4 minute read
Learning to surrender inmotherhood
BY ALITA BLANCHARD, PARENT COACH
We have been conditioned to believe that we are in control of our lives and we often carry this belief into motherhood. We want the perfect birth, the right clothes, the baby that sleeps and well behaved children. And what if none of that happens? What if it feels like you are completely out of control, nothing is working out the way you expected in motherhood and you are wracked with guilt and shame.
The challenges of parenting are many:
The child that won’t sleep unless you lie next to them
The little kids that want to get up from the dinner table and play
The never ending to–do list
The ill mannered children with challenging behaviour.
We all wish parenting was easier. The children were better behaved, happy and grateful. That we had more support.
While many of the challenges of parenthood can be supported with coaching, connection, healthy boundaries and co–regulation, often one of the most powerful “tools” is learning to practice surrender.
Learning to surrender and practice radical acceptance of what is, can help to soften your high expectations and accept the version of motherhood you are experiencing.
When we conjure images of surrender, we imagine waving the white flag and admitting defeat. In our role as a mother, surrender means to let go of our preconceived ideals, to shift our perspective and yield to all that is. When stepping into surrender as a mother, we are not admitting defeat but rather letting go of our need to be in control.
We all want to be good mothers
We have been conditioned to believe we need to be “good girls” to be accepted and loved. And this plays out in motherhood as a belief that we need to be “good mothers” – perfect mothers even – and raise “good” children. We can become rigid in our parenting approach. We hold tightly to advice from books, parenting experts or well meaning friends, forcing our children into a life that suits us – but at what cost. We try so hard to “get it right” that we no longer recognise who it is we are when we become a mother. This can often lead us into a cycle of anger, rage, rigidity, guilt and shame.
Why surrender feels impossible
For those raised in an environment that centred around fear, punishment and abuse it can feel impossible to surrender. We might believe that letting go of rigidly raising our children is the most terrifying thing to do because we know no other way. Our own stories and those of society tell us that if we loosen the reigns at all, our children will grow up delinquent and disobedient. We fear our lives will spiral further out of control, so we hold on. Yet, if we ask ourselves if this way of controlling our children and ourselves is getting us to where we want to be, we might hear a different answer.
If we are trying to control ourselves, our emotions and our children, is this guiding them to who we want them to be? Our children learn best through healthy modelling by us, rather than us trying to control them.
Yes children and their challenging behaviours will trigger anger, pain and fear in us – and these triggers can bring up a desperate need for us to control them, force them to be different. Perhaps even have us yelling or using fear, threats and punishment in a desperate desire to bring back control. However these actions only serve to break our connection to our children and further intensify our own guilt and shame.
What might surrender look like?
I once had a 4 year old boy who wanted his mama to lay with him at night. He would cry, get out of bed, yell out for me.
The stories in my head sounded like: “I never get to rest!” “I never get a break!” “Why is it so hard for me with my kids?” I would fight and resist and try to control him. I chose fear, punishment and rejection. But none of these felt good in my body or aligned with my value on connection. One night, I found the space to surrender. I reminded myself of the joy and blessing that my child wanted me close. That this wasn’t forever. I took the opportunity to lie with my little boy and focus on the experience. To practice mindfulness – to soften. To allow myself rest. To use this time for connection and presence, both with him and myself.
How to practice surrender
This looks different for every person and it’s no easy feat. To find surrender you need to peel back the layers of conditioning, beliefs and stories that keep you stuck in control and busyness. You will need a practice that helps you come back to what’s most important in this season of your life.
Some practices to get your started:
Learn about your core values and align your life to those
Soften your expectations – on yourself and your child
Simplify life – less is more
Allow yourself to rest and slow down
Accept a little mess and chaos
Listen to meditations on surrender (I recommend Sarah Blondin’s ‘ Learning to Surrender’ on Insight Timer app)
Journal on “How could I practice surrender today?” www.theawaremama.com.au
5 years on, when I look back on these slow evenings lying with any of my 3 sons, they are some of my most precious memories of motherhood. Even after tough days, through challenging seasons, I let myself just be present. I will never regret these moments.
Allow yourself to feel emotions as they arise – crying is healing, anger needs healthy (safe) release.
How could you practice surrender this week? What do you fear will happen if you let go of control?
Alita Blanchard – The Aware Mama is a mother of 4 young boys (including a stillborn son Remy) on the NSW Central Coast of Australia. She is a Conscious Parent Coach trained by Jai Institute of Parenting, Women’s Circle and Rites of Passage facilitator. She provides mothers circles, workshops, listening time and parenting support programs. Alita is passionate about creating a safe space for mothers to feel heard and seen in the intensity of their motherhood journey. She supports and guides mothers in their transformation through motherhood and helps to bring awareness to their own needs and emotions so they can feel more aligned, aware and connected to themselves and their children.
Socials: @alitablanchard_parentcoach
Email alitablanchard@gmail.com
