AskRachel Not so sweet dill & deep thoughts

Interesting fact: The greatest snow depth ever recorded in the USA was 451 inches in Tamarack, Calif. I’m sure they got more cumulative snowfall, but the cold undoubtedly made it shrink like a sour gherkin.

Dear Rachel,

The Durango Mall is almost vacant. Sears just closed, and there are many empty stores. So sad for Durango. I know you have rich friends in Durango, how about asking them to have a pool hall in a vacant store. Oh, I mean a pickle ball hall. Pool is for old rock and roll beer drinkers. Just have to paint some lines, get some portable nets and poles, and call it Durango Sweet Pickle Fitness. Heck people pay to workout, why not pickle ball? Parking and noise would be no big deal. Your thoughts on this, sweet dill or no?

– Kosher Dill

Dear Completely Non-Kosher, Are you jerkin’ my gherkin? If you put “Sweet Pickle Fitness” on a sign in an abandoned storefront, folks are going to presume you’re offering a whole other kind of service for both pickles and balls. Frankly, that’s probably a lot more profitable. While there is still an injury risk with any aerobic activity, one has a much, much lower chance of blowing one’s knees out. You want your customers to SAY they can barely walk, but to not mean it.

– Bread and butter, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Here I thought we had a good winter, but I’m seeing news of places with 600-700 inches of snow. That would bury every building we got in Durango with like two stories to spare. When you posthole in that much snow, do you ever come out again? Will the next Lucy to be discovered in 20,000 years be some poor kid on vacation in California who took off his snowshoes for a second?

– Snowed Out

Dear White Christmas,

What I’ve really wanted to do when I see pictures of buried ski lifts and whatnot is to drop various hot objects and see how far down they sink before cooling off. Fireplace coals. An iron on cotton setting.

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Sometimes, I give you suggestions that may, if you carry them out, jostle your routines and fluster your allies. But after trying out the new approaches for a short time, you may chicken out and revert to old habits. That’s understandable! It can be difficult to change your life. Here’s an example. What if I encourage you to cancel your appointments and wander out into the wilderness to discuss your dreams with the birds? Will you actually follow through with brave practical actions that transform your relationship with your deepest longings?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have done all you can for now to resolve and expunge stale, messy karma – some of which was left over from the old days and old ways. There may come a time in the future when you will have more cleansing to do, but you have now earned the right to be as free from your past and as free from your conditioning as you have ever been. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you still need to spend a bit more time resolving and expunging stale, messy karma. But you’re almost done!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Businessman Robert Bigelow hopes to eventually begin renting luxurious rooms in space. For $1.7 million per night, travelers will enjoy accommodations he provides on his orbiting hotel, 200 miles above the Earth’s surface. Are you interested? I bet more Geminis will be signing up for this exotic trip than any other sign. You’re likely to be the journeyers most excited by the prospect of sailing along at 17,000 miles per hour and witnessing 16 sunsets and sunrises every 24 hours. APRIL FOOL! In fact, you Geminis are quite capable of getting the extreme variety you crave and need right here on the planet’s surface.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The coming weeks will be a favorable time for you to become the overlord of your own fiefdom, or seize control of a new territory and declare yourself chieftain, or overthrow the local hierarchy and install yourself as the sovereign ruler of all you survey. APRIL FOOL! I was metaphorically exaggerating a bit – but just a bit. I do in fact believe now is an excellent phase to increase your clout, boost your influence and express your leadership. Be as kind you can be, of course, but also be rousingly mighty and fervent.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In his poem “The Something,” Charles Simic writes, “Here come my night thoughts on crutches, returning from studying the heavens. What they thought about stayed the same. Stayed immense and incomprehensible.” According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you Leos will have much the same experience in the coming weeks. So there’s no use in even hoping or trying to expand your vision. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will not have Simic’s experience. Just the opposite. When your night thoughts return from studying the heavens, they will be full of exuberant, inspiring energy.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If there will ever come a time when you will find a gold bullion bar on the ground while strolling around town, it will be soon. Similarly, if you are destined to buy a winning $10 million lottery ticket or inherit a diamond mine in Botswana, that blessing will arrive soon. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a bit. The truth is, I suspect you are now extra likely to attract new resources and benefits, though not on the scale of gold bullion, lottery winnings and diamond mines.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Do you have a muse, Libra? In my opinion, all of us need and deserve at least one muse, even if we’re not creative artists. A muse can be a spirit or hero or ally who inspires us, no matter what work and play we do. A muse may call our attention to important truths we are ignoring or point us in the direction of exciting future possibilities. According to my astrological analysis, you are now due for a muse upgrade. If you don’t have one, get one – or even more. If you already have a relationship with a muse, ask more from it. Nurture it. Take it to the next level.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Dear Valued Employee: Our records show you haven’t used any vacation time over the past 100 years. As you know, workers get three weeks of paid leave per year or else receive pay in lieu of time off. One added week is granted for every five years of service. So please, sometime soon, either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office, and your next paycheck will reflect payment of $8,277,432, including pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was an exaggeration. But there is a grain of truth in it. The coming weeks should bring you a nice surprise or two concerning your job.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarian poet and artist William Blake (1757–1827) was a hard-working visionary prophet with an extravagant imagination. His contemporaries considered him a freaky eccentric, though today we regard him as a genius. I invite you to enjoy your own personal version of a Blake-like phase in the coming weeks. It’s a perfect time to dynamically explore your idiosyncratic inclinations and creative potentials. But you don’t necessarily need to be a freaky eccentric to honor your deepest, most authentic truths and longings.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some of my friends disapprove of cosmetic surgery. I remind them that many cultures throughout history have engaged in body modification. In parts of Africa and Borneo, for example, people stretch their ears. Anyway, Capricorn, this is my way of letting you know that the coming weeks would be a favorable time to change your body. APRIL FOOL! It’s not my place to advise you about whether and how to reshape your body. Instead, my job is to encourage you to deepen and refine how your mind understands and treats your body.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I invite you to make a big change. I believe it’s crucial if you hope to place yourself in maximum alignment with current cosmic rhythms. Here’s my idea: Start calling yourself by the name “Genius.” You could even use it instead of the first name you have used all these years. Tell everyone that from now on, they should address you as “Genius.” APRIL FOOL! I don’t really think you should make the switch to Genius. But I do believe you will be extra smart and ultra-wise in the coming weeks, so it wouldn’t be totally outrageous to refer to yourself as “Genius.”

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your body comprises 30 trillion human cells and 39 trillion microbial cells, including the bacteria that live within you. And in my astrological estimation, those 69 trillion life forms are vibrating in sweet harmony with all the money in the world. Amazing! Because of this remarkable alignment, you now have the potential to get richer quicker. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a bit. But I do believe you now have extra ability to prime your cash flow.

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com.

Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

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KDUR is Celebrating 50 years of broadcasting in 2025. With that anniversary fast approaching, staff is on the hunt for past DJs. Maybe you did a show for one year, maybe you did a show for 10. However long that was, hopefully you have a fond memory, a story or maybe even some recorded material! If you do, please email station manager Bryant Liggett, Liggett_b@fort lewis.edu or call 970.247.7261

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Found Oakley sunglasses at dog park. Describe model and color/lens. 970-570-7593

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Classes/Workshops

Improve Your Handwriting!

Visit www.LetsLetterTogether.com or take in-person classes at The ArtRoom at the Smiley Building, Studio #11, 1309 E. Third Avenue, Durango

West Coast Swing Dance

6-week class starts April 12. Learn the basics of West Coast Swing. Registration is required at www.westslope westies.com

HelpWanted

Bookseller - Maria’s Bookshop

Now hiring avid readers for FT & PT bookselling positions. Must enjoy some evening & weekend shifts. Applications available in-store and at mariasbook shop.com. Open until filled.

Lecturer, Department of Mathematics sought by Fort Lewis College located in Durango, CO to teach college courses in mathematics. Teaching load is 24 credits per academic year (6 to 8 courses per year); courses taught may include College Algebra, Precalculus, Calculus, & Statistics. For further job details, rqmts & application info refer to: http://jobpost.works/ba8126/

Lecturer for Mathematics sought by Fort Lewis College located in Durango, CO to teach college courses in mathematics. Teaching load is 6 to 8 courses per year; courses taught may include college algebra, precalculus, calculus, & statistics. For further job details, rqmts & application info refer to: http://jobpost.works/an8126/

Now Hiring Downtown Ambassadors

Do you love Durango? The Durango Business Improvement District is looking for friendly, outgoing and knowledgeable people who love our community to be Downtown Ambassadors. We are looking for candidates that have great interpersonal skills and are familiar with our community. Must have strong communication skills, enjoy talking to people and be self-motivated. This is a seasonal, part-time position. $15-$17per hour. To apply visit: www.downtowndurango.org/jobs. Application deadline is April 10.

FT County Coordinator Wanted

Wildfire Adapted Partnership (nonprofit) seeks one full-time County Coordinator to manage wildfire education and mitigation programs in eastern La Plata County. Visit wildfireadapted. org/join-team to view full job announcement.

Wanted

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-2593494.

ForRent

Furnished Studio in Town $900/mo. specula1@gmail.com

ForSale

Venture Split Snowboard 8 yo splitboard, backcountry ready, skins and bindings. Used $375. Tyler 970.247.1233

Services

HaikuMovieReview

‘Nothing Compares’ Whether you agree with her politics, or not her voice is epic

– Lainie Maxson

BodyWork

Reiki Practitioner, Postpartum Doula and Reflexologist

In-office energy work sessions and reflexology by appointment, and inhome postpartum doula services and support. Energy medicine sessions held in office at the Sun Building, 755 E. 2nd Ave., Durango. 970-946-9352

30% Off Body Work, Tuesdays

Stop Smoking/Break Bad Habits

Effortless! Relaxing! Get the results you want! Professional hypnosis with Susan Urban, (CHT, HA, TH). Use your own brain to make the positive changes you want in your life. Free phone consultation. 970-247-9617.

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing

Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

Therapeutic deep tissue, cupping, and TENS treatment options. Located at the Community Wellness Center, 160 E. 12th St., Suite 1, Durango. Call to schedule w/ Dennis 970.403.5451

In-Home Fitness Training

Convenient. Private. All ages. Diane Brady NSCA-CPT. 970-903-2421

Lotus Path Healing Arts

Now accepting new clients. Offering a unique, intuitive fusion of Esalen massage, deep tissue & Acutonics, 24 years of experience. To schedule call Kathryn, 970-201-3373.

Massage by Meg Bush LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-7590199.