7 minute read
Roll With It
by DFWChild
noted.
ROLL WITH IT raising kids who adapt to tough situations
IF YOU KNOW ANY CHILDREN (and I’m guessing you know at least one fairly well), you may not think of them as a particularly adaptable subset of our species. When it comes to wanting their own way, kids have a je ne sais quoi that can put even the most self-centered adults to shame. Whether it’s something minor (maybe your little wants to go to the park after it’s dark outside) or a real challenge they’re facing (perhaps Mom and Dad are splitting up), children might not be naturally equipped to adjust to a less-than-ideal situation. But you can encourage adaptability in your offspring. Maybe they won’t perfectly adapt all the time (and sometimes they shouldn’t have to), but you can have more days when they go with the flow of life.
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good things in it and keep on keeping on. live. “Ranching is all about having to get up (Definition courtesy of the dictionary in my every morning and not complaining about head.) Obviously, we wish our kids didn’t the weather but clenching your teeth and have to adapt to things like social distancing getting work done. I believe the ‘rancher’s and mask wearing. But such is the world right life’ has given them confidence in working now. And there are a few things a child needs hard, even if the work is uncomfortable or in order to develop or enhance adaptability to uninteresting.” those kinds of changes. But Darci’s kids don’t have to be on the
For example, they need a caring, responopen range to flex their ability to adapt. Even sive adult in their life, according to Jacqueline taekwondo lessons here at home help build Hood, Ph.D., a child psychologist whose office that skill. “You will not pass every belt testing, is in Plano. You probably have that covered, and you will go back to practice where your right? So what should that caring adult do? peers may have passed to the next level. You
“One of the most important things for have to be happy for their success and perseparents to do is to listen to children—to not vere to hit your long-term goal,” Darci notes. be dismissive when the child is concerned Lalwani recommends that kids get about a transition or challenge,” explains involved with different peer groups (even if Hood. “You don’t just say, ‘Oh, it’s fine; it’s virtually), so they can get used to dealing everything is going to be OK.’ Acknowledge with all kinds of people, with all kinds of what the child is temperaments. And going through.” Collin County dad Dave Beitchman identified “listening” as the No. 1 thing his children—Noah, 6, and Jordan, 10—want “YOU DON’T JUST SAY, ‘OH, here’s something else that’s important: As you go through various experiences and interact with people, demonstrate the “roll with it” when a situation is less than ideal. “When our boys are struggling with something outside of our home, they almost always want Mom and Dad IT’S FINE; EVERY- THING IS attitude you’d like to see in your kids. “If you transition through life situations well by exhibiting flexibility, then it will help the to be a sympathetic ear,” he says. “Often GOING TO kids do the same when faced with just listening to them helps them feel better.” BE OK.’” difficulties,” Lalwani shares.
But Beitchman A MEASURE OF won’t hover when his CONTROL sons need to work Life isn’t just through something independently. “If the about dealing with things you’d rather not conflict is with one another or with one of endure. We humans are blessed with a keen us, the boys usually want time and space to ability to problem-solve. So if a situation is themselves,” he says. “Legos and Harry Potter truly challenging to your child, and they are books usually help them process emotions on suffering, ask yourself: What can we do to make their own.” this better? That’s exactly what Beitchman and his NATURE & NURTURE wife did when they saw that virtual school Some kids are naturally better at overcoming wasn’t working for their family. “Our boys negative feelings and carrying on with adapted well to virtual learning in the spring life than others. “In my experience as a when they had the flexibility to complete pediatrician and as a mom, I definitely assignments on their own time and at their feel some kids are more flexible than own pace,” Beitchman says. “This fall, howothers innately,” says Dr. Mansi Lalwani, ever, students were asked to log in to virtual a pediatrician with Baylor Scott & White classes multiple times throughout the day. Family Health Center – Mesquite. “I think Using a traditional school schedule while we as parents need to empower and enrich being schooled at home seemed very rigid for kids through a variety of life experiences to be the boys, and the pace lagged quite a bit. It more adaptable.” was difficult for our boys to remain engaged
Darci, a Carrollton mom, says her 11-yearwith this new approach, and we decided to old twins have grown a sense of grit through homeschool this year instead.” a variety of activities. (Darci asked us to omit You also can encourage your children to her last name for privacy.) There’s ranching be the problem-solvers. “Help them by giving in Montana, where the twins’ grandparents them information about the new situation
and then allow them to be resourceful to come up with solutions to those difficulties,” suggests Lalwani.
But when there’s not a choice, when your kids truly have to soldier through disappointment and frustration, there are a number of ways to help them deal with it. “Mindfulness skills are really important in teaching self-regulation,” says Hood. “That’s something that really takes everyday practice, teaching your child to listen to their inner monologue: What is my voice saying about this situation? Do I have a balanced perspective?” She adds that mindfulness can be cultivated by slowing down. “For example, sitting outside and listening to the breeze rustling the trees, or visualizing a perfect place—just taking moments together as a family.”
In addition, you can give kids control in other areas to help them better handle life’s tougher situations. “Let them have control over their environment,” Hood suggests. “Ask them, ‘Where do you want to put your bed? Where do you want to put your desk? What do you want to put on your wall?’ Small things that they can feel in control of go a long way.”
General wellness also better equips kids to regulate their feelings and manage undesirable situations. That means maintaining a good sleep schedule, eating nutritious meals and snacks, and staying active. “When the pandemic started, the hardest part was getting the kids started on the right foot in the morning,” says Darci. “We found that getting up at the usual time and immediately going for a 10- or 15-minute run around the block helped kick-start the day for all of us.”
The key is doing all these things consistently, not just when a particularly tough circumstance—a life-upending pandemic, for instance—rears its head. “Coping skills aren’t built in a few months,” points out Hood. “They are built over a lifetime.”
Fighting Frustration
Here are a few books that can help:
• B is for Breathe: The ABCs of Coping with Fussy and Frustrating Feelings by Melissa Munro Boyd • Llama Llama Mad at Mama by Anna Dewdney • Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang • A Feel Better Book for Little Tempers by Holly Brochmann and Leah Bowen
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