An Open Letter to Those Who Have Received a Negative Decision from a Marriage Tribunal

The below letter is modified from an actual email sent to a woman who received a negative decision when she petitioned a tribunal in another diocese for a declaration of invalidity (an “annulment”) of her marriage. It is reprinted here in the hopes of providing healing and hope to others in a similar situation.

Dear Disappointed,

In response to your recent email, let me begin by providing you with a little background. Before coming to the Diocese of Winona-Rochester, I spent 20 years working in various capacities for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis Marriage Tribunal. I served mostly as the Defender of the Bond in Second Instance (the court for appeals) for the province that includes the 10 dioceses of Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota. So I have many years of experience walking with people seeking the ministry of a marriage tribunal; I also have familiarity with the workings of not one, but 10 different tribunals.

First of all, I am sorry to hear your experience with the nullity process was not a positive one. But without knowing the details of your case or the particular tribunal with which you worked, there is only so much I can say. I can tell you the annulment process is supposed to be not only a medium for clarifying one’s status in the Church, but also an opportunity for healing. I can tell you that, even though the final outcome was not what you were hoping for, as a person of faith you should find comfort in knowing how seriously the Church takes the sacrament of marriage. I can assure you that monetary donations have no bearing whatsoever on whether or not one receives a declaration of nullity of a prior marriage (and this is why most tribunals in the United States have even waived administrative fees - because they could give the appearance of “selling” a declaration of nullity).

I can also tell you the Church is human and mistakes can be made. Perhaps you didn’t have an advocate working on your behalf? Perhaps the court personnel didn’t instruct the case as thoroughly as they might have? Perhaps you were not told you could appeal the negative decision? Perhaps it was not suggested to you that you try again and have the marriage examined on different grounds? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But I do encourage you to reach out to your tribunal, to ask for an advocate, and to try to get answers that will bring you more healing and peace.

The other reality is that perhaps yours was a valid marriage that failed. I cannot imagine how painful the circumstances that led to separation from your spouse must been been; however, the breakdown of a marriage union is never in itself proof of invalidity. As I am sure the court told you, what matters is what happened at the time of consent. Once married, it sometimes happens that parties neglect the means, both natural and supernatural, at their disposal to work through difficulties (e.g., marriage counseling); or they fail to accept the inevitable limitations and burdens of married life (e.g., conflicting communication preferences); or there are failures on the part of one or both parties of a moral order (e.g., adultery). Sometimes the actions of one party are completely out of the control of the other party. But if there was nothing at the time of the wedding that would have prevented either party from giving valid consent, and the marriage failed only because of choices made later in the marriage, that is, unfortunately, the “bad” in the “in good times and bad” part of the vows.

In my experience, it is always difficult for a Court to render a negative decision in a sympathetic case, but it must be remembered that it is the duty of the Court to render a true decision in light of the evidence presented, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Addressing the Roman Rota (the highest appeals court in the Church), Pope Saint John Paul II said: “It is also a service of charity towards the parties themselves out of love of the truth if it is necessary to deny the declaration of nullity. In this way they are at least helped to avoid deceiving themselves as to the true causes of the failure of their marriage.” Likewise the people of God “also have the right not to be deceived by a judgment of nullity which is in conflict with the existence of a true marriage. Such an unjust declaration of nullity would find no legitimate support in appealing to love or mercy. Love and mercy cannot put aside the demands of truth. A valid marriage, even one marked by serious difficulties, could not be considered invalid without doing violence to the truth and undermining thereby the only solid foundation which can support personal, marital, and social life.”

A negative decision, whether it is justified or not, does not mean the Church is turning you away, however, and again I am sorry if this is the way you are experiencing it. The Church is sorry for your pain. The Church is sorry for the continued suffering this causes you and will continue to cause you, whether you experience it that way or not. You are correct in stating the Church needs “to love and support [people] through their most difficult seasons.” Many dioceses have programs dedicated to walking with the divorced on the road to healing. [Here in the Diocese of Winona-Rochester, check out the resources for divorce ministry on the Life, Marriage, and Family page of the diocesan website.]

You end your email stating, “Telling somebody who is a Catholic that they can no longer receive communion or be married in the Catholic Church is hurtful.” I would respectfully disagree. It is hard to hear, yes. It may cause you to feel hurt, yes. But the Church is not trying to be hurtful. The truth is one cannot remarry in the Church and receive communion because in the eyes of the Church you would be living in a state of mortal sin - committing adultery with the person with whom you attempt to enter a second marriage while still in a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church. Yes, we are all sinners. And, yes, “People of all walks of life sin and are still allowed to receive communion.” If they are repentant. That is why we have the sacrament of confession. But no one who is in a state of mortal sin and unrepentant should be receiving communion. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. But spoken in love it can be for our benefit. I know that telling you that suffering can bring us closer to Christ will do little to ease your pain and disappointment at this point. I can only pray for your healing. And encourage you not to give up, to continue to pray for the guidance and wisdom you seek, and for the courage to accept the truth. I sincerely hope this email can be of some comfort to you, even if just a bit, and not a new source of frustration. I encourage you to continue to attend Mass and participate in the sacraments and seek healing in the arms of Mother Church.

Be at peace.

Michelle Gerlach is Chancellor for the Diocese of Winona-Rochester