The Emotionally Healthy Church
2012 February 13 – 2012 April 1 sermon series
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CONTENTS a rt i c l e s
pa g e
Series Introduction
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Part 1
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Part 2
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Part 3
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Part 4
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Part 5
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Part 6
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Part 7
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Word of Encouragement
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“And He said to them, Be careful what you are hearing. The measure [of thought and study] you give [to the truth you hear] will be the measure [of virtue and knowledge] that comes back to you--and more [besides] will be given to you who hear.� (Mark 4:24 Amplified Bible)
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The Emotionally Healthy Church: Series Introduction February 10, 2102
Comments on this series from Pastor Bobby Lepinay, Lead Pastor of Harvest Church
This series unpacks what it means to be an emotionally healthy Christian.
BIG IDEA of this series: You cannot be spiritually mature without being emotionally mature as well. Most of us have a spirituality that just kind of scratches the surface of our discipleship, of our walk with the Lord – the top 10 percent, the “iceberg” of our spiritual life. We tend to deal with the 10% that you can see rather than the 90% that is underneath the surface of our lives – but that is where Jesus wants to come in and transform us.
˜ e know, our families W know, those closest to us know, the areas that we struggle with. Dealing with this will revolutionize your life!
Recommended Book: The Emotionally Healthy Church By Peter Scazzero 4
The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 1 2012 February 13
The majority of us go a long way in life without being changed in our emotional life. What you bury doesn’t go away …You may not be able to see it, but it is still there, festering. To become emotionally healthy: Learn how to look beneath the surface of your life. You have to deal with the root in order to be emotionally healthy. We focus on making behavioral changes — but this only deals with the top 10%. David spoke of dealing with the 90% that is unseen. In Psalm 19:11-13 he said, “How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep Your servant from willful sins, that they may not rule over me.” ...David is asking that the Lord cleanse him from a predisposition to sin.
Propensities come up when things aren’t going the way that you want them to go, when things cut across your grain. They come up like a volcano when you get pressed. They then become willful sins. When you repeatedly allow these propensities to come up, then they develop into strongholds. They become strongholds such as anger, fear, rejection, and perversity.
How do we begin to get healed of what is under the surface? There are three keys: 1. Face the fact that usually it takes pain to force us to go under the water with the Holy Spirit and look at these things. 2. To get underneath the surface, we have to develop an awareness of what we are feeling, and learn to ask “Why?”. 3. Learn to fall back on the gospel.
We must deal with the 90% below the surface of our emotions
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It usually takes pain to force us to go under the water with the Holy Spirit to look at what is underneath our surface. Before most of us will begin healing, it usually takes someone that we love making us face the consequences of our actions.
We learn:
We chose to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
— From others — From revelation — From pain (From facing the consequences of our actions)
Hebrews 12:5b-11 “For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening — it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”
Moses had a hot temper. He killed an Egyptian for hurting an Israelite. Then he fled. After 80 years, he still had that temper—He got angry with the people and struck the rock that God had told him to speak to. At that point, God— even though He intensely loved Moses—drew the limit and did not allow Moses to go into the Promised Land.
God is the God of consequences and limits. We see this in His dealings with David. David had an eye for women; God made him face the consequences of what he did with Bathsheba. Unless the line is drawn, we will never face the fact that our behavior is not OK! We will continue to make excuses. We have to do the hard work of going down and dealing with the 90% that is hidden ...We have to deal with our “stuff.” To get underneath the surface, we have to develop an awareness of what we are feeling, and learn to ask “Why?” Many people are frozen emotionally. In order to Jesus fully owned every realm of deal with this, we need to learn how to emotions: He felt anger, grief, and properly process emotions. We need to take sorrow. He acknowledged fear when the time to recognize and process our GodHe said, “My God, my God, why have given emotions. You forsaken me?”
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The four core emotions:
Anger—The warrior. This serves its purpose at the right time and right place.
Sadness – The lover. We feel sadness when someone we love hurts us.
Fear – The protector. We would do some stupid things if it weren’t for fear.
Joy -The child in us. The part of us that laughs wholeheartedly; that dances.
Quote from the book The Emotionally Healthy Church:
“Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God. Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives voice to the heart. However, we often turn a deaf ear through emotional denial, distortion, or outright disengagement. By neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God.”
Own your emotions. Listen to them. Ask yourself “Why?”: “Why am I always in a hurry? Why am I so impatient?” …”Why am I so in need of affirmation?” …”Why do I dread this meeting?” …“Why do I feel compulsion to overeat?”
LEARN TO FALL BACK ON THE GOSPEL. You fully understand the gospel when you see the darkest parts of yourself—come face-toface with the things that you put aside and ignore—and realize that God is still madly in love with you!
The Gospel tells us of the Great Exchange: You are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared to believe, but you are also more accepted and loved than you ever dared to hope.
When you fully realize that you are a mess and utterly broken, then you can fully accept God’s love and what He did for you. You can give up the idea of ever being perfect!
Let God expose the false things in you. Learn to become just “you” before the Lord. Then you will be free! 7
The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 2 2012 February 20 If you are a Christian, when you came to Christ your sins were forgiven. Your spirit was born again. You were made new in the essence of your person. But, the Bible says, we are presently, currently, receiving the goal of our faith – which is the salvation of our soul. God wants us to experience emotions Our soul-life is our emotional …While He was on earth Jesus life, the part of us that experienced the full range of emotions. interacts with the world. It is God also wants us to process our emotions our personality, all that and learn to relate to Him out of them. makes us “us”.
BIG IDEA: You’ve got to learn to break the power of the past! K e y
t h o u g h t
We are not supposed to dwell in the past – but, at least in seasons, we have to be able to navigate down to where we can truly get free from the power of scars from the past.
Too many people are still carrying the pain from their past. Jesus came to bring healing! He came to set the captives free! He wants to set you free from your past.
Your past will affect your present ability to experience the love of Christ. 8
Too many Christians cannot experience the love of Christ because their emotions are all blocked up . Your past will affect your ability to truly receive love from others and give love . People often cannot experience the holy exchange of true love because they are broken and have not begun to be healed of their past. How do we break free from our past (Hint: This is hard work!):
1. Identify the false self/selves that you have created. The main reason that we create false selves is: survival. We want to be accepted and belong. This is supposed to happen in our family; if it doesn’t, we go out into the world and project a self that we believe will be accepted.
We have to present our true self to God in order for Him to relate to us with grace and healing.
God loves you – even in those parts of you that you feel are unlovable. He wants to know you; He wants you to relate to Him out of authenticity.
Symptoms of a False Self: -- I say “Yes” when I really mean “No” -- I get depressed when people are upset with me -- I need approval from others to feel good about myself -- I often remain silent to “keep the peace” -- I believe that if I make mistakes, I myself am a failure -- I criticize others in order to feel good about myself -- I avoid looking weak or foolish or stupid for what others think -- I have to be doing something exceptional to feel alive -- I am fearful and can’t take risks --I want my kids to behave well so others won’t think bad of me -- I am always rushing and addicted to busyness 9
2. Identify how your family of origin shapes you. In order to do this, there are two things that we must do: A. Identify the family rules that you grew up with …Homework: What were your (spoken and unspoken) family rules? Look at whether or not you are free from these or still codependent on your family because of them. B. Identify Generational Issues. What “ Generational Weaknesses/Sins” were passed down? Exodus 20:5-6: “The sins of the parents are laid upon the children; the entire family is affected – even children in the third and forth generations of those who reject Me. But I lavish love upon those who love Me and obey My commands.”
We see from the life of Abraham that our sins affect our children. He lied about Sarah being his wife; Isaac in turn did the same about his wife. Abraham had a child with his concubine; the results of that sin spread through his family line and led to hatred between his sons; this dysfunction spread down to Joseph’s brothers hating him in his generation.
Your past will affect the future! 3. Allow yourself to be re-parented by the Holy Spirit. He will set you free from your past if you let Him!
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The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 3 2012 March 6 Main premise of this series: You cannot separate spiritual maturity from emotional maturity. Often we can have a lot of emotionally immature things underneath the surface; these will come up in our actions. People can be 50, 60, or even 70 years old and still emotionally be stunted to the teenage years. People can tithe and go to church – do all of the outward spiritual things – but still be catty, have a bad attitude, be jealous or prideful, etc. Having emotional maturity and spiritual maturity is a journey; it takes time. We have to be patient with ourselves and patient with each other. It is not going to happen overnight.
To become an emotionally mature adult: ▪You have to be aware of what is underneath your surface: your motivations, your feelings, etc. ▪ You have to begin to break the power of the past. Your past will always be part of you – but there has to come a time when you really reckon with how your family of origin has influenced you, and break the power of inherited patterns. ▪ Learn to live in brokenness and vulnerability. “Brokenness” is intrinsically tied to the stages of your life: ▪ Stage 1: Life-changing awareness of God ▪ Stage 2: Discipleship (Learning) ▪ Stage 3: The Active Life (Serving) THE WALL ▪ Stage 4: Journey Inward ▪ Stage 5: Journey Outward ▪ Stage 6: Transformed Into Love Learning to live in brokenness involves: A. Developing a theology of weakness. • Leave room for weakness in your theology. In reality, weakness is part of the equation. B. Getting honest about where you really are. • The closer you get to God, the more that you walk in the light, the more that light exposes any darkness in you. C. Following the Prodigal Son as your model • If you are living in the far country, God is waiting for you to return to Him!
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The stages of life: ▪ Stage 1: Life-changing awareness of God We become marvelously aware of the grace of God and the salvation Jesus offers us ▪ Stage 2: Discipleship (Learning) We absorb all that we can. We listen to sermons again and again, reading everything we can get about the Bible. ▪ Stage 3: The Active Life (Serving) This is usually about 6 or 7 years into the Christian life. You start doing something, serving in a ministry.
THE WALL Quote from The Emotionally Healthy Church: “For most of us, the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world as we know it upside down. It comes through, perhaps, a divorce, a job loss, the death of a close friend or family member, a cancer diagnosis, a disillusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled, a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God. It is marked by this: We question ourselves; we question God; we question the church. We discover for the very first time that our faith does not seem to be working. We have more questions than answers. The very foundation of our faith feels as if it is on the line. We don’t know where God is, what He’s doing, where He’s going, how He’s going to get us there, or when all this will be over.”
▪ Stage 4: Journey Inward This stage is marked by opting out of church altogether. or running from the “institutional” church to the “house” church. It is marked by people looking for “real” relationships and “real” church. This is usually a 3 – 5 year period. ▪ Stage 5: Journey Outward We try to do something significant. We turn back to the local church because it is where most people are saved; (house churches are mostly “us 4 and no more”). We try to build church with relational integrity. Hope becomes alive again. ▪ Stage 6: Transformed Into Love God’s focus is transforming us into love, to conform us into the image of the Son that He loves. We are becoming like Christ. Love is the essence of 12 brokenness.
Learning to live in brokenness involves developing a theology of weakness. ►All too often, our theology does not leave room for weakness. ► In reality, weakness is part of the equation; you do not have to have it all together with the “perfect” family or life. ► It is tragic that we have no room for people to honestly admit their humanness and weakness. This leads to us being very unreal; we are unable to be real people. Quote from The Emotionally Healthy Church: “After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, God lovingly pursued them and made a way for them to come back to Him and to one another. God goes out looking for them, walking in the Garden in the cool of the day. He provides them with clothes to cover their shame. He promises that one day He will overcome the serpent, whose lies they have believed. But, because of the fall, God also builds the curse of thorns and thistles into the fabric of life as we know it -- even today (Genesis 3:18). God explains how all of life from that point forward will be painful, difficult, and frustrating. He breaks the curse down into two primary areas: Our relationships and our work (Genesis 3:16 – 19). Relationships, God says, will now be marked by pain and misunderstandings. We will be disappointed with people in our marriages, families, churches, and workplaces. Intimacy will be replaced with manipulation, power struggles, put-downs, seductions, defensiveness, and the withholding of relationship; loneliness will reign. Regarding our labors, we may have been built to engage this earth and to work – but now frustration and failure will be our lot. In essence, the ground will be hard. Thorns and thistles will mark our work. We may reach our goals and accomplish things, but we will never in this life feel completely satisfied in our work. A sense of restlessness and incompleteness will always accompany our work on earth. In this life all symphonies remain unfinished. Why does God do this? He releases the curse in order to drive us to our knees and to seek Him; to recognizing our continual need for a Savior. The problem is, instead of being broken by the thorns and thistles of life, and us running to Christ continually, we tend to react in one of three ways …”: The Three Ways that We Tend to React to the Thorns and Thistles of Life: 1) We flee – We flee to addictions. We flee to illicit relationships. We dive into work and become a workaholic. 2) We fight. We get angry and bitter. 3) We hide. Those who are passiveaggressive do this. They isolate themselves.
God wants us to embrace the thorns and thistles and let them drive us to our knees so we will be dependent on Him.
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In 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, Paul wanted the pain removed. He said, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take this thorn away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weaknesses.’
“Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. “Now I take limitations in stride, these limitations that cut me down to size – difficulties, accidents, opposition, bad breaks, hardship. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I actually become.”
Let the thorns and thistles do their work of driving you to your Savior!
Learning to live in brokenness involves getting honest with where you really are. The closer you get to God, the more that you walk in the light, the more that light exposes any darkness in you.
In Galatians 2:6, written in AD 49, after being a Christian for 14 years, Paul writes about the other apostles this way: “As for those who were held in high esteem – whatever they were makes no difference to me.” He appears proud and headstrong.
Six years later, in AD 55, Paul writes to the Corinthians in a more humble manner: “I am the least of the apostles.” (1 Corinthians 15:9)
Five years later, in AD 60 and 25 years after becoming a Christian, Paul proclaims, “I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people.” (Ephesians 3:8)
Finally, two years before his death and perhaps after walking with Christ for 36 years, Paul is able to see clearly, “I am the worst of all sinners.” (I Timothy 1:15)
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Learning to live in brokenness involves following the Prodigal Son as your model He came to his senses, which is the beginning of brokenness. He said, “I am going back to my father’s house.”
If you are living in the far country, God is waiting for you to return to Him!
You may be living as the Prodigal Son – or you may slip into “Elder Brother” mode: If you are living in “Elder brother” mode, you take joy in others falling because you think that it makes you look better. Watch, and beware of living in “Elder brother” mode. I am in “Older Brother” mode when: ► I get depressed and defensive when someone graciously corrects me. ► I get caught up in games, manipulations, self-delusions, power struggles, and distortions – and forget the voice of the Father that says to me, “You are My son/daughter whom I love.” ► I find myself envying other people’s success ► I feel threatened when my views are challenged; I try to defend myself instead of saying, “You’ve given me some good things to think about; you may be right.” Take-Aways:
Getting to healing requires going through the tunnel of chaos
God wants us to run to Him!
Like the Prodigal Son, allow everything that happens to you to drive you to God.
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The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 4 2012 March 11 God deals with us : body, soul, and spirit. All of us have a chronological maturity (age). We likewise have a mental maturity. The missing element in the world-wide church is dealing with our emotional maturity. The three ages do not always match …our physical, mental, and emotional levels of maturity can all be different!
Emotionally, many people are stuck in their teenage years. They stopped growing emotionally into an emotional adult during that time. The Bible addresses this issue in saying, “When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child; I reasoned like a child. Now that I am an adult, I am done with childish ways.”
Make that your confession: “I am done with childish ways!” Get brutally honest with where you are! Evaluate your level of emotional maturity in order that you may develop. The four levels of emotional maturity are: Emotional infant ■They look for others to take care of them. They are needy. They have emotional temper tantrums when their needs are not met. They have great difficulty entering in to the world of others. They are so focused on their own world that they can’t see the needs of others. They lack empathy. ■They have a need for instant gratification. They take short-cuts. ■They use others as objects to meet their needs (objectification). They talk to people as if they are less than human beings. The treat people as an “it.” They say whatever they are thinking & feeling without regard for others. They do what they want and then are sorry later.
Emotional child ■They are happy and content as long as they get what they want. They are moody based on how their life is going, whether their circumstances are favorable or unfavorable. ■They unravel quickly from stress, disappointment, and trials. They are inwardly emotionally weak. ■They interpret disagreements as personal offenses. They are easily hurt and take things personally. ■When they don’t get their way, they complain, withdraw, manipulate, take revenge, blame, and become sarcastic (playground tactics). ■They have great difficulty discussing their needs and wants in a mature, loving way. ■Emotional children have difficulty focusing and paying attention. They are impatient. 16
Emotional adolescent ■They tend to be defensive. They are threatened and alarmed by criticism. ■ They keep score of what they give so they can ask for something later in return. ■ They deal with conflict poorly – often blaming, appeasing, going to a third party (triangulating), pouting, or ignoring the issue entirely. ■ They become preoccupied with themselves. It is all about them. ■ They have great difficulty truly listening to another person’s pain, disappointment, or need. They lack empathy. ■ They are critical and judgmental. Emotional adulthood ■ Emotional adults have the ability to ask for what they need, want, & prefer clearly, directly, and honest without being emotive. ■ An emotional adult manages and takes responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts & feeling of others. ■ They can, when under stress, state their own thoughts and beliefs without being adversarial. ■ They respect others without having to change the other person. ■ They give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect. They don’t have to be judgmental and criticize. They do not vilify others. ■ They appreciate people for who they are: the good, the bad, and the ugly; not just for what they can give back. ■ They accurately assess their own limitations; they accurately assess their strengths and weaknesses – and are able to discuss them with others. ■ They are deeply in tune with their own emotional world and able to enter into the feelings, needs, and concerns of others without losing themselves. They are able to meet others needs without having to take them as their own and be responsible for them. ■ They have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and to negotiate solutions that include the perspective of the other person. God calls us to grow in these areas! He calls us to become like Jesus! God calls us to do the task of moving from emotional infancy to emotional adulthood. He doesn’t want us to take shortcuts. He calls us to not make excuses.
Receive the gift of limits and boundaries. 17
Identify whether you have good boundaries or poor boundaries: ■ Do you try to do it all, to be Superman? Are you always trying to save the world? ■ Can you regularly say “No” rather than overextending yourself? ■ Is it easy for you to distinguish when to help someone carry their burden and when to let it go so they can carry their own burden? ■ Are you good at balancing work, family, rest, and play in a Biblical way? Do you honor a Sabbath as a day of rest? Do you regularly let your mind replenish your soul? ■ Do you have a good sense of your emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual capacities? Can you intentionally pull back to rest and fill your tank up again? Quote from Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud: “Boundaries, in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit; a border. In a psychological sense, boundaries are the realization of our own person apart from others. This sense of separateness forms the basis of personal identity. It says what we are and what we are not, what we will choose and what we will not choose, what we will endure and what we will not endure, what we feel and what we will not feel, what we like and what we do not like, what we want and what we do not want. Boundaries, in short, define us in the same way that a physical boundary line defines where a property line begins and ends. A psychological and spiritual boundary defines who we are and who we are not.”
You can put it this way: It is your will; it is the walls of your personality. Many people have a broken-down will; so people can pretty much just do what they want with them …people can manipulate them, people can control them. God calls us – in His image – to have a strong sense of will. How do we develop better limits, better boundaries: 1. Recognize that even Jesus knew His limits (Matthew 4 – Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After He fasted 40 days, He was hungry. During that time the devil came and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” Jesus didn’t do it; He limited Himself to what we experience as humans. Then the devil took Him to the highest point of the Temple in Jerusalem and said, “If You are the Son of God, jump off!” Jesus didn’t do it – He knew His limitation. Next, the devil took Him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory, and said, “I will give these to You if You kneel down worship me.” The devil was trying to get Jesus out of living His life as a human being, to take a shortcut. However, Jesus allowed Himself the limitations of humanity.) 2. Learn to own your own limitations. It is a lie that you can do whatever you set your mind to, whatever you want to do. You are limited! You are good at some things and not good at others. 18
How do you discover and own your limitations?” 1. Look at your personality. Learn to celebrate it! Ephesians 2:10 – We are God’s workmanship. 2. Look at your season of life. Celebrate where you are at now! Look at your life-situation: There are physical seasons, financial seasons, etc. 3. Look at your emotional, physical, and intellectual capacities. Look at your gifts – embrace and own them. 4. Look at your difficult emotions. Use them as gauges. They tell you what you are not called to do. They help prevent you from enabling bad behavior and keeping people from learning by experiencing the consequences of their own actions and choices.
Respect the boundaries of others. Develop a Bill of Rights that spells out boundaries for yourself and others. ●”Respect” means I give myself and others the right to space and privacy. ● Give each other the right to be different. Allow each other different preferences and likes. Give others the right to disagree. ● Give others the right to be heard. Listen to each other’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and wants. ● Give others the right to be taken seriously; fully listen to them. ● Kill assumptions. Give others the benefit of a doubt when misunderstandings arise. ● Give each other the right to tell the truth – to answer directly and honestly even when it is not what you want to hear. ● Give others the right to be consulted when your decisions will affect the other person. ● Give others the right to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to forget things, to break things without you getting all “bent out of shape.” Realize that mistakes happen. ● Give each other the right to be treated courteously and honorably.
Watch God work through your limitations! Focus on this: God is not limited by my limitations! We see this all through the Bible: ● Sarah was 90 and Abraham was “as good as dead” – yet God made them a mother and father to many nations. ● Elijah and Jeremiah were both prone to depression – yet both were mightily used by God. ● Timothy was fearful and timid, an introvert by nature – yet he was used to pastor a large & difficult church in Ephesus. ● Moses struggled with bursts of anger – yet God used him to deliver his people out of Egyptian slavery. ● Paul had a continual thorn in his flesh – yet God used him to spread the Gospel throughout the world in his time, as well as to write the majority of the New Testament. God has limits and boundaries, as seen when Moses had a burst of anger and misrepresented God. God told him that the consequence was that Moses would not enter the Promised Land. God gives us time to change – but He does require that 19 we change.
The bottom line is that God delights to use us through our weaknesses. We are deeply flawed & broken – more than we realize; yet we are more loved and more cherished by God than we realize …the good parts as well as the bad parts of ourselves. That’s the Gospel: We don’t have to earn it anymore. God loves you just as you are, yet He will change you from glory to glory into his image! We are incredibly loved by God even though we are incredibly broken. Be encouraged! Have hope as you are going through the process of maturing and being changed from glory to glory!
2012 March 6 word from a Harvest Church intercessor:
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The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 5 2012 March 18
Embracing Grieving and Loss BIG IDEA
If you don’t deal with grief, it will lead to a lifetime of unhealthy emotions.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” ►Internalize this Scripture!
Common Defenses to Grieving: Denial Blaming Others Rationalizing Distracting Minimizing Blaming Yourself Intellectualizing Becoming Hostile Spiritualizing (“It must be God’s will”)
We all deal with loss all the time. · Often we have relationships that die. For instance, many people have to deal with the loss of their marriage — in fact, 50% of marriages end in divorce. · People lose jobs. · Etc.
The most important thing that we can learn through the life-event of loss: God is there!
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You need to go back and deal with losses that you have not yet dealt with ... They may be the root of problems that you are having today!
3 Principles for Biblical Grieving: 1. Grieve intentionally (knowing that it is important). · Look at examples of people in the Bible who grieved: — David & Jonathan (2 Samuel 1:1— 2:7) — Jesus & Lazarus (John 11:1-44) — Joseph & his brothers (Genesis 50:15-21) · Get in touch with what is inside you. · You can have faith that good will come out of your situation, but you still have to deal with the grief that it caused you. · Divorce is the death of a living relationship. If you have experienced divorce, it must be dealt with by intentional grieving. · Do something specific to deal with grief! · Set aside a season to intentionally and with purpose grieve your loss.
2. Grieve patiently (knowing that an end will come). · Look at Romans 12:12—”Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” · Realize that the decomposition process prepares the environment for something good to grow. The grieving process is preparing you for something good! 3. Grieve expectantly (knowing that the Old always births the New). · Look at John 12:24—”I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed; but if it dies, it produces many seeds.”
Learn and practice the proper way to grieve. Apply it to losses in your past, losses in your present, and losses that you will experience in your future!
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The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 6 2012 March 25
Big Idea You cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature!
It Is “grow-up” tIme!
I Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become an adult, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.” Listen to your inner talk: Is it mature or childish? Die to childish ways!
CHANGE = TRUTH + GRACE + TIME LEARN TO LOVE WELL: Love = Respect and honor.
3 Skills We Need to Learn (These will lead to a largely drama-free life): 1. Cease making assumptions Luke 6:37—”Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” ■ We believe our assumptions are true, then we erroneously act on them. ■ Judge = Krinos = Make an assumption about another. ■ Learn to ask questions ...not “loaded” questions, but sincere ones. ■ If you are going to make assumptions, assume that you don’t fully understand ...Assume that your assumption is wrong!
2. Do not take things personally. Nothing that other people do is because of you ...It is because of them! John 7:24—”Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” I can build up immunity to the “poison” in others: · I realize that not everyone is going to like me · I don’t have to defend myself · I don’t have to win or be right · I know who I am and don’t need approval. I have God’s approval ...I don’t need anyone else’s!
3. Practice speaking clearly and listening fully. James 1:19— ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters. You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Love is translated into respect and honor—so treat others with respect and honor. Everything happens in how we communicate. People don’t care how you feel about them; they care about how you treat them! 23
Everything happens in how we communicate
When you are the speaker … 1. Speak using “I” statements rather than “you” statements (the latter indicates blame). 2. Keep your statements brief and on the topic at hand. 3. Stop to let the other person paraphrase what you’ve said. 4. Include feelings in your statements. 5. Be honest, clear, direct, and respectful.
When you are the listener … 1. Give the speaker your full attention, not thinking about your rebuttal. 2. Step into the speaker’s shoes; feel what they are feeling; and then get back into your own skin. 3. Avoid making assumptions or interpreting— instead, reflect back as accurately as you can what you heard them say (paraphrase it). 4. When you think they are done, ask them, “Is there more?” 5. When they are done, ask them, “Of everything you have shared, what is the most important thing you want me to get?”
You are succeeding when you can say … 1. “I can see how you would see it that way ...even though I don’t fully agree.” 2. “From your perspective that makes sense.” 3. “I can understand that.” 4. “That makes sense. Thanks for telling me how you feel.”
Ultimately, to love well requires humility. In order to have this humility, apply the Cross to your life. The more the Cross is applied in our lives, the more we experience the power of the Resurrection!
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The Emotionally Healthy Church,
Part 7 2012 April 1
Living with integrity Integrity is the way that you build your life — internally and externally. Antonym: The opposite of integrity is disintegration. To disintegrate is to break apart.
BIG IDEA: The promise of destiny is our most powerful motivation to live well and be healthy.
Abraham is an Example: Genesis 12:1-5
“Leave your country, your relatives, and your father’s home, and go to a land that I am going to show you. I will give you many descendants, and they will become a great nation. I will bless you and make your name famous, so that you will be a blessing.”
The Promise to Abram (his “hope”) was alive within him. ■ He heard from God about it again and again. (God spoke to Abraham about it in Genesis 13:14-17;15:57; 17:1-22; and 22:1618.) ■ KEY IDEA: God was speaking and Abram was listening!
Abraham’s integrity was revealed in three ways: 1. Undying Hope (internal) in God’s promised future (destiny) 2. Steadfast Faith (internal) in God’s ability to make it happen. 3. Consistent Obedience (external) to God’s commands.
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At the core of living with integrity are only three things: 1. My HOPE in God’s promised future, His destiny for my life.
2. FAITH that He will bring it to pass.
3. OBEDIENCE to God in everything.
THREE ESSENTIALS TO BUILDLING AND MAINTAINING A LIFE OF INTEGRITY: Integrity is about TRANSPARENCY ● Openness, honesty, living with nothing hidden Integrity involves BOUNDARIES ●Saying “Yes” to some things, “No” to others Integrity is about BALANCE ● Maintaining harmony between our internal and external life
Position your life to listen to and obey God! Order your life so that you hear God!
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Note of Encouragement 2012 March 6
Exhortation from Pastor Roger Hirth: “How great and how mighty Christ is to touch you where you are, whatever needs you have, so you can understand the love of God and reach the world. …When you come to a place in your life where you understand the all-sufficiency of God, amazing things are going to happen in your life. God is going to take you and use you; He is going to give you the right words; He is going to place you in the right situations; He is going to open doors that you have never seen in your life because you understand the greatness of God and His faithfulness to you. “I’m going to read you some words given to me several weeks ago by Terry Strickland when I needed them: ‘The devil cannot just walk right up to you and rob you of your health, your peace, or your family. He cannot just come in to your life to enforce disease or distraction. If the devil can do that, then he does not have to go about seeking whom he may devour. He only has to walk straight up to anyone he wants and devour them. Since the Bible says that he goes about seeking those whom he may devour, then the truth is that there are people whom he cannot devour.’
“The devil goes about like a roaring lion trying to stir up fear in people with his roars. The people who are not devourable are those who refuse to be intimidated by his roars because they know that the true Lion of Judah – Jesus Christ - has already come and rendered powerless him who had the power of death! They know that the devil cannot just do anything to them because the Lion of Judah resides in them and He is greater than the devil who is in the world. “My friend the Lion of Judah is in you. He has given you rights, privileges, authority, and power. He redeemed you with His blood …therefore everything about you in your life is redeemed by His blood. So if you are fearful about losing your job, you cover it by the blood of Jesus. If you are worried about your children’s safety, plead the blood of Jesus over them. If you have received a bad report from the doctor, speak the blood over yourself. Whatever you have covered with the blood of Jesus, God declares protected and redeemed. The devil flees when he sees the blood – and when he flees, he takes with him sickness; he takes disease; he takes pain, suffering, destruction, and loss. Once the devil knows that you know who you are in Christ and what you have in Him, his days of intimidating you are over – and you have been numbered among the undevorable.
“Everything about you in your life is redeemed by the blood of Jesus.”
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Be Blessed!
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