Kyle’s Rant

LAST week I found myself in one of my worst nightmare scenarios, waiting outside a shop near the food court at Wendouree Shopping Centre.

I was waiting for Her Indoors to select, pay for and pick up some clothing. These turnouts happen a couple of times of year and regularly end with “there was nothing I really wanted in there”.

What is this woman shopper instinct that goes from the 'oh this looks good' to 'I don’t really like it?' If I decide an article of clothing looks good on me or even if it has half a chance of fitting, I am in. As long as I cover up the top and the bottom halves of my awkwardly shaped body with something, I feel like a fashionista. I mean what sort of God does that sort of cruelty to a man, providing him with wide shoulders, a large head and a potbelly on top being supported by a tiny bum and stick legs.

Another shopping episode with my sister in Ikea resulted in a trolley load of stuff for the house and just before the tills she parked her trolley up and instructed me to do the same. I just don’t get what had changed between the entrance of the shop and the Swiss meatball stand which we went on to enjoy for lunch.

But back to my nightmare scenario at Wendouree. I was parked outside this shop in full view of the great unwashed in the middle of a feeding session - I think they call it lunchtime.

The seated people’s mouths were full like cement mixers yelling at each other over the throng of voices in an effort to be better heard. The others were walking around stuffing their faces with burgers, souvlakis and chicken wings ripping, gnawing and tearing while walking around the food hall hunting for more as if it was their last meal.

The sauces that flew around with the contents of their gobs were mostly ingested with the remainder being sprayed out, and Donna came back from her fruitless shop to a white as a ghost, broken man.

This probably isn’t how it really went, it is just the way I saw it. After all I don’t get out much beyond our local pubs and I am not one for humanity en masse. It was probably just a food hall full of people eating and having fun with me getting a people and sensory overload.

But I have to ask, when did it become okay to walk while eating? The closest I have come is when I have been famished and just popped a tiny morsel into my mouth while walking. And yes, I can walk and chew at the same time.

The great unwashed seem to be tearing into their food while walking. It is such a vulgar display, even a jungle animal drags its food away so it can eat in peace in the one spot.

And then there is this constant need for hydration by humans. The coffee cups, water bottles and clear plastic cup containers with a bubble top and a straw/spoon thing that house a creamy dessert-type drink. The masses drag these around in the shopping centres like trophies, slurping and gulping every few metres, like their lives depend on it.

People, not a fan rant over…