5 minute read
The power of forgiveness
BY SELINA CHAPMAN, PSYCHOLOGIST
Why should we forgive? There are many idioms, mantras, moral and ethical obligations society teaches us about forgiving others. However, how do we actually do it? What do we do if we need to forgive ourselves, or move on from complicated events from our past?
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” –Catherine Ponder
There is no quick fix, however there are ways to navigate the painful and complex burden of resentment we can carry around. Talking to your friends and family can help, as can seeking professional support. It is also important to consider what is meant by forgiveness? In a psychological sense, forgiveness is not about forgiving and forgetting.
According to Enright and Fitzgibbons who have pioneered Forgiveness Therapy, there are four stages of forgiveness.
FIRST STAGE: UNCOVERING
This is about acknowledging what we are carrying around every day and how it is affecting us and impairing our quality of life. It can be confronting to address our role in what has happened, be it directly or indirectly.
SECOND STAGE: DECISIONWhat is forgiveness really?
Forgiveness is about recognising our rationality around an event where we feel we have been unfairly treated or wronged in some way. This can affect our bodies where we can carry our stressors. Our guts may clench and cause nausea. Our muscles can tense, and our breathing pattern may change. Our mind tries to rationalise and understand what happened and may ask, “Why me”?
As important as it is to know what forgiveness is, it is integral to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or dismissing what happened, letting time pass by without working on it, or thinking it can be resolved quickly. It is not about revenge, justifying actions (ours or theirs) or ignoring our emotions and the significant impact it has on our lives.
THIRD STAGE: WORK
Forgiveness is going to be hard work, and very rewarding when we can reach that point in our lives. It starts by understanding what happened, then making meaningful change. This will usually require additional support, self–compassion, and practice.
FOURTH STAGE: DEEPENINGWhat can forgiveness do for me?
If we harbour the idea of revenge and resentment, we carry around a lot of negative emotions. This emotional baggage gets stored and compartmentalised, getting heavier every day. Forgiveness is about unpacking and being able to let go of that burden. Releasing it altogether and not passing it on. Forgiveness is about us, and our own mental good health and wellbeing. How much lighter could we feel without burdens weighing us down?
One activity we can try to help with letting go of some of our emotional baggage is to visualise actual luggage.
Imagine you are driving a bus. This is your bus. It can be new or old, large, or small. Does it have a bend in the middle or maybe top floor? What colour is it? Imagine you are sitting in the driver’s seat. You can feel the soft cushion underneath you, feel the oversized steering wheel in your hands. You can see out the expansive front windscreen at the road ahead, and without turning your head you can see the passengers on your bus in the rear-view mirror.
Continue looking in the rear–view mirror, who can you see? You might see current family and friends, and some old ones too. Each of them will have a bag with them, maybe a suitcase, perhaps a duffle bag. You might even see some bags without an owner, or people on your bus that you don’t want there anymore.
The bus is a metaphor for your current world. Your bus is yours and you have the power to make the rules. If you want people off your bus, then they must leave.
We drive up to and stop at a bus-stop. What does it look like? Are there signs or a shelter? What might the weather be like? You stop at the bus-stop and using the lever, you open the doors. You watch the people who you have chosen to leave, walk off the bus and stand at the busstop. They have their bags. There are also the unattended bags next to them on the side of the road. We close the door and drive away. As we leave them behind, they become smaller and smaller until you focus on the road ahead and they are too far away to be seen. You can do this as often as you need.
“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
Selina Chapman, a psychologist at The Heart and Mind Collective in Wyoming, works with individuals of all ages seeking empowerment and support. Selina says, “Seeking support for mental health is about maintaining emotional and mental wellbeing as well as having extra help as and when we need it”.
