Growing up in the United states, my parents were and still are very strict. That means staying at home, studying hard and having almost no social life whatsoever. They want me, their only daughter, to have what they never had, so I understand why they are like that. But sometimes I just want to have some fun, I deserve it, don’t I? But they don’t want to hear none of it. My mom say “you are a lady, ladies don’t do stuff like that” when I ask to go out with friends or go to party. Sometimes it feels like they expect me to be perfect. I study so hard, I don’t go out at all and my grades are always very good but I’m still a human. In my senior year, there was so much that had to be done. So many exams to study for, and so much work. The pressure was huge. I studied for hours everyday. However, that was the first time I got a B+ in math, but I got an A on all the other subjects. That didn’t matter to my parents. I remembered the day I came home after the last day of school. I came in and shut the door. My Mom shouting from another room “Rachel, is that you?” “Yes, mommy.” I answered. She comes running to the living room and asked “How was it?” “Good, I’m so happy to be done.” I handed over my grade sheet to her. She looks at it and you could see it on her expression, she wasn’t happy. 1
Mom: A B+ in math, is this a joke? Me: Mom, I did my best. Mom: Well, you could have done better since it’s not an A. Me: But I got A’s on… **Disrupted by mom** Mom: Go to your room. We’ll talk later. **walking away”* Even at times when I got A’s in all subjects they never bothered to say “good job, Rachel, we’re proud of you.” It was always just a nodge. It felt like I was working hard just for my parents, so all these hours that I spent studying and staying at home while my friends were out having a good time, felt like a waste of time because they were never happy. 2
The one time they let me go out, it didn’t end very good. I just went to get dinner with some friends of mine. On the way back my friend drove me home, but we got into an accident. We were both totally fine, and her parents came for us. When I got home, I told my parents what happened and they were irate. They started yelling me like it was my fault. “We told you not to go out”, “why didn’t you call us?” and “what did you do?” I could easily just stayed quiet and not tell them about the accident, but I needed to talk them and to be honest, I just wanted a hug from them. But over and over again they make me feel like I should not talk to them about anything. Not to mention intimate stuff like boy stuff, and girl stuff (if you know what I mean). I don’t come to them for advice or ask them for opinion, I usually just ask my best friend. Especially about sex related stuff, you would never hear Chinese parents have the sex talk with their children. That just doesn’t happen. It is summer break and it is a Friday night, my parents are going out of town for a business trip. My best friend, Lily, texts me:
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So we went out that night, without my parents knowing. We went to a party in a house I never seen know. All of this was so new to me. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. It was so awkward.
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I’m just standing there next to Lily while she is talking with everyone else but me, holding my hand and dragging me around like I’m her daughter. Then, Jake comes up to us. Jake: Hey ladies, glad you could me it. Lily: Jaaaake. (Lily gives him a hug, and then he gives me one) Lily: You always have the best parties. Jake: (sarcastically) Why thank you. **we all laugh** Jake shouts: Yo Mo! Come over here. This tall, muscular, really good looking guy joggs over and puts a hand over Jake. Mo: What’s up? He looks nervous, scratching his head. **Lily gives me a little push without them seeing it. Jake: Shhh… Mo, this is Lily and RACHEL. He emphasizes my name for some reason. Jake: Lily, Rachel… This is my friend, Mo. Jake gives Lily a weird look. Mo: Oh.. Yeah… I’ve heard about you, Rachel. Nice to meet you. Mo and I just look at each other for at least 30 seconds. AWKWARD. Lily: uh hmmm… Well, nice to meet you, too. 5
Jake: yeah. Ok, now that we are all here. We need to take a shot. Lily: Yes!!! (Lily looks at me, smiling.) Me: No!! I cannot drink. Lily: Oh stop it, just a drink or two. Jake, Mo, Lily, and I, all walk to the table where the punch is. It looked good. I think to myself “Why not, just one drink.” Jake makes a cup for all of us. I look at my cup and look up and I lock my eyes with Mo’s. Jake holds up his cup “To meeting new friends!” and we all take the shot. It actually doesn’t taste bad. It taste pretty good. I was ready for something nasty. And that’s how one cup turned into two, and two turned into three. Three turned into… I’m losing count. At this point, I’m pretty drunk, I can barely stand. Lily is nowhere to be found. I look to the side and there comes Mo, that makes me happy. I smile, but I’m starting to feel it. It all comes up. I don’t feel very good. 6
Mo: Rachel, are you ok? Me: Yes, I’m fine I need a moment. I just wanted to lay down.Everything is starting to spin. I almost fall but Mo catches me. “Whoa, be careful.” I give him a hug but then I push him away. I don’t know what I just did that. I’m still feeling sick. I walk into a room, and see a bed. I don’t even know who’s room is that. I go in and crash. That’s all I wanted to do, lay down. I lay down for a few minutes, and someone comes in and closes the door. Me: Who is this? I yell, I can barely see. I’m trying to look up. Someone sits next to me. Unknown: You’re ok? I turn around and kind of fall asleep, but not really. I just feel very sleepy but I can still tell what’s going on. Someone is caressing me. It’s Mo… It feels good. Then he kisses me…. What is he doing? I turn around. Me: Stop it. I look at him… Wait… 7
It’s not Mo… It’s… It’s Lense from my History class. I want him to stop. Me: Stop. He doesn’t stop. I say it louder Me: Stop! He doesn’t stop…. He gets on top of me. I try to push him away, but I don’t have the strength to do it. He’s heavy. I’m heavy. I can’t get up. Me: Stop. Please. He doesn’t stop. He kisses me more. On the mouth. On the neck. I try to push him away but he’s on top of me. He’s strong. I can’t breath. He’s off…. He’s off? My pants are off.. No.. I feel naked. I’m… naked. 8
Me: Stop!! I don’t want to. He doesn’t stop… He is… He is raping me. Lence from history class is my first… I don’t want him to be my first. It hurts… He is raping me. Why did I go out? I should’ve listen to mom. Ladies don’t do stuff like that… He is raping me. Do I look nice tonight? I should’ve wear something else. That’s all I could think of, just not to think about what is happening to me….. --- I wake up, I look around. I’m alone. I’m in this bed. Alone. I look at the time. It’s 3:21am. I’m confused. What just happened? ….. I… I was raped. 9
I look down, my pants are on the floor. I was raped. My throat is getting heavy. It hurts down there. I put on my pants, and get out of the room. I look around everyone is still partying. Like nothing happened. I look around and I see Lily. Lily: Rachel, where have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you. Me: I have to go home. Lily: What happened? Me: I just want to go home. I ordered an uber home. On the way home, I just kept on replying what happened. All I could think was “it’s your fault.” “If only you’d listen to mom” I got home. I feel so dirty. I feel so disgusting. I feel like my body isn’t mine anymore. 10
I went to the shower, started washing myself. I just wanted to scrub my skin off. I look down and I see blood streaming down my leg. That’s when it hit me. All the emotions. I couldn’t breath. I just start crying. Can I change my skin? Can I have new skin? I feel broken. I got out of the shower, went to my room and sat down in my bed. Clean but dirty. I started thinking, “what now?” “I need to tell someone” “I don’t need to tell anyone.” “What if no one believes me?” “I need to tell my parents.” “They will be mad at me for going out. They will say it’s my fault.” “Mom would be mad.” “You’re a lady, ladies don’t do stuff like that.” That’s what she would probably say. I can’t tell my parents. They will be so angry. I just fell asleep like that, trying to figure out what to do. 11
---- I wake up to someone knocking on my door. It’s 11:30am. My mom opens the door a little and picks Mom: Honey, are you awake? Me: Yes mom, come in. Mom: Hey. You never sleep so late. She gives me a hug, and I slightly push her away. Mom: Are you ok? Me: Yes.. mom. She looks at me strangely. Mom: ok…. What did you do yesterday? Me: What? What do you mean? Nothing. I was here. What else can I do? 12
Mom: Well, what did you do the whole time we were gone? Just sleep? Me: Homework… Homework. Mom: You acting so weird, are you sure you’re ok? Should I tell her?... I don’t know if I should tell her. Me: Yes, mom. I’m totally fine. I couldn’t. I don’t know what she would think of me. Mom: Ok, well, I’ll make us some food. I’ll call you when it’s ready. Me: ok. I need to tell someone. Lily. I can tell Lily. I’ll text her. Me: Hey, are you busy today? 13
Lily: No. Are you ok? You left so suddenly last night. Me: I need to see you. Lily: Ok… Sure. Me: Let’s meet at starbucks in 20 minutes. Lily: Now? Me: Yes, see you in a bit. Lily: Alright, boss. I got out of my room and stormed out. Me: Mom, I’m going out with Lily, talk to you later. Mom: But I’m making… *door slams* Mom: food… 14
It’s around noon, we both arrive at starbucks. I looked like a train track and she looked beautiful… Like always! I don’t even wanna talk at Starbucks, I ask her to sit in my car. She looks at me and goes “So… are you gonna tell me what happened yesterday?” I couldn’t hold and I just broke down. I start crying, right in front of her. She looks at me so confused. Lily: Rache, what’s wrong? I can’t look up. Lily: Look at me, what happened? Me: He raped me. Lily: Raped you? Who? I couldn’t say it, I just kept on crying. Lily hugged me and didn’t say anything. She just let me cry until I started talking. I told her everything. She was shocked. She threatened to do everything from killing him, to going to the police, to telling my parents. But to this day I haven’t told my parents, or anyone else except Lily. 15