3 minute read
Britannia Unchained | Michael Johnson
BRITANNIA UNCHAINED
To paraphrase Rousseau, ‘Man has voted to be free, but everywhere is in chains.’ We had been promised greater freedoms, but I had certainly not seen any. It was time for some answers. Putting on my roving reporter hat I decided to call Conservative Central O ce. Logic would suggest, all I had to do was believe the exact opposite of what they told me and I would know where we stood. I got through to the switchboard almost instantaneously.
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“Fuck o !” The line went dead
I needed another approach. I called again. “I’m putting together an article about the new freedoms Brexit has brought us and wondered if I could talk to a minister?”
“Are you having me on?” “Not at all. I believe there was a minister for Brexit bene ts, could I talk to him?” There was a strange honking noise on the other end of the phone. “Are you alright?” I asked “Sorry, just snorted some tea out of my nose. We had to let that minister go. He wouldn’t come out of his room.” “Oh dear, that’s a shame. It’s a really important question, whether we have any of the freedoms promised to us, whether we have been able to shrug o any of our chains, and I’d like to get the government’s point of view. Is there anyone from the Home O ce – the Home Secretary maybe?” “Not for a few days, I’m afraid, that department’s on a ban, no electronics for the rest of the week. We’ve had to take their phones and computers away.” “OK. How about this. I understand there’s now a Minister Without Portfolio, they should have a general idea of what’s going on in all the departments.”
“Traditionally that would be the case, but the minister in question simply forgot where she left her portfolio. She had one, she’s virtually certain, and we’ve walked her ‘round the di erent cabinet o ces looking for it, but nothing’s come back to her so far. The other problem is, she’s a bit dull. We can’t remember which department she was in either…” “Is there anyone I can talk to?” “I think the Minister for Sewage will be back from lunch shortly.” “I didn’t know the was such a thing as a Minister for Sewage. I thought that would simply come under the Environment banner.” “Well… That did use to be the case. But the Environment is a big thing to look after, as you can see for yourself if you ever wander around in the countryside for a while. And to be honest, with too much information the Minister’s mind would start to wander. So we’ve had to hive parts of it o . I’ll see if I can get him.” There was a minute or so of various clicks and odd tones, then the voice came back. “It seems he was just about to nish lunch, but has just ordered another bottle of claret, a large brandy and a cigar, so could be some time. However, as it happens, I can guess what you were going to ask him. ‘Why is one of the only freedoms Brexit has brought us is the freedom to dump unlimited sewage in our waters.’ But there you see you don’t have the whole picture. This sewage dumping was in fact a joint initiative by the Departments of Immigration and Health. It was meant to point out two things. Firstly it was meant to help tackle the rise in obesity. It was meant to point out, if you eat too much, you’re going to shit too much, so better cut down or you’ll be drinking your own poo. Secondly it was meant to point out that, if you allow too many immigrants in, then there’s more people eating food and there’ll inevitably be more shit as well. It’s a fact of life.” “If any journalist had been briefed with this, frankly absurd, insulting and dangerous policy I think I would have heard about it” “That was the Minister for Communication’s fault” he sniggered. You’d scarcely believe it, with everything that’s gone on recently, but he forgot to send the email…”
