The Bond that Breaks Us

18 may 2021 / dfwchild.com

T HE BOND THAT US B S A ER K

Alcohol can bring people together and tear them apart. How to recognize you have a problem—and encourage healing in your family

WORDS ERIN HAYES BURT

LAURA FOSTER WOKE UP DROWSY.

Actually, she didn’t wake up, not on her own. She remembers her husband shaking her awake, trying to rouse her because it was Christmas morning. Foster (not her real name) had been out late, really late, crawling into bed around 2 or 3am after a family gathering. Her husband was trying to get her up so they could play Santa for the kids. Foster distinctly remembers not being physically able to get out of bed, but she didn’t want to say that out loud.

“They’re too little,” she told him. “They won’t even know.”

Foster had a hard time identifying herself as an alcoholic. Partly because she was in denial, like many tend to be, but partly because she blended in so well in her very social Dallas family. It was hard to realize she might have a problem. “Drinking is a big part of our family gatherings. My grandfather died of alcoholism, but we didn’t talk about it as a problem. My aunt died in a one-car accident on [U.S.] 75, not long after getting two DUIs. This was in the ’70s. No one called that alcoholism.”

Foster didn’t call it alcoholism when she drove drunk. “In college, I drove my car off a cliff into the side of an apartment building at 2am. There was a hole in the wall next to the pillow of a bed, but the girl who lived there had slept out that night. It was a miracle no one was hurt.”

That could have been a wake-up call, but family connections kept Foster from experiencing repercussions. “My mother was married to a federal judge then, so I got off with no consequence, not even a ticket.”

WINE. IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER.

Today we may know more about alcoholism and addiction, but it’s cloaked just as effectively. Mommy culture on social media runs on jokes about wine, vodka, margaritas. A search for “Mommy needs…” on Google ends in 10 different drinks. Jessica Lahey, who is the author of The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, notes that mommy-culture messaging may be meant for moms, but it isn’t lost on children. “It’s pretty disastrous modeling for kids. They hear and see these things, and what sticks is ‘I need alcohol because you’re so stressful.’”

There’s a reason the pop culture references stick. “Women are twice as likely to have anxiety disorder as men,” Lahey states in the book. “And women with anxiety disorders are more likely to use alcohol to self-medicate their symptoms. In fact, women with anxiety disorders are more likely to abuse alcohol than to drink normally, and progression from alcohol use to dependence happens faster in these women.” She says it was true in her case, too: “The drink I miss the most is the one right before a party.”

A barrier to recognizing a problem with alcohol or any other substance is that addiction is largely diagnosed through self-disclosure. Most formal assessments still rely on an addict’s willingness to admit their habits and recognize that those habits are problematic. “If you think that you have an addiction, you probably do,” says Ann Qualls,

a licensed professional counselor associate with His Story Coaching and Counseling in Grapevine. “Diagnosing [yourself] is really just admitting you have a problem. If you’re not sure, find a therapist immediately for assessment.”

The fear of being found out is a big indicator for those who abuse alcohol. “One of the first red flags for many people is simply being afraid you’ll get caught, or realizing you had a near-miss,” says Jennifer Sartin, a licensed chemical dependency counselor with Alcohol and Addiction Support in Keller. She says the pandemic has had a huge impact on alcohol abuse. In addition to adding stress, the pandemic removed many people’s builtin accountability systems. “When you work 9am to 5pm, you can’t drink until 6pm. When you are working from home, 6pm turns into 5pm, then 4, then 3, then 2, then before you know it, you’re drinking around the clock.”

Sometimes, even when people are able to admit they have a problem, they decide to try to fix it themselves, rather than telling anyone. “There’s a stigma attached to being an addict or alcoholic,” says Stephen Medley, CEO and owner of Stages of Recovery addiction services in Fort Worth. “But there’s also a stigma to being in recovery.”

Going it alone may work temporarily, but it’s not likely to last. “White knuckling it may stop the addictive behaviors for a while,” Qualls warns, “but chances are it won’t stop the addiction itself, and relapse is more likely to happen.”

This is exactly what happened to Foster. “I thought it was a matter of willpower,” she explains. “I would stay sober sometimes and all of a sudden, I would go on a bender and it was worse than ever. I finally got help.”

One major barrier to getting help is telling family and friends. Most people around Foster were surprised to learn of her addiction. Even when loved ones do know about a problem, they often don’t know how to tell that person they think there’s an issue, or what the process of realizing that you’re an addict looks like. “I justified everything,” remembers Foster. “As long as I had a sober adult around with me and the kids, I told myself I can drink what I want and that I’m not hurting anyone.”

BE WILLING TO BE THE 98TH PIECE

“I knew they were into drugs, but I didn’t realize the types of drugs they were using or just how bad the situation was,” remembers Allie Calhoun of her son and daughter-in-law. Calhoun got custody of her granddaughter after figuring out that her son and daughter-in-law were addicts and had been for years.

“They were jittery, evasive. They wouldn’t ever stick around. They couldn’t look me in the eyes.” Today, Calhoun’s granddaughter lives with her mom, who is eight-years sober. But the consequences remain. Calhoun’s granddaughter still has trust issues, abandonment issues and outbursts.

“I wish I had called them out earlier,” Calhoun says. “But I was afraid that they would take the baby and run, and then I wouldn’t be able to keep her safe anymore.”

The anxiety of confronting a friend or family member is very real, agrees Lahey. But, she says, put your concerns out there anyway. Couch it with love, and go ahead and have the discussion. Just because you don’t see a signficant change in that person as a result doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth saying something. “It’s a puzzle with 100 pieces, and piece 100 can’t happen without piece one,” Lahey points out. “I’ve been the 100th piece, and that feels great. But it doesn’t usually happen that way.”

There often is a tipping point that brings a sense of awareness. “For many people, the way they finally realize they have a problem is when they lose everything—their job, the kids—and they have no other options,” says Medley, who advocates for brutal honesty in approaching a friend or family member who is struggling with an addiction. “Don’t disregard their feelings, but do disregard your fear over how it’s going to make them feel.” In the case of a family member, Medley says it is especially helpful to consider bringing in a professional addiction interventionist, who can facilitate the conversation.

Melissa Silva, a licensed therapist at Stages of Recovery as well as a recovering addict and parent, agrees. She is one of many addicts who were in denial until family stepped in. “My parents and ex-husband came and took the kids, and that’s finally what did it. I thought, Maybe they’re right. Maybe my life is unmanageable.”

THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION

Issues with abandonment and attachment are a problem that lingers in the children of alcoholics and other addicts, and that’s often why people get addicted in the first place. Then the cycle repeats itself as the next generation grapples with that lack of attachment.

“The thing that’s hard about alcohol,” notes Lahey, who struggled with her addiction before working in a recovery center for teens, “is that it can be a bond. The United States was dreamed up and planned and born in taverns. But for the 10% of people who can’t use substances normally, it leads to a place of isolation.”

In Foster’s family, alcohol was just a fun part of getting together. When she had kids, it got hard. And then it wasn’t fun anymore. It was something that brought isolation, guilt and shame—a cycle now three generations deep.

This cycle of addiction, isolation, detachment, addiction occurs because most people deal with the addiction on the individual level. “It is helpful to think of the family system as a mobile,” a 2013 National Center for Biotechnology Information study puts it. “When one part in a hanging mobile moves, this affects all parts of the mobile but in different ways, and each part adjusts to maintain a balance in the system.”

“Children who grow up with addicted parents are ‘primed’ genetically, emotionally and experientially for addiction,” Lahey writes in The Addiction Inoculation. “They are not only more likely to become alcoholics, they are also more likely to marry an alcoholic even if they are not alcoholics themselves, thus perpetuating the intergenerational cycle of addiction.”

Genes account for 60% of the cause of substance abuse disorders. The other 40% is determined by environment and epigenetics. This is where parents, teachers and caregivers have a fighting chance to influence the outcome. The addiction cycle can be broken.

Keeping an open dialogue is key. Create opportunities for connection and conversation, and don’t feel like you have to be the one talking the whole time. It can be easier to talk about tough subjects in the dark, or when you’re not having to look each other in the eyes. This could be while driving, hiking or having a conversation at bedtime. Be ready to be honest with your kids and give them real, data-backed information, whether answering questions about your experience with alcohol or addiction in general. Research with teenagers in recovery backs up this approach. “We asked teens in our group, ‘What could an adult have said to you that would have made you think twice about using drugs and alcohol?’” says Lahey. “They told us they would have listened to real data about drug use, information on exactly how drug use affects the developing brain and the pros and cons. Drugs aren’t all bad, right? They do give you good feelings. But those feelings don’t last. And the high you get from a drug is accompanied by a low later that’s just as intense.” Since anxiety and other uncomfortable emotions are a key reason many people drink heavily or become addicted to other substances, healthy coping skills go a long way toward a sober life— modeling good habits for children and cutting down on the chance of relapse for those who are ABOVE // Parents who WRITING YOUR OWN in recovery. “You want to swap out behaviors,” get into recovery can ENDING Qualls advises. “What works best to eliminate a prevent addiction in their children as well as generations to come. Preventing addiction begins with small conversations. negative behavior is replacing it with a behavior that’s positive or beneficial.” For those in recovery, Qualls recommends “Early on, the conversations aren’t about inject- therapy, meetings and having a sponsor or other ing heroin,” says Lahey. “They start with talking healthy support system. If you’re seeking counselabout general health and safety, like why we don’t ing but are worried about the cost or don’t have swallow toothpaste, or why Grandma makes your insurance, ask providers about sliding scales, or if uncle go outside to smoke.” there’s a student completing their practicum in the

“You want to make sure you are using words practice who might need experience. For commuthey understand,” agrees Qualls. “Older kids may nity and accountability, Qualls suggests evidencehave more questions, and you want to encourage based programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, them to ask.” Narcotics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery. In-

Foster recognized that transparency with her dividuals in recovery may also benefit from apps children was important; even though her boys for guided meditation, breathing and grounding were just 3 and 5 when she entered recovery and exercises. These can help take the edge off stressful she could have probably avoided the topic, she moments while keeping someone present. was open with them about it. “They know that Relapse is a normal part of the recovery Mommy has an allergy,” she says, “and that allergy process, but for parents, it’s especially painful; you is to alcohol. They know I can’t have it because it have an audience when you fail. This is when it’s makes me sick.” important to have an open dialogue with kids and

Starting the conversation isn’t necessarily easy, talk to them about your recovery process honestly, but research suggests that creating opportunities in an age-appropriate way. “Shame can keep for family time bonds parents and kids—of all parents from talking about that elephant in the ages—and creates trust, making it easier for kids room,” says Sartin, who had her own struggle with to bring up tricky subjects they have questions prescription medication as a parent. “Children about. Of kids who eat less than three meals per who are raised in a situation where they see their week with family, about 30% use alcohol. But parents go through something hard and come out among those who eat dinner with their family on the other side often do better in life than kids five to seven nights per week, alcohol use drops who never see struggle. You’re modeling for your by half, no matter what you talk about around the kids how to get up and move on.” dinner table. Recovering from addiction as a parent is a

“Kids are more able to communicate with long journey, but it’s also an opportunity to stop their parents if they feel a strong connection,” the cycle. You’re healing not just yourself but also shares Qualls. “You can create that with family generations to come. Foster has no illusions about dinners, outings and other time spent together.” the journey she began three and a half years ago. “Alcoholism is progressive, terminal and fatal. [Left unchecked,] it never gets better. It always gets worse,” she says. Then she adds, smiling, “But it’s the only terminal disease where your life improves after you have been diagnosed and get into recovery.”

Seeking Help

Most addicts ultimately need treatment and support to reach recovery. Here are several resources.

ALCOHOL AND ADDICTION SUPPORT // Keller

Licensed chemical dependency counselor for adults and adolescents; also provides family counseling. alcoholandaddictionsupport.com

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

Provides fellowship and accountability through meetings and the 12-step program. fortworthaa.org, aadallas.org

BURNING TREE PROGRAMS // Dallas

Treatment offerings include mindfulness plus 12 steps, women only, long-term and young adult services. burningtree.com

CELEBRATE RECOVERY

Christian-based 12-step program with meetings and peer accountability. celebraterecovery.com

HIS STORY COUNSELING AND COACHING // Grapevine

Counseling for children and adults for a variety of issues, including addiction. his-story.org

LIFE MANAGEMENT RESOURCES // Plano

Substance abuse evaluations, addiction treatment and family counseling. lifemanagementresources.com

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS

Meetings and recovery support for those who have struggled with drugs. na.org

NEXUS RECOVERY CENTER // Dallas

Includes specialized services for women, adolescent girls and their accompanying children. nexusrecovery.org

SAMHSA’S NATIONAL HELPLINE // 800/662-HELP

Free, confidential information and treatment provider referral line from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

SOBER MOM SQUAD

Virtual meetup opportunities, a resource library, peer support, webinars and more. sobermomsquad.com

STAGES OF RECOVERY ADDICTION TREATMENT SERVICES // Fort Worth

Recovery coaching, family coaching and interventionist recommendations, with additional treatment services in Waco and Lubbock; stagesrecoverycenters.com