COMMENCEMENT 2020-Faculty Address

Recognizing and cultivating your strengths. Transcript of the 2020 faculty baccalaureate address by Mrs. Kim Bonica, English teacher and student advisor

WWelcome and congratulations to to your next steps as adults who are moving the role that they play in one’s success. family and friends and, most importantly, on to make your marks on the world. You However, are these elements alone the key to the Class of 2020! I know that today is have worked incredibly hard to get to this to achievement? What other components bittersweet for many of us, as we would milestone; you have faced many challenges, should we consider? Competitive spirit? prefer to celebrate this graduating class some successfully and some still a work in Intrinsic motivation? Self-confidence? as a community and a family, in person, progress, and now you are ready to apply Should we move forward independently but, like any family would, we have the lessons that life has taught you thus far with our eyes fixed squarely forward, or prioritized safety first. However, today’s about overcoming obstacles through effort should we use others as a measuring stick nontraditional ceremony does not diminish and determination. for our own progress? I think that it is the significance of your accomplishments, human nature, at any age, to look to our as we come to celebrate the completion of As a teacher, I value hard work and peers in order to evaluate ourselves and our your high school career and the transition intellectual curiosity, and I understand behavior, to some degree. While I do think

that there is something to be said about learning from the accomplishments and mistakes of those in our lives, though, in my experience, constantly looking to others in order to assess our progress isn’t the healthiest method of inspiring motivation. We all have our own individual strengths and weaknesses, our own pace, and our own path, and constant comparison can cloud our recognition of our accomplishments and strengths.

After many years pursuing my own education, pushing to stretch myself academically, when I picture the epitome of intellectual curiosity and promise, I immediately think of . . . my older sister. Now, referencing my sister’s performance instead of my own may not be what many of you were expecting, so let me provide some context. My sister, Kristen, is three and a half years older than me, but upon meeting us for the first time, many people ask if we are twins. Despite our clear physical resemblance and similarly sardonic sense of humor, however, we have wildly different personalities, interests, and strengths. Logical, structured, and somewhat rigid, Kristen can be guarded with folks she doesn’t know well, but she strives to make a positive impact on the world around her, routinely volunteering her time helping others, such as working with the Make-A-Wish Foundation or building houses for Habitat for Humanity. I, on the other hand, tend to improvise more often than not, have very few natural organizational skills and rely almost entirely on lists, reminders, and alerts on my phone and calendar in order to survive as an adult, and I am a veritable golden retriever with new people in small groups, just happy to be here! My sister is absolutely my best friend, but our differences are deeper than mere personality traits. From her very first year of life, Kristen has always been extraordinary, and my awareness of that has been deeply and personally impactful.

When I asked my mother when she first realized that Kristen was different from other children, she told me a story about one of my sister’s early pediatric appointments. While her doctor was measuring her head circumference to track “ Our strengths are not merely those skills in which we excel, but rather those skills that bring us joy.”

the fusion of her skull plates, a common practice for children in their first two years, Kristen quite casually began reading the numbers on the tape measure to him. Shortly after turning two, my sister decided that she wanted her own library card, since she felt that she had graduated from sharing one with my parents. My mother dutifully brought her to the public library, where the librarian informed my mom that the minimum age for card membership was five years. Kristen was not pleased, but the librarian insisted that card holders needed to be able to read in order to be issued a card, so my sister nonchalantly walked to the bookshelf, selected a Little Golden book, and read it to the librarian, who immediately issued her the card, which Kristen then signed, herself, since, doesn’t every toddler insist on writing her own name when she gets her first library card!?!?!?!?!

In addition to early reading, Kristen showed great aptitude for numbers and memory. My mom says that shopping with her could be daunting when she was little, as Kristen would routinely tell strangers the addresses, ages, birthdays, phone numbers, and social security numbers of family members, since she had them all memorized. These early milestones and other accelerated skills led to enrollment in gifted and talented programs, including summer elementary school classes where she would study other languages, chemistry, robotics, and other such academic pursuits that one would expect for the average third grader, right? When we moved to a new town, though, Kristen didn’t like that the gifted program there was actually a pull-out program and she would be responsible for the work missed in her regular classes, too, so she dropped the gifted program and settled for merely taking honors and advanced placement classes in high school, completing each with ease and earning As and Bs while rarely, if ever, bringing home a book.

Anyone with an older sibling, particularly if that sibling shares the same gender, knows that the elder is 100% the standard of normalcy to which we initially compare ourselves; I was no exception to this tendency, and the effects of this comparison were quite apparent from an early age. My parents, having only Kristen for reference, would frequently try to

engage me in the same sorts of enrichment activities that she had enjoyed at the same age. Needless to say, my experience with these ventures was significantly different. I would actively avoid even attempting pursuits in which Kristen had excelled, often to my own detriment, as this cut me off from exploring skills that I may actually have enjoyed. More significant, though, was the impact on my view of myself, as I quickly developed a pervasive, inaccurately pessimistic view of my own capabilities. For example, for the majority of my life, I have stated that I was a late bloomer in reading and that I initially struggled with the reading process. However, in chatting with my parents to find examples and anecdotes as I prepared to write this speech (I’m a writing teacher-research is EVERYTHING!), my mother informed me that I was a fluid reader around the age of three. I was absolutely stunned when she told me that I had actually been an early reader, just like my sister, but that because I hadn’t been child-prodigy-level early, I had internalized the idea that I had actually struggled as a reader and had been late to the game. Clearly, my reference point for what constituted success was somewhat skewed.

Making matters worse was the fact that my own strengths and my sister’s strengths were diametrically opposed. See, despite Kristen’s early reading prowess, her true gifts lay in science and math, whereas I excelled in humanities and art, and while I had shown initially good number sense, as I got older and math became more complicated, I began to have significant difficulty in this subject. This caused intense anxiety, which was exacerbated by my perception that my sister could easily master complex mathematical concepts. I simply could not visualize or follow multistep equations or complicated expressions, and when Kristen tried to help me with math homework, she would often mentally skip steps without realizing it, leading to total meltdowns on my part; in my estimation, this was explicit proof that I was absolutely, without a doubt, the stupid sibling. The fact that “To what degree do we continue to compare ourselves to others, and how does that truly impact us and our journeys in life?”

family members and folks who knew me well would routinely reassure me that I was, indeed, intelligent and capable fell on deaf ears; I pretty much figured it was their job to make me feel better about myself, even if it meant lying directly to my face.

While I went out of my way to avoid putting my full effort into any form of academic work, lest I try my hardest and still not stand up to Kristen’s capabilities, I did eventually excel in both English classes and visual arts. I quickly realized that these were relative weaknesses for my sister (well, English was a relative weakness…to this day, she still can’t draw anything more recognizable than a stick figure), and I did actually begin to push myself in these areas, with noticeably good results, such as inclusion in honors programs for English and writing. However, at the same time, I also developed a disconcerting habit of deflecting any form of recognition of my hard work or success. Compliments on a skillful piece of writing or successfully reading the room while completing a presentation would be brushed aside as “useless soft skills,” and whenever someone would remark favorably on my artwork, I would immediately respond by pointing out all of the elements of it that I felt didn’t measure up to my extremely talented cousin, who had actually attended art school. I simply couldn’t see what other people saw and, what’s worse, I completely devalued the things that I was good at, instead referring to them as mere trivialities instead of actual skills.

I was unable to see my strengths for what they were. In College Orientation, Mrs. Kelly teaches that our strengths are not merely those skills in which we excel, but rather those skills that bring us joy. Because I constantly used Kristen’s path to gauge the success of my own wildly different one, I denied myself recognition of my strengths and, therefore, full enjoyment and appreciation of them. This habit persisted through my college years when, upon graduating magna cum laude, I pointed out to a friend that I had only earned an English degree, not something “useful.” Because I spent so much time looking at Kristen, I couldn’t see myself. I really didn’t truly learn to appreciate and cultivate my strengths until I graduated from college and began teaching. For one thing, teaching at a school focused on educating students who often have language-based learning differences made me realize that many of

my students viewed reading and writing with the same anxiety that I held towards math. Additionally, I saw that a lot of my students had the same lack of confidence in their own abilities that I had experienced in school, and, much like me, it was clouding their ability to see, pursue, and truly appreciate their strengths. Soon I made it my mission to help my students find their potential, and also to, in some way, share my enjoyment in making connections through reading. In order to do that, I had to figure out how to help them learn the process of making those connections and choose books that reflected their interests and personalities . . . you know, making use of those “pointless soft skills” that I am so good at? Additionally, I have focused on taking kids who remind me of myself, who avoid putting in full effort because they fear that the result won’t measure up, and helping them to realize that they are far more capable than they think, that they can actually do the things that I am asking them to do. Some of my most rewarding moments as a teacher have been when alumni return after their first year of college to inform me that the freshman writing requirement wasn’t so bad, after all.

Over the years, I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, as well. Children and teens are in the process of growing and exploring who they will become as adults, and that process often includes adopting some of the habits of the adults with whom they spend a good deal of their time. I would frequently chide my students about self-deprecating “humor” or negative self-talk, but I would consistently engage in that very behavior, myself. I realized that, in order to best model healthy behavior for my students, I would have to change my own habits and mindset. I started actively monitoring my own speech patterns for instances where I discounted my own skills or worth, seeking to avoid those moments and instead to take ownership of my value. Not only did this provide a positive influence for the kids in my class, but it also truly helped me heal some of the damage I had done to my own self-worth. “Don’t fall victim to the tendency to use that comparison as the measure for your own worth.”

Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and this statement really strikes me on a deep level. To what degree do we continue to compare ourselves to others, and how does that truly impact us and our journeys in life? Where is the line between checking our own progress versus losing our identity and worth? It may be tempting to compare ourselves with those around us, but I say that this is a habit that we must break, because everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and everyone’s journey is different, with different challenges and successes. What is easy for some may be challenging for others, but we often forget that there is not a single person who doesn’t stumble somewhere along the way. When I was a child, I would frequently tell my mother that I would never be as smart as Kristen, and she would unfailingly reply, “No, you will be as smart as Kimberlee.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was completely right. By focusing on what I perceived to be lacking in myself, I denied myself the opportunity to recognize and enjoy who I was and what I could actually accomplish.

So what does this have to do with graduating and heading off to your new adventure, you may ask. Well, you are about to enter uncharted waters for yourself, meeting new people and becoming part of a totally new community. You are leaving your family and your safe space behind, and the temptation to immediately begin comparing yourself to the people you meet will be overwhelming. When we are unsure of ourselves, we often look to others to see how to proceed. Don’t fall victim to the tendency to use that comparison as the measure for your own worth. While I fully recognize that it is not realistic to assume that every single one of you will blaze a shining path of extroversion and independence straight out of the gate, I urge you all to move forward with the confidence that you and your strengths have value. You are intelligent. You are hardworking. You are enough. When you falter or lose your way, look back at the struggles that you have overcome and know that you are fully capable and ready to take on more challenges. Don’t fall into a pattern of doubt, negative self-talk, and dismissing your successes. You are celebrating your graduation today, not as some fluke of luck, but through your own strength, intelligence, and determination. These are the capabilities that you have cultivated and which will carry you through to success in the next stages of your life.