Where is my Bride? by Fidel Wangai

Where is my Bride?

Destiny Focus Magazine September 2018

I have never attended these traditional pre-marriage events because, you know, town children. The likes of kumenya mucii, ruracio, ngurario, planting ithigi, cutting shoulder etc. I only read about them and I hope that one of you will invite me someday.

But from stories I have heard, there is this part where several ladies are covered from head to toe in lessos. The aim here is for the prospective husband to do an identification parade and positively identify his chic.

I have no problem with you covering my beautiful Petroleum like that because, after all, when you people are not there I shall be unveiling, commissioning and

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launching her every night. Except when headache happens. But even then, it is the head only that is affected.

My problem however is what if I pick the wrong lady in this parade of ninjas? What if it is her grandma? What if I pick a fellow man who was mischievously sneaked into lessos?

I have just been informed that should that happen, there is nowhere they can take me. But the laughter

shall be heard two constituencies away. They shall laugh at me then slap me with fines. While still laughing.

I don't want it to get there. It is for this reason that I am desperately appealing to my Deputy to fully cooperate on that day. Please do something. Breathe heavily. Clear your throat. Wink at the father of your children honey. Blink faster. Anything. Hug me. Roll on the ground if you seriously need me in your life. Jump excitedly if you love me. Please.

By Fidel Wangai