How to make Gingerbread!

By:

Mhmmm! It’s the most wonderful time of the year ;) Pardon the pun. But no, it truly is so magical. I LOVE baking with my baby boy, Todd just like we did since he was just a little elf. Today, it seems like his wife, Jessica, will be joining too.

Todd is a mama ’ s boy through and through; he loves his number one lady’s baking the best. One time, Todd really wanted one of his mama ’ s fresh chocolate chip cookies, but I had just bought some cookies from the bakery across the street. I told him, “Todd, we already have cookies!” So he ran to the pantry and threw all the cookies onto the ground and along with it, red velvet cake, hot cocoa and all the other sweet treats I just spent $200 on, leaving me no choice but to make him his favorite cookies. What a little prankster!

Anywho, today, we will be baking my world famous gingerbread. Before we start, remember there shouldn’t be too many cooks in the kitchen. I joke, I joke. But really, in the Taylor’s family, we like to assign roles. I worry that Jessica might be a waste of space. We have the gatherer (the person who finds and preps all the ingredients aka me since I’m the momma bear), the mixer (the person who makes the magic happen, this has Todd written ALL over it because he is just my cute magical baby boy who makes my life worth living) and the maid (the person who keeps everything sparkling clean. Normally, I hire a cleaning service but since Jessica insisted on helping out, she’ll be our maid today.) I’ll kick her out once baby boy Toddy and I are ready to cook. You know, just to make sure there aren’t too many cooks in the kitchen.

Step One: Preheat your oven to 350 degrees!

I left this one job to Jessica and she had forgotten. She swore I didn’t tell her, but I know I did. Why Todd decided to marry her is beyond me. I would've thought he would marry me, I mean someone like me. So I’ve decided to remind you all to do this first so you too don’t have to suffer for the incompetence of others.

Step Two: Prepare your Ingredients!

Ingredients:

Six cups of all-purpose flour or one doctor-prescribed wine glass to deal with daughter-in-laws

One tablespoon of baking powder. No, Jessica, not the pasty kind that you smother all over your face! For heaven’s sake, you look older than me with that caked-on makeup.

One tablespoon of ground g*nger. I know some of you take offense to that word. I have a redneck cousin, I understand.

One tablespoon of ground nutmeg, cloves, and cinnamon. Of course, you could reduce these quantities, they tend to be QUITE flavorful

One cup of shortening, what Jessica seems to be doing to my lifespan

One cup of molasses

One cup of packed brown sugar. White sugar is always superior but I guess for gingerbread, brown sugar works better..?

½ cup of water

Step Three: Combine your dry ingredients!

This step always reminds me of Jessica’s personality. Sift your flour and baking powder in a bowl. Sprinkle in your g*nger, nutmeg, cloves, cinnamon, and if you have it on you, some cocaine. Trust me, it helps everyone get through the holidays. Especially if you have a useless Jess-I mean dog laying around.

Step Four: Combine your wet ingredients.

This step always reminds me of myself when Todd’s around. Beat shortening, molasses, brown sugar, Jessica’s children from her first marriage when they were being brats (always!), water, eggs, and vanilla into a bowl until smooth and creamy.

Step Five: Bake!

Roll out your dough and cookie-cut gingerbread men. Then set them to bake. You’ll know they’re finished when they look hard but feel soft to touch just like Jessica’s hard, masculine features and her inability to take criticism.

And you ’ re all finished! I hope all of you mamas out there love baking this as much as Todd and I do. Kisses, Mom and Todd.