RegularOccurrences

4 La Vida Local

4 Thumbin’ It

5 Wastern Water Girl

6-7 Soap Box

8 Top Story

10 State News

11 Flash in the Pan

12-13 Stuff to Do

13 Ask Rachel

14 Free Will Astrology

15 Classifieds

15 Haiku Movie Review

Ear to the ground:

“Mine are 175s.”

“Are you guys talking about skis?”

“No, readers.”

– You know you’re getting old when the conversation turns from ski length to reading glasses strength

Ready to ride

It’s happening. It’s really happening. The City of Durango is planning to break ground on a new mountain bike park this April.

In 2015, local philanthropist Marc Katz bought land southeast of town off Highway 3 known as Ewing Mesa. The 1,850-acre parcel, which sits about 300 feet above town, is now known as Durango Mesa Park. Katz donated most of the land to the City with big dreams: a new fairground, an outdoor venue and yes, a new mountain bike park.

The anti-resort

Steamboat’s Howelsen Hill caters to families, locals with Ski Free Sundays by Stina Sieg / Colorado Public Radio

EDITORIALISTA: Missy Votel missy@durangotelegraph.com

ADVERTISING SALES: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

STAFF REPORTER:

Jonathan Romeo jonathan@durangotelegraph.com

The Durango Telegraph publishes every Thursday, come hell, high water, tacky singletrack or mon-

STAR-STUDDED CAST: Addyson Santese, Teal Lehto, Rob Brezsny, Ari LeVaux, Lainie Maxson, Jesse Anderson & Clint Reid

MAILING ADDRESS: P.O. Box 332, Durango, CO 81302

VIRTUAL ADDRESS: www.durangotelegraph.com ster powder days. We are wholly independently owned and operated by the Durango Telegraph LLC and dis-

On the cover

The sun rises over rock formations in Utah’s Arches National Park. Is it desert season yet?/ Photo by Alex Krebs

REAL WORLD ADDRESS: 679 E. 2nd Ave., Ste E2 Durango, CO 81301

PHONE: 970-259-0133

E-MAIL: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

MAIL DELIVERY AND SUBSCRIPTIONS: $3.50/issue, $150/year tributed in the finest and most discerning locations throughout the greater Durango area.

While most of the projects are still in the planning stages, the mountain bike park is ready for construction, the City announced last week. The City of Durango, along with the Durango Mesa Park Foundation, Durango Trails, and AJ Construction and other local builders will construct five new trails and make improvements to the Horse Gulch trailhead starting in just a few short weeks. The project also will include a 2.15-mile connector from Durango Mesa Park to the Telegraph Trail (Hey! Our namesake!)

“There are a lot of moving pieces, and it’s a very complex project,” Ture Nycum, the city’s director of parks and recreation, said. “But we are very excited to break ground on this trail project.”

All told, the city said the new mountain bike trails and improvements are expected to be completed later this year.

“We’re thrilled to be working with the city on this exciting project,” Moira Compton, spokeswoman for the Durango Mesa Park Foundation, said in a statement. “Mountain biking, running and hiking are a big part of the outdoor recreation scene in Durango, and we’re excited to provide more opportunities for people to get out and enjoy the trails.”

The new trail system will be the first authorized public use of the prized piece of land. But in the meantime, eager bikers are asked to sit tight until the official opening.

For more information, go to durango mesapark.org

Spring Break Syndrome

It’s finally spring, which, if you live in Southwest Colorado, means a few things. The clocks have sprung forward, and we get to wake up in total darkness again, which is probably a contributing factor to why I feel like crying every morning. That and the fact that I haven’t seen the sun in a week due to the endless bomb-cyclone-atmospheric-river-mega-storm-cycles that have brought much-needed moisture to the area since January, and much dismay to my husband, who’s about to blow out his back from shoveling snow. Additionally, the roads have become more pothole than road, and I’m willing to bet your daily commute has transformed into something akin to the Baja 500, minus the trophy truck.

But the most notable shift that heralds the new season isn’t the chirping of birds or budding trees or blooming flowers we’ve all been desperately waiting for. It’s the arrival of a plague. Or, as they’re more commonly known, spring breakers.

It’s a fact that without tourism, small towns would die in much the same way that Emily from ASU might “literally die if she doesn’t get a fishbowl margarita STAT.” We need spring breakers to prop up our local economy after a long winter. But the complication isn’t that these tourists buy deeply problematic “Colorado Native” T-shirts, consume their body weight in all the recreational drugs that aren’t legal back home, and drink enough alcohol to sedate a horse. It’s that they’re riddled with SBS.

SBS, or Spring Break Syndrome, can be defined as a common disorder that affects the cognitive and behavioral function of adolescents through adults for one-week intervals during the months of March and April. Scientists theorize that SBS is caused by an alteration in our brain chemistry that occurs as soon as we believe we will be leaving our “real lives” behind for a place where everyday responsibilities cease to exist, replaced with “good vibes only.”

Now, you might be thinking that SBS only affects the tourists who visit your town, however, the condition is highly contagious and anyone can contract it. Even you. In some studies, it’s been observed that the moment an individual books a car, hotel or flight for spring break, the symptoms of SBS have already begun to set in. Their transformation into someone who will froth at the mouth over the prospect of wearing shorts for the first time in six months and acting like a complete jerk to service workers because they’re “on vacay” is inevitable.

Sadly, a common sign of SBS is an acute lack of self-awareness, meaning

Thumbin’It

Local First receiving $150,000 from an anonymous foundation to help businesses secure more workforce housing.

The International Criminal Court issuing an arrest warrant for Russian President Vladimir Putin related to the invasion of Ukraine. We’re sure he’ll turn himself in any minute now… many people who have the syndrome don’t even know it. While the symptoms of SBS can vary, there are a few key indicators to look for that might prove you or someone you know might be affected.

Former President Donald Trump claiming his arrest is imminent. Well hey, why not put Trump and Putin in the same cell and save time and money? We hear they’re pretty good friends anyway.

Have you suddenly forgotten how to drive? Has the function of a turn signal become a mystery to you? Do you find yourself running locals off the road in your absolute fervor to get to your Airbnb/Vrbo/condo that could have been affordable housing but was turned into a cash cow vacation rental instead? You might have SBS.

In areas like Durango, SBS often presents in the form of five-hour wait times at Steamworks thanks to that one party of 27, an influx of Yukon SUVs filling up every parking space from Main to 3rd avenues, and chairlifts at Purgatory that are overrun with frat bro gapers who are all coincidentally named Bryce. Other non-regionally specific signs include a desire to stand on tabletops or bars to sing a hackneyed rendition of any (yes, any) Taylor Swift song in an effort to prove that you’re so totally over your ex and definitely having way more fun without them. Individuals should also be checked for SBS if they exhibit a heightened interest in the music of Pitbull, LMFAO or “Island in the Sun” by Weezer.

If you suspect you have SBS, take the following steps:

• Step 1: Drink some water. This is just good life advice in general, but it’s also especially important when it comes to ensuring you’re regularly flushing the gallons of alcohol from your system so your brain can function enough to recognize when you might be experiencing SBS.

• Step 2: Review your social media activity. If you recently posted a photo with any caption resembling any iteration of “stress-free zone,” “vacation mode on” or “catch flights, not feelings,” you are in need of immediate assistance.

• Step 3: Should you exhibit any of the symptoms listed above, take a moment to pause, look around, and then repeat this mantra. [Insert Location] is a real town. [Insert Location] does not only exist the one time per year that I decide to visit. I should respect [Insert Location] and the people who live here.

Tragically, the only known cure for SBS is the crushing weight of reality, administered by going back to wherever it is you came from. But with heightened public awareness programs and PSAs such as this, we can all strive to be a little less terrible the next time we go on vacation. So go out, have fun and cross your fingers that the town you return to isn’t another popular spring break location!

– Addyson Santese

SignoftheDownfall:

A rash of skiing related deaths across Colorado, both at ski resorts and in the backcountry.

The World Health Organization investigating whether “raccoon dogs” may have actually been the source of COVID-19. You know what? There’s too much to unpack here for a quick thumbs down. Moving on…

We’re not going to claim we know WTF is going on with the banking system, but it sounds bad. I guess it pays not to have any money to lose for once?

We Be Bored

Twenty-eight teenage girls in Columbia were hospitalized two weeks ago after suffering extreme anxiety attacks that purportedly stemmed from in-school Ouija Board use. Apparently, the girls were being dramatic in class, so the authorities blamed a board game and then sent them all off to the ER. Firstly, Ouija Boards are made by Hasbro – the same company that sells Monopoly and Hungry Hungry Hippo – so these things don’t actually pierce the veil to the underworld. And secondly, even if they could summon spirits, any demon would be mild compared to a teenage girl. GOOD BYE.