uKUNST 07

History In • e Faking Well, here we are again fellow people of the social distance. It certainly is, in historical terms, a blast from the past as we contemplate and possibly assimilate yet another curse upon the human race. History, like a bent politician or an overdose of crème brûlée, has a habit of repeating on itself. And so, like all the previous calamities that have rightly or wrongly befallen the somewhat stupe ed upright ape, our current plagues are surely destined to be repeated ad in nitum. It is dif cult to recall an age so detached, strange and subject to ignorant and primal behaviour unless of course we include the now long-forgotten Brexit Epidemic of 1916 when we all wore diapers or trousers regardless of our academic and religious leanings. In more recent times the world has been turned upside down and inside out, politicians have been hoisted on there own sanitary and socially distanced petards, cruisers have been condemned to eternal cruising and (bless the Melton under my collar) if the country isn’t drifting towards that jingoistic pre-war feeling where anything goes. • e current plague upon us is not via corrupt religions, states, leaders, corporations or social media gurus) it is a viral pandemic. • is means that it can affect anyone and it is seemingly, at present, running out of control. Indeed not dissimilar to our leaders, global corporations and twatter accounts. And the herd never has immunity as the individual animals making up the heard have no individual defence and so each is destined to suffer the fate of the whole ignorant and panicked whole. • e more you all comply (without question) the quicker we will all get through this! Global detention is the current cure for an outbreak that some believe was manufactured. Certainly, to the casual onlooker, the clearing of the streets and shortages of basic foods hold more attraction for a fascisto despot than any socialist or libertarian. Politicians and their free-market friends appear to be devoid of the ability and wit to ensure that health service staff and units are provided both necessary and often statutory protective equipment and clothing to ful ll their crucial roles safely and ef ciently. A National Health Service Trust, as an employer, must surely have a legal duty of care to assure the above conditions are met. Private business trumps public organisations because it is more ef cient and better value for taxpayers’ money! So these well-paid, well-educated political and business inepts cannot order medical supplies with two months notice but can overnight rustle up an emergency fourth Reich virus bill that subjugates the people under a totalitarian regime with draconian powers popular with the Nazis, South Americans and even some African states.

And so the new world order is one where citizens, much like 1930s Spain or Germany, are likely to infect themselves and each other with fatal consequences. Another similarity is the relish with which folk (or volk) are willing to greedily accept and swallow whatever they are fed. • is regardless of where the feed comes from or what it contains. In the media lie after lie, misinformed pundit after clueless minister and smug pensioned ex-parliamentarian after above inflation pay rise sucking parliamentarian shamelessly espouse (lucrative) bullshit to the world and occasionally incredulous (but more frequently credulous) GBBC (Grievous Bodily Broadcasting Corporation) talent. I use the word loosely. Indoors the gob smacked wait eager to hear about the Chancellor’s extraordinarily generous package clueless that money is printed rather than growing on trees. All orchestrated behind the scenes by the be-duffle-coated Demonic Comings, the beet noir of the elderly and eugenically diverse amongst us. Times like these call to mind that great explorer Capt. John (Quaker) Oates whose last recorded words were, I’m just popping out to Iceland, I may be some time.

Welcome to this stunned, tortured and disgruntled but inevitable edition. uKUNST Enjoy Der Herausgeber April MMXX

Important Notice. Concerned customers and local businesses have been asking what is going on with the absolute chaos in the centre of West Norwood. •ese ongoing works are denitely affecting trade. •ose used to driving or taking buses to local shops are not happy about being caught for several days in the endless tailbacks, without easy access to basic facilities, such as food, toilets and bedding… Unfortunately, based on the latest updates from •ames Water, it looks like this could go on for a while. What initially seemed to be a simple problem of replacing failing water pipes has become much more serious… Excavations beneath Norwood Road have revealed signs of a previously unknown gateway to the flaming pits of hell beneath the town centre. As •ames Water spokesman, Arne Saknussem has explained, ‘It is not uncommon to nd undocumented pipes and cables in this type of work. However, the worst we normally nd is a broken sewer, not an entrance to the netherworld. So this has put back our plans by some weeks while we plan a new route for our excavations.’ Shocking I know, in this day and age, but this is something that we can neither take lightly nor x quickly with a bodge job. Bunging up the hole with some chipboard simply will not do. No-one wants to see Satan and his minions erupting from the high street, drooling re and brimstone onto an already compromised road surface and impaling prospective shoppers on their fearsomely sharp, forked tails. Already one of his minor demons briefly escaped, befouling nearby railway tracks with its sulphurous breath, causing a bus replacement service to run from West Norwood station for the whole of last weekend. As if we didn’t have enough problems with customers getting to the area... Obviously •ames Water have been obliged to increase the amount of heavy machinery in the high street to deal with this issue. And there will initially be an increase in large vehicles, as tankers of holy water are driven on site and pumped into the ery maw of hell as a precautionary measure. What materials will be required to permanently seal the loathsome spawn of the devil safely beneath the tarmac are unsure at this moment. But be assured we will be pressuring •ames Water to make sure that they are as environmentally friendly as possible. More updates will be posted as we receive them. High Street Update. Following the revelations earlier this week of an unexpected entrance to Hades discovered whilst replacing water mains in the high street, local groups have been quick to respond to this news, calling a number of emergency meetings. Professor Dan Helsing at the Norwood Action Group gathering, concerned about possible invasion by demonic forces, has proposed that all digging is halted and the whole area sealed with garlic infused cement, which caused much merriment when it was pointed out that this would only stop vampires. •e professor later admitted that vampires were indeed his only eld of expertise. •e Norwood Overreaction Group had two suggestions. One party proposed that the government start a forced evacuation of South London and nuke West Norwood into oblivion. •is was opposed by another faction who suggested simply putting up a banner stating ‘Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here’ at all entrances to the town. •e argument became quite heated between these two groups and we were forced to leave when it turned into a ght… •e Norwood Inaction Group were also approached for a comment but have yet to reply... •e Westnorwood Tourist Forum has questioned whether this was being looked at in the wrong way. •ey wondered if the prospect of a brief glimpse into hell could become quite a tourist attraction, bringing much-needed visitors into the area. It was quickly pointed out, however, that there was no way of knowing whether a demon exiting the portal on its way to reap chaos and destruction would simply wave hello or disembowel, decapitate or otherwise inconvenience visitors to the site. •at is the nature of evil.