Vol. 14 Issue 30: April Fools' Issue by Eagle News

OUTREACH:

ENTERTAINMENT:

OPINION:

The race for the cure

Students must take drug test before ﬁnals

Hillary Clinton ﬁnally wins over the young vote with new campaign

Netflix and Hil

Piss to pass

Senioritis

Read more on B1

Dear readers, Well, we’re back. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, the time where we set fire to the journalism rulebooks and ignore the laws of physics for your entertainment. It’s our annual April Fools’ issue. What does that mean? That means nothing in this issue is true. We give to you, the reader, 16 pages of satirical news, entertainment, sports, opinion and outreach articles. Let me say that again for the people in the back: none of the stories in this issue are actually true. Instead, you can find the real news at eaglenews.org — you know, that two-time award-winning website we don’t have? That one. So, why do we spend one week coming up with 16 pages of satirical content in addition to our usual quantity of online daily content, other jobs, homework and our lives? To show the readers that journalists aren’t just kids with MacBooks and free time. We work hard to bring you unbiased and accurate news that the FGCU community needs to know. Our stories could be this wrong. So, sit back, relax and try not to take this too seriously. Enjoy, Kelli Krebs Editor-in-chief

SN Illustration/Chevy Rapper Kanye West has been chosen as the next FGCU president.

FGCU appoints Kanye as new president By Tyler Greham Overachieving freshman @TylerGreham The Presidential Search Committee’s job came to an unexpected end on Monday March 28 when they announced that rapper Kanye West will be appointed the university’s next president. “After much deliberation, we have chosen Mr. West to lead FGCU after President Bradshaw retires,” Board of Trustees chair Dudley Goodlette said. “We admire his skills both in the studio and in the

>> Continued on A2

Bradshaw demands sweatpants-only dress code By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes After announcing his upcoming retirement in summer 2017, FGCU President Wilson Bradshaw made several announcements pertaining to his final year as the university president. The nine-year president announced that he will require all meetings — including Board of Trustees meetings — to have a mandatory pajama dress code, which will be strictly enforced by the FGCU hockey team. “It’s so stressful in those meetings,” Bradshaw said. “Now imagine, instead of wearing an uncomfortable suit and tie, you’re hanging out in an oversized tie-dye shirt and paint-stained sweatpants — FGCU sweatpants, of course.” When asked about if

there was a certain level of professionalism to the level of “pajamas” or if the dress code did not count oversized, stained or old high school shirts from the 70s, Bradshaw responded, “Nah, bruh.” Unlike many retirees, who infamously retire, pack up their lives and move to Florida, Bradshaw admitted that he plans to break the status quo and retire “here.” Seagull News looked up “Here” and could not find any location by that name on the world map. After taking his required one-year sabbatical following his departure as president, where he will travel to Mumbai and Cozumel to “find himself,” Bradshaw will return in the fall of 2018 to teach a yoga course. “I think it’s important to meditate,” Bradshaw said

>> Continued on A5

Seagull News runs for SG By Casey Deeya Bath Bomb Editor @CaseyDeeya Shortly after The Nest was chosen as the new representative party of FGCU’s Student Government, the university’s media group Seagull News responded with its plan to campaign for the 2017-18 academic year. The Seagull News party will consist of president Kelli Krebs, vice president Emily Ford, treasurer Nina Barbero, secretary Madi Hampton and the party’s senators. Seagull News’ platform includes bringing back 18 cents per credit hour funding to the student media group, a “feed the college students” program for students too lazy to buy a meal plan and too scared to ask their parents for any more money, the return of the readership program with Naples Daily News, USA Today, Wall Street Journal

>> Continued on A4 SN Photo/Kelli Krepes President Wilson Bradshaw will be implementing a new dress code for campus meetings.

FGCU shuttles to pimp out their rides for fall 2016 By Rodrika Fries The Zombie Writer @TheRealCatwoman54 FGCU has approved a budget of $1.3 million to pimp out the shuttles on campus. The FGCU shuttles have

INSIDE:

been in serious disrepair for two years, but FGCU has put off repairing them due to budget cuts after putting up the new sign at the school’s entrance. But, due to complaints about the aesthetics of the shuttles, the university has

Entertainment and Lifestyle.....A6 Sports............................................B1 Opinion..........................................B6 Outreach.......................................B8

decided to take action. “They used to tell us to just play music that the kids will like, so it would distract them from the bad stuff,” said John Doe, a former shuttle driver. “But, at some point, students started realizing that there were

no seatbelts, windows were missing and that we never had gas in our shuttles.” “You can play the music as loud as you want, but people are still going to notice the smell of burning rubber when you’re riding on busted tires,” said Tyler

Glass, a junior at FGCU. Concern for student safety has prompted a remodel of the shuttles after a benefactor donated $20 million to the university. The new plan includes a stereo speaker with surround sound, real

leather seats, carpet floors, new paint, 20-inch gold rims, Bluetooth capabilities

>> Continued on A3

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The world in brief Prince Harry spotted with camo; releases clothing line Moose wins presidential bid A moose residing in Kaktovik, Alaska has won a presidential bid. He will be running as an independent. The town, which has a population of 246, raved to the press about the animal during a press conference held on Tuesday, March 29. The moose declined to comment.

Prince Harry was finally spotted after being reportedly missing for three days. He was found at a Nando’s covered head-to-toe in camo. After going back to Buckingham Palace, he announced that he will be releasing a clothing line consisting of just camo patterns. He stated in an interview that the fabric gave him three days of peace and quiet away from his royal duties, and everyone deserves a chance to get away from it all.

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Obama and Castro share hot dog U.S. President Barack Obama and Cuban President Fidel Castro bought a hot dog during a recent baseball game in Havana. They then shared the hot dog, posing for pictures taken by those attending the game. According to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, this was an attempt to demonstrate that the U.S. and Cuba are “bros” now.

North Korea announces change of national anthem

Kangaroo wins kickboxing national championship

North Korea has changed their national anthem to “Gangnam Style” by Korean singer Psy. North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-Un declined to comment. Instead, he ordered his henchmen to blast the song from a boombox off of his balcony every half hour.

A kangaroo named Boomerang went to the Australian National Kickboxing Championships in Canberra, Australia on Tuesday, March 29 and brought home the gold. He defeated the 2015 champion Freddy Roundhouse, who did not take the loss too well, telling the Canberra Times that “it was rigged” and he wanted a rematch.

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>> Kanye continued from A1 office.” Bradshaw, whose term as president will end June 30 2017, is pleased with his predecessor. “The Life of Pablo is my jam,” Bradshaw said. “Perhaps Mr. West’s time at FGCU will inspire him to make more music.” West, who jokingly announced that he was running for president in 2020 during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards, decided to apply for the position

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ABOUT US: Eagle News, founded in 1997, is the student newspaper at Florida Gulf Coast University. The newspaper is the only student produced publication on campus and is entirely student run. Eagle News is published weekly during the fall and spring semesters and monthly in the summer, with the exception of holiday breaks and examination periods. Eagle News can be found on campus and in the community and online daily at eaglenews.org.

By Yimeena Table Honduras Editor @tableyimeena A new zombie hunting program will be incorporated to the FGCU College of Health Professions and Social Work in fall 2017, a spokeswoman announced Wednesday, March 30. “Our world is evolving very fast,” FGCU spokeswoman Susan Evans said. “We want our students to get these invaluable skills, so they can be ready for the future. It would be great

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“Personally I’m a Travis Scott fan.” West will become the university’s fourth president and has reportedly already began asking for outlandish demands such as around-the-clock butlers as well as a new wing in the bookstore designated strictly for Yeezy merchandise. West announced that he will also push for several new classes to be taught throughout the school year such as “Why George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People 101,” “How to Avoid Debt, Twitter Beef and Other

Personal Disasters,” and the newest addition to the FGCU journalism program, “How to Get Emotional Over Fonts.” Former members of the committee are hoping that their decision will benefit administration as well as the student body. “Perhaps his unorthodox attitude will whip some students into shape,” committee chair Ken Smith said. “I’m counting on Mr. West to boost retention rates, but first he has to put his new album on Spotify.”

FGCU announces new zombie hunting major to see one of our own FGCU alums defeat zombies during an apocalypse.” Any student who wants to major in zombie hunting will be required to apply for the program during the last semester of their sophomore year. The program will have limited space. Seventy students will be accepted every semester, so it will be competitive. “We’re excited to provide this new opportunity for students,” said Mitchell Cordova, the dean of the College of Health Professions and Social Work.

“We’ve already received multiple calls about it. Some of them were interested students, and some of them were concerned parents, naturally.” To apply, students will be required to take every single biology and chemistry course the university offers. Once in the program, students will take courses such as “Spotting Zombies 101” and “Using Creativity Against the Undead.” The senior seminar will be a defense course taught by UPD Chief Steven Moore. “I’m excited to teach about

the proper incisions on the throats of the zombies and how to sharpen your knives,” Moore said. Cordova said he hopes FGCU will build a special laboratory to dissect the zombies and a field where students can practice. “Hopefully, the program will continue to grow physically and academically,” Cordova said. “I’d love to see a science course about exactly how zombies come back to life someday.”

UPD to face new fitness standards

One copy of the print edition is free anyone, but limited one per reader. Newspaper theft is a crime. It is also a terribly effective form of censorship. While most college newspapers are distributed without charge, they are certainly not “free.”

after deciding that he should start small before running for a chance at the Oval Office. “I know I could win in 2020 but my publicist advised that I should see how I would fare at a university,” West said. “This is the first stop on my journey to world domination.” Members of Faculty Senate have mixed feelings about the decision made by the committee, who have now disbanded. “I think that Kanye peaked during My Dark Twisted Fantasy,” Faculty Senate president Shawn Felton said.

By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes On Monday, the FGCU Board of Trustees approved the new fitness standards for the University Police Department that were proposed by the Coalition of University

Operations Safety and Other Important Issues. The new standards were created in an effort to cut down crime on campus, focusing on UPD’s biggest combatants — longboarders and alligators. “We’re currently working on a sting operation to round up all the rogue alligators and

longboarders on campus,” FGCU chief of police Steven Moore said. “We can’t reveal details, except that we’re initiating a new fitness test, but I can tell you that we will rid the university of all wildlife.” The new fitness test will require UPD officers to eat seven donuts in one minute, run 100-yards in two minutes

and chug an entire can of Diet Mountain Dew. “We originally were going to have them run a mile in a half an hour,” CUOSOII chairman Derek Zoolanding said. “But, we figured that was too rigorous.”

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Eagle Hall confirmed to be haunted By Rodrika Fries The Zombie Writer @TheRealCatwoman54 On March 28, FGCU authorities confirmed that South Village dorm Eagle Hall is haunted. After Eagle Hall was constructed in 2014, residents of the dorm reported hearing strange occurrences throughout the building. “I used to hear someone running down the hall every night at 3 a.m.,” said Johnny McGee, a sophomore at FGCU. “But, when you looked out there, no one was there.” Other residents reported hearing doors slam, objects being thrown

and the motion sensor lights going off in rooms where no one was present. Concerned for the safety of students, FGCU recruited a team of ghost busters who confirmed Eagle Hall is, in fact, haunted. “We went in there thinking that it was just going to be another case of old floor boards and drafts, but then, we found there really was a ghost,” said Brian Spectre, head of the People’s Office of Paranormal Stuff. Spectre and his team spent hours contacting the resident ghost of Eagle Hall and discovered the ghost was that of a student from 20 years ago, who had

mysteriously disappeared on the nature trail. “Her story is really sad,” Spectre said. “But, she’s actually not all that bad. She just really likes Eagle Hall, and she loves playing pranks on people.” After the discovery, residents of Eagle Hall have begun to call the resident ghost “Deb” and have even given her her own room to make her feel more at home. “The hauntings haven’t stopped, but it’s good to know it’s just Deb playing with us, rather than some creepy ghost,” freshman Stacy Boo said. “Now, I can sleep easier at night.” SN Photo/Tyler Greham Concerned for the safety of students, FGCU recruited a team of ghost busters who confirmed Eagle Hall is, in fact, haunted.

Billionaire author J.K. Rowling to visit FGCU; announces new movie and book By Reginald Skeeter Magic Reporter @beetle_skeeter21

Special to Seagull News British author J.K. Rowling, best known for penning the Harry Potter books, will be visiting FGCU this fall.

>> Shuttles continued from A1

and disco lights to entertain riders. FGCU spokesperson Aileen Nobodi said the

repairs should be enough to quiet complaints and help students ride in style. “We are also hoping

The creator of the Harry Potter book series is planning an American university tour to promote two upcoming projects that she is associated with — a new Broadway show, which is said to be the official eighth story of Harry Potter, and a new movie, coming this November. The September university tour was announced on Rowling’s website, Pottermore.com, on Tuesday. “J.K. Rowling is planning to reconnect with her maturing audience through a seven-city tour,” the announcement read. “Seven universities have been selected by Ms. Rowling herself, based on geographic location, relevant courses offered at the school and overall fan activity.”

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” the first novel in the series, was released in 1998 here in the U.S. The series was known to have grown up with a generation. Most of the children who grew up reading the books and watching the films are now young adults at the collegiate level. The amount of Quidditch teams around the country is a testament to the impact the novels have had. Rowling has been credited with doing more for children’s literature than anyone else in the past 100 years. To celebrate and show appreciation to her aging fan base, Rowling will hold events that focus on creative writing, the filmmaking process, the publishing industry and her two upcoming projects. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” is a two-part play that will exclusively

play at London’s West End, starting in July 2016. But, to satiate fans around the world, the play’s screenplay will be released in print form on July 31. A spinoff of the Harry Potter film series, called “Fantastic Beasts,” will be released on Nov. 18. Rowling wrote the screenplay for the film and is also one of its producers. So, get your wands ready, mark your calendars with your quills and send owls to your friends to let them know J.K. Rowling will be at FGCU on September 15. Starting in August, seven horcruxes will be placed around campus. These horcruxes will create an online code that will allow a student to receive a ticket to a “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” reading and signing. Happy horcrux hunting!

that the remodel will bring in more students,” Nobodi said. “I don’t know where the

university will house them, but we will figure it out. It’ll be great.” Remodeling starts the

summer of 2016 and will be completed in the fall.

Coming soon: Investigative pieces from Seagull News — Frat bro bumps into another bro, immediately ensures ‘No homo’

— Florida Gov. Rick Scott asks Yale to come over, gets friend-zoned

— Florida man accidentally knocks himself out while dabbing

— UN travels to North Korea to check on citizens’ welfare, N. Korea responds ‘No one’s home’

— Man forgets to RSVP to 2014 party, continues to toss and turn at night with guilt

— Freshman with no arms and no legs armed and on the run

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SoVi to serve recycled food in an attempt to decrease waste By Tyler Greham Overachieving freshman @TylerGreham SoVi Dining, FGCU’s only on-campus dining hall located in freshman housing complex South Village, will be implementing a new program to diminish the amount of waste created by students who discard uneaten food starting this summer. “We have about a million pounds of wasted food a day,” FGCU Dining Marketing Coordinator Jarrett Simpson said. “At this point, we have more trash than actual food, so why not use it again?” SoVi’s system includes a revolving set of trays where students can place plates and cups once they are finished eating. The

trays then travel to the other side of the wall, where employees discard uneaten food and wash dishes. The new system will have employees scoop out the uneaten food and put it back on clean plates, thus saving resources and reducing the amount of waste created by SoVi dining. New dishes will also be served with the start of this program, like “mystery meat surprise,” “garbage soup” and “putrid pita dip.” “Employees already serve food that they spit in and drop on the floor so this system will work wonders,” freshman and SoVi cashier Bridget McCreedy said. “Our jobs would be a lot easier, too. After we close at midnight, we can just clean the dining area and go home instead

of having to prep more food.” The system will begin on May 9 which marks the start of the summer A semester. “This will be beneficial to not only SoVi employees, but students as well,” Simpson said. “Our food is already the lowest quality possible, so serving discarded waste back to guests isn’t going to be that much of a difference.” Some students are concerned with the change, and believe that it will be harmful to their health. “I already get sick almost every time I eat there,” freshman Sierra Stevens said. “I suppose this change won’t be much different but recycling food seems pretty disgusting. This is a new low for SoVi.”

SN Photo/Tyler Greham SoVi will start its new system in time for summer A, reusing thrown-out food.

Your monthly horoscope By Rodrika Fries The Zombie Writer @TheRealCatwoman54

month promises to be a challenge for you if you don’t learn to multitask. Libra

Aries As the weather warms up, you’re hoping to find love this spring, Aries, but with the sun lining up with nothing this month, it looks like you’ll be out of luck.

You are the king/queen of relaxing (aka procrastinating). This month will be a hard one to get through if you don’t get things moving now. Don’t wait until the last minute to start those final projects, or you will regret it. Scorpio

Taurus With the coming of spring, Taurus let loose, but now, it’s time to rein things in. Spring break is over, so take the time to buckle down and reflect on the past. You may find some interesting things on YouTube. Gemini Gemini is a great multitasker. You excel in getting things done better and faster than anyone else. Put those skills to use, and clean your room. You’ll thank yourself later. Cancer Family is most important to you, Cancer, so take the time to reach out to them, especially your parents. You will want to build a solid relationship with them that will come in handy after they see your grades at the end of the semester.

You are usually full of energy, Scorpio, but with the planets and sun lining up with absolutely nothing this month, you may find that your energy has disappeared. Find motivation in the little things. Sagittarius Sagittarians love a challenge, and that’s exactly what this month will be for you. With final projects coming up, take care to stay ahead of the herd or fall way behind. Capricorn You are a fighter, and you never give up. Unfortunately, the new moon serves as a bad omen for you this month. Be prepared to write, take some survivalist classes and try to avoid suspicious alleyways and graveyards where zombies could be roaming. Aquarius

Leo You are the bravest and most creative of the signs. You strive to bring positivity to everything you do. With a huge deadline looming in the future, use those skills to pass or to create a great backup plan. Virgo You are a busy bee this month, Virgo. You strive to keep busy by adding more things to your plate, but be aware of how much you can handle. This

This month promises to bring love and prosperity for you, Aquarius. Just kidding. You’ll have as much luck finding love this month as you will finding a needle in a haystack. Pisces Pisces, you are full of emotion, and you feel things with your entire being. Beware, others can see right through your charade. Your tears won’t help bring up your GPA.

SN Illustration/Chevy

>> Seagull News continued from A1 and

New

York

Times,

Nursing student attacks loud pen clicker in library

turtle lanes on all FGCU roadways and “panchos” for everyone. When Seagull News asked president Thieldens

Elneus how he would begin preparing for next election year, he responded, “No comment.” While Seagull News

prepares for the election, it has decided to double dip and reuse its newspaper logo as its campaign logo. “It’s like comic sans,”

By Isit Mayfirstyet Somehow I Manage Editor @senioritis2016 A senior nursing student at FGCU attacked an English major for clicking his pen too loudly in the library Tuesday night. The student, Jacqueline Hubble, told Seagull News she “doesn’t remember what happened.” “I guess I’ve been pretty stressed lately,” Hubble said. “I was just trying to study for Critical Care, but this guy kept talking to his friend about ‘Hamlet’ and clicking his pen. I asked him to stop, but he said something about how hard it is to be an English major. And, I just got so angry.” Hubble said she isn’t sure what happened next, but the University Police report indicates another student had to pull her off of junior Richard Donne, whom Hubble was striking in the head with a no-skid tennis shoe. “I just don’t understand why he was on the third floor if he was going to be talking,” Hubble said. “Can’t he read? It’s a quiet study area.” Hubble said she usually studies at the Starbucks in Gulf Coast Town Center, but it has recently been overrun by engineering students. So, she was forced to relocate. She noticed the Starbucks on campus was full of loud journalism students on MacBooks, so she tried the library instead. Donne, who sustained no serious injuries, did not wish to comment on the incident, but told

said Seagull News campaign manager Rachel Stroeker, “it just screams ‘fun.’” Krebs’ party has

Seagull News to look for his version of the story in his upcoming memoirs, “What can you do? The life of an English graduate.” “I think people don’t understand how deeply sensitive my students are,” said FGCU professor Karen Tolchin, a renowned Harry Potter scholar. “People majoring in high-intensity programs such as engineering and finance seem to turn up their noses at English majors, but my students are stressed out, too. On top of knowing everything and having to constantly share their opinions with everyone, they have to worry about finding a job after graduation.” Director of the School of Nursing Anne Nolan said the School of Nursing will not penalize Hubble academically for the incident and laughed for five minutes when she heard what had happened. University Police Chief Steven Moore said these kinds of incidents are common toward the end of the spring semester. “You have students under a lot of pressure to graduate and do well on their finals and practicums,” Moore said. “These outbursts happen earlier and earlier every year, usually among students who actually have to put effort into their courses.” Hubble’s case was referred to the Division of Student Affairs, where it is unlikely she will receive any kind of punishment ever.

adopted the motto, “Make FGCU great again.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS NEWS A3

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Gov. Scott reveals that Trump is his horcrux By Stroecker, I don’t even know her Internet Wizard @internetwizard In light of his recent endorsement of Donald Trump for president, Florida Gov. Rick Scott admitted that he relies on the presidential hopeful to do more than “make America great again.”

Scott, who has already served multiple terms for crimes committed under his alias, Voldemort, revealed this week that Trump is one of his seven horcruxes. This means that Trump contains a piece of Scott’s soul and is one of the keys to the selfproclaimed Dark Lord’s immortality.

>> Bradshaw continued from A1 of his upcoming 150-seat course. “For me,

At a press conference, Scott was described to be speaking in “incomprehensible hissing and rasping” that was translated by a wizard as, “He is the chosen one.” This has been assumed by analysts to imply Scott’s endorsement of Trump’s presidency. Previous research has left some to speculate

I meditate and think about all the money that I saved the students by switching to Bradshaw. Tuition freezes, new environmental programs and the clean air

that Scott’s remaining horcruxes may be scattered around the state of Florida, with hiding spots suggested in the Everglades, the fan that shut down the 2015 debate against Charlie Crist and the backyard of his childhood home. Others suspect that hidden locks of his hair may also contain a fraction of his soul.

Rachael Yakavonee, the head of Florida’s initiative to locate the six remaining horcruxes, said that the search has only been intensified by the news of Trump’s involvement. “We are using all of the tools at our disposal,” Yakavonee said, though she refused to say Scott’s pseudonym aloud. “We plan to destroy every piece

initiative are just some of my many, many accomplishments that I like to sit and chew on.” Rumors are flying around that

we find, but we’re not sure how to handle the Trump situation just yet. I mean, I’m not about going to jail for murder or anything.” What a Trump presidency would mean for the Dark Lord is yet to be determined.

Bradshaw will either be teaching a Hawaiian Shirts 101 Course or launching his own line of Tommy Bahama shirts, but we don’t care enough to investigate.

Bat Beat

Batgirl sends her reports to Seagull News every week Justice is served Someone reported a group of suspicious teenagers hanging around the clock tower at 11:23 p.m. on March 20. When I went to investigate, they presented me with a cake that said “justice” on it. It was nice that they remembered my birthday. That night, justice was served (with ice cream). Mysterious light A complainant turned on the Bat Signal at 10:23 p.m., March 23 to report seeing strange lights on the Nature Trail. When I went to investigate, I

found Nightwing throwing his own personal rave. I requested that he quit with the shenanigans and called it a night. Apocalypse avoided At 2:35 p.m, on March 23, I received a tip from a concerned student that the nursing department on campus was researching how to reprogram a human brain after death. I quickly shut down the research facility and set fire to their work. Zombie apocalypse avoided. Spider incident A North Lake resident

complained about a spider being found in her room at 9:23 a.m, on March 24. I threw a batarang at it, missed, and it ran behind her bed. Two hours later, we couldn’t find it, so I moved all residents to a different hall and demolished the building. Situation handled. Drug case I stood by at 6:38 p.m., March 24 while paramedics treated a student suffering from the FGCU Clown’s laughing gas in Building S at North Lake Village. The housing administrator later found 12 jars of laughing gas

labeled for distribution. The clown has claimed another victim, but I’m onto him. Strange light At 12:52 a.m. on March 25, a complainant turned on the Bat Signal to report another set of strange lights on the Nature Trail. I investigated to find Nightwing and Superman throwing a rave together. Nightwing has been kicked off the Bat team, and Superman got away. Illegal walking I spotted a student jay walking across the street

from North Lake Village to Sudgen Hall at 12:23 p.m. on March 26. I threw a batarang at his leg and broke it. He won’t be jay walking again. Suspicious person A complainant reported at 6:28 p.m on March 26, that a suspicious old man was running past Lutgert Hall. When I went to investigate, the man kept running and resisted being questioned. He then proceeded to outrun me and disappeared somewhere in the woods near South Village. I was unable to find him.

Illuminati spotted At 9:23 p.m. on March 26, a complainant reported hearing strange sounds coming from the parking lot near Sugden Hall. Upon investigating, I noticed a light at the top of the garage and followed it to where a group of people in black hoods were chanting over a fire. I caught a glimpse of one of the members and recognized her as Beyoncé. When I moved to intervene, the group suddenly vanished. Illuminati confirmed.

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Adderall, busted Students must take drug test before finals By Jenny Twice From the block @Jaynies_Journal We’ve come to a point in the semester where students are pulling their hair out in preparation for finals. FGCU student Sky Walker, on the other hand, isn’t nervous at all. “I’ve got finals taken care of,” Walker said. Walker winked, as he opened his palm, revealing two little orange pills. Walker went on to explain his master plan of popping “half an addy” each night of the week leading up to finals. Then, he would pop one whole pill right before starting his major tests. Unfortunately for Walker, there will be ramifications for using illegal drugs to enhance test performance this year. This year, upon entering the testing site, students are required to submit to a saliva-based as well as a

urine drug test. The drug tests will be conducted using mouth swabs. The swabs will be labeled with the student’s first and last name as well as his or her UIN and the CRN for the designated test. “There’s no way that’s legal,” Walker said. The drug testing will take place despite Walker’s opinion on the legality of the matter. “I rely on this money for books for next semester,” FGCU student Jason Pollen said. Pollen has a prescription for Adderall. He has never been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but he said he was able to get a prescription very easily by telling his doctor he had trouble focusing in school. “I started taking it at home by myself; it was a lot easier to read my history books that way,” Pollen said. “But, then, my roommate asked me for one.” After selling his

roommate a pill, word spread like wildfire. “Next thing I know, I’m making $15 a pill and selling my whole bottle before it’s time for my next script,” Pollen said. Pollen is legitimately concerned that his profit will decline when word gets out about the pre-exam drug tests. However, Pollen’s pocket is not the only thing hurting from this new policy. Apparently, failing these drug tests can lead to steep punishments. If you fail the drug test, you fail the class. “I’m just a hair away from failing anyways,” FGCU student Tamara Morrow said. “At least, if I take the Adderall, I have a chance of passing my final and getting a C in my class.” Morrow feels that the only chance she has to pass her final is to “enhance” her studying habits. “When I take addy, I feel like I can teach myself anything,” Morrow said.

On the flipside, another student, June Brighton, thinks that this is a great idea. “If I can pass my finals without drugs, so can anyone else,” Brighton said. Brighton actually has ADHD. He took prescription medications such as Adderall throughout all of high school. Brighton said that he hated taking the pills; he tried a variety of different performance-enhancement drugs, including Adderall, but all of them just made him feel strung-out. “I’ve been off my pills for, like, three years now, and my school performance has been so much better,” Brighton said. “Hopefully, this will scare kids from using those awful pills, and they can focus on actually studying rather than finding drugs.”

Special to Seagull News Students will be tested for Adderall and other study enhancement drugs before finals this spring.

Dorm food delivery SoVi to begin delivering meals to North Lake and South Village buildings By Klaudia Baloony Doesn’t even go here @ByKlaudiaBaloony It’s one of those days. Your will for moving stops at turning from left to right in bed and reaching for the remote to switch on the TV. But, you’re starving, and the only thing you have in your dorm kitchen is cereal and way too little milk to even think about eating it. SoVi sounds like a great idea, and just by thinking of it, your stomach growls. But, your body says, “It’s too far. I don’t want to move.” Good news is,

starting in April, you don’t have to. SoVi announced March 28 that it will deliver meals to South Lake and North Lake dorms starting April 1. Catering director Richard Parham said food delivery from SoVi would bring about several advantages. “It will open up new job opportunities for students as delivery people,” Praham said. “And, it will also make the SoVi crowd smaller, more manageable.” Praham said FGCU Dining is looking to hire five students at first and

will see how they can handle the orders. Students can order meals from fgcu. campusdish.com, a website where all on-campus dining options are listed. However, only SoVi meals are being delivered. By clicking on the SoVi dining menu, students can see a variety of items available for breakfast, lunch and dinner, check what they prefer to have and pay online for the services. The estimated delivery time may vary depending on the time of the day,

but Praham said they will work toward a maximum of 30-minute delivery time after the order has been placed. Students are very excited about the dorm delivery and can’t wait to place their first order. “This is such a great idea; it’s about time to announce it,” said Carol Little, a freshman resort and hospitality major. “It’s happened to me so many times that I was in the zone studying but couldn’t go any longer without food, so I had to take a 30- to 45-minute break to go eat

at SoVi. This will make my life so much easier.” There is a $2 delivery fee; however, Eagle Dollars are accepted. Sophomore business major Daniel Stevens said his parents put a lot of money on his Eagle ID, but he hardly used it throughout the semester. So, food delivery will be a good way to spend it. “I will not leave my dorm for food for the rest of the semester,” Stevens said. “I have so many leftover Eagle Dollars that I could have breakfast, lunch and dinner delivered

every day, which is perfect, especially that finals are coming up.” This is the first time FGCU Dining is offering food delivery to the dorms and apartments on campus, so it will see how it catches on with students. “We chose to get started at the end of the semester to test it,” Praham said. “So, we can make whatever changes are necessary to bring a flawless service to students in fall 2016.”

Local high school to replace FGCU game day band By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheRealKrepes After being mistaken for Hofstra University’s band in the wrong student section at Monday night’s WNIT game, a local high school’s drumline will replace the FGCU gameday band. Naples public high school Barron Collier will begin playing at home and away basketball games, effective immediately, according to FGCU Athletics. “We’ll take being confused for a collegiate

band any day,” tweeted the Collier County Schools’ Twitter account. For some reason, a school district has a Twitter account. The switch is attributed to the highly competitive nature of college bands versus high school. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there,” FGCU band director Troy Jones said. “I’m just happy it’s going to the better band.” Although the drumline consists only of drums and cymbals, Barron Collier’s drumline is confident that they can figure out ways to still perform “Hey Song,”

which is very popular among the older fans, and Pharrell’s “Happy.” Like most high school students, Barron Collier’s drumline members are excited, but too cool to show it. “Well, it’s extending my curfew,” BCHS drumline captain Don Tare said. “But, I’m just doing this, so I have more extracurriculars on my college applications.” Barron Collier will hold tryouts for FGCU students that are interested in remaining on the game day band. EN Photo / Kelli Krepes Drumline at Barron Collier High School will play at home and away FGCU basketball games effective immediately.

EDITOR: KLAUDIA BALOGH ENTERTAINMENT@EAGLENEWS.ORG

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS E & L A7

‘Half Life 3’ actually confirmed

FEED YOUR EARS

A playlist by the Eagle News staff April Fool’s Day

It’s a ‘cataclysmic crossover of the entire Valve universe’

By Aryu Stilthere Resident ginger @AStrawww

“Fool” songs 1. “Just A Fool” - Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton 2. “Foolish” - Ashanti 3. “Nobody’s Fool” - Avril Lavigne 4. “Party Up” - DMX 5. “No Role Models” - J Cole 6. “Fortunate Fool” - Jack Johnson 7. “These foolish things” - Rod Stewart 8. “Did I Fool Ya?” - Jason Mraz 9. “Fool” - Shakira 10. “Fool In Love” Rihanna

Follow EagleNews on Spotify

Valve god Gabe Newell has finally come forward in an act of benevolence for the gaming community. The long-awaited third installment to the legendary Half Life series is finally coming in 2020. “We hope that gamers will finally stop chewing our ears about it,” Newell said. “We get it; you want ‘Half-Life 3.’” “Half-Life 3” will skip “Half-Life 2: Episode 3” altogether, revamping the 2007 series with a brand new adventure from the eyes of D0g, Alyx’s loyal robot companion, leading the charge of the story from a whopping two-foot perspective. Alyx

Azul the Eagle under fire by the Eagle Protection Act By Julia Brownie Snack intern FGCU sets plans in place to change its mascot after coming under scrutiny by the Eagle Protection Act for the “offensive costume.” “The proportions of the costume are just all wrong,” said Mark Matthews, the spokesperson of the EPA. “The beak is too big.

He doesn’t have enough feathers, and an eagle would never even wear a jersey.” Protesters gathered on campus with picket signs declaring, “Azul the eagle does NOT fly with us,” “Hell no, Azul must go” and many more. “People think it’s not cultural appropriation just because eagles can’t communicate with us, but

deep down, they know. They aren’t around to be offended; someone’s got to be offended for them,” said one of the many protestors, who requested not to be named. The mascot is set to change by the end of April to a much more appropriate and politically correct, “Azul, the regular person.”

and Gordon will reprise their roles in a cataclysmic crossover of the entire Valve universe. The trio will go on a wild trip of thinking with portals to bring down the Borealis once and for all. Black Mesa has been left in the dust, and the real threat now is their biggest rival, Aperture Science. In a journey of bending time, space and the fourth wall, the trio will make their way to victory with the help of some unlikely friends — ATLAS and P-Body, as well as the gritty gang from N’awlins. Will GLaDOS complete her testing? Is the cake still a lie? Will we ever see the day of “Left for Dead 3”? Is D0g going to die? The world will finally get these answers and

more in 2020. The famed Sierra sci-fi first-person shooter will be making its triumphant return as a Steam exclusive. Currently, there are no plans to take the game to any other platforms but will launch with

what Newell has referred to as “the greatest Steam sale in history” and will be the first game on Steam to implement paid mods completely from launch day.

FGCU faces lawsuit over alma mater song It sounds suspiciously like ‘N Sync’s ‘Bye Bye Bye’ By Alexis McGregor Stuck in the 90s @allieethatgirl RCA Records, an American flagship recording label of Sony Music Entertainment, filed a lawsuit against FGCU in early March over the melody of the alma mater song, “Where Our Wings Will Take Us.” The record label claims that parts of the song and the overall tune bear a striking resemblance to smash group ‘N Sync’s mega-hit “Bye Bye Bye.” The lawsuit states that the lines “So fly, fly, fly, Eagles” and the accompanying harmony is a direct rip off of the ‘N Sync lyric “Baby, bye, bye, bye.” RCA Records is suing

Photo by Linvwood Ferguson Due to the costume’s proportions and offensive appearance, Azul, the FGCU mascot, is under scrutinity by the Eagle Protection Act.

Special to Seagull News “Half-Life 3” will be released in 2020 after the gaming community’s long anticipation.

FGCU for $10 million, the opportunity to let its executives learn to wakeboard on the North Lake motorboat and an honorary doctorate for former band member Justin Timberlake. “Eagles pride themselves on integrity and pride, and the accusation that any Eagle would stoop to the level as to plagiarize — let alone plagiarize from an overproduced, sensationalized and undertalented group such as Sync Street or ‘N Boys — is preposterous,” said Michael Rollo , the FGCU vice president of student affairs. “Our alma mater is purely original material.” FGCU filed a countersuit last week, claiming that RCA Records

in fact ripped “Bye Bye Bye” from the university, citing that the two songs came out the same year and that the record label had more opportunity and more to gain by stealing than the school did. The school is suing for the ability to actually use the song and for current RCA Records artist and former One Direction member Zayn Malik to perform at Eaglepalooza for the next three years. “Sounds fake, but OK,” former ‘N Sync member Lance Bass said in regards to both lawsuits. Other members of the group and RCA Records representatives all declined to comment for this article.

Special to Seagull News Screenshot from ‘N Sync “Bye Bye Bye” music video. FGCU is sued for alma mater song “Where Our Wings Will Take Us” being to similar to ‘N Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” song.

EDITOR: KLAUDIA BALOGH ENTERTAINMENT@EAGLENEWS.ORG

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS E & L A8

Adele talks future concerts, album 72 and outer space By Casey Deeya Bath bomb editor @CaseyDeeyaEN World-renowned singer Adele recently told inside sources that she is planning multiple album releases in advance. Titles will follow the trend of her affinity

for arbitrary numbers, including 36, 69, 72 and 84. “We just can’t start recording for 91,” Adele said Monday, as she looked dramatically toward a window in her home. “I have to find a connection with a number before I base an album off of it. See, I feel

a deep love for 72.” Adele’s “25” sold over 3.38 million copies in its debut week and became the year’s top selling album in the U.S., according to Billboard.com. When asked about the popularity of her album, Adele’s creative gears

began to turn, and the interview became the least of her worries. “38…” Adele said. “What a marvelous number. Scratch the idea for 36; it can wait two more years.” The idea for preplanning Adele’s albums was a move on manager

“69” “72”

Jonathan Dickins’ part. “Planning releases in advance is all the rage,” Dickins said. “Apple’s doing it. It might take awhile for Faceboook to catch onto the trend, but they’ll come around.” Adele has already begun pulling in ticket sales

“84”

“36”

Adele ‘s future album titles will continue the number trend, and she’s also planning an outer-space experience.

Special to Seagull News

for her future concerts, which include tours in the U.S., Europe, Asia and a joint venture to outer space with NASA. “I just feel that my creativity can really be — extra-terrestrial in outer space,” Adele said.

ATHLETICS #SMILEGATE: Dooley shows emotion By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes The FGCU Athletic Department has been dealing with a public relations nightmare after what some are calling “Smilegate.” The media frenzy comes

after three-year men’s basketball head coach Joe Dooley smiled during a press conference about redshirt junior Marc-Eddy Norelia’s future with the Harlem Globetrotters. The smile is the first revelation of anything other than pure anger or disappointment in Dooley’s emotional pallet.

SN Photo/ Tess Morgan FGCU head coach Joe Dooley smiles in a press conference.

“Is he OK?” asked a concerned Norelia, who hasn’t seen Dooley smile once since transferring to FGCU in 2013. Norelia said a former Kansas player Aubrey Graham, also known as the rapper Drake, swears that he saw Dooley smile once during his time coaching

under Bill Self, but no other eyewitnesses could confirm the anomaly. Drake declined to comment due to the technicality that he is not actually a player but somehow managed to travel and to sit on the bench with the team. When asked about what

>> #Smilegate continued on B3

Brett Comer returns to Dunk City as hydration manager By Madeline Hamilton Old Enough @Hamantha5 Brett Comer was once the poster child of Dunk City. Now, he’s back. After his glory days at FGCU and a few days in the D-league, Comer landed a volunteer coaching position outof-state. Comer has left his volunteer coaching position to help hydrate his former team. He will be taking the water boy position for the FGCU

men’s basketball team starting fall 2016. “People know me here,” Comer said. “Hydration manager is a very important role on the team. I could lead the boys back to the NCAA tournament.” Because the position is not paid, Brett Comer has accepted a position at GameTime as an arcade attendant in addition to his role at FGCU. He attends to the minute pop-a-shot arcade game. “I’m excited to be back

>> Comer returns continued on B5 Photo special to Seagull News

The men’s lacrosse team gathers for a daily cup check.

Men’s lacrosse trades lax flow for cash flow By Madeline Hamilton Old Enough @Hamantha5 With tight budgets, everyone seems to be making cuts this year. For the men’s lacrosse team, it’s a different kind of cut.

The team members will be cutting their hair this year and selling it to pay for new uniforms. “This is the first time in three years I’ve cut my hair,” FGCU lacrosse player Mark Bell said. “I had the best flow on the team, man.”

The team bought uniforms last year but was stuck with no way to pay for the gear. That’s when it decided to trade the lax flow for some cash flow. “Everyone wants these luscious locks,” team member Jake Johnson said.

“That’s why we came up with the idea of selling our hair.” The team was able to raise $800 after selling its locks, leaving $15,200 left on its tab with FGCU.

Marc-Eddy Norelia joins Globetrotters By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes Coming off a stellar junior season, FGCU poster boy Marc-Eddy Norelia is putting down his green and blue jersey for a red, white and blue one instead. After three years with FGCU, including one year of ineligibility where he ignited Alico Arena with every bench reaction, Norelia signed with the world-famous Harlem Globetrotters. “This is a dream

come true,” Norelia said. “Nothing else matters now.” The Globetrotters, which are celebrating their 90th birthday, chose Norelia due to his size, personality and, of course, dunks. “He’s a very animated person,” Globetrotters representative Sam Dirk said. “We got a good look at him while we were in Fort Myers for our show, so while our team was out performing, I stopped by to see Marc.” Globetrotter scouts took a look at Norelia during the

Marc-Eddy Norelia takes a break during his Globetrotter debut.

Atlantic Sun Conference tournament first round against Kennesaw State at Alico Arena. During the game, Norelia posted his 13th double-double of the season, with 14 points and 12 rebounds. Norelia says that his goal has always been to join the Globetrotters. “I never really wanted to go professional. The NBA? No thank you,” Norelia said. “This has all just been a stepping stone to eventually becoming a Globetrotter.” The Globetrotters

play in more than 450 live events worldwide each year. Today, there are at least three different Harlem Globetrotters teams touring the United States. Although he has one more year left to get his degree, the Globetrotters are promising that Norelia will gain all the street smarts that he needs. Norelia’s only concern is the uniform. “I don’t really look good in stripes,” Norelia said. “I guess it’ll do, though.”

Quidditch team goes D-I By Casey Deeya Bath Bomb Editor @DontFollowMe The FGCU quidditch team is flying to the big leagues with its new title as a Division I sport. After multiple quidditch teams across the United States sent hundreds of howler letters to the NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis, NCAA president Mark Emmert finally gave the sport the clear. “Please, no more screaming,” Emmert said during a press conference surrounding the topic. “You have your title. Now, please stop.”

Founder of the FGCU quidditch team Maikol Brito shared his excitement that the team can now be recognized on a grander scale. “It’s a great feeling,” Brito said. “Although we won’t get a stipend, just like every other NCAA Division I team, they said they would give us new broomsticks each year, which is cool, too.” Comprised of 21 members, the FGCU team plans to schedule intensive practices to prepare the players for any teams and any skill level it may face, such as FSU, FIU, Ringling, UF, USF and

>> Quidditch continued on B3

Photo special to Seagull News

>>Globetrotters continued on B2

SN Illustration/ Chevy

B2 SPORTS SEAGULL NEWS FRIDAY, APRIL 1

EDITOR: MADISON HAMPTON | SPORTS@EAGLENEWS.ORG

Fishing Club members have most successful Tinder profiles By Madeline Hamilton Old Enough @Hamantha5 On Monday, Tinder officials declared the FGCU fishing team to have the most successful Tinder profiles of all FGCU Athletics teams. “We’re honored,” fishing club member Hunter Boozeman said. “I know we all work really hard on those profiles, trying to catch more than fish. We know everyone loves a photo with a fish; we just happen to have fish and trophies.” FGCU students feel the team deserved this recognition. “I always swipe right if there’s a fish in the picture,” sophomore Jennifer Fonseca said. “If there’s a fish and a trophy, game over. I think the FGCU fishing team has some of the best profiles I’ve ever seen on Tinder, and I’ve been swiping since 2013.” Officials judged

the profiles on a few different guidelines. They considered the size of the fish, how the individual was posing and if the bio had any puns. Officials said the FGCU fishing team had a “great variety of fishy puns and pickup lines,” including “You could be my greatest catch yet,” “I’m hooked on you” and “Don’t trout my love for you.” The team takes this honor with great pride and hopes to defend its title next year. “Of course, we are proud of this honor,” said Wyler Gins, the club’s president. “It’s not everyday we are recognized for the hard work we put into those profiles. I caught a lot of fish and took pictures just for that reason. We’ll be defending our title for years to come.”

Due to budget cuts and a shift in priorities in the NCAA, FGCU will no longer be offering scholarships to its Division I athletes. Instead, popular “hoverboard” segways will be given as compensation instead. “We cannot pay athletes,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “We have stood by our policy of making money off of collegiate sports without paying the athletes for years. We realized that these scholarships actually involve some sort of monetary compensation for athletes, which is absurd.” According to the NCAA, all scholarships will be immediately terminated. However, Emmert assured the press that athletes would receive some miniscule compensation for their hours of training a day to make the NCAA a profit.

UCF. Back in 2013, the Associated Press article “Harry Potter sport stages World Cup in Florida” explained that the International Quidditch Association would host 80 teams for its annual World Cup event in Kissimmee. Last year, the U.S. Quidditch World Cup 8 tournament was held in Rock Hill, South Carolina on April 11 to 12. The FGCU team began setting itself up for a successful next season with its last game in January against UF. It ended in a 130-100 victory for FGCU, sealing the win with a snitch grab in overtime. Club president Caroline Waterman explained that she expects the team to stay humble during this time of immense emotion. “Daniel Radcliffe told us he would be willing to be a sponsor, so did Rupert Grint and Emma Watson,”

Waterman said. “We are feeling out our options but trying not to get to ahead of ourselves. We started as a close team, and I want to keep that now that we are a Division I sport.” The team will play its next season in the fall, beginning in late September. In its downtime, the team relieves its postseason stress by running around the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal, casting “spells” and buying new cloaks. “I like to stock up on butterbeer and chocolate frogs,” member Andrea Rivero said. “You just can’t get quality wizard snacks anywhere else, you know?” Waterman hopes to start the next season strong and make it to this year’s championship, hosted by J.K. Rowling in the backyard of her nearly $3.3 million home in Edinburg, Scotland.

>> #Smilegate continued from B1

Hoverboards offered to student athletes in lieu of scholarships being stripped By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes

>> Quidditch continued from B1

“Instead of scholarships, which now will violate our long list of NCAA violations, athletes will be gifted ‘hoverboards,’ which is what all the young people are into nowadays,” Emmert said. “These flying hover — oh they don’t actually fly? They’re just half segways? — Ok, these half segways are the future and so are our paychecks — I mean children.” Athletes have mixed feeling about suddenly losing their scholarships, but are excited about getting free hoverboards. “This is great,” said FGCU basketball player Christian Terrell. “Hoverboards are so ‘in’ and now after a long day of training, I can just stand and ride to class instead of doing the taxing work of walking.” For many studentathletes, scholarships are essential to getting a degree. “I’m not really sure how I’m going to pay for

school or like, eat, now that I don’t have a scholarship anymore,” said Rayjon Tucker, “but these are cool, I guess.” However, Emmert clarified that the athletes will not be given hoverboards to keep, but will be allowed to use hoverboards during their collegiate career. Upon graduation, the hoverboards will be returned to the NCAA, as they are filed under “team equipment.” “The hoverboards are NCAA property,” Emmert said. Hoverboards, which became popular in 2015, have glittered headlines, with faulty wiring and injuries as a result of hoverboards exploding or catching fire. In South Village, a student’s hoverboard caught fire because it was overcharged, much like its vodka and Redbullchugging owner. On the flight from Fort

Myers to Dayton, Ohio for the First Four NCAA game, Julian DeBose, was not allowed to bring his trusty steed with him because it violated air travel regulations. “I knew these things were fire,” DeBose said as the airport security escorted him out, “I just didn’t know that they were that fire.” Because of safety concerns, hoverboards have also been banned on FGCU’s campus, with the trend spreading across the nation, contradicting the NCAA’s campus-only use of the hoverboards. “I’ll let the universities come up with their own independent regulations regarding the hoverboards,” Emmert said, “But the NCAA, we don’t give a shit.”

he smiled about, Dooley insisted that he didn’t know anything about a smile. Dooley said there was a possibility that he could have been trying to pick a piece of lettuce out of his teeth with his tongue, which he claims could have been confused for a smile. Following the smile, FGCU Athletic Director Ken Kavanagh urged that the events of Smilegate were going to be thoroughly investigated. “We brought Joe in 2013 with the idea that he would be a healthy contrast to former head coach Andy Einfeld,” Kavanagh said. “Andy smiled too much, so we opted for Joe to take on a role that models a disapproving uncle at Christmas.” Kavanagh told Seagull News that he would do everything in his power to restore order to the Athletic Department. “It’s just pure anarchy,” Kavanagh said. “We won’t accept this kind of behavior from our coaches.” A Seagull News investigation found the true reason for Dooley’s smile, which had nothing to do with salad in his

teeth. The investigation revealed that during the press conference, Dooley was thinking about a Saturday Night Live skit about Adele that he saw in November. The skit featured a family sitting around the dinner table at Thanksgiving, passiveaggressively arguing politics. The family was then brought together with Adele’s single, “Hello.” “I didn’t get it until just then,” Dooley admitted. With all eyes on Dooley’s facial muscles, women’s head coach Karl Smesko has been put under the microscope for any signs of happiness. “I assure you, no smiling here,” Smesko said. “I’ve been committed to this team, and this frown, for 14 years. I’m not going to throw it all away now.” Smesko has kept to his promise, taking extra precaution when approached with any good news. When Smesko was awarded his seventh MidMajor Coach of the Year honor, Smesko held tight to his frown, nodded and simply said, “OK.”

Baseball team exchanges baseball pants for yoga pants By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes A recent cosmetic switch by the FGCU baseball team has resulted in its attendance skyrocketing. Last week, FGCU made the uniform switch from traditional baseball pants to yoga pants, which resulted in a 200 percent increase in ticket sales. At yesterday’s game, Swanson Stadium was unable to accept any more fans, turning away over 400 girls at the entrance. Since the switch, the previous Swanson Stadium attendance record of 2,062, which was set in 2007, has risen to 5,269. The maximum capacity for the stadium is 1,500. “The fire marshall was not happy,” FGCU athletic

director Ken Kavanagh said. “If this keeps up, I think we’re going to have to switch to Hammond Stadium.” Remarkably, the surge in attendance and sudden interest in baseball reflects an overwhelmingly apparent strong female presence. “I love baseball,” freshman Summer Juniper said. “I just love when they score touchdowns and get all of the points.” The FGCU bookstore has hopped on the bandwagon as well, trading out its previously popular Dunk City apparel for FGCU yoga pants. Players are also overwhelmingly in support of the switch. “I’m really surprised how comfy they are,” first baseman Nick Rivera said. “These pants are allowing

me to move in ways I never knew I could move before.” Although the team hasn’t won since putting on the pants, morale is higher than it has ever been, and superstition will keep the pants around. “We’re not sure if the spike in attendance is because we’ve been playing big name schools or because of the switch to yoga pants,” head coach Dave Tollett said. “Either way, now, we’re superstitious and will keep the yoga pants all year. I guess we’ll never know.”

Jake Noll sports the Eagles traditional uniform for the last time, at a recent home game.

Photo Special to Seagull News

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS SPORTS B3

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>> Comer returns continued from B1

Photo Special to Seagull News

Brett Comer celebrates his 2013 NCAA run with two bottles of high quality H2O, igniting his passion for hydration.

“I’m excited to be back on campus,” Comer said. “It’ll be like old times.” Head coach Joe Dooley is excited to have Comer returning to the team. “I’m thrilled,” Dooley said, maintaining his blank expression. “You can’t get good water these days. Our program keeps growing that we’re getting more talented people at FGCU, even in the water management role. “ FGCU athletes are also excited to see Comer return. Top recruit, freshman Rayjon Tucker is eager to see a piece of Dunk City return. “I could see him being an asset to the team,” Tucker said. “I guess it’ll be cool to meet him. He’s from the old days. None of us were around for that.” FGCU Athletics told Seagull News that budget cuts mean that Comer can not travel with the team, but he will be at all home games. “I’ll be at all home games unless I have work,” Comer said. “I will always be committed to this team. Dunk City is life.”

Dooley stomps hole into court floor, opens up another dimension By Kelli Krepes Drowning in debt @TheReal_KKrepes Joe Dooley has put a new meaning to #StompStetson. In a moment of pure rage, FGCU men’s basketball head coach Joe Dooley stomped a hole in the court, resulting in the opening of a gateway to another dimension. “Damn it, Filip!” Dooley said as he raised his right leg, slowly summoning the energy out of every living thing on the court. After stomping in frustration all night following turnovers and missed free throws, Dooley summoned enough power to stomp a hole straight through the court and the foundation, straight into another dimension. “Yo, he just went Super Saiyan on that floor,” said Miguel Rodriguez, an innocent bystander. By opening up the

That Guy Position: Right Court Senior (55+) 6 feet 1 inches Hometown: The 6ix

Dooley Mad. Dooley smash.

gateway into another dimension, Dooley inadvertently released the wrath of Cthulhu, bringing about 3,000 years of darkness on the world. FGCU Athletics Facilities and Operations estimates that the repair

SN photo / Kelli Krepes

could take “a while,” due to the fact that the entire structure is now missing from the arena. Despite the massive hole, FGCU women’s basketball head coach Karl Smesko insists that his players continue to

practice, calling for sprints and shoot-a-round drills. “No excuses,” Smesko said. “Maybe, the FGCU in another dimension stops for holes in the floor, but this one doesn’t.”

That Guy in the green polo, sporting the mustache, has been the most consistent person to step foot in Alico Arena. Averaging 20 hellos and 14 “let me show you to your seats” a game, Guy has ensured the fans at Alico have all the tools necessary to turn up. A simple, clean-cut man with a killer mustache, Guy leads all of Alico Arena in dabs, dabbing every time FGCU men’s basketball coach Joe Dooley yells at a player. SN Illustration/ Chevy

B4 SPORTS SEAGULL NEWS FRIDAY, APRIL 1

EDITOR: MADISON HAMPTON SPORTS@EAGLENEWS.ORG

Pad Up FGCU announces creation of long awaited football team By Miquel Rodriquez Professional Dabber @miguel_rod0914 On Tuesday night, FGCU announced the roster for its long-awaited football team, which will play its first season in the fall of 2016. The football team will be the nation’s first ever co-ed team to compete in NCAA Division I football. The team’s stadium, McTarnaghan-Merwin-

Bradshaw Arena, is currently being built on the roof of Alico Arena and is projected to be completed in 2024. The team will play its first eight seasons on the recently renamed FGCU Soccer Football Complex, sharing the field with the FGCU men’s and women’s soccer teams. “The bookstore sells shirts that say we are undefeated, and we are determined to keep it

that way,” FGCU men’s basketball forward MarcEddy Norelia said. “I will play my heart out every single game and do whatever it takes to make sure we remain undefeated and win a national championship.” The team will join the SEC and play against 2015 national champion Alabama in the program’s first game. FGCU also announced the head coach of the

football team will be Karl Smesko. Smesko, who was formerly the women’s basketball coach, is a seven-time Atlantic Sun Coach of the Year. “We are a great team,” Smesko said. “We have a lot of potential to win a championship. Alabama is a great team, and they are very well coached. With this much talent on a team that we don’t even know the rest of the roster, we can be a great team if we

2016-17 roster

work together.” Although the entire roster has not been released, the starting lineup for offense and defense as well as a couple of special teams players have been announced. “I’m excited to lead this team to victory,” Knight said. “I know my teammates will put me in the right position so that I can play my game and execute.” The Eagles will kick

off their season on Aug. 32 against the reigning National Champions, Alabama, at the FGCU Soccer Football Complex at 7 p.m. “I want to go out on top,” Bradshaw said. “I’m ready to grind with my squad and do this for family. We are a single unit, and we are going to do what it takes to bring that trophy to the 239.”

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS SPORTS B5

OPINION

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Seagull News

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State of Kait

Special to Seagull News Presidential candidate Clinton, launches new campaign with the hopes of appealing to millenials.

Hillary Clinton finally wins over the young vote with new campaign By Kait Sehall Wineaboutit Editor @Kait Sehall As the election is getting closer, it seems as if less millennials are feeling the Bern. It is no secret that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is in the lead, but for some reason, she has been having some trouble with the young vote. However, as of recently, we are seeing more and more of these “berning” sensations slowly cool off and become more chilled.

Yes, other Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton has finally found a way to win the young vote with the launching of her new campaign, “Netflix and Hill.” Any voter between the ages of 18 and 25 is now able to binge watch television with presidential candidate Clinton. “I want millennials to know that I get them, hmu... or shamu — whatever the heck it is that you people say — and we can binge watch ‘House of Cards’ together,” Clinton said. “I

hurt just as much as you did when McDreamy died, and I was just as shocked as you were when Frank Underwood even killed for a shot at the presidency. I mean, who is that desperate to win an election, right?” If you ask Clinton who her favorite character on “House of Cards” is, the answer may or may not surprise you. “I’m team Claire Underwood all the way,” Clinton said. “I totes feel for her. I can’t imagine what it would have been like

when I was first lady and to know that my husband was cheating on me with some young girl half his age; that would have been awful.” Young people are encouraged to fill out an application — posted on Hill’s Myspace bulletin board — to Netflix and chill with Hill. Our girl Hill hasn’t forgotten about those without cars. She recently became an Uber driver in order to ensure all voters are able to sit and watch as many episodes of “Friends” with her as they can handle.

“I want young people to have fun, go ahead and puke and rally,” Clinton said. “I’ll make sure to drive you home after we see if Piper and her girlfriend Alex will stay together — because I support gay marriage.” If you aren’t a fan of binge watching Netflix, Hill still invites you over to drink a couple cold ones and listen to Fetty Wap’s new album, which she says is “lit af.” Don’t worry about leaving the weed at home either. Clinton is all for legalizing marijuana,

and she isn’t above passing a joint in order to win over your vote. “I want millennials to see that I’m not like the other presidential candidates; I’m a cool candidate,” Clinton said. “I’m whatever you want me to be. I’m always down for a good time. So, come on over or slide into my DMs, so we can Netflix and Hill.”

A closer Looooooke

Farewell democracy Comrade Sanders seizes the means of production and our hearts By Juniper Lee Jones Has a blog @heyitsjunieb

Special to Seagull News Presidential candidate Sanders closes the gap between him and Clinton after giving a more socialist speech.

With big wins in Alaska, Idaho and Washington, Sen. Bernie Sanders is pushing his campaign into overdrive, as he tries to close the gap between him and frontrunner Hillary Clinton. However, many followers of the democratic socialist’s “political revolution” are starting to wonder how serious Sanders is about socialism after a radical change in the candidate’s stump speech. As Sanders campaigns through Wisconsin to gain supporters before the state’s primary elections Tuesday, April 5, the candidate, who is usually accompanied by blue banners and a demeanor of peace, came out on stage in Milwaukee on Monday with a shockingly new message. As the senator came out onto stage to an exuberant crowd, massive banners over the stage unfurled to reveal an iconic hammer and sickle on a

red background, and the stage lights revealed a massive gray beard on the candidate’s face. What started as a peaceful gathering of Bernie supporters quickly turned into a modern day communist manifesto. “I’m here today, comrades,” Sanders said, fists in the air, “to tell you today that we must seize the means of production from the bourgeoisie!” Said like a true communist. And, it’s no surprise that I completely support this new angle. To say that Sanders has made a harsh deviation is kind of a hyperbole. As chief campaign advisor Jeff Weaver told NBC on a late night newscast, this was Sanders’ plan from the start. “We knew it would take the American people a really long time to warm up to the idea of communism,” Weaver said. “But, Bernie was so amped about his huge wins in the Pacific, he decided to share his red side.”

At the Milwaukee rally, supporters of Sanders were at first a little taken aback by his new getup but soon were chanting “Revolution! Revolution!” with hands in the air. Sanders still laid out a plan for social and economic equality, but he added a few new policies he would implement as chairman of the U.S. Aside from seizing the means of production, Sanders also promised to put an end to the exploiters and the slaveholders. As he stated in his speech, we would see “shorter, more available breadlines” as well as a partnership with Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz to provide free frappuccinos for every citizen. The Vermont senator’s tempestuous genius is one step closer to a vulpine communistic American paradise for the working class. And, the new proposed U.S. capital, Sanderstan, will be a perfect place to vacation in the summer.

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1 SEAGULL NEWS OPINION B7

Letter to the editor

Special to Seagull News

Contrary to populary beliefs, Latinos are rallying behind presidential candidate Donald Trump and support him 100 percent.

Yo love Señor Trump By Julia Teresa Iacovone Donés President of Hispanics/ Latinos for Trump

As a Puerto Rican — and thus, American citizen by birth — I understand the struggle of coming to the states. Yes, our populace does not face the same woes of immigration as our Hispanic brethren, but our island is pretty broke too. So, as a fellow Latino, I feel it’s safe to say I know exactly what it’s like to be an immigrant. And, as an honorary immigrant, I can proudly declare the only candidate worth our time is obviously Señor Donald Trump. The media likes to focus on Trump saying Mexicans

Dear Seagull News, I — and the organization I represent — am personally offended by the continuous liberal propaganda published in your newspaper. Week after week, your writers speak for us Hispanics about what they feel “offends” or “marginalizes” us in this election season without having a single Latino voice represented.

are rapists and whatnot, but we’ve all said some things we’re not proud of after a few glasses of coquito (lo siento, prima). How can we write off all the good ideas he has, like taxing the rich, because of a dozen or so problematic comments he will surely make by the end of today? Now, what I, as a puertorriqueña, find much more offensive than Señor Trump is Hillary Clinton comparing herself to my abuela. While Trump stuck to insulting one of the more than 20 countries in Latin America, Clinton took the

time to directly attack each and every one of us. The list of “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela” was published on her campaign site with outrageous points like “She reacts this way when people le faltan el respeto…” followed by a gif of her staying, you guess it, smug and silent. Um, #NotMyAbuela, indeed! Clinton went on to attack Trump in her list by calling him out for saying he cherishes women. “Well, if it’s all the same to you, Mr. Trump, I would

rather you stop cherishing women and start respecting women,” Clinton said. Who does she think she is? Men should never be told to stop cherishing women. We are the greatest good they are ever going to get. And, as far as respect goes, that’s what children are for. Thank you very much. Clinton ended her disgraceful piece with a direct hit at Puerto Ricans, with a photo of her and patron saint of our island Marc Anthony. The photo was taken at a concert in Miami (essentially, New

Habana), which I can’t help but feel was an attack on Cuba as well. I urge you all at Seagull News to begin running more balanced coverage of this race — coverage which does not make claims for our people based on stereotypes of what matters to Latinos. And, for those interested, FGCU Hispanics/Latinos for Trump meets at the Taco Bell on campus whenever Trump goes a day without talking about Mexico, so once a month lately.

Letter to the editor

All lives matter: Especially white male lives By Chase Smith Dear Editor, I have been a white male for about 21 years now, and those years have all been great. Middle class family, easy schooling, no worries. But lately, I’ve noticed a growing trend that I’d like to bring to your attention. All of these social media movements about

paying attention to African Americans, women, LGBTQRS people — it’s just getting out of hand. I think, with all of these hashtags and protests, we’re forgetting that #AllLivesMatter, especially white male lives. I mean, come on. African Americans claiming that they get targeted by police? That’s nuts! I get pulled over

sometimes too. You just smile, and they leave you off with a warning. Gay people changing the Constitution, so they can get married? Is that even legal? I’ve even seen female students taking math classes. They can do math now!? And, they do it better than me!? What are we going to let them do next, get paid the same amount as men for doing the same

jobs? Ludacris! I think it’s great to be progressive. I mean, this is college. But I just think that if we focus too much on minorities, pretty soon, the majority will become the minority. You know? Like, what’s the point of helping other people and making us all equal if no one can be on top at the end? And all of this attention people have been paying

to these special groups is taking away attention from average people like me. For example, last month, Student Government turned down my bill to fund new Guy Harvey shirts for the Bros club, but they totally passed a bill to host International Week and “spread cultural awareness.” Are they saying that Guy Harvey isn’t cultured?

As Seagull News, it’s your duty to report on the average student’s life. I really think you should use the paper to inform students that #AllLivesMatter and focus less on the minority stuff. My father will be hearing about this, Chase Smith, a senior finance major

State of Kait

Orange you glad he’s running for office? Zoom Tan endorses presidential candidate Donald Trump and offers customers a new Trump-inspired color pallet for spray tans By Kait Sehall Wineaboutit Editor @KaitSehall

Special to Seagull News Zoom Tan endorses presidential candidate Trump while launching a new level of spray tan.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump seems to shine brighter than the other candidates on stage during a debate, and his latest announcement might help us understand how he achieves a skin color that is the perfect combination of Cheeto dust and oompa loompa orange. Zoom Tan has just announced it has jumped on the Trump Train and has decided to endorse him because he is “tan, tasty and a wee bit racy.” During the month of April, anyone who comes in with a signature “Make America Great Again” hat can ask for a Trump level spray tan. “The Trump level spray tan is similar to our level three spray tan, but instead

of using water to dilute the solution, we have used orange Fanta,” said Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a Zoom Tan employee. “This will help our customers achieve this hot new look.” Though this Trump level tan is new to the public, Zoom Tan has been providing Donald Trump with his orange glow for nearly two decades now. In fact, it should be noted that before Trump started bronzing up, he used to speak clearer and actually have “the best words.” Scientists want us to be aware of the dangers of this new tanning level. “After extensive research, I have concluded that the chemicals in Fanta when combined with a normal spray tan, directly affect the part of a person’s brain where they make moral and racial judgement calls,” said Bill Nye, the science guy. “

We monitored Trump’s brain waves before he started getting these spray tans and compared them to after, and it showed a significant decrease of brain activity in the part of the brain where people form words with multiple syllables. This definitely could explain why Trump’s most frequently used words are the words ‘huge’ and ‘wall.’” Regardless of the overwhelmingly apparent negative side effects, it’s time to make America mutate again into orange-skinned narcissists, much like we were in the early 2000s. The spray tans may cause mental health issues, but customers are advised to throw their common sense out the window much like Trump supporters already have.

Community Fluff Senioritis plagues thousands at FGCU www.eaglenews.org

Thousands of students at FGCU barely have the energy to go to class, due to a recent outbreak of senioritis. There is no cure for this disease, which destroys lives and GPAs every semester.

SN Photo/Rachel Allthejobs

While researchers search for cure, FGCU seniors avoid all work, can’t study for finals By Sigmund Fraud Sometimes Writer @borntobrood For years, the college senior has had to come to grips with his or her impending doom — graduation. Most of us might think that the senior year of undergraduate studies should be filled with a balance of great effort and sheer satisfaction. But, the development of an age-old illness grasps ahold of at least half of all graduating seniors every year — senioritis. Senioritis University for confused, caring, intelligent and tactful undergraduate people will visit FGCU to run a growth study on senior class students before the end of the spring semester. The Suck It Up program has been around since the late 1970s when founder Andy Coughman formed a registered student

organization on his campus in New York, New York. Coughman was still coming to grips with his own insecurities and graduation in fall of ‘79. “Well, ‘The Wall’ had recently been released by Pink Floyd, and its clear messages spoke to me,” Coughman said. “‘We don’t need no education.’ The scariest part was the bit about thought control in the same song. I felt that big brother was coming to get me. How could I continue existence, let alone my education?” Immediately, Coughman said he ran screaming through the main courtyard of his university, naked. That is when Suck It Up came to fruition in the mind of Coughman. “As I ran (nude) through the yard, I saw a fellow student drinking from a public fountain,” Coughman said. “It became clear to me what I needed to do for

myself. But, I did not want it to stop with me. I found that this was my new purpose, to treat these symptoms — the senioritis.” Coughman and his good friend, Filipe Zimbardo,

“These symptoms are real, and there are blog posts to prove it.

”

a psychology major who later went on to question his own sense of place, went

on to found the registered student organization, Help Me Help You Help Me. Students met the two in any area they could reserve first, performing trust falls, allowing other students to blindfold them and then feed them anonymous objects (hopefully, digestible). “Andy was a genius in my mind,” Zimbardo said. “I also found that it was a great opportunity for me to observe human behavior, as he was equally insane.” Coughman did not know he was actually being tested under an anonymous case study that Zimbardo himself conducted for his senior thesis. He was aware of Coughman’s senioritis symptoms. Zimbardo did not want to lose this great psychological opportunity, even if it meant conducting research on him behind Coughman’s back. “I felt I had no other choice,” Zimbardo said. “I

needed these credit hours, and I wasn’t going to let feelings get in the way of my life’s greatest work at the time.” Zimbardo was measuring the sanity of young men in their early 20s after years of abusing psychoactive drugs at a young age, meaning Coughman. “Too many,” Zimbardo said. Still, Zimbardo remained loyal to Coughman. His friendship somehow didn’t suffer even after the thesis was finished. Coughman tried acting after college, hoping it would be a way for him to beat some of his insecurities after school. But, it seemed that he couldn’t escape the feeling of being a young man in a male-dominated world. Suck It Up is an organization that isn’t registered as a public or

private university. It has no scholarship opportunity, and there is no brick-andmortar location. When Coughman feels like visiting a campus and chatting with some students, he will do so. He has managed to have shirts screen printed with the organization’s initials. They come in a variety of primary and secondary colors. Zimbardo was unavailable to comment about his affiliation with Coughman after he spoke about their college years. “This university is connecting with students on a deep level, and it wants to cure those who have been told there is nothing wrong with them,” Coughman said. “These symptoms are real, and there are blog posts to prove it.”

Study finds mandatory community service doesn’t teach students values By Tina Barberina Somehow I Manage Editor @whatistwitter A recent survey of FGCU students and faculty found that 93 percent did not learn “civic responsibility” from their required 80 hours of community service. “I don’t get it,” said Rayof Sunshine, the FGCU director of community service. “We require students to voluntarily give their time to the community, and they haven’t learned any lessons from it. Maybe, we should require more.” Student confusion about service became apparent during the openended portion of the online form. In response to the question “Why do you do community service?” an anonymous senior did not say anything about the importance of

giving back. “Because it’s required,” the survey taker wrote. “What, was I supposed to build any kind of values from it?” Sophomore Jake Fratboi told Seagull News he was equally confused by the survey question. “It’s required,” Fratboi said, “like Comp I. Why else would you volunteer, to help other people or something? It’d be sweet if they got rid of it though. Do you think they’ll do that?” Fratboi is a nominee for the FGCU Seagull Service Award for running his RSO’s annual charity tanning tournament. “It’s great,” Fratboi said. “We raise $100 for every half hour we tan on the beach. The money goes to help less fortunate kids buy Vineyard Vines.” Provost Ronald Toll will be

meeting with the FGCU Board of Trustees this week to come up with possible solutions to lack of civic spirit. “We’re thinking we can just require that students be better people,” Toll said. “We just don’t quite know how. Maybe, we can require them to smile and say hello to everyone they see or include a helping old ladies across the street quota.” The survey was completed by 10,000 students, who were avoiding doing their homework and had already seen every episode of “Friends” on Netflix. The survey promised to award an iPad to one randomly selected student, but Seagull News has not yet heard of anyone winning the iPad.

Photo by James Gecko At last year’s Make Kind of a Difference Day, students spent approximately one hour doing service and the other five eating breakfast, snack, lunch and receiving shirts.

Affluenza bucket challenge trends on social media By Lina Barbarosa Newsroomnotonfire Editor @captaincrunch4life

SN Illustration/Chevy

In support of wealthy teens who never had a chance to learn responsibility, Affluenza Bucket Challenge videos are popping up on Facebook and Vine. The videos show people filling buckets with $1 to $100 bills

and dumping the cash over their heads. Each participant nominates five of their friends to either post their own video or donate $100 to the Teen Affluenza Association of America. The TAAA supports wealthy teens who grew up too privileged to understand that there are consequences for their actions. It was founded by Tanya Couch, the mother

of Ethan Couch, who famously was sentenced to only five seconds of probation for committing a felony. “I just don’t think he ever had a chance to be a responsible human being,” Couch said. “My perfect little boy was born to do whatever he wanted. Kids like him should have a fund, just in case they need help with legal issues.”

The Affluenza Bucket Challenge is based off of the 2014 Ice Bucket Challenge, which helped raise money for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. “Affluenza, much like ALS, is a progressive disease that keeps its victims from controlling their actions,” Dr. Pedro Offman said. “These teens need our help.”

So far, the challenge has raised $5. It seems that all of the people who have publicly supported TAAA have enough cash on hand to dump it over their heads.