Going au naturel, angry birds and picking a bone(r)

Interesting fact: Viagra rakes in about $500 million a year. The nursery greenhouse industry? $16 billion. Guess we know how folks really get their rocks off.

Dear Rachel,

After the ruling on us women mostly from old men from Texas, Florida and Idaho, do you think we should outlaw Viagra for men? God said, go natural or abstain.

Dear US Ladyperson,

– American Woman

I’m no religious expert, but it really sounds like, in your understanding of faith, God is a bareback-or-nothin’ kind of guy. Actually, that’s basically my understanding, too. That God sounds like the creepy guy on Craigslist responding to your ad for a $20 petstained couch. Spoiler: he doesn’t want the couch. Don’t outlaw Viagra. The only thing worse than a bunch of raging men with hard-ons is a bunch of raging men who can’t get them. You do not want those guys lurking around your unwanted furniture.

– OBO, Rachel

Then I saw them yet again. Now I’m starting to think those birds are scoping my house. Are they even birds? Could they be surveillance drones? Or if they really are birds, could they want something from a 2bd 1ba within short flying distance from the Animas?

– Ariel Surveillance

Dear Little Mermaid, Were there cloudy lines following those herons? These could be the newest mechanism for releasing chemtrails. It’s probably the result of herons eating fish that survived the Animas spill. Now they fart toxic chemicals, which is why the gubmint stooges made that spill happen. Wake up, sheeple!

– A little bird told me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I saw two herons fly over my house recently. A real red-letter day. Then I saw them again.

Hauntings & History Ghost Tour, 7:30 p.m., Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad Depot.

Monday29

Fiesta Days and Carnival, 2 p.m., La Plata County Fairgrounds, 2500 Main Ave.

Dave Mensch plays, 4:30 p.m., Mancos Brewing.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Comedy Showcase, 7:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Tuesday30

Community Yoga, 4:30-5:30 p.m., Yoga Durango, 1485 Florida Rd. Donations accepted.

Slow Bluegrass Jam, 5:30-7:30 p.m., General Palmer, 567 Main Ave.

Author Talk & Book Signing: Melissa Sevigny, 6 p.m., Maria’s Bookshop, 960 Main Ave.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Dear Rachel, I can’t decide if plants at the garden center are the biggest rip off or the best steal of all time. I pay $20 for a plant that I have to water and that I can’t eat. $20 buys a lot of edible plants at the grocery store. That said, I buy a living organism that made it this far without dying and could bring me invaluable joy. Which is it? Bargain or scam?

– Flower Girl

Dear Chica de Flores, I was trying to think of something else that costs $20 that we could compare it to. What about Viagra? So I pulled up an incognito browsing window (do NOT want that crap in my algorithm) and found out Viagra is $70 A FREAKING PILL. Generic is something like $4, so let’s split the diff and say you (or someone) can get 2.86 generic hard-ons for the cost of one Jupiter’s Beard. In my experience, flowers ain’t forever, but they sure last a lot longer than… you know.

– Generically, Rachel

Dustin Burley plays, 6-9 p.m., Durango Hot Springs.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., Lola’s Place, 725 E. 2nd Ave.

“Smashed Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet,” 7 p.m., 11th St. Station.

Firefall plays, 7 p.m., Bar D Chuckwagon, 8080 CR 250.

Open Mic Night, 7 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

“Come Fly With Me: Brian De Lorenzo Celebrates Sinatra,” 7:30 p.m., Summit Church, 2917 Aspen Dr.

Wednesday31

Restorative Yoga for Cancer, 9:3010:45 a.m., no cost for cancer patients, post-treatment survivors and caregivers, Smiley Building, 1309 E. 3rd Ave. Register at cancersupportswco.org/calendar.

Animas River Days Kick Off Party, 5 p.m., Ska Brewing, 225 Girard St.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m.,

The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Ongoing

“Stories We Wear: Recognizing and Honoring Missing and Murdered Indigenous Relatives,” opening reception, Ignacio Public Library, 470 Goddard Ave. Exhibit runs until May 31.

The Hive Indoor Skate Park, open skate and skate lessons. For schedule and waiver, go to www.thehivedgo.org

Upcoming

“Furniture as Art,” fundraiser for KDUR, June 1, 6 p.m., FLC Student Union.

First Friday Art Crawl, June 2, 4-7 p.m., ArtRoom Collective, 1309 E. 3rd Ave.

Thee Fearless Peasants play, June 2, 5 p.m., Durango Craft Spirits, 1120 Main.

Animas River Days, June 2-4, Santa Rita Park. www.animasriverdays.com.

Mesa Verde National Park Film Premiere, June 2, 6 p.m., FLC’s Student Ballroom.

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): My reading of the astrological omens inspires me to make a series of paradoxical predictions for you. Here are five scenarios I foresee as being quite possible in the coming weeks. 1. An epic journey to a sanctuary close to home. 2. A boundary that doesn’t keep people apart but brings them closer. 3. A rambunctious intervention that calms you down and helps you feel more at peace. 4. A complex process that leads to simple clarity. 5. A visit to the past that empowers you to redesign the future.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Do you want a seed to fulfill its destiny? You must bury it in the ground. There, if it’s able to draw on water and the proper nutrients, it will break open and sprout. Its life as a seed will be over. The plant it eventually grows into will look nothing like its source. We take this process for granted, but it’s always a miracle. Now let’s invoke this story as a metaphor for what you are hopefully on the verge of, Taurus. I invite you to do all that’s helpful and necessary to ensure your seed germinates!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your meandering trek through the Unpromised Land wasn’t as demoralizing as you feared. The skirmish with the metaphorical dragon was a bit disruptive, but hey, you are still breathing and walking around and even seem to have been energized by the weird thrill of the adventure. The only other possible downside was the new dent in your sweet dream. But I suspect that in the long run, that imperfection will inspire you to work even harder on behalf of your sweet dream – and this will be a blessing.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Testing time is ahead, but don’t get your nerves in an uproar with fantasy-spawned stress. For the most part, your challenges and trials will be interesting, not unsettling. There will be few if any trick questions. There will be straightforward prods to stretch your capacities and expand your understanding. Bonus! I bet you’ll get the brilliant impulse to shed the ball and chain you’ve been absentmindedly carrying around with you.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Biologist Edward O. Wilson said that the most social animals are ants, termites and honeybees. He used the following criteria to define that description: “altruism, instincts devoted to social life, and the tightness of the bonds that turn colonies into virtual superorganisms.” I’m going to advocate that you regard ants, termites and honeybees as teachers and role models for you. The coming weeks will be a great time to boost your skill at socializing and networking. You will be wise to ruminate about how you could improve your life by enhancing your ability to cooperate with others. And remember to boost your altruism!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Jack Sarfatti is an authentic but maverick physicist born under the sign of Virgo. He suggests that if we make ourselves receptive and alert, we may get help from our future selves. They are trying to communicate good ideas to us back through time. Alas, most of us don’t believe such a thing is feasible, so we aren’t attuned to the potential help. I will encourage you to transcend any natural skepticism you might have about Sarfatti’s theory. As a fun experiment, imagine that the Future You has an important transmission for you – maybe several transmissions. For best results, formulate three specific questions to pose to the Future You.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I have three points for your consideration. 1. You are alive in your mysterious, endlessly interesting life, and you are imbued with the fantastically potent power of awareness. How could you not feel thrilled? 2. You’re on a planet that’s always surprising, and you’re in an era when so many things are changing that you can’t help being fascinated. How could you not feel thrilled? 3. You have some intriguing project to look forward to, or some challenging but engaging work you’re doing, or some mind-bending riddle you’re trying to solve. How could you not feel thrilled?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn,” advises Scorpio author Neil Gaiman. Let’s make that one of your mantras for the coming weeks. In my astrological understanding, you are due to cash in on favors you have bestowed on others. The generosity you have expressed should be streaming back your way in abundance. Be bold about welcoming the bounty. In fact, I hope you will nudge and prompt people, if necessary, to reward you for your past support and blessings.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): So many of us are starved to be listened to with full attention. So many of us yearn to be seen and heard and felt by people who are skilled at receptive empathy. How many of us? I’d say the figure is about 99.9%. That’s the bad news, Sagittarius. The good news is that in the coming weeks, you will have an exceptional ability to win the attention of good listeners. To boost the potential healing effects of this opportunity, here’s what I recommend: Refine and deepen your own listening skills. Express them with panache.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Because you’re a Capricorn, earthiness is probably one of your strengths. It’s your birthright to be practical and sensible and wellgrounded. Now and then, however, your earthiness devolves into muddiness. You get too sober and earnest. You’re bogged down in excess pragmatism. I suspect you may be susceptible to such a state these days. What to do? It may help if you add elements of air and fire to your constitution, just to balance things out.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I love to use metaphors in my writing, but I hate to mix unrelated metaphors. I thrive on referring to poetry, sometimes even surrealistic poetry, but I try to avoid sounding like a lunatic. However, at this juncture in your hero’s journey, Aquarius, I frankly feel that the most effective way to communicate with you is to offer you mixed metaphors and surrealist poetry that border on sounding lunatic. Why? Because you seem primed to wander around on the edges of reality. I’m guessing you’ll respond best to a message that’s aligned with your unruly mood. So here goes: Get ready to surf the spiritual undertow all the way to the teeming wilderness on the other side of the cracked mirror. Ignore the provocative wasteland on your left and the intriguing chaos on your right. Stay focused on the stars in your eyes and devote yourself to wild joy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “The gift of patience opens when our body, heart and mind slow enough to move in unison.” So says Piscean poet Mark Nepo. I feel confident you are about to glide into such a grand harmony, dear Pisces. Through a blend of grace and your relaxed efforts to be true to your deepest desires, your body, heart and mind will synchronize and synergize. Patience will be just one of the gifts you will receive. Others include: a clear vision of your most beautiful future; a lucid understanding of what will be most meaningful to you in the next three years; and a profound sense of feeling at home in the world, wherever you go.

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com.

Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.)

Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Approximate office hours:

Mon-Wed: 9ish - 5ish

Thurs: On delivery

Fri: Gone fishing; call first

Announcements

Welcome to All Holistic Healers, Vendors, psychic readers, mediums, massage, family friendly activities wanting to share your gifts, talents and products at the Mind Body Spirit Fair, July 22nd at Santa Rita Park! Go to page fair application on www.inspire changecj.com for all details, CJ Marten.

Extraordinary Quantum and alchemy healings along with house blessings provided. Contact Diana at 970 560-7858 or lightdimen sions@gmail.com, mountainspiritheal ing.org

Classes/Workshops

West Coast Swing Dance

6-week class starts May 31. Learn the basics of West Coast Swing. Registration required at www.westslopewesties.com

Lost/Found

Found: Gold Necklace

Many years ago on E. 3rd Ave. May have sentimental value: 970-749-0153.

HelpWanted

Interior Design Assistant

Local interior designer looking for a highly motivated, talented person with a flair for decorating. Self directed and motivated is a must. The position is interior design assistant with some personal assistant tasks as needed. Competitive wage and flexible hours! OM Design, oshajustice@gmail.com

Need Part-Time Caregiver

For my mother. $20/hr. 3-4 hrs/day, 2-3 days/week to start. Then occasional 4-5-day periods for vacation cover. 32nd Street and Holly, Durango. Call Marla, 928-707-2047.

HaikuMovieReview

‘Anna Nicole Smith: You Don’t Know Me’ Yes, I watched this, and yes, I feel ashamed, unlike the people involved

– Lainie Maxson

Work at Lake Nighthorse

This summer. Southwest Foils is hiring PT eFoil instructors for the summer. Great college or high school summer gig. No experience necessary, will train. $15/hr + bonuses. Contact us through www.southwestfoils.com

Amaya is Hiring

Amaya is hiring massage therapist and receptionist. Please contact tricia gourley13@gmail.com or drop off resume.

Wanted:

iAM Music Exec Director!

Seeking FT dynamic leader to manage planning, organizing, and directing operations while supervising staff. Experience in financial management, fundraising, communications, staff relations, program development & administration preferred. $55-65K to start. Email cover letter and resume to: lizpulismora@gmail.com

ForSale

Beautiful Tiny Home for Sale

Beautiful tiny home for sale! 480 sq. ft. custom container home on wheels. Beautiful, reclaimed beetle kill tongue and groove. Off grid perhaps? RV hookups are all you would need to start living in it today! Needs to be towed by a semi-truck to be relocated. $49,000 contact Jesse 970-317-3772

Trek Road Bike for Sale

2013 Trek Madone 7.9 road bike, size 58, Dura Ace Di2 drive train, Zipp 303 Firecrest Carbon Clincher wheelset, new SRM PowerMeter (53/39), Dura Ace cranks 175mm, Dura-Ace 11 speed cassette—11-28, Dura Ace carbon rim brakes, Fizik Aliante Carbon saddle Price= $3200 770-547-4528

Motorized Bedframe

Queen size motorized adjustable bed frame, fits over any bed frame, any type mattress, never used, made by Leggett & Platt, retail $1500, selling for $500, 770-547-4528

Reruns Home Furnishings

Brighten up your outdoor space –lots of yard art, planters and bistro sets. Décor for the inside too with dressers, nightstands, and beautiful lamps. Looking to consign smaller furniture pieces … 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 3857336.

Services

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

BodyWork

Massage by Meg Bush LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-7590199.

1991 Infinity Q45

109,780 miles, all maintenance records, excellent condition, $7300

770-547-4528

12’ and 10’ Lake Kayaks

$150/ea or $250/both. 970-903-0876

The Original Hanging Sky Chair

Hand-crafted of canvas treated with paraffin for durability and water repellency. Heavy-duty reinforcements. Black. Includes foot rest. Great cond. Retails $160. Selling $69 OBO. For dets, see on FB marketplace or text 970-7492595.

Medicinal Massage

Deep tissue body work, joint rehab, muscular tension release. Get your body tune-up. 25% off Tuesdays. Located downtown. Call/Text Dennis @ 970.403.5451

In-Home Fitness Training

Convenient. Private. All ages. Diane Brady NSCA-CPT. 970-903-2421

Lotus Path Healing Arts

Unique fusion of Esalen massage, deep tissue & Acutonics, 24 years experience. Kathryn, 970-201-3373.