for openers
Goodbye, and Hello Again
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ast month in the JN I shared similarities between myself and quarterback Tom Brady, one of which was we both knew when it was the right time to retire from football. Tom called it quits after an illusAlan trious 22-year Muskovitz NFL career that Contributing Writer included seven Super Bowl wins, while I hung up my athletic cup after only a few weeks of getting my tuchus kicked unmercifully as a member of Southfield’s Mary Thompson Jr. High School Titans seventh grade heavyweight squad. Well, as you no doubt know by now, after only 40 days into retirement, Tom Brady had a change of heart and decided to un-retire and return as the starting QB for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. At the time of his retirement Brady said: “It is now time to focus my time and energy on other things that require my attention.” Well, he must have attention deficit because after 40 days he benched his wife and three young kids for a return to the gridiron. I guess if waking up every day in a waterfront mansion in Florida with a super model by your side can’t keep your attention,
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MARCH 24 • 2022
Cher
NIH IMAGE GALLERY
GEORGES BIARD VIA WIKIMEDIA
RAPH_PH VIA WIKIMEDIA
PURELY COMMENTARY
Elton John
Barbra Streisand
Performers who have had more than one “farewell tour.”
nothing will. Except football. Of his flip-flop, Brady said he had “unfinished business” to attend to. If a seven-time Super Bowl champion has unfinished business, what does that leave the Detroit Lions left to accomplish? Future headline: Entire Lions team and ownership retire after winning a first-round playoff game. Ford family says: “There’s no way we can ever top this.” It’s obvious Brady had a rude reckoning with reality. Despite his 2021 salary, with bonuses, bringing it to around $40 million, he still has three young kids to put through college. And have you seen gas prices lately? Plus, Tom will be 45-years old when he suits up for his 23rd season this fall. That means he still has 20 years left before he can go on Medicare and over 20 years before he can start collecting Social Security unless he takes it early. Talk about a financial wake-up call. Meanwhile, news of Tom Brady’s un-retirement brings up a subject that has long been a source of annoyance for me, mostly generated from the entertainment industry, specifically singers who go on “Farewell Tours”... more than once. Cher reportedly had one of the highest-grossing farewell tours ending in 2005 pulling
in upwards of $250 million, which (stand by for a run on sentence) sustained her until she un-retired in 2008 to perform in residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, which earned her another $60 million, which she scraped by on until she un-retired and hit the road on her Dressed to Kill Tour in 2014, pulling in close to $55 million, which she managed to eke by on until she un-retired in 2017 to do another residency in Las Vegas. I got you, babe? No, she got us, in the pocketbook. I’m sorry, but if you’re a singer who lured folks into forking well over a quarter billion dollars in tickets for a last chance to come say goodbye to you, then those tickets, and all the other faux farewell tour tickets, should be refunded. And if you have the chutzpah to un-retire yet again, then those tickets should be free to those fans who came to say goodbye to you before. Or at the very least pay for their parking. Who could forget when Barbra Streisand retired in 2000? Apparently, Barbra. She went on to un-retire several more times over the last two decades. And she laments why “you don’t bring me flowers anymore?” Why? We can’t afford it. I paid $350 a ticket to see Babs at the Palace of Auburn Hills in
1994. OK, it was worth it. Elton John first retired in 1977 but several other farewell tours would follow over the decades. Then just this past Feb. 8 and 9, John bid adieu again for the “last” time at Little Caesars Arena in Detroit during his Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour. But wouldn’t you know it, it’s road construction season and apparently even the yellow brick road is in need of repair. Not to worry, Elton will defray those costs by returning to say goodbye again, again, at Comerica Park on July 18. I conclude by telling you about one farewell tour in the entertainment business that actually did stick. Hard to believe, but this Saturday, March 26, marks the 12th anniversary of Dick Purtan’s retirement from radio. I was honored to be a part of Purtan’s People for 20 years and that final broadcast. Could Dick and Purtan’s People be coaxed out of retirement? Highly unlikely — unless we could find a cassette or CD player to play our old comedy bits on ... and who has one of those anymore? Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/ acting talent, speaker, and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com. Like Al on Facebook and reach him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
