Produced by Lisa Mezzacappa and the Paul Dresher Ensemble/New Performance Traditions. Based on an article by Lindsy van Gelder.
Episodes 1–4 were recorded, mixed and mastered by John Finkbeiner at New, Improved Recording, Oakland CA, with additional tracking by Eli Crews at Spillway Sound in Marbletown, New York. Episodes 5–9 were recorded by Myles Boisen at Guerrilla Studios in Oakland CA, with additional engineering by Adam Munoz at Opus Studios in Berkeley, CA and Wayne Peet at Newzone Studio in West Los Angeles. Zach Miley recorded the Premier Ensemble at Kanbar Performing Arts Center in San Francisco, CA. Episodes 5–9 were mixed and mastered by Eli Crews at Spillway Sound in Marbletown, New York.
Logo design and libretto layout by Dan Nelson. Additional graphic design by Nicki Davis.
Created with support from the Gerbode Foundation, the Phyllis C. Wattis Foundation, InterMusic SF, the City of Berkeley Civic Arts Program, the Zellerbach Family Foundation, the Live Music Revival Fund, and an SSB Away residency.
INN371 / INN372 / INN373 / INN374 / INN375 / INN376 / INN377 / INN378 / INN379
Director of Recordings: Chris Campbell / Manager of Recordings: Tim Igel Innova is supported by an endowment from the McKnight Foundation.
© Lisa Mezzacappa 2024, all rights reserved.
The Electronic Lover
An Audio Opera in Nine Episodes
Co-created by Lisa Mezzacappa & Beth Lisick
MUSIC
LIBRETTO
Lisa Mezzacappa Beth Lisick
CAST
Karina Denike
Michelle Amador
Katy Stephan
Melody Jeune Ferris
Nikola Printz
Will Adams
David James
Sidney Chen
Lola Miller
Shawnette Sulker
CHOIR
Joan, aka QuietLady, aka Talkin’Lady
Margot, aka GoGo
Frankie, aka Friday
Theresa, aka T-Rex
Susan, aka MizStacks
Stan, aka SirStacks
Garrison, aka Buck
Alex, aka SaltySherlock
Marianne, aka Charlene
Angelwings
Aurora Josephson / Danishta Rivero
Jesse Olsen Bay (Ep. 1) / David Katz (Ep. 2–9)
ENSEMBLE
Beth Lisick
Steve Blum
Jordan Glenn
Lisa Mezzacappa
SPECIAL GUESTS
narrator
synthesizer, keyboard
drum set, percussion
acoustic & electric bass, drum machine
Del Sol Quartet (Ep. 6): Sam Weiser & Benjamin Kreith, violin
Charlton Lee, viola / Kathryn Bates, cello
The Premier Ensemble of the San Francisco Girls Chorus (Ep. 9)
Valérie Sainte-Agathe, director
Episode 1: The Pilot
It’s the early 1980s, and people across the US are connecting online for the first time. Internet service providers are setting up bulletin boards and chatrooms (also called forums, or “bands” after CB radio) for their customers, allowing people to discuss hobbies, politics, work, life and love with like-minded people they might never have met otherwise. Margot (handle: GoGo) gets hired to be the Community Manager at a new online community. As women in the chatrooms find themselves talked over and preyed upon by men, Joan (handle: QuietLady) comes out of her shell and requests a forum for women only. She and Margot emerge as the leaders of a close-knit group of computer-savvy women, and bond over their newfound sense of purpose and possibility.
Episode 2: So Long, QuietLady
The members of the women-only chatroom begin to open up to each other about their lives, desires and fears. Frankie (handle: Friday) is fed up with being undervalued by her male colleagues at work. We learn more about Joan’s personal journey as she emerges to become the group’s leader, confessor and confidant. Even outside the women’s forum, everyone is buzzing with the energy Joan (now Talkin’Lady) has brought to the online community.
Episode 3: T-Rex Steps Out
Theresa (handle: T-Rex) confides in Talkin’Lady about her frustrations as a disabled woman, and confesses a desire to someday meet some of her online friends IRL. Talkin’Lady encourages her to conquer her fears and expand her horizons beyond the computer screen.
Episode 4: MizStacks Cuts Loose
Talkin’Lady and MizStacks (Susan) cultivate an online flirtation as Margot tries to protect MizStacks’ secret. Margot observes the dynamics unfolding in the chatroom with apprehension, and she and Joan have a tense confrontation about privacy and ethics in the forum.
Episode 5: Talkin’Lady Drops a Bomb
After a rollicking set of exchanges in the Relationships forum, Joan pulls the women into their private room to introduce her new love interest, Alex (handle: SaltySherlock). Margot confides in Garrison (handle: Buck) about her concerns over Joan’s manipulative tendencies, which have hurt Susan’s feelings. Frankie reflects on her life as an adult student and the dynamic of having Joan as her patron, and Joan drops some big news.
Episode 6: Cyberwedding
Members of the forum convene to celebrate Joan and Alex’s nuptials at the world’s first online wedding, complete with virtual cake, flowers, champagne and dancing. Members of the women’s forum bring gifts, and Frankie’s teenage daughter Marianne (handle: Charlene) sings a song she wrote for the bride and groom.
Episode 7: The Silent Circle
Joan’s new husband Alex hops into the women’s forum to warn of imposters in the online community, prompting chatroom members to wonder who can be trusted. Alex opens up about his past, and Joan creates a secret society to protect the women in the forum from interlopers.
Episode 8: Compusex Compumurder Compuwhat!
Joan convinces Frankie to visit New York for a blind date with one of her psychiatrist friends. Meanwhile, Joan’s incessant gossip in the online forum is starting to make everyone uneasy. Margot calls an emergency meeting and the members of the women’s forum confront Joan about her behavior — but Joan still has more secrets to reveal.
Episode 9: Epilogue (2000)
Nearly 20 years have passed, and Frankie’s daughter Marianne pulls our narrator out of semi-retirement to play her some clips from her new podcast, The Electronic Lover. She’s been interviewing her mom’s old friends about the early days of the internet, and finally discovers what happened between Joan, Margot, Frankie, Theresa, Stan and Garrison all those years ago.
NARRATOR
The Scene: the virtual village square, 1984. The internet community is chatting away.
VOICE 1
In a field, in a tree, in the back seat of my mother’s car (of course)
Part of the venerable Mile High Club
When I was very young and very stoned
Where else?
VOICE 2
Jeez, Carly, you’re starting to get me riled up over here
VOICE 1
Oh keep it in your pants, Moonrock.
Where else? What about Disneyland?
Anybody ever do it on Space Mountain?
VOICE 3
Been laid up for a few days recovering Bike accident
You shoulda seen the other guy
VOICE 4
That’s awful
I don’t know why they don’t put in a bike lane
After what happened to Mac
I’ll never ride without a helmet again
VOICE 3
Lucky my skull is so thick!
VOICE 5
Both the radiator and the heater hoses are easy to change
On the Malibu
Or a Torino
But to replace the fuses
You’ll have to kneel down outside the driver’s side
And sort of contort yourself
VOICE 6
We both know I’m somewhat of a yogi
It shouldn’t present a problem
NARRATOR
Ah, the sound of people chatting on the internet!
VOICE 2
My father would start taking off his belt
And hoo boy
VOICES 1 & 2
Good old-fashioned Calvinist values!
VOICE 1
My Catholic dad did that, too
And my mom never intervened
VOICES 1 & 2
Not even when he beat me till I passed out
NARRATOR
But you’ll notice something is different.
VOICE 3
I first read Siddhartha as a twelve year old
I don’t think I quite got it
NARRATOR
Hmmm.
VOICE 6
While I agree with almost everything you’ve said here I will take exception with one point, which is that…
GOGO
In this conference, we’re going to start putting the first response to each thread in the body of the text. And the topic header can include the number of lines so people know how long it is before they start reading. What if we put the name of the topic in all caps?
VOICES 3 & 4
All caps sounds like yelling!
NARRATOR
This is the early ‘80s. The Net. The Web. Cyberspace.
VOICE 2
So you gonna join Ronnie and Nancy in the White House?
VOICE 6
You calling me a fascist?
VOICES
We don’t want a FLAME WAR
VOICE 6
Margot, can you ask him to stop flaming me?
VOICE 2
I wasn’t flaming her!
GOGO
Hey guys, can you keep it civil?
I don’t want to be herding kittens
In the conference
All night long
signing on
VOICE 6
Anybody here?
I had to practically Strangle my daughter with the phone cord
So I could get on the modem
logging on
NARRATOR
No wifi, no broadband, no DSL, no smart phones, no laptops.
signing in
VOICE 4
Give me your address and I’ll mail you a shot of Charlie
I got doubles made at the Fotomat
NARRATOR
No cameras, no jpgs, no attachments, no graphics, no video, no porn, no social media, no text messaging, no e-commerce, no bots, no trolls. No search engines. No cloud.
logging out powering on
VOICE 6
Is anyone else awake and on the band right now?
NARRATOR
That’s roughly: U up?
logging in
VOICE 4
Hilarious story, Nance
Hold on, I’m going to pull my lasagna out of the oven
Then let’s continue this shutting down
NARRATOR
And that’s LOL BRB.
signing off
VOICE 5
I’m going to call it for tonight
Thanks for all, Margot
GOGO
Goodnight, DoctorFunk
NARRATOR
Not a real doctor.
Black screen, green type, blinking cursor, dial-up modems. Questions posed and left unanswered. Souls bared and twisting in the wind for hours. Until someone logged on!
Did the Grateful Dead play “Deep Ellum Blues” last night?
One time I was in an elevator with John Wayne
My tips for making the perfect béarnaise
When should I prune my heirloom climbing roses?
Where do you live?
Are you M or F?
Are you married?
NARRATOR
Steelhead trout, geodesic tents, the San Diego Padres, Stephen King, Thailand, AIDS, Chrysler Minivans, Specialized mountain bikes, the Apple MacIntosh, dancing raisins, fajitas, Beirut, Basquiat. Divorce. Life. On your computer.
VOICES
Right now
How are you dressed?
What color is your hair?
What do you look like?
Do you wear glasses?
What is your nose like?
Teeth straight or crooked?
How about your eyes?
Right now
Where are you sitting?
What is on the walls?
At home or in an office?
Your workplace, your home, your home workplace?
Are there people or animals around?
What do you see when you look out the window?
Right now
How are you feeling?
Where are you from?
Where are you going?
Where are you on the path?
What are you feeling?
Where are you at?
Right now
Ones and zeroes and zeroes and ones
Ones and zeroes and zeroes and ones
Ones and zeroes and zeroes and ones
Ones and zeroes and zeroes and ones
GOGO
In another life
I had another life
NARRATOR
Margot Halperin had been living on a commune since 1971.
GOGO
Twenty-seven babies
Twenty-seven humans
Twenty-seven alive
NARRATOR
Don’t worry. They weren’t all hers. She was the commune’s midwife.
GOGO
Sasha, Rainbow, Jacob, Sage, Marley, Christopher
Chiara, Anthony, Clyde, Cubby, Flower, Jose, Tinsley
Sondra, Scout, Oliver, Annabelle, Daisy, Jeremy, Dove
Serena, Fukiko, Aura, Buckley, Simon, Pilar
And little Nicky
Little Nicky
Who died on the school bus that awful winter
And the gentle souls who left us too soon
NARRATOR
She was the perfect person for that job. Warm, nurturing, calm in an emergency. But after twelve years living on a rural farm…
GOGO
Growing our own food
Sewing our own clothes
Building our own homes
NARRATOR
…struggling to make their dream a reality…
GOGO
Turnips and pole beans
Washing diapers by hand
Recycling cans to buy heating oil
NARRATOR
A friend she grew up with, her old high school boyfriend actually, asked if she’d like to come back to civilization. Work at this company he’d founded.
GOGO
Garrison Litchfield
Picked me up for the prom
On a motorcycle
NARRATOR
We’ll let her sit there with her reverie for a second…
GOGO
Vroooooom!
NARRATOR
So the job had to do with computers. It was some sort of computer…thing.
GOGO
I’d never touched one
I’d never seen one
NARRATOR
Um, a computer, she means. Garrison needed a real people person. Someone who had a track record of helping members of a fledgling community bond with each other.
GOGO
You can connect people all over the world, he said A free exchange of ideas, he said Soon everyone will have one in their homes, he said It will be the great equalizer, he said
NARRATOR
Margot said her goodbyes and hitchhiked nearly 1700 miles, a journey that took her five days. She slept under a scrub oak in Bitter Springs, Arizona, fended off a rapist in Tucumcari, and read Richard Brautigan poems aloud to the recently divorced woman named Mirvie who drove her from Norman, Oklahoma to Amarillo in a white Cadillac. And now she’s here with us.
GOGO
Topic 161
VOICE
SkiffWizard stole our stories from the Parenting forum
And used them in a magazine article
GOGO
Topic 204
VOICE
Can you believe
An article for which he was paid two hundred dollars?
VOICE
KenDog has been calling Joseph M. “a little Hitler” over in Gardening
Are we going to tolerate that?
GOGO
Topic 96
VOICE
The Pet board has been hijacked
By people talking about vaccines again
GOGO
Topic 136
QUIETLADY
Can we please create a forum
That’s for women only?
GOGO
Topic 142
VOICE
Should some of us get together for a potluck this Sunday?
GOGO
I’m your crowd control
I’m the bouncer and your mother
This is real emotion coming through these wires
We must be careful with feelings
If we want our world to flourish
We don’t want lords and lurkers
No raging egos
Unchecked sarcasm
Misplaced anger
Rampant misogyny
Let’s talk about the rules
Let’s share a protocol
Everyone takes responsibility for their own words
Welcome to the intellectual massage that never ends
FRIDAY
You all know I’m the one running this place
While Mr. Bossman takes a three hour lunch again
TIMBUK4
You may not know the whole story
T-REX & MIZSTACKS
After six years, I think she does!
TIMBUK4
I’m just saying, as someone who runs his own business
QUIETLADY
You know what, Timbuk4
Why don’t you just listen
Instead of chiming in all the time?
VOICE 1
I went out on a date last night
For the first time in years
VOICE 2
I hope he brought you flowers
VOICE 1
He was actually a she, and no, she didn’t
VOICE 2
I didn’t know you were batting for the other team
VOICE 1
I’m batting for my team
QUIETLADY & FRIDAY
Wake up, it’s the ‘80s!
VOICE 2
So touchy
T-REX
Beam me up, Scottie!
QUIETLADY
Rough day, huh?
T-REX
I’m supposed to be able to park
Close to the entrance at work
But they redesigned the lot!
I had to park so far away
And I walk so slowly with the crutches
QUIETLADY
That should be illegal!
T-REX
I’ll just get there earlier tomorrow.
QUIETLADY
This is wrong!
Give me the phone number.
This is wrong!
I’ll call them and report them!
VOICE 3
Sheesh, QuietLady
You’re a real ballbuster
QUIETLADY
Oh, so I’m a ballbuster
What would you say if I were a man?
I’m just looking out for our pal T-Rex
Everyone needs an advocate
VOICE 4
Yes, ma’am
Thank you, ma’am
QUIETLADY S-I-G-H T-REX S-I-G-H
VOICE
Double S-I-G-H
FRIDAY
Like a fish needs a bicycle
VOICE 3
No harm, no foul
VOICE 4
Boys will be boys
QUIETLADY
I think we need a place where we can take our bras off
VOICE 4
Go ahead, I won’t look
QUIETLADY & FRIDAY
Imagine
T-REX
A channel just for us!
GOGO
I can get that done
VOICES 3 & 4
Make sure to come visit
boys will be boys...boys will be boys...boys will be boys
GOGO, QUIETLADY, T-REX, FRIDAY
We need
A band
A forum
A channel
A lounge
A break room
A coffee klatch
A menstrual hut
T-REX
I am taking my bra off
FRIDAY
I am taking my face off
QUIETLADY
I am trading my pumps for slippers
GOGO
I am pouring a glass of Cabernet
FRIDAY
I am taking my bra off
T-REX
I am taking my face off
GOGO
I am mixing a gin and tonic
QUIETLADY
I am taking off my pantyhose
T-REX
I am taking my bra off
QUIETLADY
I am trading my pumps for slippers
GOGO
I am taking my bra off
FRIDAY
I am mixing a gin and tonic
T-REX
I am putting my L’eggs back in their egg
ALL
We need a place to breathe
We need a private zone
We need to find our own …. Cyberspot!
A chatroom of one’s own
FRIDAY
How do we ensure
There are no trespassers?
GOGO No spies and prying eyes
T-REX & QUIETLADY No assholes!
FRIDAY Imagine
GOGO
I know you all
QUIETLADY
She knows us all
FRIDAY
To explore ideas without them
T-REX Imagine
FRIDAY
To let some steam off
T-REX
To take my bra off
GOGO
I trust you all
QUIETLADY
To feel safe for once
QUIETLADY
She trusts us all
GOGO
We can write the code, ladies
We can make it so, Joan
QUIETLADY
Bamboo
GOGO
Family: Poaceae
Subfamily: Bambusoideae
QUIETLADY
Standing tall
GOGO
Guadua Angustifolia
The grandest of all
QUIETLADY
So strong, so resilient
GOGO
Bending but never breaking
QUIETLADY
Unadorned, solid
Substantial
GOGO
And inside, hollow
QUIETLADY & GOGO
Full of possibility
GOGO
A place to fill with our own stuff
QUIETLADY
Our hopes and dreams our aspirations
QUIETLADY & GOGO
Carved out as we wish
GOGO
Starved for a place of our own making
QUIETLADY
These tender shoots flourish beside me
GOGO & QUIETLADY
My/Our private little grove will thrive!
QUIETLADY
Our grove
GOGO
This room
QUIETLADY
This room
GOGO
Could I have done it alone, Joan?
QUIETLADY
Do you even wish to know, Margot?
QUIETLADY & GOGO
Our grove, our room
So strong, this room
So substantial
Bamboo
So resilient
Our room
Our room
Our room
GOGO
We are building something real here!
Now let’s lock the door
Let’s turn the key
QUIETLADY
This means ladies only
ALL
Indeed, we have found our spot
QUIETLADY & GOGO
Male chauvinist pigs keep out!
ALL
Indeed, we have found our spot
QUIETLADY
I’ll protect you all
You need only me
GOGO
And don’t forget I am here
My job to help out
ALL
Indeed, we have found our spot
QUIETLADY
You are worth your weight in gold, Margot
GOGO
It was your idea all along, Joan
ALL
Indeed we have found you both
NARRATOR
EPISODE 2: So Long, Quiet Lady
It’s 1984 and Margot has hitchhiked across the country to become the online manager of a new internet community. A women’s only chatroom is formed and user Joan, going by the handle QuietLady, becomes its leader and de facto moderator. The women’s forum has been growing steadily, and now has 32 approved members.
FRIDAY
I just got called ‘honey’ again when I asked for a raise
QUIETLADY
I guess it’s better than Sugartits
FRIDAY
So funny I forgot to laugh
They shut me down
Even though I’m the only one
Who can reboot DOS
QUIETLADY
You’ve got to laugh
You’ve got to smile
FRIDAY
I’m tired of smiling…
But maybe I should change my handle to Sugartits
QUIETLADY
Your wish is my command
Hey, GoGo!
FRIDAY
Haha, QuietLady
Maybe you should be… Funny Girl
QUIETLADY
Is that a crack about my nose?
GOGO
Hello! Hello!
FRIDAY GoGo!
FRIDAY & QUIETLADY
We’re talking about handles — jinx!
…BigMac… SodaJerk… TroutMask…DimSum… Sapphire… ClimberJoe…
Bagel Broad… Queen B…. PolterGuy52… Innervision… Foxhound…
BeastMaster36… TheRealSpicoli… TapCat… CaffeineQueen… 3DFrank…
TheJuice… RockCity… WunderBarb… TigerEye… StrikerTen… Zoom02134…
Pepper9… RomaRoma… StanByMe… Abacab… HighLife… TrickyRick…
TheGambler… ByGeorge… GypsyG… HotTomato… Wilder16… SpanielBoy…
StarBird… OpieAndy… 69Vette… CardShark… QuakerP… Durango…
Catamaran6… TexasRosie… CedarSpruce… CardShark…
GOGO
GoGo was my nickname as a kid
We had a CB radio
MarGO, Mar GO-GO
Breaker, breaker, this is GoGo
QUIETLADY
10-4, good buddy!
FRIDAY
I think there’s a bear in the air!
QUIETLADY
And you MizStacks
So mysterious
MIZSTACKS
You didn’t know that I am a vampire?
GOGO
Why are you Friday, Friday?
Favorite day of the week?
FRIDAY
It’s what they call me at the cafe
I work a double on Fridays
Seven to seven
T-REX
I go by T-Rex
I don’t really know why
Except the T is for Theresa — my name
I couldn’t think of a better one
QUIETLADY
Friday, you work in a cafe?
I thought you worked at a printing press
FRIDAY
I do both
Sixty hours a week
My only day off is Saturday
GOGO
Thank God it’s Friday!
QUIETLADY
TGI Friday!
T-REX
I like the loaded potato skins there
FRIDAY
Wanting to dream
I’m forever awake
I’m tethered
I stay on the ground
Trek straight through the sludge
No time to wander
Top of my class in high school
Calculus, chemistry, computer club
But we had no money
I got pregnant
Had a baby
My mother was sick
I took care of her
I got a job
And another job
My mom watched the baby
I brought home the bacon
I see the students from the university
At the tables of the cafe
I see them
There in the print shop
Watching them
I wonder
My daughter will have more chances
My mother will have what she needs
Still I try to imagine
Longing to dream
But forever awake
I’m tethered
GOGO
Oh, Friday
You’ve built a great life
T-REX
You work so hard
FRIDAY
The men think they know more than me
When the Commodore crashes, I am the Fix-It Guy!
And still the they explain things to me
They don’t even understand
T-REX
There should be a word
For when men explain things to you
That you already know
FRIDAY
I’m the only woman there
The only one with no degree
NARRATOR
QuietLady private to Friday.
QUIETLADY
I need to talk privately with you
FRIDAY
Sweet, my first private message!
QUIETLADY
I feel a little shy sometimes
FRIDAY
You don’t seem shy
QUIETLADY
I think I understand you
I think I can help you
FRIDAY
I just needed to vent, to let off some steam
QUIETLADY
You meant to go to college
FRIDAY
Well…
QUIETLADY
You long for an education
FRIDAY I suppose…
QUIETLADY
You wish the men at work
Didn’t treat you as an inferior…
An object…
Lesser than…
Stupid…
Clueless…
FRIDAY
I get your drift!
QUIETLADY
Uneducated!
You need to let go of your hang-ups
FRIDAY
I’m not sure this is a “hang-up”
QUIETLADY
You can go back to school
FRIDAY
I don’t have the time
I don’t have the money
QUIETLADY
It’s not too late to start again
FRIDAY
I have too much work
I don’t have the cash
QUIETLADY
It’s never too late…
What if I paid for it?
FRIDAY What? How?
QUIETLADY
Keep this to yourself, but I am an heiress
FRIDAY
A what?
QUIETLADY
I’m loaded
Flush with the Franklins, a real rich bitch
My chambermaids are here to help me dress for afternoon tea
Wink wink — ta ta for now.…
Think about it, Friday dear
FRIDAY
How would it feel?
To let my guard down
Accept the help offered
It would be nothing to her
And everything for me
To hold a degree
To climb the ladder
I can become so much more
If Joan is serious
I could untie my tether
Drop this weight
How would that feel
To change my scene
To float
To dream?
OPTION? [back arrow!] caps lock!
(ESC) RESTORE. return–
CTRL! CMD! caps lock. RUN! STOP. esc! clear? home.
NARRATOR
Back in the chat, QuietLady shows an interest in helping others as well.
QUIETLADY
Take a good hard look at your priorities!
VOICE
I worry too much about other people’s opinions of me
QUIETLADY
What do you think is holding you back?
MIZSTACKS
Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of….fear?
QUIETLADY
How does that make you feel?
VOICE
I worry too much
VOICE 2
I lose my patience too easily
QUIETLADY
Locate your erroneous zones!
MIZSTACKS
Fear of what else?
FRIDAY
My mother’s voice is always in my head
MIZSTACKS
Fear that I’m a fraud!
QUIETLADY
Let go of useless emotions
Like guilt and worry!
VOICE
I probably worry too much
QUIETLADY
Break free from your past
Start living!
VOICE
I could be more patient
FRIDAY
Will I ever be good enough?
QUIETLADY
Heal your inner child
Get in touch with the real you
You need to realize
It’s time to self-actualize
NARRATOR
It seems this forum is really helping her come into her own.
QUIETLADY
The view from my window
Eighteen thousand trees
The star magnolia knows my story
The sycamore weeps leaves for me
My oxygen, my memory
There’s a man behind the wheel
In a blackout
Tires squeal, brakes skid
Look out!
I am folding in on myself
Ready to disappear
I sat alone while I healed
Alone at my desk
Watched green letters flicker on a black screen
I called myself QuietLady
I logged in as QuietLady
My handle was QuietLady
Watching
Fingers silent, fingers stiff
Damaged inside and out
Hiding
Frightened
How could I let them know me?
But I came out of the woods
I began to breathe
I could be alive here
I could be of help here
I found friends
Women worse off than me
Without hope
Without my optimistic streak
Without my thirst for life
Alone in their rooms
Alone at work
Alone in their beds
Feeling like they have no one
I am growing out of myself
I remember who I am
A young woman with desires
With drive
With a taste for adventure and thrills
I was brought to the brink
But I am not destroyed
I can build myself back up
By reaching out, by looking out
My new calling is to heal
I have a new handle
I’m Talkin’Lady
I’ve got your back
I’m Talkin’Lady
Talk to me, and I will hear you
NARRATOR
And when Joan came out of her shell, everyone was paying attention.
VOICES
I’m looking for
I was just chatting with
I would like to talk to
I got a message from I sent a message to Talkin’Lady
MIZSTACKS
Has anybody seen Joan?
Joan, Joan VOICE
You call her Joan?
T-REX
I call her Joan
GOGO
She used to call herself
FRIDAY
She used to answer to QuietLady
What do we know?
MIZSTACKS
I heard Talkin’Lady has a trust fund worth millions
GOGO
Yup, It’s textile money
MIZSTACKS
I thought it was shipping?
FRIDAY
I heard Texas oil
What do we know
What do we know about
What do we know
What do we know
NARRATOR
Oh! Looks like we have a rare appearance by founder Garrison Litchfield.
Handle: Buck. Buck goes private to GoGo.
BUCK
How’s it hanging, kiddo?
GOGO
Hanging high and tight, boss!
BUCK
Seventeen new users this morning
Word is getting out
GOGO
I noticed that
One from Helsinki!
BUCK
Margot, how is your women’s forum?
I don’t go in there
I never peek!
GOGO
It’s going strong, Buck
So energized
Bubbling over
BUCK
You should be proud
GOGO
But I can’t take all the credit
I have so many places to be Hats off to Talkin’Lady
She’s really taking the reins
BUCK
Yes, I’ve noticed that
She…seems…to be the moderator now….?
GOGO
With my blessing
Is that a problem?
She’s a natural leader
A powerful ally!
BUCK
Okey dokey
Just stay alert
Keep your eyes open
FRIDAY
I heard she was top of her class at Princeton
MIZSTACKS
I thought it was Yale?
FRIDAY
Word is, she built her own motherboard! VOICE
She’s a psychologist
VOICE
Psychiatrist!
BUCK
Does she have an M.D.?
MIZSTACKS
The youngest female Ph.D. in US history!
T-REX
She speaks French, Italian and Russian
FRIDAY Also Chinese!
GOGO
She spends summers in the Basque country
VOICE
Her cat is named Paprika
BUCK
She lives in New York City
FRIDAY On the Upper West Side
MIZSTACKS
A redhead with eyes of emerald green…
VOICE
I believe she’s in a wheelchair
GOGO
Starting to take steps again
VOICE
Do we know if she is single?
VOICES
Divorced?
VOICES
Vegetarian?
What do we know
What do we know about
What do we know
What do we know about Joan?
NARRATOR
Joan Van Horn, PhD. AKA Talkin’Lady. Queen of the Chatroom. For Now.
NARRATOR
You’re listening to episode 3 of The Electronic Lover. If you haven’t heard the previous episodes, we recommend catching up first. We’re back in the women-only chatroom where Theresa, T-Rex, has come to find her friends at the end of a tough day
T-REX What a day
FRIDAY
Word to your mother
T-REX
What a day
FRIDAY
You said it
T-REX
The kind of day
That can only end with Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers And me in my mukluks
FRIDAY Huh?
T-REX
A soft, woven slipper-boot
Native to Arctic indigenous people
My mother bought them
On a trip to Alaska
FRIDAY Sounds cozy
T-REX
I am a lonesome dove
FRIDAY
Oh, to have the time to be lonely!
T-REX
Careful what you wish for
Time is a funny thing…
When I awake, I feel time
The time it takes to get out of bed
Pull myself up with a grab bar
Swing my legs over and get to the edge
Hold my crutches and breathe in deep
A chair in the shower
Zip my zippers with one hand
Apply my makeup laboriously
Drive the car with a lever and switch
I know that I’m fortunate
To have this beautiful brain
Like Ada Lovelace
At work in her lab
But I’m lonely
Way too lonely
The time passes
So slowly
NARRATOR
Talkin’Lady private to T-Rex.
TALKIN’LADY
What is your heart’s desire?
T-REX
To say it out loud feels silly
TALKIN’LADY
I won’t tell a soul
T-REX
Promise not to laugh?
TALKIN’LADY
Hope to die!
T-REX
This weekend there’s a gathering…
TALKIN’LADY
Go on
T-REX
Of friends I found in a chatroom
TALKIN’LADY
Wait — another chatroom?
Are you cheating on us, dear T-Rex?
Wink wink
Tell me more
T-REX
At home, I live in my screen
My feelings poured straight into the glass
I have learned who I am there
I feel like I am seen there
TALKIN’LADY
You are seen
T-REX
But out in the world
I am weak
I am slow
I am scared
And it’s so hard to move
From one place to another
I would like to go to the city alone
Shake hands with my friends
Put faces to their names
TALKIN’LADY
You can do it!
T-REX No I can’t!
TALKIN’LADY
I will tell you a secret —
After my accident
Unable to walk
I wanted to die!
I brought myself back
Promised to bring others with me
Now is your time, precious woman
Open your door
And I will step in
I will step up for you!
T-REX
I’m so flattered
I’m so grateful
TALKIN’LADY
What are you waiting for?
T-REX
Maybe next year I’ll be ready…
TALKIN’LADY
Maybe next year you’ll be dead!!
T-REX
What?
TALKIN’LADY
Seize the day before it seizes you, T-Rex!
T-REX
I think I should go now… signing off
TALKIN’LADY ???
NARRATOR
T-Rex is close to tears. She shuts down her computer and grabs leftovers from the fridge. Overcooked spaghetti and half a turkey meatball. But Talkin’Lady’s words are still with her. She goes back to her office, logs back on and sends her a private message. T-Rex private to Talkin’Lady.
T-REX
Maybe if you
Actually knew how I felt You wouldn’t have made such a callous remark I would like an apology!
NARRATOR
She waited one…two…three…no reply. T-Rex private to GoGo.
T-REX
I think Talkin’Lady is being insensitive And might need a reminder to be more respectful
GOGO
Oh no, T. What happened?
NARRATOR
Margot reviewed the chat, but didn’t find anything that was even close to violating community standards. But Theresa was hurt and Margot tried her best to soothe her.
GOGO
Theresa
I think she was advising you
To live boldly
T-REX
She was telling me to kill myself!
GOGO
No no no no no no no no no — No!
I’m supposed to keep this quiet
But Joan has been struggling to walk for months
After being hit by a drunk driver in the park
T-REX
I thought it happened waterskiing?
GOGO
She might seem harsh, but her intentions are pure
It has been a difficult journey
And she wants to help others
Cut her some slack
NARRATOR
Talkin’Lady apologized to T-Rex and laid out her plan to help her get out to meet her online friends. The following Monday…
TALKIN’LADY
Howdy everyone! Why doesn’t someone ask T-Rex what she did over the weekend?
MIZSTACKS
OK, I’ll bite!
FRIDAY
Well, what did you do?
T-REX
I think I can say
Without exaggeration
Without hyperbole
Without gilding the lily
That my entire life has changed for the better
I feel like I’m flying!
TALKIN’LADY
Tell them or I will
T-REX
Very early in the morning
The dew was still on the grass
I was making my tea
When I saw a van pull into the drive
MIZSTACKS
Oh yeah? Go on!
T-REX
In that moment
I realized
That Talkin’Lady had been serious
The night before
I had packed my bag
Just in case
Just in case she kept her promise
FRIDAY
Uh-huh, then what?
T-REX
We drove into the city
Arrived at the hotel
Where a transport chair
Was waiting like a chariot!
TALKIN’LADY
That was she wouldn’t have to navigate the crowds on her crutches
FRIDAY
Good thinking!
MIZSTACKS
Yeah, good call!
T-REX
I freshened up
And picked up my registration badge —
FRIDAY & MIZSTACKS
Registration badge?
T-REX
I was transported to the Star Trek Convention!
ALL
Wow! Whoa!
T-REX
I had been hearing about it for years
FRIDAY
You are such a nerd!
MIZSTACKS
FRIDAY!
T-REX
It was a dream come true
I met all of my Trekkie chatroom friends
We ate burgers and chili
French toast and milkshakes at midnight
And the hotel sheets were so soft!
ALL
Oooh! Nice!
T-REX
And I got autographs
From Sulu and Uhura
And…..
ALL
And???
T-REX
And an *interesting* man asked me out for drinks
TALKIN’LADY
And tell them what happened
T-REX
I think there were sparks
I think there is romance!
MIZSTACKS
So happy for you
FRIDAY
So proud of you
T-REX
I couldn’t have done it Without Talkin’Lady
She made my dreams come true!
TALKIN’LADY
And this is where the fun really starts
FRIDAY
Do you have a plan? For the guy?
TALKIN’LADY
You can all leave it up to me
T-Rex, it’s time to tap into your power
T-REX
This is too much excitement!
GOGO
Ladies! You have to get over to the Etc. forum. Topic started by Shadow Brad is “What’s your most unpopular opinion?” Lots of giggles!
NARRATOR
There’s a mass exodus, and aside from a few film buffs debating the use of the sandworms in Dune, everyone is cutting loose in the Etc. forum.
VOICE
I always thought Diet Coke is way better than regular Coke
VOICE
I actually like wearing a condom
I have a latex fetish
FRIDAY
I don’t care what anybody says
Madonna is extremely talented
MIZSTACKS
I fell asleep during Koyaanisqatsi
VOICES
So boring!
VOICE
Chief Justice Rehnquist is strangely sexy
TALKIN’LADY
This is fun!
Adults shouldn’t dress up for Halloween
GOGO
Cleanliness is overrated
VOICE
Only sad people like astrology
VOICE
Spoken like a true Taurus!
T-REX
Lobsters are the roaches of the sea
And only worth consuming as a vehicle for Melted butter
BUCK
Sometimes I worry if this is getting out of hand
NARRATOR
And just as the party was winding down for the night… Talkin’Lady private to T-Rex.
TALKIN’LADY
So my dear — what do you think you will wear?
T-REX
My goodness, for what?
TALKIN’LADY
For your next date with him
T-REX
I’m so exhausted
8am meeting with the boss
TALKIN’LADY
And will you bring up your need for a ramp
For the parking lot?
T-REX Promise!
TALKIN’LADY
Remember, you deserve it
T-REX
Okay, okay!
But I’m not the activist type
TALKIN’LADY
Of course you are
You’re smart and you’re driven and…
T-REX
Joan!
Can we continue this tomorrow?
TALKIN’LADY
I can tell you’re beautiful…
T-REX JOAN!
NARRATOR
You’re listening to episode 4 of The Electronic Lover. This podcast is a serialized story, so we recommend listening to the previous three episodes before this one.
T-Rex has a new lease on life as Talkin’Lady keeps busy making dreams come true for the women in the forum. The group is bonding more than ever. We join them for a party as they have a little fun with one of their favorite chat topics.
MIZSTACKS
If we are doing another round of M.E.M. I have got the mother of them all!
T-REX
What do you mean, M.E.M.?
TALKIN’LADY
Most Embarrassing Moments, darling
FRIDAY
Never!
GOGO
Gather ‘round, children! Stacks, please begin
MIZSTACKS
I work at a pretty small branch of the public library
T-REX
I didn’t know you were a librarian
TALKIN’LADY
Her handle is MizStacks!
FRIDAY
She could flip pancakes at IHOP
MIZSTACKS
Typical afternoon
A handful of solitary seniors
A few young children with their mothers
A couple of students from the community college
Going through microfiche
All quiet
And copacetic
On the western front
I was at my desk
Making my way through War and Peace
TALKIN’LADY
Oh lordy!
FRIDAY
Is that the embarrassing part?
MIZSTACKS
I was short on sleep
And I could feel myself drifting off…
My lids were so heavy
Just two minutes
I’ll just rest my eyes for two minutes
GOGO
Oh no
MIZSTACKS
The next thing I know
The entire place is exploding with laughter
Loud, raucous, belly laughs
I open my eyes
And I am standing on my desk
STANDING!
T-REX
You did this in your sleep?
MIZSTACKS
Sometimes I sleepwalk
And there’s more…
As I am climbing down from my desk
With everyone still laughing
I realize what had woken me up —
ALL
What? What is it? Tell us! Keep going!
MIZSTACKS
A fart
My own fart
T-REX
Oh no! Oh nooooo!
FRIDAY
Hah hah hah!
I’m choking!
GOGO
You’re making me pee over here!
TALKIN’LADY
I’m literally laughing out loud!
T-REX How awful
MIZSTACKS In my sleep
I had climbed up on the desk
And let loose with a very loud fart
In the library
In the place where I work every day
Where everyone knows me
FRIDAY I AM DYING
TALKIN’LADY
That is the best laugh I’ve had in a long while
GOGO
I really needed that!
FRIDAY
I don’t think anyone can top that!
T-REX
Stacks, your candor is remarkable
MIZSTACKS
I am working on it!
TALKIN’LADY
Laughter is healing, Susan Honesty is precious
MIZSTACKS
If only I could be truly honest
Truly honest about myself
TALKIN’LADY
What do you mean?
MIZSTACKS
Too personal!
Next embarrassing moment, please
NARRATOR
Talkin’Lady private to GoGo.
TALKIN’LADY
What do you think she is referring to?
GOGO
You know I never gossip
TALKIN’LADY
We are creating a safe space
Where women can bare all
And feel supported
GOGO
Yes it’s true, of course
TALKIN’LADY
But we can’t allow dishonesty
It threatens our ideal
GOGO
It’s not like that
TALKIN’LADY
What is it then?
She is hiding something — I will ask her!
GOGO
Please don’t
She needs to do it in her own time
TALKIN’LADY
So there IS something
Margot, you know something!
GOGO
Promise not to say a word
Stacks confided in me
That she is a lesbian
TALKIN’LADY
Well that’s wonderful
You know it’s 1984
We should encourage her to come out
GOGO
She has her reasons
Her father is a politician
Very conservative
Very prominent
TALKIN’LADY
Who is it? Do you know?
GOGO
I have said enough, Joan
She needs our trust, Joan
Please don’t breathe a word, Joan
NARRATOR
And Joan doesn’t breathe a word. But a flurry of private messages starts to make Stacks wonder…
TALKIN’LADY
What do you think of Navratilova winning the Grand Slam?
I just saw Jodie Foster in The Hotel New Hampshire
Should I buy a Subaru?
Do you play softball?
Ever been to the Dinah Shore golf tournament?
Speaking of Joans, who is your favorite? Armatrading or Jett?
Besides me, of course…
NARRATOR
And however ham-handed it may have been, MizStacks was intrigued…
TALKIN’LADY
Ever thought of visiting the Isle of Lesbos?
MIZSTACKS
Am I reading her right?
NARRATOR
…because no one else had talked about being gay.
TALKIN’LADY
Tell me about your hair
MIZSTACKS
Is this what I think it is?
TALKIN’LADY
Help me picture the shape of your face
MIZSTACKS
I wonder what gave me away?
TALKIN’LADY
I could read to you
MIZSTACKS
How could she have guessed?
TALKIN’LADY
Read to you from Emily Dickinson
MIZSTACKS
Is this really happening?
TALKIN’LADY
Emily Dickinson’s Letter to Susan
MIZSTACKS
I love Emily Dickinson!
NARRATOR
And Margot was keeping tabs on this from her screen…GoGo private to Talkin’Lady.
GOGO
This is very delicate
TALKIN’LADY
I like it hard and I like it soft
GOGO ?
TALKIN’LADY
Just playing
Forgive me
GOGO
I mean, your flirtation with Stacks
TALKIN’LADY
I suppose spying is your prerogative
As “community manager”!
GOGO
There are no quotes around community manager I trust you, Joan
TALKIN’LADY
Have I betrayed that trust?
What you told me about Stacks
It stirred something inside me
That I need to explore
Is that a crime?
Why am I made to feel like a criminal?
How would you feel
If I read all your private messages?
If you thought that I could expose you?
If you knew I had evidence of everything
That everyone had said here?
GOGO
That’s not you, Joan, you would never
TALKIN’LADY
Don’t underestimate me
GOGO
That’s not who you are Joan
You don’t mean it, Joan
TALKIN’LADY
You don’t know what I’m capable of You don’t…
What if I told you that
All our conversations
All our silly frolics
Have been saved and stored by me
On a floppy!
On a floppy disk!
All of it!
NARRATOR
It was difficult, but Margot managed to keep her cool and not lash out at Joan on the board. Could she be telling the truth? Was what she said even possible? And why would she want to save everything? Fearing for the future of the community, Margot logged off for the night and went for a long walk in the woods.
GOGO
We are all walking
With ghosts
With shadows
Moonlight illuminates
The nightshade
This belladonna
A beauty with a secret
So private
So poisonous
In a play to connect
We reveal and we confide
We leave ourselves open
To regret and despair
Our thoughts
Our words
Our lives
Become shareable
We trust but our fates are unknowable
The moon showers light
On the belladonna flowers in my path
A small dose
An innocent taste
Can do you wrong
The trusting fawn
On the right path
In the wrong company
Not knowing, but hoping
May be our undoing
So carefully, carefully
We go on
NARRATOR
Meanwhile as Margot ruminates on the direction this is all headed, Susan takes the bull by the horns and makes her move…MizStacks private to Talkin’Lady.
MIZSTACKS
So I was thinking Of coming to New York
TALKIN’LADY
Oh yeah?
MIZSTACKS
And I was thinking
Would it be
Out of the question…
TALKIN’LADY
A coffee? A drink?
TALKIN’LADY & MIZSTACKS
Dancing all night at the Limelight?
MIZSTACKS
Just a get-together
Not a date or anything!
TALKIN’LADY
Call it what you must
MIZSTACKS
I wouldn’t call it a date
TALKIN’LADY
I would love to meet
MIZSTACKS
I was thinking
TALKIN’LADY
It’s not out of the question
MIZSTACKS
I was hoping
TALKIN’LADY
Call it what you must
MIZSTACKS
Dancing all night…it’s not even a date
TALKIN’LADY
When can I meet
The divine MizStacks in person?
Shall I send you a ticket?
NARRATOR
You are listening to episode 5 of The Electronic Lover. If you haven’t heard episodes 1–4, we recommend catching up first.
In the last episode, Talkin’Lady told Margot she has been saving everyone’s conversations onto a floppy, prompting Margot to think about how to protect privacy in the chatrooms. Always an instigator, Talkin’Lady now gets the group going on the subject of their current relationships.
TALKIN’LADY
Do. Tell. All.
GOGO
Just a friendly reminder
That everything said in the chat
Should remain in the chat
T-REX
We’re definitely dating
Trying not to move too fast
VOICE
Committed to keeping it casual…
T-REX
Seriously connected though
VOICE
…with eventual cohabitation
VOICES
It’s complicated!
FRIDAY
Now that I’m in school
I can’t start anything serious
But I could be open to Shall we say…
An amicus brief
BUCK
You may have heard
My wife and I have separated
But we remain on good terms
Considering VOICES
So sorry Sorry to hear that Aw, Buck
GOGO
Buck, I am here if you need an ear
BUCK
A comfort
That you’re near, dear
VOICES
Playing the field
Taking a swing
Switch hitting
It’s complicated!
VOICE
It’s a work in progress
But we’re having the conversation…
VOICE
His mother really likes me
She bought me a scented candle
VOICE
We opened a joint checking account
But we still do separate vacations
VOICE
We might adopt a dog?
MIZSTACKS
I’m unattached and quite relieved
To be an independent entity
Though flirtation can be fun
I’ve demarcated a boundary
Drawn a line!
TALKIN’LADY
Oh, have you now?
MIZSTACKS
Self-preservation, dear
You stood me up in Manhattan
I bought new pumps
For our big night out on the town
TALKIN’LADY
I apologized, Stacks
MIZSTACKS
No hard feelings
No big deal
TALKIN’LADY
I’ll make it up to you
MIZSTACKS
I’m just going to keep on truckin’
VOICES
Playing the field, taking a swing
Keeping it casual
Having the conversation
Keeping it light
Looking to settle down
Seeing other people
Considering committing soon
Playing it safe
Keeping my options open
Waiting for true love
Looking for good times
Putting myself out there
GOGO
I’m married to the job
Not currently on the prowl
You guys keep me pretty busy
TALKIN’LADY
Maybe it’s like art
You’ll know it when you see it
FRIDAY
Or when she feels it
TALKIN’LADY
Well I am feeling it!
VOICES
Oh? What? Do tell! Really?
TALKIN’LADY
All women to our forum, stat!
I’ve got quite a story for you…
NARRATOR
The women hightail it over to their private forum to hear what Joan has to say.
TALKIN’LADY
Late night
Cruising down Broadway
In the back of a cruiser
With the long arm of the law
ALL
What???
TALKIN’LADY
In order to start my new foundation
Helping other victims of hit and run felonies
I’ve been going on ridealongs
With the 20th precinct
It’s research
T-REX
What a thrill!
MIZSTACKS
Your sense of adventure!
TALKIN’LADY
The most thrilling part of all is Officer Westmoreland
Officer Alex Westmoreland
He says to call him Alex But only when we’re alone And reader, we have been Alone
T-REX
Joan!
No moss growing
On that rolling stone
FRIDAY
You like it
When you see it
And you’ll take it
When you can get it
TALKIN’LADY
Damn straight!
And I have another surprise
For you gals
MIZSTACKS
Always keeping us on our toes
TALKIN’LADY
I would like to bring him in And introduce you all
To him
T-REX
Right now?
MIZSTACKS
To the woman’s forum?
FRIDAY
But I haven’t combed my hair
GOGO
Is he a member?
What’s his handle?
Can we take a vote?
Should we do this elsewhere?
Maybe…
SALTYSHERLOCK
Hi, everyone!
ALL
Oh hey
Howdy!
Hello
SALTYSHERLOCK
Talkin’Lady has spoken so highly of you
You are like members of her family
I want to thank you all
For taking such good care of her
T-REX We love her
FRIDAY
She’s our fairy godmother
GOGO
I think we need
To bring this to another forum
SALTYSHERLOCK
I’ll see myself out Bye for now!
TALKIN’LADY
Well, what do you all think?
FRIDAY Is he there with you?
T-REX
On his own terminal?
GOGO
So many questions!
TALKIN’LADY
I will be back
With an exciting update
Bye for now!
NARRATOR
And Joan is OUT, leaving them all reeling.
FRIDAY Wow
T-REX
That was really something
Still here, Stacks?
You have been so quiet
NARRATOR
Margot goes private to Stacks.
GOGO
Are you okay?
MIZSTACKS
I think so
I just feel so silly
For pinning my hopes on her
GOGO
Don’t feel silly
For having an open heart
MIZSTACKS
You can’t see me
But I am picking myself up
Brushing myself off I have been here before
GOGO
And I am here for you
MIZSTACKS
You told Garrison the same
Now that he is single…
Are you interested?
GOGO
Me, what?
MIZSTACKS In rekindling
GOGO
Me? No!
It’s just that so much time has passed
NARRATOR
Hmm. Really.
NARRATOR
It’s late on a Tuesday night and the forum is speculating about Talkin’Lady’s new romance. And then Margot goes private to Buck.
GOGO
Still at the office?
BUCK
Won’t be long, now
Just about to switch off this infernal machine
GOGO
Ah, nevermind then
BUCK
I always have a minute for you
What’s up?
GOGO
Advice time
I need your infinite wisdom, Garrison
BUCK Shoot, I’m all ears
GOGO
Talkin’Lady wields a lot of power
BUCK
Yes
GOGO
It’s mostly for the greater good
BUCK
Seems so
GOGO
Thanks to her
Friday is pursuing a college degree
T-Rex has more self-esteem
BUCK
I feel a “but” coming on….
GOGO
But there also seems to be…
BUCK
Yes?
GOGO Manipulation
BUCK
Yes
GOGO What do I do?
BUCK
I chose you for this job
Because I trust you
Trust yourself
GOGO
But people are fragile
I want to protect them, Buck
How will I know when
To step up and step in?
BUCK
You will know how to handle it
When the time comes
GOGO
I have been so profoundly affected
By all these glorious strangers
BUCK
I am no stranger
And what we all love about you
Is something I knew from the start
All those years ago in high school
You’re so perfectly and essentially…
Just so wonderfully
Margot
GOGO
Aw shucks
…well I should finish this
BUCK
And now with my divorce…
I don’t want to… and get out of here…
…what were you saying?
You’re welcome
And thank you…
…if you ever want to talk…
…keep you…
Thank you
For everything so far…
You’re welcome, thank you…
Yes…goodnight…
Goodnight Goodbye!
Bye!
NARRATOR
Hmm. That was. Kind of cute. Meanwhile, Joan does something she hasn’t done since she’s become Talkin’Lady: she goes radio silent for three whole days and no one knows why. So unlike her to disappear without a word. Friday misses her the most. It’s a big secret that Talkin’Lady is footing the bill for Friday’s tuition. No one knows, so shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone.
FRIDAY
I know I look
A little out of step with the rest
Pencils always sharpened
Sitting up straight in the front row
Hungry and eager to learn
Making up for lost time
This gift I’ve been given
This vote of confidence
It means the world to me
No concealing that I lucked out this time
Last night I heard Geraldine Ferraro
Speak at the Convention
A woman VP!
That’s no joke
I am inspired to be bold
No choice but to succeed
On my own
Take no prisoners
And yet: what do I owe Joan?
How do I repay her?
NARRATOR
And look here. Almost as if she heard her name being dropped, Talkin’Lady is back in the chat with some big news.
MIZSTACKS
She’s back!
T-REX
Where have you been?
TALKIN’LADY
Listen, ladies
I live out loud
And I have manifested something
Don’t tell me to look before I leap
I’ve done more than leap this time
I have longed this into being
Are you all ready?
GOGO
Ready and waiting
All ears
T-REX
And eyes
Don’t be all talk
MIZSTACKS
And no action
FRIDAY
Hit us with your rhythm stick
TALKIN’LADY
Alex and I are tying the knot!
We’re getting hitched
Tomorrow
NARRATOR
All the air was sucked out of the chat. No one knew quite how to respond. The screen was silent, blank. So Joan kept going.
TALKIN’LADY
The best part is, you are all invited
You are all my guests for the wedding
My witnesses!
T-REX
But we are spread out all over the country
FRIDAY
I don’t want to miss it
But I can’t take off from work
Can’t miss school
MIZSTACKS
This is all happening so fast
GOGO
Where will the wedding take place?
Tomorrow? How could we possibly?
TALKIN’LADY
Hold on, ladies
Think about us
Think about where we have all bonded
The ceremony will take place right here!
GOGO
What do you mean?
In the chatroom?
T-REX On the board?
FRIDAY On our computers?
MIZSTACKS
Virtually? Cybernetically?
NARRATOR
This sounds crazy. Are you getting this? It does sound crazy, right?
TALKIN’LADY
Prepare to attend
The first Ever Online matrimony
Right here on the board
We will all make history!
NARRATOR
You’re listening to episode 6 of The Electronic Lover. This is a serial podcast, so catch up on the previous episodes before listening to this one.
In the last episode, Talkin’Lady surprised everyone with the news that she is getting married to Officer Alex Westmoreland, the detective she met on her ridealong with the police department. And everyone is invited to their virtual wedding, the first of its kind.
VOICE
Is this the place?
VOICE
Don’t want to be late
TALKIN’LADY
Welcome, welcome everyone!
Please have a drink and mingle
While I go get changed
SALTYSHERLOCK
You look stunning already, darling
TALKIN’LADY
And you all know
I’m a sucker
For a man in uniform
T-REX
A glass of champagne
All those tiny bubbles
VOICE
Who brought the balloons?
Lavender sparkle!
FRIDAY
Friends! Everyone!
Please meet my guest
My teenage daughter
This is her first time in a chatroom
She chose the handle….
CHARLENE
Charlene! After Willis’ girlfriend
On Diff’rent Strokes
Played by the one and only
Janet Jackson
VOICES
Hi Charlene!
Welcome, Charlene
Greetings! Hello!
VOICE
Welcome to the wide world
Of the wild wild west
And what a tangled web we weave
CHARLENE
I like it already!
GOGO
Hey, Stacks
Nice to see you here
MIZSTACKS
What can I say?
I’m a fool for love
And those lilies of the valley
Are to die for
BUCK
Do I have time
To take a walk out to the gazebo?
NARRATOR
A gazebo. Nice.
T-REX Clink clink clink!
May I have everyone’s attention
A gift for the bride and groom:
Tab tab space space space question mark M M M M M 7 return
Tab tab space space N question mark comma O M D I N return
Tab tab space space M period tab M M I I tab I M dollar sign 8 M hyphen D return
Tab tab space space M comma M M tab tab M N period comma comma N M space plus return
Tab tab space space hyphen M space space period Z M M M plus period M
NARRATOR
Whoa. In an impressive act of innovation, T-Rex has rendered a picture of wedding bells using only the keys on her keyboard!
MIZSTACKS
T-Rex, that is amazing
GOGO
How did you figure that out?
CHARLENE
Look, I’ll draw a heart!
Tab tab space space space percent percent percent tab tab percent percent percent return
Tab tab space space percent percent percent tab tab percent percent percent return
Tab tab space space exclamation point exclamation point tab exclamation point exclamation point return
Tab tab space space exclamation point exclamation point tab exclamation point exclamation point return
NARRATOR
It looked pretty cool.
BUCK
It’s a new art form: ASCII art
SALTYSHERLOCK
What the heck is ASCII?
And don’t flame me
I’m just a cop
Who doesn’t know about this computer stuff
ALL
ASCII: American Standard Code for Information Interchange!
SALTYSHERLOCK
Whoa, OK then
T-REX
Alex — Do you have your own PC?
FRIDAY
Alex — Are you there with Talkin’Lady?
MIZSTACKS
Alex — Where are you typing from now?
TALKIN’LADY
It’s time for me to walk down the aisle!
FRIDAY
Ooh, here comes the bride!
GOGO
Do we know who is performing the ceremony?
FRIDAY
It’s AngelWings, The moderator of the spirituality forum
SALTYSHERLOCK
Here I go, lifting up your veil
TALKIN’LADY
But I’m not wearing a veil
SALTYSHERLOCK
What about a garter?
TALKIN’LADY
Wait for the honeymoon!
ANGELWINGS
Salutations, honored guests
I call to the four directions
From North and South and East and West
To bless the hearts and minds and bodies
Of Talkin’Lady and SaltySherlock
As they vow
To love and honor trust and cherish
Each other and never ever
Hog the telephone line
As long as they both shall live
BUCK
Bonded forever
In matrimonial protocol
Sharing a modem
Till death do they part
ANGELWINGS
On this historic occasion
Before their beloved community
I now pronounce you
Married
You may kiss
SALTYSHERLOCK
Kiss kiss
TALKIN’LADY
Kiss kiss kiss
SALTYSHERLOCK
May I have this dance?
FRIDAY
Oh wait!
My daughter Marianne —
CHARLENE
Charlene!
FRIDAY
Yes, Charlene!
Has written a song
For the first dance
She sings in a girls choir
My musical child!
CHARLENE
I wrote it in the key of C
But I guess you can imagine it
However you want
Love may seem hard to find
When you’re looking for it all the time
But when you close your eyes for a minute
It can come to you by surprise
Two hearts joined together
Two hearts in unison
Shared for the world to see
No matter where you live
You’re invited on your screen
A witness from your home PC
Love can grow each day
In what you do and what you say
So remember when you’re alone
Reaching out to those near or far
You never know what you will find
Out here in cyberspace
Or in the back of a cop car
TALKIN’LADY
What a delight!
GOGO
Let’s dance!
NARRATOR
Buck goes private to GoGo.
BUCK
GoGo, shall we?
GOGO
Of course, Buck!
BUCK
You must be so proud
Just look at this vibrant community
You’ve nurtured with such care
GOGO
Garrison, you’re the one
Who created this space
Of possibility
BUCK
We make a pretty formidable team, Margot
GOGO
I think so, too
Oh look, they’re about to cut the cake!
CHARLENE
Mother, may I have a glass of champagne, pretty please?
FRIDAY
I guess it won’t hurt
VOICE
And would you like
To take a spin
On the dance floor, young lady?
CHARLENE
What do you say, Mom?
FRIDAY
Why don’t you have some cake first, dear
VOICE
(slinking away)
CHARLENE
Wow, what a totally awesome cake!
T-REX
Why thank you — I made it!
MIZSTACKS
T-Rex, allow me:
It’s three layers
Strawberry gateau
With vanilla bean icing
Mandarin sponge
With chocolate ganache
And on top
Pistachio meringue
With white chocolate buttercream
SALTYSHERLOCK
This has been
A most wonderful day
Talkin’Lady knew
You all would welcome me
With open arms
TALKIN’LADY
Wait and see, everyone
The cyberwedding will become A common occurrence
We are all trailblazers!
BUCK
And one day we may all have
Cameras on our screens
T-REX
We will travel the world
Without leaving home
FRIDAY
The universe will come to us!
MIZSTACKS
We will have access to knowledge and ancient wisdom
T-REX
To pursue freedom, and justice and equality
BUCK
Think of the economic prosperity
GOGO
And more compassion towards people different from ourselves
FRIDAY
More love
T-REX
Better friendships
SALTYSHERLOCK
Less isolation
MIZSTACKS
Deeper connections
BUCK
More kindness
CHARLENE
And we will be able to teleport!
ALL
The future is here
And it is full
It is chock full
It is brimming
The future is here
And it is full of promise!
NARRATOR
Promises, promises…
NARRATOR
You’re listening to episode 7 of The Electronic Lover. This is a serial story, so catch up with the previous episodes before listening to this one.
In the last episode, Talkin’Lady and SaltySherlock made history by being the first couple to get married online, in the chatroom, with all the guests attending virtually. SaltySherlock is now an occasional part of the online community, though Margot has repeatedly asked that he stay out of the women’s forum.
TALKIN’LADY
I know this is verboten
But I’d like to let my husband in the room
GOGO
We have talked about this, Joan
Can we hold this discussion elsewhere?
JOAN
It’s important
It’s a warning
For the women
In the forum
What he’s found is quite alarming
ALEX I hate to be
A fox in the henhouse
FRIDAY
Oh Lord,
Please don’t call us hens
TALKIN’LADY
But he is a fox!
GOGO
What the heck is going on?
SALTYSHERLOCK
I’ll tell you what
A discovery!
A man I know
A married man
Tells everybody here
He is single and available
A real “bachelor”
But with a wife and kids at home
TALKIN’LADY
It’s someone we all know!
T-REX
Is it ShadowBrad?
He flirts with all the women
Rude!
FRIDAY
And what about PolterGuy52?
Yeah could be him…
Wouldn’t surprise me
T-REX Deception!
FRIDAY
Betrayal!
Skullduggery!
GOGO
Everyone, let’s slow down
T-REX & FRIDAY Treachery!
obfuscation equivocation disinformation misrepresentation manipulation falsification deceit!
FRIDAY
Who on earth would Come on the computer
And tell lies?
NARRATOR
Wow. Okay, remember it’s 1984.
GOGO
Can we please discuss this elsewhere?
TALKIN’LADY
The matter is grave, GoGo!
SALTYSHERLOCK
Everyone is not who they seem
T-REX ??
SALTYSHERLOCK
I came home from the war
A broken man
Became a cop
So I could hide
Looking out at the world
But never inside
Love was not in my realm
Darkness stronger than light
Until Talkin’Lady
Goddess! Queen!
Came into my life
I was raised on the block
With the guys
Learned that women
Should stay in their place
My father warned me
To steer clear of the ones with brains
And big mouths
And big ideas
I went along for too long
Never found love that was right
A meat and potatoes kind of guy
Until this hot tomato
Showed me
Showed me all a woman
All a woman could be
And now I can show the world the real me
GOGO
We are all broken
Living life in fragments
Lonely
A little afraid
Without true love
What do you reveal?
What version of you
Do you show?
Who knows the real you?
Who knows the true you?
NARRATOR
SALTYSHERLOCK
Looking out, hiding out
Looking out, hiding
Looking out, hiding out
My Father warned me
Went along for too long
Never found love
Who knows the real you?
Who knows the true you?
How was everyone presenting themselves in the chatroom? Exaggerations, embellishments, outright lies?
FRIDAY
I think I’m better looking on here
T-REX
Ha ha. Me too, for sure!
TALKIN’LADY
Protect yourselves, ladies!
TALKIN’LADY & SALTYSHERLOCK
Beware!
NARRATOR
Joan and Alex log off with a flourish. *
I read all of Infinite Jest My favorite book is Ulysses Your haircut looks great I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes This shit is pure I’m on my way I’ll be there in ten minutes My phone is running out of battery Sorry I’m just seeing your text now I’m really broke I have no idea how fast I was going, officer The dog ate my homework I did not have sexual relations with that woman I am not a crook I own a mansion and yacht I have Native American blood My mother is descended from the House of Romanov My dog is part wolf I was an all-state tennis champ
My wife and I are separated We won’t charge your account There’s really nothing I can do I did not chop down that cherry tree You can cancel at any time This won’t hurt a bit I cannot tell a lie
NARRATOR
What’s everyone supposed to make of all that? And the doubt starts creeping in…
T-REX
How do we know the truth
About anyone?
FRIDAY
About each other, even?
Stacks, you changed your handle
T-REX
Why are you SirStacks now?
Trying to prove a point?
SIRSTACKS
It’s nothing like that I have been thinking about
How we feel inside
How we express that
How we represent ourselves
Just an experiment for now
Any objections?
FRIDAY
Not from me, Stacks
You’re the kind of guy
I’d like to see more of in the world
T-REX
Here, here, Stacks
You go explore your masculine side
SIRSTACKS
Thank you, friends!
I feel a little giddy about it
T-REX
What about Bunnypop?
Anyone know him?
I think he might be a teenager
FRIDAY
The day after my daughter…
T-REX & SIRSTACKS
Charlene!
FRIDAY
Right, Charlene — Came to the wedding
She received a private message From RockCity!
SIRSTACKS
RockCity? Who’s that?
FRIDAY
He wanted her to describe herself
Paint a picture with words, he said
SIRSTACKS & T-REX
Too creepy!
FRIDAY
And she already spends too much time
Cavorting with who knows who In the music forum
T-REX I don’t think we should ever reveal
Our phone numbers
Or our home addresses
FRIDAY
But what if we want to call each other
Put a fruitcake in the mail?
SIRSTACKS Who would exploit that?
SIRSTACKS & T-REX
It’s too sinister!
GOGO
Listen, guys I screwed up
SaltySherlock should not be allowed in our women’s forum
I should have stopped it
The community is growing so fast
I’ve been working overtime
SIRSTACKS
Or maybe you’re too busy with your new fella, Buck!
GOGO
People get carried away at weddings
It’s nothing, I swear!
Jeeze, gossip spreads fast around here
T-REX, FRIDAY, SIRSTACKS
But what about Alex’s warning?
NARRATOR
The discussion goes on for days, and while the longtime members trust each other, a brief exchange catches Talkin’Lady’s attention because she’s still, like, monitoring all the conversations. Saving them on her floppy disk. The conversation seemed innocent enough.
SIRSTACKS
What about Talkin’Lady?
Do we think she knows more than she is letting on?
FRIDAY
We should just be straight with her
Ask her outright
T-REX
She will be frank with us
SIRSTACKS & FRIDAY
She sees everything
SIRSTACKS & T-REX
She reads everything
SIRSTACKS
I want to trust her but… FRIDAY
I trust her, don’t you?
T-REX
Of course I do Do you?
T-REX, FRIDAY, SIRSTACKS
Are you there, Joan?
Did you previously live on Chestnut Street? Are you acquainted with the person in question? On the night in question, did you walk directly home after the party? Have you ever driven a car with a manual transmission? Would you describe Mr. Simmons as your boss? Are you a resident of the state of Colorado? Did you meet the victim recently? Do you know how to use a handgun? Do you lock your doors at night? Would you say you are a private person? Are you legally blind in one eye? Is your mother a registered nurse? Do you normally keep cyanide in your garage?
NARRATOR
Joan didn’t answer, but she was there. And she took it upon herself to come up with a plan to make sure everyone could trust one another.
TALKIN’LADY
Women! All hands on deck!
Here in our garden paradise
The fruits and flowers so abundant
We dance unclothed
And rejoice
We grow
We open up
And bloom
SIRSTACKS
Wait! Where’s GoGo?
Did anyone message her?
TALKIN’LADY
Not important!
But now, the apple has arrived We must close the gates
We will not forfeit trust
We will join in confidence
In The Silent Circle
Initiation
Initiation
Initiation
NARRATOR
One by one, Talkin’Lady approaches the women in the forum and requests that they meet her privately and divulge a secret to her and only her. Sounds legit.
TALKIN’LADY
Dearest Friday
You must now
Tell me your most intimate secret
FRIDAY
I had an abortion at 15
Please no more questions
ALL
By confiding, we put our trust in Joan
TALKIN’LADY
T-Rex, you have never spoken Of your father
T-REX
He is in federal prison
For racketeering
No contact for years
ALL
By confiding, we put our trust in Joan
NARRATOR
Privately, each woman confesses something. Like sinners or penitents entering Joan’s virtual confession booth.
TALKIN’LADY
And you, Stacks, what have you been hiding?
And why has your handle changed?
SIRSTACKS
I am exploring my masculine side I have already told the others
TALKIN’LADY
But are you really a man?
Be honest with me
We have been through too much together
SIRSTACKS
I am starting to figure that out
I was born a girl, if that’s what you mean
I have never said this out loud
But I believe myself to be a man
And heretofore
I would like to be called STAN
TALKIN’LADY
You know me to be worldly and open-minded
But if you are a man
This violates our rules
Demolishes our trust
SIRSTACKS
Please don’t banish me now
When I am most vulnerable, Joan
TALKIN’LADY
Why are you so vulnerable?
And why did you not consult me first?
SIRSTACKS
I felt I could not tell anyone
I feel like an evolving constellation
A lily blooming
A wave emerging Electricity on the brink of Transmogrification
It is more than just my handle
If you could only see me
As I see myself
If you could only
Hear my true voice
TALKIN’LADY
And now you will divulge this
To no one else
Only I will know your truth
ALL
By confiding, we put our trust in Joan
TALKIN’LADY
By the power invested in me
You are all now held
In highest-esteem and safety
In The Silent Circle
ALL
What is revealed in our circle
Remains with Joan in our circle
Our lips are sealed
NARRATOR
You’re listening to episode 8 of The Electronic Lover, which means there are seven episodes before this one. You should listen to those if you haven’t, and go ahead and skip this one altogether if you’re not comfortable with…sexual situations.
Okay, okay, so to protect the identities of all participants engaged in the compusex forum… Compusex. Computer. Sex. Having sex. On the computer. While typing.
compusex …. compusex…. compusex….
VOICES
Do you know about?
Have you told anyone?
It’s harmless Loosen up
Did you hear about?
Something for everyone
Sex on the computer
Get your rocks off
Does your wife know?
A two-way, a three-way… Blow off some steam
Have you ever tried…. Log on and get it on …a three-way, a four-way…
It’s a little bit awkward at first …role play, bondage, fetish… We’re all consenting adults here
Log on and get it on Lighten up
Something for everyone
VOICE
What could be safer?
TALKIN’LADY
Explore your fantasies
VOICE
I always use a modem
VOICE
Nobody knows who I am on here
FRIDAY
I can be whoever I want to be
VOICES
You can be whoever you want to be!
SIRSTACKS
We all contain multitudes
VOICE
Uninhibited
And anonymous
T-REX
Discreet and sensual
VOICES
Check in to a private room
Close the door
Turn off the lights
SIRSTACKS
And slip into
T-REX, SIRSTACKS, FRIDAY
Something more comfortable
VOICE
I’ll use my fingertips
VOICE
And you use yours
Alone at last
Tell me where you want to go today, Talkin’Lady?
TALKIN’LADY
We’re on the beach
I see you walking by And I want you to rub Some oil on my back
I just so happen to have some Bain de Soleil
Tucked into my suit
TALKIN’LADY
I’m going to lie on my stomach
I’m going to straddle you And give you a shoulder massage
TALKIN’LADY
That feels real good
Are we still on the beach?
TALKIN’LADY
The radiating warmth of the sun
I hate sand
I hate the way it gets stuck everywhere
TALKIN’LADY
Relax!
There’s no sand on this computer beach
NARRATOR
And sometimes the compusex leads to an exchange of phone numbers.
VOICES Digits?
What’s your time zone?
NARRATOR
Joan was a hit in the sex chat. Maybe she’d be a hit in real life too. Friday goes private to Talkin’Lady.
FRIDAY
Pretty exciting over there in the sex chat
Your new hubby doesn’t mind?
TALKIN’LADY
So you were lurking?
You might have a few fantasies of your own
How about some fun for a change?
FRIDAY
Sorry, too much work
TALKIN’LADY
Now is your chance — Seize the moment
Say yes to opportunity
Come to New York!
FRIDAY
I wish, really I do
TALKIN’LADY
Come and meet me, let’s party
And meet a man...
FRIDAY
Huh? What are you talking about?
TALKIN’LADY
An eligible friend
So handsome, so debonair
So accomplished and “with it”
A feminist!
FRIDAY
Joan, are you setting me up?
TALKIN’LADY
Hazel eyes
And an absolute demon
On the racquetball court
FRIDAY
It’s not that I wouldn’t love to meet you, Joan
TALKIN’LADY
And Jonathan!
NARRATOR
Spring Break was approaching. Frankie was intrigued.
FRIDAY
There’s an electric world out there
Jetting off for a weekend
For friendship
For romance
Am I bold enough to do it?
Would I stay with you, Joan?
How much is a ticket
For cross country travel?
I have so many questions
Can we log off and talk on the phone?
TALKIN’LADY
Friday, I would love to
FRIDAY
Send me your number
I can call you right now
TALKIN’LADY
But there is one thing you must know
The accident that put me in this wheelchair
Has also left me mute
FRIDAY
Mute? What do you mean, mute?
TALKIN’LADY
My voicebox was crushed
I will never speak again
NARRATOR
Okay. That’s a lot of new information, Joan.
FRIDAY
I can’t believe we didn’t know
TALKIN’LADY
Anyway…
FRIDAY
Wait, go back
You cannot talk?
TALKIN’LADY
Please let’s not make this about me
FRIDAY
But I’m just trying to unders–
TALKIN’LADY
Friday, Frankie
I need your friendship right now
Please, get on a flight
My treat, of course!
A weekend you will never forget
With me!
FRIDAY
With you!
TALKIN’LADY
And do me a favor
By meeting my old friend
Believe me
You’ll be thanking me
FRIDAY
Oh, Joan
NARRATOR
A chance to meet
Talkin’Lady. In. Real. Life. It had to happen eventually.
FRIDAY
New York
I’ve never been
A 757
I’ve never flown
A cab ride, a blind date
A cocktail at the Carlyle And now I have arrived
My instructions were to come straight here
And meet Jonathan
With his white rose boutonniere (A little much I suppose)
I think I spy him in the corner
What a mustache, a pushbroom!
A wine glass of sauterne
Hmmmmmmm
A little older than I thought
But distinguished
I take a breath
Refresh my lipstick
Before the maitre d’ Approaches and says
MAITRE D’
Mademoiselle Friday, I presume?
FRIDAY And leads me to Table 5
NARRATOR
This is a terrible time to interrupt, but I forgot to mention that everyone on the board knows Frankie is in New York meeting Joan, her new husband, and their friend Jonathan, the blind date. And the suspense is killing them.
T-REX
I wish they’d just check in and say hi
GOGO
Patience, ladies
Give her some space
SIRSTACKS
Well they certainly won’t stop the party
To log onto a computer
I wonder how it’s going
FRIDAY
Which way is up?
Am I falling?
How does he know me so well?
The last 43 hours
A whirlwind
A sex haze
Infatuation
How does he know me so well?
Days ago, he was a perfect stranger
Not perfect, I know that
A few things he said made me pause
Made me wonder
Will I regret what I have done?
What happens next with this man?
How does he know me so well?
How does he know us so well?
NARRATOR
As the plane descended, and the sex haze wore off, her questions turned to worries and she thought she had better talk to someone reasonable, like Margot. It turned out Margot was waiting to talk to her too. Frankie private to Margot.
FRIDAY
You first
GOGO
No, you please
FRIDAY
I feel all mixed up A weekend like no other
Was it a fling?
Did I just have a fling?
GOGO Maybe
And that’s fine!
FRIDAY
The strangest thing was
GOGO Something kinky?
FRIDAY
I never met Joan at all
GOGO
But Joan told us
You had the time of your life
FRIDAY
She said what?
I was with Jonathan
The entire weekend
We called, but she never answered
GOGO Really?
FRIDAY
He got on his computer to message her And wow, it was something
The same state-of-the-art Macintosh
That Joan just bought I’ve ever seen one before These psychiatrists!
GOGO
Frankie, something isn’t right
FRIDAY
That’s what I came to tell you
Jonathan knew everything
Every single detail
All of our secrets
From The Silent Circle
I can’t believe Joan betrayed us
GOGO
I’m sorry to say, it’s more than that
I don’t know how to tell you
But Joan was on the board last night
Telling everyone about your Romantic weekend
With Jonathan
FRIDAY
Wait, in the women’s forum?
GOGO
No, in the Secrets & Lies forum
FRIDAY
But absolutely everyone goes there!
GOGO
In explicit detail
Probably while you were still on your flight
FRIDAY How explicit?
GOGO I can’t!
FRIDAY You must!
GOGO
Carriage ride?
FRIDAY What else
GOGO
Candles
Calfskin boots
Chanel No. 5
FRIDAY
My God!
GOGO
Caramel sauce
FRIDAY Stop!
GOGO
And those are just the Cs
FRIDAY
One, I can’t believe Joan told him our secrets
Two, I can’t believe he told Joan all those details
Three, I can’t believe Joan came on the board and…
GOGO
Talkin’Lady is talking too much
FRIDAY
I feel sick
I have to call a meeting
With the women
GOGO
Yes — without Joan this time
SIRSTACKS
Well, OK
T-REX
How the heck?
SIRSTACKS
How much detail did this guy know?
T-REX
Did he mention my father?
SIRSTACKS
I hope I didn’t come up
No one knows anything about Stan!
This is mortifying
FRIDAY
Everything!
He even knew about my abortion
T-REX
But Joan would never… Wait, did he sneak into our chat?
SIRSTACKS
Has anyone even met Joan? Do we really know Joan?
What do we know?
FRIDAY
Where did she come from again? When did she join the board?
What do we know?
FRIDAY and SIRSTACKS
Can anyone vouch for her?
What do we know about?
SIRSTACKS
Ever since she married Alex…
FRIDAY
Who I also didn’t meet, by the way
SIRSTACKS
Wait
How did she even do that ridealong? In a wheelchair accessible cop car?
T-REX
I guess someone could have lifted her?
FRIDAY AND
Joan said she lived by the park
But Jonathan said she lived by the river
HE lived by the park
T-REX
Hold it
Did you talk on the phone?
FRIDAY
She says she can’t talk
T-REX
But she speaks Italian and Chinese!
She’s an interpreter at the UN
FRIDAY
The UN?
No she runs the psych research department
At Mt. Sinai
And counsels Cambodian refugees
T-REX
I know she consulted with the State Department
On the invasion of Grenada
SIRSTACKS
Hang on
Listen to us
Are we paying attention?
This is all sounding quite bananas
T-REX
Margot? Are you there?
b - a - n - a - n - a - s
FRIDAY
Yeah, what’s your take?
b - a - n - a - n - a - s
SIRSTACKS
Margot, you haven’t said a word
NARRATOR
GoGo private to Buck.
GOGO
Buck, I need you now!
BUCK
Margot, is the server melting?
GOGO
The board is melting!
It’s falling apart
It’s Talkin’Lady
She has been violating everyone’s privacy
She needs to go
Ban her
Banish her
Cancel her membership!
BUCK
This is serious... please explain
GOGO
Joan had everyone
Tell her a secret
BUCK
What
Why ??
GOGO
An exercise
To build trust in the women’s forum
BUCK
Wow — pretty sketchy!
GOGO
She flew Friday last Friday
To New York
To meet her and her husband
And some friend
BUCK
I don’t like the sound of this
GOGO
But his is what’s happening, Garrison
People meet on the boards
And want to get together in real life
BUCK
Hmn…go on
GOGO
Soooooooo
Not only did Joan tell everyone’s secrets to her friend
Which he then repeated to Friday
But he also told Joan the intimate details of his romantic weekend
With Friday
And Joan went into the Secrets and Lies forum
And told everyone what had happened between them
Before Frankie had even landed at the airport!
BUCK
We need to talk to her
GOGO
She must explain herself
BUCK
Should we call her?
GOGO
Apparently, she cannot speak!
BUCK
But I thought she was an inspirational speaker
In the Human Potential Movement?
NARRATOR
Margot sends a very formal email requesting that Joan meet with them. Joan replies immediately.
TALKIN’LADY
Hey, what’s up, sweetie?
NARRATOR
Margot doesn’t answer. She’s fuming. She holds back, waits for the appointed time, and logs on with Garrison.
BUCK
The best thing I think Is for you to start
To say your piece
TALKIN’LADY
Darlings
I don’t know what the problem is
If our lovely Friday feels regret
About her wild New York weekend
And doesn’t want to own her actions
GOGO
That’s not what’s happening, Joan And I’m sure you know that
BUCK
The fact is, you have breached the trust Of many in our community
GOGO
Your friends!
BUCK
And they no longer want you on the board
GOGO
The Silent Circle!
Why, Joan, why?
TALKIN’LADY
OK, Joan baby
Time to shift the gear
Switch the tack
Take charge
If I play this right
The others will have my back
I’m too smart to go down like this
We are all too entwined
This scheme is mine!
NARRATOR
So this was her strategy: wrestle back control of the situation by inviting EVERYONE into the private meeting.
T-REX
Hello
FRIDAY
Hey guys
SIRSTACKS
Here we are
TALKIN’LADY
My darlings!
GOGO
But Joan, we’re in the middle of something here
SIRSTACKS
We would like to have a word
T-REX
I’m sure you can explain
FRIDAY
I beg of you, please
What is going on?
TALKIN’LADY
To hell and back
That’s where I’ve been
My new husband
Has been murdered
In the line of duty
ALL Murdered!
Oh my God! What?! I can’t believe…. What happened?
GOGO What, when?
TALKIN’LADY
Last night
GOGO
While you were on the board gossiping?
TALKIN’LADY
This morning
SIRSTACKS
My God, he was shot?
TALKIN’LADY Shot and stabbed
FRIDAY Good Lord
TALKIN’LADY
And his patrol car set flame
T-REX & SIRSTACKS
May his memory be a blessing
FRIDAY
So that’s why
You never picked up the phone
NARRATOR
Things took a turn. The group had some forgiveness in their hearts for Joan. As she laid out the details of this horrific crime, they offered words of support until…
BUCK
I will call my old friend at the NYPD
Immediately
To send my condolences
GOGO
It’s Officer Alexander Westmoreland Officer Alexander Westmoreland
TALKIN’LADY
So kind, friends but no need! They are all so busy at the station…
SIRSTACKS
I imagine there’s a story
I can access on the AP Wire
TALKIN’LADY
I am not sure
If the news is public yet…..
T-REX
Which funeral home is it?
Where can we send flowers?
TALKIN’LADY
Enough!
I raise the white flag
I surrender
I invented my husband
Because I am so lonely
T-REX
Oh, Joan GOGO
I’m speechless
FRIDAY
What, are you kidding?
TALKIN’LADY
But didn’t I help you all Inspire you?
Teach you?
And oh, my voice is actually intact
But I led you to all to believe otherwise
Because I am too timid
To speak on the phone
BUCK
Too timid?
TALKIN’LADY
But my true confession is…
GOGO
What now?
TALKIN’LADY
I am…
I am…
NARRATOR
I am bracing myself!
TALKIN’LADY
I am in love with Friday
Truly, deeply
FRIDAY
Joan?
TALKIN’LADY
My intention
Was to create an allegory
A story from which we all could learn
I apologize if my words were taken literally
T-REX
Wait, no accident? No murder?
TALKIN’LADY
I am only guilty
Of craving love and sympathy
But my foibles, my missteps
Have led us down this Enlightened path to love
GOGO
But you’ve never met
FRIDAY
That’s right, we’ve never met
TALKIN’LADY
But we have
FRIDAY
Enough of this madness
I need you to look me in the eye
And tell me the truth
TALKIN’LADY
Dear Friday
I have looked you in the eye
In those dancing, bright eyes
The color of burnished amber
As I held you in my arms
And ran my hand through your hair
Luscious! Chestnut!
At dawn as the sun broke over the horizon
Dear Frankie!
It is I!
NARRATOR
You’re listening to the final episode of The Electronic Lover. It’s the year 2000. If you’re just joining us now, none of this will make any sense whatsoever.
MARIANNE
I’m making a podcast
NARRATOR
I read about this in the paper. It’s like a radio show, right?
MARIANNE
Sort of, yeah
NARRATOR
Remember Frankie’s teenage daughter? Charlene was her handle. Sang that incredible song at the wedding? Well, I was curious what had happened in the aftermath of all that drama and it turns out she was still thinking about it, too. She was tracking down and interviewing as many of the people involved as she could. She wanted to figure out how her mom and her friends got so mixed up and emotionally involved in this chatroom.
MARIANNE
Check, check
One, two
Check, check
How does this sound?
NARRATOR
I think it sounds pretty good, Charlene
MARIANNE
You can call me Marianne now
NARRATOR
Oh right. I’m interested to hear the interviews. Did everyone talk to you?
MARIANNE
Everyone but Talkin’Lady
NARRATOR
AKA Joan.
MARIANNE
AKA Jonathan
NARRATOR
Who’s Jonathan again?
MARIANNE
AKA Officer Westmoreland Officer Alexander Westmoreland
NARRATOR
Oh!
MARIANNE
And also Joan
NARRATOR
Okay, I’m getting confused, but I have had a rough couple years myself.
MARIANNE
Sorry to hear that, I hope you’re okay
NARRATOR
It’s been a few minutes since I was narrating that story about your mom and her geeky friends. Feel free to catch me up. And you know, it’s just me here — you don’t have to go on singing everything.
MARIANNE
What do you mean?
NARRATOR
I mean, you…. oh, forget it.
MARIANNE
When I began to contemplate The internet of today…
NARRATOR
I don’t know if that’s a great idea.
Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki Scroll Scroll Scroll Scroll Scroll
MARIANNE
…compared to what it used to be
Hello? Hello?
How do we plug it in?
Is this thing on?
Is anybody there?
MARIANNE
How did my mom
And all her smart friends
Get wrapped up in this drama?
Get fooled by this man?
NARRATOR
What do you mean a man?!?
MARIANNE
Let’s have a listen to what they told me
Here’s Theresa! T-Rex!
THERESA
I had always been naive
Awkward and shy
And that forum was my window to the world
I came in trusting everyone
They accepted me
My chatroom family
Became my whole life
Then Joan arrived
And everything fell into place
She was our mother
Our sister, our teacher
I would chat with her late into the night
About all the challenges we faced
With our mobility
And Joan was the one who inspired me — dared me!
To be bold
To be fearless
And to be open to love
But then to discover
That it was all lies
This man posing as a woman
As a woman in a wheelchair
It’s beyond the pale!
Was she also pretending to care?
Hard to believe
It all felt so real
All I know
Is my safe haven
The place I went to be myself
Was ripped away
Ruined, destroyed
Joan coaxed me out of my shell
And Jonathan sent me crawling
Back inside
NARRATOR
What an asshole.
MARIANNE
This brilliant woman
NARRATOR
And yet still able to be manipulated by this lying sack. Lying about being a paraplegic? Good Lord.
MARIANNE
How could he exploit her vulnerability?
NARRATOR
And what’s disturbing is: He truly did boost her confidence. That was real, too.
Behold the moral gray area!
NARRATOR
I still think this is hideous.
MARIANNE
I am so touched by her lingering sadness
NARRATOR
What did the other women have to say?
Stan! SirStacks! Let it rip!
STAN
No comment! No comment!
That bitch, that bastard!
No comment! No comment!
The biggest betrayal of my life!
No comment!
I was burned
I took a risk
I revealed myself
And it bit me in the ass!
Can you imagine
The humiliation
Flirting with Confiding in Pining for A liar
A sneaky, underhanded, devious, sociopathic Liar!
I was burned!
Joan was so alluring
She reeled me in quickly
And then robbed me of dignity
Absconded with my choice
Of how to come out to my community
I thought she was my community!
And the nerve
The sheer, unmitigated nerve
Of a biological male
To chastise me
Attempt to silence me Reprehensible!
But by now
My anger has cooled
I am who I am in the world
I have evolved, undaunted Risen from the ashes!
He seems like he’s okay!
NARRATOR
Well, yeah, but I’m sure it took a lot of work to get there. Joan was such a flirt. She went hard with that stuff. And she used peoples’ secrets to manipulate them.
MARIANNE
I wonder if Joan really cared about Stacks
And felt somehow betrayed by his gender transition?
NARRATOR
Maybe in her weird way, she did. There were so many people in the chatrooms who really needed these connections.
Bored! Isolated! Lonely! Trapped!
But I do like his Phoenix thing.
Stacks flying high in the sky!
He runs an archive for LGBT literature now. Just won some big award from the Library Association.
MARIANNE
And speaking of successes
Here’s the executive VP
Of an international financial institution
That shall go unnamed
I present to you…
My mom!
Frankie! Friday! Mother of Marianne!
MARIANNE
This one was a doozy
So much that I hadn’t known
FRANKIE
We all carry
One thousand and one shames
And I have learned that if I speak of mine
Bring them into the light
The power they hold over me
Begins to wane
So…
Oh this is difficult
How do I…
MARIANNE
Are you sure you want to do this, Mom?
FRANKIE
I never told you
It just didn’t come up
As Joan he was my benefactor
As Jonathan, my lover
Joan was paying my college tuition
And after the affair —
MARIANNE
Excuse me, the affair?
FRANKIE
It was before I knew
Joan was his creation
That he had lied to us all
Had been lying the whole time
MARIANNE
What a difficult decision
To step away from that support
After you found out
FRANKIE
Dearest daughter
I did not
MARIANNE
You did not?
What are you saying, Mom?
FRANKIE
I stepped away from the forum
As we all reeled from the discovery
I never spoke with Jonathan again
MARIANNE
That definitely sounds like the right decision
FRANKIE
But my bills were quietly paid for years
Semester after semester
I got my degree
And I said nothing
I told no one
MARIANNE
Wow
And how do you feel now?
FRANKIE
I wouldn’t have my career
Without that diploma
I never thanked him
But there is some relief in the telling
Now you know everything, honey Promise
NARRATOR
Wow. Was that interview a little weird for you?
MARIANNE
I’m so angry!
It just took one person
To destroy they all built She admits there were benefits And she took advantage of them Mom is smart, after all
NARRATOR
I get that, but I can’t believe he wouldn’t talk to you. Was he ashamed? Or did he actually think he was helping everyone?
MARIANNE
Listen to what Aunt Margot said She and my mom have remained very close
Margot! Mar-GoGo!
MARGOT
A lifetime ago
We had no idea what we were in for What would become of our beloved Chatrooms
Our boards and forums
There is no question
Jonathan was deceptive
Please! A psychiatrist claiming he wanted to understand women? A hurtful and creepy Social experiment
He took advantage of our trust And toyed with our lives
I was his unwitting accomplice
Like a wolf isolating his prey from the herd
He pushed for the women-only forum
And in my ignorance
I invited him in
To ravage us all
I stepped away from this world
But as I look back now
How could it have gone
Any other way?
It’s the internet after all
The Garden of Eden
It’s all so Shakespearean
NARRATOR
Speaking of Adam and Eve, it seemed like something was going on with the chatroom’s first couple, her and Buck. Am I right?
MARIANNE
Yeah, I had to ask her about that, finally
MARGOT
A short romance rekindled
We let the sparks ignite
And let them fade away in time
I have no regrets
MARIANNE
And … ?
That’s all she gave me
NARRATOR
Yeah. And? I guess that’s all she’s going to say about Buck. And she’s not even in computers anymore. She’s an herbalist. Works with plants. Safer.
MARIANNE
I don’t know what to make of any of this
NARRATOR
Why does everyone always have to make something of everything?
MARIANNE
I don’t know
This just isn’t what I expected Connection Communication Information Technology
It’s not adding up
I’m not even sure what — or who — I’m mad at anymore?!
Will you accept the cookies?
Will you accept all the cookies?
It makes me wonder
Rate and review your experience
How many stars will you give us?
MARIANNE
It makes me wonder
It makes me worry
Internal server error
Submit the form again
This file doesn’t exist
MARIANNE
What happened to my mother’s idealism?
That giddiness of discovery
New friends
And new frontiers
Your account has been hacked
This username already exists
You have been catfished
I don’t know how I got here
Please remove me from your list
MARIANNE
Without trust
How will I know who I am
Or where I am going?
Maps, Earth, Satellite, Street View
Put on your headset and take a V.R. tour!
MARIANNE
What has been lost
Taken from me?
In 100 feet turn left
Turn left
Turn left
Make a U-turn
You have arrived at your destination
MARIANNE
It makes me wonder
Would I have been so naive
To believe everyone I met online?
Or am I too jaded now
To give anyone the benefit of the doubt?
To trust my heart and jump in
It makes me wonder
Will all this knowledge
Set me free
Or set me up
For an empty and lonely future?
Add it to your cart
Subscribe
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
I never signed up for this
We’re sorry to see you go!
MARIANNE
Is it still okay to talk to strangers?
Ruben will be in a white Kia Soul
Anmolpreet will be in a white Nissan Altima
Mahbub will be in a black Toyota Camry
Humberto will be in a gray Toyota RAV4
Dagny will be in a blue Toyota Prius
Frantz will be in a black Dodge Charger
Jagtar will be in a silver Nissan Rogue
Hung will be in a white Tesla Model 3
Jose will be in a white Hyundai Ioniq
Federico will be in a silver Chevy Bolt
David will be in a black Ford Escape
Servando will be in a blue Hyundai Sonata
Ismail will be in a black Lexus ES
Abdelghani will be in a black Nissan Altima
Lhakpa will be in a white Mitsubishi Outlander
MARIANNE
It makes me wonder
Wary and watchful
How will I find love
In this cold new world?
Rideshare
Carshare
Homeshare
Bikeshare
Fileshare
Sharing my photos with friends only
Sharing the recipe for authentic baba ganoush
Cher live in concert in Monte Carlo in 1979
What is this bird?
— That is a goldfinch
What is this song?
— ”Milk Man’ by Deerhoof
What is this flower?
— A scarlet beebalm
What is this building?
— The Chrysler Building, you idiot
MARIANNE
It makes me wonder…
When was it built?
Who is the architect?
Is it the 11th or the 12th tallest in the world?
MARIANNE
My mom and her friends
Chose to play this game back then
But now, is it even possible
To unplug? To opt out?
I’m sorry
I didn’t understand that
What is this shooting pain in my arm
In my head
In my chest
In my stomach
In my eye
What is this rash
Why does my
Is it normal if
Did you mean?
Did you mean?
Did you mean?
MARIANNE
It makes me wonder
That ducking weirdo
Ducking Ducking
Jesus!
It won’t type ducking!
I give up!
How do I sear the perfect steak
How do I fix my lawnmower
How to fall asleep fast
How do I trim my bangs
How does someone become a narcissist
What will I become?
How do I break up with my girlfriend
How do I ride a bike
How to cook a perfect soft-boiled egg
How do I mix a martini
How do you get ringworm
How do I get a library card
How do I grow a mustache
How to get rid of hiccups
How do I get a passport
What have we done?
LOL - BRB - TY - NP - LMK - LMFAO - HMU - IDK - IRL - TTYL
I need to pick up my car from the macaroni
The macaroni
The mechanic
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Berkeley, CA-based composer, improviser, bassist and producer Lisa Mezzacappa has been an active part of California’s vibrant music community for more than 20 years. Her activities as a composer and ensemble leader include ethereal chamber music, electro-acoustic works, avant-garde jazz, music for groups from duo to large ensemble, and collaborations with film, dance, and visual art. Recent projects include Cosmicomics, a suite for electro-acoustic jazz sextet based on Italo’s Calvino’s stories about the origins of the cosmos; Organelle, a chamber work for improvisers grounded in scientific processes on micro and cosmic scales; Glorious Ravage, an evening-length song cycle for large ensemble and films drawn from the writings of Victorian lady adventurers; and Touch Bass, a collaboration with choreographer Risa Jaroslow for three dancers and three bassists. She is a recipient of the Pauline Oliveros New Genres Prize from the International Alliance for Women in Music (IAWM), and has been commissioned by the San Francisco Girls Chorus and Del Sol Quartet. lisamezzacappa.com
Beth Lisick is a writer, actor and storytelling producer from the San Francisco Bay Area, currently living in New York. As an author, she has published six books including the novel Edie on the Green Screen (2020); the memoir collection Yokohama Threeway and Other Small Shames (2014); the New York Times best-selling comic memoir Everybody Into the Pool (2005); and the gonzo self-help manifesto and national bestseller Helping Me Help Myself (2008). With a grant from the Creative Work Fund, she collaborated on a chapbook series called Tell You What (2012) with the artists at Creativity Explored, a studio and gallery for artists with developmental disabilities. Beth’s acting credits include a role on the Emmy-winning Amazon series Transparent and lead roles in numerous independent films screened at Cannes, Sundance, Tribeca and the San Francisco International Film Festival. She does voiceover work for museums, including the Smithsonian, The Metropolitan Museum of Art and SFMOMA. bethlisick.com
