The Evolving Woman Spring 2022 Edition

Dear Aunt Mae,

I am a 34-year-old single mother of three. My youngest child’s father is not the same as my older two. He is a kind, smart, hard-working man. We have been together for three years and I love the fact that he has accepted all my children as his. We are hoping to get married in Summer 2023 but there is a little thought in the back of my mind that I simply can’t shake. Last year when I celebrated my 33rd birthday after we had partied earlier that night, he became very physically abusive. While this was the first time he hit me in the face, there were two other occasions he pushed me against the wall and said some extremely hurtful things. I know that he loves me because he treats me like a queen, and he provides for all my needs, but I am a little afraid that once we get married his behavior towards me might change. Do you have any advice for me?

Dear Single Queen,

Your love story appears to have traces of verbal and physical abuse. Many would call these RED FLAGS and urge you to run. If only matters of the heart are less complicated. You mentioned that there is “a little thought in the back of my mind”. This little thought my dear, may just be your woman’s intuition reminding you that these infrequent occurrences need not be easily dismissed. I am sure it feels great to be loved by a man who is providing for you, but this does not mean you should silence your inner conscience for peace’s sake. Abuse usually starts out infrequent and small, but they can often lead to a very toxic relationship and tragic end.

While no relationship is perfect, abuse on any level should not be tolerated. Marriage should not be entered lightly especially with someone who has already demonstrated abusive traits. Here are a few questions I want to leave you with as you ponder your next steps in your relationship.

• Why can’t I shake those pastimes of physical or verbal abuse?

• Is this the life I want?

• Do I want to raise my children in an abusive home?

• What other behaviors have I ignored or accepted?

• What is the ideal relationship for me? Does it include abuse?

• How would I feel if my children are affected years from now by the abuse in their home?

• How do I feel about the possibility that he may abuse my children?

• What resources are available to me now if I were to walk away from this relationship?

• Is there a possibility that a better relationship free of abuse is out there for me?

• Do I deserve better?

I trust that in answering the questions above you gain better clarity on your next steps but if it were me, I would be running in the next direction. The kind of love Aunty Mae wants doesn’t include any levels of abuse.

All the best to you queen!