In the sphere of adolescent issues, such as substance abuse and acting out, Lyubomirsky says, “you have the biggest problems with the very poor and the very rich.” But it’s the latter whose families can afford private therapy, making the problems of moneyed progeny practically a specialty in their own right. Fox says family issues typically boil down to “an inability to communicate and connect.” “People think, ‘I’m giving you everything. Shouldn’t that be enough?’ Well, no, it’s not,” she says, adding that while daily life might be easier, relationships are not. (And on the subject of giving, Lyubomirsky says that parents would be wise to emulate Warren Buffett’s estate-planning philosophy: Leave your kids “enough money so that they would feel they could do anything, but not so much that they could do nothing.”) Fox echoes Klein’s emphasis that young adults find selfworth and resilience in employment. And while some parents are uncomfortable discussing finances at the dinner table, she strongly recommends starting at an early age by telling children what things cost and teaching them the difference between need (they’ve outgrown their old sneakers) and want (the latest sneakers are really cool), as well as demonstrating philanthropy. Most important, she adds, is to focus on character. “Turn the lens on who you are as opposed to what you have,” Fox says.
“You have the expectation that if you have a lot of things, shouldn’t you be happy?” In the same vein, Sanderson, the Amherst professor, advises accomplished parents to consider their kids’ personalities and passions and not push their own hard-charging career paths on them or hold up “wealth as a measure of intelligence.” She recounts a brunch at her eldest child’s elite prep school, where she mentioned to their table that she thought he’d make a great high-school teacher. One parent leaned over and opined, “Oh, he’s so bright. He could do so much better.” Sanderson was appalled. “For me, it was like, being a teacher would be so meaningful,” she says. (Not to mention he’d have summers off.) But, she laments, parents all too often let status and bragging rights get in the way.
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hat remains to be seen is how the psychology of money will change in the post-Covid world. Prior to the pandemic, there was already a yawning gap in the joyful experiences people could afford, but many of life’s daily irritants were equal-opportunity afflicters. Or as author Laura Vanderkam, who specializes in time management, puts it, “Whether you earn half a million a year or $50,000, you’re still stuck in traffic on your way to work.” But the pandemic has cast a glaring spotlight on the stark differences, with the prosperous living what look to the struggling middle and working classes like vacations, in well-appointed homes with multiple freezers, ample outdoor space, swimming pools and live-in help. “When adversity hits—illness, divorce—people with wealth are buffered. That’s always been true,” Lyubomirsky says. “This is just a global example.” Although most in the upper class are cushioned against such
economic downturns, Ho says some could be feeling the heat of business failures. “When there’s a threat that it might go away, it rips into their self-esteem,” she says. “ ‘Who am I if I’m not this person who makes a ton of money?’ ” Rubin, who blasts her followers daily uplifting quotes from Zora Neale Hurston, the Oracle of Delphi and the like, says she has sensed more reflection and gratitude of late. “Some people feel they don’t have the right to experience personal loss given what’s happening,” she explains. “Wealth is like health. When we have it, it’s easy to take for granted and not think about it. These things matter much more in the negative.”
Still Want to Buy Happiness? Here’s How. Michael Norton, a professor at Harvard Business School with a Ph.D. in psychology, likes to quip that if you have a lot of money and are unhappy, you’re not spending it right. Here, a few ways to improve. J.B. PRIORITIZE SHARING Some experts posit that special experiences, including travel and entertainment, give more bang for the buck than material objects—even though experiences are fleeting. Moreover, communal experiences and, similarly, shared objects, such as a fleet of bikes for the whole clan, beat those that are for individual use. “In general, spending money on yourself isn’t bad,” says Norton, who has researched generosity. “It just doesn’t do much for you.” But excessively materialistic people, Catherine A. Sanderson notes in her book The Positive Shift, have higher rates of depression, health complaints and marital strife. BUY TIME Author Laura Vanderkam, a specialist in time management, suggests spending on extra household help or even a home closer to the office to create more opportunities for leisure, whether clocking extra hours with loved ones or just reading a good book. “Time is a non-
renewable resource,” she says. With TaskRabbit-like services widespread, there’s virtually no obnoxious chore that can’t be outsourced these days. GIVE IT AWAY In a blow to the concept of altruism, philanthropy not only helps recipients but also has a well-documented positive emotional impact on the giver. In addition to charitable donations, spending on other people—say, a gift for your mom—also lifts your mood, as do acts of kindness. “Anything that helps you direct your focus off yourself is helpful,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. TAKE IT SLOWLY If you’re concerned friends or lovers are interested only in your money, says Judy Ho, a clinical neuropsychologist and associate professor at Pepperdine University, then dial it down: Try a coffee date rather than a Michelin-starred restaurant. And if you’re the type who doesn’t leave the house without an entourage, remember that your personal trainer doesn’t have to fly first class just because you do. In general, Ho advises, distinguish between real friends and the paid variety.
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