Family Matters December-February 2018

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Rewards of a

LASTING MARRIAGE Ready to ADOPT A CHILD? 8 Resolutions for SPIRITUAL GROWTH

PARENTS’

GUIDE TO THE

3 GROWTH STAGES

The Magazine for the Filipino Family

Contents Volume 5 • Number 3 | December 2017 - February 2018

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8 25

38 47

IN EVERY ISSUE

SPECIAL SECTION

YOUTH TALK

2 HOMEWORK

THE STAGES OF GROWTH

34 CHOOSING

The Stages of Parenting

25 Parenting in the First 7 Years

Teacher Ram’s Winning Ways

4 FAMILY NOTE

28 Parenting Tweens and

38 VALUING

Cold Days, Warm Hearts

6 FRAMEABLE New Year… New Beginning

Younger Teens

Why We Treasure Traditions

31 Parenting Older Teens

41 GROWING

and Young Adults

8 New Year’s Resolutions for the Soul

PARENTS’ CORNER

44 CELEBRATING

8 RELATING

Rituals Worth Keeping

For Keeps

12 BALANCING

47 STARRING Maymay Entrata’s ‘I Can’ Motto

The Right Mix

14 PROTECTING Going Solo

17 PARENTING Children of Love

20 PREVENTING Hale and Hearty Holidays!

About the Cover Arnold and Yolly Abalos celebrated their 25th Wedding Anniversary in 2016. They are blessed with four loving children: (counterclockwise from mommy Yolly’s side) Anneliese with baby Adam and her husband Weshley; only son Benjamin IV; second daughter Ma. Angelica; and youngest daughter Andrea.

The Stages of

By FR. BERNARD P. NOLASCO, SDB

Parenting

Parents must continue to improve and adapt to the changes that come as children grow up. Parenting is a lifetime process. No parent can ever claim that he/she has learned everything one needs to know about parenting. Parenting develops as the parents themselves develop. Inasmuch as each person matures both in age and in experience, inasmuch as each person continues to change either for the better or for the worse, so too does parenting. Parenting is a work in progress. Inasmuch as parenting deals with unique individuals (children), the learnings it offers parents are endless. Even if parents attend seminars and workshops, it is a totally different “workshop” when parents start to deal with their children and with themselves as well. Let’s face it. Parenting must grow along as the children grow. If the manner of parenting a school-age child and an older adolescent remains the same, then expect a crisis in the relationship between parents and their children. Remember the wise old saying: Not to progress is to regress.

NEVER STATIC As the children grow older, so too must the parents. From young adulthood to midlife transition to late adulthood, parents will see themselves undergoing physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional changes. There is no stopping this natural course of development. Oh yes, it 2

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

is a development!!! For one to remain an “adolescent” even if already in his/her forties is definitely not development. Whether one likes it or not, one either progresses or regresses. Nobody can stay the same. The same can be said of parenting. It cannot remain the same today or tomorrow as it was yesterday. Serious and responsible parents are always ready to face the challenges of parenting at the different stages of their growth and of their children’s. The common problem or difficulty parents encounter in trying to learn how to respond to their and their children’s changes from one stage of growth to another is finding that they themselves are inadequate, or simply unprepared. The beginning stages of growth are very crucial. Here, if the foundation of family values and traditions is built, the rest will follow. And for me, parents should ensure these values and traditions are already in place in the home environment even before the first child is born. Values like respect, for example, begin with the couple enjoying mutual respect. Religious traditions like praying together begin with the couple appreciating the value of prayer in their relationship. When guided by these values and traditions, couples can see how they can mutually understand and accept each other’s growth and consequent changes as their relationship as husband and wife matures. Then the journey with their growing children will eventually follow.

HOMEWORK

Parents must not negatively view their children’s changing behavior as a threat, but see it positively as an opportunity to level up their own style of parenting. LEVELING UP

RESPECTING EACH OTHER I always believe that parenting is best when couples constantly learn about and appreciate their own individual uniqueness and consciously choose to grow with it rather than oppose or deny it. When couples enjoy their life together as a journey from one stage of life to another, bearing with each other’s pace of growth, graciously celebrating progress and patiently understanding regress, and being open to new learnings and discoveries, they will likewise relate with their children with the same disposition. The couple make themselves aware right from the very beginning that their parenting develops along with their children’s holistic development. The degree of parental supervision and guidance diminishes as their children advance in their age development. Parents need to understand their children’s changes in behavior and preferences going from one stage of growth to another. One of the best ways parents can do this is to recall their own past experiences in the stage of growth that their children are undergoing at present. There will be times when children will disagree with their parents, not as an act of disrespect or disobedience but simply because they are experiencing some inner struggle. There will be times when children no longer act the same way towards their parents. Their children begin to prefer being with their friends more than with their family. Their children begin to be more “secretive” and to seek more privacy. Their children no longer tell them about their day-to-day activities. Their children begin to argue with them or to reason out.

Parents must not negatively view their children’s changing behavior as a threat, but see it positively as an opportunity to level up their own style of parenting. Without compromising values and family traditions, parents should learn how to meet their children’s growing maturity. To maintain their place and their role in the lives of their children, parents must learn how to reach out to their children and win their trust and confidence. Otherwise, their children will look for other people to trust and to confide in. Parents must encourage dialogue even if they already have fixed values they want their children to learn and live. Engaging in healthy conversations rather than destructive arguments is the best way to let values grow in your children as they go through the maturing process. Children feel a sense of importance when their parents listen to them without judgment; when their parents understand them without giving in to all of their demands; when their parents respect their uniqueness as much as they respect their spouse’s uniqueness. As a kind of homework for parents, I highly encourage them to make their own personal research about the different stages of growth, especially those where their children are currently and how to make the most of these stages. Parents also must likewise learn more about their own stage of growth and how they can make the most of it. Nobody stops growing and learning. My conviction tells me that the best adults to accompany young people on their journey are those adults who know how to accompany themselves. Remember, we can only give what we have. Only when parents learn to see the changes in themselves as opportunities to become better persons can their children be inspired to see their own changes as opportunities to improve. Together, parents and children find strength in each other as they face the challenges of growing older. FM December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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FAMILY NOTE Volume 5 | Number 3 December 2017- February 2018 PUBLISHER Don Bosco Press, Inc.

ROMELDA C. ASCUTIA Editor

rascutia888@gmail.com

ADVISER Fr. Bernard P. Nolasco, SDB EDITOR Romelda C. Ascutia

Cold Days, Warm Hearts

I

t’s chilly outside but you’re feeling all tender and fuzzy inside. This can only mean one thing: Christmas is here! Children everywhere must all have caught the holiday fever by now, and why not? After all, the Yuletide season is the happiest and brightest time of the year, when food and drinks overflow, gifts pile up under the Christmas tree, and ninong and ninang bring aguinaldo to their inaanak come Christmas Day. However, is this just what Christmastime is all about—festive dining and gifts galore? Not that we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves during this season, of course; but as Christian parents, we must also not forget our responsibility to ensure that our children understand the real reason for Christmas—celebrating the birth of the Child Jesus. And one way to do this is to start creating holiday family traditions. These rituals that play out in our homes each year are important for several reasons, among them to strengthen family ties and infuse a sharing and grateful attitude in our children while they are still young. On pages 38-40 and 44-46, find out how family traditions can help forge strong bonds, build great memories, and promote empathy and compassion toward others, and how the young can do their part in keeping this noble legacy alive in the future. Meanwhile, for our Special Section, we focus on the different stages of growth and how parents can shepherd their children wisely as the young move from babyhood all the way to adulthood. And as parents, it’s vital to remember that we, too, must grow along with them, adjusting our parenting approach so that it is the most effective and age-appropriate for that particular developmental stage. Starting on page 24, let’s explore how parenting should evolve as we raise 0- to 7-year-olds, tweens and younger teens, and older teens and young adults. There are many more heartwarming feature articles in this issue to give you hope, encouragement, and a positive outlook as we welcome the New Year. Take inspiration from our stories touching on child adoption, the rewards of long-term commitment, and the outstanding accomplishments of a Don Bosco-schooled teacher in New York who is making all Filipinos proud. And finally, from everyone here at Family Matters: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (and advance Happy Valentine’s Day, too) to all!

ART DIRECTOR Early Macabales CONTRIBUTORS Maridol Rañoa-Bismark Aileen Carreon Erica Cai Cortez Rolando C. delos Reyes II, MA Ed, RGC Excel V. Dyquiangco Gabriel Joshua M. Floresca Ruth Manimtim-Floresca Annabellie Gruenberg Stephanie Mayo Ross Valentin, M.D. DBPI-MMS PHOTOGRAPHER Raymond S. Mamaril PRODUCTION MANAGER Early Macabales CIRCULATION Don Bosco Press, Inc. PRODUCT SPECIALIST Jino Feliciano HAIR & MAKEUP ARTIST Ranilo D. Gabor LEGAL COUNSEL Sapalo Velez Bundang & Bulilan Law Offices PRINTER

is a quarterly magazine published by Don Bosco Press, Inc. (02) 816-1519 / (02) 893-9876 Antonio Arnaiz cor. Chino Roces Avenues, Makati City, Philippines Copyright 2017 by Don Bosco Press, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without permission from the publisher.

Tell us what you think! Your news and views are welcome. E-mail us at familymatters14344@gmail.com.

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

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FRAMEABLE

By Fr. Bernard P. Nolasco, SDB

N E W Y E A R

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Every year, I meet people who wish to spend their life in a better way as they begin another new year, but who are at a loss as to how to even begin. Using the acronym “NEW YEAR,” below are seven points that I hope can be of great help for those who wish to make this coming New Year a more fruitful and meaningful one. God bless you as I wish you all a very Grace-filled New Year!!!

OURISH your soul with the spirit of positivity as you begin a new year. Let every day of this new year begin with a personal prayer for guidance and for strength, for wisdom and for perseverance. VALUATE all your accomplishments as well as your failures of the past year. Only when you learn to face your triumphs and defeats objectively will you be able to move forward with clearer goals. AKE UP to a new beginning with enthusiasm. You may have big dreams, but remember that the only way to attain them is to be wide awake.

EARN to spend your time, energy, and talents for more noble causes. Even with personal concerns to attend to, allow yourself to be involved in charitable works or acts of services at home, in school, and in your community. NRICH yourself with the great things your Church teaches you. Live with the conviction that learning is a lifetime process. And the best things to learn are the things that help you to be God-centered. RTICULATE all your plans and endeavors for this coming New Year. Set your priorities well. Although there should always be room for flexibility, it is still best to arrange well your day’s list of activities in order of importance and urgency. ESPECT your resolutions by showing self-discipline and determination. Remember that it is you who made those resolutions after engaging in enough introspection. Persevere in fulfilling them not only for yourself but also for the people whom you can affect and inspire.

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

For By Erica Cai Cortez

Three couples reveal the many rewards of staying committed to the marriage—even when it might be easier to give up.

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

From the moment a newly married couple drives away from church up until around the first anniversary, everything seems new, blissful, and rosy. Armed with books on marriage, advice from loved ones, and beautiful memories of their wedding day, the newlyweds head off for what they believe will be an exciting adventure together, convinced their love will surmount any hardships life will throw at them. Fast forward to a decade later, and most likely, some of these couples’ outlook on marriage has changed drastically. In fact, a number of these once-optimistic twosomes might have even decided to call it quits once the challenges and issues became too much to handle. Even though Filipinos as a nation remain family-oriented, failed marriages have gotten more common in the Philippines. Statistics show that at least one in five Pinoy marriages ends in annulment. And while divorce is not recognized yet, more and more people are pushing to legalize it in the country. Moreover, research shows that younger people now seem to prefer to live in than get married. And for some millennials discouraged by negative perceptions surrounding marriage, married life appears to have lost its appeal, and they would rather prioritize their career, hobbies, and friends over settling down.

PARENTS’ CORNER | RELATING

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REASONS TO STAY But even with today’s more liberal views about love, there are still many husbands and wives who truly believe in long-term marital commitment and who serve to inspire others by their example. Here, Family Matters asked three couples who have been married for over 10 years what the rewards are for choosing to stay true to one’s marital vows in the face of serious difficulties and crises. They are a testament that love not only conquers all, it also brings unexpected perks for those who refuse to give up and who work to strengthen their relationship.

MARRIED PERSONS ARE HEALTHIER. Having a partner

for life can benefit one’s health in many ways. “Research shows that married couples have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol,” shares Jermaine Mariano, a family counselor. “Studies indicate that single or separated persons’ cortisol levels are more elevated compared to those of married individuals.” Notably, stress is associated with serious ailments, such as diabetes, heart disease, and various types of cancer. Mariano adds that couples can also motivate each other to live healthier and adopt more active lifestyles. “Years ago, husbands would play golf with guy friends, while their wives’ idea of working out traditionally meant doing aerobics or dancing,” Mariano says.

Now, there are more activities that married partners can do together. “I know couples who go to the gym, run marathons, bike, or hike together—both as a form of workout and as a time for them to bond,” she adds. In addition, committing to nurse a spouse through an illness is said to be crucial for quicker recovery. For Lorraine Javier, she believes that husband Leslie’s dedication when she got seriously ill helped her get better sooner. “He was my support system during that trying time,” Lorraine says. “My recovery became faster and I believe that

couples “whoI know go to the gym, run marathons, bike, or hike together—both as a form of workout and as a time for them to bond.

”

it was because he stayed by my side through it all.” She added that they also got closer to God when she was sick.

= SUPPORT SYSTEM. 2 SPOUSE

Being married means one will not have to be alone when difficulties arise. “I always remind couples I’ve counseled that the vows they exchanged before God and their loved ones during their wedding means that they [should] stay together—even during the lowest points of their lives,” Mariano states. Dustin and Chris Delcoure, meanwhile, narrate how they went through what they described as “the ultimate test for a couple.” “It took us eight years to conceive, with multiple fertility assistance—but we eventually lost our firstborn,” Chris shares. During that time, they “were forced to see each other at [our] worst,” with Chris acknowledging that the death of a child can sometimes lead to separation for the grieving couple. But both Dustin and Chris chose to remain strongly committed to their marriage even though “it took [us] a while to get to a better place,” says Dustin. “I think we overcame it for a couple reasons. For me, if you take hold of that moment, it is a good time to learn and bond with your spouse.” Being a supportive husband or wife also means that you must do whatever you can to understand the perspective of your partner. “It is a lot easier to level with someone and solve problems together if you understand how they see the problem in the first place,” Dustin says.

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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Ricky and Belinda Isip

“

Even if you lack money, if you stay committed, supportive, loving, and hopeful instead of fighting over finances, then things will get better.

”

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COUPLES ARE OFTEN BETTER OFF FINANCIALLY THAN SINGLES. While it should not be the primary reason to commit to someone, marriage does have substantial financial perks. “There are social security benefits, income tax advantages, and attractive retirement savings options,” Mariano says. “Being married also means you have someone to share living expenses with, like housing, utilities, and food—without the amount necessarily doubling.” she added. The husband or wife should also serve as the partner’s motivation for overcoming financial difficulties. For Ricky and Belinda Isip, dealing with the death of their daughter and their son’s illness led to several incidents of hospitalizations and major operations, resulting in monetary woes. Belinda recollected how they had to sell off properties and find different ways just for them to have food on the table. “Business was also awfully low that time,” she recalls, adding that it was a truly humbling experience. “However, it made

us stronger because we braved the difficulties together as husband and wife.” She cites some specific sacrifices they made and support they gave one another as they strove to improve their financial situation. “Even though Ricky was not used to traveling, he accepted work that required him to go abroad,” Belinda reveals, adding that she also went with him during one freezing and unwelcoming winter season even as she dealt with her own sick spells. But through prayers and hard work, the Isips were able to recover from the tumultuous years of financial hardships. “That time proved that even if you lack money, if you stay committed, supportive, loving, and hopeful instead of fighting over finances, then things will get better,” Belinda says.

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is important for couples to grow in maturity together and bring out the best in each other—instead of staying stuck with irresponsible behavior and bad habits. “Husbands and wives need to become better versions of themselves for them to say that their marriage is healthy,” Mariano says. Belinda discloses how she and Ricky used to argue frequently during the early months of their marriage. “Back then, even the

If you fully “ trust someone and know

the things that really matter, then it’s easy to accept small flaws.

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

”

Leslie and Lorraine Javier

MARRIAGE LEADS TO GREATER MATURITY. It

PARENTS’ CORNER | RELATING

Dustin and Chris Delcoure

“

There is a higher depth to the spouse friendship, because they know your strengths and especially your weaknesses in a way that others do not.

”

simplest disagreements would get dragged on to become long issues,” she says. “Neither of us would back down!” According to them, it was during the financially trying times that they started to become more mature. However, while partners should work on improving the attitudes that harm their marriage, Mariano says they should also learn to accept some of their partner’s flaws. “There are not-soimportant things that you’d just have to let pass,” she says. Lorraine and Leslie agree, saying that compromising on certain things helped. “If you fully trust someone and know the things that really matter, then it’s easy to accept small flaws,” Lorraine said.

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YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR BFF. Studies show that married

individuals, especially those who see their spouse as their best friend, are happier than single people. “Close relationships are necessary for long-term well-being, especially in today’s stressful times,” Mariano points out. “When you can share problems with your spouse and have him/her support you, it is understandable why their single counterparts find it a bit harder to go through difficulties.” Chris says that while she has many “best friends,” her husband is “the Number One.” “He is the first person who knows me inside out,” she says. “I can just

look at him and he pretty much can read my mind.” Dustin adds that the friendship between husband and wife is different from just regular friendships. “There should be loyalty and trust, like with all close friends, but there is [more] depth to the spouse friendship, because they know your strengths and especially your weaknesses in a way that others do not,” he explains.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER In a cynical world, couples like Lorraine and Leslie, Chris and Dustin, and Belinda and Ricky are proof that achieving a “happily ever after” is still possible. Stressing the sanctity of marriage, Lorraine quotes an old saying: “Marriage is not like hot rice that you can just spit out when you get burned,” she says in Filipino. “So you really have to be fully ready before tying the knot.” For Dustin, it is trust and honesty that makes it easier to overcome difficult times. Building these traits into the marriage takes time, “but you just have to stay committed,” he adds. For Belinda, whether a couple stays together or not for the long haul all boils down to the foundation and fundamentals the marriage rests on. “Put God in the center of your marriage,” she advises. “As John Piper said: ‘Happy is the husband, and happy is the wife, whose love for each other is secondary to their love for Christ.’” FM

The

Right

Mix

By Ruth Manimtim-Floresca

Proper parental supervision is when children are neither overly controlled nor left alone to do as they please.

The house rules that work best dovetail with balanced supervision, which in turn is an outcome of unconditional love. 12

As parents, it’s only natural to want to always look after our children’s safety and wellbeing. However, some moms and dads can go to extremes and end up being too stern or too lenient, often with short- and long-term consequences. Family Matters asked psychologist and guidance counselor Erick Vernon Y. Dy, Ph.D., from the Counseling and Testing Division, Office of Student Affairs in UP Los Baños, what kind of parental monitoring kids really need.

BALANCED SUPERVISION Dy says that guidelines first need to be set in the home, especially for tweens and teens. He recommends setting down clear rules whereby kids can still have freedom, but within limits. At the same time, parents must make them realize that the rules are there not out of whimsy but for the youngsters’ safety and proper development. Dy underscores that the house rules that work best are those that dovetail with balanced supervision, which in turn is an outcome of unconditional love. “When parents expect children to behave according to parental expectations for good behavior and believe that the children have the potential to do or choose what is good, children then learn to believe in themselves and be responsible for their actions,” he adds. Trust between parent and child is also a necessary ingredient. While they are still young, establish a warm, trusting, and secure relationship with your children.

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

PARENTS’ CORNER | BALANCING “Find time for kwentuhan [conversations],” Dy advises parents. “Assure your children that they can tell you anything or ask anything because they will not be judged. This facilitates open communication and makes monitoring their activities and friends easier because they will tell you about their day even without you asking.” He explains that once a warm and trusting relationship is established then privacy does not become too much of an issue for both parties. “The child is able to share his or her life with the parents and regulate his or her need for privacy at the same time,” he notes. On the parents’ part, they can share things about themselves, giving the child a feel for what is happening in the family life.

RESPECTING KIDS’ ONLINE PRIVACY With an ever-expanding web filled with tons of information, keeping minors safe online is undeniably getting harder and harder. How can parents protect their children from online threats while also showing respect for their privacy? Educate early and often. As early as possible, thoroughly explain to your kids the concept of anonymity, the importance of being careful about posting personal information online, and the need to be wary of strangers who are overly friendly. Knowing they understand the house rules on Internet use can help ease parents’ fears and suppress the desire to constantly spy on their kids’ online activities. As the kids grow older, parents may start giving them more leeway. Install parental control software on the computer. This way, you are alerted of approaching dangers, such as strangers asking for sensitive information that an unsuspecting child may give away.

Being too strict may give rise to either insecure children who timidly follow rules or resentful kids who opt to rebel instead.

Be transparent. Explain why you are installing the software and hold face-to-face discussions so your children won’t be resentful of your monitoring. Talk it out. If you get notified of possible risks your child is taking, use this chance to begin or continue a dialogue with him or her about Internet safety. Acquire more know-how. Take time to learn more about the Internet. It’s hard to teach kids what to do or not do if you have no clear idea of what to tell them. Finally, never leave parental supervision to any control software. Remember, protecting your kids is your responsibility, and the safety app is just one instrument you can use to carry out your duty. It is up to you to further educate your children about staying safe whenever they enter the virtual world.

NO TO EXTREMES On the other hand, there are also parents whose parenting approach is either too strict or too lax. “Anything that is in excess is not good. Moderation is the key in parenting,” reminds Dy. “Thus, authoritative or democratic parenting remains the most beneficial for children and adolescents alike. Research has shown that the outcomes in the child are more positive, such as social and academic competence, and better mental health.” As for authoritarian parenting, he warns that being too strict may give rise to either insecure children who timidly follow rules or resentful kids who opt to rebel instead. From his counseling experience, Dy observes that teens with very strict parents have a fear of failure and of not meeting expectations.

“Their parents call them a lot and do not allow them to attend events so they learn to engage in sneaky behaviors.” Moreover, these teens feel hurt by unfounded accusations made by their moms and dads. Meanwhile, permissive parenting may breed children who become used to always getting their way. “Most of my clients with lax parents often take their parents’ efforts for granted, thinking parents will always understand even though the children will fall short of their expectations,” Dy points out. He adds that the child with the highest chances of being able to make decisions for his or her own good as an adult is the one who has been taught and guided well in all three important settings—the home, the school, and the Church. FM

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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Going

SOLO By Aileen Carreon

Should you worry if your child prefers to be left alone? Being a loner, generally defined as somebody who avoids or does not actively seek out people, is not necessarily bad. While the term “loner” may have a negative connotation and may be associated with antisocial tendencies in many societies, it is perceived as a positive trait in some cultures, indicative of an independent and responsible person. A child may prefer to spend time alone because he or she needs some space to process world experiences or to nurture an active imagination, writes psychologist Anthony Storr in his book “Solitude: A Return to Self.” Wanting to fly solo could simply be a personality trait. It becomes a cause for concern if being by himself or herself is not a choice but something the child is forced into, or if it is his or her way of coping with pain, trauma or some other serious issue. A sudden change in the child’s behavior is also a sign that something may be wrong. “Finding out why your school-age child prefers to be alone will help you address if it is a personal choice or if he or she feels left out in school,” says Cynthia Tinsay-Gonzalez, owner and school administrator of Reach International School in Makati City, which offers inclusive K-12 education for regular students and children with special needs and learning disabilities in one campus. 14

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

PARENTS’ CORNER | PROTECTING

“

Finding out why your school-age child prefers to be alone will help you address if it is a personal choice or if he or she feels left out in school.

”

She shares a personal experience: “This was when one of my girls was in grade school. She was very happy and self-confident and doing quite well in school in terms of her grades and making friends. One day, she just became quite withdrawn and uninspired. “At first, I was really upset with her and could not understand what was going on. She just stopped copying homework and was generally uncooperative. After asking around and talking to her friends in school, I learned that a certain classmate told my daughter to stop copying homework and that she was being threatened by that girl. The matter was eventually resolved after setting an appointment with the guidance counsellor.”

Says Gonzalez, “We just need to keep trying to find out how and why there are sudden changes in our child’s behavior. Wanting to be alone can be one of them. They usually are warning bells that there may be something going on in school.” “In my experience, students have a desire to be socially attuned with others. This desire increases as they hit puberty and adolescence. While sometimes a student would say they don’t care to be with others, I have observed that they actually do. But because they are misunderstood socially, they withdraw. This desire to reconnect socially is universal, be you a student who is a regular, has a learning disability, or has special needs,” she shares.

TRY TO PROBE It is therefore important for the adults, both parents and teachers, to know for certain why a child keeps mostly to himself or herself. Is it the child’s choice or not? Gonzalez recalls a list of questions recommended by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., an American author and psychologist who specializes in children’s play and play therapy, to start a conversation with a school child who increasingly chooses to spend time alone. 1. Do you spend time alone because you feel rejected or excluded by your classmates? 2. Is anyone at school teasing you, or making cruel comments about you? 3. Do you feel lonely or sad most of the time? 4. Do you wish your life was any different than it is? A “yes” to any of these questions means the child is being forced into solitude. Parents must help and intervene. Getting the teachers and school administrators involved is also necessary. If the child says he or she is happy doing things alone and spending time in solitude, and looks it, then he or she may just be unique in that way. Some famous people were known to be loners, too.

HEALTHY OR NOT? Granted that a child prefers being alone, when is it healthy and when is it unhealthy? “Alone time has many physical, emotional and spiritual benefits when enjoyed in moderation, [but] spending too much time alone can damage the mind and body. We function best when there’s a balance, when we spend healthy time alone, and at the same time nurture our close relationships,” says Gonzalez. “It is healthy when you choose alone time to rest, recoup, and to have some me time. At the same time, you also seek time with family and friends and find joy in spending time with them,” she adds. According to Gonzalez, being alone can be unhealthy when it interrupts activities of daily living. For instance, it is worth looking into if a

“

We function best when there’s a balance, when we spend healthy time alone, and at the same time nurture our close relationships.

”

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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child is unable to eat when there are other people at home, or does not want to go to school to avoid being with classmates. Human beings are social creatures. Living one’s life requires interaction with other people. This being the case, a young loner will benefit from learning to enjoy the company of others more. “From our experience in school, finding common activities that students enjoy doing together, or getting everyone involved in a meaningful project draws out the solitary students. To a certain degree, it forces them to be with a group and interact, but without overwhelming them. We assign tasks that he can do and complete on his own. This allows the student to feel he is part of a group, yet contributing something worthwhile on his own. Finding this balance can be difficult, but it can be done with proper support and guidance,” shares Gonzalez. “When you group students together, they are able to figure out who can lead and who can do what. They divide tasks based on the strengths and limitations of their group mates so that everyone is able to participate and contribute. This puts students who prefer to be alone in a social situation where they experience being with others and realize it can be fun and worthwhile,” she adds. The key, according to Gonzalez, is to let the student experience being in a group and to assign tasks he or she can succeed in, but limiting the degree of interaction so that the child can actually enjoy the time spent with classmates.

WHAT TO DO Gonzalez advises parents with kids who shy away from companionship to first find their child’s biggest interests. It could be reading, arts, or sports. Next, find one or two friends or a small group with the same interests. “If the child likes creative pursuits, they can enrol him in an art class. He can create his own artwork but in the company of other kids. If he is athletic, choose an individual sport so that he is with a group but can play on his own terms,” she says. 16

12 FAMOUS LONERS 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

Rachel Carson, marine biologist, conservationist (1907-1964) Frederic Chopin, composer, virtuoso pianist (1810-1849) Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886) Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, business magnate (1955-) Stanley Kubrick, film director and producer (1928-1999) Piet Mondrian, painter (1872-1944) Ludwig von Mises, economist (1871-1973) Haruki Murakami, writer (1949-) Isaac Newton, physicist, mathematician (1643-1727) Ayn Rand, novelist, philosopher (1905-1982) J.D. Salinger, writer (1919-2010) Nikola Tesla, inventor, engineer (1856-1943)

“Do not push a child to be with others. Catch the moment when he feels sociable and create an activity that will allow him to be with others. This makes the experience enjoyable for the child and he will want to repeat the experience,” recommends Gonzalez. She also tells parents with an individualist child to examine their personal motives. “Sometimes, we parents have certain expectations about

“

Catch the moment when he feels sociable and create an activity that will allow him to be with others.

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

”

how our kids should be. It would be good to step back and rethink. If your child is really happy spending more time alone and chooses to be with just a few friends, then there is nothing wrong. Parents should learn to respect that. On the other hand, if your child is isolating himself and is unhappy about it, then it is time to look into the matter and possibly seek professional help.” FM

PARENTS’ CORNER | PARENTING

There’s another way for couples to experience the joy of parenthood even if they can’t get pregnant.

By Excel V. Dyquiangco Being a parent is one of the greatest joys in life, no doubt. To have and to hold a little child in your arms is surely a moment like no other. But what if you are unable to experience the wonder of parenthood for one reason or another, like a serious medical condition that makes reproduction unachievable? For some couples, the answer is adoption.

UNEXPECTED GRACE Joy Wong is the adoptive mother to two young children, and she shares with Family Matters how the kids’ arrival enabled her and her husband to live a more fulfilled, richer family life. A cancer survivor, Joy won the battle against the disease, but it came at a steep price—difficulty in bearing children. She says her bout with cancer was a very painful experience, both physically and emotionally, but it later brought surprising blessings into her life. “Through heart-to-heart dialogues with my husband Wowie, the support of my family, and encouragement from my close friends—life went on, and I gained a deeper [understanding of the] meaning of my life,” she says.

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believe “thatWeeven without kids, couples should feel complete with having just each another. – Joy

Not Much Difference

”

“Today, I can say that what happened to me is a blessing. Being a cancer survivor is my blessing, because through this story, I am able to understand pain, and how one can hopefully be healed from that pain. Most importantly, we have Angelica and Paolo Angelo with us through this path, and we are totally grateful for our story.” However, Joy, who says she had always wanted to become a mother, counsels others in the same situation that when the reason they want to adopt is in order to feel complete, then it is better to assess their motivation first. “We believe that even without kids, couples should feel complete with having just each another,” she says. “Having kids will be a blessing and will be a great addition to the family equation. Even without kids, the couple is still considered a family. However once the couple is able to look into each other’s eyes and say that they complete one another, then that is ironically a great sign that they are ready for legal adoption.” 18

Joy with husband Wowie and children Angelica and Pao Pao

A CHANGE OF HEART As for Dennis Sucgang, an adoptive dad to two children, he admits that initially, he found it difficult to accept the adoption route, but eventually realized that it was another road that had opened up leading to the same dream— having a child. Dennis knew it was the right time to adopt when he realized that his motivation for wanting to build a family was love, not others’ expectations that they should already start a family. And to do this, he was prepared to go through the adoption process. “But take note, adoption is not for everyone,” he says. “If you are pressured by your peers and other family members to have your own family soon, and you seek adoption just because it is the last resort, being unable to have a biological child, then don’t do it.” Dennis says undertaking the adoption process changed his assumptions about parenthood

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

Adoption advocate Gabe Mercado, who hosts many of the activities of the Department of Social Welfare and Development’s (DSWD) Adoption Resource Referral Unit, especially during February which is adoption month, says that raising an adopted child is not much different from raising a biological one. He said parents “get exactly the same benefits as having a biological child except that in adoption you are more conscious and mindful of the process of introducing a new member to the family.” For those who want to adopt, Mercado advises. “Talk to other adoptive families about their experiences,” he says. “Talk to your extended family. It would be best that they are consulted and informed, too, because we live in a close-knit society and it would be good to get as much support as you can. Consider fostering a child first before adopting as well, if you have doubts about your capacity and capability as future parents. Always do it legally.”

PARENTS’ CORNER | PARENTING dramatically. “The adoption process prepared my heart and mind to look beyond the norm and become an advocate and a voice of hope for people who could also be [standing at] the same crossroad,” he said. He also learned that abandoned or orphaned children have little reservation about calling someone who loves them Papa or Mama, because they yearn to have a family, and put little thought to genes or bloodline.

Issues Thinking of adopting a child? Family lawyer Myra Diwata RiveraCanoy says that the process of adoption in the Philippines can pose a challenge. “Basically when you seek to adopt a foundling, the child has to be declared available by DSWD for adoption,” she says. “Comply with the paper works and when the foundling is declared by the DSWD to be available for adoption, you can file your papers in court. It’s a long and tedious process which usually lasts years.” However, Rivera-Canoy is quick to add that the rewards are well worth it for couples who are determined to persevere. To know more about the requirements and the steps in applying for adoption, you may contact the Kaisahang Buhay Foundation (KBF) at (02) 912-1159. KBF is a non-profit child and family welfare organization licensed and accredited by the DSWD, and certified as a donee institution. You may also visit the DSWD website at dswd.gov.ph.

HAPPY HOMES For Dennis, nothing gives him profound joy now than “seeing our children grow up happy, playing with them, and spending time with them.” Joy, on the other hand, recalls the day she and Wowie brought Angelica, then nine months old, home, and how the baby immediately brought sunlight into their house. And when the couple adopted a second child, Paolo, then just a year old, their home became even brighter and livelier. “Today, our home can look crazy and chaotic but nothing can replace the giggles—or even the wailing–of children,” Joy says. “It’s all good!” FM

If you are “pressured by your peers and other family members to have your own family soon, and you seek adoption just because it is the last resort, being unable to have a biological child, then don’t do it. – Dennis

”

XXX

Dennis and wife Cecilia with daughter Cyrill and son Daryll

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Christmastime need not be crazy time! Take these holiday health tips to heart to HQVXUH D Âż W FDOP DQG stress-free you during the busiest season of the year.

By Ross Valentin, M.D. 20

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

PARENTS’ CORNER | PREVENTING

It’s said that the Christmas holidays are the most wonderful but the least healthy time of the year, especially in the Philippines. This need not be the case. Staying healthy during this season of overindulgence begins with a decision to be healthy. When you commit to this decision, taking care of your health becomes easier. Here are some tips to keep you and your family in the best of shape during Christmastide.

PLAN AHEAD. Knowing what to do and anticipating what’s ahead can help you prepare better and make healthful choices. It can also save time and energy you would otherwise spend on doing unimportant things. Scheduling your activities and giving ample time for each is one way to reduce stress, as are maintaining a list and staying organized. To plan well: z Make room for changes. Bear in mind that the best laid plans can be disrupted in the frenzy of the holiday celebrations. Anticipate factors like changes in the diet, multiple activities, sudden travel, and unexpected situations, and be ready to adjust by tweaking your plan if necessary.

z Set enjoyable and realistic health goals. There is no point in planning an impossible exercise goal, or completely avoiding all the culinary offerings to the point where you don’t enjoy the holidays anymore. Ensure that goals are doable and achievable given the nature of the holidays.

DON’T BREAK YOUR HEALTH ROUTINE. The Christmas holiday is no excuse to take a health holiday. Being healthy is a yearlong commitment. Your body does not know what time of the year it is; it only responds to what you feed it and do with it. If you don’t have a health regimen, it’s never too late to start one ahead of the holidays to avoid giving in to the excesses Christmas brings.

10 Stress-Busters The holiday season can definitely be stressful. The endless commitments to work, family, and friends can take their toll and ruin the holidays for you. Learn to reduce your anxiety by doing the following: Choose to be happy. Your frame of mind has a lot to do with the outcome. Consider the Yuletide season as something fun and enjoyable to look forward to. Expect the best and choose to be joyful no matter what. Take care of your needs first. Make sure you’ve eaten enough and rested enough before getting into the busyness of the holidays. Listen to what your body is telling you. When you have recharged, you can give more and share more. Take a time-out and treat yourself. Instead of depriving yourself too much, reward yourself with non-food stuff you like. Savor the breeze, enjoy the colorful lights, watch a good movie, wake up late, sleep in, visit friends, read a book, get a massage, buy a new music CD, take up a new hobby. Making time for things that matter the most to you and getting in touch with who you are can chase away the blues. Prioritize. With so many things to do and people to see, it’s impossible to do everything all at the same time. Choose which one to do first and which to do last according to the most important down to the least important. Give enough time for commuting and shopping. As the traffic becomes crazier and the malls and shops get extraordinarily packed with Christmas shoppers, people’s stress levels are bound to go up. Allocating ample time for these activities can help reduce your stress. Take it easy. Emotions can run high when you’re pressed for time, when you have too many commitments, when your to-do list is overflowing. Relax and slow down. Savor moments with family and friends and don’t miss the important stuff. Laugh. Laughter is a surefire stress reliever. When people laugh, the brain releases a substance called endorphin which gives one a sense of well-being. Write. Writing things down can be a great way to de-stress and clarify your thoughts. If you are into blogging, sharing your thoughts and experiences during the holidays can ease your inner tension. Analyze the sources of your stress. Stop for a minute and dig down to the roots of your stress. Knowing your holiday stress points can help you find solutions faster and lessen your panicky moments. Take a short walk. Walking can take your mind away from your worries momentarily, clear your mind, and afford you a new perspective on things. Try to have a 10-minute walk every day when you just enjoy the view and the people you see without making judgments or comments in your head.

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TIP: Remember that non-food activities make for a richer and healthier holiday experience by providing priceless and lasting memories everyone can look back to.

FOCUS ON PEOPLE AND $&7,9,7< 127 )22' Spending time with loved ones and engaging in chatting and other enjoyable family activities will help get your mind off food. As for your kids, shift their attention to activities they will look forward to, such as decorating the Christmas tree, going out for a walk with their pooch, watching a movie, playing board games, karaoke singing, and holding outdoor games.

STAY HYDRATED. This is an effective trick to counter overeating. The brain can sometimes confuse thirst with hunger, but staying hydrated prevents one from making this mistake. Drinking water before a meal can help lessen your food consumption, while holding a glass of water stops you from nibbling on food. Try to drink six to eight glasses of water per day, and take two large glasses of water before that calorie-heavy meal. You can make water tastier by adding chopped fruits, a squeeze of lime, or a slice of cucumber. Stay away from soda and sugary drinks as they are high in calories and added sugar.

GET ENOUGH REST AND SLEEP. This will recharge the mind and body that have been taxed by the demands of the season. Lack of sleep can lead to bad food choices because the mind can’t function 22

well. Furthermore, consecutive sleepless nights disrupt important body functions and affect the body’s metabolism, leading to weight gain and hormonal imbalances. For optimum health, try to get about seven to nine hours of sleep even during the holiday break.

AVOID ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. Why is alcohol not the best fluid to take? For one, it contains plenty of calories that can lead to weight gain. It also makes you drowsy, slows down your reflexes, and weakens your judgment, causing you to commit mistakes, even serious ones like a car crash. And it weakens your will to resist overeating.

If you intend to drink, do so responsibly—do not drive, operate any machinery, or make any decisions while under the influence of alcohol. Drink in moderation. Men should not have more than two 12-oz beers or a glass of 6-oz wine or a 3-oz shot of whiskey. Women should have only half the amount consumed by men.

HAVE ANTI-ALLERGY MEDS READY. For people with food allergy to peanuts, seafood, dairy, etc., it is best to take anti-allergy medications with them all the time. They should know what they are about to eat or drink, and should veer away from foods that are not allowed. Don’t take the risk; some allergic reactions can be fatal.

TIP: Weigh yourself daily. Research shows that people who do this, plus stick to their diet plan and exercise regularly, are less likely to regain lost weight than those who weigh less often.

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

PARENTS’ CORNER | PREVENTING WASH YOUR HANDS OFTEN. With all the yummy treats and drinks around, it’s easy to contract food- and water-borne diseases. Regular hand-washing with clean running water and soap for at least 20 seconds will help keep your hands clean always, lessening your risk of contracting and spreading disease.

COVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE. Disease-causing viruses and bacteria can spread easily in packed public places like malls, restaurants, and shops. If you can’t avoid these places, wear a face mask, and cover your mouth and nose with tissue paper or a hanky whenever you cough or sneeze. If you don’t have tissue, cough or sneeze into your upper sleeve, not your hands.

TIP: To avoid taking alcohol, opt for sparkling mineral water, fruit or vegetable juice, fruit punch, or herbal tea should you need to drink something at get-togethers.

BE SMOKE-FREE. The holidays are not a license to smoke. If you want to last till the next holidays, avoid smoking or breathing in other people’s smoke, or quit if you are a smoker. If you need help quitting, call your doctor.

STAY WARM. Although the Philippines doesn’t get very cold during Christmastime, it can get chilly, especially during the traditional dawn masses. Be prepared for changes in temperature, especially if you have young kids and old loved ones, who are more susceptible to cough and colds and fever. Get those sweaters out and keep yourself and your loved ones warm. HELP OTHERS. Christmas is all about giving and sharing. Research has shown that people are healthier and happier when they are thoughtful, supportive, and sharing of their time and blessings. Visit friends and relatives who you know live alone, invite them over to your house, and celebrate Christmas with them. Create activities with friends that will let you share your blessings with those who have less in life. You may also wish to volunteer in a soup kitchen, a house-building project, or a medical mission. Kind acts like these take the focus away from ourselves, making us less self-absorbed and infusing us with an overall feeling of wellness. FM

Relaxation Recipe When it all gets too much, this relaxation technique is guaranteed to get your equilibrium back. 1. Sit up straight, resting the back of your hands in your lap. 2. Close your eyes. Shut off any thoughts running in your head. 3. Focus your attention on your breathing. Is it fast or slow? Shallow or deep? Are you holding your breath? 4. Next, regulate your breathing by initially taking a deep breath through your nose, letting your chest rise as you inhale before exhaling slowly. Do this three times, then breathe in slowly and exhale slowly. 5. Do this several times until your breathing becomes relaxed and smooth. Soon you will notice your shoulders and neck relaxing. Do this every time you feel overwhelmed.

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Special Section

THE STAGES OF GROWTH

25

Parenting in the First 7 Years By Annabellie Gruenberg

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Parenting Tweens and Younger Teens By Rolando C. delos Reyes II, MA Ed, RGC

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Parenting Older Teens and Young Adults By Ruth Manimtim-Floresca

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

Special Section THE STAGES OF GROWTH

PARENTING IN THE FIRST

7

YEARS

What is expected of parents during the FUXFLDO ŧ UVW IHZ years of a child’s development?

BY ANNABELLIE GRUENBERG

O

nce a child is conceived, the parents and everyone else participating in raising this new being become a part of the little one’s network of support. The ͔ ͛ Ƥ development, when the child is working to come into his or her own, someone with a personality and identify apart from the parents. To help the child through this crucial transformation, the parents and other grown-ups need to comprehend the stages of growth in order to assist properly in the individuation of the new person.

BEFORE BIRTH

During conception, as the fetus’ hold on life strengthens, it will help if both mother and father strive to raise their awareness of the whole process of pregnancy. Ideally, both should seek advice, study about parenthood, and join support groups together as they prepare for the arrival of this precious life. The basic foundation of human life, the nine months of pregnancy is a critical period for both child and mother. Aside from receiving nutrients, the fetus also shares the feelings and experiences of the mother—the physical and emotional state of the mom-to-be and her activities all have an ơ Ǥ As the vessel for a new life, the mother is also undergoing changes both physically and emotionally, and putting her life in danger as well. It is essential that her health and well-being are cared for by those around her, particularly by an OBGynecologist with a holistic approach. December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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YEARS 3 TO 6

Both parents should seek advice, study about parenthood, and join support groups together as they prepare for the arrival of this precious life.

The father, too, must play an active role in caring for his wife, making sure to be with her every step of the way; it is, after all, a joint pregnancy. With impending fatherhood, he must develop patience, understanding, and a willingness to Ƥ Ǥ participation.

THE FIRST TWO YEARS Ƥ elements that went into the development of life in the womb. The child is now separated physically from its mother but still needs nourishment, supplied by the mom’s breast milk. At this stage it is critical that the baby is made to feel safe in this strange world. Close physical contact with the parents should be encouraged as often as possible. The environment must be peaceful and quiet, devoid of gadgets that emit radiation and noise that interfere with development. Everything the baby uses should be natural and free of harsh chemicals, especially later on when the little one starts to explore the surroundings and put everything in the mouth. Up to 2 years old, the baby is working on strengthening body and limbs through imitation and movement. We see this through the toddler’s kicking actions, hand movements, and attempts to walk by around one or two years old. Memory, imagination, and language are developing rapidly, and these can be supported through storytelling using simple picture books. 26

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

From the third through the sixth year, the child’s gestures, ǡ Ƥ Ǥ The mind still uses imagery in thinking but is also starting to produce clearer pictures. Besides storytelling, parents may now add playing creative games with movements and reciting simple children’s poems, nursery rhymes, and songs with repetitive phrases to their list of activities. Ƥ listening. Original fables and fairy tales are recommended for a variety of reasons. For one, they promote the organic development of the imagination, this imagination manifesting when children play pretend and engage in role-playing and indulge in fantasy. For another, fables and fairy tales also ơ ǡ and pick up moral lessons. Around 6 to 7 years old, the child nourished on fairy tales and nursery rhymes now demonstrates a deep interest in books, that is, if not exposed to gadgets. Showing more coordinated movement, the kid is very active and loves physical activities. Allowing the boy or girl to play outdoors surrounded Ƥ Ǧ Ǥ now also starts to recognize feelings and emotions through ǡ Ƥ independence.

Besides storytelling, playing creative JDPHV ZLWK movements and reciting simple children’s poems, nursery rhymes, and VRQJV ZLWK UHSHWLWLYH SKUDVHV ZLOO KHOS

Special Section THE STAGES OF GROWTH

YEAR 7

NO NEED TO RUSH Parents must cultivate trust in the natural process of child development. Unfortunately, many tend to rush their children into becoming adults. Pressure is placed on the small one to learn how to read, write, use the computer, and act intelligently. Children are often compared to other kids and encouraged to compete. This is confusing the needs of the parents with those of the child, and creates problems for the young. Dr. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, stresses that parents need to slow down the process of “hurrying up a child into a mini adult,” and talks about how rushing will do more harm than good. Parents should acquire knowledge about the natural development of a child and be discerning about theories and studies that encourage hurrying childhood or books that sell gadgets and products. Choose parenting materials and even schools that support natural and organic development. Child rearing should also be from the young’s point of view, which means allowing the child to grow into an individual with his or her own characteristics, strengths, and capacities. There is no exact formula, mold, or pattern in raising children. The key is to understand and accept them for who and what they are, and let them discover their uniqueness and individuality at their own pace.

Ƥ Ǥ written language should be introduced using an artistic and picture-heavy approach, not through the use of abstract lines and shapes or through media. This is because images are still mainly used in thinking and the child harnesses this imagination to draw and copy pictures. Around this time the youngster’s listening powers are improving. Poems with strong rhythms and cadence will help enhance the sense of hearing. By the end of the seventh year, from playing pretend during playtime, the child is now ready to move on to actual role-playing during short class presentations. All these activities also help boost strength and courage, things the child will need in the next seven years.

LEARNING ALONG

After equipping themselves with adequate knowledge on child development, parents must remain open to continuous research and keep educating themselves on natural parenting. They must be willing to step back and pay attention to what is unfolding before them, and not impose what they want. Parents must remember that together with caregivers, extended family members and teachers, they are raising a free-thinking human being. The child needs all the support and encouragement from adults to prepare for his or her life mission, even as he or she needs to be given a feeling of security and safety this part of the journey. FM

during

airy f d an s he e l t b e a l F ab n e s tale to sense child ference if d G R e h R J t HHQ nd Z W H E d, a a b ral and o m up pick s. n o s s le

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Special Section THE STAGES OF GROWTH

Parenting TWEENS and YOUNGER TEENS BY ROLANDO C. DELOS REYES II, MA ED, RGC

A parent’s guide to the complicated years covering the school age and early adolescent stage.

O

nce children start their formal education, their parents must face a whole new set of challenges. Calls from school authorities about some mischief or trouble involving their kid. Perennial arguments over the time the child spends in playing virtual games or in social media instead of in studying school lessons. Worries about the background of their child’s friends. Dealing with mood swings and inappropriate behavior in and outside the house. All these sometimes make some parents wish their child would not grow up. It really takes a lot of patience and memory recall (of how once in our lifetime we were like them) to understand what is happening to our children in these critical developmental stages. But the key to understanding and relating to the young is to put ourselves in their shoes and listen to what they have to say.

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

ǡ ǯ Ǥ ǯ ǡ ơ ƥ ǡ ǡ Ǥ

LOVING PRESENCE

The grade school years are the last chance for parents to pour affection and affirmation on their child before the onset of the teen years. THE TRANSITION

ǡ Ǧ ơ Ǥ Ǥ Boys seem to learn more amid lights, sounds, and moving images, while girls seem to learn more through reading and Ǥ ǡ ǡ ǡ Ǥ ǡ Ǧ ǡ Ǧ Ǥ

ǡ Ǧ Ǧ Ǥ Ǥ ǡ Dz Ǥdz ǡ ǡ Dz dz Ǥ Ǧ ǡ Ǥ Ǥ

ǡ Ƥ ǡ Ǥ ǯ ǯ ǡ ǯ

ǡ Ǥ ǡ ǡ to see the enlargement of breasts and the widening of the Ǥ ǡ ǡ Ǥ ǡ ȋ Ƥ ȌǤ ǡ Ǥ ǡ Ǥ ǡ Ǥ ǯ ǡ ǡ Ǥ ǡ

If trust has been established, children will call upon their parents once more, and we must be there, ready to answer their questions.

It is an existential statement from an emerging self, and a parent’s response should be an assuring presence of respectful silence and unwavering support. of their reproductive system. Moms should also accompany their daughters in buying necessary feminine items and instruct them on how to keep track of their monthly menstrual period.

THE EMERGING SELF

Early on, kids are taught about proper boundaries—which things belong to them and which belong to others. These boundaries …‘Â?–”‹„—–‡ –‘ –Š‡ †‡˜‡Ž‘’Â?‡Â?– ƒÂ?† †‡Ƥ Â?‹–‹‘Â? of their own identities apart from others. As such, they are keen to observe territorial space once they start going to school. They know where they stand in queues, where they are seated in the classroom, where their school materials are located in the classroom cabinets, and what space their group occupies during recess and lunch breaks. And this individuation heightens when adolescence starts. “You will never understand what I am going through because I am not like any of you!â€? This outcry of the teenager must not be interpreted as a show of disrespect, but rather an upcoming realization on the youngster’s part that he or •Š‡ ‹• †‹ƥ ‡”‡Â?– ˆ”‘Â? –Š‡ ’ƒ”‡Â?–•Ǥ – ‹• ƒÂ? ‡š‹•–‡Â?–‹ƒŽ •–ƒ–‡Â?‡Â?– from an emerging self, and a parent’s response should be a reassuring presence of respectful silence and unwavering support. The attitude should be like a farmer rejoicing at a seedling breaking ground and pushing itself up to stand tall. At this point in the child’s development, an overprotective approach is not going to work. “Helicopterâ€? parents “hoverâ€? over their children and move to rescue them from the “hostile world.â€? Parents of this nature would react to individuating kids with words such as “After all that I have done for you, you have the guts to say this!â€? In the process, the children grow up afraid to make any decision without calling home, harbor irrational fears of failing and committing mistakes, and end up lacking resiliency in the face of the many challenges that life presents. Another futile approach is “militarization.â€? “Drill sergeantâ€? parents command and direct their children’s lives, issuing demands and threats and imposing high expectations. 30

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

Their children grow up always on their toes, are grade conscious, and after constant striving to meet demands, resign themselves to thinking that –Š‡› ƒÂ?† –Š‡‹” ‡ƥ ‘”–• ™‹ŽŽ never be good enough for their parents. These kids eventually put a distance between themselves and their parents, and begin to seek someone or some group where –Š‡› ™‘—Ž† ˆ‡‡Ž ÂƒĆĽ ”Â?‡†Ǥ

A SENSE OF BELONGING

Fraternities, sororities, gangs, and cliques thrive on these kids who are searching for their place in this world. When a child likes to spend more time at a neighbor’s or friend’s Š‘—•‡ ”ƒ–Š‡” –ŠƒÂ? Š‹• ‘” Š‡” ‘™Â?ÇĄ ‹– •Š‘—Ž† „‡ ƒ ”‡† ĆŞ ƒ‰ –‘ the parent that the child does not feel welcome at home. ĆĄ ‘”– •Š‘—Ž† „‡ Â?ƒ†‡ –‘ †‹•…‡”Â? –Š‡ ”‡ƒ•‘Â?• ˆ‘” –Š‹•ǥ ƒÂ?† –Š‡ necessary changes must be done to make the child become comfortable at home. Parents can provide a sense of meaning by designing a rite of passage for their teenagers. The Jewish rite Bar Mitzvah is an example, where the father calls on his son to be part of the larger community. It is a mysterious, spiritual experience, rooted in tradition and looked forward to. Look for an item among your family’s treasures (e.g., a ring or a watch) that has been passed down between generations, and give it to your child. Tell your child the stories behind this item, and let him or her experience this heritage. In parenting someone who is in this stage of development, there are three main points to remember: Ž‹•–‡Â?ÇĄ ÂƒĆĽ ”Â?ÇĄ Ž‘˜‡Ǥ ‹•–‡Â? Â?‘”‡ ƒÂ?† –ƒŽÂ? Ž‡••Ǥ ĆĽ ”Â? ›‘—” Â?‹†ǯ• strengths. And learn his or her love language. The school age through early adolescent stage is a most complicated period, but with the proper understanding and patient support of parents, it can be a most rewarding experience indeed—for both parent and child. FM

Special Section THE STAGES OF GROWTH

PARENTING

OLDER TEENS and YOUNG ADULTS They may look all grown up, but this only belies older children’s inner vulnerability and craving for loving supervision.

BY RUTH MANIMTIM-FLORESCA wenty-four years after becoming a mother, I still believe in the saying that parents never stop being parents no matter how old their children are. This maxim manifests in my own life every day in seemingly mundane things, like reminding my teenaged son to brush his teeth, or worrying when another son, a young adult, hasn’t come home after midnight. Of course, I am well aware that the older my boys get, the more they must learn to act and decide on their own, independent of their parents. So I pray that my husband and I have been able to instill good values in them during their growing-up years.

T

21ST CENTURY PARENTING

According to Ma. Carolina Gustillo-de Ocampo, an education consultant and a co-founder and partner at Keys School Manila in San Juan, Metro Manila, the challenges of parenting 21st century adolescents are “very real and happening every day.” She notes that the modern teenager, weaned on the Internet, gizmos, and social media, is a puzzle for many moms and dads. “Everything that their children are doing now ơ Ǥdz

Still, this shouldn’t stop us from trying to understand the ‹••—‡• ƒÂ?† …‘Â?…‡”Â?• ‘ˆ ƒ†‘Ž‡•…‡Â?–• ƒÂ?† –‘ ‘ƥ ‡” ‘—” •—’’‘”– and counsel. More importantly, it is vital to cultivate a strong and warm relationship with them.

TURMOIL AND TURBULENCE

Since adolescence is marked by rapid changes, it’s not surprising that many youngsters have a hard time navigating this developmental phase. Gustillo-de Ocampo says individuals on the cusp of adulthood are preoccupied with concerns centering on friendships, relationships, schoolwork, sports, •‡šǥ ƒÂ?† Â?ƒ–‡”‹ƒŽ –Š‹Â?‰•Ǥ ƒÂ?› ™‘””› ƒ„‘—– Ƥ Â?†‹Â?‰ ƒ ‰”‘—’ to belong to. Some experience isolation or bullying for being †‹ƥ ‡”‡Â?– ‘” Dz—Â?…‘‘ŽǤdz –Š‡”• ‡š’‡”‹Â?‡Â?– ™‹–Š †”—‰• ƒÂ?† alcohol, and many get confused between real-world reality and social media reality. To lead our sons and daughters safely into adulthood, we parents must act as their loving guides and companions. Here ƒ”‡ –Š‡‹” •’‡…‹Ƥ Â… Â?‡‡†• ƒÂ?† ™ƒ›• ™‡ …ƒÂ? ƒ††”‡•• –Š‡Â?Ǥ

GIFT OF TIME 7†1-া om 1omv†Ѵ|-m| -Äş -uoŃ´bm- †vা Ń´Ń´oĹŠ7; 1-lro 1-mÄ˝| ;lr_-vbÂŒ; ;mo†]_ |_; 0;m;C |v o= ]bˆbm] o†u া l; |o o†u 1_bŃ´7u;mÄş b7v ‰bŃ´Ń´ 0;m;C | ‰_;m Ń´bv|;m;7 |o ‰b|_o†| f†7]l;m| ou bm|;uu†rা omÄş "_-u; ‹o†u =;;Ń´bm]vġ |ooġ 0†| 0;bm] 1-u;=†Ѵ mo| |o r†| ‹o†u 1_bŃ´7 om |_; 7;=;mvbˆ;Äş omˆ;uv;Ѵ‹ġ - ‰om7;u=†Ѵ ]b[ ‰; 1-m ]bˆ; bv ;mo†]_ া l; =ou o†u 1_bŃ´7u;m |o ]uo‰ †rġ v_; 1omা m†;vÄş bˆ; |_;l া l;ġ v_; -77v Äž|o Ń´;-um |o 0; u;vromvb0Ń´;ġ |o 7;ˆ;Ń´or bm|ubmvb1 loা ˆ-া om |o 7o ‰_-| |_;‹ ‰-m| |o 7oġ |o u;-7ġ u;-7ġ u;-7 -m7 -vh t†;vা omvġ |o Ń´ooh †r |o lo7;Ń´v ‰_o v_o‰ |_-| _-u7 ‰ouh -m7 7;|;ulbm-া om bv 0;‚ ;u |_-m - t†b1h C Šġ |o |_bmh o†| o= |_; 0oŠġ -m7 |o 0; 1u;-া ˆ; bm voŃ´Âˆbm] ruo0Ń´;lv bm |_;bu Ń´b=;ĺĿ $u†v| |_-| |_;‹ 1-m 7o b|ġ -m7 _-ˆ; |_; r-া ;m1; |o ‰-b| =ou |_;l |o 0Ń´oolÄş

PHYSICAL Since teen kids are swept up in confusing bodily changes such as a growth spurt and sexual maturation, it is wise to schedule a consultation with a doctor who handles adolescent issues, as well as with a gynecologist for your daughter, to assess their development as well as provide answers to their questions. PSYCHOLOGICAL In a document entitled Developing Adolescents, the American Psychological Association (APA) noted that changes in how adolescents think, reason, and understand can be even more dramatic than their obvious physical changes. But even though their capacity for higher thinking is developing rapidly, teens still need guidance in rational decision making.

“The adolescent

needs to know how to make the right decisions that will affect his life later on.�

“Character really matters at this stage,â€? emphasizes Gustillo-de Ocampo. “The adolescent needs to know how to Â?ƒÂ?‡ –Š‡ ”‹‰Š– †‡…‹•‹‘Â?• –Šƒ– ™‹ŽŽ ÂƒĆĄ ‡…– Š‹• Ž‹ˆ‡ Žƒ–‡” ‘Â?Ǥdz Help your child tame impulsive decisions and risky behaviors by providing healthy options like engaging in organized sports, singing in a choir, and joining civic-minded groups. Model positive behavior that you want your teen to imitate. At the same time, hold discussions about the dangers of risk-taking and deliberate with your child in setting reasonable limits and fair consequences for misbehavior. And be sure to follow through consistently with disciplinary actions. Conversely, strengthen positive behavior with praise whenever you catch your child doing good or abiding by the rules. Make frequent gestures of love and kindness; even older adolescents and young adults need constant validation that you love them despite their shortcomings. Parents should also renegotiate boundaries as children grow older because more freedom must be given with age and maturity. “There should be [discussions on] parameters, …‘Â?•‡“—‡Â?…‡•ǥ ĥ ™‡ŽŽ ĥ †‡Žƒ›‡† ‰”ƒ–‹Ƥ …ƒ–‹‘Â? •‹–—ƒ–‹‘Â?•ǥdz says Gustillo-de Ocampo. MORAL According to APA, cognitive development in adolescents in part lays the groundwork for moral reasoning, honesty, and pro-social behaviors such as volunteerism and caring for others. Help facilitate moral development by

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FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

Special Section THE STAGES OF GROWTH

Even older adolescents and young adults need constant validation that you love them despite their shortcomings. teaching young people to take another person’s perspective. For instance, ask, “How would you feel if you were ____?” Additionally, discuss issues involving fairness and morality in a positive atmosphere where the youth are encouraged to express themselves, ask questions, clarify their values, and evaluate their reasoning. Here, you should emphasize that racism, homophobia, and biases against persons with disabilities, among others, are destructive to both the individual and the society. SOCIAL Teens have to be equipped with life skills essential in everyday life. “Social and emotional skills are more important than cognitive skills,” explains Gustillo-de Ocampo. “You can be very smart but if you can’t share or be nice to another person, your academic strength will be useless.” She adds, “Friends are also important at this time. But teens must choose friends who will lift them up when they are down, support them when they are trying their best, and be happy for them when they have reached their goals.” EMOTIONAL Mastering emotional skills is necessary to manage stress, develop sensitivity towards others’ feelings, ơ Ǥ his or her personal and professional lives. Parents should guide their children to recognize and control their emotions. Being able to label feelings allows adolescents to identify options and take constructive action. Without this awareness, a person may seek to numb Ƥ ǡ ǡ or taking out their anger on others. They may also become withdrawn and depressed.

“Things do not come easy. Solving life issues is not a text or an emoji away.”

Gustillo-de Ocampo also highlights the importance of emotional stability. “I believe that children need to learn to be resilient. They need to understand that failures are needed so that they will learn how to bounce back with humility and Ƥ Ǥ Ǥ ȏ Ȑ not a text or an emoji away.” SPIRITUAL “I believe in spiritual development in teenagers,” she adds. “Children need to understand the meaning of prayer and to be able to have a relationship with God in their growing life.” Designate regular times to pray together as a family, and encourage each one to pray for each other and the people around them. Through it all, the educator advices parents to exercise patience because these are likely to be taxing, stormy years. Kids will talk back, they will get angry with you, but they will also grow up eventually. FM

NOT A CHILD, YET NOT AN ADULT Late teenhood is when individuals are neither children nor adults. In a paper entitled Adolescence: Supporting the Journey from Childhood to Adulthood, Montana State University educators Ann Klaas, Sandra Bailey, and Janis Bullock share research showing that the adolescent brain does not fully mature until the person is well into his or her twenties, and that Ƥ years. “Exactly when maturity is reached is based upon the individual’s experiences and his or her physical and psychological development,” they wrote. “Understanding the changes that are taking place during these years can help parents successfully guide and support their children.” December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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Teacher

Ram’s

Winning Ways By Maridol Ranoa-Bismark

Meet the proudly Pinoy teacher and former Bosconian student currently making waves in the Big Apple. Behind every successful man (or woman) is a happy family. Take it from outstanding New York-based Math teacher Ramil “Ram” Buenaventura. Don Bosco-trained Ram holds two prestigious honors—The Big Apple Award and the Hometown Heroes Award in Education—both of which he won in 2014 for excellence in his professional field. It was Ram’s wife Jane who saw the newspaper ad that became her husband’s—and later, the whole family’s—ticket to success in the U.S. Ram, then a Math teacher at La Salle Greenhills, took a leap of faith, sending his résumé to the agency and paying hefty fees for teacher training. Then he waited. Family support came in the form of his brother agreeing to lend Ram almost $6,000—interest-free—so he could have his papers processed. This, plus his passion for teaching, brought Ram in 2003 to the Big Apple, where he started working as a public school teacher in a tough neighborhood in Hollis, Queens, New York. 34

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

YOUTH TALK | CHOOSING

It was a far cry from the Philippine classroom setup where teachers were revered and their word was law. CLASSROOM SHOCK His first week was hell. Students chatted away while he was busy writing equations on the board. Most of them never did the homework he assigned. It was a far cry from the Philippine classroom setup where teachers were revered and their word was law. Exhausted and desperate, Ram broke down after a week and asked for the assistant principal’s help. It turned out that the situation was not new to the school administrator. Even American teachers went through this baptism of fire. Ram was given a mentor—a big guy—who sat down in class and made the students behave. But the peace and calm was only temporary. The students went back to their rowdy ways when the mentor stepped out of the classroom. Lesser mortals would have called it quits. But not this family man who thought of his wife and children back home, his love for teaching, and the debt he had to settle with his brother.

He stuck it out for four years, during which management showed its pleasure in his performance by hiring more Filipino teachers. Ram took it upon himself to become their informal adviser. Things eased a bit inside the classroom, although the stress remained. So Ram was overjoyed when Jane said he was scheduled for an

He sang and danced while writing fractions.

interview at the Renaissance Charter School in Jackson Heights. The school was located right across the apartment Jane and the children (they joined Ram on a dependent visa a year after he arrived in New York) were staying. “I was surprised when I learned about the interview,” says Ram. Jane had known all about her husband’s struggles and decided to take matters into her own hands. She sent Ram’s résumé to the Renaissance Charter School and, when someone called to ask if he was still interested in the job, arranged his interview schedule. “Raphael, Julienne [the children, now aged 17 and 15, respectively] and I would pass by the school on our way to the library,” Jane says to explain how she came to contact the school. Little did she know that the school would be her husband’s springboard to fame and fulfillment someday. When he got the job, Ram never imagined the big surprises and rewards that awaited him there. Since he had already proven his skills and capability, the school gave him full freedom inside the classroom. “I decided most of the major things. I ordered my own books. I designed my own teaching style,” relates Ram.

ADAPTING THE BOSCONIAN METHOD That style was a far cry from those of his colleagues. Ram, schooled in the Bosconian way of educating young people, adapted his teaching method to his students’ lifestyle. A Bosconian from grade school to high school at Don Bosco Technical College, Mandaluyong City and a former seminarian at Don Bosco-Canlubang, Ram recalled what his mentors had taught him and applied it to his new surroundings. He mingled with his students. He discovered their music, their favorite apps, the “toys” they loved. He bent the rules, and allowed the young’s favorite gadget—the cell phone—inside the classroom, turning it into a powerful learning tool. He sang 36

Dad’s

SUPPORTERS

Ramil “Ram” Buenaventura connects with his Teacher Ram with wife Jane and children students with the Raphael and Julienne help of his children Raphael and Julienne, who play a big role in making him every student’s favorite teacher. Among others, they introduce their father to popular music, like Justin Bieber’s Despacito, Psy’s Gangnam Style, and Silento’s Nae Nae. Ram, a former Bosconian seminarian who had been steeped in guitar music, often strings words and music together to create dance numbers that show how to add and subtract decimals. “Jane helps me with the lyrics. Julienne, who loves to dance, critiques my moves,” Ram says with a smile. He rehearses his dance creations with his children and gets their opinion about the lyrics of the song. He also asks for the correct pronunciation of words. Ram’s mini-projects are such a hit that his students try to outdo each other in volunteering for a part in his videos. Now on the drawing board are music videos regarding Math which Ram plans to upload to YouTube.

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

YOUTH TALK | CHOOSING

and danced while writing fractions. He rewarded his students with a round of their favorite game inside the classroom. Not surprisingly, the students, parents, school officials, fellow teachers, and New York City itself supported Ram. A student, some parents, and Jane nominated Ram in 2014 for the Big Apple Awards, which honors excellent teachers who enrich their community. Winning the award is like going through the eye of the needle. “New York has 8,000 to 10,000 teachers. The award chooses 10 to 12 outstanding teachers,” Ram explains. He went to the Department of Education, which sponsors the yearly project, where he underwent panel questioning. Government officials observed Ram’s class for three months. It helped that the school principal put in a good word for Ram in writing. Came awards day, Jane, Raphael, and Julienne looked on proudly as Ram went on stage and received his well-deserved recognition from former New York mayor Bill de Blasio. The Filipino community rejoiced and The Filipino Channel aired news of Ram’s victory via TV Patrol. “It was very exciting,” says Raphael. “It was nice to see my dad being recognized for his hard work.” His sister was just as overjoyed. “I was 11 years old,” Julienne recalls. “It was really crazy seeing my dad on TV! OMG, Dad was famous! He really deserved it. I saw him working super hard at home.” The Buenaventuras were in for another pleasant surprise when a student of Ram’s nominated him for the Hometown Heroes in Education award. This time, it was for teachers who touched students’ lives. Ram won again, thus scoring a back-to-back victory in 2014. The Hometown Heroes Awards is just as prestigious. No less than the New York Daily News surveys students and asks them for the name of the teacher who left the biggest impression on them.

The church comes alive with regular Filipino Masses, which Ram’s family introduced with the help of a Filipino priest.

TEACHING HIS KIDS You’d think that having a good teacher for a dad entails endless hours of academic training at home. That’s not true in Ram’s case. At home, as in the classroom, Ram empowers his children by respecting their learning style. He leaves them alone with their books and lets them figure out homework on their own. In refusing to spoon-feed his children, Ram is training them to be independent, resourceful, and creative. The result? Raphael and Julienne graduated class valedictorians in middle school. Intelligence is one thing; good values is another. Raphael and Julienne still end their sentences with “po” when addressing older people. “They were raised the Filipino way,” Jane, a full-time homemaker, says with pride. “Jane and I would look at them while they were asleep, and we couldn’t help but shed tears of joy. They’re such a blessing,” Ram adds.

He and the rest of the family make it a point to attend Sunday Mass together. It’s their way of cementing their bond and thanking God for their blessings. The church, a mere walking distance from the apartment where they live, comes alive with regular Filipino Masses, which Ram’s family introduced with the help of a Filipino priest. Since then, Filipinos in the area no longer have to go elsewhere to hear Mass in their mother tongue. The Buenaventura children are not just present physically. They participate in the Mass by singing, playing the guitar, and giving Powerpoint presentations. “It’s a family ministry,” Ram says, beaming. More than a decade after leaving the Philippines, the Buenaventuras remain a tight-knit family that remain true to their Filipino roots. This is the source of their strength, and the key to their happiness and success as a family and as individuals. FM

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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The young chime in on why they think Christmas family traditions are important.

Why We Treasure

Traditions By Aileen Carreon

Gathering round your grandparents’ Christmas tree for the annual gift-giving or watching holiday shows with your cousins every December—surely, your fondest childhood memories include times spent with your family during the Yuletide season. But now that you’re older, you may have started to view family holiday traditions as corny or boring. Still, don’t think of skipping clan get-togethers, or staying out with the barkada rather than helping Mom put up the Christmas trimmings. Why? Because holiday traditions bring many benefits to the family as a whole and to each member, and thus should be supported by young people to ensure they survive. 38

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

BENEFITS OF TRADITIONS By participating in these meaningful ceremonies, you are doing your part in maintaining practices that truly belong to your family and that demonstrate your family values. Family traditions allow you to enjoy something you have created together as a family. “I think everyone in the family should join the family holidays because that way, they are able to bond and get to know each other better,” says 15-year-old Dominique Ocampo, who enjoys the most their family out-of-town trips during the holiday break. And as a teenager, taking part in your family holiday traditions will do you a whole lot of good. The adolescent years bring about many changes. Life is more fast-paced and a lot of things come and go in your life. Traditions help keep you

YOUTH TALK | VALUING grounded with their constancy. Let tradition be your anchor year after year. Dalton Emanuel Mojica looks forward to socializing with his relatives. “I enjoy the usual Noche Buena and gift-giving during Christmas Eve. I’m also particularly fond of the annual Christmas gatherings on my mother’s side where we would line up to receive cash gifts from our uncles and aunts.” During New Year, the 15-year-old takes pleasure in joining the family’s tradition of welcoming a fresh year by banging pans and pots, rolling oranges, and tossing coins. At the same time, holiday traditions allow you to collect valuable memories with your loved ones over the years, from your childhood to your teen years and throughout your adult life.

Family traditions are important in building strong family relationships between generations and giving a sense of belonging.

Rites We Like Here are some wonderful holiday traditions that you may consider adding to your family’s Yuletide celebrations. Decorate your home. Assign a date (e.g., first Sunday of December) when the family starts decorating the house with trimmings. Get everyone involved. To make this even more memorable, start a tradition of sleeping around the Christmas tree on the first night it is decorated and lit. Attend Simbang Gabi. Complete the nine-day dawn masses as a family. After hearing Mass, buy puto bumbong and bibingka for everyone to eat at home, paired with salabat or a thick hot chocolate drink. Enjoy Noche Buena. The Noche Buena is one of the highlights of the Yuletide celebration. This is where Mom’s specialty dish, prepared only on Christmas, takes center stage. Holiday recipes that have been handed down from one generation to the next add nostalgia and a distinct sense of family to your Noche Buena. Teens and even young children can participate by preparing their own dish or dessert to be included in the Noche Buena feast each year. Set up the Nativity scene. Put together the belen, an iconic Filipino decoration depicting the Holy Family at the birth of Jesus, at home. To capture the message of Christmas, assemble the figurines minus the Holy Infant Jesus, adding Him on Christmas morning while you gather around to pray as one family. Take part in the aguinaldo tradition. Gift-giving during Christmas is part of the Filipino culture, done at home after Noche Buena and during family reunions on Christmas Day. Presents from under the tree are distributed one by one by the family patriarch who reads out the recipient and the giver’s name. After all the gifts have been handed out, family members open them all at the same time. Celebrate the Feast of the Three Kings. Held every first Sunday of January, the Feast of the Three Kings commemorates the journey of the Three Wise Men on their way to meet Jesus, and concludes the Christmas season. As a culminating holiday tradition, you may want to visit an orphanage or any other charitable institution to share your blessings and spread love and joy to those who need it the most. This is a great way of giving back to start the year right.

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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Allison Therese Baladad, aged 15, believes that family traditions create wonderful memories. “These memories will always be part of us. We can never turn back time, so it is best to participate in these moments and not have regrets. We can even share these memories with our close friends and with our family in the future, even our own children.” And even when holding the same traditions each year, new memories are created every time. These memories last forever, giving you something to look back on and bond over as a family. Fourteen-year-old Frances Seva always looks forward to family reunions. “Reunions allow us to communicate and interact as a family. We get to know our relatives and understand the essence of being together as one. These kinds of traditions help us understand the importance of family as we reminisce memories and continue to make more.”

The Impact on Kids Holiday traditions and rituals are an important part of childhood development, according to Utah-based preschool Kids Village. They help establish meaning to the holidays and detract from commercialism, and give children something to look forward to. They consciously link the season to family values and cultural meaning, while giving your children something more than presents or treats to remember. They create a routine of seasonality and rhythm for children. Little traditions like changing out decorations every season culminate in your child understanding and sensing time more accurately (and in a fun, meaningful way).

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These memories last forever, giving you something to look back on and bond over as a family. CEMENTING RELATIONS Christmas also promotes family time and togetherness. The holiday break provides family members, kept busy by work and school for the most part of the year, an opportunity to come together and enjoy each other’s company. Family traditions are important as well in building strong family relationships between generations, providing connectedness from generation to generation and giving a sense of belonging. “We don’t really have specific holiday traditions in our family; it usually depends on the mood, what’s trending and fun. But just spending time with my family is already enjoyable. We don’t see each other quite often so we usually just catch up with one another and that’s what I always look forward to,” says Allison Therese. She feels that family holiday traditions should be kept alive because “it shows the importance of being together and how strong our love is.” The Cruz siblings, meanwhile, view Yuletide rites as a way to further strengthen the family and the relationship between its members. “I enjoy our family Christmas dinner and going to my grandparents’ house to spend Christmas Day with the rest of the family,” shares Moira, 18. Younger brother Deio Vincenzo, aged 14, says, “Opening Christmas gifts all at the same time after Noche Buena is my favorite.” For 15-year-old Kathleen Seva,

FamilyMatters | December 2017-February 2018

family traditions must be kept alive as a way to bring everyone together. “It is also a way of remembering loved ones who have passed on. In addition, practicing traditions is a way of knowing our roots.”

CHERISHING MEMORIES Whatever your family tradition is, whether it involves taking a group photo with Lolo dressed as Santa, or going around the house making noises on New Year’s Eve, treasure it. After all, routines and traditions are said to be a hallmark of healthy families. Think about it, if your parents and other elders had not preserved your family holiday traditions, your Christmas celebrations as a child would probably not be as magical or unforgettable. More than the toys and gifts you’ve received over the years, family traditions are what you remember the most. Continue these observances for the next generation. You can even suggest something new to add to your family’s yearly holiday activities to make them even more fun. As your family goes through changes, the traditions sometimes change too, and that is all right. The venue of the annual family reunion may transfer to another relative’s house, for instance. What’s important is to come together as a family to share memories and pass on the family traditions and values. This Christmas season, make time for your family holiday traditions. FM

YOUTH TALK | GROWING

New Year’s Resolutions for the Soul

8

By Stephanie Mayo

Every new year brings an opportunity to become an improved version of you. Resolutions are more important than you think. Setting a goal to acquire more Instagram followers is not a New Year’s resolution, however. We are talking about transformative resolutions that provide genuine happiness and inner peace that Facebook can never give. Remember that we can’t see the future; only God knows what will happen to us in 2018. We cannot prevent illness, death, tragedy, or failure—but making life-changing resolutions can not only help you control what you can, it can also prepare you to cope with what you can’t. Here are eight resolutions to turn your life around—and make you happier, healthier, wiser, and spiritually richer beginning 2018.

There are countless ways to help others; even small acts of kindness can go a long way.

1

Practice Contentment.

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu

Contentment is a state of satisfaction and happiness. Discontent spawns negative feelings—and sometimes even immoral actions. Learn to embrace your current situation and do not desire what isn’t there. For example, you’ve moved to a different city and left your friends behind. Instead of sulking in your bedroom, feeling stuck and angry with your parents for displacing you, seek new friends. Get to know the neighborhood. Become involved in the community. The present, your current situation, presents boundless opportunities—you just have to open your eyes. Most of all, there is God’s grace, which manifests itself if you let go and let God.

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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2

Serve others. “The measure of a man’s greatness is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves.” - John Hagee

Human beings can be selfish sometimes. We demand that life serve our needs and desires. This year, instead of focusing too much on what you want, try to serve others. Serving people cultivates our love for our neighbor, which is one of God’s greatest commandments. Give a glass of cold water to the garbage collector. Help an elderly carry her heavy groceries. Do volunteer work, like joining a feeding program for street children once a week. Donate old books to the less fortunate. Help your struggling sister with her Math homework. Be generous with your time. There are countless ways to help others; even small acts of kindness can go a long way. And you will experience the joy and rewards of serving others without expecting anything in return.

6

Live outside a virtual life. “Focus on how to be social, not on how to do social.” - Jay Baer

If you’re a social media addict, resolve to end this addiction this year. Life is too short to live it on your phone. Social media addiction, as studies have proven, affects mental health and ruins relationships. Limit your social networking and make real connections with actual people. Unplug and live a genuinely fulfilling life; go out and meet a friend for coffee and conversation, read more often, watch a movie, see a play, go hiking, have meaningful conversations with loved ones, enjoy dining at a restaurant—without the need to record and post everything on Facebook for your virtual audience. Live life for real.

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3

Stop comparing yourself to others.

“The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” - Steven Furtick In this age of social media, it’s not hard to find people who appear to be richer, happier, smarter, or more successful than you. But measuring yourself against others brings only pain and suffering. There will always be someone better than you. But so what? That is the reality, and by accepting it, you become happier. Also, other people’s lives may look awesome, but do you know every detail of how they live? No one’s life is perfect. You don’t know the entire story. Instead of comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate, use your time and energy to chase your dreams, cultivate your own talents and skills, and do your own unique thing— not for an audience, but for yourself and your community.

7

Start living a healthy lifestyle.

“Health is not valued till sickness comes.” - Thomas Fuller While you’re still young, make a habit of exercising regularly and eating healthy. If you start now, you reduce your chances of developing serious illnesses in the future, like diabetes, fatty liver, and cardiovascular diseases. You don’t need to eliminate fast food, sugar, or junk food from your diet, or become obsessed with calorie count. But significantly increasing your intake of healthy foods and drinking plenty of water can enable you to live a long, quality life. My doctor told me: “Instead of getting a humongous slice of cake, just get a thin slice. If you deprive yourself, where’s the quality of life in that?” Move your body. Pick your type of exercise: gym, yoga, Zumba, sports, or lots of walking every day. You loathe exercise and sports? Doctors advise to just discipline yourself and get up every hour and walk for 5 to 10 minutes around the neighborhood. You don’t want to go outside? Then walk up and down the stairs in your house every hour. The keyword here is movement. Immobility can kill you. A healthy life is a happy life. Bonus: you also get to look great.

YOUTH TALK | GROWING

4

Enjoy the gift of life.

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world revolves—slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future; live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.” - Thich Nhat Hanh Life is too short to constantly live a hectic, ambitious, competitive, and stressed existence. God gave us many things to enjoy in this life. And to get more out of life, live in the moment. If you constantly stress about the future, you will rob yourself of peace and happiness. How many moments have you wasted worrying about the future? Time to stop this habit in 2018.

8

Be more grateful.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” - Oprah Winfrey There are many things to be grateful for, even in your darkest moment. If you start feeling sorry for yourself, quickly remove yourself from that state of mind and count your blessings. If you fail in your goal, be grateful for that supportive friend, for the comfort of your mother, and for the lesson learned from the failure. Learn to be thankful even if you feel you have nothing— which is impossible. You may be broke, but you are healthy. You may be ill, but you are getting treatment. You lost an arm, but you still have your eyes and your other limbs. You have no family or friends that support you, but you have God.

5

Stop living in the past.

“Guilt, regret, resentment, sadness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence.” - Eckhart Tolle Forgive yourself. Leave the ugly mistakes of yesterday behind. Living in the past will hold you back from many things—happiness, success, growth, and maturity. This year, resolve to focus on the now— because “now” is what matters. Pick yourself up, start anew, and start living life with a positive attitude.

Pick yourself up, start anew, and start living life with a positive attitude. NO OVERNIGHT CHANGES You cannot dramatically change as soon as the clock strikes 12, signaling the coming of the New Year and a new you. The important thing is to commit to your resolutions from Day 1 and work hard to stick to them. Discipline is crucial. But if you fail from time to time, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up—but don’t quit either. Pick yourself up and continue to keep the resolutions you made. With determination and help from above, you’ll get better at it—and start reaping the amazing rewards. FM

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By Gabriel Joshua M. Floresca

Young people must do their share in reviving the real meaning of Christmas in their home and their community. Family traditions, like those held during the Christmas season, play a significant part in teaching and reflecting the values that parents want their children to hold dear. Indeed, Christmas rituals not only bring families closer, they also help strengthen our faith in God. In our home, Christmas is traditionally celebrated by commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ and thanking the Lord for His blessings the whole year round. Before partaking of the Noche Buena, we share with each other what we are grateful for in the past year and thank God for continuing to bring positive changes in our lives. At the same time, Christmas is a great time to gather our clan members together, no matter where they live or how far they have to travel. Since my brothers and I were young, Christmas Eve has always been spent with Dad’s side of the family in Manila, while Christmas Day meant going to Laguna to my Mom’s childhood home to spend time with relatives there. 44

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YOUTH TALK | CELEBRATING

Small Talk Family Matters asked these children for their answers to this statement: “Name one special thing you do during the Christmas season to live the Christmas spirit.”

Some kids believe that Santa Claus and his bag of presents, not the birth of Christ our Savior, are the symbols of the season. Sadly, revered Christmas family traditions may be in danger of disappearing in the Philippines as more and more children today seem to be unfamiliar with the true spirit of Christmas. For instance, instead of finding ways to share their blessings, some kids expect to receive lots of gifts, particularly gadgets, believing that Santa Claus and his bag of presents, not the birth of Christ our Savior, are the symbols of the season. And although storytelling is a frequent parent-child bonding activity, not all parents relay to their children the important story of how Christmas came to be. In times like these when family members get separated for various reasons, materialism is on the rise, and violence and disregard for human rights are widespread, there is an urgent need to recapture the real purpose of Christmas.

should “beChristmas about family,

“Think of Jesus. We decorate. We put up the Christmas tree and place the star on top. And we put our names on the strings.” ~ Blue Elijah Songalia, 4 “During the Christmas season I give gifts to my teachers and classmates and share old toys through a fastfood chain’s toy drive to show kindness and share blessings with others.” ~ Jared Villaverde, 8 “I live out the Christmas spirit by praying and being good. I also share my toys and clothes with orphans at Hospicio de San Jose so they can be happy and feel good and loved.” ~ Mati Lopa, 9 “I sing Christmas carols as it makes people feel and enjoy the season even more. I sing as I wrap gifts for the indigent people near our house so that they, too, can feel that Christmas is a season for giving and that is why we celebrate it in the first place.” ~ Xhainna Angel Frances Lobo, 12

God, and sharing our blessings with other people.

”

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EARLY START Although family customs may differ with each household, they are definitely special in their own way. According to my parents, establishing traditions is best done while the children are still young so they will keep looking forward to these rituals as they grow up. First-time mom Audrey Banag-Inocencio agrees, and she shares her excitement for her daughter’s first Christmas this December. “Martina will be almost seven months old by then and I would like to introduce her to the traditional Catholic Christmas just like the way I was raised by my parents,” she says. She adds, “Christmas should be about family, God, and sharing our blessings with other people. I want her to join us for mass and our usual gift-giving to families in need during this season.” Apple Esplana-Manansala, mom to Andrei, says they started their own family traditions during her son’s first Christmas three years ago. She lists down some ideas that new parents can adopt to start off their own Christmas family rituals:

z Put up a Christmas tree at home so your children know that it is part of your holiday tradition. Light it up every night until after New Year’s Eve.

z Wrap presents and give them not only to your grandparents and other relatives, but also to less fortunate neighbors. “Since Andrei’s first Christmas, we have been donating toys to foundations,” says Apple.

Spruce ‘Em Up Could your family’s Christmas traditions benefit from some updating or enhancing to make them more fresh and exciting? No worries. The Internet is full of ideas that you can customize around your own family’s lifestyle. Here are some suggestions to get you started: Do a video interview of family members every Christmas Eve.

Hide the presents on Christmas Day and make clues as to where they can be found.

Take a picture each year in front of the Christmas tree in the same poses to show how you and your siblings are growing up.

Before bedtime, read Christmas stories or share readings from the Gospel about the birth of Jesus.

Like the Wise Men, offer gifts

z Have your children listen to and sing Christmas carols even at home. “We taught our son to sing songs like ‘Jingle Bells,’ ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas,’ and ‘Ang Pasko Ay Sumapit.’ He especially likes ‘Jingle Bells,’” relates the doting mom.

z Have kids experience light shows during the Christmas season. In the past three years, the Manansalas have been to the Belenismo festival in Tarlac, the light show at Ayala Triangle Gardens, and the light show in San Jose, California.

z Most importantly, teach your children that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. “So we always sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Him on Christmas Day,” says Apple. This Christmas, may we all remember not to dwell too much on material things because gifts merely play a small part in the holiday celebrations. What’s more important is to find meaningful ways to commemorate Christmas and pass these practices on to the generations after us. And beyond the season, let us also remember that giving thanks for our blessings and sharing what we have should be done consistently yearlong. FM

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to Baby Jesus. Write down your offering (preferably something admirable like changing a bad habit, studying more, or helping with the house chores) and place it before the belen or under the Christmas tree.

Play the Good Samaritan and walk around your neighborhood doing simple acts of service like visiting an elderly neighbor, giving gifts to the security guards on night duty, or offering meals to the underprivileged.

YOUTH TALK | STARRING

‘I Can’ Motto By Maridol Ranoa-Bismark When you first see her, Pinoy Big Brother (PBB) big winner Marydale “Maymay” Entrata seems like your average young Filipina. Hailing from the province, the petite Maymay doesn’t have the mestiza looks of her love team partner, Edward Barber, or other celebrities with foreign blood.

December 2017-February 2018 | FamilyMatters

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In addition to her unflinching will to succeed, Maymay has a secret weapon that keeps her focused on her goal—an inner strength born of faith. But the “ordinary-looking” 20-year-old from Cagayan de Oro has an edge over many prettier rivals: grit and the can-do spirit. “I want to succeed come what may,” she told this writer in Filipino. In addition to her unflinching will to succeed, Maymay says she has a secret weapon that keeps her focused on her goals— an inner strength born of faith. Her spiritual awakening happened in college. At that time, she was without her family in the Philippines. Her mom and older brother were staying in Japan, and her dad had abandoned the family when Maymay was only a year old.

Discovering Her Faith Left to fend for herself in the province, Maymay says she found a second family in her church mates, and she relates that blessings started coming one after another after she found renewed faith. Among these graces was her winning a college scholarship at the Mindanao University of Science and Technology. The choir conductor also accepted Maymay into the group even if “I was not as good as my talented choir mates,” says Maymay. Friends told her the conductor didn’t usually accept people who couldn’t sing well. But he saw something in the eager student—her resolve to overcome challenges—and assigned her to sing the second voice for praise and worship songs in church. “I didn’t know how to sing. But I summoned up all my courage and he took pity on me,” Maymay recalls. It is this can-do spirit that made Maymay decide to leave her extended family in Cagayan de Oro and come to Manila to try her luck on PBB. At Big Brother’s house, she discovered that she could reach her dreams as long as “I don’t step on people’s toes and I’m not doing anything wrong.” Maymay’s innate charm, wit, and humor earned her the title “Wacky Go Lucky of CDO (Cagayan de Oro).” Come finals night last May, Maymay emerged as the PBB Lucky Season 7 big winner, receiving a house and lot, an Asian tour package, and P1 million in cash prize for grabbing the top spot. 48

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Maymay with reel partner Edw ard Barber

Winning Values Maymay says she sees a divine hand guiding her, even as her Twitter account (@MarydaleEntrat5) quotes a Bible passage: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” “My church mate said God prepared me for PBB. I gained wisdom, patience and the ability to control myself after I got involved in the church,” she adds. These values spelled more success for the rising Kapamilya personality. She and fellow PBB alumnus Edward (together called MayWard) then starred in a fun fast-food chain commercial. The publishing arm of her home studio ABS-CBN is preparing a MayWard book. Star Cinema, the network’s film division, is reportedly planning a movie for them. Meanwhile, MayWard has done several music videos, graced magazine covers, and traveled around the country while fans cheered and chanted the couple’s name. Maymay has no intention of slowing down because she is chasing a big dream: bring her mom and extended family members (a cousin, an uncle, and a grandmother) from CDO to join her in Manila. She’s bent on uniting her loved ones in Manila and making them happy. Her advice to young people relates to faith and family. “I want to tell teens who want to finish their studies, escape poverty and reach other goals that the best inspiration is family. This and their faith in God will make their dreams come true. Nothing is impossible.” There’s no reason to be afraid, she goes on. Just go ahead and explore the world. These are words not to be taken lightly, coming from someone who has triumphed, not only on a big reality show, but more importantly, in mastering herself, and who is ready to face the world with head held high, eyes sparkling with hope. FM

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