Play With Me

noted.

PLAY WITH ME! when your kid asks to play with you—again

“Y OUR WORK TAKES TOO LONG,” my 6-year-old son informed me recently. I looked up at him from my laptop, where I was editing content for the upcoming DFWChild issue. I knew where this was going. “You need a job that takes less time so you can play with me more,” he continued, going on to suggest alternate occupations—home remodeling, perhaps?—that he thought would give me more time for Nerf battles and space wars. If he had his way, I’d be a full-time playmate. Truth be told, I try to be as close to that as possible. But it can be exhausting.

A lot of moms deal with the “Play with me!” refrain. It became even more common during social distancing, with kids cooped up in the house and friends confined to theirs.

First things first: We adore our kids and want them to be happy. But sometimes, child’s play

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Ads with © are © of Lauren Publications, Inc. 2020. is the opposite of what you want to do at that play,” Holland says. “Maybe move all your given moment. Maybe you’ve had a full day of furniture to the side in one room so kids can work or have been running endless errands. run around, hula hoop, build cushion forts Perhaps you were anxious to sit down with a and so on.” book or watch your favorite show to regain a As she indicates, the tools for play don’t little sanity. Answering your child’s “Will you need to be complicated—high-tech toys and play with me?” affirmatively might push you apps are not required. That’s not to say some past your limit. Answering, “No, not now,” may screen time isn’t OK. “It’s absolutely fine to fill you with guilt. So what’s the right answer? say, ‘I want you to play on your iPad for an LET GO OF GUILT But hour-after-hour, nonstop screen time in I’m a single mom of an only child. I don’t place of free play? Not a good idea. have my son 100% of the time, so “Just because we’re still social disI feel like I should save all my tancing doesn’t mean children’s “me time” for days he is brains stop growing and with his dad. And he developing,” points out doesn’t have another Holland. “There’s literakid at home to play ture showing increased with. But in chatting screen time can have with experts, I was negative effects on reminded that my cognitive skills, lankiddo doesn’t benefit guage and academic if I’m completely performance.” burned out. That means chil

“It’s important dren should, as often to model self-care, the as possible, go back to idea that I need down that seemingly archaic time and to relax,” says Dr. world before everyone had Kim Mangham, a pediatrician a smartphone in hand. “Kids at Cook Children’s need puzzles, blocks, Pediatrics – Keller sidewalk chalk, pots Parkway. “Parents need to understand “EVEN A and pans, everyday household things,” that they don’t have to do it all.” BRIEF PLAY notes Mangham. “These days, elemenAs it turns out, saying no from time to time is beneficial not only for parents but also for their SESSION CAN BE tary kids are coming into school with fine motor delays because they’ve been spending so much offspring. “It’s good for kids IMPACTFUL time on devices. They just need the basics, to have downtime and even be bored,” IF YOU’RE and they’ll use their imaginations.” says Dr. Alice Ann Holland, a pediatric neuropsychologist who practices in Dallas and is affiliREALLY ENGAGED.” Mangham recalls hearing her own children laughing and getting along while they were upstairs on ated with Children’s their own. She found Health and UT them building towers Southwestern. and a moat, complete “Boredom develops frustration tolerance, with pretend alligators, out of sheets. “They emotional regulation—the ability to manage were entertaining themselves,” she says. “It’s and work through a negative feeling—and not our job as parents to constantly entertain opportunities for imagination and creativity. our children.” Children will have to think to themselves, And when we do? Mom can’t play. How do I deal with that? “It sends kids a message that the world What do I do?” revolves around them,” says Holland, “and

Parents can facilitate play without parthat can lead to poor adjustment.” ticipating themselves; it’s all about creating hour while I watch my show,’” says Mangham. the right environment and opportunities. NOT NOW, BUT LATER “Especially in the current situation, when So, fellow moms, you get the experts’ blessperhaps children are doing virtual learning to say no—but not every time. “If at all ing or forgoing their regular playdates, you possible, the best response isn’t really ‘no’; it’s want to create a space conducive to free ‘Not now, but later,’” suggests Holland. “And

Rules of Engagement

Expert tips for getting the most out of playtime—and managing your child’s expectations

If you can’t play now, set a time when you

can. When you need to delay playing with your child, it helps for them to be aware that there’s a defined end to their wait. You might set a timer and ask your child to play on her own until it goes off, and then you’ll play blocks together.

Be engaged in a way that works for your

child. “Some kids like you to ask if you can play with them, because it shows you’re really interested in being part of it,” says pediatric neuropsychologist Dr. Alice Ann Holland. “Other children may prefer you to ask questions about what they’re doing and wait for an invitation to join—just show your openness to that by joining them on the floor, for example.”

Give your child tools to express their

emotions. “When you can’t play with your child, it makes for a good opportunity to engage about their feelings,” says Dr. Kim Mangham, a pediatrician. “Ask them, ‘Did it make you sad when Mom couldn’t play earlier?’ Give them the words and help them know it’s a safe environment to share their feelings.”

then follow through.”

Like many things, playing with your kid is about quality over quantity. Experts say when you’re giving your child time, also give them your full attention. Mangham advises parents to leave their cell phones in another room. You should also give your child wide latitude in choosing what to play. “They do well when you give them control,” reveals Mangham, “and they don’t have control over much.”

That means going along even when you find the activity tedious. For me, that’s playing video games with my son. (Holland told me I was “a saint” for doing this. That’s all the parenting validation I need in life.) Of course, some gentle redirecting is allowed, but for the most part, let your child have his say as long as the activity is appropriate.

“If your child has waited patiently, they’ve been playing quietly, then it’s their

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time,” says Mangham. “Focus 100% on them. And you’re modeling good behavior. They sacrificed; now you’re sacrificing. So you do it, even if you’d rather pull your eyes out than play that board game or read that book again.”

(PLAY)TIME MANAGEMENT

Even if it is quality over quantity, the quantity question remains. How often should we be playing with our kids, and for how long? As you might expect, there aren’t universal answers.

“Even a brief play session can be impactful if you’re really engaged,” shares Holland. “It really depends on the child and the situation. I’d be especially aware of this, though, with children who don’t have siblings—which means fewer opportunities for collaborative play. Some only children are fine playing on their own all day, but particularly during this time when playdates may be limited, parents should try to make up for the lack of a built-in playmate as best they can.”

Holland suggests a loose schedule for joint play to manage young expectations. Typically, two short play sessions a day work well, she says. “Maybe you do 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon. At the end, you can tell your child, ‘Now Mommy has to work, but we’ll do it again later.’ Whatever you do, try to stick to the schedule. Things come up, but when they do, reschedule the playtime. And add more minutes to the rescheduled time if you can. It’s letting your child know, ‘I’m setting aside time for you. You are important to me.’”

KIDS ARE CAPABLE

For the average child, there’s not a risk of emotional damage when you have to deny their request to play. “The disappointment of Mom saying no every now and then will not be harmful to their long-term mental health,” says Holland. “It can build character, resilience and healthy independence and resourcefulness.”

And you might be surprised at what your kid is already able to accomplish behind the frequent badgering for you to “come here.”

“You really can just talk to them and explain that they have to be patient,” Mangham says. “Give them a standard to rise to. Kids will resist what they’re not used to or what they don’t want, but they will step up and do it. Children are a heck of a lot smarter and more capable than society gives them credit for.”

PLAYING SOLO

Here are suggestions to encourage independent play:

Put half or a third of your child’s toys away at a time. “Novelty can be exciting for kids,” says pediatric neuropsychologist Dr. Alice Ann Holland. “If the toy is gone for a while and then comes back, it’s suddenly more fun to play with that toy again.” Send them outside (safely, of course). “Kids thrive outside. It calms moods, improves behaviors and gives them physical and socialemotional benefits,” shares pediatrician Dr. Kim Mangham. Get natural. “A lot of kids, especially those who live in apartments, are missing interaction with the natural environment,” says Holland. “Give them the opportunity to play with water and sand. It’s messy but great for cognitive development and creativity.”

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RÉSUMÉ

AGE 38 HAILS FROM Dallas and Grapevine LIVES IN Colleyville CAREER Arlington ISD’s director of research and analysis ALMA MATERS University of Texas at Austin for undergraduate (“That’s why my first child is named Austin”); University of Texas at Arlington for master’s and Ph.D. studies SIGNIFICANT OTHER Husband Matt, recruiting manager at Daybreak Solar CHILDREN Austin, 6, Dylan, 3 ½, and Connor, 12 months

Natalie Lopez says boys run in her husband's family—so having three sons came as no surprise.

mom next door / NATALIE LOPEZ raising kids & helping students

NATALIE LOPEZ HAS A PASSION FOR STATISTICS AND STUDENT SUCCESS. And she’s one of the coolest chicks you’ll ever meet. The school administrator loves classic rock and running. She’s a perennial Cowboys season-ticket holder and lets her boys get mohawks in the summer. And she doesn’t hide that raising three young sons can get a little crazy. “When schools closed in the spring, I was working from home and doing kindergarten lessons with my oldest, while also taking care of the two younger kids,” she says. “Trust me, there were days when I was thinking, I don’t know what I’m doing!” Take it from us: Whatever Lopez is doing, she’s clearly doing something right. Did you always know you’d work in education? When I started undergrad, I was in business school; I was going to be an accountant. And then I changed my mind. I

actually got my degree in history. I had a That’s a lot to manage! Yes, and I was really influential history teacher, and she teaching full time, too. I said to myself, I kind of made me think, Am I going to be have to get this done quickly. Because I didn’t happy being an accountant for the rest of want the kids to be like, “Oh man, my mom’s my life, or am I just doing that because I doing her homework. She doesn’t have time think I’m supposed to?—because one of for me.” Of course, I think it’s good for kids my relatives was an accountant. I decided to see their parents continually learning and I wanted to be in the classroom. Most pursuing education. But I didn’t want it to secondary-level history jobs go to coaches, take away from their time. and since I had enough math courses, I So I took a full load each semester. I went ahead and took the math certification would get out of teaching school at 4pm, test. So I ended up getting a job teaching drive over to the UTA campus, pump in my high school math. And I loved it! car. Then go to class, get back in the car,

How long did you stay in the classroom pump again driving home. I was just trying to before transitioning to administration? For make the best use of time. It took a village— 11 years—one year in Oak Cliff and then Matt and our parents, especially—but I got 10 years in Hurstmy Ph.D. done in three Euless-Bedford. My husband Matt “I THINK IT’S years. Tell us about your and I were renting a house across GOOD FOR current role with Arlington ISD. We look from Trinity High School at the time, and a job opened up there. It was great. I KIDS TO SEE THEIR at student data and use it to shape efforts and initiatives that will help students succeed. You start out thinking there’s was very sad to leave. Packing PARENTS this whole meritocracy: If a student just works up my classroom was harder than CONTINUALLY hard, then he or she will be successful. And packing up the first house we owned! Why did you go into LEARNING AND that’s not the case. There are barriers and microaggressions that make it difficult for some people. And if you administration? got my master’s I PURSUING don’t have someone in your family who went in educational administration EDUCATION. to college, then you don’t have this pathway and quickly learned I didn’t want to be a campus administrator. BUT I DIDN’T WANT [MY you’re directed toward. And so all those things impact a lot of people’s educational choices and outcomes. My eyes I didn’t want to just deal with STUDIES] were opened to that when I got my Ph.D. textbooks and disciplinary issues. TO TAKE And I thought, I’m a good teacher, I have a At the same time, I wanted to know about the system I was in and get as much knowledge AWAY FROM THEIR TIME.” good rapport with my students, but I can’t stop there. I feel like I’m making a difference in a different way now. as I could. After I How do you think graduated, UTA COVID-19 will impact sent me an email students beyond virtual saying they were starting a new cohort learning? There’s always a “summer burn,” in the Educational Leadership and Policy where kids don’t get any instruction for a Studies doctoral program. couple of months. And they may not have

I applied, and I was actually in the any expectations at home that they’re doing hospital giving birth to Austin, and the anything educational. They may forget how to advisor was emailing me saying he needed read to some degree, or they’re not practicing this or that to finish my application. I multiplication. That’s why teachers spend six started the program when Austin was 5 weeks catching them back up at the beginning months old. I finished when our second of the year. And of course different families son, Dylan, was 5 months old. had different standards for what they did in

ABOVE // Natalie Lopez's sons Austin and Dylan got a "shop class" lesson (building a treehouse with scrap wood) during pandemic homeschooling.

terms of education in the spring. So we are very concerned, thinking, What is the impact on these kids of the last 10 weeks of school being done at home?

And now school districts aren’t even necessarily starting in August. They’re going to do more virtual. And I’m very worried that the education gaps that were already there are going to widen. For students who have a parent who can stay home and teach them, it’s not as big of a deal. But what about kids whose parents are essential workers? In Arlington ISD, 75% of our students are socioeconomically disadvantaged. A lot of those kids have parents who are working two jobs. My parents worked two jobs when I was growing up. They wouldn’t have been able to help me and my siblings.

So there are those kids who don’t have somebody there to keep them on track and help them get a better understanding. Not all parents who are at home are good at teaching, but they can at least help their child try and figure it out. But if there’s nobody there, or if it’s a grandparent—you know, my mom doesn’t know how to use any of this technology. She wouldn’t be able to help my kids. There are a lot of factors that will have an impact.

How did your family make homeschooling work in the spring? It was pretty stressful. I was working from home, but after the first few weeks, Matt was going back to the office. So it was up to me to manage Austin’s homeschooling. I didn’t want to baby him, and I didn’t want to do it for him. I thought, Even if this is really crappy, it needs to be Austin’sreally crappy work. It wasn’t just about turning Austin’s assignments in for the sake of turning them in. I was like, I don’t want Austin to fall behind. I have to do a good job on this homeschooling thing for Austin.

It was just constant juggling. Because I’d get Austin started on something, and then I would try to distract Dylan with an activity for him. And I was still pumping for Connor, so I’d have to stop every three hours and do that for 30 minutes. Connor is a really good napper, so the baby was actually my least high-maintenance child during the pandemic! But we got through spring by the skin of our teeth. There were days Matt would get home and I would just hand him Connor and be like, “I’m going to go for a run.”

What does running do for you? It’s very freeing. I may still think about things that are stressful, but I recognize that I can’t do anything about them at that time. I ran through all my pregnancies. Of course, in the last trimester, I couldn’t, because I’d be like, I think I’m peeing right now.

I used to be an endurance runner. I did the marathon at White Rock Lake before kids. I was training for another marathon when I hurt my hip. Now I run 5 or 6 miles at a time and mix it up with other workouts to give my body a break.

What’s something else you enjoy? I love concerts. I’ve seen Paul McCartney three times. I saw Robert Plant. I like classic rock; Matt and I both do, so that’s kind of nice. I do have some guilty pleasures though. I’ve seen Lady Gaga in concert and Britney Spears. I give Matt a pass on those!

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HOW SHE MET HER MOM FRIENDS

g “Two ways: Old friends who had children at the same time in life as I did, and in my neighborhood. The street we live on in Colleyville has quite a few families with little kids, and their moms have become great friends of mine. We are all working moms and talk openly about our experiences.”

a monday in the life of JULIANA OLIVEIRA

6AM I hear Ian upstairs moving around Brazilian-born Juliana Oliveira is the founder and principal designer of Beyond Interior Design, where she designs spaces with international influence. When she’s not running her business, she’s running around after her stepson Ian, 9, and baby Benjamin, 1—her children with husband Randy, a trained chef who is now helping with Beyond Interior Design. The family makes their home in Dallas. and asking his Google Home, “Google, what time is it?” 6:30AM My husband and I wake up. Randy goes downstairs to make Ian’s breakfast and get his morning started. Shortly after, Benjamin lets us know he’s up and ready to get out of his crib. That’s my cue to take him downstairs to enjoy some quality Mommy-andBenjamin time. 7:15AM Since COVID-19, Ian has been spending more time at home. My husband and I talk about Ian’s day to make sure he’ll be busy with outdoor activities and interactive toys. 7:25AM Ian and Randy head out for a quick walk-run around the neighborhood while I make sure Ian’s lunch is good to go. 7:30AM Now it’s time to make Benjamin his breakfast. He loves eggs with avocado or oatmeal with bananas! 8AM Benjamin and I head upstairs so I can start getting ready for work, now that I am going back into the office. 8:30AM Our nanny Josie arrives at the house and takes Benjamin to get him changed and ready for the day—so I can actually finish getting ready for work. 8:50AM As I ease back to working at the office,

the hardest part of the day is having to say goodbye to Benjamin. It was a lot easier when he was younger since he was a social baby, but now he cries when he knows I’m leaving. Each morning, I have to do a little dance when I tell him I have to go to work and that he’s going to have so much fun with Josie. 9AM I grab my work must-haves (including my mask) and head for our newly expanded office. We decided to create an additional studio space to provide our team with ample room for health purposes. 9:05AM First things first: In the car, I get caught up on the latest episode of one of my favorite podcasts, usually full of inspiration, design ideas, and ideas on how I can run a better operation and be a better boss. 9:15AM I make a pit stop at Snap Kitchen to pick up my breakfast curbside. I’ll eat at the office. 9:30AM I arrive at the office and say hi to the team as I log into all apps and portals, briefly check emails—and just like that, it’s time for my first meeting. 10AM I begin a virtual meeting with my incredibly talented publicist Ingrid and my compliance officer (and sister) Sara. We touch base on all ongoing projects, from media opportunities to video content ideas. 11AM I meet with Jonathan, my senior designer, to discuss each project’s progress, client updates, team tasks and administrative to-do’s. This is also the time we allocate to resolve any potential issues with contractors or project timelines. 12PM It’s time to get to those unanswered emails. Before I start, I heat up my leftovers from last night’s dinner so I can have a working lunch. 1PM One of the fun parts of my day—I get to check in with Abbey, my junior designer. She develops our models and brings the design concepts I conceptualize to life. I advise on revisions, troubleshoot any issues and make sure we are on schedule. 3PM I check in with the rest of the team— virtually or in person—to ensure all finance, operations and compliance efforts are running smoothly. 3:45PM I create a running list of items that I will get started on tomorrow morning. 4PM Randy sends me a text that he’s home and gives me a couple of updates on the project he was checking in on. 6PM After a long day, I walk across the courtyard and head to my car. Running a little late, but away I go. 6:30PM I finally arrive home and check in with Josie to see how their day was. She tells me Ian had a great day and then hands me Benjamin. He has the biggest smile on his face and is pointing at the front door to signal, “Mom, let’s go outside!” 6:45PM I walk Josie out to her car and get ready to have dinner outside in our newly remodeled backyard! I let the boys play together while I

the fine print

WHAT SHE’S WATCHING Locke & Key on Netflix FAVORITE DESTINATION Seabrook Island, South Carolina. We have a family home there and go every year. WHERE SHE GOES

FOR RETAIL THERAPY

Luxury consignment stores. My favorites are TBC in Inwood Village and Luxury Garage Sale in Snider Plaza. MOM BAG Celine Mini Luggage handbag. I can fit everything in it: mom, baby and business things. GREAT FAMILY RESTAURANT Mariano’s Hacienda DATE NIGHT SPOT Tei Tei. Always start with the lychee martini. CAN’T-MISS PODCAST I listen to quite a few, but I really enjoy Radiolab. WORKOUT SHE SQUEEZES IN Peloton ride GIFT TO GIVE FRIENDS Coffee table books HOW SHE INDULGES Kate Weiser chocolate CELEBRITY MOM SHE ADMIRES Kristen Bell IF SHE HAD TO CHANGE CAREERS, SHE’D BE A scientist

SHE’S REALLY GOOD AT

Analogies. I’m always trying to put things into perspective. SHE’S REALLY BAD AT Answering my phone FAVORITE

THING ABOUT DALLAS

This city has the perfect balance of art, culture and culinary experiences without feeling too big or overpopulated (yet). SOMETHING SHE LEARNED THIS WEEK We all can benefit from slowing down every once in a while.

prepare dinner. Tonight I’m making salmon, which I portioned out so I can have left- overs to take to work for the rest of the week. I am definitely a seafood lover, but don’t think I would pass up a Hopdoddy burger with fries! 7:30PM Dinner is served. On tonight’s menu: seared salmon, salad and roasted potatoes. While Benjamin sits on my lap, I watch him try the food. He loves it. Ian’s favorite food is medium-rare salmon. He’s a great eater! 8:05PM We send Ian off to shower while I clean up Benjamin. 8:30PM The boys get in their pajamas. We read a book with Ian while Benjamin listens and dozes off. 9:15PM Randy and I get glasses of wine and put on Netflix as we catch up on our day. We call it a night shortly after.