JUDGING MOVIES BY THE TITLE

Ignorant film reviews based solely on my ridiculously fast and loose first impressions

BY NICHOLAS MICHELSEN Entertainment Editor

They say don’t judge a book by its cover, but who has time to read every single book?

In fact, I haven’t read more than a single paragraph in any book since 1997 when I threw ‘Cat In The Hat’ by Dr. Suess against the wall and said “Make it a movie or I ain’t buyin’ it!”

My words have since come back to haunt me with the fall of Blockbuster and the rise of corporate streaming services.

Gone are the days of uniform boxes in white, with blue trim and large bold fonts over a yellow logo.

I only have time to watch hours of 30 second clips at a time these days! So I say, judge every movie by its poster.

If you disagree with any of these reviews, please understand that all of my findings are backed by the latest science performed nightly in my bedroom, alone with a bottle of Sailor Jerry.

You cannot argue with the facts.

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EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE

I rented this while drunk in a Motel 6. It was not the kind of movie I wanted, but it turned out to be the movie I needed. I found the other thing I was looking for afterwards.

CREED III

To be honest, there are so many Assassin’s Creed video games at this point I lost track. I doubt the movies will get me interested at this point.

PLANE

I mean, what do you want me to say? It’s another Gerald Butler action film. I could make a pun about how plain this idea is, but the title does that for me. Have not seen this. I am willing to bet it’s worthy of the score: 1.5/5

COCAINE BEAR

What’s better than nature? Nature on drugs. Boom. Nature Accelerated; which sounds like a tagline for Monster Energy Organic series.

MEGAN

Karen’s daughter seeks revenge on Starbucks for the incorrect execution of her Upside Skinny Caramel Macchiato? Sounds scary. No, it wasn’t about that. It’s about a creepy doll doing creepy dances and some murder gets mixed in. Unintentionally funny!