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contents up front 12 The wedding checklist 18 New York celebrates

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34 Baby talk 6]e b] abO`b O TO[WZg Oa O aO[S aSf Q]c^ZS 0G ;35 <3/:

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real couples 46 Two weddings, one happy family BVS 5O`OT]Z]a bV]cUVb [O``WOUS eOa a] \WQS bVSg RWR Wb beWQS 0G /<2@3E :7<23@;/<

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parting gift 64 Heartbeats /\ S\UOUSR 28 ^cba b]USbVS` bVS cZbW[ObS UOg eSRRW\U a]c\Rb`OQY 0G ;/5573 1@/75

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Welcome to Wedding Pride

J

ustice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said the federal government’s refusal to recognize same-sex couple’s unions was creating “skim-milk marriagesâ€? when the Defense of Marriage Act went before the Supreme Court earlier this year. But, as of June 26, 2013 our marriages are no longer diluted. Now, if you wed in one of the 13 states where same-sex couples legally have that right, the federal government will treat you whole — just like any other married couple. I’ve written about the ďŹ ght for equal marriage rights as much as any other journalist, and when Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed New York’s Marriage Equality Act on June 24, 2011, the moment was particularly sweet. My partner Bert and I, who have shared a home in Brooklyn for many years, immediately got engaged. (Okay, I’ll admit it — he made me take a break from posting my latest reporting online so he could propose.) Yet, the years 2011 and 2012 passed by, and we had not tied the knot. More than a few friends and colleagues asked why. The fact is we found ourselves a bit hamstrung for a couple of reasons, beginning with a family health issue that made it feel like the wrong time. We also soon learned how daunting it is to plan a wedding — especially with so many people in our lives and after so many years together thinking we would never really have the opportunity to do so. Above all, there was a nagging sense that what New York offered us was only half the loaf. Our city and state, friends and family, and employers and neighbors would consider us married, but when tax time came or we were giving thought to long-term ďŹ nancial planning, it was another story — one complicated by being, in important ways, both married and not married. Comments from the Supreme Court the day it took up DOMA gave a pretty clear signal of what was in store for the 1996 federal law. For as precious as that moment in 2011 had been, Bert and I realized that victory at the Supreme Court would be all that much more powerful. &

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And we wanted to be part of it — not just as gay men celebrating a victory for our community, but as a married couple winning the recognition we deserved. So, on Friday, May 24, the day before the long Memorial Day weekend, we gathered three of our closest friends at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau so that they could witness the instant we became husbands. Fridays, particularly those leading into holiday weekends, are busy at the Marriage Bureau, so we waited for our turn in the chapel. But I can’t remember ever being in a crowd so full of love and joy. After the ceremony, we took pictures in the Wedding Garden across Worth Street and then a car whisked us to Tocqueville Restaurant on 15th Street near Union Square. The lunch was splendid, and Bert and I discovered just how genuinely happy newlyweds seem to make total strangers. The rest of the weekend was just for the two of us, alone in a country getaway. And, just a month later, the high court ruled in our favor. We knew we had done the right thing. We may not be husbands when we travel to Philadelphia, Las Vegas, Dublin, or Rome, but according to New York State and the United States of America, we are married. We are still planning the big celebration for our family and friends, which will come once we settle into a new apartment we’ve found (yep — married and a new home). In the meanwhile, Bert, my new husband, has a new nickname — “Whole Milk.�

— Paul Schindler 4OZZ³EW\bS` ! ’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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Wedding Pride

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Wedding Checklist I

t’s exciting to get down on your knee to propose to your future spouse — but the minute you do so, you start a countdown that won’t reach zero until you’re on your honeymoon. To properly plan, use our handy wedding checklist below:

[]\bVa PST]`S bVS PWU ROg N First, decide on a ceremony and reception site.

N Begin search for wedding bands.

Then, make sure it is in a state that allows gay weddings (a list that currently only includes Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, New York, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Vermont, Washington, and the District of Columbia).

works for you, so make sure you are happy with the orist’s approach. A true pro will help you work out table settings, extra owers for wedding party members, etc.

N Pick a venue that is gay-friendly. Some churches,

N Hire photographer and videographer. Make sure that this person is comfortable with same-sex marriages, as the resulting photos will not capture the love you feel if the photographer does not feel it.

synagogues, and other religious establishments are very accepting — though others are not. Find a minister or ofďŹ ciant who not only weds same-sex couples, but does it right. This is your wedding and the person performing the ceremony works for you, not the other way around.

N Look into wedding day transportation. Do you

N Set the date.

N Keep it fun; wedding planning is stressful, but not

N Decide on a caterer if catering on-site is unavail-

if you’re on the same page and have fun with it.

able.

want a limo, horse and carriage, limo bus?

N Begin drafting your guest list.

wear a gown or suit at your wedding.

$Âł' []\bVa ]cb N Decide who will play what role in the wedding.

N Start shopping for attendants’ attires.

Who will be waiting at the altar, and who will be walking down the aisle?

N If using a wedding consultant, meet and provide

N Discuss the menu with caterer.

N Begin shopping for your attire. Decide whether to

her or him with your vision of the wedding day. Remember, that person also works for you, not the other way around.

N Hire a orist. Again, remember that this person

N Finalize wedding day transportation. Continued on page 14 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

N Select and order the cake. Be sure to have a samesex couple as the topper (unless you want the standard “man-and-wife� topper for some ironic purpose — remember, keep having fun with the process!).

N Continue to compile a list of duties for key players. N Mail out hotel and city information to out-of-town guests.

N Complete insurance issues, such as coverage for the rings, as needed.

N Remind your partner to order gown or suit. N Let the DJ or band know of special songs you would like played at the ceremony and reception.

N Purchase wedding favors.

Âł" []\bVa ]cb N Get your marriage license application (following local laws). DWaWb:OYS5S]`US Q][

N Mail out invitations. Hint: Make sure to number each invitation because people often forget to write their name on the response card. This way, you can track it.

N Gather all necessary travel documents such as

16319:7AB Continued from page 12

N Finalize menu.

N Book band, musicians, or DJ service.

N Finalize ceremony and reception music.

N Purchase wedding bands and engrave a special say-

N Finalize favors or create your own.

ing.

N Buy thank you gifts for wedding party and key

N Set up your wedding registry.

players.

N Purchase accessories, shoes, and undergarments

N Book your hair and makeup artists.

for ďŹ rst ďŹ tting.

N Book times for ďŹ ttings. Bring your accessories.

N Ask friends to be key players. Key players are trust-

Aim to schedule hair and makeup trial on the same day to get a look at the complete package.

worthy pals on whom you can rely for crucial tasks. The key players are not part of the immediate wedding party since they will be busy with photo shoots.

N Begin ďŹ nalizing seating arrangements. N Begin to plan receiving line, timeline, and itiner-

N Fine tune the guest list. Remember, this is your day,

ary of the day.

not theirs. You are under no obligation to invite anyone who would put a damper on the festivities.

N Purchase guest book, cake knife, champagne

N Compile addresses of guests. Mail save-the-date

N Keep having fun with the process. It’s nuts! You’re

cards to out-of-town guests.

getting married!

N Search for wedding favors.

"Âł& eSSYa ]cb N Tackle outstanding legal matters, such as name

N Consider honeymoon spots. Call travel agencies for best packages. See our story in this issue about great gay-friendly destinations.

N Keep having fun with the process.

"Âł$ []\bVa ]cb N Begin search for hair and makeup artist. N Complete the guest list. N Order invitations and other stationery. Think about what “lookâ€? and wording you want.

N Book wedding day transportation. N Book hotel for wedding night, if applicable. "

passports, visas, etc. Get immunization for honeymoon if necessary.

glasses, garters, etc.

changes, if applicable.

N Finalize list of must-have photos. Give a copy to photographer and key players.

N Complete seating plan as RSVPs are returned. N Finalize songs for the ceremony and reception. N Get a pre-wedding trim and spa treatment so you feel your best during this stressful time.

N Write your vows. Let the ofďŹ ciant know of any readings or other special requests.

N ConďŹ rm date for rehearsal. Continued on page 16 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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wedding party.

=\S ROg ]cb N Double-check that you have packed your clothes

N Have a friendly get-together with everyone and

and other personal items for the next day.

distribute responsibilities.

N De-stress your body. Consider deep breathing and

N Book time for ďŹ nal ďŹ tting.

other relaxation exercises such as yoga.

N Arrange rehearsal dinner for one or two days before

N Allocate enough time to have fun with out-of-town

the wedding. Invite wedding party and key players.

guests.

N ConďŹ rm honeymoon plans.

N Enjoy your rehearsal dinner.

N Make checklist of items to bring for the honey-

N Make time to spend alone with your partner. Soak

N Finalize list of responsibilities for key players and

moon.

N Finalize receiving line, timeline, and itinerary of the day.

Âł! eSSYa ]cb N Finalize seating plan. Call guests who have not returned RSVPs.

N Have your ďŹ nal ďŹ tting. N If you have a gown, pick it up and hang it in a cool, dry place. Try to avoid sunlight.

N ConďŹ rm details with all vendors. N Arrange times for key players to pick up items they are responsible for.

N Write a toast for the rehearsal dinner. N Pack for the honeymoon. N Leave honeymoon itinerary with someone in case of emergency. $

up the moment together. Have fun.

=dS`OZZ bW^a No matter what kind of wedding you’re having, hundreds of years of human experience offers some tried-and-true tips for making sure your big day is the best day it can be. Here are some: s 4RUST YOUR WEDDING PARTY AND KEY PLAYERS s ,AUGHTER IS THE BEST BEAUTY TIP ! SMILE GOES A LONG way. s 2EMEMBER TO IMPLEMENT THE STRESS BUSTER TECHniques you and your partner agreed to use. s !LWAYS TELL YOUR PARTNER WHY YOU LOVE HIM OR HER s !SSUME THAT ABOUT PERCENT OF YOUR GUEST LIST will not attend, so invite extras accordingly. s 7ALK AROUND IN YOUR WEDDING SHOES BEFORE THE BIG day so that they are properly broken in. s 0LAN A SPECIAL DINNER WITH YOUR PARTNER WITHOUT any wedding talk. Just relax and enjoy a night together. — Alfred Ng 4OZZ³EW\bS` ! ’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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ustin Daniel and his husband Josh Cogswell were in their Cobble Hill apartment packing for a vacation in France when news broke of the U.S. Supreme Court’s pair of landmark decisions to toss out the federal ban on recognizing valid same-sex marriages and to allow same-sex couples to tie the knot in California. “It was perfect timing,â€? says Daniel, a teaching artist who wed Cogswell, a media company senior vice president, at Borough Hall on July 24, 2011 — the ďŹ rst day that New York State allowed gay marriages. But Daniel and Cogswell, who have been in a com4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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mitted relationship for 13 years and married for the last two, weren’t eligible for federal government spousal rights. The court ruling on June 26 of this year changes all that. It lays the ďŹ rst nail in the cofďŹ n of the Defense Of Marriage Act — the 1996 law signed by President Bill Clinton that prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriage and authorized states to deny recognition of those from other jurisdictions — by overturning the ban on the federal government respecting same-sex marriages. In doing so, the court opened up new government protections for gay and lesbian couples, including retirement and veterans’ beneďŹ ts, inheritance rights, and health insurance through the workplace for samesex couples legally married in their states. “It’s a very exciting time to be alive,â€? says Daniel. “To be recognized federally is the icing on the cake.â€? The couple isn’t fazed, either, by the possibility that their marriage could mean a bigger tax bite if they ďŹ le jointly. “It’s the ďŹ rst time I’m actually looking forward to April 15,â€? says Cogswell. The pair plans to name their ďŹ rst child Kennedy, after Justice Anthony Kennedy, who provided the swing vote and wrote the majority opinion. Kennedy, along with Justices Stephen Breyer, Elena Kagan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Sonia Sotomayor, ruled DOMA unconstitutional under the Fifth Amendment, stating it sought “to injure the very class New York seeks to protect.â€? The Manhattan widow behind the lawsuit will surely go down in history. Edie Windsor, 84, sued the federal government several years ago, after being slapped with a $360,000 property tax, following the death of her long-time partner, Thea Clara Spyer. The couple, together for more than 40 years, were legally married in Canada in 2007, and when Spyer died in 2009, Windsor faced an inheritance tax she wouldn’t have if Thea had been Theo. For Windsor, it was a long stride forward on an arduous trek. “We won everything we asked for,â€? she told a packed press conference the day of the ruling. “We’ve made a huge step forward and a huge difference in how people look at us.â€? The Supreme Court separately upended Proposition 8, allowing to stand a trial court ruling that found the 2008 California ballot proposition that limited marriage to opposite-sex couples unconstitutional. The high court concluded that the group appealing the lower court ruling did not have legal standing to do so, so it did not have to consider the underlying question of Prop 8’s constitutionality itself. Both rulings — expanding the list of US gay marriage jurisdictions to 13 states and Washington, D.C., all with federal recognition now attached — were championed by gay rights supporters, many of whom celebrated at the Stonewall Inn in Manhattan, the city’s historic birthplace of the gay rights movement. “At long last, the legal marriages of countless gay and lesbian couples will be afforded the same federal recognition and protections as any other,â€? said GLAAD spokesperson Wilson Cruz. “A majority of Americans, and now the highest Court in the land, agree that it’s wrong to strip loving and committed gay and lesbian couples of the fundamental opportunity to marry the person you love.â€? Josh Cogswell and his husband Justin Daniel couldn’t agree more. “We have a relationship, like anybody else,â€? says the pair.

“We’ve made a huge step forward and a huge difference in how people look at us.�

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he law can be confusing — especially for samesex spouses. From a legal standpoint, the gay and lesbian community has long been operating as if it were ďŹ lled with nothing but singletons — even if many have gotten married in New York since 2011. Marriage equality is not yet a reality and sections, statutes, and other legalese used in drafting federal, state, and local legislation are constantly changing for gay and lesbian couples. Yet after the Supreme Court struck down Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act on June 26, 2013, it seems like the law is ďŹ nally progressing. But what has the community really gained? What is it still denied? And what should same-sex spouses still be

aware of when it comes to their federal and state rights? The truth is that the Supreme Court’s decision was just the ďŹ rst step towards equality for married, same-sex couples. The law is just beginning to evolve and new legislation will develop during the next several months. “There are quite a lot of federal rights same-sex couples who are married have gained now that Section 3 of DOMA has been overturned,â€? says Anna M. Pohl, a civil-rights attorney and member of the New York City Bar Association’s LGBT Rights Committee. Some of the most signiďŹ cant rights granted include the right to inherit money and property from a samesex spouse without having to pay federal estate taxes, ďŹ le federal income taxes as a married couple, take family medical leave to care for an ill spouse, and access spousal beneďŹ ts under Social Security and Medicare. Yet, keep in mind that only Section 3 of DOMA was overturned. Section 2 was left untouched and is still in effect. Section 2 says that no individual state is required to recognize a same-sex marriage from another state. So, what does this mean in layman’s terms? It means that a private sector employer in a state where same-sex marriage is not legal, like New Jersey, does not have to provide spousal beneďŹ ts to the spouse Continued on page 22 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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the 2=;/ dilemna

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2=;/ Continued from page 20

of one of its married, same-sex employees – even if the couple became legally married in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, like New York. “Federal and state rights related to marital status are available to same-sex couples who are legally married and live in a state that recognizes same-sex marriages,â€? says Pohl, which means that all New Yorkers who wed in New York are entitled to the same federal beneďŹ ts — gay or straight. “But if a married same-sex couple lives in a state that does not recognize their marriage, they may be able to access some federal rights, but perhaps not all, and they will not have any state rights that different-sex married couples are granted, â€? says Pohl. One part of the hurdle is the result of federal agencies’ unpreparedness for the decision made by the Supreme Court. Most agencies do not have a revised set of regulations ready to implement regarding same-sex marriages. Federal beneďŹ ts are granted or denied to married, same-sex couples based on an agency’s deďŹ nition of marriage. “Some federal agencies have the discretion to recognize marriages as valid if they are legal where celebrated or where the couple lives,â€? says Pohl. For example, a federal government employee who has a samesex spouse and married in New York but lives in New Jersey will be treated as married. Their spouse may take advantage of spousal beneďŹ ts, like health insurance and pension beneďŹ ts. “The U.S. OfďŹ ce of Personnel Management, which manages health insurance and pension beneďŹ ts for federal

The truth is that the Supreme Court’s decision was just the ďŹ rst step towards equality for married, same-sex couples. The law is just beginning to evolve and new legislation will develop during the next several months.

government employees, has instructed all federal agencies to treat federal employees’ marriages as valid if they are legal in the place where the couple got married,â€? says Pohl. But the federal government lacks a standardized mandate regarding same-sex marriages and every agency deďŹ nes marriage differently. The Social Security Administration, for example, uses place of residence to determine whether a person is married when they apply for Social Security or Medicare. “So, a couple who married in New York but lives in New Jersey when they apply for Social Security or Medicare probably won’t be treated as married,â€? says Pohl. “But the Social Security Administration also considers a couple married if they can inherit from each other as spouses do under their state’s intestacy law.â€? So, if the couple lives in New Jersey and is in a civil union, they may be treated as married for the purposes of Social Security or Medicare. The Internal Revenue Service will also have to clarify its regulations. “The IRS considers a couple married if their marriage is recognized in the state where they live, but it also recognizes common law marriages between different-sex couples as valid, even if the state where the couple lives does not recognize common law marriages. If the IRS treats same-sex marriages the same as common law marriages, this will give recognition to all marriages.â€? One clear-cut win however, is that U.S. citizens can sponsor their same-sex spouses for legal permanent residency (or a green card) in the United States. “The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services has already declared that it will look to the state where a binational couple gets married to determine whether their marriage is legal for the purposes of family-based immigration beneďŹ ts,â€? says Pohl. So, if a New Jersey resident and citizen of another country gets married in New York, the American spouse can sponsor their same-sex spouses for legal permanent residency. In the coming months, we will be seeing exactly how the Supreme Court’s decision will impact the lives of married gay and lesbian couples, but until then, there is no clear picture of how federal and state laws will evolve. “This is a developing area of law and it will take some time before all these questions are answered,â€? says Pohl. 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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our wedding outďŹ t may be the focal point of a ceremony, but at the reception the cake takes center stage. And like your snappy ensemble, the cost of a cake lies in the details. Yet, even a groom or a bride on a strict budget can get a beautiful barbican of buttercream just so long as you keeps a few things in mind:

>`WQS ^S` aZWQS The price of the cake doesn’t depend on the amount of tiers but on the number of people it serves. So it’s important to know how many people you expect at your wedding. Standard round butter cake slices can range from $4 to $15, depending on the quality of the ingredients and the bakery. Specialty avors like red velvet, chocolate, or carrot can start at $7 because they require more ingredients than standard butter. Square cakes are more expensive as well because they can provide up to 10 extra servings. Also, keep in mind that if your reception is held in a catering hall or hotel, the cost of the cake may already be included in the reception package, with additional charges for customization.

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;]\Sg aOdW\U bW^a T`][ <Se G]`Y POYS`a Joann Baylor of Make My Cake in Harlem: Use minimal detailing or inexpensive alternatives. For instance, swap velvet for organza or satin ribbon. Lindsey Gamble of Elegantly Iced in Brooklyn: Get a cake that is slightly smaller than a cake that would serve every guest. Many caterers now offer additional desserts to accompany your cake, so you may not need all of your portions, shaving money off the total price. However, brides should keep in mind the size of their space if utilizing this tactic. A 50-person cake may look insigniďŹ cant in a room of 250 people.

Once you ďŹ nd out how much each slice will cost, you need to ďŹ gure out how many tiers you want. Yet no tiered cake is created Continued on page 26 "

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Wedding Pride · Fall-Winter 2013

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1/93 Continued from page 24

equal. The number of servings in each tier of your wedding cake depends on the shape and size of each tier, so the question of how many tiers you need or want requires a bit of math. Round cake pans come in standard sizes from 6 inch to 18 inch in diameter, while square cake pans come in sizes 8 inch to 16 inch in length. For example, a round cake with two tiers, one 8 inch and 10 inch, will yield about 25 and 39 slices respectively and will feed 64 people. That can cost you anywhere from $200 to $1,000. Check our tier chart to ďŹ gure out how many inches yield how many slices.

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Do you like the are of rufes, the elegance of a ribbon, or the romance of roses? The cost of your cake also depends on “garnishes,â€? an industry term for extra details. And the price of the garnishes depends on how intricate their design and whether you use frosting or fondant. Buttercream frosting is less expensive because it’s easier to work with and requires only simple ingredients like sugar, shortening, butter, and avoring. Fondant is

sugar dough that requires a little more work — it has to be kneaded until it’s silky and pliable so it can be draped over the cake. For instance, if a bride wanted rufes on a tier of her cake, it would require a lot of effort if the baker handcrafts each rufe with fondant. But if the baker used buttercream, the same rufes can be created with a simple frosting bag. Also, keep in mind that oral details are usually included in the cost of a cake, but can also be sold separately. They range in price from $.25 to $30 depending on the detailing and size. Bakeries can either create their own owers from gum paste or swap out sugar owers for real ones. Some bakers, however — including Amy Noelle, of Sugar Flower Cake Shop in Hell’s Kitchen — refuse to use real owers due to pesticides and allergies.

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couple can hold a traditional ceremony or a more modern affair, but a reception’s rhythm should always be upbeat. And New York’s top LGBTQ and gay-friendly wedding musicians know how to compose the perfect soundtrack to commemorate a big occasion like your big day. In order to help you make the major decision of hiring a pitch-perfect performer, here are a few professionals capable of making your wedding a truly harmonious event:

AcYW @OS New age musician, Rev. Suki Rae, is an interfaith minister and classically trained utist in Manhattan. “Gay weddings are such an exciting experience,â€? says Rae, who has performed at more than 35 weddings since 2004. “To be able to marry someone you want to marry — it’s such a high! Like freedom at last.â€? Rae, whose music blends jazz, new age, and pop sounds, &

has recorded ďŹ ve solo albums and has performed internationally over the last thirty years. She’s been a musician in residence from Ithaca to Taos, and was even featured in a documentary with the hit band Oasis. But for Rae, weddings — especially same-sex weddings — hold a special place in her heart. “It’s not like playing in a club or restaurant,â€? says Rae. “For an hour or two, you’re part of someone’s life in a very important way.’â€? Reverend Suki Rae [www.sukiatry.com, sukiatry@aol. com]

AO`OV 9W\U O\R bVS A[]YS @W\Ua It’s important to ďŹ nd musicians who understand your vision and can create the right kind of vibe. And if the mood you’re trying to swing is cool and classic, try the big band Sarah King and the Smoke Rings. “Same-sex couples often want to do something different,â€? says the band’s pianist, Alex Levin. “Jazz musicians like us love improvisation and freshness — so same-sex weddings are a wonderful thing to be a part of.â€? Flexibility is built into the model of Sarah King and the Smoke Rings. The band’s sets feature hits from the 1920s through the 1950s, covering songs such as “Ain’t Misbehavin’â€? and “Young at Heart.â€? And with only four members, the band can easily change directions to incorporate requests. “We approach each wedding differently,â€? says Levin. 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

“We just love the spirit of the parties.� Sarah King and the Smoke Rings [(917) 974– 7761, www.thesmokerings.com]

8cRgWa[ Love comes in many forms. And if you’re looking for love in the form of Judy Garland or Cher, then look no further than tribute artist and impersonator, Judyism. Judyism is the creation of Ilan Kwittken, a singer and comedian with 25 years of experience on stage, including four years playing Judy Garland and nearly 20 years playing Cher. Kwittken has even released an album of Judy Garland songs called “Lipstick and Reverb.â€? “I’ve performed for straight people and gay people,â€? Kwittken says. “Judy is popular with lots of different crowds.â€? Judyism isn’t just an impersonator. She’s also ordained to marry couples in every state except Nevada, and was one of the ďŹ rst people to marry same-sex couples after the city of New Paltz legalized the practice briey in 2004. “It’s all about love,â€? Judyism says. “No matter who you are.â€? Judyism [(917) 941–4140, www.judygarlandlive.com, judygarlandlive@gmail.com]

BS\ Bc[PO] If you’re in the mood for a Latin-fusion experience, your best bet is to go with a Ten Tumbao — a group that combines the best music from all over the Spanish-

speaking world. “People, gay and straight, hire us because they don’t want a cookie-cutter experience,� says bandleader, Kenny Kozol. “If you want Cuban, we have one of the best Cuban guitarists. If jazz is more your thing, we can do that too.� Ten Tumbao is an ensemble of players with experience in every style of Latin music who have been performing together since 2006 in venues including Carnegie Hall and Galapagos Art Space. Kozol also heads Los Acustilocos, another band that contributes players to Ten Tumbao. Players from both groups have even incorporated punk, reggae, and pop into weddings. The group even learned four traditional Peruvian songs for a recent wedding. “We pride ourselves on great music, whatever it is,� says Kozol. “I want people to have a beautiful wedding.� Ten Tumbao [(917) 254–6818, www.tentumbao.com, tentumbao@gmail.com]

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ame-sex sweethearts borrow conventions from traditional weddings then twist them into something new — like two men holding a single sunower in lieu of a bride’s bouquet and lesbian brides wearing complementary white suits. And because of this, gay couples naturally integrate something old, something new, and something borrowed into their big days without even knowing it. So why not add something blue? But what? You can get cheeky with a pair of baby blue briefs (or panties) or tie the knot in a teal tie. The options are endless and tweaking this tradition lends gay and lesbian lovebirds leeway for personal expression. So, whatever you choose have fun getting the blues.

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photographic same-sex faux pas such as two bulky bouquets blocking one or both brides or failing to capture symmetry when the subjects have similar body types. The authors and photographers also offer tips on how to counter complications that occur when heterosexual gender conventions — like the throwing of the garter or bouquet — are absent from a gay or lesbian wedding. The book offers photographic examples such as a bride in a gown dipping her partner in a suit or a groom standing on his tiptoes to kiss his husband to display same-sex love, which serve as creative, jumpingoff points for photographers and couples. “Capturing Loveâ€? is a practical source, but it is also a collection of breathtaking photos. Page after page is ďŹ lled with beatiďŹ c faces celebrating love that is artfully captured by photographers who are experienced and comfortable shooting same-sex love. Each full-page photograph also receives a broad explanation of why the composition works, as well as the picture’s backstory. The end result is a pragmatic guide disguised as a series of beautiful and intimate moments.

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edding photos can be one of the most meaningful mementoes of a couple’s special day. But the line that separates a good from a bad photograph can be a very thin one. Most couples are happy to leave the heavy lifting of portraiture to a professional behind the camera. Yet many wedding photographers do not have experience capturing same-sex love. Enter “Capturing Love: The Art of Lesbian and Gay Wedding Photography,� compiled and edited by photographer, Thea Dodds, and the president of GayWeddings.com Kathryn Hamm. The book takes the reader on a step-by-step journey through a gorgeous gay and lesbian wedding album. It’s intent is to explain to photographers what they should expect and ask of a samesex clients and to educate newly engaged couples so that they have a better understanding of what separates a great photographer from a serviceable one when they’re interviewing potential candidates. The book, which is beautifully illustrated by the work of 38 experienced photographers, helps readers avoid

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irst comes love, then comes marriage — and if you’re in a devoted gay marriage — then comes ďŹ nding a donor and browsing Amazon for a baby carriage. Much like this modern modiďŹ cation to the classic nursery rhyme, starting a family as a same-sex couple is complicated. But the good news is, there are lots of options for lesbian and gay spouses who want children. Yet knowing where to start can be daunting. So, let’s break it down. Basically, the ďŹ rst major decision you and your partner need to make is whether you want to adopt or have a biological child of your own.

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decision to make is what kind. There are a few different types to consider: Adoption agency Agencies will guide you through every step of the adoption process, though the cost of their services isn’t cheap. When choosing an agency, it’s a good idea to do some research and ďŹ nd a gay-friendly organization. Independent adoption Like in the movie “Juno,â€? this option is more or less do-it-yourself adoption. You ďŹ nd the birth parents on your own, make an arrangement with them, and then ďŹ nalize the adoption with an attorney. International adoption Many families choose to adopt from another country. This can be a good option if it’s important for you to adopt an infant, since there can be a shorter wait than adopting an infant in the U.S. Unfortunately, there is some international discrimination to keep in mind. Russia, for example, recently banned sex-same adoption. State adoption Adopting a child through the state’s foster care or child welfare system is the fastest route. You’re also helping a kid who really needs a home, which can be extremely rewarding.

:SUOZ QVOZZS\USa The legality of same-sex adoption is still a patchwork across the country. If you decide to adopt, the next step is to ďŹ nd a lawyer that specializes in lesbian and gay parenting. Continued on page 36 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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“I always say that it’s great to have a lawyer who is gay-friendly, but what you really need is one who is gayknowledgeable,� says Ron L. Meyers, Esq., a Manhattan attorney that specializes in estate planning for gay couples. Adoption law varies from state to state, with a handful banning it outright. Luckily, in New York, it’s legal for same-sex couples to adopt a child jointly. “New York is an increasingly gay-friendly state,� said Meyers. “Since many of the laws relating to parenting hinge on the marital relationship, the passage of the Marriage Equality Act in 2011 was a great leap forward for gay parenting.�

?cSS` aQWS\QS( 0W]Z]UWQOZ QVWZR`S\ It could be important to you to have a biological connection to your child. And why not? It’s a pretty magical thing. Yet, for gay couples it’s not as simple as one steamy night. Still there are many options, and as fertility science advances, this route is becoming more and more common. For male couples, there are two important elements: you need an egg donor and a surrogate. Unfortunately, surrogacy is still illegal in some places, including New York. “Surrogacy is still a relatively novel procedure and state laws differ widely,� says Meyers. If you do decide to go this route, be prepared for steep legal and medical fees. Since surrogacy is legal in some states, and laws elsewhere are likely to change, let’s explore that option. Most couples opt for gestational surrogacy, which involves two women: one woman donates an egg and a surrogate carries the child after an in vitro fertilization procedure. It’s considered a safer option legally, since the woman that gives birth to your baby has no parental claim of any kind.

This process also elicits yet another important decision you and your partner will have to make: do you go with an anonymous or known donor? There are pros and cons to each. If you go through a donor agency the costs can be sky-high, but as with adoption agencies, the organization will guide you through the process. It is also important to know that even if you read a thorough proďŹ le of a potential donor, you will probably never met the person. If you choose a donor you know, on the other hand, it can be comforting to have a good sense of the person whose genes will be passed down to your child. But keep in mind that knowing the donor can lead to complications in the future. Now that you are certain that you want biological children and know how you want to have them, there’s another critical decision to be made: which partner will be the biological parent? Or can both? There are ways for the whole family to have a genetic connection, if you’re able to shoulder the costs and have patience with the process. For male couples, it’s possible to inseminate half the donated eggs with sperm from one partner, and half from the other. It’s common for more than one embryo to be implanted—one from each partner. In some cases this could result in twins, though more often only one embryo will implant, leaving what could otherwise be a very tough decision up to chance. Only after the baby is born do you know which partner is the biological parent. If you want to have two or more kids, however, both partners can have the opportunity to be the biological parent to a child. If you use the same egg donor or sperm for both children, the kids will be genetically related to each other. Unsurprisingly, women have a few more options to choose from when it comes to biological parenting. Often lesbian couples will decide to have one partner provide the egg, and implant the embryo via in-vitro fertilization into the other partner, who experiences the pregnancy and gives birth to the child. Legal steps are still necessary for both partners in order to get full parental rights with a fertility-assisted birth. Regardless of the law in your state, second-parent adoption is the safest way to assure this. This is when the non-biological parent legally adopts the child, with the biological parent retaining all their rights. “While full marriage recognition can, in certain states, grant a presumptive parental right to the spouse of a biological parent, that right is speciďŹ c to that state,â€? says Meyers. For example, if Rosie and Juliet are married, and Rosie gives birth, then Juliet may be recognized as a parent by virtue of her marriage to Rosie. “But only in certain states,â€? explains Meyers. “Second-parent adoption creates an unequivocal legal relationship between the adoptive parent and the child. And because adoption results in a court order, there is a virtual certainty that it will be recognized in other states.â€? The path to parenting can be long, pricey, and sprinkled with a plethora of complex decisions to consider. Yet, that’s the choice you make when you decide to become a parent — regardless if you’re gay or straight. Luckily, as LGBTQ rights and fertility technology keep advancing, same-sex sweethearts who do want children are getting more options and have less hurtles to overcome in order to have love, marriage — and the baby carriage, too.

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Bay Ridge pair Taz Vallas and Edwin Ramos were married in Hawaii before gay marriage was legalized in New York. The men had a commitment ceremony in the Aloha State 17 years ago, but traded up to a marriage license from the Empire State in 2011. To celebrate their Big Apple nuptials, the couple left for a Caribbean getaway so that Vallas could meet Ramos’ family in Puerto Rico. Two years later, the couple is still going strong. Their secret? They credit honest communication for their happiness. “It’s not only about sex and kisses,� said Ramos. And what message does Ramos hope straight New Yorkers gain from marriage equality? “I hope gay people teach straight people that marriage is something you can enjoy with your partner no matter what sex you are.�

! 0O`PO`O B`S[PZOg O\R AbOQSg ;W\]\R] Downtown Brooklyn spouses Barbara Tremblay and Stacey Minondo say they have had two marriages — a love and a legal marriage. The pair had a ceremony in 2010 and, exactly a year and a week later, they were legally wed. They both have two rings, one from each ceremony, that they’ve had welded together. Tremblay enjoys clearly calling Minondo her “wifeâ€? rather than “partner.â€? “It’s not a question anymore — it is what it is,â€? says Tremblay. But the ďŹ ght is not over yet (read more about this in “The DOMA Dilemmaâ€?). Tremblay re members Minondo being very ill and not being able to leave work to care for her under the “Family and Medical Leave Act.â€? “It’s wild that it’s still a conversation,â€? she said. “But I think it’s just going to take society a little longer.â€? !&

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Maggie Lally and Lisa Fane Maggie Lally of Park Slope credits simple gestures like remembering to order baba ganoush as the reason why her wife Lisa Fane has been with her for 15 years. "She's a vegetarian and I'm not," says Lally. "J always make sure there's a vegetarian option for her." Fane, on the other hand, credits their longevity to something less tangible. "There's just a bond. We can go about and live our lives from that place," says Fane. The pair wanted to wait until gay marriage was legal in New York before tying the knot. "It would be mean­ ingless without the ac­ knowledgment

of

the

place we live," says Lally. "If it's not going to be here, it's just a charade." Plus, they couldn't resist being part of such an his­ toric moment. "It was a very powerful experience to share with so many people who felt similarly," says Lally. "We felt married, but now it's recognized." Last summer, the two had a party to celebrate their one-year wedding anniversary. To them, the celebration felt like a delayed wedding reception because most of their loved ones did not at­

times you need something a little more than just a spiri­

tend their civil ceremony at Brooklyn's Borough Hall.

tual bond - a legal bond is important as well.

"It was a wonderful event," says Lally. "It was so com­

"You're not just marrying each other," said Fane. "It's a coming together of families and a meshing of a whole

fortable, casual, and joyous." The celebration also helped Fane realize that some-

support structure."

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39

pioneers

E3AB Point AB=@G Fulton was dumbfounded. “I looked at her and my jaw dropped,â€? recalls Fulton. “I don’t know why I never thought of that.â€? Gnesin, a breast cancer survivor, has multiple sclerosis, which has inspired the two women in their 50s to live each day together to its fullest. “So at that very moment, I got up and walked to Penny,â€? says Fulton. “I got down on one knee, I took her 0G 3:GA3 E/<A63: hand, and I said, ‘I love you with all my heart, would you marry me at the Cadet Chapel at West Point?’â€? n July of 2012, Brenda ‘Sue’ Fulton and her partner, Gnesin said yes and everyone was swept up in a moPenelope Gnesin, were in Sine Irish Pub in Arling- ment. ton, Va. having lunch with a group of friends Fulton “And then as I’m trying to get up, I realize that my affectionately calls the “Pentagon gays.â€? Fulton, a West knee is locked and people had to come over and help me Point graduate and founding board member of Out- up,â€? says Fulton, causing Gnesin to laugh. Serve, an organization for actively serving LGBT-mili“It was amazing,â€? says Gnesin. tary personnel, was looking at her friends Jenny Caruso The women met in March of 1995 at a community (retired Army Lt. Col.) and Chris Etzkorn’s wedding hymn-sing in northern New Jersey. Their mutual attracphotos, when Caruso asked: tion led Fulton to join “Olympia’s Daughters,â€? a choir that “When are you and Penny going to get married?â€? Gnesin directed in Plainville. That August, the women Fulton and Gnesin have been together 18 years, and went to a choir retreat in Sandy Hook where they went for in that time they have had a commitment, domestic a walk. Toward the end, Fulton said something funny and partnership, and civil union ceremony in May 1999, No- Gnesin smiled. vember 2004, and May 2007, respectively. “And I said, ‘I think I would do just about anything for “Our friends used to joke that we’ve been committed, that smile,’ â€? says Fulton. That’s when sparks ew. domesticated, and civilized,â€? says Fulton. “All we had “For me,â€? says Gnesin, “at that moment, a light went on left was marriage.â€? inside.â€? The women were ofďŹ cially a couple the following Yet, the two New Jersey residents were waiting for September. same-sex marriage to become legal in their home state. Their relationship has been has been harmonious ever “That was always our plan,â€? says Fulton. since, but their life struck a sour note as Fulton took the That was until Caruso casually said: initial steps in planning the ďŹ rst same-sex wedding at the “You know, now that New York has legalized gay conservative military academy’s Cadet Chapel months just marriage, you could get married at West Point.â€? months after the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tellâ€? policy formally came to an end in September of 2011. Fulton, who also acts as chair of the board for Knights Out — an organization of West Point alumni that supports LGBT rights — admits that she was prepared for a challenge. Fulton was one of the ďŹ rst women to graduate from West Point in 1980 and at that time, there was an outright ban on LGBT service members. “ ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ wasn’t even in place at that time,â€? says Fulton. “The military was an amazing training ground. I had incredible leadership opportunities with talented people. But sometimes your commander would be reassigned and a new guy would come in and you never knew what would happen.â€? Fulton painfully remembers being part of what she describes as a witch-hunt. “It didn’t matter how successful of a soldier I was,â€? recalls Fulton. “And it was at that point that I swore to myself that I was going to do my obligation and once I was done, I was going to get out because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.â€? Yet, the sting resurfaced as soon as Ful0`S\RO AcS 4cZb]\ ZSTb O\R >S\SZ]^S 5\SaW\ ^`]QSSR bV`]cUV O\ V]\]` UcO`R ton called the Cadet Chapel to schedule a T]`[W\U O\ O`QV ]T `OWaSR ae]`Ra

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have to notify the chief chaplain who would call Fulton back. Fulton, who was appointed by President Obama to sit on the Board of Visi­ tors at West Point in 2011, was aggravated. All chapels at West Point are non-denominational and are open to all service members. West Point chapels provide a space, and the couple finds someone who will provide a religious service, which Fulton had already found in Rev. Vanessa R. Southern, a Unitarian Universalist minister who would perform the ceremony, and Col. J. Wesley Smith, an Episcopal army chaplain at West Point who would take part.

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Fulton felt that scheduling the actual event was the most chal­ lenging obstacle the couple faced.

Her wife, on the other hand, saw things differently. "In my opinion, our biggest challenge was that when we were driv­ ing from the hotel to the chapel, we were pulled over by the military police because Sue was speeding," says Gnesin. "Oh - and preparing my choir!" The couple tied the knot on December 1, 2012 at the Cadet Chapel in West Point - a landmark Gothic church that can hold over 1,000 people. Gnesin's choir performed songs like "Going to the Chapel," and ex-choir director was especially excited about the church's 2,400 pipe organ that dates back to 1912. And she chose "The Prince of Den­ mark's March," by Jeremiah Clarke, to be played on that "magnificent instrument" as she and Fulton walked down the aisle together. "I really felt like royalty going down the aisle to that music," says Gnesin. But that wasn't the only emotion she felt. "When we were going down the aisle, it felt like years and years of pent-up and unexpressed LGBT-love was getting loose. It was like joy busting out all over, boy!" says Gnesin. Fulton also felt deeply for the community, especially the new gen­ eration of service members. "These cadets and young soldiers who are serving our country­ their families will be treated with respect and equally. That's how I felt," says Fulton. Yet because the couple resides in New Jersey and laws previously governed by DOMA are still evolving, as it stands, Fulton and Gnesin will not receive full federal benefits. "Because we live in New Jersey, nothing really changed for us," says Fulton. But the resilient ex-cadet and LGBT activist is not defeated. "We're going to use any resources we have to fight this battle," says Fulton. "We got to get it done for the younger generation, despite what our state government does," says Fulton. "Chris Christie is a duh-duh head," adds Gnesin, lovingly sup­ porting her wife - and essentially - the entire gay and lesbian com­ munity. Wedding Pride · Fall-Winter 2013

41

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His & His; Hers & Hers; YOURS! Tying the knot? Starting a family? Just need more room? The reversal of DOMA now makes buying real estate in New York State ďŹ nancially attractive for same-sex married couples while eliminating the burden of inheritance tax.

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I’m Rob Seitz & I have lived & worked in Westchester County long enough to know the difference between Bronxville & The Bronx and Yonkers & Yorktown. Turn to me for the sensitivity and patience needed in ďŹ nding the right home, or a commercial property to run your business, to either buy or rent. I offer solid experience in both, primarily in Westchester & the Bronx. “We never felt like just another client of Rob’s. He was attuned to what we needed as two moms with three babies. He found us the perfect place to continue our new family life together in Westchester.â€? Nicole & Darra, Pelham, NY

Robert Seitz, NY State Licensed Realtor #40SE1011923 Stetson Real Estate 1214 E Boston Post Rd Mamaroneck, NY 10543 m: 914.393.6144 | o: 914.381.7173 e: RSeitz@StetsonRealEstate.com www.StetsonRealEstate.com

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n February of 2011, Charlotte and Valerie Garafolo were having dinner at Coquito, their favorite restaurant in their hometown of Warwick, NY, and Charlotte was struggling to contain her frustration. “It was the day of our 10-year-anniversary, and Valerie hadn’t gotten me anything,â€? Charlotte recalls. “I need gifts. I was kind of pissed.â€? The couple ďŹ nished eating and just as they were about to order dessert, the door to the kitchen opened, and out walked Bill Leech — a friend and the owner of the restaurant. Leech presented Charlotte with a brownie with a candle in it and when she looked down to blow out the candle, she noticed the words: “Will you marry me?â€? Valerie smiled at her. “She even bought me a necklace,â€? Charlotte says. “I felt like a jerk.â€? Both women, who have known each other for 14 years, are originally from New York City, but that’s where the similarities end. The couple is proof that opposites really do attract. Charlotte is an 18-year veteran police ofďŹ cer in the NYPD, while Valerie is a 19-year veteran hairdresser at Space Salon in Soho. Valerie “loves the nightlifeâ€? while Charlotte, who’s more straight and narrow, prefers to spend her free time at home in the country. The couple has learned to compromise over the years. Valerie initially didn’t want to have kids, but today they are the proud parents of twin, 5-year-old daughters, Eva and Etta. They even own a home together. “When we ďŹ rst met, she didn’t want any part of me,â€? former wild-child Valerie says. “Look at us now.â€? Shortly after their anniversary dinner, the couple exchanged vows in a private civil marriage in Connecticut. They were thrilled to be married, but something lingered within both of them — they wanted to share their love with family and friends from New York City. Later that year, they got the chance. Two days after New York State legalized same-sex marriage on June 26, 2011, Charlotte and Valerie marched in the Gay OfďŹ cers Action League contingent alongside nearly 200 other police ofďŹ cers and their families in Manhattan’s annual LGBT Pride Parade. Charlotte remembered that the experience was overwhelming. Not long after that, they attended their ďŹ rst same-sex wedding in New York. “It was on a beach on Long Island and the bride’s parents walked her down the aisle,â€? Charlotte says. “It was the real thing. That’s when we started planning our wedding in New York.â€? ESRRW\U >`WRS Â’ 4OZZÂłEW\bS` !

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Their dream of getting married in New York ďŹ nally came true on May 19, 2013. The couple gathered 150 of their closest friends and family members in a mansion in Washingtonville for the wedding that they always wanted. “We wanted to feel close to our guests,â€? Valerie said. “We didn’t want a banquet hall-type feel.â€? Despite their distaste for a banquet-hall wedding tradition, the couple opted to maintain many aspects of a conventional wedding. Charlotte refused to see Valerie prior to the ceremony. Valerie wore a white Vera Wang dress and Charlotte wore a custom suit. Their daughters, Eva and Etta, both wore dresses in colors matching those of Valerie and Charlotte, respectively. “When I walked in the room, I felt like someone had pushed me over,â€? Valerie says. “I cried the whole time.â€? The ofďŹ ciant, Kevin Bain, interviewed Charlotte and Valerie separately and put their love story together. At the end of the service, Bain tied a ribbon around both of their hands and had them light a candle symbolizing the unity of their families. Both Valerie and Charlotte agree that it was a magical moment. “People are still talking about our wedding,â€? Valerie says. “They said that the love in the room was intoxicating.â€? But the big surprise came later, when the couple went to inspect the marriage certiďŹ cate. For weeks leading up to the wedding, Charlotte had been pressing Valerie, whose given name is Orlando, to change her last name. The couple had already legally changed their daughters’ last names to “Orlando-Garafolo,â€? but Valerie had resisted, citing her business connections in the hairdressing world. But when Charlotte went to look at the certiďŹ cate, she discovered that Valerie had changed her last name to “Garafoloâ€? without telling Charlotte. “I was shocked,â€? Charlotte says. “If you love someone and want to hold onto the person, do it. It’s a different feeling. It’s not just a piece of paper.â€? "'

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verything’s bigger in Texas — except marriage equality laws. So when Dallas duo Martin Sigler and Timothy T. Thomas were ready to tie the knot in 2012, they did not know where to wed. “We deďŹ nitely weren’t going to get married in Des Moines,â€? says Thomas. “For me, there was just a lot more attraction to New York City.â€? The couple decided to take a weeklong “preemiemoonâ€? to Manhattan and end their trip with a wedding at the Carlyle, a hotel that Thomas describes as “the height of elegance.â€? On their ďŹ rst day in town, the couple spent three hours posing for photographer Jen Lynne all over the city. And like most, they fell in love with the Big Apple in a New York minute. “When she was taking the pictures, one of the things I was uncomfortable with was that she asked us to kiss at several locations,â€? Thomas remembers. “And each time we did, people would come by and clap and cheer and send us good wishes. And it was one of the most positive experiences of my life.â€? Sigler recalls the incident a little differently. “Well, I don’t know if they cheered,â€? Sigler says. “But it was sure nice to have people so accepting of us.â€?

The wedding ended up being huge success — the two men got married on a beautiful spring day in a suite that overlooked Central Park. Yet the road to their dream wedding at the Carlyle had a few bumps. First off, even after four years together the two weren’t sure they wanted to make it legal — mostly because gay marriage is not legal in the Lone Star State. “Why get married in Texas where it will be meaningless?â€? Sigler remembers thinking. “I just thought it was empty for us, because it didn’t matter in the state we live in.â€? But when several states started legalizing same-sex marriages, the men decided to make it ofďŹ cial and took the idea of actually getting married very seriously. “We called ourselves ‘husbands’ before,â€? says Thomas. “But I switched over to ‘partner’ before we were really going to get married, because I wanted the next time I said it to be real. This wasn’t a commitment ceremony — this was all our family witnessing us become married.â€? The men also decided to have a traditional wedding for a very symbolic meaning. They wanted to hear a very speciďŹ c phrase: By the power vested in me by the State of New York. “Those words made it feel validating and ofďŹ cial and important,â€? says Sigler. And at Wedding Pride, we feel that marriage should always feel that way — for every couple. 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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Antonio and Kirven were accomplished dancers with Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. Antonio was solosit with Dance Theater Harlem and joined Alvin Ailey in 2003 and Kirven joined a year later, in 2004. The two had traveled the world together, performing for audiences and dignitaries in venues and theaters in places as grand as Paris and as down-home as Kentucky. At the time, both men were hesitant to take their professional relationship to a more personal level, but the sugary spill at Starbucks that day lead to something sweet, because shortly after, the men began to date. For many couples, working and traveling together puts strain on a relationship. But not so for the Douthit-Boyds. The men take a sensible, professional approach to work and life. “We tend to do very well with giving each other space, even though we’re around each other a lot,� says Kirven. “We’ve actually gotten closer over the years.� That’s why it came as no surprise to friends and co-workers when the pair announced in January #$

of 2013 that they were getting married. The planning of the wedding, much like their relationship, was relatively stress-free. Kirven’s mother and grandmother in Boston decided to cater the event with home-cooked soul food. The Alvin Ailey Center granted them permission to rent out a oor of the building for the reception. And the stage manager for the touring company, Kristin Colvin Young, agreed to bake the wedding cake. “I have a big network,â€? says Kirven. “We had a lot of help.â€? Yet, unlike the planning process, the day of the actual wedding, June 7, 2013, was as sticky as a cup of hot chocolate. Tropical Storm Andrea hit the New York area and dumped more than four inches of rain onto the city. The trafďŹ c was so heavy that the trip from the grooms’ apartment in Harlem to the courthouse in downtown Manhattan took almost two hours. The couple had hoped to be the ďŹ rst in line to get married at 8:30 am, but ended up having to wait until 11 am for the ceremony. But the weather didn’t dampen the men’s — or their wedding party’s — spirits. “We we’re so excited. I’m sure we were the loudest at the city clerk’s ofďŹ ce,â€? Antonio remembers. “It was inspiring.â€? The wedding party headed back tto Harlem for brunch at Red Rooster after the men exchanged 4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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ight years ago, professional dancers Antonio and Kirven Douthit-Boyd were rehearsing for a performance in the United Kingdom when the two decided to go to Starbucks. Kirven ordered a hot chocolate and as the men started talking, the cup slipped out of Kirven’s hands. “The hot chocolate was all over his jeans,� Antonio remembers. “I thought it was cute.�

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vows, and then to the couple’s home for a wardrobe change. But midway through the drive back to the men’s apartment, Antonio received a call from his adopted mother who was ying in from St. Louis. “She said that she might not be able to make it in time because of the rain,â€? says Antonio, whose biological mother died when he was young and who has lost contact with his father. “I was a bit disappointed, but I couldn’t blame her.â€? Everything was in order when the couple arrived at the reception — the DJ, food, and more than a hundred guests were all in attendance and ready to celebrate. Yet, there was no sign of Antonio’s mom. But, coincidentally, as the couple prepared to embark on their ďŹ rst dance together to Oleta Adams “Get Here,â€? someone important ESRRW\U >`WRS Â’ 4OZZÂłEW\bS` !

from St. Louis ďŹ nally got to there. “She showed up right in time for the ďŹ rst dance,â€? jokes Antonio of his mother. “I saw her come in the door. We didn’t really dance — I cried the whole time.â€? The party lasted well past midnight and there was a lot of toasting, partying, and, of course, dancing. So much so, that the men actually changed out of the gray suits they got married in and into blazers, sneakers, and shorts so they could really bust a move. The Douthit-Boyds are back at work on a new performance piece and are quite a pair — just like the pants that brought them together. “And I still have them,â€? Kirven says of the treasured trousers. “I may keep them forever.â€?

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allsy brides Nilsa and Debbie Eppolito, who met while playing in a recreation softball league, love to throw friends and family curve balls. For instance, they initially decided to ip-op their wedding and honeymoon — opting to take a trip to Hawaii with friends to celebrate their nuptials before their wedding and then tie the knot ofďŹ cially at the Dyker Beach Golf Course in Brooklyn on Sept. 14, 2012. But, while getting their marriage license at City Hall a month before, the couple decided on a whim to get hitched that day — Aug. 17 Wedding Pride caught up with the sporty sweethearts to talk about their grand slam of a day:

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edding Pride: What did you like best about planning a wedding? Nilsa Eppolito: Finding the little, interesting things that would make it our own. We got a vintage taxicab, because Debbie loves oldfashioned cars and I’ve traveled all my life in a taxi. Debbie Eppolito: My favorite part was getting the rings, because then we knew it was real. WP: What were your biggest obstacles? NE: The guest list. DE: We wanted it to be a small wedding. NE: And it turned out to be a big, wonderful wedding instead — we had 177 people! WP: How did you choose the location of your wedding? NE: All the locations [we checked out] were really over the top and weren’t our style. The Dyker Beach Golf Course was the one that made us feel like we weren’t in Brooklyn — I thought it was really cute and quaint. WP: Was your wedding more traditional or modern? NE: I think it was a combination of both traditional and modern. When got married at City Hall, we didn’t do some big receiving line, the ďŹ rst dance, or parent dances. But when we had the ceremony, we exchanged

rings and I had a bouquet. And since there were two brides, Debbie did something borrowed [by wearing Nilsa’s earrings] and something blue [she wore a blue shirt] and I did something old [she wore a pair of old earrings] and something new [her Alfred Angelo dress]. WP: Well, that’s certainly a modern way of incorporating a tradition. Is there anything else signiďŹ cantly different about a lesbian wedding? NE: No, but some people think so. Some people weren’t sure what to expect, but everyone just enjoyed themselves. WP: What was your favorite moment at the wedding? DE: Nilsa walking down the aisle. She’s the best, loving, caring person that you’ll ever meet with the biggest heart. As soon as I saw her, I started crying. NE: That was mine too. I started crying and I didn’t want to cry. And we didn’t have tissues! WP: How did you choose your outďŹ ts? DE: I thought I was going to have a really difďŹ cult time ďŹ nding something. When I found my suit, it was very surprising because I don’t really ďŹ t into women’s clothes. I looked like Ellen DeGeneres. NE: I actually didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t really want a traditional gown because I’m so tiny and short. DE: And sexy. NE: Thank you ‌ and I saw this cute little cocktail dress. I think we looked very vintage-y, which was cute. WP: How does it feel to be married now? NE: Oh, I love it. I just love seeing Debbie every day, spending time together with her and our dogs, and waking up next to her. She doesn’t judge me when I’m really silly. DE: It’s so awesome! I like to wake up in the morning to Nilsa’s smile. She’s a happy-go-lucky person — you would think she’s 15 again. We can’t get enough of each other. WP: Nilsa, why did you decide to change your last name? NE: That’s something I could give Debbie that didn’t cost anything and wasn’t hard to do, but I knew she would appreciate it and be very excited. WP: How did it feel to be able to get married legally? NE: I was very excited because it’s something that everybody should be entitled to do. When people ask me if I’m married I have no problem saying I have a wife. DE: Everybody knows and it’s all good.

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BVS 3^^]ZWb]a¸ b]^ ÂżdS PWba ]T eSRRW\U ORdWQS( Stick to your budget. “Make sure you can afford everything,â€? says Debbie. “Because you don’t want to put yourself in a hole.â€? Don’t be afraid to get a little help from your friends. “Reach out to everyone you know because somebody might be able to get you something cheaper,â€? says Nilsa. ! Fine tune your guest list. “If you don’t invite some-

ESRRW\U >`WRS Â’ 4OZZÂłEW\bS` !

body to the wedding, don’t feel like they’re not going to be your friend anymore,� says Debbie. " Take a chill pill. “Don’t be bridezillas or groomzillas,� says Nilsa. “When it comes to the wedding day, some things may or may not go the way you planned, but you have to remember what this day is really all about.� # Keep in mind a wedding is a joyous event. “Have fun and compromise,� says Nilsa.

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Advertiser Index We would like to thank all of our advertisers for helping to make this issue of Wedding Pride magazine a resounding success.

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SHOW YOUR PRIDE

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e can use your help! We’re already looking forward to our next edition of Wedding Pride, and we’re always updating our site (weddingprideny.com). So, if you’re a same-sex couple we has recently had a wedding or is planning one in New York, we would love to speak to you! You can be the talk of your family and friends — and have a great tale to tell the grandkids — by having your big day prominently featured in our groundbreaking publication. If you’re interested in showing your Pride, contact us at weddingpride@cnglocal.com.

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1=<B@70CB=@A Kathy Valentine Productions www.kathyvalentineproductions.com (917) 476–9713 kathyvalentineproductions@gmail. com Erica Camille Productions www.ericacamilleproductions.com (920) 539–8212 erica@ericacamilleproductions.com Jen Lynne Photography www.jenlynnephotography.net (616) 308–1279

William Chang Photography www.william-chang.com (718) 395–7223 info@william-chang.com Ellyx Ferguson ellyx2387.wix.com/efphotography (617) 417–5747 ellyx2387@gmail.com Lisa Berry Photography www.lisaberryphotography.com (812) 331–7889 lisa@lisaberryphotography.com

4OZZÂłEW\bS` ! Â’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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WeddingPrideVillage Mind Over Matter Health & Fitness

Celebration Ceremonies www.celebrationceremonies.net FMFortunato06@aol.com (646) 322-6743

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The wedding ministry of Reverend Francesca Fortunato: ordained Interfaith Minister since 2003. An actress/writer as well as minister, Rev. Francesca creates and performs beautiful, personal, meaningful ceremonies for couples of many different faiths (or none). She is proud and delighted to now perform legal marriages for members of her own LGBTQ community!

Let Freedom Ring

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Here are the Monstar’s top picks for the wedding soundtrack that’s sexy, romantic, fun, and most importantly, queer: 1. Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros 2. Kiss - Prince 3. One and Only - Adele 4. Stars 4-ever - Robyn 5. The Way You Look Tonight Frank Sinatra 6. Push It - Salt-N-Peppa 7. At Last - Etta James 8. The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson 9. Can’t Help Falling In Love - Ingrid Michaelson 10. Two Princes - Spin Doctors 11. Lovesong - Adele 12. I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston 13. Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You Lauryn Hill 14. Like A Prayer - Madonna 15. Animal - Miike Snow 16. Baby Got Back - Sir-MixA-Lot 17. Sweet Dreams Eurythmics 18. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper 19. Wannabe - Spice Girls 20. Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg - TLC 1SZSP`ObS eWbV QZ]QYeWaS T`][ b]^ /RSZS ;OR]\\O EVWb\Sg 6]cab]\ O\R 3ReO`R AVO`^S 4OZZ³EW\bS` ! ’ ESRRW\U >`WRS

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few days before her birthday this past January, Mila Polyak, woke up with a ring on her ďŹ nger and a question from her girlfriend: would she marry her? Polyak, otherwise known as DJ Monstar is a mainstay of the LGBTQ-party scene and spins regularly at events such as Witches of Bushwick, Hot Rabbit, and Venus Trap. She has been thinking about what kind of music she would play at a gay wedding ever since her engagement. “Whitney Houston, Robyn, and Cyndi Lauper seem to really get the gay boys and girls on their feet and on to the dance oor,â€? says Polyak. But a wedding will be more of a mixed crowd. “So, besides the usual dance music, you want to add some ’50s swing, some ’80s, and some ’90s,â€? says Polyak. “You can do that at a nightlife party too, but not everyone there would appreciate a good Frank Sinatra song.â€? And for the extra hint of romance that every wedding needs, Polyak looks to her ďŹ nance, Shannon, for advice. “She has much better taste in older stuff than I do,â€? admits Polyak. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros’ “Homeâ€? is Polyak and her girl’s song, but if she had to pick one deďŹ nitive wedding song, she would go with something a little more sultry. “Adele’s ‘One and Only,’ is the ultimate to me because it’s a song where she tells that person to give her a chance. They’re taking a risk with one another and that’s what it’s all about.â€?

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