9780768423303_ch1 by Destiny Image

I Did,I Do,Again!

W.L. CATI

All rights reserved. This book is protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America. This book may not be copied or reprinted for commercial gain or profit. The use of short quotations or occasional page copying for personal or group study is permitted and encouraged. Permission will be granted upon request. Unless marked the Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. © Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Please note that Destiny Image’s publishing style capitalizes certain pronouns in Scripture that refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and may differ from some Bible publishers’ styles. Take note that the name satan and related names are not capitalized. We choose not to acknowledge him, even to the point of violating grammatical rules.

Destiny Image® Publishers, Inc. P.O. Box 310 Shippensburg, PA 17257-0310 “Speaking to the Purposes of God for This Generation and for the Generations to Come” ISBN 10: 0-7684-2330-9 ISBN 13: 978-0-7684-2330-3 For Worldwide Distribution Printed in the U.S.A. This book and all other Destiny Image, Revival Press, MercyPlace, Fresh Bread, Destiny Image Fiction, and Treasure House books are available at Christian bookstores and distributors worldwide. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 / 09 08 07 06 For a U.S. bookstore nearest you, call 1-800-722-6774. For more information on foreign distributors, call 717-532-3040. Or reach us on the Internet: www.destinyimage.com

Dedication I’d like to dedicate this book to all who have ever been through a divorce. I share your pain, and hope that the words I’ve written will help you to move forward with your life. I dedicate this book to my children, grandchildren, and all the young adults who have hopes to marry one day. Know that you still have a future ahead of you—I pray that you will take heed that no man or woman may deceive you. Listen to the voice of the Lord, keep yourself holy and pure and give yourself only to the “one and only” God has for you!

Acknowledgements I am a mother of seven children. This book was birthed the year I thought four of my children were going to be married within a year’s time. They have all been victims of my divorces. I wanted to give them a broader picture of why I fell into the pitfalls of “I did,” so when they said “I do” they would never have to say it “Again”! I thank God for all that He has taken us through. I acknowledge that without the Lord Jesus I could have never made it. I would also like to acknowledge my children and let them all know how much I love them and ask their forgiveness for the pain my wrong choices have caused them. I acknowledge the past men in my life and ask them to forgive me for the pain I have caused them. I do not place all the blame on them. It takes two to say “I do” and two to say “I don’t anymore.” I acknowledge my husband, John, and say a big thank you for sticking it out and understanding what “covenant” is all about. Thank you, John, for all the long hours, hard work, and for having big shoulders!

I acknowledge everyone who made this book happenâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;thank you all! For those women who are dating, married, or have been married to a Muslim, reading my book Married to Muhammed may be helpful.

Table of Contents Preface ................................................................................11 Foreword ............................................................................13 Introduction ........................................................................15 CHAPTER 1 Alone Again…Naturally? ..............................................17 CHAPTER 2 Divorce: The Unforgivable Sin?........................................23 CHAPTER 3 Is It All Eve’s Fault?........................................................33 CHAPTER 4 Good Grief? I Don’t Think So! ........................................41 CHAPTER 5 Broken, Abused, and Healed............................................51 CHAPTER 6 Don’t Copy Me! ..............................................................59

CHAPTER 7 Online Love…Internet Style ............................................73 CHAPTER 8 Microwave Marriage…Wife in the Fast Lane ....................83 CHAPTER 9 Who Came First, the Husband or the Children? ................91 CHAPTER 10 Should I Say, “I Do Again?” ..........................................101 CHAPTER 11 How Good Is Your Vow? ..............................................115 CHAPTER 12 Here Comes the Bride! But First, Did God Get a Divorce? ..............................................123 APPENDIX A Marriage and Family in Islam ......................................133 APPENDIX B Making Your List and Checking It Twice........................143 APPENDIX C The Wedding Challenge! ..............................................153 ENDNOTES ..........................................................................161 SOURCES ............................................................................165

Preface This book gives biblical answers to many questions about divorce and remarriage. I Did, I Do, Again! gives sound advice on how not to fall prey to divorce again, how to choose a mate based on the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and what “covenant” is really all about. The unique message of the book is that it addresses the topics of divorce in the “Body of Christ” that have not been discussed... Divorce is one of the topics most leaders and pastors have stayed away from. Everything has been so cut and dry. Instead of bringing healing to those who have been divorced, so often we have treated them as if they have committed the unforgivable sin. This book addresses real issues of everyday life: How to deal with a blended family; the ex’s; ex’s-in-law; court battles; the past, present, and future. I have been brave enough to address the needs of those hurting from divorce—and answer those needs based on my personal experiences and the Word of God. This book was birthed from a true story of a person who has failed not once, but twice, and has been restored. 11

I Did, I Do, Again! We all must look again at divorce and the divorcee—with over half the church divorcing, we have missed something somewhere! Let’s find out where! As we all know the divorce rate is higher than ever. In Christian circles divorce has touched the lives of over 50 percent. This book will be helpful to anyone who has been divorced, and even to those who have never been married, but are looking for “Mr. Right.” Divorce does not play favorites, I Did, I Do, Again! will help those caught in a divorce situation—no matter what age or ethnicity. The book is written from a woman’s point of view, so women might relate to it more quickly than men. Although my husband, who has also been divorced twice as a Christian, loves the book and thinks men could benefit from the insights revealed.

Foreword A Message From my Husband, John: Divorce—the “D” word! Years ago the words were spoken in a whisper …“he’s divorced you know,” or “she’s divorced.” The focus was always on the final outcome, not the “who, what, why, when, where, or how” they got there. Today, the word divorce is no longer whispered—it does not draw “shock and awe” anymore. The word divorce is commonplace. Why shouldn’t it be? With the divorce rate in excess of 50 percent it seems like everybody’s “doing it”! The sad part is that the statistics are even higher for “Christians.” When a Christian gets divorced, it’s a sad testimony for the Body of Christ. Where does the fault lie? Is it with her? Is it with him? Do we really care? Perhaps the fault lies in true discipleship? Perhaps the couple was not effectively counseled on the meaning of “covenant,” before entering into marriage? The other issue the Christian divorcee faces, is post-divorce service to the Body of Christ. It seems like a Red Letter “D” should be emblazoned on the foreheads of Christian divorcees in light of 13

I Did, I Do, Again! the views of some denominations. Satan has deceived us! He has effectively eliminated over 50 percent of the Body of Christ from leadership positions. That was then…this is now. I Did, I Do, Again! presents an interesting perspective on the dilemma that divorcees face in the church. We know God hates divorce! I do too! I will always regret my divorces. Yes, plural! Not once, but twice. For those of us who have been through it, and have lived through the condemnation—both personal and from others—I am glad for the revelation that God loves me, and has forgiven all my sins…including the sin of divorce. This book will help you understand the ravages of divorce. Don’t get a divorce. Adhere to the covenant you made before God. If you are divorced, know you are forgiven, and move forward in the gifts and callings that God placed in your life. Discover your purpose and pursue it.

Introduction W.L. Cati has written a masterpiece. Divorce runs rampant. Hurt men and women cry out for answers. God has equipped her with answers that will bring comfort, clarity, and joy to your hurting heart. It takes two to make a great marriage. It takes only one to destroy a marriage. In other cases a marriage is destroyed because of a mutual lack of knowledge. Regardless of whether you were a victim, or a perpetrator, or your marriage was felled by a lack of knowledge, read this book. Read for healing if you were a victim, read for knowledge if you lacked it, or read to find a place of change and repentance if you were a perpetrator. God has a future that includes good plans for you! Allow the words of this book to bring healing and restoration to your heart. A special treat is the insight that W.L. Cati shares concerning her past marriage to a Muslim man. Her willingness to openly share painful experiences give a rare and fascinating glimpse behind the scenes into the mind of men who are involved in this mysterious religion. 15

I Did, I Do, Again! Our heart is for happy and successful marriages. Sometimes this can only take place after the healing that W.L. Cati shares in this wonderful, yoke-breaking and thought-provoking writing. Joel and Kathy Davisson, Authors The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His! www.unchainedhearts.com

CHAPTER 1

Alone Again…Naturally?

There is nothing natural about being alone. God looked at Adam and said that it was not good for him to be alone. So He made Eve. Companionship is the natural order of things. After all, even Mickey has Minnie, Donald has Daisy, Popeye has Olive Oyl, and Cinderella found her Prince Charming. Two failed marriages and seven children later I was alone once again. Bitterly wounded from my past relationships, I promised myself that I was through with love. I was done with men in my life. No one would ever hurt me, control me, abuse me, use me, or deceive me again! With each promise that I made to myself to live alone without a spouse for the rest of my life, I felt as though I was taking a knife and trying to cut out something deep in my soul. If there had been a way to fold up my heart, put a lock on it, and throw away the key, I would have done it. I had reached the definite conclusion that all men were created equal—they were equally all jerks! If my Prince Charming was out there somewhere, he must have fallen off his horse and decided to walk, or had taken some short cut and got lost because he wouldn’t stop to ask for directions. Maybe he was sidetracked along the way with a TV remote in couch potato land. To say the least, my respect for the male gender had been reduced to the idea that all of 17

I Did, I Do, Again! them were guilty of something until proven innocent. It didn’t matter what race, creed, or religion they were; as far as I was concerned a common thread ran through all of them—ego. I call it the “Me Tarzan, you Jane” syndrome. Deep inside, however, I knew something was wrong with this whole picture.

A Legacy of Abuse Because I loved the Lord with all my heart, I desired to please Him. My church had taught me that submission to my husband was the key to a great marriage. I tried to be submissive but never succeeded, and I knew I could not bear hearing one more teaching on “Wives Submit.” I tried to be the “total woman”—from Saran Wrap® to the head covers of Islam, but that didn’t work. No matter what I tried, true love was nowhere to be found. All I kept digging up were men who either wanted a sexy trophy to hang on their arm, a mother to take care of all their needs, or a doormat to wipe their feet on. Most of them wanted all three—in one woman! Before you get the wrong idea, this is not a book about bashing men. I am simply explaining how I felt about men and marriage until the Lord worked in me and brought deep healing. Years of abuse from men beginning as early as I can remember set me up for a long road of heartache. It took the Holy Spirit working in my life to heal those deep wounds. The first step (and it was a giant one!) was learning to forgive all those who had hurt me, recognizing that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). Looking back over my years both in Islam and in Christianity and comparing the men in my life in both cultures and religions, I have concluded that in the final analysis there is very little difference between the two. I’m not talking about differences in faith or belief but about attitudes toward and treatment of women. Regardless of what either faith system may teach on the subject, abusers of women abound. They can be found standing behind pulpits or lying in the gutter on skid row. Islam, Judaism, Christianity; it doesn’t matter. The “male superiority” spirit, or demon, does not care what race or religion it attaches itself to. 18

Alone Again…Naturally?

When it comes to the ill treatment of women, there are no racial, religious, or socio-economic boundaries. All around the globe and in almost every culture abuse of women remains one of the most prevalent yet least talked about crimes. Usually this abuse stems from a controlling, manipulating mind-set and can take the form not only of physical abuse but also verbal, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse—or any combination thereof. This is truly a universal problem. As I have stated many times during my public speaking appearances, “I cannot say that all Muslim men abuse their wives, nor can I say that all Christian and Jewish men do not abuse their wives.” My second husband was a Muslim. What attracted me to him at first glance was that he seemed to desire “family” even more than most of the Christian men I had known. This was not the case at all, however, as I quickly discovered from the “inside.” The more I stayed in Islam, and the harder I tried to be a proper Muslim wife, the more oppressed I became. In Islam, women are virtually nonpersons—little more than slaves. Desperately seeking the truth, I began to ask myself; “Is God a woman hater? Should I just swallow my plight as the ‘slave’ vessel? Did Eve go through all of this? Is this really the way God planned it all?” Although I was married, I still felt alone. When I got divorced again, I really felt rejected. Divorced and a woman…what future did I have? If God really loved me then somewhere along the road of life I must have bought into a lie.

Seeing the Light Once I began to see and know who I was in the Lord and started to lay aside the false teaching, the Lord set me free to trust again. At first, I could trust only God as His Spirit spoke in and through others. I still did not dare believe the words of any man. Romans 3:4 expresses what I believed: “Let God be true, and every man a liar. As it is written: ‘So that you may be proved right when you speak and prevail when you judge.’” Yes, that was my experience: all men were liars. 19

I Did, I Do, Again! Later on I learned from God’s Word that I should not regard or judge any man by a worldly standard: So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:16-17) These verses took on a deep meaning for me and became “fresh bread” to my soul. I was searching for those of like faith to mine and who lived by the example of the Lord; people who understood the teaching that we all must die to our flesh. When flesh dies, the ego also dies. The Holy Spirit began showing me that a lack of trust meant that I had lack of faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God (Heb. 11:6). I had to lay down all my fears of man and place them at the foot of the cross. Healing began to take root. I learned that divorce was not the issue. The issues were the things that led to the divorce. As I allowed the Lord to go into places I had locked tight inside my heart, He enabled me to trust that He had my best interest at heart. The Holy Spirit is always a perfect gentleman. He never jerked the keys of my heart out of my hands but lovingly asked me to give them to Him. It was a process. As real forgiveness took place, my sense of freedom increased. There were many things that had happened to me that I had never forgotten, and never will, but I still had to forgive. As humans we do not have the ability to forget. Only God can do that, and that is okay. We must forgive if we want to be forgiven. Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that just because you have not forgotten, you have not forgiven. The true test of forgiveness is when you can love those who curse you and can bless your enemies. The more I allowed healing to take place, the more I knew I didn’t have the desire to be alone the rest of my life. As I let go of the pain, my need to share my life with someone else grew. To live alone was not my special gift. Being alone did not come naturally to me; I knew this in my heart of hearts. At the same time I came to understand that completeness in my life would not come from having a spouse. A spouse was not my 20

Alone Againâ&#x20AC;ŚNaturally?

source of security. My completeness and security had to come from the Lord. No man would ever make me whole; only the Lord could do that. He is the one who places this desire in our hearts, and as healing took place in my life I became open once again to someone coming alongside me. There is a big difference in desiring to share your life with someone compared to merely wanting someone to take care of you. Finally, after my motives checked out as pure, the Lord knew I was ready for a new relationship. He knew I was ready for a husband.