HAVING ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS …. REMARKABLY
GEORGIA MURCH Insert date
WHY ARE WE HERE? Build your confidence to have the tough conversations Develop tools to become better at communication Learn to manage yourself when the conversation gets difficult
WHAT IS REMARKABLE FEEDBACK? In the moment….or close to
Fact based
Candid yet kind
Helpful
Performance enhancing
Respectful
Unbias
Not personal
Open to their side
TYPES OF FEEDBACK Constructive feedback – positive
Constructive feedback - negative
•
Information specific, issue focused, and based on observation
•
Information specific, issue focused, and based on observation
•
About an effort well done
•
•
Objective, specific and non-judgmental
News about an effort that needs improvement
•
It is not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so it encourages discussion.
•
Not accusing – focused on outcomes
•
Objective, specific and non-judgmental
Praise
Criticism
•
This is a personal judgment, a favourable judgment
•
This is a personal judgment, an unfavourable judgment
•
General and vague
•
General and vague
•
Doesn’t encourage discussion so it can come across as hollow, insincere or lacking in substance
•
Without specifics it can lead to a battle over whose perception is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’
•
Focused on the person
•
Focused on the person
•
Based on opinions and feelings
•
Based on opinions and feelings
REMARKABLE LEADERS EXCEL IN COMMUNICATION
Remarkable Leadership
“
The key to real change is not just to build a great process – it’s for people to hold each other accountable to use the process and that requires crucial conversations”
Ron McMillan
GREAT LEADERS ‘NIP THEM IN THE BUD’
Incidents
Cost to the Business
BushFire
SpotFire Time
If you do nothing…
It is likely the behaviour or
Only remarkable
nothing will change
action will repeat or accelerate
conversations will influence
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING
“
In any relationship, it’s important to be a good listener as well as a good communicator. Open, honest communication is the best foundation for any relationship, but remember it’s not what you say or what you do but how you make people feel that matters most. As the company grows, communication becomes more and more important.. Communication is one of the weakest spots in any organisation, no matter how good the communication is.
Tony Hsieh CEO Zappos
WHAT ARE ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS?
Impact is significant
Emotions are triggered There is disagreement
People who routinely have these conversations, and have them well, are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry or running to their cave.
WHY DO WE AVOID/HAVE THEM POORLY?
Might ruin the relationship It’s not my
Lack of
job/team
confidence
member
Too
Unsure of
confrontational
the facts
No point …
Don’t have
nothing
time
will change Not sure how to approach
POOR COMMUNICATION COSTS ENGAGEMENT
RESULT
PROFIT
Devoted
Effortless
+100
Dedicated
Discretionary
+50
Committed
Compliance
+10
Tolerant
Non-committal
-10
Withdrawn
Pollution
-50
Disregard
Sabotage
-100
Ignoring the real cost of ineffective
Communication is like
communication is corporate suicide.
money…. You can never
But you don’t know it until it’s too late.
have enough!
THE BOTTOM LINE IS….
Joseph Grenny
WHAT ARE THE FACTS?
Luke is a Developer and has been on
Luke does not appear to be taking the
your team for just over a year. He is
feedback on board and you have been
based in NZ and you are in Melbourne.
having the same conversation for over 6
As the Team Leader you regularly catch
months now (your notes are on the
up with Luke to check on how things
database). This is becoming quite
are going and what he may need help
frustrating. The team in NZ have made
with. His skills when he joined were not
comments that the quality of work is not
as strong as others on the team,
great and are frustrated working with him.
however with training and coaching
They are not prepared to pass on this
along the way you felt confident he
feedback to him and have asked you as
would get there as he is a smart guy.
his manager to do something about it quickly. You need to have the conversation with Luke.
SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT Thoughts Beliefs
Facts
Speculate
Story
Conversation
Opinions Values
When we speculate on the facts and then
“Our personal earthquake of
present our story, not the facts, the outcome
assumptions become our own natural
is damaging – for us and for them.
disaster that shape our relationships”
THE ICEBERG SYNDROME
“
Never judge a man’s actions until you know his motives”.
Words and Behaviours
Thoughts and Feelings Values and Beliefs Driving needs
SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT Her Diary Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said ‘Nothing’. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way, home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour, I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you too’. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He feel asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary Motorcyle won’t start. Can’t figure out why.
SEPARATE YOUR STORY FROM THE FACTS
Step
Step
Step
01
02
03
Reflect on your future conversation
Separate the facts from the story
In groups of 3 discuss, what story have you been telling yourself? Were you leading with facts or opinion?
DISCOVER THE REAL TRUTH Do you have
Conversations
or Yoursations?
You Conversation
Them
A good conversation is like a tennis rally – back and forth, back and forth.
PREPARATION PRESERVES RELATIONSHIP 1.
State the issue (the purpose)
2.
Provide some examples (high level only)
3.
Share you opinion/feelings about this
4.
Clarify what is at stake
5.
Identify your contribution to the problem
6.
Indicate your intent to resolve (do not problem solve)
7.
Ask them for their thoughts/perspective
“
A lot of hard work has to go into your career, and preparation, and being your best at all times. Leven Rabin
LET’S GIVE IT A GO In pairs Prepare for the future conversation (separate the story) Lead – Practice your 1-2 minute start Participant – Give feedback 10 mins in total Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!
GOTTA AGREE ON THE PURPOSE
Your topic
My topic
Mutual Purpose
Not agreeing on the purpose of the conversation is like playing darts with a blindfold on. It’s pointless and often dangerous.
RESPECT OR BUST
0 -50
Much work to do before you ask for anything
100 Ask for anything
Respect is like air. You don’t notice it day to day but as soon as it’s gone it’s all you can think about.
RESPECT OR BUST
“
If you want to be a great leader, remember to treat all people with respect at all times. For one, because you never know you’ll need their help. And two, because it’s a sign you respect people, which all great leaders do.
Simon Sinek Author of ‘Leadership Expert’
FIGHTERS
Fighters tend to
Controlling Labelling Attacking Intimidating
FLIGHTERS
Flighters tend to avoid
Withdrawing
Issues
Avoiding
Content
Masking
People
TECHNIQUES TO RESTORE SAFETY 01
Apologise, when appropriate
02
Use do/don’t statements
03
Agree on a mutual purpose
04
Ask what is going on
05
Paraphrase to acknowledge their story
06
Make silence your friend
07
Validate their feelings
APOLOGIES MATTER
Apology
TRUST
Other Person
An apology is the super glue of conversations. It can repair just about anything.
LET’S GIVE IT A GO In the same pair Use the conversations you prepared earlier Lead – prepare and practice the techniques to restore safety Participant – decide on fight or flight mode and do it 10 mins in total Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!
BUT HOW DO I SELF MANAGE? Positive self talk (good wolf, bad wolf)
Breath
Go back to your notes
Listen… really. Avoid interrupting
Ask for time
The only person you can control is a conversation…. is YOU!
Take ownership
Ignore the story/speculation
Be aware of your triggers
THE POWER OF COACHING Coaching allows your people to reach their fullest potential + Leading them become effortless POINTERS
Ask don’t tell
Coaching gives you time
Give up your strong relationship to control
Allow your ego to move to the side
LET’S DO IT! In pairs
Lead – Decide on the questions you will use
Participant – Decide on a problem/situation you would like to work through
15 mins in total
Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!
BOARD OF DIRECTORS IN OUR HEAD 01
Blamer
06
Always right
02
All about Me’er
07
Powerless
03
B&W Thinker
08
Perfectionist
04
Negative Thinker
09
Labeller
05
Catastrophiser/Minimiser
10
Entitler
LEAD YOURSELF OUT OF THE BOD TRAP?
Learn to recognise the thinking Go back to the facts Feed the Good Wolf Look for the gift in the lesson Shift the onus to yourself Build gratitude
Seek advice
THE RIGHT PLACE, AT THE RIGHT TIME
Timing
Method
Location
METHOD
OUTCOME
Face to face
Ideal outcome
Face to face (tech)
Near 100%
Phone
Highly likely
Highly unlikely
Text/message
Dangerous
Snapchat/ FB
Epic Fail
Ideal outcome
KEY TAKEAWAYS Learn to Look and STOP the
Shut the hell up!
discussion until safety is restored
The ‘real truth’ is your facts…
Don’t believe everything you think
AND theirs
– the BOD’s might be in control
‘Nipping it in the bud’ maintains
Beware of the Iceberg syndrome
relationships and productivity
and that you don’t apply it
Be conscious of Conversations
If you don’t practice then
not Yoursations
NOTHING will change
Present facts first always, don’t lead with opinion
When all else fails…. Breath!
DELIBERATE PRACTICE MAKES EXPERT You won’t become an expert by observation. If you don’t practice – you won’t improve. The end.
WHAT’S YOUR START, STOP AND CONTINUE?
STOP
CONTINUE
Workbook
START
THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK What stops us from receiving feedback graciously Truth triggers Relationship triggers Identify triggers Delivery trigger
What we can do in the moment
Find the ‘gold’
Be the example
Beware of your iceberg
SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS Optiver focus groups tell us; “Outside of trading, priorities are often unclear and need direction” “Blind sided by projects with no clear goals and poor ticketing” “Not enough feedback or communication from TL on my work” “1:1s are too task focused with longer term goals”
Need to start setting clear goals;
When
What
How
Measurement
BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONS Improve the quality of conversations
Improves the quality of your relationships
Improves the quality of outcomes
Leads to Brilliant Leadership
GET OUT THERE AND BECOME REMARKABLE! Talk to Georgia Murch
0402 252 791 georgia@canwetalk.net.au www.canwetalk.net