AskRachel App-aholics, birds of play and snakes alive

Interesting fact: Vin Diesel, voice actor, recorded all his own lines for “Guardians of the Galaxy” in 15 different languages. No word on which one was sexiest.

Dear Rachel,

How many freaking apps do we need for messaging each other? I have friends who use Messenger, Snapchat, Whatsapp and whatever the regular old texting thing is. And those are just the ones I’ve caved into downloading. I’m certain they use more. And it’s not like they have different ones for different people. Individual people will message me on all four apps in the same day. What’s the most polite way for me to stop this madness?

– 54 Unread Messages movies & shows is most often a red-tail hawk. I can’t decide if I’m outraged or impressed. Like, I’d be pissed if I learned Tom Hanks had someone else rerecord all his lines. BUT… have you ever switched your audio over to Español and discovered that, say, Latina Halle Berry or Latino Benedict Cumberbatch is even sexier? Just saying.

– Overdub

Dear Full Up,

Ugh, tell me about it. Sounds even worse than mailing someone a letter and waiting days for a response that gets published in what’s basically the largest group text in town. Even so, I prefer that to being one of those working schmucks for whom each messaging app purports to boost productivity. I had a job once with an app that was literally virtual sticky notes on a virtual bulletin board. I much preferred analog sticky notes, which necessitated me to walk to the supply cabinet a few times a day.

Dear Rachel,

I just learned that the eagle call we hear in

Dear Underbud,

The only natural compromise here is for the eagles in films to come with subtitles. That way, we can preserve their natural language while accommodating those whose primary understanding of nature is through the various hawk tongues. And yes; having sat through “Toy Story” whenever my college Spanish teacher had a hangover means I get warm feelings listening to Tom Hanks’ doble de voz.

– Skree skree, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We have a harmless snake living under our porch. I’m cool with it. I figure it’s eating other things we don’t want. But my partner can’t stand knowing there’s a creepy crawly right under her feet every time she steps through the door. She wants me to kill it. Now, this I am afraid to do. The snake hissed at me once, and I peed a little. How can I convince my partner I killed the snake without actually killing it?

– Snake Hunter

Dear Hissterical,

Document the crap out of the fake hunt on all your messaging apps. Send notes from the hardware store about buying gloves, acetylene, whatever you need to kill a snake. Insta yourself all suited up. Snap yourself about to go under the porch, then drop the phone and make a bunch of noises, “Blair Witch”style. Stab yourself with an ice pick a few times, then shoot a text of yourself dropping a trash bag (with a cut-up hose inside) into the bin. Oh, and do all this while your partner’s not at home.

– Crikey, mate, Rachel

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Visionary author Peter McWilliams wrote, “One of the most enjoyable aspects of solitude is doing what you want when you want to do it, with the absolute freedom to change what you’re doing at will. Solitude removes all the ‘negotiating’ we need to do when we’re with others.” I’ll add a caveat: Some of us have more to learn about enjoying solitude. We may experience it as a loss or deprivation. But here’s the good news, Aries: In the coming weeks, you will be extra inspired to cultivate the benefits that come from being alone.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The 18th century French engineer Étienne Bottineau invented nauscopy, the art of detecting sailing ships at a great distance, well beyond the horizon. Bottineau said his skill was not rooted in sorcery or luck, but from his careful study of changes in the atmosphere, wind and sea. You Tauruses have a special capacity for arriving at seemingly magical understandings by harnessing your sensitivity to natural signals. Your intuition thrives as you closely observe the practical details of how the world works. This superpower will be at a peak in the coming weeks.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): According to a Welsh proverb, “Three fears weaken the heart: fear of the truth; fear of the devil; fear of poverty.” I suspect the first of those three is most likely to worm its way into your awareness during the coming weeks. So let’s see what we can do to diminish its power over you. Here’s one possibility: Believe me when I tell you that even if the truth’s arrival is initially disturbing or disruptive, it will ultimately be healing and liberating. It should be welcomed, not feared.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Hexes nullified! Jinxes abolished! Demons banished! Adversaries outwitted! Liabilities diminished! Bad habits replaced with good habits! These are some of the glorious developments possible for you in the coming months, Cancerian. Am I exaggerating? Maybe a little. But if so, not much. In my vision of your future, you will be the embodiment of a lucky charm and a repository of blessed mojo. You are embarking on a phase when it will make logical sense to be an optimist. Can you sweep all the dross and mess out of your sphere? No, but I bet you can do at least 80%.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In the book, “Curious Facts in the History of Insects,” Frank Cowan tells a perhaps legendary story about how mayors were selected in the medieval Swedish town of Hurdenburg. The candidates would set their chins on a table with their long beards spread out in front of them. A louse, a tiny parasitic insect, would be put in the middle of the table. Whichever beard the creature crawled to and chose as its new landing spot would reveal the man who would become the town’s new leader. I beg you not to do anything like this, Leo. The decisions you and your allies make should be grounded in good evidence and sound reason, not blind chance.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I rebel against the gurus and teachers who tell us our stories are delusional indulgences that interfere with our enlightenment. I reject their insistence that our personal tales are distractions from our spiritual work. Virgo author A. S. Byatt speaks for me: “Narration is as much a part of human nature as breath and the circulation of the blood.” Now is an excellent time to jettison the stories that feel demoralizing and draining – even as you celebrate the stories that embody your genuine beauty.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In the Mayan calendar, each of the 20 day names is associated with a natural phenomenon. The day called “Kawak” is paired with rainstorms. “Ik’” is connected with wind and breath. “Kab’an” is earth, “Manik’” is deer, and “Chikchan” is the snake. Now would be a great time for you to engage in an imaginative exercise inspired by the Mayans. Why? Because this is an ideal phase of your cycle to break up your routine, to reinvent the regular rhythm, to introduce innovations in how you experience the flow of the time.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): From 9981030, Scorpio-born leader Mahmud Ghaznavi ruled the vast Ghaznavid Empire, which stretched from current-day Iran to central Asia and northwestern India. Like so many of history’s strong men, he was obsessed with military conquest. Unlike many others, though, he treasured culture and learning. You’ve heard of poet laureates? He had 400 of them. According to some tales, he rewarded one wordsmith with a mouthful of pearls. In accordance with astrological omens, I encourage you to be more like the Mahmud who loved beauty and art and less like the Mahmud who enjoyed fighting. The coming weeks will be a favorable time to fill your world with grace.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): About 1,740 years ago, before she became a Catholic saint, Margaret of Antioch got swallowed whole by Satan, who was disguised as a dragon. Or so the old story goes. But Margaret was undaunted. There in the beast’s innards, Margaret calmly made the sign of the cross over and over with her right hand. Meanwhile, the wooden cross in her left hand magically swelled to an enormous size that ruptured the beast, enabling her to escape. After that, because of her triumph, expectant mothers and women in labor regarded Margaret as their patron saint. Your upcoming test won’t be anywhere near as demanding as hers, Sagittarius, but I bet you will ace it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorn-born Johannes Kepler (1571–1630) was an astronomer and mathematician who was an instrumental innovator in the Scientific Revolution. Among his many breakthrough accomplishments were his insights about the laws of planetary motion. Books he wrote were crucial forerunners of Isaac Newton’s theories about gravitation. But here’s an unexpected twist: Kepler was also a practicing astrologer who interpreted the charts of many people, including three emperors of the Holy Roman Empire. In the spirit of Kepler’s ability to bridge seemingly opposing perspectives, Capricorn, I invite you to be a paragon of mediation and conciliation in the coming weeks. Always be looking for ways to heal splits and forge connections. Assume you have an extraordinary power to blend elements that no one else can.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Dear Restless Runaway: During the next 10 months, life will offer you these invitations: 1. Identify the land that excites you and stabilizes you. 2. Spend lots of relaxing time on that land. 3. Define the exact nature of the niche or situation where your talents and desires will be most gracefully expressed. 4. Take steps to create or gather the family you want. 5. Take steps to create or gather the community you want.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I’d love you to be a deep-feeling free-thinker in the coming weeks. I will cheer you on if you nurture your emotional intelligence as you liberate yourself from outmoded beliefs and opinions. Celebrate your precious sensitivity, dear Pisces, even as you use your fine mind to reevaluate your vision of what the future holds. It’s a perfect time to glory in rich sentiments and exult in creative ideas.

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com.

Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Approximate office hours:

Mon-Wed: 9ish - 5ish

Thurs: On delivery

Fri: Gone fishing; call first

Announcements

KDUR is Celebrating 50 years of broadcasting in 2025. With that anniversary fast approaching, staff is on the hunt for past DJs. Maybe you did a show for one year, maybe you did a show for 10. However long that was, hopefully you have a fond memory, a story or maybe even some recorded material! If you do, please email station manager Bryant Liggett, Liggett_b@fort lewis.edu or call 970.247.7261

Classes/Workshops

Aikido Intro Class

Aikido is a Japanese martial art with a do-no-harm attitude. Gain poise, focus, stress-relief. 4-week class Mon 68pm. Starts July 10th. Full details at https://durangoaikido.blog/intro-classseries or text/call 970-426-5257.

Let’s Letter Together!

Italic, brushlettering, sign-writing, chalkboards, and more! In person classes at The ArtRoom. Learn more: bit.ly/letterdurango

Lost/Found

Found I-Phone at Purgatory on June 12, 2023. Appears to been lost Feb 23, 2023. Call 970-259-2834 and identify.

HelpWanted

Hiring at Dgo Adult Ed Center

Eve Humanities Teacher $22/hr part time. Small classes, no grading! Student Svs Specialist (front desk/registrar) $18-

$19/hr part time. Bilingual Eng/Spanish preferred. Learn more at durango adulted.org or contact us at 970-3854354 or info@durangoadulted.org

Help Wanted at Fruit Stand!

Need seasonal help at Just Peachy fruit stand for sales associate. Sales associates will greet, engage and answer customer questions about our produce and other goods. Restocking, sorting and cashiering are main job components. Some heavy lifting may be required. For further job info please contact: Amy Flores Bair @ (817)7818255 floresamyj@gmail.com or Joshua Bair @ (970)903-8410 joshuabbair@ gmail.com

The Town of Silverton is Seeking to Hire a full-time Community Project & Housing Coordinator to work directly with the San Juan Development Association. Key responsibilities would include community project coordination, housing program management, community engagement and outreach, and grant writing/ fundraising. The Community Project & Housing Coordinator position offers a unique opportunity to make a significant impact on community development and affordable housing initiatives. The successful candidate will demonstrate strong project management skills, community engagement abilities and a commitment to creating inclusive and sustainable communities. For the full job description, please visit https://townofsilverton.colorado.gov/employment. Hours per week: 40 hours/week. Hourly rate: $3040/hr. depending on experience. Benefits include health, vision, dental, paid time off. Contact/application information: Please send a resume and cover letter to bkremer@sanjuandevelopment.com and gkaasch-buerger@silverton.co.us or by mail to SJDA, PO Box 722, Silverton, CO 81433. Position is open until filled. The Town of Silverton is an equal opportunity employer.

Massage Therapists Needed

Amaya is hiring Massage Therapist part time positions. Email triciagourley 13@gmail.com or drop off resume to apply

CommercialforRent

Office Co-Share Available

Furnished office, private bathroom, secure entrances and covered parking. Visit snowhaven.org to reserve the space.

Wanted

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

ForSale

HaikuMovieReview

‘Misha and the Wolves’

You’ve likely heard of the boy who cried wolf, now meet the girl who lied wolf

Vintage Bike for Sale

Schwinn One World 1940s The Schwinn One World was a popular bicycle in the 1940s. It is considered a classic vintage bike and often sought after by collectors and enthusiasts. Working condition, pick up only in Durango, CO $250 or BO 9707991979

TaoTronics 4k Action Camera

New and in the box. Comes with user guide and all accessories that came with it: waterproof housing, handlebar/pole mount, mounts, battery, tethers, protective back cover, USB cable and lens cleaning cloth. $50. J.marie.pace@gmail.com

Custom-made Llama Trailer

Llama trailer fits 2-3 llamas. Suitable for other small livestock. 2005 Heibco brand in excellent shape. $3,200. 970749-0604.

Berry Plants for Sale

Elderberry, raspberry and cherry shrubs. Make your own elderberry syrup! Fresh elderflower and Nanking cherry available to make cordials or teas. So lovely and yummy! mtberry medicine@gmail.com

Jackson Antix 1.0 Medium

Just in time for high water! Gently used Antix - been down the Grand 1.5 times and taken out for a few highwater town runs but mostly has hung in the garage. This is a super fun river runner/surfer and can catch eddies like a dream - just a little too big for me. Very good condition - all outfitting intact, no tears or rips, clean cockpit. A few minor cosmetic blems but otherwise in great shape. In hot pink/orange/yellow fade. Downtown Durango. Message for dets: 970-749-2595.

Reruns Home Furnishings

Brighten up your indoor and outdoor space – bookcases, nightstands, dressers, bistro patio sets and bar stools.

Looking to consign smaller furniture pieces … 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 385-7336.

Services

Marketing Small/Local Businesses

Media, website building and content editing, copywriting and editing, newsletters, blogs, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. www.the saltymedia.com or email jnderge@ gmail.com

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing

Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

BodyWork

Lotus Path Healing Arts

Now accepting new clients. Offering a unique, intuitive fusion of Esalen massage, deep tissue & Acutonics, 24 years of experience. To schedule call Kathryn, 970-201-3373.

Integrated Massage

Deep tissue therapeutic body work @ Durango Wellness Clinic Call/text 970.403.5451 to book a session with Dennis. Inquire about Telegraph discount.

Massage by Meg Bush LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-759-0199.

CommunityService

Calling all La Plata County Artists curators and galleries. The First annual Durango Art Week kicks off Sept. 15. Participation is open to anyone in the art field. Durango Art Week’s strives to provide an engaging and memorable experience by uniting the community through art and celebrating diversity and accessibility. If you are interested in learning more or registering, email artweek@du rango.org

Volunteers Needed

Do you want to make a difference in your community and the lives of others?

Volunteer! Alternative Horizons is always in need of volunteers to staff our hotline. AH supports and empowers survivors of domestic violence. Training and ongoing support provided. Next training will be held on May 8th and 9th. For more infor- mation call the office at 970-247-4374 or visit our website https://alternativehori zons.org/

Are you the parent or caregiver of a child 3 or under? Cafe Au Play offers a free, safe, enclosed, indoor and outdoor play area complete with toddlerfriendly structures, 10 a.m. -1 p.m., Mon. – Fri., at Christ the King Lutheran Church. We also host a free Power Au Play from 10 a.m. -12 noon on the third Wednesday of each month at the Powerhouse Science Center.

Home to Home™ helps pets

The Farmington Animal Shelter has added a new tool to help Four Corners pet owners who can no longer keep their pets find new, loving homes without having to surrender them to the shelter. Pets can go from one home to another, which means less stress for animals and humans. In addition, new owners can communicate directly with the current owners, providing firsthand information. Home to Home™ also connects pet owners who are seeking temporary housing for their pet with people who can provide short-term care. For info., go to home-home.org/shelter/fmtnanimal shelter or call 505-599-1098.