deconstructivizine AN ANTHOLO GY
Deconstructivizine: An Anthology By Various Writers Cover photo by Florian Klauer Independently printed by Don Vittorio C. Villasin
Any similarities to existing persons (living or dead), places, icons, or institutions are purely coincidental, were used inthe pursuit of creative excellence.
First printed November 2018
deconstructivizine AN ANTHOLO GY BY VARIOUS WRITERS
CONTENTS
Aesthetics by Toni Panagu, p. 7 Caffeine Supernova by Don Vittorio C. Villasin, p. 8 Kadasal-dasalang Sakdalan ni Anir Nomis, p. 10 Nang Tumula Ang Sira-ulo ni Anir Nomis, p. 12 Pula ni Yngwie Eusebio, p. 14 Quick Steps in Making Your Dreams Come True by Denise Valentino, p. 15 Rosas sa Tag-ulan nina Anir Nomis & Toni Panagu, p. 20 The Presentist by Denise Valentino, p. 22
aesthetics by Toni Panagu
What I think: The term “Aesthetics” today acts as a capitalist mechanism. Anchoring or incorporating certain brands to the term “Aesthetic” or “Aesthete” such as Supreme, Kanken, H&M, Forever 21 etc., the material—and some applications or softwares such as VSCO, RNI, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr,Instagram etc., also known as the social network/social media, the immaterial, intellectual, virtual consumerism. The true definition of “Aesthetics”—[a] Set of principles concerned with the nature and appreciation of beauty, especially in art. [b] The branch of philosophy that deals with the principles of beauty and artistic taste—is being forgotten and diluted to a set of brands, softwares, and poses in pictures which teenagers could gain validation from their fellow “aesthete”. Reasons: [a] The icons of popc culture of these generation often consume these brands; [b] To quote Maggie Nelson from her book Bluets, “It had to be made holy, by the wicked logic that renders the expensive sacred. So first it had to be made expensive.” We are living in a world where we are taught that things such as beauty, love, and happiness, should be full of grandeur and expense. What happened: My love is two jeepney-ride away from me whenever we meet-up. The standard jeepney fare is eight pesos, multiplied by two, sixteen, multiplied by two again, thirty-two pesos, so that I could get back home. Her hugs and kisses—free of charge. The stories, the struggles we share, and the conversations in which our thoughts harmoniously collaborate—priceless. It happened that it would only cost thirty-two pesos for me to be happy. Having a beauty loving me, for free, and unconditionally. deconstructivizine | 7
caffeine supernova by Don Vittorio C. Villasin
A Soliloquy “A la recherché du temps perdu.” —Marcel Proust It seemed easy: A la chacun selon ses facultes, A chacun selon ses besoins— But I feel I lack necessary control: over time. Moments slip pass my fingertips, these frail tentacles climbing the mountain of holding on, while clutching on frozen unfamiliar nipples, fingering chords that yell out broken melodies; over space. This self never occupied any square mile, a misguided ghost passing through, only looking, searching on the scattered clothes and underwear at 3 AM looking past the bed, looking past the person who meant all the world 2 hours ago; if only semen possess enough meaning to signify the weight of this being, Being whose density is only measured through the length of this penis, always wishing for more, but remain more of the same, fading; over you. The creaking door is followed by your steps, your heels ringed around your fingertips, how could hands that we used for reaching out is also the tool for letting go? how is it that the very same tools for letting go cannot hold on to anything other than our these physical desires? 8 | deconstructivizine
Caffeine Supernova by Don Vittorio C. Villasin
Why can’t I l hold your hand and make it mine until my fingernails rot in your veins? Why can’t these questions become daggers that pierces the shell of our souls when they are left unanswered in every stanza? and over me. While eternally passing, I arrive at nothing, When doing nothing theorizes an existence, The proverbial wasteland and its heap of broken images— forlorn eyes always looking but never realizing, reading despite the absence of comprehension feeling despite apathy parched despite the flood. I know: for a long time, for what seemed like an eternity of eternities, I went to bed early. Denouement I spent my days yearning for control, only to find out that my frail arms could never hold on to anything. I licked the leash, to no effect. Desire is an invisible hand. Letters should follow the first in order to make sense, to provide thought. To give the city its blinking lights, its pollution(s). To let the river dictate its flow, render its transformation: erosion on the side, its taste and flavor, merging with the sea in its mouth. I remember you in these reflections, how we fought for justice, change. How we marched on the streets with our middle fingers raised when they buried the dictator and we were shouting it was a waste of earth, of land. Land that could be given to farmers yet these revisionists spat on their faces. I remember our Powerpoint Presentations, our reports and lectures, our sticks of cigarettes, and bongs, and snuff and stuff. I remember Joe Brainard and his many rememberings. I remember reading and not making sense of anything. I remember your poems. I remember the city. I spent my days yearning for control, and even I couldn’t let your life stay. My life, even. My flashdrive finally earned a computer virus after so many entrances and exits in infected hardwares, transmitted due to revisions of papers envisioned as monumental, discussing how my fingers try to grasp on things that are always fading, always out of my control. How by touching, all atoms and its charges only let go, how in one instant my poem can transform into my last breath. deconstructivizine | 9
kadasal-dasalang sakdalan ni Anir Nomis
Kung bibilugin ko ang nagbibilug-bilugan ninyong ulo, malamang, hindi ninyo aakalaing walang sulok ang libog ng nagmama-angas na G habang sinasamsam ang inyong mga libo. Ako ang relihiyosong nangungulangot tuwang-tuwa sa pagbilog ng kinalkal na kulangot sa kasulok-sulukang siwang ng inyong ilong at walang sawang sinasamyo ang baho ng nagkakandirit na halimuyak ng nabubulok na kandila sa paanan ng mundong minsa’y iniisip nating hindi bilog. Kadalasang takot kayo makakita ng isang tao na kumakain ng itlog habang lumalangoy sa ragasa ng ilog kasabay ang mga nauuhaw na D, (hirap tayong intindihin ang mga letrang nag-oorgasmo) sapagkat kayo lang ang may nasa at pulitikang libog. Nauulol ko tuloy iniiwasang tumingin sa salamin upang takasan ang repleksyon na hanggang ngayon ay pilit kinukulong sa aparador ng pangamba. Huwad na katauhan lamang ako ng mundo. 10 | deconstructivizine
Kadasal-dasalng Sakdalan ni Anir Nomis
Inuulit kong paulit-ulit kong binibilog ang mga tao na isa akong mesiyas, ng mga Juan sa ilalim ng punong bayabas. Nais kong makita ang mundo sa paraang nakikita ko ay ako. Kung bibilugin ko ang nagbibilug-bilugan ninyong ulo, malamang, hindi ninyo aakalaing walang sulok ang libog ng nagmama-angas na G habang sinasamsam ang inyong mga libo. Ako ang literal na pader ng kamangmangan. Ako ang padre ng kamusmusan. At ito ang aking salmo. Nilikha tayo upang hindi maging tao. Nilikha tayo upang hindi maging tayo.
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nang tumula ang sira-ulo ni Anir Nomis
Para sa mga anak ng Google nawa’y matutuhan mong hindi lahat ng tanong ay nasasagot. Para sa mga anak ng Facebook sana’y maulirat mo palaging purismo ang totoo, ang tunay mong pagkatao. Para sa mga anak ng Twitter maniwala ka sa’kin hindi ka nag-iisa may handang makinig sa’yo. Para sa mga anak ng YouTube huwag mong ikulong ang sarili bakit ‘di mo subukang apuhapin ang sining ng teatro.
12 | deconstructivizine
Kadasal-dasalng Sakdalan ni Anir Nomis
Para sa mga anak ng Instagram may mga pagkakataong dapat kang tumingin sa salamin dahil ang iyong ngiti ay pino. Para sa mga anak ng imahinasyon nawa’y mapagtanto mong ang mundo’y puno ng ilusyong likha lamang ng tao. Hinahanap na kayo sa inyo. Mahal kayo ng mama ninyo. Miss ka na ng lamesa at ng iyong puwesto. Sayang ‘yong bagong saing at adobo. Kain muna tayo.
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pula
ni Yngwie Eusebio
Pula ang ulan na humalik sa lupa laspag ang katawan sa pag-ani ng tingga Diretso sa merkado kung saan ang bentahan hininga
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quick steps in making your dreams come true by Denise Valentino
Step 1 Get a call from home that you have to leave college for a while because your beloved grandma died and all of your loving cousins and all the king’s men couldn’t put her back together again. Inform your professors, pack your stuff, and say good bye to your dorm room. Step 2 Arrive home. Attend the funeral and watch as countless guests pay their respect to your grandma. Listen to your grandma’s old friends as they recall how beautiful and talented she was as a college student in the 2013s. Tolerate publishers who wouldn’t stop talking how your grandma was one of the most amazing fictionists the Philippines has ever seen. Try to hold back your tears as relatives tell you that she was the kindest woman they have ever met. Stand by your crying parents as your grandma’s casket was lowered to the ground, and be thankful that her death was due to natural causes, not due to sickness, accident, nor crime that your perfect, ever-loving, everbeautiful grandma didn’t deserve. Step 3 Get the shock of your life as your dad and his sister gathered you and your cousins to reveal that at your grandma’s death, they inherited your grandparents’ house with a dead body in the basement. deconstructivizine | 15
Quick Steps in Making Your Dreams Come True by Denise Valentino
They said they were visiting their now empty childhood home after your grandma’s funeral, and the first thing they was check the basement. They said they were planning to look for old, forgotten valuables that they can sell online. Instead, they found a room complete with a bed, a little library corner, a bathroom, and a laundry room. They found the old woman’s body on the twin-sized bed, lying on her side. If it weren’t for the smell of death they would’ve thought she was just sleeping. Step 4 Be informed about your parents, aunt, and uncle’s decision to report the dead body in the basement to the authorities. The authorities kept you informed because your dad was very good in making it look like your family were very concerned about the old woman—your dad and aunt swore that they have never been in the basement before as their parents forbid them from entering that room ever since they could remember. They assured the police that the rest of you have nothing to do with whatever your grandparents were doing with the old woman when they were still alive. Because whatever they had been doing screams the opposite of everything you and your cousins were raised to believe about our grandparents. The autopsy showed old-time scars, burn marks, some kind of ulcer, and—Jesus Christ—a back full of lash marks. Step 5 After the family meeting, go to your room and sulk like young adult that you are. Lie down on your bed. Stare at the ceiling and ask the empty space with questions no one can ever answer since your grandad died years ago. All your lives you have been a closely knitted family; your dad and aunt 16 | deconstructivizine
Quick Steps in Making Your Dreams Come True by Denise Valentino
grew up in a family setup no different than those Filipino commercials with cheesy family scenes. They were best friends, and you and your cousins were raised to worship your grandparents like they were the most perfect couple in the world. Perfectly clever that they were able to hide a woman for years underneath the same floorboards your dad and aunt used to run around on as they play tag and what not. Step 6 Imagine a younger version of your grandparents flashing their perfect smiles whenever one of their perfect friends paid a visit, showing off their perfect little boy and little girl, offering their guests with your perfect grandma’s perfectly baked cookies and cupcakes. And when all these things are done, your perfect grandparents would go down to the basement. In the dead of night, they would torture the young woman in there. They would do this for years, until the perfect young couple became the perfect grandparents and the young-woman-in-the-basement became the old-woman-in-the-basement. Step 7 With your family, accept that the case of the old woman in the basement will never be solved. Be more confused with the fact that the police found out that the basement was filled with your grandma and the old woman’s prints but none of your grandpa’s. Optional: If you want, you and your cousins could gather around somewhere to share insights and theories why your grandma was keeping a girl in the basement. Step 8 Go back to college and meet someone new at the library while reading Le Guin’s The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.
Become friends and dorm roommates with this person.
By getting to know this new person more, finally realize why your grandma did what she did. Realize that his life was the exact parallel of yours—you were so different that you were exactly the same, you were so similar that you were exactly opposites. You know, like facing a mirror. You deconstructivizine | 17
Quick Steps in Making Your Dreams Come True by Denise Valentino
raise your right hand and your reflection raises its left one. He’d always wanted to be a scientist but was forced to take an art-inclined course. You’d always wanted to be an artist but took a science-inclined one because you know it would make your dad happy, but you weren’t forced. You came from a well-off family with a grandmother who used to be a model, painter, and writer in her teens who then married a successful software developer and died as a locally well-known fictionist. He grew up financially struggling all his life, from a family of nobodies who had to apply for scholarships just to have a chance at entering good schools. Whenever something bad happens to you, something good happens to him. Whenever you got some good news from home, he gets some bad news from his grandparents. Step 9 Once you gain his trust, do everything to trick him into coming to live with you after graduation. Be sure that you have prepared a place to hide him and torture him either physically or mentally. Make his life as miserable as possible, for everything he will lack you shall have, and for every suffering he has endure you will receive blessings.
His failure to achieve anything in life is your success.
Step 10 Years later, remember the day that you were able to trick him into coming home with you. If it weren’t for the darkness, misery, and filth he endured under your basement, you wouldn’t have met your beautiful wife and have your beautiful son.
A son you named after him.
Maybe it was your way of showing how grateful you are for everything he unwillingly sacrificed. 18 | deconstructivizine
Quick Steps in Making Your Dreams Come True by Denise Valentino
You know that he hates you now. He didn’t say he does, but you knew. He never said a thing every time you visit him in that dark room. Not to hurt him, but just to tell him stories about the outside world he is missing. You could never bring yourself to physically injure him—although the shackles you put on him did sore his wrists and ankles gravely. So you just keep him fed but tied in darkness and loneliness. Optional: Whenever you think highly of yourself, of how you were so clever to trick the universe so you could live in perpetual Utopia, remember that you were not as clever as your grandma who, unlike you, never have to deceive someone to become her prisoner, for her the girl in her basement had always been a willing sacrifice. Remember that your grandma’s prisoner was the one who kept the basement locked by locking it from the inside, base on the placement of the doorknob, perhaps unlocking it at a certain time in the night so your grandma could come in. But that is a mystery the universe does not want you to solve.
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rosas sa tag-ulan nina Anir Nomis & Toni Panagu
Hunyo 7, 2017 * nabuo sa entablado ng Twitter pira-pirasong bubog ng gunita ang hawak-hawak ng kamay hanggang sa mangalay tuluyang mawalan ng malay pagkat sa panaginip imposible ang pagkawalay ngunit, mabilis na titigil— mapuputol ang liliw at talutot ng giliw— pag-uugatan ng pagmaliw at di mahating pighati. Sa inaakalang tahanan ay tuluyang napusali...
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Rosas sa Tag-ulan nina Anir Nomis & Toni Panagu
Aking giliw ng panahon, apulahin ang apoy ng mga pusong pinanggagatong hilumin ang mga lapnos kinisin ang mga galos na dinulot ng pagiging padalos-dalos. Kailan ito matatapos, kung matagal ng patid ang pulang gapos ng mga napapagal na rosas sa hardin ng kapusukan. Itinanim ang mga binhi ng silakbong masidhi ngunit alin o ano ang bungang maaani? Aling ulan ang kailangan upang uhaw ay mapawi?
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the presentist
by Denise Valentino Book used: Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson
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about the deconstruction workers
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deconstructivizine construct. deconstruct. reconstruct. Synopsis