Speak up

SPEAK UP! Uncomfortable conversations still require a discussion

By Sherry Bruckner

Imagine this scenario:

As a truck takes the corner a little too fast, the officer turns on her lights. The truck fails to stop and she calls for back up. Officers spot the truck in an alley with the lights out. The young woman in the driver’s seat, named Angela*, fails the sobriety test, and earns a trip in the backseat of a squad car.

During the booking, Angela recounts the evening. What begins as happy hour turns into a full evening of drinks. When they leave, she rides shotgun as her boyfriend leans into the accelerator. Seeing flashing lights, he speeds away and pulls into an alley yelling, “Switch seats. If I am busted, I lose my job.” She trades places.

Angela’s actions are not unique. It sometimes feels safer to just say nothing or do as someone asks. It is common to confuse comfort and safety. While it sometimes feels uncomfortable telling someone no, or asking for what you need, that does not make it unsafe. People get to feel angry or disappointed. You may still share your wishes.

Whether talking with a spouse about childcare responsibilities, telling a colleague their behavior may harm a patient or client, or discussing an aging parent’s needs, some conversations may feel uncomfortable. Yet avoiding these conversations may lead to greater discomfort, anger or resentment.

Speaking up offers the gift of clarity and long-term personal peace. So, what does this look like? 1. Check in with yourself to gain clarity on the result you wish to achieve, and your needs and values. 2. Allow space for compassionate dialogue so everyone involved may share feelings and wishes. 3. Be curious about what possible options exist to meet everyone’s needs. 4. Be comfortable that your decision matches your values and results in longterm peace.

In Angela’s situation, she may: 1. Notice she values her connection with her boyfriend, and values honesty and accountability, 2. Engage in dialogue to understand each person’s needs, during which Angela may learn her boyfriend really wants compassion and support, 3. Explore ways to show support without sacrificing her values of honesty and accountability. This may mean Angela agrees to be present and supportive as her boyfriend faces consequences, and 4. Demonstrate respect for the relationship by supporting her boyfriend and honor herself by not taking responsibility for his actions.

You may sometimes feel uncomfortable having a conversation. What is the cost of not having it?

*Name changed.