Aphantasia

… DARKNESS. Nothing but darkness, no matter where I glanced. I was submerged into the depths of the unknown, unable to see a thing. This isn’t the first time this had happened. I’m well acquainted with this abyss. There was something in the distance. I couldn’t quite make out what it was. The smoke was too dense to see through. But it looked like… a figure? Two of them? Twenty?

A light suddenly flickered above me. I was standing on a stage. In an instant, I saw what I was staring at. Crowds of people caught my gaze as they clapped and cheered me on. I looked at my hand.

I didn’t notice I was holding something. A rolled up sheet of paper. Could this be…?

I unwrapped the sacred scroll. It was indeed what I had expected.

I don’t know why, but I suddenly started crying. There was this wave of relief, like I had actually done something worthwhile. And, everyone was here! Here for me! For what I did! It felt like… I had everything I ever wanted—

Beep! Beep! Beep!

…Huh?

The cheering stopped. I looked back up, but there was nothing to catch my gaze.

The world began to crumble as everything faded to black. The beeping kept creeping up and slithering away, engraving its sets of five deep into my skull.

Stop, please! Not now!

I don’t want to…

I opened my eyes. I’m greeted with the sound of beeping to my right, coated with the soft whirring of a ceiling fan. Right… There's school today.

I trudged my way into the classroom. I’m not sure why I bothered to go. There’s nothing exciting about slumping in a chair for eight hours, zoning out to a fig- ure dispensing white noise. What is he even talking about? Why am I learning this? Why are any of us learning this? No one is going to remember this information in three months! It’s all just a waste of time. When are they going to teach me something that’ll actually help me in my life? Something interesting. Something worthwhile. Something that I’m actually passionate about.

Wait, what was I doing again? I snapped back to reality.

Oh… it’s a health break. How long was I out for?

In a daze, I glanced around the room, piecing together what the others were up to.

To my left, I see a girl buried in some textbook, walled off by piles of notebooks and folders. Is there a quiz later, or is she doing this for fun? Do people even study for fun?

To my right, I see a group of boys talking about some basketball game that happened last night. They’re part of the varsity team, right? Getting paid to do something you love… What a dream.

And then, I look at myself. Alone, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. How do all of these people just… know what to do? They all have these elaborate plans for the future, like they have everything all figured out.

What about me? Why don’t I have any dreams? When am I going to figure out what to do with my life? All I do at home is to sleep and play games. I got Silver 1 in Valorant a couple nights ago. Can I get paid for that?

I stared at my hand. Not like I have anything better to do.

This hand has barely changed in the decade and a half I’ve been alive. It’s bland. Static. Unremarkable. Dragged around like a puppet, forced to follow orders. Just like me…

I’ve been flowing through life without a second thought, listening to others just so I have something to do. But truthfully, nothing really interests me. Every week is just a different checklist of useless activities that I forget about seconds after completion. How do you get inspired in an environment like this? Why am I the only one struggling to get my life together?

And then there was Stanley Forbes, his character being that journalist who you probably wouldn't be able to call one when you read it. You’d be utterly amazed by how he would label a person of color “monster” but then label a white murderer of 5 a “lovesick young man”.

You wouldn't be able to blame the citizens for being so certain about Sal Singh being the culprit because every article you’ll probably see would have no terms such as “allegedly” despite his case not having a guilty conviction, not having any trial and not having any chance to defend himself.

Sal’s family couldn’t even grieve for him openly because if they did, they said it would make them some kind of a monster, grieving for a “murderer”.

Pip being Pip, decided to solve a 5-year closed case for a project. Pip was not heard by people and authorities at first, so she yelled. And when she yelled, it was not empty screeches.

They questioned her. So she answered.

And don’t get it wrong, she didn’t get Sherlock Holmes’ or Detective Conan’s deduction skills, she was a student with indestructible determination to achieve something she put her heart on. Getting me the idea that I could achieve things I dream with the right timing, immovable principles, and a strong heart.

The question is can you get away with murder?

Living in a sick society full of people who think they know everything by what they hear? With people whose beliefs are blinded by the color of another’s skin? With people who think less of women, thinking the only thing that makes them valuable is their physical appearance? With people who would believe the oppressor rather than the oppressed? In a society where people can get away with anything because of their status?

Then, yes. You can get away with murder.

At least, I have my hands. They’ve always been loyal to me.

I snapped back to reality. But, when I looked up, the room was completely empty. The students in the chairs, the writings on the board, the ambience from the hallways, all vanished without a trace. As if the entire day had passed without me knowing.

What time is it…? I’ve never zoned out this badly before…

The room looks so haunting when the lights are off… It doesn’t help that it appears to be night outside, I can barely see a thing. I tried to get up and leave, but I couldn’t make out where the door was. I stumbled around, bumping into desks and chairs, trying to find a way out.

At some point, my hands grazed what felt like a doorknob. I think this is it. I opened the door, but the abyss engulfed me even further.

Where am I? It’s pitch black now. The smoke is even more intrusive. I could feel my heart pounding.

Then suddenly, a single light flickered in front of me— illuminating a stage below. There was a group of people all murmuring amongst themselves, with dozens more rushing past me to reach them. I glanced around the room, only to be met with a swarm of smiles and cries and figures. None of them caught my gaze. Not like I expected them to, anyways.

To my left, I saw a woman smiling through her tears. Finally, free from the shackles of deadlines and responsibilities. She always was a hardworking student.

To my right, I see a group of athletes hugging each other. Occasionally, I see the shimmer of a golden trophy, as it gets hoisted into the air.

And then I noticed… All of them were clutching a rolled up sheet of paper.

I looked back at myself. At where I stood. At the hand, I spent so long staring at it.

But, the sacred scroll was nowhere to be found.

I was the only one without it.

I was the only one without congratulations…

And the world began to crumble once more.

Why am I here, then?

Why am I being forced to watch this?

Everyone’s leaving me behind!

Why am I so worthless?!

What have I spent the past decade and a half doing?!

Have I amounted to anything at all?!

I’m so lost…

I don’t know what to do.

Why is it so easy for everyone else?

Why can’t I figure out what I want to do with my life?

Why can’t I imagine a future for myself?

Why can’t I… imagine… from https://thumbs.dreamstime. com/b/historic-street-calle-crisologo-vigan-ilocos-sur-philippin-historic-street-calle-crisologo-vigan-ilocos-sur-philippines-103667319.jpg

I opened my eyes. I’m greeted with the soft whirring of a ceiling fan, but I don’t hear any beeping. I think it’s a weekend. I’m not sure, every day is a blur anyways. Wait, wasn’t I just at school? Did I fall asleep? I laid in bed for a few minutes trying to process what just happened.

I’m awake again. But, I really wish I wasn’t.

What is there to look forward to, anyways?