04-01-19 by Kansas State Collegian

T H E I N D E P E N D E N T V O I C E F O R K A N S A S S TAT E U N I V E R S I T Y

vol. 124, issue 72

kstatecollegian.com NEWS

University to begin treating potential students like athletics recruits by Logan Reilly Following six consecutive semesters of declining spring enrollment, Kansas State University announced it will treat potential new students like sports team recruits to incentivize enrollment. Currently, K-State Athletics recruits are invited to big games, given great seats to watch sporting events from and are allowed to personally interact with the coaching staff. New Student Services is now planning to follow a similar process for new K-State students. Instead of taking potential new students on tours of campus, tour guides will now take potential students to lecture halls during midterms and finals. They will sit in the front rows, take the exams and additionally fill out TEVALs following their exams for the complete academic experience. Potential students will also receive a syllabus from all classes visited, invitations to random group projects and confusing, wishy-washy emails regarding class cancellations. In another groundbreaking move, New Student Services will now require potential students to enroll on KSIS for classes to visit prior to arriving in Manhattan. These changes will also affect the teaching staff. Much like how football and basketball coaches visit with their recruits, professors and teaching assistants will now have to do the same and hold hearty conversations with every potential K-State student.

see page 7, “ENROLL”

@kstatecollegian kansas state collegian

monday, april 1, 2 0 1 9

BREAKING: K-State still holding classes despite literal apocalypse in Manhattan

KYLE HAMPEL

THE COLLEGIAN

After a portal to the demonic realm opened in the sky over Bosco Plaza early this morning, the Kansas State administration has announced the university will still be holding classes for the foreseeable future. “A demonic invasion is confirmed to be taking place on the Manhattan #KState campus,” K-State tweeted. “Please exercise extreme caution and put personal safety first. Priests, rabbis and soldiers will be dealing with the threat. Students should use their best judgment when deciding to come to class.” Eyewitnesses have confirmed Anderson Hall is already under demonic rule, and demons are likely to begin spreading to other buildings on campus as the day goes on. “They just ... flew out of the sky on their weird wings and stuff,” said Vergil Alighieri, sophomore in English and political science. “I got up early to study for a midterm and I just see this giant wormhole open in the clouds. Then lightning starts shooting out all over the place. What the hell — literally!” Various students have been dodging fireballs and lightning bolts on their way to class today. Trish McLady, senior in human development, said one of her homework assignments got burned

Photo illustration by Kyle Hampel | COLLEGIAN MEDIA GROUP

Ferocious demons attack Anderson Hall with fire and lightning after a portal to the demonic realm opened in the sky on the morning of April 1, 2019. to ashes on her way to Eisenhower Hall. “Some imp zombie thing on top of Anderson tagged me with a fireball,” McLady said. “It only hit my backpack, but now my Spanish homework is toast. Couldn’t these things have invaded Lawrence in-

Bill Snyder announces presidential campaign for 2020 election

stead?” When asked why she was going to class today, McLady shrugged and said, “They don’t give out attendance points in hell.” K-State has developed a reputation for being the last major university in Kansas to cancel classes

during inclement weather, and President Richard Myers explained that it is no different during the apocalypse.

see page 6, “DOOMSDAY”

REVIEW: ‘Fifty Shades of Purple’ a perfect romance for K-Staters

monday, april 1, 2019 The Collegian welcomes your letters. We reserve the right to edit submitted letters for length and style. A letter intended for publication should be no longer than 600 words and must be relevant to the student body of K-State. It must include the author’s first and last name, year in school and major. If you are a graduate of K-State, the letter should include your year(s) of graduation and must include the city and state where you live. For a letter to be considered, it must include a phone number where you can be contacted. The number will not be published. Letters can be sent to letters@ kstatecollegian.com or submitted through an online form at kstatecollegian.com. Letters may be rejected if they contain abusive content, lack timeliness, contain vulgarity, profanity or falsehood, promote personal and commercial announcements, repeat comments of letters printed in other issues or contain attachments. The Collegian does not publish open letters, third-party letters or letters that have been sent to other publications or people.

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EDITORIAL BOARD Kaylie McLaughlin Rachel Hogan The Bosses © Dené Dryden Assistant to The Bosses © Rafael Garcia Resident newsie Bailey Britton Peter Loganbill Apprentice newsies Macy Davis Book enthusiast

Rebecca Vrbas Amateur book enthusiast

Gabby Farris Colton Seamans Print wizards

Molly Hackett Drill sergeant

Olivia Bergmeier Really good with Photoshop

Nathan Enserro Julia Jorns Coach Fritz fans Olivia Rogers Leah Zimmerli Perspective inspectors Kyle Hampel Spellchecker

Monday

CORRECTIONS In the March 29 issue of the Collegian, the story “NASA scientist, K-State graduate shares Mars rover work in Union” incorrectly states Lamm’s association with NASA. Lamm is a team member working on the Mars rover Curiosity and a graduate research assistant at Northern Arizona University. The Collegian regrets the error. If you see something that should be corrected, call co-editors-in-chief Rachel Hogan and Kaylie McLaughlin at 785-370-6356 or email news@kstatecollegian.com.

Logan Wassall Kyle Hampel Video and graphic “artists” Monica Diaz Autumn Mock Instagram models

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The Collegian, a student newspaper at Kansas State University, is published by Collegian Media Group. It is published Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays during the school year and on Wednesdays during the summer. Periodical postage is paid at Manhattan, KS. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to 828 Mid-Campus Drive South, Kedzie 103, Manhattan, KS 66506-7167. First copy free, additional copies 25 cents. [USPS 291 020] © Collegian Media Group, 2019

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monday, april 1, 2019

KSDB radio will change call letters to KUSX soon

With Bosco retiring, K-State announces Mat Mosco as replacement

RAFAEL GARCIA

In a move that took the Kansas State community by surprise, the university announced Monday that it had concluded its search for a new administrator to replace Pat Bosco, retiring vice president of student life and dean of students, before the search had even really begun. At a press conference in Bosco Plaza attended by most top-level university administrators, with the notable exception of Bosco, President Richard Myers introduced the search committee’s new pick: Mat Mosco, who was also at the conference. “I am beyond pleased to announce the hiring of Mat,” Myers said. “I’m not too familiar with the details, but Mat comes to us after a 50-year career at another Big 12 institution. It’s so strange I’ve never heard of Mat before, but he comes highly recommended by our very own Pat Bosco, so I’m inclined to trust his judgement.” The tall, mustachioed Mosco, wearing an all-purple suit, then took the podium. He spoke just as much

THE COLLEGIAN

Spring is a time of new beginnings, and for the student-run radio station at Kansas State University, April will be a time of change. As part of the festivities celebrating the station’s 70th anniversary, KSDB-FM announced on its morning show Monday that it will be rebranding and changing its call letters to KUSX. “We’re really wanting to embrace our campus pride, and that’s where this comes in,” said Zach St. Clair, program director for KUSX-FM and junior in English. “We think some healthy rivalry isn’t a bad thing, especially considering what we said is true.” When asked if the station understood the implication of the new call sign, which St. Clair pronounced as “K-U-Sux,” St. Clair said the station was aware. “We said what we meant,” St. Clair said. The call letter change comes as part of the station’s overall rebranding efforts, which include a celebration this Friday at 12:30 p.m. in the Union Courtyard. The event will include free food and the chance to win tickets to a Cardi B concert.

RAFAEL GARCIA THE COLLEGIAN

with his hands as he did with his voice. “K-State? Hadn’t even heard of it before yesterday,” Mosco said through clenched teeth. “I’ve liked it enough in the few hours I’ve been here, though. The Purple Pride at Call — err, I mean, the purple ice cream at that one place — is to die for.” When asked by a member of the press how he had found a custom purple suit so quickly, Mosco said he found it “in the back of a broom closet” earlier today. “I actually … hate the color purple,” Mosco said, wincing with every word. “It’s just not me.” Several audience members reported seeing Mosco taking off a conspicuous, purple-stoned class ring during his speech. When asked if he thought it’d be difficult to step into the shoes of a man who had lived and breathed K-State for the past half century, Mosco said he was “absolutely certain” both he and Bosco shared the same shoe size. At press time, Bosco could not be reached for comment on his replacement.

Olivia Bergmeier | COLLEGIAN MEDIA GROUP

Mat Mosco will be the new dean of students, filling in the big shoes of his retiring predecessor, Pat Bosco.

Bill Snyder announces bid for 2020 presidential candidacy in Manhattan KAYLIE MCLAUGHLIN MOLLY HACKETT THE COLLEGIAN

Mason Swenson | COLLEGIAN MEDIA GROUP

Bill Snyder addresses the crowd during his campaign announcement on April 1, 2019. Snyder said his campaign will focus on his 16 pillars of success and common sense policies.

In a press conference held at the Vanier Football Complex in Manhattan, former Kansas State football coach Bill Snyder announced his plan to run for President of the United States in the 2020 general election. In his brief remarks, Snyder said his campaign would be modeled after his 16 pillars of success, which guided his Wildcat football team to 500 alltime wins and became the subject of a children’s book he co-authored with Jefferson Knapp called “Take It from Me.”

“I’ve always been a coach,” Snyder said. “I would view the presidency as just another coaching position.” Snyder, a registered Republican, said he plans to model his campaign on common sense policies. When asked by a member of the press what he would do to fight political corruption in the White House, Snyder said he would make his staff do “at least 100 push-ups daily” to “purge them” of any ill intent. Though the bid is unofficial at this time, Snyder also announced his plan to run alongside Eric Stonestreet, K-State alumnus and Hollywood actor famous for his role on the TV show “Modern Family.” “Coach has been an integral part of growing the K-State Family,” Ston-

estreet said over the phone. “He plans to build America in that same way.” Students like Jimmy Olsen, junior in accounting, have indicated that they already plan to vote for Snyder and strongly approve of his campaign. “I don’t even know what he’s planning to do, but he can’t be any worse than what we usually get nowadays,” Olsen said. “I’d follow Coach Snyder anywhere. The man’s like a golden god, but with glasses.” Snyder, if elected in 2020, would be the oldest president elected in the United States at 80 years old on November 3, 2020. Snyder would beat the previous record holder, Ronald Reagan, who was 73 years old when he was elected to his second term in 1984.

monday, april 1, 2019

K-State to construct another new building that isn't made of limestone KYLE HAMPEL

THE COLLEGIAN

As part of a deal with several local construction companies and architecture firms, administrators at Kansas State University announced today that another new building is being constructed on the Manhattan campus without a single limestone brick in the entire project plan. The building, currently being referred to as the Open Option Building due to lacking a real name, is expected to be finished in 2024, according to a press release included in the April 1 edition of K-State Today. “We wanted to take our time with this project so we could get everything right on the first try,” the release reads. “At K-State, we believe a university education is meant to prepare you for the real world, and forcing students to deal with our construction projects for five years builds character

like nothing else ever could.” The press release also included a message from John Doe, dean of the College of Indecision, regarding the project’s goals. “We wanted this building to reflect the character of K-State graduates,” Doe said in the release. “Ultimately, the visionaries behind the project decided a massive transparent structure that sticks out from miles away is the perfect facsimile for our standout graduates.” Concept renderings released today indicate that the Open Option Building will be placed in the middle of the Quad. The building, which the release described as “totally out of place on campus,” is planned to resemble a large glass box from the outside, with a large satellite antenna on top. Plans for funding the project are already underway with two fundraising galas scheduled for fall 2019 and spring 2020. The building’s funding goal is currently set at $7.5 million,

most of which will be spent on the plethora of windows. The building’s eventual namesake will be decided in an unusual way compared to other recent K-State construction projects. “Normally, we try to name buildings after university figures or big fundraising donors,” Doe said over the phone. “For the Open Option Building, we’re trying out a new system where the building will be named after whoever wins the poker tournament at our last fundraising gala.” Doe added that he is already “practicing a mean poker face” in the mirror to increase the chance of naming the building Doe Hall. Doe declined to comment on why the building will be constructed without any limestone, but anonymous sources close to Doe said he has described limestone as “totally lame” in private conversations, and he prefers to call it “lamestone” during meetings.

University of Missouri will merge with K-State just to spite KU PETER LOGANBILL THE COLLEGIAN

Although it was certainly surprising, a large amount of students and faculty members were reported shrugging and nodding with understanding when they heard about the recently announced merger between Kansas State University and the University of Missouri. The reasoning behind the merger seemed to make perfect sense to most K-Staters: both parties involved wanted to spite the University of Kansas. “I laughed when I first heard the idea,” Billy Wildecatt, freshman in open option, said. “I honestly don’t have a problem with it, though. Mizzou always seemed like a great institution to me, and our alliance with them against

Photo illustration by Melanie White | COLLEGIAN MEDIA GROUP

Professional artist’s rendering of the first TUMTSKU versus KU football game. Truman the Tiger (left) and Willie the Wildcat celebrate a blowout victory over KU. KU often goes unspoken, in my opinion.” According to a press release, K-State and Mizzou will no longer be separate institutions. Rather, the two universities will combine to be two parts of a whole:

TUMTSKU, or The University Made To Spite KU.

see page 5, “MERGER”

Photo illustration by Kyle Hampel | COLLEGIAN MEDIA GROUP

Professional artist’s rendering of the proposed Open Option Building in the Quad.

monday, april 1, 2019

MERGER continued from page

Some administrators have raised concerns that TUMTSKU is too explicit, so a joint committee between the formerly separate schools will be formed to create a new name for the university soon. Audrey LaTigre, junior in leadership studies at Mizzou, said she thinks this is a great problem to have. “Coming up with a new name for our joint university is a great first step,” LaTigre said. “I think it will promote unity between the two segments. I always thought there should be more unity between different universities.” The idea for the merger came about after many years of the Wildcats and the Tigers realizing that they didn’t really care if the other men’s basketball team did well in their season, as long as KU lost. Pete Wildecatt, Billy’s father

and a 1982 K-State graduate in horticulture, said he and other alumni are pleased by the merger. “When the Tigers return to the Big 12 [Conference] later this year, I’d really like it if my school beat them,” Pete said. “But you know, as long as KU loses, I’ll be fine. I think the merger is a great idea, and really shows unity between universities and the importance of education in the midwest.” Jay Hawkins, sophomore in political science at KU, said the merger makes sense to him as well. “It’s not like I have friends at either institution,” Hawkins said. “All of my friends went to KU, the right school. The best university. This merger simply shows that they need to band together in order to feel like they’re better than us.” Hawkins ranted for several more minutes about the superiority of his Lawrence-based university before concluding on the importance of unity. “Also, I think it really shows how universities in the midwest

like to work together and help each other, not alienate and separate from their peer institutions,” Hawkins said. Administrators at the new TUMTSKU have announced nothing will change about how either university functions, just the name and logos. They will still have separate sports teams, but these teams will wear the same jerseys. The idea is that fans will be able to have two teams to cheer for and double the chances of beating KU in men’s basketball tournaments. “What a wonderful idea,” said Chad Broker, 1987 K-State graduate in business administration and football studies. “This way I won’t be so disappointed when we lose the first time; we will have more of a chance.” Broker said K-State has played a large role in his life post-graduation, so the merger is good for his ego.

To read more, visit kstatecollegian.com

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NCAA bans KU from playing basketball due to broken streak CODY FRIESEN

THE COLLEGIAN

After a unanimous decision by NCAA officials, the University of Kansas has been banned from playing men’s basketball for the foreseeable future. The ban has already had a disastrous effect on both the Jayhawk basketball team and its fans. The members of the KU basketball team were reportedly shocked when they were told they would have to buy tickets to attend next season’s Big 12 Tournament games in Kansas City, Missouri. Jayhalk fans have submitted numerous complaints to the NCAA on the matter, with the majority indicating that KU’s basketball program needs to continue to prevent

the university from fading into international irrelevancy. According to an NCAA press release on the matter, KU was banned from basketball for failing to win a 15th straight Big 12 Conference title in both regular season and postseason play. The ban came out of frustration from both the NCAA and various marketing companies that had already spent money producing merchandise to celebrate the continuation of KU’s tournament streak. “Despite our repeated requests to ‘get good,’ the Jayhawks have let down all parties involved this season,” the NCAA release reads. “The NCAA believes the KU basketball team should only be allowed to compete if it remains profitable, and this season’s results are indicative of a downward trend. If the team at KU

is able to turn its performance around, the NCAA will gladly lift the ban, but only if the Jayhawks meet our highest expectations.” The announcement of KU’s basketball ban has sparked joy among millions of basketball fans from other schools around the country. Sources have indicated this is because fans of other schools now feel comfortable supporting their university without fear of being lectured about KU’s tournament streak. Jayhawk fans will now have to put all their hopes and dreams into the football season, and analysts are expecting the basketball ban to help raise attendance at KU football games. Reports that the basketball ban was a result of collusion from the football team are unconfirmed Distinguished at this time.

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REVIEW: ‘Fifty Shades of Purple’ will cause any K-State fan’s heart to race MACY DAVIS

THE COLLEGIAN

“Fifty Shades of Purple,” the latest novel from best-selling author Will E. Wildcat, is a knockout for those looking for something more than just gray upon gray. I can already tell that Kansas State fans will be clamoring for a movie adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Purple.” Wildcat takes romance to a new level by exploring a complex relationship between a kindhearted soul in a college mascot costume and the football team’s biggest fan. Navigating campus life, football games and an unnecessary amount of scenes that

DOOMSDAY continued from page

“Budget-wise, we don’t build canceled classes into our curriculums,” Myers said. “A closed campus would create disruptions in the flow, and students have already paid to go to classes a certain number of days in the year. We’re really doing them a favor.” Myers added that he thinks the demonic invasion will only last “a few days” before things go back to normal. In the meantime, he encouraged students to attend their classes. “Students need to think about why they are here,” Myers said. “They are here to get an education and enter the workforce. If they think we should be canceling classes every time a hell portal opens in the sky, what are future employers going to expect of our students?” Joanna Faust, junior in fine arts, said she strongly disagrees with the university’s decision to keep campus open. She has spent several hours today organizing a protest with her friends a safe

take place in the weight room (now we know how mascots get their muscles), “Fifty Shades of Purple” is a nuanced portrayal of life at K-State and it exposes the numerous secret desires of a college mascot. While following the model of E. L. James, author of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” may seem like a trap that Wildcat could fall into, the author expertly avoids stereotypical character tropes by exploring what it means to hide behind a costume — literally, a giant cat costume. This novel is a touching romantic comedy from start to finish, but Wildcat also brings heat to this novel. It gets almost as steamy as Manhattan does in the summer. I don’t want to spoil the

sordid details for would-be readers of this novel, but know that you might want to set yourself up with a cold glass of Call Hall milk if things start to become too much for you. While “Fifty Shades of Purple” is a must-read novel for any true K-State fan, I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss its problems. At times, Wildcat rambles for endless pages about what it’s like for his main character to be a mascot, rather than focusing on the steamy romance blossoming at Bill Snyder Family Stadium.

distance away from the hell portal in the sky. “People are going to get hurt, and the higher-ups should admit that,” Faust said, holding a sign that reads “Demons Have More Rights Than My Uterus.” “If you ask me,” Faust continued, “any professor who’s holding classes today should get dragged into the sky by those things with wings.” Aleister LaVey, professor of biology, is one of many professors holding classes today as normal. A self-proclaimed rationalist, LaVey said his decision was influenced by a perceived lack of evidence from complaining students. “I haven’t been hit by any fireballs today, so I think students are exaggerating,” LaVey said. “This generation is just so lazy, you know? If students really think they’re going to be tortured by demons or something, then they can stay home, and I will adjust their grades accordingly.” It’s not all fun for the demons, though. Chattur’gha Ulyaoth, demonic invader, said he had his wing clipped by a student carrying a con-

cealed handgun on campus. “This really isn’t as easy as we were expecting, but we’re making progress,” Ulyaoth said. “So far we’ve conquered one building and kidnapped 12 people for eternal torture beyond the grave. Not a bad haul to start with.” Ulyaoth said his wing damage is “troubling,” but he is waiting for fellow demonic invader Pazuzu Xel’lotath to come pick him up from Anderson. “We’re thinking of renaming the building to ‘Anderson Hell’ once we’re done here,” Ulyaoth added. Despite the nature of the apocalypse, not every local is cowering in their basement today. Manhattan resident Tony Redgrave told the Collegian he has been stockpiling on firearms and ammunition for the past several years in case of doomsday, and he is more than willing to help any citizens that need him. “I’ve always been kind of a ‘doomsday prepper,’ I guess,” Redgrave said as he sat on his porch with two handguns full of silver bullets. “I just never thought it would come so soon. This is going to be one crazy party.”

see page 7, “REVIEW”

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REVIEW continued from page

Additionally, the mascot costume itself gets in the way of many of the more romantic scenes and is a clunky set piece at times rather than providing a true air of mystery. However, these were just minor distractions for a book that I originally

expected to be as bad as “A Jayhawk in Paris.” If you’re looking for a hot, saucy distraction from the end of the semester or a gift for your family this Easter Sunday, look no further than “Fifty Shades of Purple,” available in the K-State Campus Store or from online retailers.

in English. The views and opinions expressed in this review are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian.

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Macy Davis is the culture editor for the Collegian and a senior

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ENROLL continued from page

Additionally, some teaching staff will now be required to complete one-on-one visits with potential students in their hometowns, depending on said students’ ACT scores. Finally, New Student Services announced that every new student enrolling in K-State will be eligible for a signing day cer-

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APARTMENTS NEAR CAMPUS: One bedroom $450-$590; two bedroom $560-$680; three bedroom $860-$900; four bedroom $1000-$1200. Property locations: 1838 Anderson, 516 N 14th, 519 N Manhattan, 1214 Vattier, 1207 Kearney. Call 785-5391545 or 785-537-1746; Visit us at mhkrentals.com¢˚

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emony. Ceremonies will follow the tradition of student athlete signings and allow K-State to share social media posts covering highly sought-after academic recruits with high GPAs and ACT scores. New Student Services added that these new strategies are “groundbreaking” for academic recruitment and have the potential to revolutionize the academic world with “no chance” for an enrollment scandal of any kind.

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Help Wanted

THE COLLEGIAN cannot verify the financial potential of advertisements in the Employment/ Opportunities classifications. Readers are advised to approach any such business opportunity with reasonable caution. The Collegian urges our readers to contact the Better Business Bureau, 501 SE Jefferson, Topeka, KS 66607-1190. 785-2320454. GREENHOUSE POSITIONS available for seasonal full-time and part-time employment at Horticultural Services, Inc. Above average wages. Apply in person at 11524 Landscape Lane, St. George, KS 66535. (785)494-2418

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Kite’s

Fajita Chimichanga • CoronaRita $3 16 oz Draft Beer Jumbo Gato Sauza Margarita

$6 3pc Chicken strip Basket $4 Premium Whiskey after 10 p.m.

Fuzzy’s $3.19 Cali Heat Tacos(Grilled/Tempura Shrimp) $7 Boulevard Wheat Pitchers $7 Blue Moon Pitchers

Saturday Kite’s After 10 p.m. $4 Premium Vodka Fuzzy’s $9 Fajita Beef Burrito $6 Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

Gordo’s Enchiladas Supremas $6.99 All Jumbo Margaritas Jumbo Gato Sauza Margarita

Sunday Gordo’s Burrito Gordos $6.99 Peach and Watermelon Margs Jumbo Gato Sauza Margarita

Kite’s $6.50 Philly • $2 You Call its Fuzzy’s $5 Breakfast Burritos $7 Man-Mosa Pitchers

Thursday Gordo’s Chile Verde $5 All Jumbo Margaritas

Kite’s 1/2 Price Burgers $1 Wells & $2 Pounders after 10 p.m.

Fuzzy’s $5 Nachos-Pork/Ground Beef/ Chicken/Brisket $2 Calls • $1 Wells

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