Routines / Francheska Medina

A Day in the Life of Francheska Medina

To say Carrollton mom Francheska Medina has a full plate is a bit of an understatement. She’s a full-time nursing student at West Coast University, wife to Matthew (a nurse at UT Southwestern Medical Center) and mother of 9-year-old Christian, who was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism at age 2 ½. From dawn till late night hours, Medina is on the go.

6AM Matt has already left for work; Christian and I wake up. We still co-sleep since it’s always been difficult with Christian sleeping through the night. We cuddle and play in bed for about 15 minutes, and then we are off to start the day. 6:30AM Christian takes his morning medications and asks for screen time on his phone using his iPad’s Proloque app. (Christian is nonverbal.) I allow him to access his phone, and he runs off to wake up his grandparents and snuggle in bed with his grandma while I start on breakfast. 7AM Start breakfast for Christian. It’s his usual: three eggs scrambled, crumbled turkey sausage and gluten-free pancakes. “Breakfast is ready, Christian!” I yell, and he comes running to the breakfast table. My mom, Maria, sits with Christian while she has her morning coffee. I run off to get dressed. 7:45AM Christian gets dressed and brushes his teeth while I pack his lunch and gather his things for school. 8AM We are ready to head out! Grandma always walks Christian to the car to say bye and wish him a great day. Christian just started school for the very first time last August. He has been in full-time therapy since he was 3 years old. He absolutely loves school! 8:15AM We arrive at school, and he jumps out of the car, excitedly running to the entrance as I chase after him. He kisses me on the cheek and says, “Buhbye”—waving me off as if saying, “Bye Mom, I’ve got this”—and walks off to class like a big boy. 8:20AM I head to school myself but first make a quick stop at Starbucks. I just started back to school to pursue my Bachelor of Science in Nursing this past October. I had to take a break from school when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2017. 9AM I arrive at school and rush to my anatomy lecture. 12:30PM Finally out of lecture, I race to pick up Christian from school. 1PM Pick up Christian. Teacher says he had an amazing day! We speak about what he accomplished and mastered today and anything we need to work on at home. 1:30PM Christian has occupational therapy, and for the next 45 minutes, I catch up on emails, phone calls, scheduling doctor appointments, etc. 2:15PM Get in the car and head to speech therapy. Christian has severe apraxia, on top of autism. He needs special therapy for this called PROMPT speech therapy, so we see a speech therapist that is trained in this type of therapy, along with a speech therapist that specializes in communication through the iPad. 3:15PM Christian is done with speech therapy, and I discuss his session with his therapist and different things I can do at home to support his speech. 3:45PM We arrive back home and have a snack. We play some games, work on his programs on his iPad and work on writing. 4PM Mrs. Tia with Cuts on the Fly arrives for Christian’s haircut. Mrs. Tia has been a huge blessing. She goes to families’ homes to cut their special needs children’s hair. Lots of children on the spectrum have sensory issues, which makes things like getting their hair cut difficult, so going to a salon is almost impossible. We have been with Mrs. Tia for about four years now. She has worked wonders for Christian! He can now go to any salon to get his hair cut with no issues. I do still use Mrs. Tia out of convenience and because she has become like family to us. 4:45PM We see Mrs. Tia off and head to take a bath. Christian loves the bath and plays for a while, and I get started on dinner. 5:30PM Time for dinner. We sit down with my parents to have dinner together. Spaghetti squash is on the menu tonight. 6:15PM Need to do a little housework. I clean up the kitchen, empty the dishwasher and load it. 6:30PM Christian takes his sleep medication and says goodnight. He heads off to his bedroom with Grandma.

All About Francheska FAVORITE INDULGENCE Honey buns WHAT SHE’S READING My human anatomy book FAVORITE DATE NIGHT SPOT Whiskey Cake Kitchen & Bar BEVERAGE OF CHOICE Coke, unless I’m at Whiskey Cake—then it’s a Guava Gimlet! FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH Kirk Cameron. Gosh, I’m really showing my age here. FAVORITE SCENT Thieves essential oil blend from Young Living BEST PURCHASE EVER A bidet—hahaha SHE’S REALLY GOOD AT Selfies! I’m the selfie queen. On a more serious note, I am good at taking care of others. SHE’S REALLY BAD AT Drinking water, eating regularly and putting myself first HABIT SHE CAN’T QUIT Posting on social media and taking pictures of my son WHAT SHE’S WATCHING I DVR everything and watch when I can. I love New Amsterdam, This Is Us, Grey’s Anatomy and Homeland! NO. 1 ITEM ON HER BUCKET LIST To go to Paris WHAT SHE DOES WHEN LIFE GETS STRESSFUL Yoga, search out friends, have a nervous breakdown, haha LOOKING FORWARD TO Graduating nursing school!

She is helping me out tonight by put- ting him to sleep so that I can have a much-needed night out. 6:45PM I take a quick shower and get dressed to head out to a TACA (The Autism Community in Action) moms night out. Matt gets home from work and heads into Christian’s room to say hi, give lots of hugs and say goodnight. 7:30PM I am having a blast with my tribe! We laugh and enjoy catching up. 10PM I arrive home. Wash my face, change into PJs and chat a bit with Matt about our day. 10:30PM Matt goes back to relaxing and watching ESPN, and I get on the computer to finalize some assign- ments I’d been working on. 12AM I head to Christian’s room to go to bed. Christian feels me getting in the bed and puts one of his legs on mine. He always has to be touching me to know he’s not alone.

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Can’t Fight This Feeling

YOU CAN’T SHELTER YOUR CHILD FROM LOVE AND DATING FOREVER—BUT TO HELP THEM NAVIGATE THEIR FEELINGS, YOU HAVE TO SET ASIDE YOUR OWN FEARS

WORDS SUNDEY MCCLENDON PHOTOGRAPHY EMILEE PRADO

GLORIA MCGUIRE AND SANDY HIGGINS are looking forward to being mothers-inlaw. McGuire’s daughter Elise, 25, and Higgins’ son Carter, 25, are engaged—they’ve been dating for seven years after clicking at a Special Olympics outing to the circus.

“That night, I remember they were laughing together and being very playful,” Higgins recalls, joyfully, “and from there they just wanted to spend time together more, and over the years it grew and eventually they started talking about getting married.

“Carter loves Elise with all of his heart, with this pure, sweet, innocent love. It’s beautiful.” Both Elise and Carter have Down syndrome, and McGuire says she had always hoped Elise would experience a love like she has with Carter.

“When Elise was born, my hope for her was that she could of course have the same experiences and joy I’ve had,” McGuire says. She believes her daughter has found that with Carter. “They really love to spend time together as much as possible, and they FaceTime every night,” she reveals.

Carter’s father, Russ Higgins, sits on the board for Dallas-based nonprofit 1st Life Planning, an organization that provides housing for adults with special needs. He points out that the need for love and connection is universal, and it is vital for parents of children with special needs to realize that in this way, their child is no different than anyone else.

“They want the same thing as everyone else wants,” he explains, “so why wouldn’t they deserve to have it? It’s a huge part of life.”

Russ Higgins expresses what many parents of children with disabilities feel: a desire for their child to know the joy of being seen and loved as a whole person, to be chosen and accepted in a way that goes beyond friendship, to experience the soul recognition of being loved by a partner who is happy to see you, to know you, to spend time with you—and, as in Carter and Elise’s case, to choose to spend the rest of your life with that person. OPPOSITE: Elise McGuire and Carter Higgins’ relationship blossomed after an outing to the circus seven years ago. Today they’re engaged and regularly spend time together. “I would tell parents to embrace the utter joy” of their children falling in love, says Carter’s mom, Sandy.

This might require parents to overcome some fears and practical worries. For the McGuires and the Higginses, it was simply a matter of choosing to focus on the basic fact that Carter and Elise are fulfilled by their companionship, and then finding ways to support that through communication, logistics and the occasional work-around. “When they started talking about marriage, for instance, Russ said they needed to wait until they were 31 because that’s the age he was when he and Sandy were married,” Gloria McGuire recounts. “So that gave us some time to figure things out like logistics.” For example, the families are still working out a housing situation that would be the most comfortable for everyone. “But it’s all worth it,” McGuire says. “It’s worth it to us for them to have each other.”

NOT A SPECIAL NEED— A BASIC NEED When Abraham Maslow created his hierarchy of needs, he said that after basic needs like sleep, food and safety, the need to feel love and develop a sense of belonging in relationships is fundamental. Susan Wood, the executive director of the Hope Center for Autism in Fort Worth, says she sees this need in the young adults she mentors.

“Most every one of these young adults reach a place in their development where they recognize love as a need,” Wood says. She helps her young adults uncover unspoken social rules that we all need to manage day-to-day life, and as her mentees mature, relationships can become part of that social learning. “Many of them experience feelings of love in different ways,” she explains. While none of her young adults are in successful relationships currently, she says in their own ways many of them have expressed a desire. “Many of the adults I have worked with are lonely,” she notes. “Their parents are a couple, their brother and sister-in-law are a couple, and they want that companionship for themselves.”

For some parents, the idea of their child dating or falling in love may seem scary because it requires a lot of vulnerability. But Russ Higgins says that as a father, the experience is not different from when Carter’s neurotypical siblings started dating.

“It’s like everything else with being a parent, this dating stuff,” he says. “It has been happening since the beginning of time. We just have to let them fall on their face sometimes and experience things. That’s what life is about.”

THE TALK Yet teens and young adults with disabilities often lack key conversations about love, dating and sexuality, says Jessica Stone, assistant director for the Office of Disability Access at the University of North Texas. In her previous job, Stone helped young adults with special needs as they transitioned to careers. “My job was to help people with disabilities with work-related issues, but I spent so much time talking to them about relationships because their parents had sheltered them so much,” she confides. Parents may be tempted to overlook topics like sexuality, safe sex practices and online dating because they have a hard time seeing their adult children with special needs as individuals with the same biological and emotional needs as their typical peers. Plus,

License To Wed One obstacle to marriage for couples with special needs: the possibility of losing federal benefits. A year ago, Rep. John Katko of New York introduced the Marriage Access for People With Special Abilities Act (HR 1529), a bipartisan bill that would ensure marriage doesn’t affect eligibility for supplemental security income benefits. At press time, the bill was idling in committee. No Texas representatives have co-sponsored the bill; if you want to show your support, find your representative’s contact information at house.gov.

“We just have to let them fall on their face sometimes and experience things. That’s what life is about.”

“the talk” might require a different approach to make sure their kids fully understand.

Wood’s discussions with young adults with autism begin at a place of friendship. “I ask, ‘Are you interested in being friends with him or her?’” she says. “We start there because if they can’t be friends or if their friendship skills are not developed enough, the relationship will be superficial.”

She explains that for individuals with autism, conversations about love and dating might involve explaining social norms or other people’s perspectives. “For instance, I was talking to a boy who seemed interested in a girl at work, and he was frustrated because he said nothing was happening,” she says. “When we walked back through their last interaction, the girl said hello to him and he said hello back. I asked what he did next, and he said he walked away. So we had to talk about how the girl may have perceived that, what she may have thought.”

Stone agrees that pushing past the discomfort of having these conversations about dating and especially sex is critical because parents are often the sole source of information. “Yes, we may have to explain things in a different way or even use something like appropriate pictures to explain it, but we still have to have those conversations,” she says. “Their neurotypical counterparts have so many more opportunities to observe how relationships go, but in kids with cognitive disabilities or even other disabilities like being visually impaired, they aren’t having those chances to observe and learn that way. Someone has to tell them.” Ignoring the issue and not addressing things like sex can cause

long-term problems, according to Stone. “You cannot ignore that, biologically, this is going to be an urge,” she says. “I counseled many individuals with even mild cognitive processing who got pregnant and when we talked about it, I was shocked to hear how little sex education they had.”

For McGuire, talking to Elise about dating happened over a series of conversations that started as Elise and Carter became better acquainted. “Elise and Carter’s mental development is different than ours,” McGuire says, “so we talked a lot about what is appropriate and what’s not, about respect and how we treat each other.” McGuire says the open dialogue made it easier to have more difficult conversations about sexuality. “They are alone together sometimes, and I may have wondered if it was OK at first, but ultimately it was talking to Elise that made me more comfortable,” she says. “They like to snuggle and show affection, but Elise knows the boundary and has no problem saying that, and because Carter’s parents talked to him, he knows to respect it.”

A SUPPORTING ROLE The McGuires and Higginses agree that their job is to support Carter and Elise’s relationship but also give it room to grow and be what it is, instead of trying to interfere and direct it. That support involves handling logistics and honoring their kids’ desire to be married by figuring out how to make it work in a way that is realistic but still meaningful.

They say that teaming up with other couples to provide a weekly date night is a great way to support the connection. Carter and Elise have a regular group date with two other couples; the parents take them to do something fun together every Friday. “One thing they can’t do is drive,” says Russ Higgins, “so we have to provide means for them to get where they want to go. We work well with the other families, and that has been good.”

As Carter and Elise’s 31st birthdays approach, their parents also have to think about how the couple can experience marriage in a way that works for their needs. Sandy Higgins says that communication between the families has been very helpful. For instance, Carter wishes to have children one day. Though that might not be biologically possible, the families knew they needed to address it. Gloria McGuire took the lead and talked to Elise about the responsibility of having a child. “Elise can be bossy,” she says with a laugh, “so we knew that she would probably set the tone for that. I just told her that having a baby is painful and a huge responsibility, and she said she didn’t think she would like that.”

“Gloria talked to Elise, and then we told Carter that it would have to be something he and Elise would need to talk about,” Sandy Higgins adds. “Elise is pretty clear that she does not want to [have children] for the reasons she and Gloria discussed, so we were able to help them navigate that themselves by just talking to them and letting them talk to each other about it.”

Stone says that the McGuires and Higginses have the right idea—helping overcome barriers that make dating more difficult, but then standing back and allowing for a relationship, or even a breakup, to happen.

WHEN HEARTBREAK HAPPENS Though Carter and Elise are completely committed now, when they first started dating, Russ Higgins could see how much Carter adored Elise and worried about what might happen if they broke up. “With any child, you don’t want to see your child’s heart broken,” he says. “I did think about it and felt unsure how I would explain it to Carter if that happened.”

“It’s hard to date as a person with a disability, and I can say that from personal experience,” Stone reveals. In addition to counseling people with disabilities, Stone herself is blind. “But breakups are part of life and we all experience them,” she continues. “Parents just have to explain why people break up, and that most people have multiple relationships that don’t

Save the Date! Elise and Carter’s parents tout the group date as a wonderful way to allow your child space to date and get to know their romantic interests in an easy and laidback setting. The pair go out weekly with friends; parents take turns driving and planning events that range from elaborate to low-key. Here are some great ideas to start you off.

Bowling: This is affordable and simple, allowing for interaction in a structured—but fun—environment. Movies: A sensory-friendly movie showing is a great first group-date idea—because it allows everyone to get accustomed to being together without being overstimulated

through a lot of interaction. Many AMC theaters offer sensory-friendly showings for people who don’t do well with too much stimulation, and Alamo Draft House hosts “Alamo for All” screenings. Baking: For a more advanced date that incorporates some life skill practice, try a baking class. Williams Sonoma, for example, offers baking parties at its locations. An instructor will walk your daters through baking and decorating cookies or cakes and may offer additional helping hands if needed. Home dates: Fix some snacks and have a craft, game or karaoke night at home! Just be sure to give your daters enough space to make it their own.

work out before they get married.” Parents may also have to do emotional damage control before any relationships begin.

“I have one young man who thinks he will be alone forever,” Wood says sadly. “He wants a girlfriend and he talks about it all the time, but he worries he will never find one. We talk about it often.” Wood emphasizes the importance of discussing the joys and concerns that go along with romantic relationships—or even unrequited crushes. She says communication is key in helping people with autism understand what they are feeling and why. “Many [of the young adults I coach] have had crushes that did not pan out,” she says, “and it’s very hard on them. I tell them that’s sort of the first step: You have a crush that does not work out, and that’s why they call it a crush.” Stone says that of course feelings of sadness and loss are normal, but parents should also trust their instincts and look for anything beyond the pale. “If they seem depressed, the sadness continues for longer than it probably should, they become fixated, then it may be time to look at how you are helping them to understand and process it and to find a counselor who can help them to process it,” she advises.

Yes, the thought of a child experiencing this kind of sadness is scary, but parents should not get bogged down in the potential for heartbreak. Both parents and experts agree that dating and finding love is a beautiful thing for a person with a disability, as well as for their family.

“I would tell parents to embrace the utter joy of it,” says Sandy Higgins. “It’s truly an amazing and happy thing to sit back and watch, and of course provide support and guidance. It has been a really neat thing for us to see how Carter and Elise love and support each other.”