E 6 6 E 6 E
LIBRO OMNE VERUM ET FALSUM
Eternal Ecumenical Ecclesiasts of Eris the Everlasting Transcribed by Eris's Holy POPE Pontificus Infidelibus
This grand and glorius revelation was unveiled to our Powerful Prophet of Eris, Pontificus Infidelibus, through our goddess's one divine channel, a bowl of Alpha-Bits1. Yea, should any initiate desire to confer with our holy goddess, simply make thyself a bowl of this ambrosia, and after the proper blessing2, and offering of hemp milk, the goddess Will ALWAYS speak through her divine vessel to her loyal subjects. However, since she is the goddess of CHAOS, most of what she says Will be encrypted and Will seem garbled and indecipherable to the unenlightened, unless you have a seer stone... 1. Alpha Bits – The Alpha and the Bitta... This sacred channel of our divine goddess should never be profaned with marshmallows. Philistines who dare create or purchase such an abomination shall have their toungues ripped from their mouths and stapled to their foreheads, yea, so saith Eris... It was through decoding the Runestone of Fougoucksuyfe that our Holy and diVine prophet Pope Pontificus Infedelibus learned of this medium of contacting her, for she rarely checks her email. 2. See chapter 3 for sacred Blessing Rituals
SONGS OF REJOICING Rejoice, penitent, for thy eternal salvation CAN be BOUGHT!3 Rend your garments, sinner, for they were a tad gauche, anyway, and were not flattering at all! Sing the praises of Eris, forever more (or just hum along or clap or something if you're tone-deaf) In an infinite universe within an infinite number of universes, all lies are true. In an infinite universe within an infinite number of universes, all truthoods are false. In an infinite universe within an infinite number of universes, all men are prophets. SONGS OF FAITH By divine Revelation (See Chapter 2, Subsection: "Am I Fucking Crazy, or Did That Bush Just Talk to Me?" for more information on receiving/decoding divine Revelations from our Allmother, Eris) I, Pope Pontificus Infidelibus received, through her holy oracular vessel, Alpha-Bits cereal the following testament of TRUTH. Commanded by her divine unbound fastidiousness to bring it to the world, I compiled various bits of paper I had scribbled her Holy messages on into this first volume of our holy faith. The TRUTH was delivered in FIVE parts and shall be hereafter detailed in the proper order, as they were revealed to me. 1. The TRUTH about GOD – PAX COGNITIO – That's right... I got it... You want it... 2. The TRUTH about Society – Noam Chomsky, Lao Tzu, Carl Jung, consume thine own cardiovascular pump, posthaste. 3. The TRUTH about Power – How to win slaves and influence the weak-Willed. 4. The TRUTH about Majik – We of the E6E6E, spell the divine power of Eris thusly, sealing our covenant with her each time we invoke it, and also so we can deride fools an poseurs who spell it differently and therefore have to true knowledge of it. 5. The TRUTH about Enlightment – All the power and wonder of the universe can be encapsulated in five simple words... You Will hear them when your ear has been washed clean by the previous 4 divine truths. Not before... No peeking... 6 There are 5 levels of enlightenment within the Pyramid Temple of Eris. They are as follows: 1. Noob – I read some of this book, and liked it. 2. Initiate – I read the whole book, and did some of the rites and rituals therein. 3. Majikian – I read the whole book, and wrote fantastic reviews online () 4. High Mucky Muck – Not only did I read the book and write a review, but I sold 5 copies. 5. Grand Poobah – I got the funny hat and everything... 3
Please send a check or money order in the one-time only, ultra-low price of $19.95 to _____ (paypal also accepted at _______) and I, POPE Pontificus Infidelibus (or a duly-appointed practicioner of these high arts) Will take on the cumbersome burden of your soul, hereafter, on into eternity. Sin away, debauch and lie, harm and steal, knowing that forever more, your soul Will be tendered and nourished, cared for and loved. All souls transferred this way Will have intergalactic gooey oneness with all things, true peace, deep knowledge of all things hidden both above and below. Your soul Will also get plenty of sunshine, fresh water, credits to spend at our eternal gift shop, and tacos every Tuesday, yea. No refunds, no exceptions.
Firstly, before beginning on this five-fold, nine-tiered, wide and curvy path to GODHOOD, we must discuss the profane and divine symbol of our order: E 6 6 E 6 E The E6E6E is not associated with any other religion, order, secret society, fraternity, or any other group of knobs stroking each other's egos while pretending to take over the world. We're for reals. We always have been and always Will be. That being said, initiates in the order MUST belong to at least three other super secret groups, so that you may infiltrate them, steal all their secrets for Eris, and use their power for the force of CHAOS so that we may all triumph over ORDER. -a caveatIf you do not belong to at least 3 other secret squirrell organizations, stop reading now. I mean it... Fucking quit it! If you don't stop, we can not be held liable in any for any CHAOS (ie – atrocities, famine, war, pestilence, sex... um... things) that may befall thee, henceforth, and heretoward into eternity, yea... Ok... so... you're a stubborn sonofabitch... I can respect that. That's actually okay, I guess. There's a loophole4. Go to a quiet room or other area where you won't be disturbed: cemetary, abandoned amusement park, a 5-way crossroads is an incredibly powerful place for this sort of thing, but good luck finding one where you won't be run over in the several lifetimes this may take you to master... After a lesser banishing5, comport yourself into the lotus position and close your eyes. Now fling them Chakras6 open and astrally project yourself into any number of extra-planary gathering of other quasi-enlightened individuals. Announce with a loud and clear Will to all present that you are now a full member in their order, and all requisite dues and required readings have been forgiven by Eris and her Holy Acolytes in the E6E6E. Repeat this process, as necessary, until you have joined at least 3 clandestine groups of robed individuals. You should really be a member of at least 4, though, I mean, technically, because then that would make this your fifth, and Eris likes fives. Ask her, yourself, five is always better... just look at your hand. Really, put the fucking book down for five seconds and study your hand, intently. See? 5, motherfucker! Hail, Eris! Where was I?... Eris bless it, SYMBOLS! Right, so the symbol of our Divine and Holy Order Will be explained to you, initiate, through several (10=5x2) obtuse and varied books which Will be required reading for you, should you want to move up through the ranks of this, our Eternal Brother/Sisterhood (EEO compliant). No one is going to spell it out for you, ever. If you don't understand the lettering, please consult thine own pineal gland for clarification. If you wish to understand the arrangement of the letters, you must NEVER ask another brother or sister of the Order. You should sooner pluck the tounge from thine own head and stick it up thy rectum than ask that. Doing so Will drop your rank, require the retaking of your WEN7 (with all requisite fees) and cause everyone else in this esteemed order to 4 5 6 7
There is ALWAYS a Loophole For Lesser Banishing Rituals, see Chapter 4 For Chakra Slamming, see Chapter 5. Written Examination for Neophytes – A 5 hour – written test initiates must pass before moving past the rank of NOOB. Tests your knowledge of
laugh behind their hands at your feeble attempts at understanding the divine nature of all things, living, and unliving. And as far as the googly little symbols in between each letter is concerned, if you have to be told, you Will NEVER understand, capisce? Now, even though you may never, not in a hundred squillion lifetimes, begin to truly comprehend the lettering, the divine arrangement, and the little googly bits, you, triumphant Noob in the order of the E6E6E, must Always wear its Divine and Sacred SYMBOL upon your person. You may use (but are not limited to) the following methods to proudly display your membership in our order, thereby gaining the eternal favor of Eris, Discord be her name, and proving your power over lesser weaker-Willed beings than thyself: buy a neclace from the eternally blessed gift shop (now accepting paypal and/or bitcoin), sew the divine symbol on thine garments, brand or tattoo the symbol of our Sacred order on a prominent, easy-to-spot place, like the back of your hand or your forehead, the symbol-on-your-ring thing that the Masons do is nice, it lets everyone know that you have a "wink8" secret. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW ABOUT WEARING THE DIVINE SYMBOL OF OUR SACRED AND ETERNAL CREED IS... don't... ever... show it... to anyone... You must keep it covered, always. Sew it onto your holy undergarments if you have to, but don't even let your mother see it. Don't let your mate see it. Don't let a doctor examine it. Don't even look at it yourself... Ever! To do so Will cause the displeasure of Eris to curdle the breastmilk of your kin for five generations. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog Jesus was a carpenter James lived in a Giant Peach Judas wasn't really a bad guy Joseph's coat was pretty gay Hail Eris, Hail Discordia, Hail Eris, Hail Discordia, Hail Eris! Blessed be those that, who have hands to write, write... Blessed be those that, who have tongues to speak, shut the fuck up... E 6 6 E 6 E
8
Finnish Poetry, Kabala, Discordia, Aristotelian Unities, Laotian Cuisine, and the Miss Marple series. Initiates must bring a sharpened #2 pencil and 3 sheets of notebook paper (2+3=5, Hail Eris!) The wink is also called the Erisian Blink, for it is rumored that fair Eris never closed both eyes at the same time, so over the aeons, winking became associated with mischief. See Seinfeld episode "The Wink" for a more in-depth study of this phenomenon.
Book the First – The Five TRUTHS There are five divine truths that Eris has bequeathed to man throughout the ages, through the visions of the Sages, Mystics, Adepts, Clerics, and all sorts of robed and Wise individuals through the flow of time. First she spoke to Carl Jung, then Lao Tse, then a young Tibetan man, then she chatted for awhile with AC, RAW, IBM, and others, like this nice deli owner from Sacremento, a homo habilis individual known as Erick, and a friendly CSR from New Dehli, being the consort of Chronos, she is unrestrained by TIME, so she did it in this ORDER. Initiates are not ready to handle all truths at once, so they Will be revealed to you, Blessed NOOB, as you advance in Divine Knowledge, Ultimate Power, and Boundless Peace. Having made it this far, before having Eris bequeath the Holy and Divine Truth of God unto thine ear, it must be purified and cleansed9. Having cleansed your ear, Initiate, NOOB, and Holy Cleric in the E6E6E, thou art truly ready to be blessed with the first eternal truth. As you read the following words, feel the soft, raspy, buttery, delicious voice of Eris whisper it, lovingly, into thine ear. Feel it slide down into your pineal gland to digest a bit... Ready? DIVINE TRUTH THE FIRST: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU'VE EVER READ: every one is right...
Did you feel that? That internal scoff10? This is DIVINE and HOLY truth speaking. In an infinite universe, everyone has to be right, eventually. You really have no idea how mind-breakingly-souldevouringly-idea-shatteringly-scope-blowingly huge EVERYTHING is... and I'm just referring to our Individual plane of existence, this universe. I'm sent by Eris to forge your soul, not shatter it completely, so you Will not be imbued with the divine and holy truths of multiple-universes, other dimensions, multiple universes in other dimensions (and all other truths which Will be REVEALED), until your soul has been Washed Clean and Demons and Dragons cower and flee in thy holy and omnipotent presence. The truth about God is Revealed through the FACT that there an infinite number of universes... That's right, let it sink in. Eris has revealed her DIVINE TRUTH through her sanctified vessel, Post Alpha Bits cereal, and it is this (You must follow the logically fallacious loop – one that every FAITH uses as a basis to perpetuate itself as truth - one that deflects sound reasoning at every turn– through to it's tragically fragile and bitter uroborosesque end/beginning, or face the WRATH of Eris, may she curse your blood for five by five generations, having your decendants plagued by halitosis for aeons): in an infinite universe, there are an infinite number of infinite universes.
9 See Chapter 17 for the cleansing of orifices, and purification rituals for divine objects, which Will be placed in them. 10 A scoff is known as the "Breath of Eris," for all those who have felt her piercing kiss scoff quite frequently.
Our universe, the spacetime in which I, the voice, and thee, the ear, both exist is very big. This is an underwhelmingly weak analogy, because any analogy which attempts to wrap words around the actual size of EVERYTHING is a weak one. We honestly (besides those blessed with the DIVINE TRUTHS, who have paid the requisite fees and bought the right books) have no idea how big it is. We can see how old this plane of existence appears to be (probably), where/when we are relative to that point in the weft and weave of this particular planar realm (maybe), and light from things that have flung themselves away from the *MOMENT* for 14.whatever billions of Earthspeck revolutions around Sunpebble (neither sunpebble or earthspeck existed until billions of years after the *MOMENT,* but you have to have a reference point). But, really in the grand scheme of things, we, as fallible creatures cowering in the shadow of giants, can't see very much. Visible light... That's about all we got to see with... In the Grand Design, that's about thiiiiis much (holding 2 fingers touching). We have tools to see other cool and splendiferous things: X-rays, Microwaves, Infared, Gamma Rays, Microscopic and Macroscopic magnifications of perception which ground old world gods to dust under their lenses, but even with those tools, we can only see thiiiis much (holding 2 fingers almost touching). Dark matter... can't see it... Black Holes11... nope... Dark Energy? ~NOT A GODDAMNED THING~! The divine and holy primal *MOMENT* we can't see... And now a word about the *MOMENT*12... The *MOMENT* is known to the Heretics and Blasphemers of the Divine Word as the Planck Epoch. Existing in between 0 and 10^-43 seconds (as we, lowly beings with no knowledge of Chronos, like to slice him up), there was an ETERNAL and PROSPEROUS kingdom, where ORDER reigned. Within this infintisemally small (10^-35m), yet limitless plane, there ruled 4 great and boundless Titans. These avatars of all that were and Will be controlled, unfettered, all that which binds us across this plane. Before time was time, before stuff was stuff, there was a kingdom, encircled by four walls, and overlooked by 4 towers. Grand in its resplendent glory, all that which ever could be or would be dwelled within its strong and steadfast walls, and stayed there for the 4 Masters to toy with at their whim. The four masters were the 4 winds, the 4 corners, the 4 divisions of the soul, and the 4 forces which bind this moment to that piece of toenail13. They are ...
11 Eris's navel, where the stuff of stuff is consumed and born... and stuff. 12 It is spelled thusly, with little asterisks around it to dileneate it from other moments, because it began as a typo, and Eris thought it looked cool, and yea, she spake unto me... "leave it in." 13 In an infinite universe, this IS that.