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The emotional toll of secondary infertility

ERIN HAYES BURT

WHEN KRISTA BUNCH OF ROCKWALL got remarried, she knew they would start trying to have a baby right away. She expected it would happen quickly— after all, she was already a mom and had easily gotten pregnant the first time around. So right away she ordered a few things to surprise her husband and son with when she got that positive pregnancy test: a “Big Brother” T-shirt, size 3T, and a spoon with a pregnancy message on it to slip into her husband’s soup or chili.

But six years, innumerable doctor’s appointments, and one embryo transfer later, baby number two was hardly quick—or a surprise. “By the time it actually happened, my son had long outgrown the shirt and my husband absolutely knew that we were expecting,” she says.

It’s one of the many losses that women grieve when going through secondary infertility.

For an estimated 3 million women in the U.S., what happened so easily the first time is a struggle the next time around. For many of these women, secondary infertility, or the inability to become pregnant or carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby, can come as a shock—they had a baby once, why wouldn’t they be able to have another? The struggle can come with its own unique emotional challenges.

There are many reasons that people can have trouble conceiving a second baby, says Dr. Rebecca Chilvers, an OB-GYN with Fertility Specialists of Texas in Frisco. Hormonal issues such as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, low sperm count, age, endometriosis, uterine conditions, and lifestyle factors all play a part in fertility, and those parts can change over time. “The most common thing is that their fertility was waning before the first pregnancy, and when they go to get pregnant with their second baby, things were different,” Chilvers says.

But most women don’t know that when they meet their partner and start imagining their future lives together, including how many children they want to have and how far apart they will be. And it can be devastating when those dreams of their future family don’t play out the way they thought they would.

“It’s called ambiguous loss,” says Emily Morehead, a therapist in Allen who specializes in working with individuals and couples who are going through fertility struggles. “You’re not grieving something, you’re grieving the idea of it.” She says guilt, shame and grief are all part of what couples deal with. “I think that’s the biggest part of this type of counseling is acknowledgement of the grief process…feeling like their body failed them, feeling like it’s their fault.”

It doesn’t help when interactions with friends, family or strangers insinuate this, too. Comments like, “You just need to quit worrying about it!” or suggesting diet and lifestyle changes aren’t helpful. While dealing with infertility, Morehead advises couples think about who in their life will be supportive—and who might have strong opinions that don’t really matter but definitely hurt— and be selective before sharing. It’s great when the folks closest to you line up with being the most supportive, but that’s not always the case, she says.

Relationship issues can arise in secondary infertility, too. Partners may differ in how they feel about the process, even when and if to escalate to the next steps, says Morehead. “The two biggest stressors for any relationship are sex and money, and infertility hits both of those. There are even morality issues that are brought up,” she says.

For Bunch and her husband, fertility became a touchy topic to broach. “Originally when we were talking, I was like, ‘what if we do need a sperm donor?’” she says. “And my husband was very much against that,” Bunch continued.

Counselors who specialize in infertility can help couples navigate the issues that come up. “It’s a safe place for both partners to talk about how they are feeling with a guide for those trickier conversations around money and sex without guilt,” says Morehead.

It’s not uncommon for parents dealing with secondary infertility to feel guilty for not giving their child a sibling—and also for devoting time and focus away from that child. Sometimes, like Bunch’s son, the child may be old enough to wonder about all the acronyms Mom and Dad are throwing around. When the questions come, Morehead says, answering in an age-appropriate way is the best strategy.

“If a child has a lot of questions, it’s good to answer them honestly. There are a lot of good books about all different types of journeys to building a family,” she explains.

Likewise, if a child walks in on a stressful moment or sees Mom crying, it can actually be a great teaching moment. “It’s OK to model sadness, to get frustrated and then apologize to our partner. That’s really good for kids to see.”

CHILDREN’S BOOKS THAT HELP EXPLAIN INFERTILITY

These four books for ages 3-9 can help you explain infertility and the different ways families are made in an age-appropriate manner.

• Mommy, Did I Grow in Your Tummy? Where Some Babies Come From, by Elaine

• I’m Very Ferris: A Child’s Story About In Vitro Fertilization, by Tess Kossow

• Let Me Explain: A Story About Donor Insemination, by Jane T. Schnitter, Joanne Bowring

• Spectacular You: An IVF Love Story, by Kate Pache