Kansas State Collegian Print Edition 4.1.11 by Kansas State Collegian

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April Fools’ Day Edition

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DEATH: MENDENHALL

Gay couple: We want to taint marriage Sam Diederich news editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day.

“Usually alcohol is a major plus for businesses like that, but I think it will do all right,” said Kevin Pinkerton, sophomore in elementary education. “It’ll be good to have a new place for people who don’t want to get drunk to hang out.” Pinkerton said he will take advantage of having adult entertainment in Manhattan, but

The earth stood still Thursday when representatives from the League of Allied and Unbeatable Gays and Homosexuals, or LAUGH, announced that rumors accusing gays of attempting to destroy the sanctity of marriage are true. “We here at LAUGH are out to end marriage by tainting it with our gayness,” said Mark Sundoll, executive director of LAUGH. “A lot of people think that marriage is an abstract, intangible emotional bond between two people that can only be ended by the married couple or death, but we know better. Marriage is like a clean and clear river. We are going to pee in that river.” Sundoll began his quest to destroy marriage by trying to disrupt weddings, but when his attempts became increasingly futile he had to develop a new strategy. “I got married to a man. My husband Terrance and I have been gaying it up in marriage for a few months now,” Sundoll said. “The results thus far have been great.” Larry Spuds, president of Larry is Against Marriage Extermination, or LAME, is worried that man-on-man marriage will harm the sacred bond of matrimony. “Those gays getting married is the worst thing to ever happen to marriage,” Spuds said. “Yeah, Larry King has had like 9 divorces, and Tiger Woods was sleeping around even though he was married to like the hottest woman ever, but the real issue here is the fella-on-fella necking. Lady-on-lady action is cool as long as I can watch. I like their soft skin.” Spuds, twice divorced himself, said his own personal marriages never would have ended “if so many dudes weren’t kissing each other.” “It really got in my head,” Spuds said. “It’s like this: how am I supposed to share my life with someone if someone else is sharing his life with someone? That’s just too much sharing. And think about all the tongues.”

STRIP CLUB | pg. 8

MARRIAGE | pg. 8

illustration by Jennifer Heeke

Beth Mendenhall, senior in political science, died Thursday after eating tainted tofu on Monday night.

Writer’s demise leaves K-Staters shocked, happy Mendenhall dies after 4-day battle against tainted tofu, leaves legacy of opinions Karen Ingram opinion editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. The K-State community and the Collegian have lost one of their most infamous and controversial members: Elizabeth “Beth” Mendenhall. Her death has left many people shocked, others appalled and in disbelief. “I can’t believe it,” said Balasubra-

manyn Meenakshisundaram, graduate student in electrical engineering. “I’m having serious doubts about how safe a vegetarian diet is because of this incident.” Mendenhall went out Monday night to celebrate her debate team’s national championship. She was accompanied by several members of the K-State Debate Team, including Derek Ziegler, junior in political science and philosophy, as well as members of her family. The group chose to celebrate at a restaurant in Manhattan. Mendenhall, a strict vegetarian, had opted for a tofu meal while others in the group gorged themselves on barbecue chicken. Unfortunately for Mendenhall, the tofu was tainted by Lieutenant Trips, a non-contagious form of Captain Trips, and she was hospitalized soon after.

Mendenhall succumbed to the disease on Thursday. “I’m never eating tofu again,” Meenakshisundaram said. “That is just scary.” While news of Mendenhall’s demise triggers a flood of negative tweets from people who express joy in her death, usually including “#hurray” or “#notwinning,” there has also been much support and condolences from the community to Mendenhall’s friends and family. One of the more unlikely sources of support has come from the K-State College Republicans. “We’ve had problems with seeing eye-to-eye with Ms. Mendenhall’s opinions in the past,” said Zach Crocombe, senior in political science and president of the K-State College Republicans. “But when we learned

about her desire to support Sarah Palin as a presidential candidate, we realized she may have had a change of heart toward the end of her life.” Mendenhall’s last opinion column, which is published posthumously in this newspaper, provides detailed reasons why Palin would be the best president for the U.S. in 2012. “We’re just glad she finally saw the light,” Crocombe said. The College Republicans are planning a memorial barbecue for Mendenhall this weekend. President Kirk Schulz has generously donated a suckling pig to be roasted at the event. All tofu-related products will be banned from the event. Schulz has expressed a desire to ban tofu from campus altogether. A press conference on the subject is expected in the near future.

Strip Club to be included in downtown redevelopment Cats Gone Wild possible after sexually-oriented business laws altered Jason Strachman Miller managing editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day.

Those who have longed for adult entertainment within Manhattan city limits received a bit of good news Monday. The downtown redevelopment project that brought new retail businesses to Manhattan has just brought a different kind of business to Fourth Street: a strip club. An owner of a franchise of strip clubs throughout the region has purchased an aban-

doned building on Fourth Street with plans to open Manhattan’s first strip club aptly named Cats Gone Wild. “That is awesome,” said Kelsey Wyckoff, freshman in open option. “I have to find out when they will be taking applications.” Wyckoff said with the state of our financial system, she would appreciate a job in an industry that offers potential

to make so much money. A shift in legislation on sexually-orientated businesses has allowed the opportunity for strip clubs to open within the city limits of Manhattan. Cats Gone Wild will feature fully nude dancers and therefore cannot serve alcohol. This also means that unlike the majority of bars in Aggieville, the club will allow anyone 18 and older to enter.

Senior girl takes record 76th early-morning walk of shame Partying hard, attracting creeps mid-week key to high-scoring number Sam Diederich news editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article that should not be read by anyone. All names, locations, and quotes are entirely fabricated, and any similarities to the “real world” are purely coincidental. Happy April Fool’s Day. Michael Jordan, legendary NBA player for the Chicago Bulls and Washington Wizards, knows about determination. “His Airness” fought through injuries, fatigue and doubt to become arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. Samantha Deedrick is the

Michael Jordan of walk of shames. Deedrick, a senior in graphic design, set a university record Thursday morning by completing her 76th walk of shame. “I’m a competitor,” Deedrick said. “This is a milestone that I knew I would get to if I believed in myself and partied hard.” Deedrick’s coach and confidant, Ann Caste, said the record distinguishes Deedrick as the undisputed greatest shame walker in K-State history. “Samantha has fought through hangovers, broken heels, creepy guys and cheap vodka to get to this accomplishment,” Caste said. “Nobody can take that away from her. Nobody can doubt those 76 long nights and early mornings.” Deedrick’s night began early on Wednesday when she joined

her friends for a mid-week round of drinks. “Getting to this record is all about having no priorities or self-respect,” Deedrick said. “Drinking heavily in the middle of the week is just part of the game.” Bars tend to attract creeps on the weekends, Deedrick said, but the creep ratio jumps exponentially in the middle of the week, which makes securing a “teammate” much easier. “In the middle of the week,

SHAME | pg. 8 illustration by Jennifer Heeke

Samantha Deedrick sets a university record as she makes her 76th walk of shame Thursday morning.

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Logan’s Run | By Erin Logan

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR opinion editor Jennifer Heeke photo editor Stephanie Carr multimedia editor Sarah Chalupa ad manager Steve Wolgast adviser

The Collegian welcomes your letters to the editor. They can be submitted by e-mail to letters@ spub.ksu.edu, or in person to Kedzie 116. Include your full name, year in school and major. Letters should be limited to 350 words. All submitted letters may be edited for length and clarity.

CORRECTIONS If you see something that should be corrected or clarified, please call our editor-in-chief, Tim Schrag, at 785-532-6556, or e-mail him at news@spub. ksu.edu.

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kansas state collegian

friday, april 1, 2011 STREET TALK

If capes were in style, what would yours look like?

opinion page 3

PALIN 2012 Candidate’s policies make her best fit for president

“Cape Cod.”

Beth Mendenhall Ryus Williams JUNIOR, INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS

“Cape-ability.”

Gabe Ryan JUNIOR, BUSINESS AND ENTREPRENEURSHIP

“Harry Potter’s invisability cloak.”

Sami Carlson SOPHOMORE, BIOLOGY

“A wizarding cape.”

Liz Grey SOPHOMORE, PSYCHOLOGY

“A superhero cape with my initials on it.”

Cameron Gallagher FRESHMAN, MUSIC EDUCATION

Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. The year 2012 is almost upon us and we should all be terrified. As citizens of a declining hegemon living in a world influenced less and less by our way of life, we face serious choices about the future of our society. How are we going to deal with the massive weight of government debt, or the indignity of a trade deficit? What are we going to do about burgeoning regional conflicts and rogue states like Iran and North Korea? How can we keep America number one in the face of rising competitors like China and India? The old methods of engagement here and isolationism there have failed us. What America needs is something new. What America needs is a true visionary. What America needs is Sarah Palin. No Republican candidate has emerged as a frontrunner for the 2012 presidential nomination, which is why we must act quickly and decisively. Palin has hinted at her candidacy, telling Fox News that she’ll seek the nomination if “it’s right for the country.” What Palin needs to know and you have an obligation to tell her is this: Sarah Palin is right for this country. Palin is constantly exceeding expectations. While polls from CNN, CBS and Fox indicated that most viewers believed Joe Biden won the 2008 vice-presidential debate, most voters believed that Palin’s performance had exceeded expectations. Many people believed that after being defeated by the Obama/Biden ticket, Palin would see through the remainder of her term as Alaskan governor, especially considering her historical high approval ratings in that position. Yet again, Palin exceeded expectations and resigned in July 2009, citing

illustration by Kelsey Welliver the massive costs of battling ethics investigations. In some areas Palin doesn’t exceed expectations, because no one knows what to expect. A Palin presidency would signal a true return to America’s fundamental values: being American and celebrating America. Palin represents America perfectly, because she cares about things like America and hot dogs. As a former city council member, mayor and governor, Palin has zero foreign policy experience. And that’s what America needs. Instead of getting caught up in international issues (other than standing with our North Korean allies, as per Glenn Beck’s Nov. 24, 2010, radio interview), Palin chooses to focus on the real issues, like

restrictive reproduction laws and unrestrictive gun laws. That’s because Palin believes the “best of America is ... wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America ... with ... hard working very patriotic pro-America areas,” as she reiterated at a Greensboro fundraiser in 2008. Palin especially appeals to me because she is a true feminist and also a master of bear metaphors. As Palin told Katie Couric in 2008, she believes that women today “have every opportunity that a man has to succeed.” Somehow, Palin’s beauty, charm and grace have managed to eliminate sexism. If Palin says the glass ceiling doesn’t exist, Americans ought to say “what glass ceiling?” Palin’s feminism is reflected in her

opposition to same-sex marriage, emergency contraception and abortion, even in cases of rape and incest. That’s because Palin knows what American women want: babies. And Palin knows what America needs: babies. Finally, Palin is wellversed in the need for predator control. In 2007 she supported a policy allowing aerial wolf hunting to increase moose and caribou populations, so there would be more for the hunting. Palin knows that wolves are a threat to our country and, especially, our ability to shoot other animals. Like a true utilitarian, Palin seeks to increase the number of animals available to kill. How else are we going to keep America number one?

Don’t listen to the lamestream media, listen to Sarah Palin. In 2012 our nation begins to write its future. Instead of confusing ourselves by dealing with all those other countries, let’s celebrate the Fourth of July more often. America will only fail if it forgets that America is the best. Sarah Palin hasn’t forgotten, just look at the number of ATVs and children in her reality show. An exceptional America needs an exceptional president. My president is Sarah Palin. This is Beth Mendenhall’s last opinion column, published posthumously. (April Fools!) Please send comments to opinion@spub. ksu.edu

“A purple glittery towel cape.”

Plagiarism, pot needed to make students productive Marie Gardner FRESHMAN, PRE-NURSING

“A red sparkly one. Duh.”

Balasubramanyn Meenakshisundaram

Jessica Henry FRESHMAN, ACCOUNTING

“Tie-dye, jersey material, and bedazzled with rhinestones.”

Katelyn Gilmore FRESHMAN, FOOD SCIENCE

“Wonder Woman’s!”

Katelyn Bryan FRESHMAN, FAMILY STUDIES

To learn more about capes and get ideas for designs, check out the edge page.

Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. You always come across the people that strive to be perfect in every way, especially in a college atmosphere. They do genuine research, they finish their homework on time, they like to take care of their business themselves and they even make their own food. Here, everyone wants to be the best. “Best” is a superlative word and hence is sparsely used, just as excellence is not a virtue one would come by on an everyday basis. But in all this pursuit of perfection, the beauty of imperfection is lost. I am going to talk about these imperfections, the betters and the goods. All that are frowned upon for not being the best, the lotuses blossoming in the swamps of college life and their holy practices such as procrastination, plagiarism, dumb memorizing, pot, all of which are necessities of a healthy college life. Let us take up plagiarism first. This is probably the most frowned upon action in the literary and scholastic community. I mean, how bad could it be to steal another man’s idea? Haven’t we all played finders keepers when we were kids? And if the person cannot protect his work, does he even deserve to take credit for it? There are also many ad-

illustration by Kelsey Welliver vantages to plagiarism, to the one that follows it, according to the Nov. 9, 2010, blog “The Advantages of Plagiarism” on cfpnyc.com. For starters, it conserves a lot of valuable time, which can be used for other productive activities like smoking pot and chasing girls and getting hammered. Technology has made it so easy, that with just a combination of a few key strokes you can make an entire document yours. Other advantages include saving energy and earning the esteem of colleagues, since you are bound to get your work done on time since it is just copy paste. One could also end up making a lot of friends if one sticks religiously to his plagiaristic ways. People will eventually come to know and will all

need either advice or help. They might even offer co-authorship in their next publication in return for the expert services. Next on the list is procrastination. No student can say he has never had this conversation with himself: “Oh my God, I have the assignment due this Friday,” but after some thought, “It’s only Monday, I have a lot of time. I will do it tomorrow. Now I will watch a movie.” And on Thursday evening, “Oh man, it’s Thursday already? This is so unfair. I need more time.” Then the midnight oil is burnt and a hapless effort to finish it on time goes on, sometimes successful and most of the times not. A wise man (yours truly) once said, “A procrastinator is not a lazy low life, but a real

optimist.” It takes immense courage and optimism and self belief to put off something until the nick of time. This was my mantra whenever I was postponing something or putting it off and believe me it did gather quite some following. I am sure there are a lot more out there that share this ideology of mine. Up next is the ever present dilemma of understanding the concepts. There’s always this lurking question of “Why? This doesn’t make sense. Why can I not just memorize this page and proceed? I’m sure it’s not the end of the world.” Let’s face it. We have all been through this (nerds excluded). Not everybody is of equal capacity. Some have a great analytical mind to delve into

concepts and others have an eidetic memory. Well what is wrong in using what you have? Let the nerds do it their way and we do it our way. Besides, most of the eastern cultures are brought up never to question anything told to them and just accept it at face value. So memorizing would be the natural choice. Also, memorizing does save a lot of gray cells in the brain which can be used for other tasks such as predicting the NCAA champions, or guessing the course of “How I Met Your Mother” or even wondering why the world is round. And finally pot. It is a proven fact that marijuana has medicinal uses. Use of the drug for medicinal purposes is legal in 10 states of the U.S. already. The Drug Policy Alliance states in “Medical Uses of Marijuana: Pain” on drugpolicy.org that cannabis has been proven to be an effective painkiller and can give relief to patients suffering from a variety of painful diseases like cancer, AIDS, etc., and experience relief from their pain at a dosage far lesser than that of their normal drugs. Student life is a very stressful one. So, why not use this pot to get some stress relief and relax the brain cells without damaging them after a long day or a very hectic week? So go on folks. Smoke some weed today and relax, rebel against understanding concepts and save some gray cells, copy your homework for today from the nerds in class tonight and procrastinate and experience the pleasure it gives you and also the window of opportunities it opens up for you. And have a wonderful April Fools’ Day. Balasubramanyn Meenakshisundaram is a graduate student in electrical engineering. Please send comments to opinion@spub.ksu.edu

sports

page 4

Senioritis spreading, claiming intramurals

friday, april 1, 2011

kansas state collegian

JAKE OF ALL TRADES

Paul Harris senior staff writer Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. In a shocking bit of news, intramural sports for K-State have been canceled. While the longer-than-expected winter has hurt teams’ abilities to get on the field and practice, it appears that senioritis has reared its ugly head. In discussing the news with a staffer from Lafene, senioritis can be an intolerable disease. The disease’s symptoms range from unusually high levels of despondency to random attacks of slumber. While the disease tends to attack seniors, it has spread like wildfire throughout the K-State campus. “People are just so lazy,” said junior Joshua Joshuason. “I was working on an essay in the library last week and people just started falling asleep. Like they were walking and a second later were on the floor. It’s crazy.” Joshuason said the competitive vuvuzela team has not met for practice in nearly three months. He even wonders if the club ever actually existed. He is not alone in his thought process. Senior Sally Salamander Sallyson, a member of the rug burn squad said she has not attended a practice in nearly two months. Sallyson has yet to be affected by senioritis, but she said it’s becoming harder and harder to avoid the disease. “I have a job lined up. And isn’t that what college is all about? Finding a job? I don’t know. I am just starting to lose interest in everything around me.” Sallyson is a part of rare company. In a study released by a random college in the eastern region of the United States, every three in four seniors has been bitten by senioritis. The disease affects athletes at an even more alarming rate. Every five in six athletes are affected. According to the study, “Athletes, especially older athletes, start to realize that their body cannot take the wear and tear. Many also start to realize that athletics is not going to bring them riches and fame.”

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP* According to some college in the eastern region of the U.S.:

3/4 5/6

college seniors are suffering from senioritis. college athletes are affected by the disease.

*This is made up. Sallyson agreed with these findings. “I thought being able to withstand 15 rug burns would take care of my family for life. But after doing some reading, I realized that it was not worth it. I cannot put my body through the rigors of this sport anymore,” Sallyson said while rubbing some lotion on a rug burn she sustained nearly two weeks ago. Others are looking to pick up the pieces. Freshman Fritz Frankers, an out-of-state student, said he came to K-State for its outstanding hot dog eating team. Frankers said that he is looking to transfer to Joey Chestnut’s Academy of Gluttony in the near future. “I just cannot take it anymore. I started staging hot dog eating contests of my own and while that was fun for a while, competitive is much more fun when you are doing it with friends.” Frankers said he hopes the team can overcome senioritis, but his phone calls often go unanswered. He also failed to understand how senioritis worked. “I am only taking 12 credit hours here. I just do not see why it is so hard to go to class and be involved.” Officials have been looking for a way to cure the disease, but after nearly 40 years of research, the disease appears incurable. Intramural sports have become another one of senioritis’ victims. As they say in sports though, there is always next year.

photo illustration by Anthony Drath

Former K-State point guard Jacob Pullen dives for the ball during a soccer game. Pullen is trading in his numerous pairs of basketball shoes for soccer cleats.

Pullen foregoes NBA, chooses professional soccer

Joshua Madden Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. For those of you following Jacob Pullen on Twitter, you may have noticed many of his recent tweets seem to indicate that Pullen is about to make a big announcement. There is only one reasonable conclusion to come to: Jacob Pullen will be playing professional soccer after graduation. Although many people have speculated that Pullen will play basketball professionally after college, recent posts of his on Twitter seem to reveal that a professional soccer career is much more likely. On Wednesday at 5:20 p.m., Pullen tweeted, “Got a few questions about Houston.” Although some people will probably point out that Pullen was actually attending the State Farm 3-point shooting

championship and the Reese’s College All-Star game in Houston, I personally think that he was actually wanting to know more about the soccer scene in Houston. You might be asking yourself what basis I have to make such a claim and I think it will be very easy to convince you when I show you this dynamite piece of information: Houston has a professional soccer team. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Houston Dynamo is in Houston. Jacob Pullen is in Houston. Coincidence? I think not. Still not convinced? Well here’s some more evidence: at 3:39 a.m. on March 26, Pullen tweeted, “I use to sleep like normal people till I realized I wasn’t normal.” You know who else isn’t normal? Professional soccer players. Statistically, the vast majority of people are not professional soccer players, which would seem to indicate that professional soccer players are not normal. When one combines this with the fact that Pullen himself has admitted that he is not normal (as proven by the fact that he no longer sleeps like normal people), it seems really clear that Pullen must have realized that he is going to be a professional soccer player and therefore is not normal. Most convincingly, however, is Pullen’s tweet posted 5:41 p.m. on

March 24 where Pullen states, “I wanna say thanks to all the people that supported me on my journey in college now it’s time for another.” Time for another what? Another four years in college? Unlikely. Another sport, like soccer? Very likely. It’s the only reasonable conclusion to make here, given everything that Pullen is posting. We have a situation where Pullen is in a city that has a professional soccer team, he has admitted that he is not a normal person — and as we’ve established, neither are professional soccer players — and finally, Pullen has said it’s time for another journey. Given all of this information, how could any reasonable person not come to the conclusion the Jacob Pullen will be playing soccer after college? I think now that I’ve clearly established that Pullen will be playing soccer professionally, I will be going through the three most likely teams for him to join: 1. The Houston Dynamo — This may seem like an obvious choice for Pullen given that he is already announced that he has a few questions about Houston, but it may actually not be as clear of a front runner as one might think. Why does Pullen have questions about Houston? If he was ready to sign up for the team, he wouldn’t have any questions, would he? Pullen’s

announcement seems to indicate that he is considering the Dynamo but not ready to sign the dotted line. 2. The Los Angeles Galaxy — David Beckham currently plays for the Galaxy. Who wouldn’t want to play soccer with him? Pullen and Beckham have a lot in common, most notably the fact that they’re most famous for doing things other than playing professional soccer. Beckham is most famous for being married to Posh Spice and Pullen is most notable for playing college basketball. And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t turn on a soccer game to watch Pullen and Beckham play soccer together? It just seems obvious. 3. Chicago Fire — Pullen is from a suburb of Chicago originally and the Chicago Fire is based out of Bridgview, Ill. — another suburb of Chicago. Coincidence? I think not. It’s almost like Pullen was born to play professional soccer. I think I’ve made a really strong case here for Pullen’s likely future journey into Major League Soccer. Given how much evidence I’ve presented here today, I think it’s clear that any rumors to the contrary are totally unfounded. Joshua Madden is a senior in political science and history. Please send comments to sports@spub.ksu.edu.

Rowing team encounters sharks in San Diego Stephanie Carr sports and multimedia editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. The K-State rowing team shared the water with an unusual competitor in San Diego on Thursday. They paddled with sharks. The crew is currently in California to compete in three divisions of the San Diego Crew Classic, which is the premier spring event in the sport. The three boats representing the Wildcats went out into Mission Bay for a morning practice when they spotted what appeared to be fins sticking out of the choppy water. Unsure of what they saw, the boats continued with the traffic pattern. As K-State got closer, they realized that they had, in fact, rowed into school of sharks

along with a couple other schools’ boats. They turned back and raced to the safety of dry land. Not all boats in the area got away unscathed. After a Nebraska boat accidentally hit a shark with an oar, it snapped back and chomped down on it. The shaft of the oar was no match for the irritated shark and broke off. No rowers from any team were injured in the incident. The current Wildcat crew was unavailable for comment about their ordeal due to preparations for the competition. However, former members of the team shared support for their “sisters” of the coast. “I’m so glad they are all safe,” said junior and former rower Sara Tullis. “I am still close with several of the girls and can only imagine how shaken they are right now. The Nebraska crew is lucky it only bit the oar instead of the boat itself.” Senior Casey Bell shared Tullis’ relief and shared memo-

ries from her last race in San Diego. “I remember paddling to the starting line, which is right next to Sea World,” Bell said. “I was joking with the girl in front of me and behind me about the possibilities of something escaping from there. We could see Shamu’s tank, so our imaginary race plan was to break the whale out and it would carry us to the finish line for the win.” Both Tullis and Bell said they could not remember seeing any water creatures other than an occasional fish jumping out of Tuttle Creek Lake during their years of rowing practices and races. In San Diego, this was not the first time sharks have caused trouble in the area. Three years ago this month, a 66-year-old triathlete was killed by a shark in San Diego Bay. More recently, an eight-foot Mako shark was found last January washed up on the shore of Mission Bay. It made local

photo illustration by Jennifer Heeke

K-State rowers prepare to toss their coxswain into the water after a win. Shortly after the toss, the team noticed the shark in the water. There were no injuries. headlines because it was missing its jaw and head. A man later came forward and admitted he had cut them off for a friend. The competition will begin Saturday as scheduled, with KState’s three boats competing

in the first round of heats at 8 a.m., 10:50 a.m. and 11:20 a.m. The order of those races will be 1st Varsity, 2nd Varsity and 1st Novice. All races are eightperson boats, as the San Diego Crew Classic is not open for four-person boat divisions.

K-State announces competitive spelling bee team Joshua Madden staff writer Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. On Tuesday, the K-State Athletics department announced the creation of a competitive spelling bee team to begin competing in this fall. Officials said spelling competitions are a “new frontier” for collegiate sports and that by creating a team before other colleges do, they could be ahead of the curve. “I’m really looking forward to it,” an official said, requesting to remain anonymous. “We talked about a lot of different sports as areas where

we could possibly expand and decided unanimously that this was the best option.” This same official said there were a lot of good reasons to create the program, including the fact that because spelling competitions are open to both men and women, the program would not be affected by Title IX. “Normally if we created a new program, we’d have to create another one for the other gender,” the official said. “With spelling bees, we don’t have that problem.” Another advantage of creating a competitive spelling team is that all of the potentials being recruited are already on a full-academic scholarship, so the athletic department does not actually have to give them anything. “Anyone who can spell

‘monosyllabiac’ off the top of their head is probably getting a full ride just for their ACT score,” the official said. “So this program shouldn’t cost us any money that we’re not already spending.” Reactions on campus were mixed, with many students feeling like it may not be the best route to be pursuing. Jenny Talbot, senior in English, felt like it may be a poor reflection of K-State. “It seems kind of below our academic level,” Talbot said. “I mean, don’t most of these competitions stop after elementary school? But then again, I’m a senior in English and I can’t spell ‘septuaganarian,’ so maybe it’s a little more advanced then it gets credit for.” Wesley Bates, sophomore in business, said he was very

upset that K-State was creating a spelling bee team instead of investing in other sports. “I can’t believe this,” Bates said. “We don’t have a soccer team or a swimming team and those sports are way more athletic than spelling bees are.” When asked to address this criticism, the anonymous official said, “With respect to Mr. Bates, he could simply not be more wrong. The national spelling bee is broadcast every year on ESPN, what could possibly be more athletic than that? That’s even for elementary school kids, so I would think that bringing this sport to the collegiate level would get it even more coverage.” Some recent teams to recede from the Big 12 will not be competing, the official said. “Well, I know that Ne-

braska and Colorado will not be because no one there can read or write,” the official said. “Otherwise they probably would have been able to figure out that leaving the Big 12 was a terrible idea.” Johnny Illby, junior in animal sciences, said he was excited about the new program. “We already beat KU in both football and basketball this year, so creating something new to beat them in sounds like a great idea to me,” he said. The team’s first tournament is scheduled for this September at Regency Place Elementary School in Olathe. “I just hope we don’t lose to a fifth grader,” Talbot said. “I mean, I’ve seen that Jeff Foxworthy show and some of those rascals can really spell.”

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PILL POPPIN’ ‘Roofies’ new weight loss pharmaceutical trend Kelsey Castanon edge editor

5 tips for upcoming blizzard readiness

Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. As of yesterday, makers of the illegal drug rohypnol — more commonly known as a “roofie” or the “date rape drug” — have officially altered its ingredients for a better-intentioned result. Instead of marketing to the previously targeted audience with the promise of an enhanced effect of alcohol, the street drug has changed its pledge to weight loss. The “roofie” weight loss treatment is still in the form of a pill, like many other weight loss methods, however the size of the initial pill has been reduced to half its size in order to minimize potentially harmful side effects. The weight loss program works like this: the pill is taken orally up to 30 minutes prior to bedtime. The effects, which according to drugfree. org, generally include extreme muscle relaxation, disorientation and sleepiness, and can last any time between 6 to 8 hours. By the next morning, the presumed side effects, such as nauseousness, come into play. “It’s absolutely nuts. All I did was go to bed and when I woke up the next morning, I was five pounds lighter,” Morgan Freeman, sophomore in political science, said in his blog “Diary of a true wimpy kid.” “You would never think, but (rohypnol is) the best way to lose a few pounds for me. It’s better than Special K.” While the new rohypnol weight loss method has worked for some, obtaining the drug in the U.S. is a difficult thing to do, considering it is illegal. However, prescriptions are widely given in various parts of Europe to treat sleeping disorders such as insomnia, according to the Institute for Substance Abuse Treatment Evaluation. Traveling, however, is always a valued option. Freeman suggested the roofie pill should be legal in the U.S. because cutting the dosage in half would make side-effects much less dangerous. “People should look into it,” he said. However, some might also suggest only getting it solely for yourself - not for other people. “I’ve never been roofied by anyone per se,” said Zachary Lifinakis, senior in English. “Except for myself, but no one should ever put that stuff in someone else’s pina colada. What if they don’t even want

Joshua Madden Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. As all of you should know already, there is a major blizzard heading this way this weekend. It’s not going to be sunny — the streets are going to be filled with snow and the weather is going to be awful. I’ve heard it might be one of the worst storms ever. There is talk of creating a new class — Natural Disasters II — just to study this blizzard. This is just in time for enrollment too, how convenient is that? With this weekend’s predicament, it’s necessary to take precautions to prepare. That’s why I decided to take the time to write up a list of five things you can do to make sure you make it through the storm. 1. Wear as little as possible Some people might say this is not a smart thing to do during a blizzard, but they’re wrong. If you’re driving around and you see someone on the side of the road next to their broken car, who are you more likely to pick up, the girl in her bikini or the frat guy in his North Face jacket? Exactly. And don’t feel too bad for the frat guy, because he’ll just call some pledge to pick him up.

Photo Illustration by Jennifer Heeke

Manny Faces, senior in hand modeling, takes a “roofie” to drop a couple pounds from his frame. Faces said this works better than other alternatives because he can actually digest food. to lose weight? It’s not like a weight loss smoothie, it’s super serious.” But what has truly surprised many people is more men seem to be buying the pill for themselves, rather than for taking advantage of another individual, namely women.

“I was grossed out when I found the “roofie” pill in my boyfriend’s house, but then he told me it was for this new weight loss thing,” said Maria Steele, senior in accounting. “At first I thought ‘yeah right,’ but then I noticed he started to lose five, 10 pounds each week. I believe it now. He’s

hot.” But not everyone is happy with the high praise the street drug has received. According to the National Health for Women Across America, making rohypnol seem desirable is the worst mistake to make, ever. “(Rophenol) is not going

to make you more attractive. High doses will make you unconscious, even unable to speak, and that is not sexy. End of story,” a NHWAA spokesperson said. Regardless of the varied opinions, it seems like the weight loss method containing rohypnol is here to stay.

Hottest spring trend takes flight in Manhattan Paige Steele Staff writer Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegin. com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day.

Photo Illustration by Jennifer Heeke

Capes can be a means of self expression. Use capes to be different from everyone else while at the same time being exactly what everyone else is.

The battle between good and evil dates back to Biblical times. This concept has held appeal to both young and old, men and women. And with a string of recent super hero blockbusters such as the Spiderman trilogy, Watchmen and Batman, the newest spring trend should not come as a surprise to anyone. The cape trend took off last fall in Italy when the renowned couture designer, Gustovo Bennedici, had an idea that would allow normal people to feel like their favorite superhero, all the while looking chic and fly. Since then, the cape trend has made its way to the U.S. at an alarming rate and has already been spotted all over Lawrence. “The cape trend came as no surprise to me. As a fashion forecaster, I need to stay current with all the upcoming trends and was actually the first in Lawrence to have one. No big deal,” said Blair Smith, student at the University of Kansas. The cape can come in many different sizes, styles and colors. Some students prefer to start out with a smaller cape and work their way up to a bigger one. With summer just around the corner, a small cape would be worth investing in. “We’ve just gotten an abundance of capes in at Kieu’s,” Emily Keasling said. “They came to us in beautiful fabrics

and spring colors and are already selling out very quickly.” Many students have found the capes to be a means of selfexpression. By ordering personalized capes from the internet, students are able to add quotes such as “You might be a redneck if…,” “KU Killer” or “Princess.” Others have gone with their favorite sports team or movie star. Embroidering greek letters is also another popular way to personalize your cape. “I put my fraternity letters on my cape and Willie the Wildcat. My cape makes me feel masculine like Superman and like I’m representing both my fraternity and my school. Go State,” said Hans Dinkleman, senior in computer science. If you’re not a student, you may feel a bit apprehensive about trying a cape, but stop your worries because office dress codes are changing to allow for this upcoming trend. Studies have found that wearing capes in the office has boosted worker confidence and promoted innovation. “Since my employees have started wearing capes, productivity has increased 250 percent. The company is going beyond my wildest expectations. The workers seem so much happier and makes me wonder if these capes actually hold super powers,” said Frank Feeney, CEO of Lexon. Regardless of your personal style or views on the supernatural, this trend has something for everyone and will soon be seen not only all over the spring runways, but on campuses and offices across the country. Get yours today.

2. Count on K-State declaring a snow day Since the blizzard is going to hit us over the weekend, it seems really likely that the K-State administration will say that students do not need to come to class. This is just speculation on my part, since you never really know if K-State will actually declare a snow day or not. I think, however, it’s safe to bet you probably will not have to go to class this weekend. If you have homework due, you might still consider doing it, just in case K-State does decide to have class because, again, they really don’t seem to have any idea whether or not they should cancel class because of the weather. 3. Eat an actual Blizzard from Dairy Queen It’s a proven fact that eating Blizzards from Dairy Queen during a blizzard will make you feel better about yourself. There are probably a bunch of health reasons, but the most important thing is that you will appreciate the irony of your situation. Get a group together for the journey and make it a fun snow day event. The best thing about getting a group together is that if someone gets lost in the storm on the way there, you can just leave them and laugh about it later with whoever makes it back to the house. 4. Cuddle up and watch a movie There are a lot of movies that are particularly good to watch during a blizzard. Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell” comes to mind because it suddenly seems a lot better during a blizzard. Normally it’s a terrible movie that no one should ever go see, but during a blizzard, you’ll be watching the movie and thinking, “Wow, a place warmed by eternal fire might not be so bad right now.” Another example is M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Last Airbender.” You’re probably thinking to yourself that Shyamalan hasn’t made a decent movie since “Unbreakable” and you’re totally right. However, sitting through the movie is still probably better than freezing to death, so it doesn’t seem quite so unwatchable during a blizzard. That said, it’s still a close contest between the two for which fate is actually worse. 5. Become a vampire The best way to avoid being affected by the weather is to become a vampire. Because of his supernatural nature, Edward Sullen, sophomore in nutrition, says that he does not mind the cold weather. “Back before I was a vampire, I used to hate blizzards,” Sullen explained, “Now I love them. Hunting is so much easier during the cold. Normally I have to wait for a freshman sorority girl to get separated out from her pack. Half of the time they fall in love with me, so it gets pretty awkward. During a blizzard I can easily feed three or four times on the way to class, it’s great.” Josh Madden is a senior in political science and history. Send comments to edge@spub.ksu.edu.

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Harold, Kumar end up in the wrong ‘Apple’ Joshua Madden Staff Writer Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www. kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. Two recent college graduates, an Asian male identified only as “Harold” and an Indian male identified only as “Kumar,” recently came to Manhattan on accident after a misunderstanding at the airport. “We were on our way back from Amsterdam and we told the front desk that we wanted tickets to Manhattan,” Kumar said. “We, of course, meant Manhattan, N.Y., but instead we ended up here. That might explain why our flight was so much more expensive.” The two had decided to make the best of their situation and enjoy Manhattan as much as possible until they discovered some terrible news: Manhattan totally does not have a White

Castle. “We were looking all over, man,” Harold said. “We kept thinking that there had to be a White Castle somewhere, but we just couldn’t find one anywhere.” Kumar, who said he was under the influence of marijuana and possibly other drugs, said he was craving White Castle sliders and had absolutely no idea how he could satisfy his cravings. “I hear some gas stations sell, like, the frozen sliders, but those aren’t the same at all,” Kumar said. “Everyone knows that you can’t substitute actual White Castle with that frozen trash. It’s just not even close, you lose the experience.” White Castle, which was first established in Wichita, no longer operates any stores in the state of Kansas. “I can’t believe they started in Kansas and then left like that. That just seems mean-spirited. Even at best, it’s still really dumb,” Harold said.

Kumar said he was shocked that there are no White Castles in Kansas. “There are a bunch of White Castles in Manhattan, N.Y., but even though it started in Kansas, there aren’t any here in Manhattan, Kan.? There are even some in Missouri, so they must really hate you guys,” he said. Kumar also said one unintended advantage of ending up in the wrong Manhattan was he had a chance to issue a heart-felt apology to members of the community. “Me and my friend Neil were hanging out at the Pinstripe Bowl during halftime and we started eating a lot of shrooms. These were like some crazy good shrooms, they made you see all sorts of cool stuff. Anyways, we took kind of a lot and we might have given some to that one referee who blew the call at the end of the game,” Kumar said. “So basically, I’m really sorry about that.” Manhattan residents had mixed feelings about the duo’s

presence in the city. Jim Turner, junior in architectural engineering, said he had never heard of them. “I spend all of my time in studio, so I get kind of behind on pop culture,” Turner said. “Were they in a movie or something?” Kristen Cabonarri, freshman in something, said she was really excited the two came to Manhattan, even if it was on accident. “We have a lot in common,” Cabonarri said, “I like some of the same things they do, if you catch my drift. The best thing about it, however, has to be how much that Kumar guy looks like that one doctor on ‘House.’ What happened to him, anyways?” Although they said that they had fun in Manhattan and would like to come back in the future, their ride, a car driven by the Neil guy was there to pick them up. When asked where they were going next, Neil said, “Wherever God takes us.”

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Rent-Apt. Furnished MANHATTAN CITY Ordinance 4814 assures every person equal opportunity in housing without distinction on account of race, sex, familial status, military status, disability, religion, age, color, national origin or ancestry. Violations should be reported to the Director of Human Resources at City Hall, 785-5872440. LARGE, FURNISHED, four-bedroom, two bath duplex. Parking, across street from alumni center. August possession. 785-539-4073.

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ONE-BEDROOM, ONE bath basement apartment close to campus. Water and trash included. $495/ month. Emerald Property Management, 785-587-9000. NEWER, LARGE, two or three-bedroom apartments. Washer/ dryer in each unit. Ample parking. June or August lease starts, $820/ $960. 785-341-4024. FOUR-BEDROOM, TWO bath townhouse with off-street parking and your own laundry room. Eat-in kitchen. $1120/ month Emerald Property Management, 785-587-9000. ONE-BEDROOM BASEMENT of house available now and fourbedroom houses available August 1, 785-5398295.

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www.firstmanagementinc.com ONE-BEDROOM LOFT. Washer/ dryer. Off-street parking. Hardwood ﬂoors. No smoking or pets. $575/ month, plus utilities. Available June. 785- Rent-Condos & Townhouses 1110 POMEROY four-341-5290. bedroom, two bath FIVE-BEDROOM, TWO house with two car 1219 KEARNEY. Two-- and one-half bath. Brit- garage, washer/ dryer, bedrooms. Water and tany Ridge townhome. dishwasher, central air August trash paid. No pets. Au- Washer/ dryer, $1050/ conditioning. gust year lease. $760. month. Available Au- lease. $1200/ month. Doug 785-313-5573. 785-539-5136 gust 1. 785-250-0388.

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AUGUST PRE-LEASING. Several units close to campus, washer & dryer included. Some units less than 10 years old. Compassionate landlords providing housing for KSU students for over 25 years. www.wilksapts.com call or text 785-776-2102 or (text only) 785-317-4701 or 785-477-6295.

THREE-BEDROOM, ONE bathroom main ﬂoor aptartment. 931 Vattier $900/ month, available August 1. washer/ dryer/ window air. Fenced yard, dogs ok. 785-539-4949.

FOUR-BEDROOM TWO bath with washer/ dryer. Very spacious. Close to Aggieville, off-street parking. Call larry, 785-410-3455. LARGE ONE-BEDROOM. Available June 1. 785-712-7257. LARGE TWO-BEDROOM house. Washer and dryer, nice, clean and close to campus. 785-762-7191. ONE, TWO, three, four-bedroom well maintained. Next to campus. Washer, dryer, central air. Private parking. NO PETS. 785-5377050. ONE, TWO, three, fourbedroom apartments close to campus. 785539-5800. www.somersetmgmtco.com. ONE-BEDROOM LOFT. One block to campus. Reserved parking. Washer/ Dryer.Granite counters, ﬂat screen tv, stainless steel appliances. August lease. $675/ MONTH. 785447-0404.

THREE STYLES of four-bedroom condos ranging from $1150$1550/ month. Including lawn care, trash, snow removal and all applicances. August 1, year lease. No pets. Call 785-313-0751 for deT W I N R E N T . C O M . tails. NEW one, two, threebedroom apartments CLOSE to KSU. Washer/ dryer, granite, Rent-Houses & Duplexes pool, workout. No restrictions on pets. 7851717 DENHOLM, nice, 537-2096 four-bedroom, three TWO AND THREE-- bath. Available June 1. BEDROOMS. Close to West of campus. Pets Washer/ dryer, campus. Spacious. ok. Dishwasher, central air $1300/ month. 785-317conditioning, laundry fa- 7713. cility. No pets. June, Au- 315 KEARNEY, fourgust or summer sub- bedroom, two bath. lease. 785-539-0866. Washer/ dryer, fenced yard. Pets ok. $1000/ TWO-BEDROOM apartmonth. June 1. 785-317ment available June 1 713. or August 1. Pets allowed in some units. BEST HOUSES AND For more information LOCATIONS! Four to homes. please contact 785-456- Six-Bedroom All amenities, walk to 5329. KSU. Exceptional Value. T W O - B E D R O O M , June and August TWO bathroom apart- leases. www.capment, brand new. Col- stone3d.com Call Tony bert Hills, reserved 785-317-1013. parking available adjacent to KSU campus, CUTE AND CHARMFour-Bedrooms huge bedrooms, granite ING! counters, stainless walk to KSU. Spacious steel appliances, alarm with all amenities. June leases. system, 50’’ flat screen and August TV, $1100, June or Au- www.capstone3d.com gust, 785-313-6209. Call Tony 785-317-1013. www.fieldhousedev.com FIVE-BEDROOM, TWO bath house for rent. AuTWO-BEDROOMS, AUgust. E-mail thebrumGUST, across from City mett5@gmail.com. Park, washer and dryer in each unit, no FOUR-BEDROOM 900 pets, no smoking, $680. block of Claflin. June 1 to May 31. One and 785-539-0222. one-half bath, washer and dryer, fireplace, large kitchen, no pets. Rent-Condos & Townhouses 785-776-0327.

ONE-BEDROOM IN new complex close to campus and Aggieville. Available June 1, 2011. No pets. Contact John BRAND NEW! SILO 785-313-7473 or john- townhomes featuring girvine@sbcglobal.net. loft architechure. Available August 1. ThreeTECUMSEH LOFTS! Bedroom, two and oneState of the art award half baths. Two car winning design/ build. garage. Maintenence Capstone3D.com Call free. www.capstone3d.Tony 785-317-1013. com Call Tony 785-317THREEBEDROOM, 1013. 1.5 bath, central air, onsite laundry. Close to campus, water paid, no pets. 519 N. Manhattan, $885 and 1019 Fremont, $855. 785-5371746 or 785-539-1545.

FOUR/ FIVE-BEDROOM, TWO bath townhome, brand new, reserved parking available adjacent to KSU campus, huge bedrooms, walk-in closets, granite counters, stainless steel appliances, alarm system, 50’’ ﬂat screen TV, $1700, June or August, 785-4470404. www.ﬁeldhousedev.com NEWER FOUR-BEDROOM, two bathroom duplex. Washer/ dryer furnished, great location. $1160 per month. 785-410-4783. THREE-BEDROOM brick house close to campus. August lease. 930-990/ month. Washer/ dryer. No pets. 785-317-5026. THREE-BEDROOM HOUSE 917 Thurston. Newly remodled. August lease, $1200/ month. Off-street parking, washer/ dryer. 785447-0404. THREE-BEDROOM HOUSE 917 Bluemont. June lease. Washer / dryer, dishwasher. www.somersetmgmtco.com. 785-539-5800. TWO-BEDROOM BASEMENT apartment. June or August. Send email to thebrummett5@gmail.com. 925 AND 931 Bluemont. Four-bedroom DUPLEXES. SPACIOUS. Dishwasher. Two and a half bath. Fireplace, laundry hookups. No pets. 785539-0866.

FOUR-BEDROOM, two Employment/Careers bath house available for August 1 or sooner. Newly remodeled, includes washer/ dryer and all appliances, off-Help Wanted street parking, near campus, no pets. Call 785-766-9823. $1295 THE COLLEGIAN cannot verify the ﬁnancial per month. potential of advertisements in the EmployF O U R - B E D R O O M , ment/ Opportunities TWO bath. Washer, classiﬁcations. Readdryer, dishwasher, cen- ers are advised to aptral air conditioning and proach any such busilarge backyard. Avail- ness opportunity with able August 1. 785-342- reasonable caution. 3684. The Collegian urges our readers to contact the Better Business Bureau, 501 SE JefferRent-Mobile Homes son, Topeka, KS 66607-1190. 785-232$375 ONE BEDROOM, 0454. all bills included with internet! Cable is extra. Summer/ fall availability 785-462-0580. Please Leave a message.

Roommate Wanted AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY through July 31, female subleaser. Close to campus, private parking, pet friendly. 915 Colorado St., $275/ month. 620786-5722.

DETAIL/ RECONDITIONING Technician. Busy automotive shop looking for second shift (4:30- 11:00) Detail/ Reconditioning Technician. Applicants must have a valid driver’s license and pass drug TWO FEMALE room- screening. Contact Jay mates wanted, for three- 785-565-4045. bedroom house, $300/ month, utilities paid. June or August lease. EARN EXTRA money. Students needed as Call 785-537-4947. soon as possible. Earn up to $150 per day being a Mystery Shopper. No experience required. Sublease Call 1-888-726-8776. DOWNTOWN LOFT for sublease May 1 through July 2012. twobedroom, washer/ dryer, huge bath, quiet. No pets. $850/ month plus electric. Deposit and term negotiable. slwill507@yahoo.com. SUMMER SUBLEASERS needed for three-bedroom, two bath at Chase Apartments, $295 per bedroom. For more info call Ema at 620-770-1347 or email me at s04@ksu.edu.

FOUR-BEDROOMS, ONE bathroom house for rent. 900 Vattier, AvailAVAILABLE JUNE 1, $1100/ month. six-bedroom. Two able August 1. Washer/ blocks east of campus. dryer/ central air conditioning. Fenced yard, 785-539-3672. THREE AND four-beddogs ok. 785-539-4949. room apartments very FOUR-BEDROOM close to campus and ONE bathroom. Two Aggieville. 1611 blocks from campus 239 Tecumseh. Pet alRoommate Wanted Laramie. Large living room. Call 913-731lowed. $1180/ month. 1086 or 913-731-9566. Available June 1. 785R O O M M A T E S 317-1879. NEEDED immediately. F O U R - B E D R O O M All utilities included in HOME. Simply the best rent. www.wilksapts....location with all ameni- com. Call or text 785ties. Walk to KSU. www.- 776-2102 or (text only) capstone3d.com Call 785-317-4701 or 785Service Directory 477-6295. Tony 785-317-1013.

Other Services Rent-Houses & Duplexes Rent-Houses & Duplexes Rent-Houses & Duplexes Rent-Houses & Duplexes JUNE 1: $1300. four-bedrooms with large closets, 2 bathrooms, off street parking, washer, dryer, dishwasher. 622 Bluemont Call Barb 785-341-6669. NEW THREE-BEDROOM, two bath duplex with appliances. Washer/ Dryer hookup. Nine foot ceilings, double garage and deck. Pond behind duplex. No Pets, no smoking. Available April 1. $1150/ month plus deposit. 785-539-1795. or 785-313-4931. NICE THREE-BEDROOM house at 1741 Anderson Avenue. June lease. $1125/ month. Trash paid. Call KSU Foundation at 785532-7569 or 785-5327541. FOUR-BEDROOM, TWO and half bath townhouse with covered front and back porches. Great ﬂoor plan with off-street parking. $1120/ month. Emerald Property Management 785-587-9000.

SIX-BEDROOM HOUSES. Great locations. Pet friendly. Call Alliance today. 785-5392300. www.alliancemhk.com.

FOUR-BEDROOM house, 1713 cassell, washer/ dryer, dishwasher, updated kitchen, $1150 per month, pets ok. text/call 785-819-3518

CLEAN DUPLEX! Fourbedroom, two bath, all appliances, washer/ dryer included, dishwasher, close to campus. No pets, no smokT H R E E - B E D R O O M ing. Available August 1. A P A R T M E N T S / $1225/ $1275. 913-484FOUR-BEDROOM HOUSES. Great loca- 1236. HOUSE, two bathtions. Pet friendly. Call ALLIANCE today. 785- F O U R - B E D R O O M , rooms, close to KSU 539-2300 www.al- TWO bath (or three-- stadium, available Auliancemhk.com. bedroom with family gust 1 at $1300/ month. NO PETS. 785-410T H R E E - B E D R O O M , room) duplex with dou- 4291. TWO bathroom house. ble garage. Walk-out Additional, finished full finished basement. walk-out basement. Southwest part of Man- F O U R - B E D R O O M Washer/ dryer. No pets. hattan. $1300/ month. HOUSES. Great loca1. Emerald tions. Pet friendly. Call $960/ month. 785-556- August Property Management, Alliance today. 0662. 785-587-9000. 785-539-2300. TWO-BEDROOM www.alliancemhk.com. APARTMENTS/ F I V E B E D R O O M HOUSES. Great location. Pet friendly. Call HOUSES. Great loca- F O U R - B E D R O O M ALLIANCE today. 785- tions. Pet friendly. Call BRICK house across 539-2300 www.al- Alliance today. 785-539- from KSU sports com2300. www.alliancemhk.- plex. All appliances inliancemhk.com com. cluding washer, dryer TWO-BEDROOM, TWO and dishwasher. $1500 living areas, off street VERY NICE four or five-- per month. Emerald parking, washer/ dryer, bedroom. Available Property Management. dogs ok. $650 available June 1. 785-712-7257. 785-587-9000. now 785-313-3788.

THREE-BEDROOM, ONE and half bath house with garage, close to KSU sports complex. June 1. $1050/ month. Emerald O N E - B E D R O O M Property Management A P A R T M E N T S / 785-587-9000. HOUSES. Great locaLEASE. tions. Pet friendly. Call AUGUST ALLIANCE today. 785- Brand new four-bed539-2300. www.al- room, two bath house. Attached two-car liancemhk.com. garage and detached two-car garage. T W O - B E D R O O M , Washer/ dryer. No pets. HALF duplex. Half a $1400/ month 785-556block from campus with 0662. full unﬁnished basement. Off-street park- AVAILABLE NOW, ing. Only $625/ month. three-bedroom 722 Emerald Property Man- Thurston. Available agement 785-587-9000. June 1, three-bedroom 2217 Northview. AvailTWO-BEDROOM HALF able August 1, four-bedduplex. Half a block room 214 Westwood. from campus. Off-street 785-770-0491. parking. Only $575/ month. Emerald Property Management. 785587-9000. FOUR-BEDROOM DUPLEX completely remodeled recently. Beautiful hardwood ﬂoors. Half a block from campus with off-street parking. All appliances including washer, dryer and dishwasher. Hurry, this one won’t last long. $1300/ month. Emerald Property Management 785-587-9000.

Graphic Design Internship Fall 2011 Advertising Design - Kansas State Collegian If you are a graphic design major and would like an on-campus Fall 2011 internship for credit, consider advertising design. Your art department adviser’s permission is required. Stop by 113 Kedzie for an application or you can request an application by emailing wallen@ksu.edu.

Application deadline 4 p.m. Wednesday, April 27.

A LOCAL Manhattan physician is looking for a telemarketer. Parttime during the day, ﬂexible schedule, great pay and an immediate start! To apply please forward your resume to sdunlap@ahaanet.com

NEED SOME typing done? I can help! 10 cents per 60 characters counted. Justine Staten 785-565-1976. J u s t i n e _ S t a t e n @ y a h o o . com.

Help Wanted

HOWE LANDSCAPE Incorporated is looking to add a couple of foreman to our team. Landscape experience helpful but not required. Will train the right person. Pay dependent on performance with good beneﬁts available. Apply three ways, at 12780 Madison Road, Riley, call 785-7761697 to obtain an application, or e-mail us at askhowe@howelandscape.com. Applications will be taken until April 1.

MARKETING SERVICES, in the Kansas State University Division of Communications and Marketing, is seeking a student to help coordinate and execute the university’s online and social media campaign. More information at http://www.kstate.edu/vpcm/jobs/ To apply, e-mail letter of application and resume in PDF format to: vpcm@k-state.edu. Subject line: marketing student - social media. Candidates should indicate which social media sites they have experience with and are encouraged to provide work samples. Review of applications begins April 8; position is available immediately.

SUMMER JOBS WITH SALARY, HOUSING AND ALL MEALS PROVIDED! Rock Springs 4-H Center is seeking 4550 Summer Staff employees for the coming summer. Must be energetic, enjoy working with youth and spending time outdoors. Most positions are for recreation instructors in areas including team building, horses, environmental education, riﬂes, trap, archery, canoes, crafts, disc golf and lifeguards. Positions are also available in food service, maintenance and custodial departments. Rock Springs is located south of Junction City, Kansas on the edge of the Flint Hills. In addition to salary, housing and meals, we provide staff with free wireless Internet, free laundry services, use of the activities when groups are not in session and an opportunity to make an impact on the lives of youth that will last beyond your lifetime. For an application please visit our website at www.rocksprings.net or for more information you can contact Megan Page at mpage@rocksprings.net or 785-2573221.

HOWE LANDSCAPE Incorporated is accepting applications for laborers in several of their divisions. Must be 18 years of age, have a valid drivers license, and pass a pre-employment drug test. We can work with class schedules, but prefer four hour blocks of time. Starting wages are $8.50/ hour. Apply three ways, in person Monday-Friday at 12780 Madison Rd Riley, call 785-7761697 to obtain an application, or e-mail us askhowe@howelandscape.com.

I AM a wheelchair bound female with Cerebral Palsy currently looking for a morning attendant to get me out of bed using hoyer lift, assist with personal care and dressing. Would also be giving showers two days a week. Pay is through Home Team of Kansas. Minimum wage to start. Call between the hours of 10 a.FULL-TIME LONG- m. and 7 p.m. 785-456TERM position open on 2862. a large farming and cattle family operation. KSU STUDENT Need a good, honest, WANTED for newspahard-working employee per delivery position for who loves doing a good Fall 2011. Early mornjob farming and raising ing hours. Great pay. cattle. Experience and Pick up application in skills in areas of equipKedzie Hall room 103. ment operation, cattle Applications due Frifeeding and doctoring, day, April 22. pivots, mechanics, and a CDL very helpful. UPSCALE Great epuipment and LOCAL great environment. Japanese Restaurant is Salary based on experi- looking for wait staff, ence and ability. Send hostess, manager, barcontact information, tender. Good pay. 900 work experience, and Hayes Drive (Next to references to: Sch- Wal-Mart) 10 a.m. to 4 lessiger Farms 343 p.m. Call 347-781-9980 Southeast 100 Avenue. or yxco814@gmail.com. Ellinwood, Kan. 67526. Questions call 620-564- LOOKING FOR an ex3529. perienced cook for a great house, near camGAME DESIGNER as- pus. Send resume: Stusistant part time job. dent Publications, 103 Call 785-587-9561 ex- Kedzie, Box100 Mantension 2004 to apply. hattan, KS 66506. 315 Houston St. Suite A. HIRING IN-HOME nanny. Part-time. HOWE LANDSCAPE InNeeds to be able to corpoated is looking to work nights and be livhire a chemical applicaing in Manhattan during tor. Experience is helpthe summer. Please ful but will train the right contact Amie at 785person. Will work with 213-7968. schedule, but prefer to have a full time person. Apply three ways, at HELP WANTED for custom harvesting. Truck 12780 Madison Road, Riley, call 785-776- driver and grain cart op1697 to obtain an appli- erator. Good wages, guaranteed pay. Call cation, or e-mail us at askhowe@howeland- 9 7 0 - 4 8 3 - 7 4 9 0 , evenings. scape.com.

Want a campus job this summer or Fall?

Great Experience & Great Hours NO WEEKENDS

Apply for Advertising Sales Representative positions for the Kansas State Collegian. We’re looking for people who are reliable, creative, enthusiastic and who show initiative!

Pick up a job description and application in Kedzie 103. Questions? Email jharmon@ksu.edu

Applications due 4 p.m. Friday, April 22

MOTOCYCLE TECHNICIAN. Busy motorcycle/ automotive shop looking for motorcycle technician. Motorcycle brand certiﬁcations or ASE automotive certiﬁcation a plue. Job may also include automotive repairs from time to time. Contact 785-5655297.

Help Wanted Section

NEED EXTRA money this Summer? Tired of being bored all Summer long? Want a job that will look great on a resume? Be a mentor for High School students at Upward Bound/ Upward Bound Math & Science Programs! Not only is this a great opportunity to assist High School students academically, you will also help them have a fun ﬁlled Summer! For more information regarding this once in a lifetime opportunity call the Upward Bound/ Upward Bound Math & Science ofﬁce at (785) 532-6497. NOW HIRING experienced kitchen staff. Please apply at Coco Bolo’s. PART-TIME PHARMACY tech/ clerk in Wamego. Must have experience. 785-456-9292 or mail applications to P.O. Box 227 Wamego, KS 66547.

TRUCK DRIVERS needed for 2011 Silage Harvest season. Agriculture or mechanical experience preferred, but will train. CDL required. Housing in Wamego provided. If interested, please call for more information. Massieon Farms Harvesting Incorporated, J.T. Massieon, 785-313-1265 leave message. SERVICE DEVELOPMENT assistant. Busy automotive service department looking for a dependable, self motivated person. Duties include, but not limited to: answering phone calls, setting appointments, performing customer relations/ satisfaction calls, and tracking various aspects of shop performance. Hours will be 3- 8 p.m. MondayFriday and 7- 6 Saturdays. Requirements: Previous dealership service department experience and good phone skills. Good computer skills (Excel, ADP) preferred. Contact Pat Saunders at 785-5644062.

AUTOMOTIVE TECHNICIAN. Very busy car dealership looking for technician. ASE Certification preferred, but not STUDENTPAYOUTS.required. Contact 785- COM. paid survey tak565-5297. ers needed in Manhattan. 100% free to join. BARTENDER, WAIT Click on surveys. STAFF AND DOORMAN. So Long Saloon ADMINISTRATIVE OFis now hiring, please ap- FICE Coordinator ply in person. sought by thriving Manhattan non-profit. FullBARTENDING! $300 a time with benefits possiday potential. No experi- ble. Respond with reence necessary. Train- sume by April 8 to ing provided. Call 800- exec@bgclubmanhat965-6520 extension tan.com. 144. CHIPOTLE. WORK at a place where you ACTUALLY like to eat the food. Now hiring for all shifts. Apply in person at 606 N. Manhattan Ave. CUSTOM HARVEST help wanted for summer. Part-time. Texas to South Dakota. Combine and truck drivers with CDL. Call 785-5292465. DIGITAL ARTIST wanted. Call 785-5879561 extension 2004 to apply.

Business Opportunities THE COLLEGIAN cannot verify the ﬁnancial potential of advertisements in the Employment/ Opportunities classiﬁcations. Readers are advised to approach any such business opportunity with reasonable caution. The Collegian urges our readers to contact the Better Business Bureau, 501 SE Jefferson, Topeka, KS 66607-1190. 785-2320454.

Pregnancy Testing Center

539-3338 1015 N. Thi www.PTCkansas.com

Open Saturdays 10am-2pm

Topics in Mass Communications MC 290 Limited enrollment. Instructor permission required. Earn class credit working No prerequisites necessary. with the ad design/production staff on the Kansas State Collegian during fall Stop by Kedzie 113 for semester 2011. an application or you can request an application by emailing wallen@ksu.edu

Application deadline 4 p.m. Wednesday, April 27

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page 8

friday, april 1, 2011

kansas state collegian

Hospital collecting mom jeans, boring bras for new mothers Weight gain, loss of sex appeal require new clothing options Sam Diederich news editor Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Visit www.kstatecollegian.com for real stories. Happy April Fools’ Day. Parenthood can bring on a number of challenges. A newborn can add financial strain to a marriage, drain parents’ energy, and take away free time that was once used for romance and adventure. The new burden can be overwhelming, but one local hos-

pital is determined to reach out to parents struggling with the transition from independence to encumbrance. Holy Trinity Regional Hospital in Manhattan is conducting a drive for mom jeans and boring bras that will be donated to new and expecting mothers. “New moms really underestimate the physical changes that are caused by childbirth,” said Travis Gratton, general practice doctor and obstetrician at Holy Trinity. “They might be able to fit into sexy, slim jeans before the kid, but they can forget about it afterward. They need to wear something a little roomier. They need a jeans equivalent to a mini-van.” Gratton said new moms often try

to fit back into their old jeans after giving birth, which can result in a deformity known in the medical world as “muffiniscus topulus.” “Imagine trying to jam a megamarshmallow into a shot glass,” Gratton said. “You’ll get some in, but a lot of the marshmallow is going to be hanging over the edge. The physics of it just don’t make sense.” Gratton did say that it is possible for new mothers to eventually get back down to their pre-birth weight, but such a drop in weight is rare. “People are lazy,” Gratton said. “And I don’t mean to pick on the women. Men are pretty bad as well. I myself started eating Chipotle and drinking every night after my kid was

born.” Gratton paused, gazing longingly at the horizon. “I just need something to help me escape, you know,” Gratton sighed. “Oh well.” Holy Trinity is not only accepting donated mom jeans. The hospital is also gathering bland, white, boring bras. “These bras are all about practicality. They have no lace or color. After having a kid, it’s not about trying to look sexy or sleek anymore,” Gratton said. “Your sex life is dead as soon as that kid comes out. Just move on. Get over it.” Some critics of the program have pointed out that new moms deserve

new mom jeans and new boring bras, and that the hospital was just being cheap by donating used clothing, but Gratton said giving used jeans and bras is about more than saving money. “You can really feel the crushed hopes and dreams of old moms in these used jeans and bras,” Gratton said. “The desperation, the despair, it’s really palpable. Some of them have tear stains.” Holy Trinity is still trying to determine the viability of a similar used clothing program for men. “It’s a little tougher to lock down what fathers need,” Gratton said. “Most of them just leave the family after the kid is born.”

STRIP CLUB | Men to dance bimonthly MARRIAGE | Soul battle rages on Continued from page 1 Sundoll and his alliance are not the only people out to destroy marriage. Ladies for Intimate and Professional Satisfaction, or LIPS, is also attacking the bond between man and woman. “LIPS isn’t about to sit on the sideline and let LAUGH

take down marriage on their own,” said Robin Ardly, member of LIPS. “We don’t like sitting on the sidelines at all, especially if it’s a rugby game or wrestling match. “And tell Larry Spuds to stop coming to our meetings. He’s always interrupting us. He just yells stuff like

‘pillow fight’ or ‘get wet.’ It’s really obnoxious.” The battle for the soul of marriage remains hotly contested, but LAUGH is sure they will have the last, well, laugh. “I once waited outside a Dillard’s for six hours for a sale on vests,” Sundoll said. “This is nothing.”

SHAME | Shady guys key to score Continued from page 1

Anthony Drath | Collegian

Contrustion material lay out Thursday afternoon ready for wokers to start building on the corner of 3rd and Leavenworth Streets.

Continued from page 1 doesn’t plan to be a regular. Cats Gone Wild will host guest performers, such as nationally known dancers and adult film stars. The owner of the prospective club said Cats Gone Wild will have special events on different days of the week. These events range from tame ‘pillow fighting’ to the more risque KY wrestling matches.

Unlike most strip clubs, Cats Gone Wild will offer entertainment for both adult entertainment avenues. On a bimonthly basis during a weeknight, the club will transform and the entertainment will be provided by male dancers. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, I guess,” said Bryan Wenze of Manhattan. Wenze said he is excited to not have to drive to Junction

City for adult entertainment. He specifically mentioned he would not be attending on nights the men are performing. The club will have a retail store front area that will sell adult DVDs, sex toys, “marital aids,” massage products and more. The retail store and strip club will be open Tuesday-Saturday from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. The opening is scheduled for this summer.

Check out Menu Mania every Monday for great restaurant deals.

bars are just filled with strange guys,” Deedrick said. “You know the type: guys who wear X-Box Tshirts or a hunting vest, maybe both at the same time. The type of guy who wants to be a stand-up comic or takes a lot of pride

in his bushy facial hair. Those guys are right in my strike zone.” Deedrick’s record is not without dispute. Competitors of Deedrick say she has traded quality for quantity. “It’s not good for the sport when she goes out and gets with these shady guys,” said Andrea Wenchenson,

Deedrick’s biggest rival. “One time, I saw her with a writer from The Collegian. That’s just despicable.” Deedrick isn’t fazed by the criticism. “Haters gonna hate,” Deedrick said. “A score is a score, and I’ve scored more points than any other girl in the game.”

Got a

Tipor Story or e-mail: Call 785-532-6556 collegian@spub.ksu.edu

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3.25 Wells 5 Bombs $ 3.25 Shots $

3.75 Domestic Bottles 4.50 Premium Bottles

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