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Away and Bar the Door (Traditional, adapted by Raymond Burke) (updated 2010)
One evening near the Martinmas, when night was drawing in. As Geordie combed the golden beard that proudly warmed his chin. He watched his weary wife place fresh made puddings in the pan. And wipe her sweated brow, un-rested since the day began. Then as she finished sweeping up and started folding clothes. He bade her bring him over a stool to rest his tired toes. But as she placed the stool, the wind outside began to sing. Though neither man nor wife could guess what evening’s breeze would bring. The wind so cold blew north and south and east and west and more. So Geordie called out to his wife, “Away and bar the door.” Cries she, “My hands are busy. And at risk of sounding rude. Get up and bar the door yourself. The walk will do you good.” Said he, “Away and bar the door.” And, “Bar the door,” said she. “Away and bar the door yersel. It winnae be barred by me.” Says Geordie, being the kind of man who won’t accept defeat, “I’m sitting here all comfy - you’re already on your feet!” So Kate sat down to face him, folded apron on her knee. “Get off your chair you lazy lout. It won’t be barred by me.” For hours the man and wife did joust with reason and retort. How would they solve the problem of the ‘ferming’ of the ‘porte’? They made a pact between the two, and on the book they swore. The first to make a sound or move, should rise and bar the door. All night they sat determined, but so silent and so still. But neither moved a muscle to betray their spiteful chill. To speak a word or move an inch would let the other win So hours passed, the fire went down and still the draught blew in. Said he, “Away and bar the door.” And, “Bar the door,” said she. “Away and bar the door yersel. It winnae be barred by me.”
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Two gentlemen were passing when the open door they spied. So took it for a welcome as they slowly stepped inside. A barber and a soldier were revealed by their attire. Both rubbed their hands and stamped their feet and eyed the sinking fire. They asked, “Is this a rich man’s house? Or would it be a poor?” But neither Kate nor Geordie spoke for barring of the door. “If you don’t mind, we’ll just come in and hae some meat and drink?” But man and wife would not reply, they would not even blink. The gents with no discouragement then quelled their appetite. They fed themselves on cuts of beef with puddings black and white. So Kate and Geordie sat and watched a sight that made them sore. But not a sound or move was made for barring of the door. Said he, “Away and bar the door.” And, “Bar the door,” said she. “Away and bar the door yersel. It winnae be barred by me.” Then after many cups of ale the visitors did rest. And ventured ways of putting these two statues to the test. The soldier said, “I’d take this lassie outside for a jig.” The barber said, “Yon golden beard would make a bonnie wig.” The soldier then arose, “This is a chance we daren’t miss. So you prepare your cutters, friend. And I’ll prepare a kiss.” The barber made for Geordie, slowly sharpening his knife. And, wiping ale from lips and chin, the soldier faced the wife. Then Geordie started violently and gave a thunderous shout. “I’ll kill you first!” with such a roar, the visitors ran out. The fear it drove them fast and hard though each had had his fill. But Geordie gave them such a fright they’re probably running still. Said he, “Away and bar the door.” And, “Bar the door,” said she. “Away and bar the door yersel. It winnae be barred by me.” Good Kate leapt up in victory, with three skips on the floor. “Ah, Geordie, you’re the first to speak. Get up and bar the door!” The door was barred, the crooks were gone and husband stepped inside. Our Kate she gave the warmest look; all filled with love and pride.
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“Oh, Geordie. Your a hero. For my chastity I feared.” “It wasn’t that, my Kate. I was concerned about my beard.” The wife was quite heart broken and protested in her tears. “Un-bar the door. I’m leaving, after all these dreadful years.” “I’ve washed and cooked and cleaned,” cried Kate, “And always done my best. For twenty years from dawn till dusk, I’ve never had a rest.” “Un-bar the door yourself,” he said. “Your argument’s a farce. You’ve done hee haw the whole night through, but sit upon your arse.” Said he, “Away and bar the door.” And, “Bar the door,” said she. “Away and bar the door yersel. It winnae be barred by me.”