No Need to Shout

How to stop yelling at your kids and parent more effectively

YELLING. SCREAMING. SHOUTING. We’ve all done it. Every parent has raised their voice at their children, and often regretted it later. But studies show that yelling is not only ineffective, it can actually be damaging to the child and the parent.

Yelling is a natural response to feeling angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, but almost no parent sets out to yell at their child, says Erica Sewell, a licensed clinical social worker and registered play therapist at Full Circle Counseling and Family Services in North Dallas. Instead, she says, yelling typically happens as the result of a culmination of events and stressors. Being a parent can be stressful, and those daily and long-term stressors add up over time.

It’s a struggle that’s familiar to Alicia Hillman, a Fort Worth mom raising a toddler. Though Hillman is striving for gentle parenting, an approach that’s level and calm, there are moments when keeping an even keel while wrangling an active 20-month-old is a challenge. “I’m a fulltime single parent and I get exhausted,” she explains. “Like at the end of the day, when I pick him up from Montessori and I have been working all day and still have work to do and he’s so full of energy, that’s when I get triggered. It’s still very much a work in progress.”

That’s not uncommon, says Sewell. It can be hard enough to navigate life and make it through the day, but significant life stressors—like a lack of family support or being a single parent—can impact a parent’s tolerance level even more. So even when parents are doing and trying their best to remain calm and collected, the fatigue from it all can produce a short fuse. “If a person is running on empty, it would be challenging for anyone to respond in a supportive and empathetic

The Quiet Effects Of Being Loud

Knowing the downsides to yelling can help parents to strive to pause before flying off the handle. For the child, the effects of yelling can be damaging to their self-worth and mental health. “Yelling can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem because it can lead to them not feeling valued,” says Sewell. “Studies have shown that yelling at a child makes them more susceptible to depression and anxiety, can negatively impact brain development, and potentially intensify challenging behaviors.”

Yelling is just a short-term fix. Aside from stopping your child from running out into traffic, yelling at them doesn’t work to actually change their behaviors, experts say. In fact, from a neuroscience perspective, it is counterproductive. “Yelling can trigger fight or flight mode and makes it hard for a child to comprehend what is occurring around them,” says Sewell, “so it limits their ability to comprehend what is occurring around them.”

Not only does it have long-term consequences for the child, but yelling takes a toll on parents as well. “It can make them feel bad about themselves, the guilt,” says parenting coach Kim Meunch, founder of Real Life Parent Guide in Flower Mound. She points out that sometimes it’s a generational pattern—your parents yelled so you yell—but that could carry on a pattern that doesn’t align with the relationship you want to produce. “People say we don’t have a manual [for raising children] but the reality is that we, the parents, are the manual on how our grandchildren will be raised. So think about how you want to write that manual for your children when they grow up to become parents,” she says.

Twist The Shout

So, how can you stop yelling? And what’s a more effective option? Sewell urges parents to keep in mind that they have the authority to pause and call for a reset, taking away the sense of urgency that can spur parents to lose their temper. “Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you can handle this,” she suggests. “Remind yourself that your child is just having a moment and that things will get better.”

But it’s not only about the moments before the conflict; the time parents do—or don’t—put into their emotional wellness makes a difference too. “I would say to set yourself up for success, you have to put into practice daily self-care,” says Muench. “It does not have to be a huge amount of time, but it has to be things that you will not negotiate and that you will do every single day.” Muench says that this can be something as basic as getting outside for a bit, but her favorite tool is meditation. “There is no shortage of research now coming out, telling us the importance and value in just taking even you know 2 to 3 minutes in the morning setting intention for your day,” she says.

Lastly, strive for imperfect progress. “I want parents to think of it as being a muscle and something you practice,” says Muench. “Maybe you didn’t yell immediately this time and maybe you de-escalated more the next time.” And even slip ups can be a tool. “When a parent does lose their cool, it allows for the parent to model how to own their behavior and apologize,” she points out, “which is a powerful tool in strengthening and repairing the relationship.”

Turn The Page On Yelling

Looking for more resources to get you on a path to becoming a calmer parent? Our experts curated this reading list to help you learn to keep your cool.

• Becoming Me While Raising You, by Kim Muench

• No Drama Discipline, by Daniel J Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

• The Whole Brain Child, by Dan Siegel M.D. and Tina Pryson, Ph.D.

• Beyond Behaviors, by Mona Delahoke, Ph.D.

• I Love You Rituals, by Dr. Becky Bailey

• How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, by Joanna Farber and Julie King