Wifely duties by salmanhasan2011

Wifely

Duties The List of Lies Jordan Christopher & Y. Allen

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

Wifely Duties “The List of Lies”

The List of Lies

Printed in United States of America Copyright © 2012 by Jordan Christopher and Y. Allen. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise, without consent of the publisher. Please direct your inquires to Forester & Cohen Publishing at info@cohenpublishing.com. United States Copyright Office Registration No. Pending Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for. ISBN 978-0-9839422-3-8

Cover Design by SanCrew.com Editor: Tiffany T. Exum Editorial Assistant: Asher Moskowitz

Written By: Jordan Christopher & Y. Allen Forester & Cohen Publishing, LLC 5257 Buckeystown Pike, Suite 423 Frederick, Maryland 21704 CohenPublishing.com

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The following story is based on actual events. Certain names and locations have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. Aspects of the story have also been changed for dramatic and literary effect. But what you are about to read is based on true events and is inspired by one womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s determination to survive.

The List of Lies

Dedicated To: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Vonnieâ&#x20AC;? and every person who has shared in her struggle and eventually, in her triumph. This is for the women who dare to survive. And for those who are not yet sure how to.

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

Wifely Duties

Part One:

“Life Beginning”

The List of Lies

Prelude Alyssa sat on the edge of her freshly made bed, staring outside as she thought about the life that lay before her. She couldn’t believe today had finally arrived. Outside her window a crisp autumn breeze blew in scents like memories, and she could hear the sound of her mother’s voice shouting orders to her older brother Logan who was loading up the car with the rest of her things. She glanced around the room; the place where she had spent the last 18 years of her life. The posters on the wall and pictures on the dresser smiled at her and begged not to be forgotten. God, she hoped she was ready for this. But something deep inside reminded her that she was. Ever since she was a little girl she dreamed of getting away from home and moving to the city. Finding her own place in life, her own way to be in the world without the weight and pressure of family and rules… It was only college, and just a 7 hour car ride away, but it was freedom enough and she would take it and run! She tried to convince her mother to let her move to New York and do what she really wanted to do, model and sing. But growing up under the watchful gaze of Victoria Evans who had been an educator for 30 years, Alyssa already knew Manhattan would be out of the question; at least not without an education first. So they had agreed on the University of Illinois – Urbana – Champaign, far enough for her to find her long awaited freedom, yet close enough that Mother could stop in and visit whenever she chose to do so. You see, Victoria Evans was from what some call “The Old School”, and was raised on strong Christian values with extreme importance placed on manners and class, proper upbringing and respect. And while she had always supported anything Alyssa and her siblings wanted to do, one thing she would never bend on was education. There was a sudden commotion outside of her room that pulled her from her thoughts and back to reality. The door swung open quickly, Mother stood there somewhat disheveled, managing a tone of annoyance… Or perhaps it was exhaustion.

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The List of Lies

Chapter 1

“Alyssa. What are you doing sitting in here staring out the window? Logan needs you to bring down the rest of your bags so he can finish packing the car. You need to leave in the next half hour if you want to miss traffic.” Victoria said. “Okay, I’ll be down in a minute. I just need to find my journal and I’ll be ready to go.” She smiled, reassuring her mother that she had everything under control. “Alyssa, sweetheart,” Victoria began, “Your journal is in the foyer downstairs where you left it this morning.” Alyssa couldn’t help but blush just a little. “Oops.” “Yeah, oops. Come along now, you’ve got to get going, you have a long drive ahead of you.” At her mother’s command, Alyssa stood slowly, grabbed the two remaining bags and walked towards the door. She glanced over her shoulder, taking one last look at the room until finally, almost reluctantly, she closed the door.

“ Boys and Books Don’t Mix ” The entire Evans family crowded around the small white Mercedes Coupe, with Alyssa hugging each one of them goodbye. First was Logan, her older brother who was only two years apart from her. Then came Kara, the oldest of the Evans children. Next was Marianne, the middle sister. And finally Mother. Victoria struggled to keep her composure at the sight of her youngest child leaving home for the first time. It was not like her to cry, but she was overwhelmed with emotion on this clear autumn day. “Now, you call me the second you get there. And make sure they don’t have you roomed with one of those promiscuous girls. And please, for my sake remember what I’ve always told you,” Victoria was fighting back the emotions rising in her throat now more than ever. “Yes Mother, I’ll remember. It’s not like I could forget,” Alyssa started. “I want to hear you say it. If nothing else, remember…” before she could finish, Alyssa cut in. “I’ll remember, Mama. Boys and books don’t mix.” She finished the sentence and worked up another reassuring smile. “That’s right. You go to class, you study hard… You make something of yourself. Don’t let anyone, let alone some boy get in the way of that… Of your future.” Victoria could no longer hold herself together, and the tears began to stream down her face… She had worked so hard over the years since Charles, her husband, had died, and she wanted nothing more than for her children to live the lives that would make them happy… Lives they could be proud of.

“Okay, okay Mama, I think she’s got your point,” Logan cut the

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silence short with his deep, reverberating laugh. Standing at 6 feet 5 inches tall and 250 pounds of muscle, the once high-school quarter back could always be counted on for lightening the mood with a joke or two. He continued, “The way you go on about it, I’d be surprised if all three of my sisters didn’t take off running at the sight of a man just walking down the street!” They all laughed, including Victoria who was wiping the tears from her face. Alyssa hugged her Mother one last time. “Don’t you worry about me Mama, I’ll be just fine.” It was something that she always said when she could tell her Mother was concerned. Dad used to say it all the time, You may be the baby, but you’re the strongest one in the bunch. Of all the kids, I know I don’t have to worry about my ‘Lyssa’… Remembering her Father always made her emotional, and as she pulled away from her Mother’s arms, she fought back tears of her own. She noticed now too that Kara’s eyes were welling up as well. Marianne and Logan looked at each other and exchanged a look of exasperation. “Alright already! It’s sad that you’re leaving, and we’re gonna miss you and all, but you’ve got 7 hours to cry in the car. And now all 3 of y’all’s make-up is running and we look like idiots standing in the driveway crying our eyes out.” Logan laughed as he spoke. Victoria didn’t seem to be amused. “Logan Josiah Evans, you sat in my classroom for 3 years, and I’ve raised you until now. So tell me, when did you ever learn that ‘yall’ is an acceptable pronoun?” Victoria’s emotion was gone now and she was once again in full blown “Teacher Mode”, as the kids called it. “Well, never Mama, but it’s in the dictionary!” Logan blurted, still struggling to hold off the laughter. “Young man, we aren’t in the dictionary. We are in my driveway, and you will not use that word. It sounds country.” Victoria snapped,

The List of Lies

but left a bit of lightness in her tone that let everyone know she was only joking. Being an English teacher for 30 years gave her a way with words, and when she spoke you could tell that every word was carefully chosen and spoken with intent. Even the intonation and rhythm of her speech seemed an art all its own. Alyssa got into the car and shut the door. The sound echoed down the neighborhood street, with an eerie sense of finality to it. “Never mind how crass, Logan’s right. I should get going.” Alyssa stated, adjusting the seat to accommodate the boxes crammed into the back of the tiny car. “Alright, my darling,” Victoria began “You just remember everything I’ve told you. But most importantly…”

Logan, quick to jump in,

“She knows! Boys and books…” but before he could finish, Victoria lifted her hand to Logan’s face and shushed him quickly. “…But most importantly, know that I love you… That you are loved deeply, and if you need anything at all, your brother and sisters and I are just a phone call away.” And after that statement, there was a kind of calm silence that encroached on the five of them; the kind of silence that no one wants to break in fear of ruining a moment. So with nothing left to say, Alyssa started the car, and it quickly came to life; its low rumble the only sound echoing down the street. Reaching out of the window, Alyssa grabbed her mother’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

“I love you too, Mama”.

Her hands were shaking as she shifted the car into gear. She couldn’t tell if she was more nervous or excited. One thing was for sure,

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

she was getting out of that town. So many of her so-called friends said she could never make it outside of Glenview, or that she was too odd looking to model, or that her voice was only fit for a choir. She would show them just how wrong they were. She would make it out there and show them all. And with that, she eased the car onto the quiet suburban street, waved goodbye while glancing in the rear view mirror, and disappeared between the thick, colorful fall leaves floating down from the ominous trees above.

The List of Lies

Chapter 2

“A Different Kind of Freedom” October 19th, Dear Diary, Whatever freedom I thought I would find by going to college, I was obviously wrong. I can hardly keep up. I’ve got English Lit 3 days a week which thank goodness I’m good at. Psychology 101 2 days a week, and if you ask me I think the professor is in serious need of a psychologist himself. Intro to Calculus 3 days a week with a lab on Friday night. Who puts labs on a Friday night? I swear that class should count towards language credits, it’s not even math anymore, just symbols and rules. Speaking of language, I tested into advanced Spanish, which was a surprise to me, but anyhow, I’ve got that 3 days a week as well. The only class I actually look forward to is my Music Theory class, which is only 2 days a week and a night course, but I don’t mind at all. It’s the only one that makes perfect sense to me… I got another package from Mom today. Not only did she put in the extra notebooks I needed, she included a bunch of pictures from back home, a letter saying how proud she is of me, and a check for 50 dollars! Which is incredible seeing as her usual response when asked for money is “Get a job! They’d be glad to send you money twice a month!” God I miss her. But I think all-considered, I’m doing pretty well. Trying hard as ever to stay away from boys. Which is proving more difficult than I thought… There’s this one boy named Stephen who just won’t leave me alone. It’s sort of cute though I guess. He smiles whenever we pass each other in the quad. And I know it sounds cheesy, but last weekend at open mic night in the student center, he got up onstage and sang a song. It was entitled “Alyssa”. It was corny and embarrassing, but I guess it’s nice to have songs written about you. And it’s nice to be liked by a boy. Ugh, what am I saying? Boys and book don’t mix… BOYS AND BOOKS DON’T MIX!!! But then who knows, a little bit of boys and a little bit of books couldn’t be that bad, could it? It’s a strange thing,

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Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The List of Lies

College. It’s a different kind of freedom… There are still pressures and more rules than before, only there’s really no one to punish you for not following them! Anyway, it’s almost midnight and I’ve got a midterm in the morning for that ridiculous Calc class. Guess I better get some sleep… Until next time,

really sorry, I just wasn’t paying attention.”

~Alyssa.

“Uhh, not yet. I’ve been meaning to get one since the beginning of the semester. I accidentally forgot mine at home when I left. Just haven’t had the time I guess.” She had to admit, she was pretty embarrassed. Patrick’s eyes lit up and once again he displayed those enormous teeth.

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Flustered, Alyssa pushed her way out of the crowded lecture hall. The midterm had been a nightmare and she couldn’t imagine how anyone could manage to pass a class like this. However, she knew a vast portion of the final grade would be based on class participation and homework; and since she participated every chance she got and went to a tutor to look over her homework problems, she knew she shouldn’t be worried. Thank goodness the lab tonight was cancelled due to the midterm. She definitely needed a break. Trapped in her thoughts, like she normally was, Alyssa didn’t see that she was about to run into someone. By the time she looked up, it was too late and her books and papers went flying, scattering themselves across the smooth tiled floor of the hallway. “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I must not have been paying attention” Alyssa started, completely embarrassed. The man she ran into bent down quickly and gathered up her things. Alyssa had seen this guy around campus before; a goofy looking kid, she thought; tall, lanky, large eyes and teeth. And he always wore these very large glasses that looked like someone had strewn together two enormous magnifying glasses. “No worries pretty lady, it’s all good! Name’s Patrick. Patrick Grady” he said, smiling with those large teeth. “Alyssa Evans. Nice to meet you,” she said, managing to extend an arm once she’d stabilized her books and papers in the other. “Again, I’m

“Well,” he began “it’s a wonder you can even make it down the hall at all with all those books! Don’t you have a bag or something?”

“Oh Really? Well I work down at the bookstore. Head of student sales. I’ve got a badge and everything.” Alyssa fought the urge to smile. His excitement and enthusiasm was comical, but genuine, and goofy as he was she got a sense that overall he was a pretty genuine guy. “Wow Patrick, that sounds like very official work,” she said, matching his enthusiasm. “Well, yes ma’am it is. That’s what I’m trying to tell ya! I get discounts too. Why don’t you stop by the store sometime this weekend and we’ll find you a bag so that you’re not runnin’ into strangers and throwing papers all over campus!” And this threw him into a fit of laughter. More laughter than his humor called for she thought, but what a laugh to match his personality, goofy and loud. Now, since Alyssa was new to this whole ‘talking to boys’ thing, she couldn’t tell whether he was trying to flirt with her or was just being friendly, and seeing as he wasn’t her type, she wasn’t sure what to say… Although, she really did need a bag for these books. She noticed Patrick’s face change as he realized the slight awkwardness of the situation, and quick to fix it he spoke. “Oh, not to worry! I’m not trying to pick you up or anything. I’ve got a girl, 2 years next month! Name’s Patricia. Patrick and Patricia, I swear I’m gonna marry that girl one day!” Alyssa felt bad for assuming such a thing, but was glad to know there wasn’t another boy who would try to

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Wifely Duties The List of Lies

write songs about her; she could barely handle the one. “I’m sorry,” she said, trying to hide her embarrassment, “I’ve just been under a lot of pressure lately, I’m not myself.” He smiled and patted her on the shoulder. “Yeah, carrying a hundred pounds of stuff in your arms will do that to ya!” Again with that laughter. And those teeth! Eyes bright as light bulbs. He continued, “But like I said, stop by this weekend and we’ll find you something! We’ve got over 15 different styles.” “Thank you so much Patrick, I really appreciate it. And again, I’m sorry for bumping into you. But I’ll be by on Sunday.” They both smiled and shook hands again, then she turned to walk away. “Nice to meet you pretty lady, you be careful not to break your back or run into anymore strangers before Sunday!” And again he laughed and laughed.

As she walked out of the lecture hall and into the brisk fall air, she couldn’t help but smile to herself thinking about the new friend she had made. While she went through a tomboy stage as a child, she had never had a friend that wasn’t a girl. And although they had just met, she could tell that over time they would be friends. And she thought how nice it would be to have a friend who was a boy, who wanted nothing more than to help a ‘pretty lady’ find a bag for her books.

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The List of Lies

It was late Saturday evening and Alyssa was struggling to keep her eyes open. The third floor of the library was painfully quiet. Still. Silent. So quiet that the sound of her own breathing was becoming a distraction. There was an oral exam in her Spanish class on Monday morning and she was struggling to remember the vocabulary; conjugating verbs into past and future tenses. The irregulars were so difficult to remember, let alone change them back and forth between the two. As she shuffled through the study packet, she heard the ‘ding’ of an elevator and the sound of muffled voices. “Yes, right down there, last row on the right” she could make out the voice of the Library attendant; soft and pleasant. Someone who was used to working in such a quiet place. “Thanks a million, I would’ve never found it myself!” A male voice; distinct, cool… Familiar. Alyssa lowered her head as the footsteps got closer. Pretty soon the man was walking right past her and as she smelled his cologne, she remembered the song. Alyssa. He hadn’t seen her, and continued to walk to the last row of books, tucked away in the corner, 15 feet away from where she was sitting. Crap, what do I do? She thought to herself. She’d never been alone like this with a boy, let alone a boy who wrote songs about her. What would she say? What would he expect? Her heart was racing and pounding so loud in her chest that she could hear it in her ears. Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and after a few seconds of silence, which seemed like an eternity, Stephen began to hum. A familiar tune. Alyssa. She looked up from her papers, slow and cautious, hoping he wasn’t looking at her. But sure enough he was, a grin slowly growing on his face, revealing near perfect teeth. She studied that face; green eyes like fire and ice and earth all thrown together, his strong brow and chiseled chin, tan skin and muscular build; more handsome than any man she had ever seen. She quickly returned to herself and realized she

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The List of Lies

was staring, although he was staring back. Regardless, she was studying and like Mom always said ‘Boys and…’. Crap! He was walking over. His footsteps like heartbeats; strong, smooth, longing.

he did just then.

“Hi Alyssa.” He smiled, and the second she looked up, her Spanish exam quickly became a far off and distant memory. There was a 10 second pause before she realized she would have to say something back. She stammered, searching, hoping for the words and blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

“Hey, do you wanna get outta here? Go grab a cup of bad coffee or something?” Again, smiling the smile that he wore so well.

“Hola!” She could feel herself turning red, thinking “Hola Alyssa?! Hola? That’s all you could come up with.” But to her surprise, he laughed and obliged. “Hola Señorita. Es una noche Hermosa. ¿Por qué estás aquí en un Sábado?” Obviously not a native speaker, but boy did he sound good; asking her why she was here on a Saturday night. “Uhhh” she stumbled for the words, “Porque… Tengo un examen el lunes y yo debo estudiar.” Her accent as shaky as her hands as she explained she needed to study for an exam. “Not too bad” he smiled again. “Don’t tell me a girl like you doesn’t have better plans than studying on a Saturday night?” He questioned, half leaning, half standing against the desk just a few feet across from her. “Well I was invited places, but studying comes first. I’ve got to pass this oral exam, it’s worth 25 percent of my grade.” She knew she was blushing, but neither of them seemed to mind. “I’m no expert or anything, but I’m pretty good at Spanish and from what I hear, I don’t think you’ll have any problems.” He moved forward and sat now, directly across from her, looking intently at her, drinking her in the way people look at art in galleries. Is that what he thought of her? She knew she was a pretty girl and boys always said she was attractive, but no one had ever looked at her the way

Before she could speak, he continued.

What do I do? She thought to herself. She really should be studying, but this boy made her feel so… so different, so intrigued. And still she could hear the words of her Mother, louder than the heartbeats pounding in her head. “I would love to,” she began “It’s just… I’ve really got to finish studying.” She could see the disappointment clouding his face. “Okay, I understand.” He said in a mock tone of sadness. They both smiled to themselves, each of them filled with butterflies like lightning bugs, illuminating them from inside and floating around there in the depths, in the still and quiet of the third floor of the Library. She had to see him again, she had to hear his music. Thinking quickly, she ripped off a piece of paper from her study packet and wrote something down. “But, here’s my dorm room number. Room 415A. Raincheck?” She smiled and slightly bit her lip, attempting to flirt. She saw it in a movie once and it was pretty much all she knew how to do. He glanced down at the paper, moved his large, strong hand back through his thick head of dark brown hair.

“Sounds like a plan Señorita Alyssa.” And they both smiled again.

Suddenly, her watch beeped and she stood, beginning to pack up her things. Midnight. Time to get back to the dorms before the rush of drunken Saturday night party kids poured in. “Well, I’ve gotta get going. Have more studying to do back at the dorms and pretty much all day tomorrow.” She was about to leave, but as she did Stephen stood and reached for her hand.

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“Wait, I wanna give you something.” Uh-oh she thought, is this man about to try and kiss me?! But instead he took off his bag and reached in, pulling out a notebook that looked worn and well used. Ripped a page out and handed it to her. “I hope you don’t think it’s weird or bad. I just… I wrote it off the top of my head the other day and want you to have it.” She looked at the page. Just five lines written there. His handwriting extremely neat for a boy’s, she thought. “Thanks Stephen, that’s very sweet of you.” “Anytime Alyssa. Anytime.” And he turned, grabbed his bag and walked back to the last row of books. Walking away, Alyssa willed herself not to look back, she knew she’d probably faint if she turned around and saw that beautiful man smiling at her again. So she didn’t; just walked to the elevator, got in and waited for the doors to close. Heart pounding just as hard as when she first smelled his cologne drift past her. She walked back to her dorm in a daze. She’d only ever been drunk once, last New Year’s, and that’s all she could equate this feeling to. Stumbling, almost blindly, up the four flights of stairs to her dorm, heart racing still, and her body tingling all over, she wanted to feel like this all the time. Drifting, happy, wanted.

_________________

Just as he’d promised, Patrick Grady stood at the counter of the Bookstore, smiling away and chuckling, almost always to himself. His face lit up when he saw Alyssa walk in. She was just as love drunk as she had been the night before.

The List of Lies

“Well I said I’d be here, so here I am!” She smiled and looked around the place. Neat and orderly, no doubt the work of Patrick and his love for the job, and the status he felt that came along with it. On the far side of the store she saw the bag section and glanced quickly for the cheapest price. While her family was pretty well off and considered upper-middle class, Alyssa was always trying to save a few dollars and stretch the money she had. Always turning nickels into dimes, dimes into quarters, and so on. “Oh no, Ms. Alyssa!” He had followed her eyes and ever the salesman, walked over to the counter where there was already a very nice looking bag waiting for her on the glass. “I’ve already taken care of it. This one here is a little more expensive, but I promise you it’ll last all four years! Money-back guarantee. And since you’re a dear old friend,” he winked “It’s 35 percent off!” He smiled bright, eyes wide, teeth gleaming. “Oh Patrick, thank you but I’m really strapped for cash and right now I think I should just get a bag that’ll last the rest of the year.” She found it hard to resist his persistence. “Didn’t you hear me?” he began “35 percent off! That means I can sell it to you for just 25 dollars, and you won’t have to worry about buying a new one for next year. Take my advice Alyssa this is the bag for you! I wouldn’t steer ya wrong!” She had to admit it was a very nice bag. “Oh alright, you sold me Patrick” she giggled, “Boy, I’m sure you keep this place in business with sales pitches like that.” His face straightened and he leaned in as if to tell her a big secret, then whispered as serious as ever, “Between you and me Alyssa, you’re absolutely right.” There were a few seconds of silence and then suddenly he burst into another fit of his comical laughter, and Alyssa couldn’t help but join him. “Come on Pretty Lady, let’s get you rung up.”

“Ms. Pretty Lady Evans! I’m glad you came!” He rushed around the counter and greeted her at the door.

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Wifely Duties The List of Lies

Back at her dorm, with the weekend coming to a close, Alyssa began organizing her books and papers into her brand new bag. As she reached for one of her notebooks, she noticed a single piece of notebook paper sticking out at the top. She straightened it out, and couldn’t help but smile as she read the lines… “Eyes deep brown and mysterious, Like oceans full of secrets. A beauty like none I’ve ever seen, I long for just one more look. And hope that one day I might find her looking back at me.” -Stephen

The List of Lies

Chapter 3

“Falling” The months seemed to pass like sand falling in an hourglass. Night after night, day after day; the weekends seemed to mesh all together, and quickly they both lost track of time. It was now May, and freshman year was coming to a close. Alyssa walked down the four flights of stairs to the dorm lobby to greet her boyfriend of seven months, Stephen Lewis. This year had been the best of her life so far, and she was madly in love. They both were. He seemed to understand her like no one ever had, and his charm never failed. He was always complimenting her on how she looked, and still after all this time it seemed like he wrote something new for her every month. And as if by fate, she discovered that his hometown was a mere twenty minutes from hers. She couldn’t help but think maybe he was the one. As she rounded the corner, she spotted him immediately; leaning against the high-backed chair and reading a magazine, just as cool and handsome as ever. He was wearing black slacks and a maroon button-down shirt, very classy for just a stroll across campus. She stealthily snuck up behind him, putting her hands over his eyes. Those emerald eyes like gemstones that cast a spell over anyone who saw them. “Hey you,” he said removing her hands as he moved in for a kiss… How she loved his kiss; soft yet assertive, one thing was for sure, this boy knew how to kiss a girl. “You’re late Mister” she jokingly scolded him, pointing a finger and shaking it at him like you would a child. “I know babe, but I got caught up at my dorm. Some guys needed help carrying boxes out of their rooms,” he kissed her again.

As amazing as he was, he was never on time; always getting

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‘caught up’ or ‘losing track of time’. She didn’t mind waiting for him though. She could wait for that man forever and not mind. Just seeing his face and those eyes were worth every minute spent waiting.

He took her hand in his.

The List of Lies

she’s onto something there.” Alyssa smiled and put her finger to his lips and kissed him again. “I’ll meet you here at 7:30 Mr. Lewis”. And she turned, playing coy as she walked to the staircase.

“Now Mrs. Lewis,” he started, “We’ve got dinner reservations at your favorite place in town at eight. So, go put on a knock-out dress and meet me back here at 7:30.” He managed to get out the entire sentence while still flashing his smile.

He shouted out behind her.

He had gotten into the habit of calling her Mrs. Lewis about a month ago. And he always talked about what it would be like when they got married. A beautiful two story house, he would say, or three kids and a dog… Two boys and a little girl, she’ll be the baby of course. And while Alyssa was still relatively naïve and knew it, she loved when he talked that way. It made her feel more beautiful than any piece of clothing or jewelry, or any amount of makeup could make her feel.

“I love you more.” And this gave the group of girls even more to giggle about in their little corner. Alyssa didn’t mind, and neither did he.

“So that’s what this outfit’s all about. Baby you shouldn’t have!” she found it impossible to hide the wide smile forcing its way onto her face. ear.

He reached for her face and brushed a stray hair back behind her

“You know I’d do anything for you baby girl. I want us to have a fantastic evening together. Uninterrupted by books and roommates and finals.” She hugged him deeply, and kissed him again. As she pulled away, she realized there was a group of girls sitting across the room giggling, one of them who was the building security guard yelled out, “Get a room you two!” And the group burst into more chuckles than before. Alyssa jokingly waved them off; everyone in her dorm was always giving her a hard time. Stephen looked over at the group and then back at Alyssa, “You know,

“I love you baby.” She turned and smiled.

_________________ She looked at herself in the full length mirror hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Standing there, she hardly recognized herself; hair full and neat, light airy curls flowing down just below her collarbone. The red crimson dress that she had found on sale at one of the outlets in Chicago, and gorgeous black Jimmy Choo heels that had been a birthday gift from her sister Kara. Now a pro at doing makeup, Alyssa’s face glowed. The contours of her cheekbones shaded perfectly, the lipstick so delicate and precise she would hate to mess it up. She had to admit, she shined up pretty damn good. After adjusting a bit of eye shadow, she quickly checked up at the clock hanging on the wall, 7:25. She walked over to her desk and grabbed her purse. She couldn’t wait to have an entire evening alone with Stephen. Who knew what the night would bring. Nothing but goodness, she thought. How could anything bad come from such a beautiful man like him? She loved him fiercely, and now more than ever, she knew he was the one.

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~~~

Heads turned and a hush fell over the dining room of Blue Crossing; The Five Star Lounge and Restaurant that Alyssa loved so much. The people weren’t only staring at her, but at them both. They were an explosion of beauty and class as the Host sat them at their table; a single rose sitting at the center, illuminated by soft, golden candlelight. They were the perfect couple, and everyone in the room knew it. She loved that about them. They had a way of being so powerful simply by being together. On their own they were still impressive, but when together, they were the couple that couples wished they were.

The night went on and they ate and laughed. Oh how they laughed and enjoyed one another so intensely. At one point in the evening, Stephen even stood up and made a toast, announcing to the restaurant, I’m here with the beautiful Alyssa Evans, and I’m going to marry this woman some day. Everyone smiled and clapped for them; all the women glancing longingly at him while all the men looked lustfully at her. After they finished dessert and had a cup of coffee, they left, and waiting outside for the valet, he leaned over and kissed her tenderly. Once in the car, he grabbed her hand, playing with the contours of her fingers. “You wanna come over to my dorm? My roommate’s already moved out and we’d have the place to ourselves.” Flashing his winning smile. She didn’t know what to say. Sure it would be wonderful to spend the entire night with him, falling asleep in his arms. But did he want more than just a quiet night at home? Was this the night? How could she be sure? She wasn’t sure of much, but she was sure she loved him and he loved her.

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“Yes,” she began, “I’d like that.”

The light of the full moon spilled brightly into the small, cramped dorm room as their bodies collided. Not at all what she’d imagined. No flowers fell from the sky. There was no music. Where was his music now? It had gone away and was replaced by this room and the moonlight. But she loved him. He loved her. They were going to get married. The time would come sooner or later, and here she was. Mother’s voice was distant now, and so far away; small like a whisper. Was this what love meant? This mess of arms and legs? It had to happen at some point in time. Whether she was happy or sad, she couldn’t be sure. One could never be sure. Not at all what she’d imagined. She awoke to warm sunlight beaming onto her face, and Stephen kissing her neck softly, humming the tune he’d named after her.

“Good morning beautiful” he caressed her neck.

“Good morning.” She worked up a smile

“You know I love you right?”

“Of course I do. I love you too.” Stephen got up out of bed, his naked body like an ancient sculpture done in solid marble. “I’m going home this weekend, and after your afternoon class on Friday, I want you to come up too.” He was getting dressed now. “Babe I would, but I’ve got my last final on Monday. That’s a lot of driving.” His smile faded and he leaned in and kissed her passionately, “Too much driving for the man you love? Seriously, I’ve got something I wanna talk to you about.”

“Can’t we talk about it here?” she didn’t understand.

He grabbed her hand, again playing with her fingers, “I don’t

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Chapter 4

wanna talk about it here. It would be better if we could do it back at home.” Suddenly Alyssa realized what he was getting at. He was going to propose! “Okay, sure. I guess I could just drive up for the weekend, take some of my stuff and then drive back down for my last final.” She was hiding a smile that would surely give it away that she knew.

“Perfect” he said.

The sun was shining brightly that morning as Alyssa walked the three blocks back to her dorm; wearing her outfit from the night before. She knew that technically this was called a ‘Walk of Shame’ but she had nothing to be ashamed of. She had made love to a man she loved with all of her heart and who loved her just the same. She found herself walking faster, eager to get to her room and start packing in anticipation for the weekend.

May 24th,

Dear Diary,

Oh My God!!! I can’t stop smiling right now. I can’t believe this is all happening and so soon! I knew I loved Stephen from the moment I met him, and I didn’t think it was possible to love him any more than I already did. But after last night, well now I know that he’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He’s perfect and we’re just so perfect together. He wants me to meet him back at home this weekend to talk about something, and I just know he’s going to propose! And Mama said boys and books don’t mix! Haha, I mean yes, my grades have gone down just a little bit, but I still have an impressive GPA, and now, at 18, I’m madly in love and about to be engaged. There’s so much to do! We’re so young and we’ll get to do it all together. Experience everything life has to offer side by side. I am the happiest I’ve ever been, ever. And I know that after this weekend, I’ll never be the same. This is it… This is where happiness begins and as long as I’m with him, there will always be an endless supply. And while sex is nothing how I imagined it would be, I love him. And even if I never like the sex, loving him will be enough for me. Yes… Love will be enough…Until next time,

“Home” T he drained afternoon sun hung low in the sky as Alyssa made her way home. Bright golds and yellows splashed brilliant colors onto the freeway, and through the open windows she could feel the warmth of summer just around the corner. She enjoyed having the drive to herself. Besides, she needed to think of how she was going to break it to her Mother that she had been seeing Stephen all this time. How would she explain being engaged? She had no idea what she would do. There’s really no right time to say ‘Hey Mom, I went off to college, fell in love, lost my virginity and now I’m engaged’. She laughed out loud at the thought of trying to explain that one. She would figure something out… She had to. Her small white Mercedes pulled slowly into the driveway. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t been home since August. It all felt so long ago. So much had happened between then and now. It wasn’t until she put the car in park that she realized her Mother was kneeling there in her garden just below the bay window. Victoria turned and stood slowly, wearing a wide smile that showed even in her eyes. “Oh my goodness!” Victoria exclaimed and rushed over to the car, “I wasn’t expecting you until Wednesday! What a surprise!” She said as she hugged her daughter, tighter than she’d ever hugged her before. “Yeah I know, I thought I’d bring some of my stuff up early and surprise you!” Alyssa pulled back from the hug and looked at her Mother’s face. Exactly how she remembered it.

“You mean you have to go back?” Victoria asked.

“Just for my last final on Monday and then I’ll be back for the summer.” Alyssa replied. Now wasn’t the right time to drop the bomb. Not yet.

Victoria shuffled Alyssa down the walkway and towards the front

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door. “Well I wish you would have called, dear. I would have made a fabulous dinner for your return. But what a pleasant surprise… Look at my baby.” They reached the front door and entered the house, Victoria continued, “We’ve got so much to catch up on! There are so many things I want to talk to you about, I want to hear everything!” Victoria was elated. How could she possibly break the news with Mom so genuinely excited to see her after all this time? She would have to wait until Sunday. “Great Mom, I can’t wait! How about we have tea tomorrow over at Mrs. Delroy’s coffee shop and I’ll tell you all about it.” Alyssa smiled, hoping that Saturday would suffice; she had to be at Stephen’s house by eight tonight. “Oh, well that would be lovely” Victoria began, “Is there something you’re doing this evening? I’d just love to make a dinner and call your sisters over. Logan’s up in Milwaukee for a business retreat. But there’s no reason the Evans girls can’t have a little girl’s night together. Did you have plans?”

Just to get proposed to Mom, no big deal…

“Well actually, I…” Alyssa stopped midsentence, unsure what to say. She had never really lied to her Mother. She searched for the words, “I was invited to this new jazz club in the city… Just a couple girls from high school. I’ll probably be home late.” She hoped she sounded convincing enough. “Oh,” Victoria began, “Well that should be lovely. Just make sure you’re home before one. You may be eighteen young lady, but my house, my rules. I assume you haven’t forgotten them?”

“Of course not Mama,” she paused, “how could I forget?”

The List of Lies

The gate surrounding Glenbrook Estates was anything but welcoming. It wrapped effortlessly around the pristine, well-kept houses and tightly manicured lawns. As she approached the entrance, she did what Stephen had told her; wave, smile, flash the headlights twice and drive up to the gate, passing the 24 hour attendant. And sure enough, it had worked. Like a secret handshake that only the members knew, the gate had been opened and she slowly drove through. After a few weeks of talking, she was surprised to find out that Stephen only lived thirty minutes from her hometown, it would be an extra bonus for sure that their families lived so close to one another. The immaculate houses of Glenbrook Estates seemed like mansions standing stoically against the dark blue of the night sky. Alyssa’s heart was pounding in her chest. As she drove up the long driveway, she searched for Stephen’s car, but found that it wasn’t there. Must be in the garage, she thought out loud. She walked carefully to the front door, careful not to trip in her black Giuseppe Zanotti designer heels that she treated herself to from her graduation savings account. Her sleek, black sequin bodice dress glittered like the stars that shone above in the moonlight. Her long brown hair flowed elegantly down her back as she approached the front door and rang the bell. She waited. After about a minute, a middle-aged woman, who she assumed to be Stephen’s mother, answered the door. “Hello, can I help you?” the woman questioned. Appearing slightly confused. “Yes, my name is Alyssa, I’m… Well I’m Stephen’s girlfriend. He told me to meet him here tonight.” Alyssa smiled and extended her hand. The woman lifted her own and shook delicately. “Why yes of course. Alyssa Evans, right?” she said as she welcomed her into the foyer.

Alyssa nodded.

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“I’m Martha, pleasure to meet you.” There was a pause, “Well it was my understanding that he was going to pick you up tonight. It’s just like him to say one thing and do another, you know. I’ll try him on his cell phone. Make yourself at home, you can wait in the living room if you’d like.” She gestured to a room off to the right of the foyer, one step down. Alyssa walked into the room as Martha disappeared down the hall. She was slightly confused, but not too bothered; Martha was right, it was just like him to do something like this.

The living room of the Lewis residence sat as still and quiet as it had four hours earlier. No one had entered or left the house since Alyssa’s arrival. Martha had come in and offered her some dinner, which she declined. After the first two hours passed, Martha came back down to check on her, and since Stephen hadn’t arrived, they began to talk. They talked for about an hour, about Stephan growing up and the family business; some lucrative real estate venture. Small talk really, but it had helped to pass the time.

She could hear the muffled sound of Martha’s voice down the hall as she looked around the room. There was a grand piano in the corner, and she walked over to get a closer look. Played a few chords. She noticed some pictures propped there, and looking closer, saw that they were of Stephen as a boy. One of them showed him swinging a bat at what looked like a little league game. Another, one of him and Martha sitting at this very piano. Her hand guiding his over the keys, his face so focused and intense.

Just moments ago Martha had disappeared up the rounding staircase after apologizing profusely and saying goodnight. “Feel free to wait as long as you’d like.” She’d said, “Just see yourself out when you’re ready. Again, I am so sorry about all of this. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation”. She had been so kind the whole night, although Alyssa couldn’t help but think there was something she wasn’t telling her. Something she knew but was too afraid to say.

“I didn’t get an answer.” Martha had returned. “I’m so sorry Alyssa, there must be some mistake. Are you sure he told you tonight?” Alyssa stood there, confused.

So, having waited four hours for a date that never came, Alyssa walked herself out of the large house, locking the door from the inside before she closed it. As she got into her car, one thought kept edging its way into the back of her mind. Like a shadow, growing longer in the dimming light of a setting sun… One thought, sharp like a dagger, scratching at her heart. It’s not just that he stood me up, she thought… If he’s out this late and not at home, where could he be? Who is he with?

“Yes, I’m… I’m sure. He told me on Thursday to meet him here, tonight at eight.” Alyssa was growing increasingly more concerned. Who had Martha been talking to in the other room then? “Well,” Martha began, “you’re more than welcome to wait for a bit. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.” Martha smiled and left the room again. Alyssa sat down on a large, white couch… Her mind as blank as the fabric. He had said Eight o’clock on Friday night, she was sure. Although it was like him to be late, so this wasn’t too unusual. She would just wait until he got there… It couldn’t be too much longer.

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CHAPTER 5

“Reflection” “I say screw him! What a jerk,” Marianne seemed to yell as she walked back into the room, carrying three different coffee mugs, each filled with ice cream. The three Evans sisters had been lounging all day in Alyssa’s old room. One phone call to Marianne and Kara had been enough for them to rush over and offer some much needed support. It was about 10 o’clock and Victoria had gone to bed, so the girls spoke in hushed voices, careful not to wake her. Alyssa sat on her bed, knees tucked under her large t-shirt. Kara sat in the chair at the desk, doodling something, which left Marianne to take a seat on the floor, among a pile of oversized pillows and old stuffed animals. “He probably just got the days mixed up Lyssa. I bet you that’s what happened. He sounds too sweet to stand you up,” Kara smiled reassuringly.

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off Marianne’s negativity by reaching over and grabbing Alyssa’s hand. “Sweetie. Whatever it is, I’m sure there’s a perfectly sound and logical reason.” And again Kara smiled. Alyssa sat there and watched her sisters bicker back and forth while she picked at her ice cream. She really couldn’t understand what was going on. Had she done something wrong? Was he mad at her? No matter how hard she thought about it, she couldn’t piece together what was going on. None of this made sense.

_________________ It was three thirty on Sunday afternoon and Alyssa had just tried calling Stephen’s house for the last time. Still no answer. She was crushed.

“You ready to go?” Victoria appeared in the doorway.

“Listen,” Marianne started, “I wish you would’ve told us about him sooner. I could’ve told you from the start that he was no good. Men that perfect just don’t exist, I’m telling you!” She said as she handed her sisters their ice cream.

“Yes, I’m ready. Guess I’ll be heading out now.” Alyssa replied. And immediately Victoria knew something was wrong.

“Well, mistake or not, he’s got some serious explaining to do when I see him next. I just can’t believe he would forget something like that… And how do you explain me clearly hearing his Mom talking to someone on the other end of the phone?” Alyssa’s confusion had given way to a kind of sadness. The kind of sadness that came with not knowing.

“It’s nothing Mama. I’m just worried about my last final. You know, hoping I’ll do alright,” Alyssa said, trying more to convince herself than her mother.

“She’s in on it too!” Marianne pointed, “She knew something and was keeping it from you. You said it yourself. Look Alyssa, I know what I’m talking about. He’s playing games with you. I’ve seen it before.” Marianne huffed, her tone growing harsher with each word. Kara attempted to wave

“Sweetheart, you’ve been acting down all weekend. Is it anything you want to talk about?” Her face showing genuine concern.

Victoria looked at her daughter, searching, “Alyssa, I taught students for thirty-three years… Exams don’t put these types of looks on the faces of young girls.” She paused. The silence said it all. The sound of a honking horn echoed loudly from outside of the house and Alyssa went quickly to the window. Stephen had just pulled up.

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“Mama, this will only take a second.”

Stephen sat in his red convertible, the engine still running. That car had been a gift from his father on his 16th Birthday, Mrs. Lewis had told her Friday night. His aviator sunglasses reflected only the steering wheel, leaving his emerald eyes hidden. Alyssa walked to his door. “Well?” she said plainly. She expected some sort of explanation, some type of apology.

“Get in,” he said, in a tone she had never heard before.

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what happened Friday night. I waited for you until midnight.” She was getting angrier just thinking about it. He turned his head towards her, lowering his glasses slightly. She could see his eyes. Just a glimpse. “Did I say we were going anywhere? Alyssa, get in the car.” Reluctantly, she made her way to the other side of the Vette, swung open the door, got in and then slammed it with more force than she had anticipated. “What’s going on Stephen? I was really worried about you. Why did you leave me there all night?” She didn’t want to sound like she was pleading, but she was. Still looking ahead, he replied coolly, the way he had so many times before. “I got caught up. I had somewhere to be. But listen, that’s what I came here to talk to you about.” Finally he turned towards her, and she could barely see his eyes through the tint of the glasses. She could see herself in the reflection, and didn’t like what she saw. In those glasses she saw such a little girl, a little girl who didn’t know many things. A girl who

The List of Lies

could be stood up without explanation. A sad little girl stared back at her and she couldn’t bear the sight. She looked down to avoid seeing herself and instead saw something peculiar on his skin… A darkened mark on his neck, no bigger than a quarter. “What’s that?” she asked, afraid of the answer. A half-smile grazed his lips. “C’mon baby girl, you know what it is. Don’t look so surprised.” He said with a simplicity that infuriated her further. “I’m serious Stephen, enough! What the hell is that? Is that why you left me at your Mother’s for four hours that night? Is that why you told me to come all the way up here? To see that… that mark on your neck?” Her head pounded, she could feel the blood throbbing in her veins. “Look Alyssa, don’t act like you didn’t see it coming... It’s the only way I could really make you understand… I’m a guy, we’re both young. This is how it works, you had to know it was coming.” “You said you loved me Stephen. We planned a future together!” She could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She fought hard to hold them back. He let out a light chuckle, a cruel laugh. The sound reached her like a slap across the face. “Wow Alyssa you’re more naive than I thought. So what, we played house for a couple months. We named kids that don’t exist. We’re too young to settle down already. I said all those things because that’s what you wanted to hear, wasn’t it?” He seemed convinced that she was overreacting. “I only wanted to hear them if you meant it, Stephen.” There was a pause and she continued, “So you’ve been lying to me this entire time?” She folded her arms, still fighting back the urge to cry. Stephen moved uncomfortably in his seat.

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“You’re making such a big deal out of this. You are a great girl and these last few months have been a blast. We had some great times, we made each other happy, and that’s what relationships are. What don’t you get? It’s simple and fair…We both got what we wanted.” His words sliced her heart like a knife through butter, and she felt the pain of their sting immediately… “We both got what we wanted”… Like they were each some type of service to be used up and then discarded in the street. Her tears came now and she reached for the door, almost stumbling out onto the driveway. She started walking back to the house when he called after her. “C’mon baby girl, don’t be like this. Let’s not end on a bad note.” She stopped dead in her tracks. She turned quickly and rushed back to his window, and she could see herself approaching in the reflection of his glasses again. A sad, angry little girl. She reached into the car and snatched the glasses off of his face, scratching his nose as they went. He looked at her, stunned and somewhat frightened. “How convenient,” she began, surprised at her own calmness and precision. Her face inching closer to his, “How convenient that you suddenly decide we’re over three days after I sleep with you. You knew how much that meant to me. You’re disgusting.” She waited for him to speak. He did not, so she continued, “We both got what we wanted? Is that it? I got your lies and a couple bullshit songs. You took my virginity. What’s fair about that?” She stood straight now, surprised by her words, broke his expensive aviators between her hands and then threw them back in his face.

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for some man to play. The tears streamed down her face as she turned and walked back to the front door… Her heart breaking with each step.

_________________

Dear Diary, I don’t understand. I feel… I don’t know what I feel. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’ve never felt this way before. I keep rethinking everything that’s happened over the last few months. Where did I go wrong? At least Mom didn’t say ‘I told you so’. That would’ve probably been too painful to hear. I don’t get it… How can you say you love someone, then so quickly take it back? The sadness is overwhelming… And I can’t tell whether I’m sad because I lost him, or whether I’m sad because I loved him. -Alyssa

“I’m not just another one of your ‘baby girls’.” She said, hoping it was true. How many other girls had had this very conversation? Not just with him but with any man, any boy. How many of them had been foolish enough to believe a few words arranged correctly and put to music? She didn’t like being one of those girls. Another sad little girl. Another game

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each other again.” Even though that’s what it felt like to her.

CHAPTER 6

“Graduation” “And so we gather here, on this 10th day in the month of June after a great four years of hard work to congratulate and appreciate you. Your hard work has been recognized, and we hope that in your futures you will find the education you received here to be beneficial and complimentary not only to your careers, but to each of you, as individuals. Thank you for your dedication. Congratulations class, you’ve made it!”

Caps flew swiftly overhead as Alyssa dredged her way through the sea of gowns and excited graduates. She searched for Patrick in the crowd of faces. Her four years were over and she couldn’t help but rejoice with everyone else. And while she was terrified at the prospect of joining the “Real World”, just for this moment, she let herself be happy. After all that she had accomplished and been through in the last four years, she deserved it. Alyssa felt a sudden, familiar nudge at her side and immediately knew Patrick had found her.

“Patrick!” She screamed.

“Pretty Lady! My goodness, we did it huh?” he said.

Alyssa looked his face over and fought back tears. She hugged him again.

“Yeah, we sure did,” she said.

“Listen, don’t go getting teary-eyed. It’s not like we ain’t gonna see

“Patrick, you’re moving to Los Angeles with Patricia and I… Well I’m still figuring out just what I’m doing. But I don’t think L.A. is anywhere in my future,” she said. His face saddened for a moment, then lit up again. “Listen Ms. Big Apple, you won’t be missin’ little old me while you’re runnin’ off modeling with the big shots in Manhattan,” his eyes bright. “We talked about this Patrick. I’ve still got to save some money before I make that trip. I’ve got at least a year’s worth of saving to do.” She paused; realizing she was bringing down the happiness of the moment… “But you’re right! We’ll definitely keep in touch and the second I get the chance, I’ll come out to visit you,” she smiled.

“That’s my girl,” he said as Patricia came running up from behind.

She talked with them for a while and then made her way to the edge of the field to see her family. Everyone was there. Marianne even managed to seem interested in being there, even though Alyssa knew she hated these kinds of ceremonies. Kara was so excited, and had brought her a bouquet of Gerber daisy’s; her absolute favorite. Logan seemed to be more interested in Kylie Farber, the Valedictorian, who was making her way across the giant field, golden blonde hair trailing behind her… And of course there was Mama; smiling so bright, eyes wet with tears. Victoria hugged her and then whispered something in her ear, so soft she had to strain to hear it. “Your Father would be so proud of you. And I am so very proud of you. You’ve done beautifully, my darling.” The tears came almost instantly, and she held her mother tightly. She sincerely hoped she was making them proud… Both her and her Father. _________________

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Logan lifted the last box off of Alyssa’s bed. Then immediately set it back down. “Girl, what on earth do you have in here? I work out every day and even I’m having trouble picking it up.”

Alyssa walked out from the bathroom and sat down on the bed.

“Oh come on it’s not that heavy muscle man. It’s just some books,” she said. “You mean to tell me on top of all the reading you had to do for school, you read for fun?” He looked genuinely surprised. She laughed. “Yes Logan. I read for fun. Some people lift weights and sweat for fun, other people sit down and read for fun, it’s just how the world works,” she smiled. “I don’t see how reading can be fun. It always makes me fall asleep,” he wasn’t joking.

“And that my dear brother is why you lift weights and sweat.”

They both laughed, and Logan fake-punched her arm. It reminded her of the summers the family used to spend at Devils’ Lake up north. Logan would jokingly shove her, and she would shove back, and pretty soon they were both on the floor, wrestling each other. The loser had to call quits and then tap the floor three times before the other would let up. Kara always ended up in tears because she thought they were actually hurting each other. Marianne would just watch from the sidelines, cheering them on… Back to reality, she could feel Logan staring at her, and she looked up quickly.

“What?” she asked.

“Sis, you look like you’re about a thousand miles away. Wake up,” he laughed “You’re always looking off somewhere. Life is now Sis, get out of your head and into the world. What were you thinking about anyway?” He asked nosily. “Nothing really, just thinking, I guess.” She said. He was still staring. “So,” he began “Have you thought about what you’re doing for the summer?” he asked. “No… I’m just planning on going home, maybe getting a job in the city with the paper or a magazine.” Get out of your head rang in her mind. “Well,” he paused, smiling, and then continuing, “How do you feel about New York?”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I just signed the lease on a two bedroom apartment in uptown Manhattan for my new sales job out there. The apartment is right in the city, and if you don’t have anything concrete planned for the summer, you could move in with me. It could be fun.” She smiled, contemplating the idea. It could be fun, she thought. Just for the summer. Finally get out and do something for herself. She could get a job there and maybe model like she’d always wanted.

“Sis, there you go again thinking too much. Life is now!” he said,

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waiting for an answer.

Life is now… Suddenly, she realized she had already decided.

CHAPTER 7

“New York” New York City hit her like a volt of electricity straight to the brain. It exhilarated and scared her all at the same time. All of the people crowding the streets, darting in and out of stores and offices somehow never running into one another amazed her. Her small Midwestern town was now a faint memory and it perplexed her to think that anyone who had ever been to the city could return to such a quiet place. True, the people here weren’t as friendly as they were back home, but it didn’t seem that it was out of spite… Rather, everyone was here for a purpose. They all had a destination; always coming or going. It was only in Times Square that people seemed to slow down and look up, taking in the life that was all around them. But even then, the tourists were herded around by the traffic of natives. Something about the city gave her a new kind of freedom. Something about living here empowered her somehow. She wondered if the city had this effect on everyone who lived here. She wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Today, she made her way up to 54th street for a go-see at an agency, and she soaked in the sounds of the afternoon city around her. The warm summer breeze made the ruffles in her beige skirt dance around her hips and thighs as she opened the large glass doors of the agency. The pep in her step slowed slightly as she entered the building, noticing a waiting room packed with gorgeous women. The various perfumes invading her nostrils were enough to make her lightheaded, let alone the daggers of eyes being thrown her way as the summer breeze

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followed her in from outside. She worked her way to the front desk where a pretty blonde girl with a headset sat filing her nails.

“Name?” She asked, popping gum and barely glancing up.

“Alyssa Evans… I have an appointment at…” But before she could finish the blonde interjected. “You all have appointments. Your name will be called when they’re ready for you. Have a seat and fill this out.” As she handed her a clipboard with a size sheet and pen, she still barely made eye contact. After a few moments of stunned silence, Alyssa found a chair in the back of the room next to a brunette with large, curly hair and a dozen bangles clinking up and down her arm. Trying not to be obvious, Alyssa glanced over at the woman’s comp card and her jaw dropped at what she saw. The photos were extremely well done as was her makeup; they were no doubt all done professionally. In one of the pictures, the woman stood on some rooftop, the evening skyline glowing in the background. Alyssa looked down at her own homemade comp card; Polaroid’s taped to photo paper. However unpolished the presentation, she hoped the agent would look beyond the appearance and see how well she could wear a St. John suit or an Yves Saint Laurent ensemble. The room was crowded and hot, so Alyssa used her makeshift comp card as a makeshift fan. The last thing she needed was for her makeup to drip away in the sweaty waiting room before she’d even been seen. _________________

An hour and a half had passed since she walked through the large doors of the agency and there were now only a handful of girls left. The brunette with the noisy bangles had clanked her way in and out of the gosee room so quickly, it made Alyssa wonder why she was even here. If the

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high fashion photography and hair didn’t make the cut, how could she? Alyssa must’ve seen about eighty glamazons strut their way in and out of the building in the last hour, and each one somehow made her feel more insecure than the last.

“Really? Thank you! Thank you so much,” Alyssa started but stopped herself and placed a hand over her mouth. She wasn’t sure if the “no talking” rule still applied, so she just mouthed a ‘thank you’ and made her way to the door.

“Evans, Alyssa Evans,” a name shouted from the doorway across the room, “Taryn is ready to see you now.”

She was elated as she reached the front desk, the gum-chewing blonde seemed less rude now.

Her heart thumped in her chest as she stood and made her way through the sea of empty chairs. She could feel the eyes of the remaining hopefuls on her while she walked. She hoped they couldn’t see her trembling.

The blaring summer sun greeted her smile as she spilled back out onto the busy New York street. Her nerves had calmed now and the pep in her step had returned once she could feel the rays of sunshine beaming onto her face. She was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to get home and tell Logan, call her mom and her sisters. She wanted to skip down that city street and tell every stranger she crossed paths with. Yet somehow she managed to keep cool as she made her way back to the apartment. But with the sun on her face, and her future beaming like a star, she wore that smile with pride for the next couple weeks and had no plans of putting it away.

As she entered the room down the hall, she saw three people sitting at a metal desk eyeing her the way the other models had. A woman, Taryn, was sitting at the center with two men on either side.

“Hi, I’m…”

“No speaking please.” Taryn, with a short bob cut said, holding up a finger. “Turn around.” Alyssa did as she was told.

“You don’t have much experience.” She said flatly.

“I know. I haven’t been trained, but I’m a quick learner and I’m tall, and designer clothes are really the only clothes that fit me, so if you’d just give me a…” Alyssa was blurting almost in desperation. “I said no speaking please.” Taryn said calmly. “You don’t have a lot of experience… But, with that said, I like your photographs. I’d like to see how you look on a professional level.”

Alyssa’s heart pounded steadily in her ears as Taryn continued.

“See Janet at the front desk on your way out. Give her your contact information, and we’ll call you once we have a booking.”

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CHAPTER 8

“Derrick” It was Tuesday and raining as Alyssa pushed her way through a crowd of tourists in the Village. She had become incredibly proficient at dodging her way in and out of the hordes of excited out-of-towners. A month had passed since her meeting with Taryn, and Alyssa had never been busier. This, her eighth shoot this month, was for some designer being featured in the fall at fashion week. The modeling seemed to get easier with each job… Stand here, pose like this, a little more attitude. She had gotten every look down to a science and could always be counted on to give the photographer what he was looking for. She suddenly didn’t want the summer to end. She played with the idea of just staying in Manhattan instead of heading back to Glenview in the fall. Technically, she could, but practicality begged to differ. She found the studio with ease, having modeled here just last week for some magazine spread featuring fall coats. The rude, red-headed receptionist was still just as rude as last Friday, and the studio just as cold as before.

The List of Lies

“C’mon hun, we gotta get you made up,” she said as they disappeared into the dressing room.

An hour had passed and Alyssa now stood on a worn, grey antique chair, a cracked mirror hanging from chains dangled crookedly behind her. Today they put her in a tight-fitting, knee-length plaid skirt, slick black heels, a sleeveless chiffon blouse, and a toile headpiece covering the upper right half of her face. She had no idea who came up with the concept of the shoot, but she gladly placed herself there without question. There were about fifteen people standing around watching the shoot. Occasionally Arielle, the make-up girl would jump in and fix her lips or her blush. Jackson snapped away as Alyssa changed poses in a fluid and elegant manner… She was in her own little world there, posing like it was second nature. Simple as breathing. She wished everyone from Glenview could see her now. Everyone who told her she looked funny, or that she was far too tall, that she’d never make it a foot outside of that town… She had proven them all wrong; standing there, beautiful and elegant in ways people from back home could never understand or imagine. People took her picture and paid her for it… They paid her for her beauty. Yes, Glenview had been so very wrong about her.

A man holding an elaborate camera called out to someone Alyssa couldn’t see.

In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to laugh in all of their faces.

“Talent’s here! C’mon let’s get her into hair and makeup.” He eyed her up and down, then extended his hand, “I’m Jackson, I’ll be shooting you today,” he said, not quite looking her in the eye, but rather eyeing her physique.

_________________

“Alyssa. It’s a pleasure,” she said, breaking the handshake.

Jackson’s assistant rounded the corner swiftly and pulled her by the arm.

The phone was rang as Alyssa opened the apartment door, and she rushed in to answer it. “Hello?”

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“Hey Lys, it’s Logan.” Her brother’s voice boomed on the other end of the line.

“Derrick, this is my sister Alyssa.” Logan said beaming. Derrick stood immediately and shook her hand firmly.

“Hey you, I just walked in the door, what’s up?” she asked.

“Not much, I’ve got a couple hours away from the office, wanna grab some food?” “Sure,” she replied “I just got back from a shoot, so I’m going to jump in the shower first. Where do you wanna eat?” There was a pause on the line. “How about that place we went to a couple of weeks ago across from my building?” “Okay, sure. I’ll see you in about thirty.” Alyssa said, hanging up the phone. _________________

The rain and clouds from earlier had given way to sun and humidity by the time Alyssa made it to the financial district. She thought of just going to lunch with her hair and make-up from the shoot, but for the place she was meeting Logan, it would’ve been far too much blush, and way too much hair to pass for acceptable. Instead, she wore grey sweatpants, her old University tank top, a ball cap and bright red largerimmed sunglasses. She approached the entrance of “Dave’s Burgers” and spotted Logan through the glass… She also spotted a handsome twenty-something man sitting directly across from him. Alyssa walked to the table, pulling off her sunglasses, slightly embarrassed at her appearance. She shot Logan a look, but he pretended not to notice.

“Nice to meet you.” He said smiling.

“Likewise,” Alyssa forced a smile to cover the surprise in her voice. “Logan, I didn’t know that we would be meeting someone,” she hissed through gritted teeth, shooting another sharp glance in Logan’s direction. “I know, I’m sorry,” he started, “but I knew you wouldn’t come if I told you I was trying to set the two of you up!” He laughed. “I’m sorry, what?” Alyssa said, startled. Derrick looked around and then cut in. “Look, your bother was just telling me you were here for the summer and single, and I practically begged him to introduce us… And honestly, I’m very glad he did,” he said, smiling again, “I really don’t understand why a beautiful young lady like yourself would be single in New York City. I mean, you’re absolutely stunning!” “Thank you,” Alyssa began, “And I’m flattered, really… But I’m very busy with my modeling right now, and I’m going back home once fall starts and…” But before she could finish, Derrick pulled out a small business card and handed it to her. It read, Treble Clef Jazz Club: Food, Drinks, Dancing & Jazz. “Look,” Derrick said, “There’s still some time before the summer’s over. Just one date. And if you absolutely hate me at the end of it, we never have to speak again,” he smiled. Alyssa had wanted to go there since she moved to the city, but never seemed to have an opportunity to. This Derrick guy seemed sweet enough. He sure as hell was handsome enough in his three-piece business suit and those deep blue-green eyes… Alyssa eyed the card again. “You can pick me up at eight thirty,” she paused. “But just so you know,

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CHAPTER 9

nothing’s happening on this date. I’m not that kind of girl.”

“The Treble Clef”

“Yeah, I know you aren’t Alyssa,” he said. “I knew that the moment I saw you.”

The jazz club bustled with music and life as Alyssa and Derrick made their way to their table. The atmosphere inside the place was exactly what she had anticipated. A bluesy, jazz singer who sounded like Billie Holiday sang to the club; her voice delicate yet full, filling in the intimate space. The Hostess seated them at a velvet booth placed just a few feet from the dance floor, next to the stage.

“Is this alright?” Derrick’s eyes begged to know.

“It’s perfect,” she smiled “thanks again for bringing me here. It’s lovely.” The night seemed to fly by as Alyssa and Derrick talked about almost everything. He cracked jokes, and playfully touched her knee or shoulder, while she laughed and smiled; brushing her hair out of her face as she made eyes at him. About halfway through the night, as the singer sang the blues, Derrick stood up and reached out his hand.

“Dance with me?”

“If I must.” She replied, smiling coyly as they made their way to the dance floor. Suddenly, Alyssa felt something in her chest that she hadn’t felt since freshman year… A warmth grew almost instantly in her breast as butterflies darted from side to side in her stomach. It was a feeling she tried to stifle because it not only reminded her of the happiest time of her life, but also her very first heartbreak; the first time someone had taken away her joy… A time that made her feel so small. The blues from the stage washed over them as they danced to the melody and held each other close. Alyssa could feel her heart beating quickly as her hands began to shake.

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them.

“Is something wrong?” Derrick’s voice broke the silence between

“Well you took long enough.” She joked, as she walked over to her man.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she whispered. “That’s what scares me.”

“Please, Alyssa you take so long, the rest of the building has to wait a week to get hot water after you’re done.” They both laughed and Alyssa kissed the nape of his neck. His arms wrapped around her waist and he lifted her slightly off the ground, tossing her onto the bed. Their faces inches apart as they explored each other with eager fingers.

Derrick brought his hand up to her face, cupping her cheek in his palm, moving slowly he pulled her lips to his and kissed them softly.

_________________

There was a month left of summer. Derrick and Alyssa had spent almost every waking moment together since the night at the Treble Clef. There really was something about this guy that Alyssa couldn’t resist. She tried for the first week to play hard to get, hoping he might give up and move onto the next girl. Not because she didn’t like him, simply because she was afraid; she was afraid he would wake up one day and grow bored with her the way Stephen had. She was afraid she would start to care for him or need him, and that he’d suddenly find some reason to leave. She was finally doing well for herself and wasn’t sure she could handle a heartbreak right now. But there was still something about him, and so she finally began to let her guard down. She finally let him in. And once she had, she found she was glad she did; his humor and wit were enough to make a woman scream with laughter. His devilish good looks made her melt whenever he showed up at her door… And his kind nature reminded her that maybe there were good men out there; maybe she did deserve a happy ending. Today, Alyssa sat on the window ledge in her bedroom, legs dangling out over the fire escape stories above the street, staring down at the people walking to their various destinations. The sound of running water in the shower stopped and moments later Derrick appeared, a towel wrapped around his waist.

eyes.

“Don’t go back home,” Derrick said, pausing to look her in the

“Babe we’ve talked about this… I don’t wanna go, but I really should go back and try to save some more money.” “I know, but we’re really starting to make something together here and between the both of us, we could scrounge together enough to have a place of our own.” There was silence as Alyssa thought over the idea again. “Give me some time. Let me think about it. If my modeling keeps going well, then maybe,” she said as she kissed his lips again. “Oh, maybe?” Derrick’s smile growing as he rubbed her thigh. “I’ll take a maybe.” “Well you’ll have to.” She said smiling. “Where would you wanna move to?” “I don’t know. We could go anywhere. Stay here in the city, or maybe go crazy and move to California or someplace out west.”

“Out west? What’s out there?” She asked, caressing his face.

“Sunshine and palm trees,” Derrick laughed. “And honestly, I’ve never told anyone this, but I’ve kinda always wanted to try acting.”

Alyssa laughed a little.

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“Acting, really? You don’t strike me as the actor type.”

The List of Lies

CHAPTER 10

“Price”

“Yeah, well I’m full of surprises young lady.” Derrick smiled, kissing her neck. As they lay there together entangled in each other’s bodies, she thought the idea over. Like he said, it was possible. Maybe come fall, they’d be enjoying the sunshine and the mountains and palm trees of California. It was definitely something worth thinking about.

Making her way downtown for the fifth time this week, Alyssa was thrilled at how well her modeling was going. Jackson, the photographer who shot her last five sessions called her up last night for a noon shoot. On the phone he said he’d been working with a new designer who needed ‘the perfect’ model for her high end clothing line. Jackson mentioned Alyssa and the designer was ‘floored’ to have a ‘fresh, clean face to show off the new line.’ Alyssa smiled to herself as she rounded the corner and pushed through the heavy metal door of the studio.

“Hello?” Alyssa said as she entered the cold studio.

There was only silence… The red-headed receptionist wasn’t at her usual post, casting judgmental eyes her way.

“Hello?” She said again, slightly louder than before.

Still no answer.

Finally, she took it upon herself to walk into the main studio space where the shoot was supposed to take place. Still, there was no one in sight.

Suddenly the sound of a door slamming, followed by a subtle ‘click’ echoed throughout the room. Alyssa snapped around to find Jackson standing at the door. “My God!” She gasped, “You scared me. I yelled for someone at the front but didn’t hear anything.” She paused, looking around. “Where is everyone?” She asked finally.

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“We’re all here.” He said, motioning around the room.

Something was wrong.

“What do you mean?” She asked frantically, her heart still racing from the sound of the slamming door. “Where’s the designer and Arielle? The lighting guy?” But Jackson didn’t answer… He only moved a few steps closer. After a moment that felt like an hour, he spoke. “Alyssa. You’re a smart girl who knows she’s sexy… Why do you think a photographer called you late at night for a next day shoot, instead of your agent?” A sly smile crept across his face. out.

“You said there was a designer,” she struggled to get the words

“Alyssa,” his tone had changed and he moved closer, “There’s always a designer, or a fashion spread, or whatever the hell it is you models want… But you can’t be that naïve to think there isn’t a price.” He was now less than three feet away from her and the scent of his cologne made her dizzy. “Price?” She asked, afraid she already knew what he meant; debating whether she could still make it to the door fast enough. “Yeah, a price,” he smiled again. A sick, twisted little grin as he continued. “You know that old saying , ‘you gotta pay the piper?’ Well just think of me as the piper… It’s me you have to pay.” Within seconds he had grabbed her, snatching her close into his arms. Alyssa struggled and squirmed against his rigid embrace.

The List of Lies

“No!” She screamed, “Whatever you think it is I want, I don’t! I don’t want anything that much… Jackson, please stop. Don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!” She tried to scream, but it all seemed to come out like a whisper. Her voice sounded so small and timid then. And after a minute or so of her whisper screams she realized her pleading had fallen on deaf ears. A shock flew up her spine as her back hit the cold concrete floor. Her arms now pinned above her head by just one of Jackson’s massive hands. His other grabbed greedily at her dress, an Yves Saint Laurent she bought just last week; the fabric ripping at the hem as it was shoved up above her thighs. Her delicate panties that were now being torn from her body were then thrown off to the side like a bag of week-old trash. She could hear the clanking of his belt buckle, and the sound of his zipper come undone. This isn’t real, she told herself as he entered her. This isn’t me, she thought, trying to convince herself. And there in that moment, as Jackson continued his angry and violent thrusts, she saw herself as if she were someone else; perhaps a stranger standing in the corner of the room, bearing witness to a crime. She projected herself miles away right then. Maybe sitting in her old room, listening to a record with her sisters. Or perhaps on a stage somewhere singing a good-time song. It was as if she were hovering over herself and thinking how sad this all must look. Her body, like a cage with no more birds or music inside. She understood why it was important to have feelings for a person before you gave yourself to them. She understood why these cages we call bodies needed to have feelings inside of them; because without the feelings it was so awfully sad. It was awfully sad to smash into things and cut up skin… To have sex. They were all just sad things if there was nothing to make sense of them. She was so far away that she could almost ignore the low, dreadful grunts

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sounding in her ear. She could almost ignore the drops of sweat landing on her body from above. Yes, miles and miles away, she could almost pretend the sad, scared girl being raped on this cold concrete floor wasn’t her at all.

from her inner thigh with a shred of her torn designer dress.

Almost.

This was the price, she thought.

Jackson climbed off of her after he had finished.

“Welcome to New York,” he said as he pulled his pants up from around his ankles. “Say a word, and I’ll slit your throat myself ” he warned, as he made his way to the door. “You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. No one’s gonna believe you even if you do say something. You model types are a dime a dozen. Hordes of you bitches flocking to the city with your dreams and bullshit. Wake up Alyssa. Nothing in this world is free. You model girls are fucking stupid.”

With that he left, closing the door behind him.

All she could do was lay there. Stunned. In shock. Uncomfortably numb. She thought about all the things her mother had told her to do in such a situation. Tell them no, scream, fight like hell… And she had tried. Damnit she had tried! But he was too strong or she was too weak and afraid. That same sad little girl she had seen in the reflection of Stephen’s sunglasses on that warm spring day flashed in her mind. Maybe she had sent him the wrong signals; in something she said, or wore? She thought back to the first day she met Jackson, how he had eyed her up and down like an object or a prize. Just a thing. And then it hit her; it all makes sense, she thought to herself as she scrambled to put her torn panties back onto her body. No matter what she did or said, she was doomed from the start. She could’ve dressed like a nun or spoken words of a saint, it just didn’t matter. Jackson would’ve taken what he felt was owed him, regardless. All of the men did that; felt entitled or owed.

She stood now on trembling legs and wiped a stream of crimson

This was the price of being a woman.

_________________

Luckily, Logan wasn’t home when she made her way back uptown to their apartment. She couldn’t bear to see anyone right now. She knew she should call the police, file a report, maybe tell someone. But she just couldn’t bring herself to do it; couldn’t stand the shame or the guilt, or whatever emotion she was feeling that was lodged in her throat. She needed to get the hell out of Manhattan, that was for sure. She needed to get as far away from this place as possible. She couldn’t go back home, not now. Tears filled her eyes as she thought about her mother and what this news would do to her. Someplace out west sounds nice, she thought, already packing some of her things. Summer wasn’t over yet but she didn’t give a damn. She had enough saved from her previous modeling jobs to start over somewhere new. The irony was almost devastating. She was beside herself as she scrambled around the room, yanking things from her closet and packing anything within reach. She felt disgusting. Bile rose in her throat as thoughts of what just happened flooded her mind. Suddenly running into the bathroom, she could not reach the toilet fast enough as the contents of her stomach expelled themselves from her

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mouth, while tears blurred her vision. After throwing up everything but her pain, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and stumbled over to the shower. She turned it on as hot as she could stand it. She wanted to burn his smell off of her body. She wanted to erase his scars from her history. She scrubbed herself as hard as she could, rubbing the skin raw until she folded in half in the tub, sobbing harder than she ever had before. She lost all sense of time and did not notice that the water had turned cold as ice as she sat curled up on the floor of the tub. How could any human being recover from this? She thought. How do you survive such a thing? How does a person stop feeling like a used up ragdoll, torn and ripped at the seams, tossed out into the rain?

She had no answers. Only the pain. Only his stench and her scars.

She had nothing. _________________

The silence in the apartment was shattered by the ringing telephone in the kitchen. Alyssa was all packed. A note on the fridge told her Logan had gone out of town with friends. She wanted to get out before he got back; she could come up with an explanation later.

“Hello?” It was Derrick.

“Hi.” She said plainly.

“Where are you going?” Derrick asked.

“Someplace out west. I have to do this. I have to leave now.” Her voice growing frantic. “Okay…” There was silence, then, “But I’m going with you. I’ll get us two tickets to LA. Just say yes. I won’t take no for an answer,” he sounded hopeful. She thought about saying no, just hanging up. But the word no didn’t mean much these days, and what would it matter if she said yes or no? He was coming and she knew it, and today she couldn’t stand another man telling her yes when she had said no.

“That’s fine.” She said, and hung up the phone.

“I’m leaving New York.”

“Right now?” He sounded confused.

“Tomorrow,” again plainly.

“Where are you going?” Derrick asked.

“Hey doll, I just wanted to call to say I’ve been missing you today,” his cheerful tone of voice only seemed to add to the pain. She could only think of one thing to say.

She thought about saying no, just hanging up. But the word no didn’t mean much these days, and what would it matter if she said yes or no? He was coming and she knew it, and today she couldn’t stand another man telling her yes when she had said no.

“I’m leaving New York.”

“Right now?” He sounded confused.

“Tomorrow,” again plainly.

“That’s fine.” She said, and hung up the phone.

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The List of Lies

Chapter 11

“Los Angeles” It was the middle of September and the Santa Ana’s blew in violently through the valley, kicking up dust and smog, all of it wrought with memories and regret. It had been two months since Derrick and Alyssa arrived in Los Angeles, and she could feel him pulling away. He picked up acting within the first few weeks of arriving, and had changed ever since. She still hadn’t told him about the rape. She was afraid he’d be angry with her and then be on the first flight back to New York to kill Jackson. She didn’t want to be responsible for a murder. It took them a while to find the right apartment, so in the meantime they stayed with friends; couch surfing, and sleeping in separate beds. The sad part was that Alyssa didn’t really mind. She enjoyed the distance of bodies and space, found comfort in being alone so soon after the catalyst for her move. Derrick however didn’t seem to notice really; he was so busy running to auditions and classes and tanning salons. The situation had become a recipe for disaster, and disaster loomed closer with each passing day.

Part Two:

“Learning to Live”

Today, they had finally moved into their own place. Derrick didn’t have a degree or a job, or decent credit, so the apartment was fully in Alyssa’s name. Again, she didn’t mind. She didn’t mind much of anything these days. The apathy began growing inside her like a rough, jagged stone the day she left New York. Maybe she would tell Derrick, she thought, staring out the window at traffic crawling by on La Brea. Maybe it would be better not to keep all of this inside. “Hey hun,” she called to him from across the apartment. He was in the kitchen putting away plates.

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room.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He asked, rounding the corner into the living

“Can we talk for a second?” She asked, the tears already forming in her eyes. She described the event that sparked her sudden need to leave New York.

The List of Lies

but don’t call me stupid, because that’s exactly what that bastard called me after he raped me and left me lying naked and bleeding on the fucking floor.” Her face was red hot as she stormed out of the apartment. Derrick didn’t follow her.

_________________

He didn’t respond the way she had anticipated; instead he just sat there, not speaking. Not angry or sad, just contemplative.

“Please, say something.” She said, putting her arm on his knee.

“I’m not sure what to say.” He seemed to be looking everywhere except her face. “I guess, I’m just not sure why you waited so long to tell me.” And yet, he still didn’t seem concerned. “I haven’t told anyone. It’s not the kind of thing I wanted to broadcast.” She said.

“You didn’t call the cops?” Now he was angry.

“No! I couldn’t. He threatened to kill me. Besides, who would’ve believed an aspiring model over a prominent photographer?” She had to stop herself from screaming. “Alyssa, that was stupid. You should’ve gone to the fucking cops.” He swore a word that caught her off guard. He stood now.

“Don’t do that,” she started, “don’t call me stupid.”

“Why not?” He asked, “It was pretty stupid to just let the guy get away with it.”

It was 8pm and the table was immaculately set for two; a single red rose in a vase next to two white candles were placed delicately at the center, with the two cakes on either side. Derrick would be home any minute. She lit the candles on both cakes and made her way to the kitchen to grab the bottle of champagne she had chilling there. After she poured two glasses, she took a seat at the table in her tight-fitting couture dress and waited for Derrick to get home.

Now she couldn’t help but scream.

“I didn’t know what else to do! I was ashamed and scared and falling apart! I did the only thing I knew how to do. So be pissed, be angry,

By midnight, the silence had overwhelmed her and she cleared the table; put the food in the fridge, threw out the flower. The candles on both cakes had melted as far down as they could and Alyssa hadn’t stopped them… She just let the wax drip into a puddle on the surface, like a pool of water forming in the road after a storm.

Derrick wasn’t coming home.

She fought back the tears she could feel forming in her eyes as she made her way down the hallway to their bedroom. She knew they had fought, but it was still her birthday, Derrick no doubt knew that. She had wanted so badly to surprise him and fix the things they had said the night before. But she was slowly learning that life didn’t seem to care what it was you wanted, just gave you what it thought you deserved. Life just went about its business, and didn’t give a damn about your happiness.

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Her sadness turned into exhaustion as she lay down on her pillow, her tears falling now and soaking into the fabric. For about an hour she lay there crying, her couture evening gown wasted on the sad scene, until finally she fell asleep.

_________________

Three days had passed since their argument and she had yet to see Derrick. Her sadness faded after the first day of waiting and had now transitioned into anger. Where the hell was he? Where was he staying? Why the hell wasn’t he home? She was lying on the couch watching an infomercial when she heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. She bolted upright as Derrick entered the room.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“I had to get out of the apartment,” he said, almost too relaxed.

“For three days Derrick? You had to get out for three days? I came home after our fight and I cooked a huge dinner, got you a cake. I waited for hours for you to come home!” Her voice sounded quieter than she felt.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve called.”

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“Look Alyssa I said I’m sorry… Happy Birthday.” His voice still low and seemingly uninterested.

“It’s a little late, don’t you think?”

Derrick moved over to the couch and sat down, putting his hands up to his head.

“Alyssa, we need to talk.” He said, finally showing some emotion.

“Yeah I think we do.”

“No, I mean we need to…” His voice growing agitated, “I just… I can’t do this Alyssa. I thought I could but I’m just not ready for this.”

She sat there for a moment confused.

“Is this because of Jackson, because of what he did? We can work through all of that Derrick.” “No, I’ve been thinking it since we moved to LA. The Jackson thing is shitty and I’m sorry it happened to you. But if I’m going to be an actor, and really give this career all I’ve got, I don’t think I can be tied down… This relationship is just… I just can’t do it anymore. It’s too much.” He said, sounding more like a businessman than a boyfriend.

“Wait, you’re actually breaking up with me?” She was shocked.

“I guess that’s what this is Alyssa. Look, we both deserve something different than this. It just isn’t working anymore.” She felt a brick growing heavy in her chest. She felt the same thing she felt that day in Stephen’s convertible staring at his hickey.

Silence.

“Yeah! Or left a note, something… I had a great little birthday sitting by myself for hours at a table set for two. Thanks for that, by the way.” She blurted sarcastically.

“No. You can’t do this to me. Don’t I get a say in any of this? We just moved out here, I don’t know anyone here, you’re all I have Derrick.” She was trying hard not to beg.

“That’s part of it Alyssa, it’s time you started standing on your

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Wifely Duties The List of Lies

own. You’re a strong woman; you don’t need me to be okay. It’ll be better this way.” She couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be happening again. Not another disappointment, not another heartbreak. Her stomach grew ill and she ran for the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time, throwing up everything but her pain. What would she do? Thousands of miles away from home, having just signed a brand new lease, what could she do? She wiped her mouth and made her way over to the sink, splashing her face with cold water. She didn’t dare look at her reflection, knowing already what she’d find there. She walked back out into the living room where Derrick still sat. “Where have you been staying this week?” She asked, tears streaming down her face involuntarily.

“That’s not important here Lyssa.” He avoided her eyes.

“Where have you been staying?” She screamed.

“It’s really not important, but if you must know I was staying with a friend from my acting class. Her name’s Joan.”

“Did you sleep with her?” She asked through gritted teeth. He didn’t respond.

“I said, did you screw her? I wanna hear you say it.”

“Damnit Alyssa why are you doing this? Yes. We had sex! After the argument I was upset, what did you expect me to do?” He didn’t even seem sorry. “Get out.” She screamed as she pointed to the door. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

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and she melted to the floor in a heap.

CHAPTER 12

“All Who Are Weary” The seagulls flew in circles overhead as she looked out over the ocean at the Santa Monica Pier. Thinking back on her life so far, Alyssa wondered why she ever left home in the first place. She had a loving family, nice friends, a quaint hometown. What she once couldn’t stand about home now seemed like reason enough to move back. But something deep inside made her squash any hope she had of returning to that place she called home. Maybe it was the embarrassment of a failed life or the shame of having fallen victim to a man she couldn’t escape… Whatever it was, Alyssa knew she couldn’t bear to look her mother in the eyes and tell her all that had happened. Alyssa was realizing with each passing day that there were certain things in a woman’s life, secrets and truths that were never meant to be shared. There were some things a woman just had to deal with in the dark, some things that could never be spoken. Maybe it would make her stronger in the end. She prayed to God that it would. Three weeks passed slowly after Derrick left. Adding insult to injury, she had seen his face on her television this week, smiling for some toothpaste commercial. The smile he used to wear just for her. She chuckled to herself as she wrapped her sweater tight around her body. How cheap people and emotions could be, she thought. You could think you loved someone and that they loved you, but all it took were a few words misplaced… A few grievances unspoken, and just as soon as you had loved them, they could turn and walk out the door. It was all so cheap and unfortunate. She didn’t want to be bitter, but life was making it difficult to be anything but.

Derrick stood, grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the apartment. The sound of the slamming door hit Alyssa like a ton of bricks,

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The church on the corner of Wilshire and Santa Monica Boulevards gleamed brightly in the pale fall sun as Alyssa walked past. These days she found herself walking around the city aimlessly, tears stinging her eyes. She resorted to walking because crying and driving just didn’t seem fair to pedestrians. She was looking for the Beverly Hills Country Club, but couldn’t seem to walk by this church unaffected. Something urged her to go inside. As she entered the large cathedral, she heard the booming voice of a black preacher speaking about salvation. She glanced around the pews, noticing a mix of ethnicities piled into the elegant church; Whites, Blacks, Hispanics, Middle Easterners, Asians. She found an empty seat near the back of the crowded church and settled in. Her mother used to take all of the kids to church every Sunday and Alyssa used to sing in the children’s choir, but it had been years since she had actually been to church. She was baptized as a teenager and assumed she was already saved and that there was no need to make the pilgrimage every Sunday. The small church back home always seemed to drag on and on without end. Numerous times she would get in trouble for falling asleep mid-sermon. But today on Wilshire Boulevard, the preacher spoke with enthusiasm and urgency as the congregation shouted back words of praise. It startled her at first; back home the congregation sat quietly, maybe sang a slow hymn or two, and reserved any type of vocal participation for saying ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer. Not this church. “Church family, God indeed has a plan for you. He woke you up this morning, and sent you on your way. He has ordered your steps brothers and sisters so that your steps might lead you to salvation.” The man at the pulpit spoke in syncopated rhythms, his voice sounding like a beautifully played instrument.

“Now congregation, God didn’t say it would be easy… But he

The List of Lies

promised to be there every step of the way. ‘For I will never leave you, nor forsake you.’” “Praise God!” A woman at the front of the church shouted, standing to her feet. “God wants you to succeed! He’s your biggest fan. When you feel like you can’t go on… When everyone in your life turns away from you… When you feel like all your hope, all your joy is gone. God says ‘Come unto me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.’ Now that is a beautiful promise. Can I get an Amen?” The congregation stood and clapped, shouting words of praise to the pulpit. A piano began to play a slow and steady song as a soloist from the choir stepped forward to sing. Her voice smooth and light as she sang the sacred words. “Bring what hurts, bring your scars.” It wasn’t until the woman next to her placed a hand on her shoulder that Alyssa realized she was crying. She thought about all of the scars she had been carrying all these months. She wondered if maybe God could heal them the way Jesus had healed the blind. She felt like damaged goods, tossed out with the garbage, waiting to be taken to the dump. But somehow, here in this cathedral, she felt hope. She felt like maybe the pain wasn’t as endless as it seemed. After the service, Alyssa made her way to the exit following the flow of traffic down the center aisle. The preacher from the pulpit was standing at the door, shaking hands and greeting the parishioners as they left. “God loves you, child.” He said, shaking Alyssa’s hand. She couldn’t resist hugging the man. “You come back now.” He said as they ended their embrace. Alyssa had a feeling she would.

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

CHAPTER 13

“Paul” The next week, Alyssa found herself again in the church on Wilshire, singing praises and soaking in the promises of God as told by the preacher. She learned his name was Reverend Matthews, and boy did he know how to preach. The church was so large that each Sunday, there were three services to accommodate the vast plethora of guests coming to hear the word. Alyssa sat through all three in the fifth row, gaze fixed on the preacher, hand raised towards Heaven. She loved the way Reverend Matthews talked about God; his God wasn’t the same scary, violent God she learned about as a child. His God was loving and comforting, just waiting for a chance to show His children the unconditional love He had for them. Reverend Matthews’ God made her feel like maybe she could be loved, maybe she even deserved it. The God Reverend Matthews talked about somehow gave her the strength to get out of bed in the morning. After the third service ended, Alyssa made her way to the exit, hugging the Reverend for the third time today. He didn’t ask just why she had been there all morning; instead he greeted her gaze with a warm smile and hugged her just the same. As she made her way out of the church, she smiled at the other parishioners who waved and wished her a ‘Blessed day.’ She was thinking about what she might eat for lunch as she backed her car out of the cramped parking space when suddenly there was a loud ‘crunch’ and her car jolted to a stop. She quickly rushed out of the car. “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! I didn’t see you there.” Shock turning to panic as she realized she just backed into a brand new RollsRoyce.

“It’s fine, It’s just a dent.” Said the man she ran into.

“Yeah, tell that to my insurance company,” she feigned a joke

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while surveying the damage. “Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure I can afford to touch a Rolls-Royce let alone put a dent in one.” The man moved closer and Alyssa finally looked at him. He was tall, about 6’2 with a muscular build. His face was tan and round, his features not really her type, but still easy on the eyes. Then she realized he was wearing a military uniform. “Oh great, just arrest me now!” She said, offering her hands up as if he were about to handcuff them. He laughed. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure I can handle it. I’m Paul Gallagher.” he said stretching out his hand. “I’m extremely embarrassed and sorry,” she joked shaking Paul’s hand. “I’m Alyssa Evans.”

“It’s a pleasure,” Paul said kissing her hand.

“Do you go to church here?” She asked.

“Yes ma’am I do, been coming here for about five years now.”

“It’s my second week,” she blushed.

“So you’re new, that’s great,” he paused watching her hair blow in the crisp LA breeze, “I have an idea… How about you let me take you to dinner tomorrow night and in return I won’t haul you down to the base for questioning,” he joked. “It’s really the least you could do.” He may not have been her type, but a God-fearing man driving a Mercedes and offering dinner in return for her hitting his car seemed like nothing short of a sign from the Heavens. “Sure.” She said smiling as she jotted down her address on the sermon program.

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The List of Lies

“Alright, I’ll pick you up at seven.”

When Paul said he would pick her up at seven, she assumed that he would show up in his car, ring the doorbell and off they’d go. However, once seven rolled around her doorbell rang but it wasn’t Paul at the door. Instead, there stood a man dressed in a suit wearing white gloves who escorted her to the front of her building where there, sitting curbside was a shiny black limousine. Her heart pounded at the extravagance. She sat in the cab of the limo on her way to the restaurant sipping the chilled champagne from the onboard bar that had a note from Paul saying to help herself. Who is this guy? She thought as the limousine slowed to a stop outside “Dolce”, a five star award-winning restaurant off of Rodeo Drive. The driver came around and opened her door, extended a hand to help her out of the luxurious stretch and suddenly, there stood Paul. Dressed impeccably well in what was no doubt a custom designer suit, silk tie and gold cuff links. Something told Alyssa this man would go all out, so luckily she matched his elegance in her navy blue Dior evening dress. “There’s the lady of the hour. Shall we?” Paul said as he escorted her into the restaurant. There was a cozy booth prepared for them a little bit away from the noise and crowd in the main dining room. The French menu confused her slightly, so Paul ordered for her. The conversation that night was slightly dry but pleasing; Paul had a way of guiding the conversation and all she had to do was hang on for the ride. These days she didn’t mind being a passive observer to her life. In New York, she would’ve led the conversation, asked a ton of questions, or sought to make a deep connection. But the breakup and the superficiality of Los Angeles somehow made her comfortable with skimming the surface of conversation. She didn’t need to know his deepest regrets or what helped him get out of bed in the morning. All she needed to know was that here was a man who seemed interested in her, a man who didn’t seem to mind that her soft-spoken sentences barely escaped from her mouth. Paul was pleasant and kind.

Chapter 14

“Breakfast in Bed” It was Christmastime in Los Angeles although the weather felt like June. The weeks following their first date had flown by the way Alyssa expected them to. She was noticing a pattern here; time crawled by like a slug on the sidewalk when she was single and lonely, yet flew quickly like a comet across the night sky when she was dating someone. It was odd, she thought, but honestly didn’t care. She wanted time to move quickly, she wanted it to usher her as far away from that New York studio floor as possible. They said time heals all wounds, and she hoped to God it was true. In the meantime there was this man who was genuine and thoughtful, a man who made her feel valuable and wanted. After the rape, something had changed in Alyssa. Something she once knew about herself, she slowly forgot. Now, she just felt lucky that someone of Paul’s caliber would even look her way. He was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army having served for over fifteen years, and worked extensively with nonprofit charity organizations. Yes he was significantly older than her, but she was realizing he was far more mature and stable than any of the men she had been dating. She needed stability now more than ever; miles from home, all alone and trying her hardest to survive. Paul offered that stability. Over the last couple of months, he had spared no expense, offered to pay for everything. Even when she tried to pay, he would quickly protest. Up until she moved to LA, she had tried desperately to be independent, to make things work all on her own. She took pride in that, but she had to admit it was nice not to have to worry about a thing. It was comfortable.

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

The List of Lies

These days she watched her life as if it were a movie playing across a screen. No matter how hard she tried to maintain the Alyssa she knew, she found it easier to sit back and watch like an outsider, just going with the flow.

She gasped, almost choking on the food still in her mouth. Paul appeared at the door.

Things with Paul were getting serious and while she wasn’t sure she loved him, he loved her and she wasn’t sure anyone else would. How could they? She was pretty, yes. But apparently naive and vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. I’m lucky, she thought. Lucky that anyone could love the mess she’d become.

“Oh my… Paul… Oh my God, I didn’t even…” She was speechless. She hadn’t given any thought whatsoever to marriage, especially not after dating for two and a half months. She was only 22, she couldn’t possibly get married.

_________________ She awoke that morning in, Paul’s bed, to the sweet smell of pancakes and eggs. “Good morning gorgeous,” Paul said, holding a tray of food and a cup of coffee. “Morning,” she smiled, “You didn’t have to make me breakfast in bed! You’re so sweet.” “I wanted to. Besides, we’ve got some stuff to do later today and I wanted to make sure you’re well rested and fed. So eat it all, get dressed and meet me downstairs when you’re ready.” He said, leaving the bedroom and closing the door behind him. The food was delicious, and her stomach was pleased as she ploughed her way through the meal. She poured some more syrup on the last few bites of pancake and gobbled it up, washing it down with the coffee. Noticing something peculiar on the plate, she moved the eggs with her fork, and tried to wipe away the smudges of syrup. There, in gold lettering, just beneath the eggs read “Alyssa my beautiful, Will You Marry me?”

“Well?” He smiled.

But then she heard that little voice nagging in the back of her head. She was damaged goods. Who would want her now? This might be her only chance at a happy ending. She couldn’t risk being alone her whole life. She imagined the rest of her life passing by the same way her single days did, slow and dreadful, each day harder than the last. Now was her chance at happiness. She could learn to love Paul. “Yes!” She exclaimed after swallowing the food in her mouth. Paul rushed over to her side of the bed and knelt down revealing a large, gorgeous three stone diamond ring. Alyssa had never seen anything so beautiful in her life.

_________________

The calls came quickly in the days after she made the call to her mother back at home. Victoria Evans was suspicious of the rushed plan for nuptials, but after Alyssa promised she was happy and told her of Paul’s personality and credentials, she reluctantly gave her blessing. She was upset that she still hadn’t met the man who proposed to her daughter. It didn’t really hit Alyssa that she was going to get married until they started receiving calls from the newspapers. With Paul being a decorated Lieutenant Colonel in the Army, he was very much in the public eye for his work within the military as well as his accomplishments

Wifely Duties

Wifely Duties The List of Lies

with various Non-Profit Organizations. Dozens of different organizations and reporters had called to clarify the big news. It was all exciting and somewhat scary for Alyssa, to be thrust so suddenly into the public eye because of her soon-to-be husband. But all considered, for the first time in a long time, she actually felt like things might turn out okay. Paul wanted a huge wedding; the entirety of both of their families would descend upon St. Mary of the Angels Church near Chicago and Alyssa’s hometown for the elaborate ceremony. It would be the wedding little girls dreamed about, no expense was to be spared. The plan was to arrive in Illinois just after the New Year, have the rehearsal dinner on the night of the 3rd and the wedding at 10am on the morning of the 4th. Paul insisted the press be there for the nuptials, said it would bring great attention to the both of them, and that a marriage would look great to the public… Killing two birds with one stone, he said. The New Year was coming up quickly, and there was still so much to do, so Paul hired them a wedding planner to take care of all the details. The woman’s name was Melinda, and while she was extremely talented at what she did, Alyssa felt she was a little too pushy when it came to making decisions. “Well, I’d really love Gerber daisies throughout the church, they’re my favorite flower!” Alyssa said for the third time today.

Melinda sighed heavily.

“Yes, I understand, but wouldn’t you just love something a bit… A bit more classic? Just remember this is going to be a high profile wedding and all of these decisions will reflect you and Paul’s love for each other. Gerber daisies are a bit too informal in my opinion. Red roses would definitely be the way to go, and we can throw in hints of lavender with Dahlia flowers spread throughout. Can’t you see it now? How gorgeous it will be?” Melinda was pushing hard for those damned roses.

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get a cup of coffee. As she poured the dark and warm liquid, her heart skipped a beat as the inevitability of the ceremony weighed on her. Each day that the wedding grew closer, she found herself nervous at the seriousness of the decision. Was this all happening too fast? She couldn’t be sure.

“What about tulips?” Melinda was calling from the living room.

“What?” “Tulips are just lovely, we should look into those!” Melinda clapped her hands together like she was cheering for a team who just scored a touchdown. Alyssa couldn’t help but roll her eyes at how insufferable this woman was. Luckily Melinda didn’t see her. Besides, Alyssa had to wrap this up anyway, Paul would be home soon and she wanted to get a start on dinner. He just loved her cooking, and it became a sort of routine that she’d have dinner ready for him by the time he got home. “You know Melinda, I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do today, so why don’t we just meet again tomorrow and we can discuss how we can work Gerber daisies into your arrangements, okay?” Alyssa said, wondering how this woman couldn’t pick up on how annoyed she was. “Oh that would be just fine. I’ll also have Vivian bring over some samples for wedding cakes! How exciting!” Finally, Alyssa walked her to the door and closed it behind her. She just wanted this wedding over with already. She wasn’t sure how many more days like this she could stand. With New Years just a week away, she was thankful she didn’t have much longer to wait.

“I’m sure it would be lovely… But I’d still like to see Gerber Daisies somewhere ‘thrown in’.” Alyssa feigned politeness as she got up to

Wifely Duties The List of Lies Follow the story of Alyssa Evans; a young, aspiring model/singer born and raised in America’s Heartland. In search of love, happiness, and a life she could call her own… Raised by an astute school teacher, and youngest of four siblings, Alyssa begins her journey filled with love, support, and hope for the future. However, she quickly learns that her small town upbringing has left her ill prepared for the dangers and realities of the world. Beginning with her first year in college, the story chronicles not only the inner moments of a young girl stumbling into self-discovery, but also the relationships and the men which lead her to settle for less than she’s worth. …Enter Paul Gallagher, a world-renown military official, prepared to sweep Alyssa off of her feet and make her dreams of love and family come true… It begins almost like a fairytale, Paul seems genuine and kind. But a dark secret from her past clouds her self-worth... Feeling as though no one else could possibly love her and believing she had found as close to “Happily Ever After” as she could, they marry. It is here that the story takes a tragic turn for the worse. What Alyssa finds not only devastates her, but makes her fear for her life. Paul changes suddenly, he seeks to control her every move and attempts to turn her into a prized trophy wife. Responding to any resistance with violence and an age-old list of duties passed down through the generations, detailing what “good wives” are required to do. Beat down, battered and broken, Alyssa becomes a mere shell of the woman she once was; becoming enveloped in a seemingly endless darkness with no hope of escape. She wrestles with the question: Where is the line drawn between a loving relationship of service and devotion to ones’ partner and the twisted violence and Wifely Duties she’s found herself entrapped by? Escape eventually becomes necessary for her survival. But how does a woman escape an evil with a grip tighter than the strength she has with which to fight it? How can there be any hope of freedom when all she’s known are chains? What begins as an innocent coming of age story slowly ferments into a dark and twisted tale… An intoxicating tale of abuse and betrayal that will leave readers begging for triumph and rooting wildly for Alyssa. Based on a true story and filled with twists and turns at every corner, Wifely Duties is a powerful commentary on what it means to be a wife, but more-so, what it means to be a woman. It is one woman’s struggle to maintain her voice and her light in the darkest of situations. It is one woman’s story of love, discovery, and ultimately… Deliverance “Beautifully written, heart wrenching and necessary!”

Joyce Randall Los Angeles, CA

“This is an extremely powerful novel. It kept me glued to the pages like a magnet. The writing style changes and grows along with the main character, which keeps us invested in her story.” K. Daniel from Washington DC Metro “Every woman should read this tragically beautiful story. And every man for that matter! This book reminds men and women alike of the power that lies within every human being to overcome seemingly impossible circumstances.” W. Paige Atlanta, GA

Forester & Cohen Publishing, LLC