Ewes World of the
Issue 2
June/July ‘13
It’s just a load of bollocks really
for the people of Wales and everywhere else
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3 1 0 2 r u o T s n io
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? h p m u i r T l l i ho W
15 WELSH IN LIONS SQUAD 15 Welsh players have been selected to represent the British and Irish Lions on the 2013 tour to Australia
inside
3 5 6 10 16 16 20 22 news
letters
interview
food
quiz
gussets
interview
lads’ page
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Welcome Croeso Well hello again. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a busy two months down on the farm. Farmer Honey’s been rewiring the farmhouse and the barn, so we’ve been left without electricity for long periods. This has been especially frustrating when The Apprentice is on. But anyway, here’s another issue of Ewes of the World for you to get your beady eyes all over. We’ve been very fortunate to speak to former British and Irish Lions coach John Dawes. John’s side are still the only British and Irish Lions team to ever win a series in New Zealand. He talks about his career on page 6. We’ve also interviewed another well-known Welshie, this time it’s award-winning writer Rachel Trezise. Read about her work on page 20. There are plenty of other features to keep you busy - why not try the ‘How Environmentally Conscious Are You?’ Quiz on page 16? You can learn how to phone the bank to raise your overdraft limit on another page that I can’t remember the number of and we’ve even got some made-up horoscopes for you. What more could you want? Enjoy the read and enjoy the summer! Hope to see you in Issue 3!
Derek the Weathersheep
CONTACT e: derek@weathersheep.com w: www.weathersheep.com While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the contents, the publisher cannot accept any responsibility for errors or omissions, or for any matter in any way arising from the publication of this material. Photographs credited where possible. Copyright Derek the Weathersheep 2013. Ewes of the World is an independent publication.
Advertising booking and copy deadline for Issue 0322nd July 2013. Issue 03 publication date - August 1st 2013. Ewes of the World is published bi-monthly. Contributors: Derek the Weathersheep, Richard Yates, Andrew Lye
LIVING MAGAZINES CELEBRATE We are celebrating our 5th birthday this month. Our first issue was published in November 2007!
BECKHAM ‘SET TO BECOME ZUMBA TEACHER’
news news
Posh man trashes Aldi with Porsche
The neat and tidy shelves before the ramraid
POSH MAN RAMRAIDS ALDI TO GET THE LAST LOAF OF NIMBLE David Beckham is set to spend his retirement in South Wales being a Zumba instructor, according to local celebrity insider, Robin Rumbleguts. Rumbleguts, 24, told Ewes of the World: “Me and David go back a long, long way. We used to play together at Barry Town FC in the glory days. “But I had David on the phone to me last night, ‘umming’ and ‘ahhing’ about whether to retire or not. So I convinced him that he should head back down to South Wales and run some Zumba classes with me.” “David would love my Zumba classes. We’ve got a new class on a Wednesday night – it’s got a ‘Fame’ theme to it. I come dressed as Leroy, who was my favourite in the show.” said Rumbleguts. David Beckham was unavailable to comment.
A Porsche driver in Cardigan rammed his £46,000 car into an Aldi store, mistakenly thinking that they were about to sell their last loaf of Nimble bread. Posh lad Dewi Morris told Ewes of the World: “I’d seen on the telly that there was bad weather and that on the way, so I jumped in to my posh car and drove it very fastly to Aldi, where they knew that they had Nimble bread. As I passed the store, I looked into the window and saw an old woman reaching
up for the last loaf on the shelf so I put my posh foot down on my posh pedal and drove into the store.” Sadly for Dewi, shop assistant Gina Guntworth was about to replenish the shelf with more Nimble bread: “I was just coming around the corner with a pallet-load.”
news
TARQUIN BACK TO FARM DUTIES Honey Farm posh-boy Tarquin has returned to sheep duties following the recent scandal with triangular flapjacks
Cardiff City Unveil New Kit
Premiership new boys Cardiff City have today unveiled their new pink kit for the 2013/14 season. The kit, described by management as a ‘compromise’, is designed to appease staunch City fans who want to revert to the club’s traditional blue colours instead of the new red colour. Some City fans have reacted furiously to the new compromise but management have been quick to defend it: “We all know that owner Tan wanted Cardiff City players to wear red because that colour brings lots of luck and fortune. But we also wanted to keep our long-term fans happy who want the club to stick to its blue colours. So we’ve blended the colours together and what we’ve come up with is this erm..shit-coloured dab of a pink. There’s a rugby team in France who play in pink so it can’t be all that bad.” But supporters have hit back, demanding that
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management revert back to the club’s traditional blue colours: “We’ve been the laughing stock of British football for the last year or so. We’re called the Bluebirds and we’re playing in red. It just doesn’t make sense. Children growing up are going to ask us why we’re called Bluebirds, yet we play in red. What am I supposed to tell them? I’m going to look like a right twat. And now they drop this bombshell on us. I’ve had enough. I’m going to boycott the games from now on. Although I’ll listen to the games on a radio in my shed but don’t tell anyone I just said that.” said one supporter. Cardiff’s foray into the Premiership kicks off in late August.
Fireman Sam Set To Become Club Singer Famous Welsh firefighter, Fireman Sam is set to become a club singer after his latest TV series drew to a close last week. Fireman Sam, who has been putting out fires and occasionally saying things in Welsh since 1985, is the latest celebrity to face hard times. Pontypandy-based Sam told Ewes of the World: “I’ve had a ball these last twenty years or so but all good things come to an end as they say. It’s now time for me to move onto pastures new and try my hand at something else.” Sam has revealed that he wanted to set up a rock band with fellow firefighters Elvis Cridlington and Penny Morris, but they weren’t too keen. “I’ve always wanted to be a singer so I’ve joined a talent agency who are going to get me some bookings in some workingmen clubs around the valleys. I think people will enjoy my voice and who knows where it might lead? I could end up on X-Factor or I could even branch off to do some kiss-o-gram type work. I’ve got the body and the uniform for it and I could probably combine that with my singing.”
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If you’d like to get in touch, you can email at derek@ weathersheep.com
letters
WHAT IS THE POINT OF A DOG?
BRONKING BONKING
Can anyone explain to me what the point of dogs are? All they do all day is shit, sniff things (usually shit), eat stuff (that looks like shit) and make a lot of (shit) noise. They say that dogs are man’s best friend but that can’t be true because my best friend is a man and he’s called Simon. Isn’t it time that we got rid of these stinking dogs and get some proper animals into this world like koalas or pandas? Terry Clutterbuck, email
Who says television doesn’t influence young children? My 8 year old son got bitten by a spider last week and now runs around Cardiff in a red and blue skin-tight suit saving people from burning buildings (which is quite common in Cardiff). Who says television turns children in monsters? My son is a hero and should be knighted! Carly Rogers Cardiff
I had only been riding pillion when me and my fella popped down to Kwik Save to get some Alphabites. Now some PERVERT has ruined my life as this picture has been seen around the world. Anon London
FAT ARSE SHAME
CRAP MAGAZINE
I was in work the other day when I had an email that was doing the rounds sent to my box. Imagine my horror when I opened it and saw MY FAT ARSE on my monitor!
I want you to know that your magazine is a load of crap and I wouldn’t read it, even if I had to. Sheila Bolton
BARRY SCOTT LUST
was just someone in the background. I believe they are called extras. There is also no suggestion that the actor in question has ever used Cillit Bang in his every day non Barry Scott life. Charles I’m Carmarthen always
I’M IN THE MONEY
I’ve recently responded to a very tempting offer from a banker in Nigeria. They’ve offered me $30 million. All I have to do is email him my bank details and I’m hoping to have the money by Monday. Would some of your readers like to help me decide how to spend it? Tony Pleb Maesteg
I’ve been informed by a friend of mine that Barry Scott’s real name isn’t Barry Scott. He’s an actor who pretends that he’s a man called Barry Scott. This actor has appeared on British TV in other guises such as someone on The Bill. In this show, he was not called Barry Scott at all. In fact, he didn’t have a name because he
on this page
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He’s the only British and Irish Lions captain to lead the team to a series win in New Zealand. As today’s Lions head to Australia, John Dawes talks to Ewes of the World about his career, winning and THAT try.
J
ohn Dawes, former Wales and Lions player and coach, is taking centre stage as usual. And he’s talking tactics. Except this is not a colourful, riotous scene at the Arms Park on international day. Nor is this being played out on some hostile New Zealand pitch far away from home. Instead, this team talk is taking place amid the gentle banter of the Butcher’s Arms in Llandaff on a grey winter’s day. Three rugby legends are
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sat enjoying a pint on an icy January afternoon. The talk has turned to Wales’s chances in the Six Nations this year. John eventually takes us to a quiet table so he can unfurl his prestigious career in his own words. “Soccer was always my first sport as a child. In fact, it wasn’t until I went got to Pengam Boys School that I was first introduced to rugby. I started off as a hooker and it wasn’t until I left school and started playing for Newbridge that I
actually played at centre.” Born in Chapel of Ease in Abercarn, John Dawes will always best remembered for his exquisite onfield skills as well as being a master tactician of the game. “I went to university at Loughborough and eventually moved to London where I became a chemistry teacher. London Welsh in those days was a flourishing side, with many of the greats playing for us – Mervyn, Gerald, JPR and the like. There were no official leagues as such back
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interview
You’d be foolish not to learn from another team.
then, but London Welsh was considered at the top echelon of rugby sides. The crowds that were packed to the rafters were testament to the type of exciting rugby we played. “My first cap for Wales came in 1964; we were in Dublin and there were no replacements allowed back then. DK Jones, the former Llanelli and Cardiff player dropped out and I was brought in. I was fortunate enough to score on my debut. The commentator said that I was ‘revelling in an outstanding game’ but I’m not sure which game he was watching as I only touched the ball twice throughout the whole match!” Dawes went on to captain Wales to a Grand Slam in 1971. “Winning a Grand Slam in the Five Nations was such an achievement. It was practically unheard of, but we had such a great team full of fantastic players.” 1971 was also the year that Dawes was appointed captain of the British and
Irish Lions Tour of New Zealand. The tour was a success, and to this day, is still the only Lions team to have beaten the All Blacks on a tour. Dawes’ skills as a playmaker proved a pivotal role in their success. “The tours of 1971 and the subsequent one of New Zealand for which I was coach in 1977, could not have been any more different from each other. As a player under coach Carwyn James, we enjoyed glorious sunshine. We never got wet. In 1977, we never stayed dry. The weather was awful. The two New Zealand teams were also grossly different to each other. For that reason, we had to adapt our skills and strengths. As it were, we went down 3-1 in the series in ‘77 but we did run them very close!” Dawes had retired from international rugby in 1971, but did lead the 1973 Barbarians to their famous win over the touring All Blacks. Dawes played a starring role in ‘that try’, widely regarded as the best-
ever try to have ever been scored on a rugby field. Dawes went on to become the Welsh national coach from 1974 to 1979. The team has gone down in rugby folklore for its collection of Five Nations silverware. “I went on to become the WRU coach organiser throughout the nineties. Rugby has been my entire life. It’s been good to me and I hope that I have been good to it.” John Dawes will go down in history as one of the all-time rugby greats. He will also go down as one of rugby’s true gentlemen – and a modest one too. “I had a lot of help from the great players around me. The legends that came out of that era are still remembered and spoken about fondly today. “But I also learnt a lot from the players I played against. I got to play against the best players and teams in the world. You’d be foolish not to learn from another team.”
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Boy Problems
real life
Yes, even boys sometimes have problems that they can’t seem to fix all by themselves. So in a new series, we answer the problems that you were too embarrassed to talk to your mum about.
Moob Me Up When I was a little boy I always dreamt of having a pair of wangers to play with. Now, I’m 42 and wish I’d made another wish. I have size 36D man boobs and I can’t get rid of them. What do I do? Terry Swansea Come on John – this is your fourth letter this month – we all know you’re carrying a considerably more voluptuous set of topbollocks than 36D. Now Tony’s reign has ended, and your official life of leisure has begun, I suggest you join the ranks of your similarly bitch-tit endowed peers, and do as they do – embrace your saggy tits, buy a pair of grotesque national flag beach shorts, and shamelessly board the next flight to Benidorm. Olé!
Pear Shame I have a phallus shaped like a pear, and I’m finding it very
embarrassing when I pull and girls get to grips with my fruitshaped friend. How can I sculpt it into another fruit shape – a giant banana maybe? Colin, Dundee Firstly, fruit-cock, you should be thankful that girls get to grip with it at all; many of our readers may never get that far – I went to school with many such unfortunates. As for your gland, braying it with a tool such as a domestic meat tenderiser will probably yield a penal fruit smoothie, rather than leave you the proud owner of something resembling an 8-10”slightly bent tree-fruit. Faced with your dilemma, I would go with the ‘Trinny & Suzanna’ approach – i.e. deny to yourself your obvious gross physical failings, and try to make the best of a cruel nature’s job. It’s all about marketing, my boy – go find a naïve, preferably drunk young maiden (perhaps try your local JD Wetherspoon’s freehouse between 12pm and 11pm, any night of the week), and convince her gobbling-up your fruity member counts as one of her recommended “five a day”. Bon apetit!
Banjo Pain Please help. Last night I went to make love to my woman but she was a bit dry and I pushed a bit too hard and Twang! – my banjo string snapped. It was a clear E minor and such was the shock, that I swear I saw George Formby at the window. I’m now in fear of trying again. What do I do? Reg, Teeside Reading these tales of woe as I do so regular, I have to be able to read between the lines and make some considered assumptions: In this case I must – for the good spirit of humanity –assume your pairsome have genuine biological issues, and that you’ve not in fact been trying to play ‘hide the sausage’ with a waxwork at Madame Tussauds. Hoping (and praying), that my assumptions are correct, my advice therefore is simple: Issue her indoors with a firm but fair ultimatum – lube-up or get out. You may also consider name-dropping valuable family assets during future ventures – nothing gets the ladiesmore moist than the prospect of a life spent filling walk-in wardrobes with expensive shoes. 9
o t e d i Gu s e u q e Barb The complete guide to a successful summer barbeque
the clobber First things first, don’t bother with any of those throwaway bollocks. They don’t cook your food very well and that’s good enough reason not to get one. If you’ve got cash to splash, get down Argos and get yourself some proper clobber - either a decent kettle one or if you can afford it, a gas-powered one. It’s the man’s duty to select which barbeque will suit the household. He will look for many technical specifications that women won’t understand, such as size and depth. Once home, it is the man’s duty to put the barbeque together while the woman holds the instructions and occasionally asking the man if he’s doing it right. With a bit of luck, the barbeque should resemble something like the one pictured. It is the man’s duty to 10
wheel the barbeque to the best position for cooking. He’ll take into account many factors that women won’t understand, such as wind and erm... that’s it. It is the woman’s duty to mention that he should be considering the neighbour’s washing, and it is also her duty to go into the house and close all the windows and doors that the man will not have given consideration to. Lighting the barbeque is the domain of the man. If he’s an experienced barbequer, he will arrange the coals in a small mound around the firelighters in the middle of the basin. Less experienced males will tend to empty the coals in a haphazard fashion and this could have implications later on. It is tradition that the male lights the barbeque. It establishes his virility and he may occasionally throw some petrol onto the barbeque to show that he is fearless about fire. The woman may want to keep a saucepan of cold water on standby in the kitchen, unbeknown to the male, in case of an emergency. Once the fire is lit, the coals should take a good part of an hour to settle and simmer. First-timer males often fail at this point and place the food straight onto the heat, resulting in disastrous consequences for the poor sausages. At this point in proceedings, it is permissible to open some alcoholic beverages and ‘relax’ by sitting in a nearby chair and watching the flames. Conversation can be initiated at this stage, but may be interrupted by the male as he pokes the coals.
the grub
By now, the female should have prepared the food ready for the male to put onto the heat. ‘Prepared’ in this case refers to getting it out of the fridge and placing near the barbeque for the man to attend to. Any sundry drinks should also now be served up by the female as the male will be very busy poking the hot coals. Should any salad be considered as part of the meal, this should also now be prepared by the lady. Cutlery and condiments may be prepared too but this can wait a little longer should the lady have to serve the male’s needs. When the time comes for cooking, it is the man’s duty to place the meat onto the grill. No-one else should attempt this process. It’s against custom and may also cause friction between the parties. To reiterate - the man and the man alone should place the meat onto the grill. An experienced male will now place the meat strategically on the grill. Dense meats will take centre stage and smaller, more delicate items will be placed near the edges where the heat is less fierce. The female at this point may point out that he’s doing things wrong. This is all part of the tradition but the man will know that he’s following procedures correctly. The male may at this point have his attention distracted by a mobile phone. He will appear to be not paying attention but in fact, even as the sausages catch fire, he is in total control.
It is the female’s duty to remind the male that the food is burning but he cannot do anything about it until she tells him. Should the food burn, fault will lie exclusively with the female. Should she fail to notify the male of the burning sausages, she can remedy the situation by bringing out another beer for the male. The female can now come into her own now that the food is nearly ready to be served. The male will be the only one to take the meat off the grill and placed on plates that the female will have prepared. The male may drop one of the sausages into the charcoal but this is a tradition to make the kids laugh. Should there be no kids present when the sausage is dropped, adults can mimic the children’s groans and chuckles. Once food has been eaten, it is up to the woman to take all plates into the kitchen and to soak them. Any plates brought into the house by the male, must be placed in the vicinity of the sink area, but not in the sink itself. Neither should the food be scraped off and put into the bin. The barbeque itself must be left to cool and the female can clean it with industrial strength cleaner the following day. Any guests present should compliment the chef on his culinary genius. Compliments must be gushing and include the phrase “We’ll come here again.” several times. It is common practice for the male to ask the female if she has enjoyed her night off at this juncture. Should the female be offended by this remark, it is customary for the male to sleep on the couch for the duration of one night. In all likelihood, it will be the female who wakes the male the following morning as she makes her way past the couch with industrial strength cleaning materials to clean the barbeque.
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A Pint With... Martin ‘Chariots’ Offiah MBE has been one of the most prolific try-scoring wingers ever to play rugby league. He has proved to be one of the greatest entertainers the sport has produced in its 106-year history, scoring over 500 tries in his career. Ewes of the World put the questions that matter to him.
What day is your bin day? Monday black bags, Wednesday recycle bins Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes. What did you have for tea last night? If you mean dinner I skipped it If you get into a taxi, do you get into the front or the back? The back. Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes. Did you make love last night? Yes but I was alone if you know what I mean ha ha.
Martin offiah
Are you a homo?
Follow this Ewes of the World Chart Thing to Find Out
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real life
Cleavage of the Month Gaynor Hobbs from Treorchy
Gaynor Hobbs from Treorchy likes nothing more than a cup of coffee with friends down the local church hall when she’s not out and about showing people her wonderful cleavage. “We meet every Wednesday and it’s nice to be able to catch up with friends. We like to talk about such things as makeup and shoes but sometimes, we do talk about handbags and also horses. I bought some lovely eye shadow last week and I couldn’t wait to get down to tell the girls. They’re all a bit mad to be honest. My mate Debbie, she went to Kwik Save last week; bought some toilet roll and couldn’t
find it when she got back. She’d only gone and left it in the boot of her car! Honest she’s mental sometimes.” “On Fridays, there are some line dancing classes but to be honest, that’s not really my scene, dancing round like a bunch of arseholes. “Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of Dolly Parton from time to time - I liked that film she was in once. Can’t remember the name of it now.” Gaynor likes to keep her cleavage in tip-top condition by smearing it with Trex. “I like to keep my cleavage in tip-top condition by smearing it with Trex.” she says.
Gaynor Hobbs
AROUND THE HOME Derek the Weathersheep’s Guide to Doing Stuff Around the Home
#42 Phoning Your Bank to Increase Your Overdraft 1. Pick up the phone that you would like to call your bank from. 2. Dial the bank’s telephone number. 3. When presented with options, pick option 5 to be put through to a member of staff. 4. When presented with options, pick option 3 to speak to someone about your overdraft. 5. Press the # key to return you to the list of options as you’ve pressed the wrong button. 6. When presented with options, pick option 3 to speak to someone about your overdraft. 7. Wait in the queue and listen to some music. 8. When presented with your next set of
options, press 9 for ‘all other enquiries’. 9. Speak to Azmir, who says he will put you through to the correct department. 10. Wait in the queue and listen to some music. 11. When presented with options, pick option 3 to speak to someone about your overdraft. 12. Sigh heavily and replace handset. Next month: How to turn the heating on and off.
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Derek the Weathersheep’s Guide to Rugby Positions Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an alarming 96% of referees said the same. Wales’s Derek the Weathersheep explains what they should be doing in theory
Second Row (No 4 & 5) Sometimes called locks, these guys jump up for the ball in the lineout. Typically, they are over 6’10 and you can spot them thanks to the bandages they tape around their ears. This is to prevent their ears from being ripped off when the leave the scrum too quick to accidentally knock the ball on
Hooker (no. 2) The hooker is the poor blighter who gets stuck right in the middle of a scrum. He’s also supposed to throw the ball into the lineout, but due to constant neck compression in the scrum affecting their hand/eye coordination, most hookers couldn’t hit a barn door from two feet away No.8 (no. 8) The No. 8 is there to secure the scrum and to run at people, hopefully trampling all over their opponents and leaving studmarks on lots of faces
Scrum Half (no 9) The scrum half is the link between the pack and the backs. As such, he is the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first person to touch the ball is the second row in his team. He then takes it out of the scrum where he expects it to (unlikely)
Wings (no 11& 14) These speedsters are rarely used in a game and often get bored and come infield, leaving the forwards to cover their position. Can cover role of spectator or linesman
The Props (No 1 or 3) There are two props in every team, the tight-head and the loose-head. In theory, this relates to which side of the hooker and they ‘prop’ him up at the scrum. That’s all they have to do in the game and the position requires no running or jumping or anything else
Back Row (No 6 & 7) Often called the ‘dogs’ of the pack. Presumably because they smell of Pedigree Chum after an 80 minute game
The Fly-Half (no 10) The fly-half is generally the person who gets abuse from the crowd for kicking the ball around too much. They also like to try and bluff their way past defenders. However this usually results in a horrific tackle and shouts of “Why didn’t you kick it?”
Centres (no 12 & 13) There are two centre positions – inside and outside centre. The inside centre’s job is to shout to the No 10, “If you’d have passed that then, I’d have been in” and the outside centre’s job is to shout the same thing to the inside centre. Inside centres like to play ‘crash ball’ where he runs heads first into an opponent. This can go one of two ways – a spectacular breakthrough or a visit to the local hospital.
Full back (no 15) Full-backs often look a lonely sight. It is their responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the opposing side score. Often put under a ‘high ball’, the full back is often gets ‘swivel eye syndrome’ where they keep one eye on the ball and the other on the opposing team closing in on them. Like to shout ‘Mark’ a lot, presumably a friend of theirs 15
y l l a t n e m n o r i v n E ? u w o o Y H e r A s u o i c Cons quiz
You think you’re environmentally conscious right? Well, you might not be as environmentally conscious as you think you are. Take Derek the Weathersheep’s ‘How Environmentally Conscious Are You?’ Quiz here to find out! 1. You buy a flock of cows to save you having to pay the milkman but unfortunately, your cows keep on farting and producing a lot of methane gas. Do you? a) Invite friends and family round for a night of Bovine Pyrotechnics, where you take a blowtorch to each cow’s arse and on delivery of an ‘air biscuit’, watch their faces glow with rapture and delight? b) Sell the cows to your mate down the pub? c) Attach a Fart Catcher™ device, and plumb to the gas turbine in your attic to produce electricity for the local village? 2. Your next door neighbour insists on taking her 2 year old pip of a kid to the nursery down the road in her 4x4 Hummer. Realising the harm that she is doing to the atmosphere, do you? a) Congratulate your neighbour on owning the largest vehicle in the street, and suggesting that she may want to improve the 16
performance of the car, and therefore getting her child to nursery in record time, by fitting six turbos and a NoS kit? b) Move house c) Sabotage the Hummer, by letting down its tyres and putting a banana up the exhaust? 3. A local MP decides that he wants to build a motorway right through your house. Do you? a) Take the £400 he’s offered you for the house, driving straight to Liquorsave and hosting a large orgy in a nearby field? b) Look concerned for a few minutes before calling round the local paper and pointing at the place where the new road would be build and looking sad for the photographer? c) Climb up in a tree, build yourself a tree-house and throw apples at the construction workers below, staying there for several months until you finally realise that noone cares about what you say and then come down and go home?
y 4. You watch a news documentary about how China is ruining the world’s climate. Do you? a) Book the first flight out of the country to visit this beautiful country? b) Look concerned for a while before calling out the local newspaper, pointing at the TV screen and looking worried for the photographer? c) Nip to the local Chinese take-away, ordering in a Number 47 and 59, before stuffing the polystyrene trays down the plughole of your kitchen sink? 5. You decide to raise awareness of climate change. Do you? a) Arrange a series of international concerts, combining over 100 acts in 7 different continents to reach 2 billion people and thereby solving the world’s climate problems? b) Dress up as an iceberg and visit a old people’s residential home? c) You have second thoughts, strapping your unused refrigerators to the roof of your Nissan Sunny and dumping them in a nearby stream? 6. You have a recycling bin delivered to you by the local council. Do you? a) Recycle it into something more useful….like an ashtray? b) Use it as a substitute buggy for your kids when you pop down to Kwik Save for some deodorant aerosol? c) Put the entire contents of your house in it, before moving out of your house and living out of an old trolley that you found in a stream?
Sign me up to Greenpeace right away!
7. You decide to stop global warming. Do you? a) Hire a large industrial fan, switching it on and pointing it skywards? b) Have second thoughts– you could do with topping up your tan? c) Arrange a series of international concerts, combining over 100 acts in 7 different continents to reach 2 billion people and thereby solving the world’s global warming problems? Mostly As – you’re quite worried about climate change. But put your feet up – the Earth will always be evolving – you just need to get used to the idea. Mostly Bs – you really couldn’t give a shit about it all. Mostly Cs– you really don’t care about the environment and you should. The Earth does not hold infinite resources– think of the next generation and the ones after them.
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competition
Win Some Welsh Air!
Yes, you read that right! You could own your very own Welsh air. Think how jealous your friends would be. It’s clean, it’s lovely and most of all, it’s Welsh. To be in with a chance of winning this amazing prize, you’ll need to answer the following air-based question: Q: What colour is air? Answers by email to our usual email address, quoting ‘It Doesn’t Have a Colour You Twat’ in the subject line by July 31st 2013. * This competition is subject to Derek the Weathersheep being able to get some Welsh air into a jam pot. Due to a recent lack of air high on the mountain, your prize may be substituted for just an empty jam pot.
Some air yesterday Air is great stuff. You can do almost anything with it. You can push it around, put it up your jumper, suck it in, blow it out and you can even put it in a box. What more could you ask for?
Winner of last issue’s ‘Loveliest Gusset’ Competition The winner of last issue’s ‘Loveliest Gusset” Competition is Dave Leathercrotch from Abergele. Dave told Ewes of the World: “I’m always being told that I have a lovely gusset. My wife nominated me for this award as I felt that I was being big-headed if I did it myself. I keep my gusset clean using some everyday cleaning products. This award means the world to me - it’ll look lovely on my mantelpiece next to my other awards.”
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Dave uses ‘everyday cleaning products’ to keep his gusset clean. He was nominated for this award by his wife Ethel.
Actors need something witty, pithy and fun to read. Working actors can read Private Eye whilst travelling first class on the train. Resting actors can read Ewes Of The World whilst watching Judge Judy in their pants.
David Garland Jones, Resting Actor
music
10 Things You Never Knew About Bonnie Tyler
1. Bonnie Tyler was born Glenda Brenda Jones on the upstairs of a trolley bus in Swansea in 1962. Her mum, Brenda Glenda Jones hardly noticed that she had given birth, claiming that she only thought that she’d passed wind and that it was ‘a bit meaty’. 2. Bonnie knew that she was going to be a singer from a very early age. At the age of 6 months, she was performing in local workingmen’s clubs, performing such hits as ‘Tiger Feet’ and ‘Crocodile Rock’. 3. At the age of five, she saved 72 cats from a house fire by creating a small tunnel out of concrete and old toilet roll holders, enabling the cats to escape. She told the Evening Post afterwards that she wasn’t a hero, and that anyone would have done the same thing, and that it was the proudest moment of her life. 4. Bonnie changed her name from Glenda to Bonnie at the age of 7 when she realised that she wanted to represent the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest. Unfortunately, there was already another UK singer called Bonnie who was representing the UK at the Eurovision
Bonnie Tyler recently represented the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest where she didn’t do very well at all. But here are some little-known facts about the Welsh Wonder
Song Contest so Bonnie added the suffix ‘Tyler’ after her name, in honour of Steve Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith, who she ‘liked the look of’. 5. Bonnie’s first break came in 1972 when she wrote a song called “I Have a Bicycle For Sale (It’s Got a Basket on the Front)”. TV producer Glenn Widegirth liked the song and asked Bonnie to perform it on his TV show, Singers and Other Stuff. 6. Bonnie grew her hair blonde after seeing how successful Def Leppard were with theirs. She told the press at the time: “I found it fascinating that they could make it in the charts – even with a one-armed drummer. I think it was all down to their hair.” 7. Bonnie hit the big time with her second song “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. The video, shot in just one day in Bonnie’s house in Skewen, went on to reach number one in both Swansea, and all around the world. 8. Bonnie retired after her number one chart success, citing a bardy hip as the reasons. She told the press: “There was no way that I could have run around screaming like that with my bardy hip. It really hurts.” 9. Bonnie’s had her hip replaced in 2008. Unfortunately, it was put in back to front but she can now kick herself in the back of the head and make the kids laugh with. It’s her favourite party trick. 10. Bonnie is performing in the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest held in Sweden and thinks that she has a good chance of winning because of her hair. “They’re all blonde over there so I think they’ll like me.” she said. 19
anyone for a cosmic latte?
Described by The Times as an ‘outstanding young writer’, Rachel Trezise in one of Wales’s finest home-grown talents. She speaks exclusively to Ewes of the World about her work.
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The first thing I remember wanting to be, at around ten year’s old, was a fashion designer, and that quickly graduated into an architect.” Winner of the Dylan Thomas Prize in 2006, writer Rachel Trezise is reflecting on how her childhood has influenced her career path. “At around thirteen I developed an obsession with tattoos and decided I wanted to be a tattooist. I drew pages and pages of flash (tattoo designs) and used to go around knocking doors in the street asking people if they wanted me to draw them on their arms in felt tip. I left school and went to Art College but I was already reading the music press obsessively and started up my own music fanzine, thinking I’d be a journalist. After a while I got bored with the fanzines. By then I’d started A Level English
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as a night class and was reading books properly for the first time in my life. I was sixteen when I started writing my first novel and never looked back.” It was while Rachel was at university that she was penning her first novel - the semiautobiographical In and Out of the Goldfish Bowl. The book attracted wide critical acclaim and won a place on the Orange Futures List in 2001. The book is studied in most Welsh Universities and is on the British Literature reading list at the University of Montreal. Her second book, a short story collection called Fresh Apples was published in 2005 and won the inaugural Dylan Thomas Prize in 2006. Andrew Davies, screenwriter and judge of the prize described the book as ‘easily compared to James Joyce’s Dubliners.’ Shortly after accepting the prize, Rachel
took up writer’s residence at the University of Texas and married her long time fiancé while in the States. But with success came pressure to produce consistently good work. “I don’t remember the pressure that I felt after winning the Dylan Thomas Prize very well. Up until I won the prize I was desperate for attention and acclaim and then when I got it, I felt vindicated and so shied away from it. “For the first time after eight years of writing I learned to enjoy the actual craft rather than just the publication and attention part. I could for once because the prize money enabled me to keep writing rather than going out to read my work constantly or write magazine pieces. I moved from a small independent publisher to a London major for the novel that followed but it had been four years in the making and the
accolade of the prize was almost forgotten. The book went largely unnoticed, hardly reviewed outside Wales so that took any remaining pressure away, wiping the slate clean.” For many professional writers, self-motivation is a key to success. For Rachel, it comes down to basics: “Two things. The first is the determination to make my idea look as good on the page as it does in my head. Not an easy feat. The best thing about writing is the first spark of inspiration, the idea that this sliver of dialogue or start or end to a story that’s appeared in my mind could really be something special. The rest is just hard graft. But trying to transfer that initial rush of excitement onto a reader is a compulsion that won’t be ignored. “The second is the knowledge that my voice, that of a Welsh working class woman, is rare in literary fiction and so needs to be utilised in order to help balance the largely male and middle class world of publishing. “I’m a night person but I find it hard to write if there are people around so I have to keep to my husband’s hours. I start at 7am and finish at 4pm. I force myself to do that even if the writing isn’t flowing. Creativity comes in bursts and I have to try to eek them out for as long as I can but I don’t consider the actual creativity, the formation of the ideas, part of the job. They can come at any time so I have to keep a notepad, more recently my phone, near and note them down when they appear. “I read my notes now and again, letting the ideas develop slowly in my head. It’ll be weeks, maybe even years before they hit the page because I’ll still be working on whatever I’m working on presently. The idea is the creativity and the writing is the craft. But that’s a good way to weed out bad ideas. If they’re good they’ll stick and they’ll still be there when you sit down to write them months later.” But why write? What satisfaction is there from finishing a book?
interview
“For other writers it may be different but the most satisfying thing for me is removing the file from the computer because it exists now in the real world instead. An analogy of that could be pregnancy – you’re harbouring something inside you, and then when it’s developed enough it goes out into the world, except books take longer, usually, than nine months. There’s no guarantee that the book will be read or reviewed; loved or hated. All of that depends on outside forces so you just have to say to yourself: Well done, you worked really hard on that. You did your best and now it’s time to move on.” In late 2010, Rachel was commissioned to write her first play for the stage by the National Theatre of Wales. “The great thing about the Dylan Thomas Prize is that it brought quite a few offers to work on drama, which was completely new to me. I wrote a radio play ‘Lemon Meringue Pie,’ which was broadcast on Radio 4 in 2008. Shortly afterwards National Theatre Wales asked me to write my first stage play, ‘Tonypandemonium’, which will be staged at the Park & Dare in October this year as part of the National Theatre Wales residency there. It’s to celebrate the building’s centenary. I’ll also be working on an English/Welsh bilingual stage play to be staged by Cwmni’r Fran Wen in 2015. Aside from that I’m writing a screenplay with Cardiff director Justin Kerrigan. But I’m also
working on a novel and a third collection of short stories.” Rachel’s latest book, Cosmic Latte is her second collection of short stories. “The title is the name assigned to the average colour of the universe. While some of the stories in my book are based in Wales, I’ve also based some of them in America, Europe and Ireland. “I’ve been working on them since the last collection was published about six years now,” she says. While the plaudits keep on coming, Rachel continues to touch upon serious themes that affect many throughout the world, not just in Wales. “The theme of Cosmic Latte is immigration, as well as people moving from different countries - even if they’re just going on a holiday.” You can buy Rachel’s books from her website at www.racheltrezise.co.uk
E G A P ’ S THE LAD g out n a h n a c s d a l re The page whe talk about ‘lad’ stuff together and
Guaranteed Bird-Puller
Celebrity Interview with a football player
How to Spin a Ball Derek: Hi Darren: Hi Derek: What’s it like playing football? Darren: It’s quite nice Derek: How far can you kick a football? Darren: Quite far Derek: What’s it like falling over? Darren: It really hurts Derek: What’s your favourite colour? Darren: Any Derek: Does it hurt when a football hits full in the face then? Darren: It depends Derek: On what? Darren: Whose face it hits 22
Step 1: Bend your arm. Have it bent a bit at the elbow. Next, put the ball in the palm of your hand. Step 2: Make your wrist flick. This will put spin on the ball. Your wrist flick should almost be like your hand closing on a tennis racquet handle, with your pinkie finger going first. As you do this, throw the ball up into the air about 2-3 inches (5 cm - 7.5 cm). Flicking the ball too high could hurt your finger, so make sure to be careful. Practice this a bit. Step 3: Position the ball. Next, after you’ve gotten it to spin and have thrown it up, put your index finger (this finger seems to work best) out and direct the ball to land on it. Make sure it’s directly in the
centre of the ball, otherwise it will fall. Step 4: Create momentum. Then once you have mastered spinning the ball on your finger to keep it going, slap the ball with left hand on the left hand side 3-4 times to keep its momentum. Step 5: Find the nearest girl who looks on longingly, Ask her out on a date, get laid like a real lad and then dump her. Step 6: Try and fight off the girl’s angry father by running away very quickly. Step 6: If he catches you, find the nearest basketball and repeat steps 1-4. Hopefully, this should impress him enough to leave you alone and not bother you any more.
Postcard from Welwyn Garden City by Larry Sloane
Greetings ! ! ! s t r a e Dearh
What a great honour it is for me to be talking to you – via the hallowed pages of Ewes of the World!!! I’m truly excited!!! You should be able to tell this purely from my persistent overuse of the exclamation mark!!! I s’pose I should introduce meself too…seeing as most of you won’t know who I am…My name’s Larry Sloane and I plan to bring you a new postcard from Welwyn Garden City every month…just so you know what’s happening in my life…I like to watch pornography, ‘The Fall Guy’ and golf! I like to make ART works too!!! I guess I’d describe myself as an artist/ philanthropist/entrepreneur…I currently live at my mum’s due to conditions set out in my parole. You’ll have to excuse me if the tone changes a bit through this piece as I am doing it in between times my mother is asleep, goes to the toilet or nips up the shops – at the moment she is at Tesco’s head office trying out different varieties of finger-food, so I should have a couple of hours unmolested…Not that she ‘molests’ me in the biblical sense – she just gets on my fokking wick! With all her gabbing on about the fokking neighbour’s dog and the cat that keeps fokking
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laying turds on the lawn…on and on… just shut up! Well, in case you dropped geography when you were 14 and just discovering the inherent joys-stroke horrors of the opposite sex, Welwyn Garden City is on the death line from King’s Cross – about 20 miles as the crow flies - and has the honour of being the world’s second Garden City!!! Oh yes!!! All you readers residing in concrete-based new-town shit-holes have old Ebenezer Howard to thank for that!!! Oh Yes!!! They have one in Cardiff too. Anyway, I saw yesterday that a young lad has narrowly escaped death after mucking about with power lines in a disused factory??? On the front page of the Welwyn Times it was… great big picture of the little rat boy ‘n’ all!!! The bastards!!! That’s probably where fokking Posh Spice started – front page expose of the local paper fuelling her incessant need to be ‘seen’…to be ‘famous’ for something… anything…even being the most famous skeletal, talentless bint to come from Cuffley!!! I don’t begrudge her any of it though…I’m happy!!! I am…I don’t need to be shafted by David Beckham to know that…As long as Tim Henman remains in the draw at Wimbledon every year my humour remains undiminished!!!! ...come on then…? Let’s hear you…? Come on Tiger Tim!!!!! (Is he still playing?)…that’s right... you know you want to…(Is he still playing?)
Lx
When I’m not reading the news on the telly, I like nothing better than to read Ewes of the World. Ruth Wignall, Newsreader and Weathergirl
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The UK Tour
...some of the most titanic riffs I have heard in years.
the vocal presence of Maria was nothing short of goddess-like
www.theconsortiumtour.co.uk
Dewi and the Seeds of Doom The perfect book for your child this summer Dewi the and the Seeds of Doom is a children’s adventure story about a Welsh dragon detective. When Dewi is clobbered by a falling rat, the nosy Welsh dragon discovers a ghastly plot. Helped by a chemistry-mad toad, Dewi must use wits and firepower to stop an evil baron from secretly growing mutant corn at an unfriendly castle. Amazon Reviews “If you are up for a good mystery, author Maggie Lyons will put young readers to the test.” “What a delightful story! What child wouldn’t love this?” “I really enjoyed reading this book.” Available at Amazon Click Here!
problem page
ask doris Doris is here to sort out those problems in life that you can’t be arsed to sort yourself
Bonnie Love My name is Josh and I am 17 years old. Unlike my school friends who are into Rihanna and Jessie J, I have become hooked on Bonnie Tyler. I didn’t know who she was until she was named as being the UK’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest. I had grown up to her music as my parents love 70’s and 80’s music. But seeing her on TV in recent weeks, I have been buying posters of her and putting them all over my bedroom walls. I cant get enough of Bonnie and have been buying other Bonnie memorabilia on Ebay. I am currently bidding on a pair of her knickers and am the highest bidder. I think I am becoming addicted to older women. I believe they are called Milfs. Surely Milfs are people who
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come from Milford Haven? Do you see any hope and Bonnie returning her love for me? I was thinking of sending her a pair of my boxers. Josh Johnstown, Carmarthen Doris Says: You are a 17 year old boy and almost a man in the eyes of the law. Your hormones are everywhere. Bonnie is married and its highly unlikely that she will be interested in you. HOWEVER, as you are into Milfs, I am sending you a letter with my phone number and a pair of MY pants. They are M & S. Nothing but the best for me. I look forward to hearing from you when you are 18.
My Life’s A Mess I am 26 and have a drugs habit. It started in my teens and it is ruining my life. I
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cannot hold a job down. Girls don’t wish to know me once they know about my drug addiction, despite the fact I am very well endowed. My parents kicked me out and have disowned me and my life is thus a total mess. I have no friends as my drug taking gets me into trouble with the law. What should I do? Taffy Treforest Doris Says: You are right. You are a mess. You should give up taking drugs. Have you thought of taking up alcohol instead as you meet fellow alcoholics in the pubs? If you’ve got a problem you’d like Doris to sort, email your story to derek@weathersheep. com
I never take anything else to the toilet with me. Bennett Arron, Comedian and TV presenter
h c a e r o t t n a W
S D N A S U O TH ? s r e d of rea
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Then . n o kettle t. e h t p ha Po we’ll c
byInvitation Ewes of the World at Wales’s best social events because all the other ones are shit
FATTY’S GASTRIC BYPASS Guests gathered in Maesteg to celebrate Jon ‘Fatty’ Brown’s successful gastric bypass surgery
Jeff Simons
Sophie Ward 28
Tim Reynolds
Gareth Knoyle
Griff and Jenna Matthews
Jon ‘Fatty’ Brown
Dave Pugh
Jim and Sarah
byInvitation Ewes of the World at Wales’s best social events because all the other ones are shit
STAN’S FIRST SHAG
Friends gathered at Stan Ho’s house to celebrate getting his end away for the first time in his life Craig Rees and Jemima Holton
Rachel and friend
Georgia Jenkins
Clare Evans and friend
Ted McDonald
Stan Ho
Stacey, Ed and Matt
Wendy Hartcliffe 29
horoscopes YOUR FUTURE IN THE STARS By Enog
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
What a boring month it’s been for you. Hasn’t it? Hasn’t it? (Reader: “Yes it has”). Never mind. June promises to be a stunning month for you. Everything you do will become a fantastic success and everyone you meet will want to sleep with you. In fact, there....oh hang on. Sorry, I’ve been reading Leo’s by mistake. Sorry about that.
TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
Ah yes. The bovine wonder. Have you recently that people have started moving away from you when you get close to them? That’s be the smell of Bovril you’re giving off. Better keep your legs closed if I were you. Your breath smells. Lucky name related to defrosting a field of cows - Thora Hird.
GEMINI May 22 - Jun 22
Wasn’t there a crap pop band called Gemini? Yes. I think they were the ones that went into the Eurovision Song Contest and got Nil Pwar. Well that just about sums you up this month Gemini. A complete waste of space. Unlucky day for entering a song contest- 18th June.
CANCER June 23 - July 23
The crab people. Hard shells, soft centres and an aroma like....erm...crab paste.
LEO July 24 - Aug 23
Everything you do will become a fantastic success and everyone you meet will want to sleep with you. But you deserve it don’t you Leo?
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23
With Jupiter in your house this month, there isn’t much room left for you, so you’ll be spending most of June in the garden shed with the spiders. Remember to move the barbeque stuff out into the garden to give yourself more room, and keep the rats out with a big pointy stick.
LIBRA Sept 24 - Oct 23
The sign of the scales. Literally quite true this month as you’ll develop fish-like scales all over. Not to worry too much though. Pisces has the same problem every month. A shop at Kwik Save on the 17th turns into a nightmare terrorist/ hostage-taking scenario, and you escape with your life after the SBS, who were on their way to the local swimming baths, stop by to help out. Lucky trolley to hide behind- the one with the baking tray left in it.
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
Sexy Scorpio. Their thighs are always moist and their genitals always primed ready for action. Shame you’ve got the clap this month then Scorpio. We told you last month to avoid that munter down the local pub. The one with the big nose and wart on their eyelid. Serves you right.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Nothing much to shout about this month Sagittarius. In fact, if I were you, I’d write off June and get started on July a month early.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
Capricorns can expect a varied month in June. There’ll be some good days and some bad days. There’ll be some days inbetween and some days that are more days that are better than the bad days and some days that will be badder than the better days. All in all, I can’t be arsed to think of anything exciting to ply you with.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 19
That goes for you too.
PISCES Feb 20 - Mar 20
Your tank will need cleaning out this month.
M O R F E L B A L I A V A
m o .c p e e h rs e th a e .w w ww
JUST 99p!
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it s is m to b le p a e b ’d u Yo