SATIRE

OPINION - SATIRE

wordle ruined my life

David Joseph Lauren Kern I hate Wordle. Yes. I said it. I hate Wordle. Before you throw toma- only have one right letter: “a”! I could not believe my eyes. I had never

toes at me, let me explain. used more than three tries on a Wordle. The crowd of reporters

My hatred for Wordle started on January 26th, 2022, a day I refer

to as “the incident.” I did my usual morning routine– drink some OJ

and try to catch the bus before it leaves. Barely making it, I take a

seat in the front row and open the application that had taken the

wheel in my life. Wordle. reacted with groans and gasps as I quickly guessed the words “place”

and “flack” in sheer panic. I realized too late that “plate” was a useless

guess because “adieu” contained an “e,” but my grief was short-lived

in the victory of “c” and “k” both being green, indicating that the word

ended in “ack.”

I had started playing Wordle two months prior when a friend

recommended it. I vividly remember me guessing the word on my

first try. That was the moment I realized that I had a talent– No, a

gift from nature itself. I was destined to be the world’s best Wordle

player! Wordle quickly enveloped my life. My popularity grew rapidly–

paparazzi would constantly flood me outside my residence, news

stories would be written about me, and my parents even told me

to give up on my dreams of becoming a doctor to play Wordle pro-

fessionally. There was even a fan club at school for me. But little did I

know that I was going to lose all of this that day.

I started my Wordle with the first guess: “adieu.” It was a phenom-

enal word– but it only gave me a yellow with the letter “a” – indi-

cating that “a” was in the word, but not in the right spot. I gasped

audibly. Never before had I gotten a yellow on the first try; there

was always at least one green letter. Nevertheless, I brushed it off

as the bus arrived at school. I departed for the entrance where I was

flooded by reporters from the fan club all trying to witness a master

play his game. They asked me if they could broadcast this game to

the world. Reluctantly, I agreed as I ventured for a second guess. I

guessed the word “graph.” I held my breath as the results revealed to Two more guesses. I could not afford to lose here. 500,000 peo-

ple were watching the broadcast– Terry Crews, Justin Beiber, the

President, anyone you could think of. I guessed the only word that

could come to mind: “thack.” The “h” turned green, but the “t” was

incorrect. I could not believe it. I was at the end of my rope. I could

only think of one word: “shack.” I typed the letters in and held my

breath as I pressed “enter.” The whole world seemed to go silent for

a second. I watched as all of the letters turned green – except for

“s.” I blinked and looked at my screen. The word was “whack.” I had lost

my first Wordle.

I don’t remember much from what happened after that. Appar-

ently, they had to forklift me out of my chair due to the state of

shock I was in. The world didn’t take the news lightly, the president

declared a national emergency, and my parents kicked me out of

the house. I now work in New York as a busboy, hoping to achieve

stardom again. But I know that stardom will never come back to me

and I am convinced that it was all because of Wordle. That is why I

hate Wordle. I hope that you all will join me and give up Wordle. It is

the necessary solution to world peace.

APRIL 2022 21