Stoner’s guide to New Year’s resolutions

weed-related holiday cards, we also wondered what else was out there that was stoner holiday related. Here’s what we dug up. Christmas day for someone to spot it and then watch the fireworks go off.

You can find this amazing ornament online at Holy Smokes Glass Ornaments.

Holy Smokes ornaments

One of my favorite holidaze gifts we have found is a Jesus Christmas tree ornament from CrankCakesShop on Etsy. It features a bust of Jesus smoking a joint, with a scroll across the bottom that says “Holy Smokes.”

This is the perfect thing to gift yourself and stick on the tree to piss off that super-conservative aunt who pushes her bogus form of religion on you every time you see her. It would also make a great secret Santa gift for that same aunt’s Christmas tree.

Or, maybe just buy it and throw it on her tree, but don’t tell anyone what you’ve done. Wait til after dinner on Christmas stoner box

We all have those friends who are missing something when you show up to their place to get stoned. They don’t have papers, or their lighter doesn’t work, so you have to light the joint on the stove and run outside, so you don’t stink up the apartment.

Well, BoxItForward on Etsy has a small Christmas box that covers all their stoner needs. The box features a plastic grinder, an ashtray, lighters, papers, blunt tubes, and a smell-proof bag to keep curious noses at bay.

The box itself is pretty awesome too. It says, “Special Delivery from the North Pole Express Direct from Santa’s Workshop.” This is a basic first aid kit for stoners, and everyone should have one in their cabinet.

Snarky holiday stoner shirts

We also found some excellent apparel that you can wear to your family’s Christmas get-together without drawing too much attention. Your grandma will probably even tell you that she thinks your shirt is cute because it looks like a super festive holiday shirt.

Take, for example, the shirt we found, which says, “Weed Wish You a Merry Christmas.” It is framed by hidden pot leaves amongst the holly and two burning joints.

Weed Wish You a Merry Christmas Shirt

There’s also a sweatshirt your mom will love, but she probably won’t understand its real meaning. This festive-looking sweatshirt features gingerbread men and says, “Let’s Get Baked.”

Wear it and chances are your mom and grandma will think you recently got into baking, but we all know what kind of baking you’re really into: the kind that you did before you drove over to meet your family.

Let’s Get Baked Sweatshirt

So what’s the moral of the story here? It’s fun to find gifts for your friends or yourself to cause a little trouble at dinner. Hell, we’d probably just get the “Let’s Get Baked” sweatshirts for our mom and grandma. We know they’d wear it and probably be oblivious to the messaging.

» It’s time to get serious about self-improvements in 2023 (or at least learn how to roll a dang joint, Napoleon!)

It’s almost that time of year again. Whether or not you want to, you’re about to start hearing from all the annoying people you know about their dang New Year’s resolutions. And what’s worse is that you’ll be expected to reciprocate with your own New Year’s resolutions, which you never actually follow through on. It’s a thing, you know. But this year, maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe instead of mocking them for not following through with their unrealistic ideas (and then feeling terrible about your own lack of follow-through), you can create a list of realistic stoner resolutions that you can actually follow through with instead. Wild idea, huh. And not only will that prove you’re on top of things, but you get to be the annoying person for once who’s badgering everyone else about THEIR resolutions! It’s a win-win.

Resolution #1: Rolling the perfect joint

This one seems like smoking weed 101, but it’s not. Rolling joints is hard, and there’s a good chance that the joints you’re rolling are pretty lopsided and lame. In fact, we’re guilty of rolling pretty terrible joints ourselves. Somehow all we can roll are cones.

So why not spend the coming year learning how to roll the best joints possible? Maybe with enough practice, you can be one of those people who can roll an incredible one-handed joint. This is a super cheap resolution (a whole lot cheaper than a gym membership, anyway), and it’s one that you can work on while watching TV. Just buy a pack of papers, roll, and repeat.

Use the same weed for every practice joint, and when you get to your last paper, and hopefully your best joint, you can reward yourself by sparking it up.

The only downside to being an excellent joint roller is you become a target to roll all the joints for your lazy-ass friends. They’ll hit you with the old “but you roll them better than I can” business. Maybe this is a good one to keep to yourself so you won’t be the one in your friend group that rolls up joints that look like the perfect pre-rolled joints at your favorite dispensary. Resolution #2: Create the best playlist for getting ripped

Music is powerful. Music is a drug. So why not combine music and weed with a perfectly curated playlist to take you on that journey?

It’s never fun having to hunt for one song after another when you’re stoned, especially when you’re just trying to enjoy yourself. So, if you take the time to make a playlist that includes all your favorites will help make your ride so much more relaxed and fun.

If you are smoking an indica, create a playlist that’s a little slower, one that lets you sink into the couch or that super comfy chair in the living room.

If you’re smoking a sativa, create an upbeat playlist that makes you want to move around and get stuff done.

And, feel free to get crafty with it if