To more 10 hours of sleep

A few hours passed as I was catching up on school works. My mom texted.

Hello! Kek, ano update sa competition?

What do you feel? What do you think? How did you answer? Was it good?

I told her I thought I did okay- that I was able to finish my article on time. It’s just that I thought it wasn’t a winning piece.

I knew she would be supportive of me, nevertheless. However, hearing from her that it was okay because I tried and did my best, my heart still shook. And she said all we could do was hope. But I was way past hope.

I felt so defeated already.

Hearing her encouraging words, I couldn’t contain my feelings. I cried in my room for 30 minutes straight until I decided to, finally, call a friend. I cried for 30 more minutes. I told her everything- everything being fear.

I was so scared that everything I had worked for would come to nothing. I was so scared my father was right for the first time- that this wasn’t worth it. I was scared that everything was just everything with no value. Just a surface with no scratch. Just sands of time with no footsteps. Just an entity living off of borrowed time and force to keep moving forward.

I felt better by midnight. Still, I knew the fear would return, crawling from my fingertips to where my hope stayed short and small.

The Division Press Conference Awarding March 04, 2023.

It was my birthday. The night before, I celebrated it with family, neighbors, and friends. It was weeks of preparation and shortcomings because of tight schedules.

From morning until afternoon, I was awake preparing. In the middle of it all, I had to work on the QCSEG presentation for Tagisan ng Talino. The celebration was held on from the evening until way past midnight.

I slept at 4 am and woke up at 5 am. I packed myself some brownies and water. I took some money to commute to school. Then, the day began- but this time, I made it on time.

The night before, during my birthday celebration, the fear was already crawling slowly back to me. March 4 could either gift me another unfortunate event or a reason to tell my mother I made it.

Other than the QCSEG activities, the only other activity I did was sleep. Other than the fear I was feeling as I listened and waited until the winners for Feature Writing were announced, there was no feeling at all.

My eyes were shaking from no sleep- but they managed to stop so my ears could hear everything right.

And there I was, sitting down with back straight, eyes shot open, and ears still unprepared for the results.

“I hope you enjoy my gift for you, Cheska,” said sir Gelo.

I would be lying if I said that didn’t heighten my hope by an inch. In my head, I was chanting “please” continuously. I was chanting every form of doubt and every form of hope.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Plea- “Francesca Alexis Amor G. Luya.”

I shot up, and my mind went blank.

I walked to the stage and the 10th place position. I felt my eyes water. But I had to hold itno, not here. That would’ve been embarrassing.

I was struggling to breathe. I was struggling to smile because one more fold by the ends of my eyes, the tears would ricochet. I was struggling because I had made it. I made it.

I felt everything. I took it all in. I stayed silent and stiff for three whole minutes, absorbing every second of it.

As I walked down the stairs, the court, and back to my seat, I pretended dust got into my eyes. And as I sat back down, I opened my phone at 3%. I told my mom I made it.

On the 4th of March, I told my mom I made it.

Further Reflection

This experience taught me the importance of perseverance and hard work. It also taught me that sometimes, it’s okay to ask for help and support from others, as they can provide encouragement and motivation to push through difficult times. In addition, this experience also taught me the value of taking risks and stepping out of my comfort zone, as it can lead to unexpected opportunities and personal growth.

Overall, this experience has been a defining moment in my life and one that I will always look back on with gratitude and appreciation. It has instilled in me a strong sense of resilience and determination, which I will carry with me in all aspects of my life. I’ve come to realize that success is not just about achieving one’s goals, but also about overcoming obstacles and persevering through challenges along the way.

As I reflect on this experience, I am reminded of a quote by Nelson Mandela: “I never lose. I either win or learn.” This quote resonates with me deeply, as it encapsulates the mindset that I have developed as a result of this experience. I no longer see setbacks or failures as reasons to give up but as opportunities to learn and grow.

On the 25th of February, I fell apart. I felt as if I had already lost without an announcement. Reflecting on my experience on March 4, I now realize that winning wasn’t the only important aspect of the competition. It was also about learning and growth, regardless of the outcome. Even if I had lost, I would have gained valuable insights and experience.

I also learned that I should be caring for myself and not overly pressured. I should not put myself on a pedestal because that will just be a ride full of fear.

One of the key things I learned was the importance of self-care and not putting undue pressure on myself. I used to believe that putting myself on a pedestal and striving for perfection was the way to succeed. However, I now understand that this approach is unsustainable and can lead to fear and anxiety.

Above all, I discovered that failure and falling behind are not things to fear. Rather, they are opportunities to learn and improve. Instead of comparing myself to others, I will focus on being the best version of myself and taking care of my own well-being.

After all, falling behind is just an opportunity to catch up, and failure is just a chance to learn and improve.

I used to think that winning was everything, and that success was measured only by the number of victories. But now I see that it’s not just about the outcome- but also the journey. The lessons learned along the way are just as important, if not more so, than the destination itself.