VOL. 121, ISSUE 98
K-State resources for those affected by sexual assault
A SERIES ON SEXUAL VIOLENCE Our Collegian writers are dedicating this week to sexual violence awareness. Stay tuned for more on the reality of sexual violence and its ties to college life. #ItHappensHere
Calling it what it is: Rape
compiled by
K-State and the Manhattan community have many resources available to assist those who have experienced sexual violence. These services provide legal, physical and emotional health help for those who wish to use them.
How one student came to grips with her assault.
ERIN POPPE
K-STATE COUNSELING SERVICES
THE COLLEGIAN
Mission statement: "Kansas State University Counseling Services, in support of the overall mission of the University, provides high quality professional services to help all students meet their full potential — personally, academically and socially. Within an accepting, sustaining and compassionate setting, Counseling Services provides a professional resource to attend to the psychological needs, promote the well-being, alleviate concerns, facilitate problem resolution and enhance the success of our students. "We value our multicultural campus community and, thus, provide culturally sensitive and relevant services. While appropriately protecting confidentiality, we work collaboratively with other entities, both on and off campus, to promote a safe and healthy environment. During times when a critical event may occur, we are ready to offer timely response through consultation, debriefing, and follow-up to lessen trauma and promote resolution."
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even years ago this March, I was raped. It was my freshman year. A couple of friends and I were at a party with some upperclassmen at a duplex about two blocks east of campus. The alcohol was flowing for us that night; the women we came with knew the men who were hosting, and they wanted to show us a good time. I don’t remember meeting him, but I knew he was the designated DJ for the night. We were sitting on a couch in the living room, just inches away from the crowd that gathered to dance. I don’t think we talked much; the music was overwhelmingly loud and the flashes of multi-colored lights were disorienting. The room started to spin as I felt my limbs go numb. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open. I tried to stand up, but I was so off-balance that I immediately fell backward into the couch. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms, being carried bridal-style through throngs of partygoers toward a door in the corner. The last thing I remember before my sight faded to black was the feeling of my
232 English-Counseling Services Building 785-532-6927 or counsel@k-state. edu
CENTER FOR ADVOCACY, RESPONSE AND EDUCATION
206 Holton Hall 785-532-6444 or ksucare@ksu.edu
OFFICE OF STUDENT LIFE
Mission statement: "The mission of the Office of Student Life is to enhance the K-State student experience and promote student success in the classroom and in life." 102 Holton Hall 785-532-6432 or stulife@ksu.edu
LAFENE WOMEN'S CLINIC
Mission statement: "The mission of Lafene Health Center is to maintain, for the Kansas State University community, through the utilization of quality resources, a medical facility capable of offering a comprehensive, high quality, easily accessible, affordable outpatient health care service to the student community. In addition to the care of the sick and injured, the Center shall be a resource and an advocate for health education, promotion and wellness. see page
6, “RESOURCES”
© 2016 collegian media group
T U E S D AY, F E B R U A RY 2 3 , 2 0 1 6
THE INDEPENDENT VOICE FOR KANSAS STATE UNIVERSIT Y
KELSEY KENDALL
Mission statement: "The Center for Advocacy, Response and Education (CARE) is a safe space for any member of the K-State community who has been affected by dating, domestic and sexual violence, stalking or harassment to receive confidential services. CARE collaborates across identities and sheds light on the realities of psychological, emotional, financial, physical and sexual forms of violence. CARE challenges the campus community to join us in advocating for positive social change while addressing the influences and social patterns that lead to interpersonal violence and other forms of oppression."
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Emily Starkey | THE COLLEGIAN
Erin Poppe, graduate student in public administration and sexual assault survivor, addresses her rape that occurred seven years ago. back pressing against a bed. Then, all of the sudden, the world came back into focus. I looked around and registered my surroundings. The party noise had dulled, but I could still hear people. I felt cold, realizing my clothes were scattered across the floor. see page
“In the process of minimizing my rape, I minimized my selfworth. I stopped seeing myself as someone worthy of anything more than a drunken hookup.”
6, “RAPE”
Student-made videos to be featured nationally KAITLYN ALANIS the collegian
Five student-made videos communicating the work of National Science Foundation-funded researchers at K-State to the general public will be featured in Science 360 News, a national online e-newsletter. Tom Hallaq, assistant professor in journalism and mass communications, said he required his fall Audio and Video Production class to work on the videos, which focus on K-State research sponsored by the NSF. These videos will be featured in Science 360 News through the weeks of Feb. 19 to March 22. Video topics ranged from Ebola to maize mosaic virus to monitoring sleep, and all were NSF-funded research projects completed at K-State. According to Anthony Williams, senior in physics and mass communications, this was the first class NSF has ever partnered with in the making of these science communication videos. Williams said being part of the pilot program went well and everyone involved is excited to be published, though the program did put pressure on them. “At times it was easy to forget this was a class project,” Williams said. “We were treated like a corporate industry and the scientists were our clients. It made it challenging to create these videos while we ourselves
THIS DAY IN HISTORY On this day in 1954, a group of children from Arsenal Elementary School in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, receive the first injections of the new polio vaccine developed by Dr. Jonas Salk.
Parker Robb | THE COLLEGIAN
Tony Williams, senior in physics and journalism, is emotional Wednesday morning in Dole Hall after receiving word that he won one of the Broadcast Education Association’s national “Best of” awards for his video explaining the maize mosaic virus. were still learning the production elements.” Cameron Kietzman, senior in mass communications, said working on the projects was a very stimulating process. “Filming our clients was new and exciting for both us and the scientists,” Kietzman said. “Most of us had never worked with scientists and most scientists had never been on camera.” Some students involved with the project said that despite the excitement, they also faced some obstacles. “The most challenging aspect for me was the fact that we were only
given a 300-word abstract about the research to get our projects started,” Williams said. “I wanted to challenge myself, so I selected a topic I knew nothing about. I probably only understand 15 of the 300 words in the abstract.” Williams said the difficulties only continued from there. “Once I understood the topic, it was then important to figure out how much of this information should be given out,” Williams said. “You don’t want to be too shallow because then it is pointless, but you don’t want to say too much and lose engagement
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and understanding from the general public.” Tana Akers, senior in mass communications, said it was hard to work with the scientists and to make arrangements for interviews and traveling, but it was also fulfilling for her and her classmates. “It was very difficult visioning the final project and the end result,” Kietzman said. “It was difficult script work, but once we got through the script it was rewarding to see what we were working toward.” Despite the challenges, Williams said this was a rewarding project for him and his class. “This gets our content out nationally rather than our usual K-State community audience,” Williams said. “We will have thousands of scientists viewing our work.” The videos have done more than get the students’ work published for their portfolios, Williams said. “I used this video to get a job offer with BenchFly out of New York and an internship with NSF in Washington D.C.,” Williams said. According to Hallaq, these students were also involved with the projects: Nathan Sage, senior in mass communications; Mark Vaca, senior in mass communications; Amy Pond, 2015 K-State alum; Cody Isern, junior in mass communications; Lindsay Rhoades, 2015 K-State alum; and Safiya Woodward, junior in mass communications.
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tuesday, february 23, 2016 The Collegian welcomes your letters. We reserve the right to edit submitted letters for clarity, accuracy, space and relevance. A letter intended for publication should be no longer than 350 words and must refer to an article that appeared in the Collegian within the last 10 issues. It must include the author’s first and last name, year in school and major. If you are a graduate of K-State, the letter should include your year(s) of graduation and must include the city and state where you live. For a letter to be considered, it must include a phone number where you can be contacted. The number will not be published. Letters can be sent to letters@ kstatecollegian.com Letters may be rejected if they contain abusive content, lack timeliness, contain vulgarity, profanity or falsehood, promote personal and commercial announcements, repeat comments of letters printed in other issues or contain attachments. The Collegian does not publish open letters, third-party letters or letters that have been sent to other publications or people.
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Zits | By Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman
THE BLOTTER ARREST REPORTS FRIDAY, FEB. 19 Jason Lee Westfall, of Dwight, Kansas, was booked for failure to appear. Bond was set at $2,500. Gavonn Roman Fondall, of Junction City, was booked for failure to appear. Bond was set at $3,000. Clinton Michael Thompson, of Topeka, was booked for two counts of theft by deception. Bond was set at $7,000. Julia Anne Kasprick, of the 1900 block of Hunting Avenue, was booked for sale and distribution of hallucinogens or marijuana, and unlawful possession of hallucinogens or marijuana. Bond was set at $7,000. Christopher Allen Rybolt, of Coal City, Indiana, was booked for driving while suspended. Bond was set at $500. Christian Douglas Fischer, of the 1400 block of Anderson Avenue, was booked for interfering with a law enforcement officer and purchase and consumption of liquor by a minor. Bond was set at $750.
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with a law enforcement officer and criminal trespass. Bond was set at $1,500.
Tri Hoang Le, of Garden City, Kansas, was booked for disorderly conduct. Bond was set at $750.
Raymond Luis Colon Cruz, of the 400 block of Walters Drive, was booked for driving under the influence. Bond was set at $750.
Ulises Armendariz Parra, of the 1400 block of Claflin Road, was booked for driving under the influence and aggravated battery. Bond was set at $3,750. Raul Dakota Harwood, of the 1700 block of Kenmar Drive, was booked for driving while suspended and driving while a habitual violator. Bond was set at $2,500. Ashley Kay Slate, of the 2700 block of Allison Avenue, was booked for failure to appear. Bond was set at $1,000. Donnie Marcell Hill, of the 600 block of Yuma Street, was booked for arson and theft of property or services. Bond was set at $5,000. James Wesley Meredith, of Ogden, Kansas, was booked for unlawful possession of hallucinogens or marijuana. Bond was set at $2,500.
SATURDAY, FEB. 20
SUNDAY, FEB. 21
Jared Mark Hamel, of the 2400 block of Purcells Mill, was booked for driv-
Chaz Alan Clough, of Overland Park, Kansas, was booked for interference
Michael Garrett Adams, of Powerline Place, was booked for driving under the influence. Bond was set at $1,500. Danielle Nicole Porter, of the 1200 block of Fremont Street, was booked for driving under the influence. Bond was set at $750. Magee Lynn Gifford, of Goodnow Hall, was booked for driving under the influence. Bond was set at $750. Roschwista Marie Musni Quiroz, of the 1500 block of Oxford Place, was booked for driving under the influence. Bond was set at $750. Whitney Ashton Ahlvers, of the 500 block of North 11th Street, was booked for operating a vehicle without an ignition interlock device. Bond was set at $1,000. Robert Anthony Snider Jr., address unlisted, was booked for two counts of failure to appear and probation violation. Bond was set at $5,000.
By Dave Green
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ing under the influence. Bond was set at $750.
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OPINION tuesday, february 23, 2016
| Sexual assault myths plaguing minds
sible to fight against them, according to the Office of Institutional Equity’s website. “We want victims to know that they are not to blame and the only person who is responsible for sexual assault is the perpetrator, man or female,” Anderson said. According to Travis Gill, director of the Office of Institutional Equity and Title IX coordinator, K-State and the Office of Institutional Equity have worked hard to educate the public on how to respond and how to be an ally to those who have been sexually assaulted. In efforts to end sexual assault, it is critical that we, as a society, remain educated and encourage survivors of sexual assault to reach out for support. If we don’t do this, then the accused assaulters will continue to think they can get away with violating a person.
stand why someone wouldn’t report being a survivor of sexual assault. If you are a man and you report assault, then you are weak. If you are a woman and you report, then you are looking for attention and maybe you shouldn’t have worn such a tight dress. “People listening to these myths, deliberately or not, minimizes the scope of sexual abuse,” Anderson said. “We are seeing an increase in men who are reporting, and more importantly, we are seeing an increase in men who are reporting that are actually being believed.” So long as society believes the myths, and then passes those beliefs on to generations to come, sexual violence will continue to be an issue. Due to society’s refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, men are more likely to “tough it out in silence,” than report when they have been sexually assaulted, according to the MaleSurvivor article. In addition, “Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with an average of 39 percent being reported to the police each year,” according to the Rape Crisis Center article. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? The longer society holds on to the myths surrounding sexual assault, the harder we are making it for survivors to feel comfortable enough to do what those guest speakers at assemblies used to encourage: Ask for help. Sexual violence doesn’t discriminate, sexual violence is not the survivor’s fault and reporting sexual violence helps not only that individual but future victims. Understanding this is the key to stopping sexual assaults. “Every person, I believe, has a basic human right to safety over their own body and their own self,” Anderson said.
MYTH: NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU IF YOU REPORT SEXUAL ASSAULT
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of The Collegian.
KAITLYN COTTON the collegian
Every two minutes someone is sexually assaulted in the U.S., according to the Rape Crisis Center article “Get the facts.” Think about that for a second: Every two minutes a person is forever affected by a situation he or she did not ask for, did not prepare for and did not think would ever happen. In today’s society, lessons are drilled into the blissfully ignorant minds of middle schoolers about healthy relationships, the importance of putting yourself first and asking for help when it is needed. So why, after years of guest speakers preaching this advice, is it more socially acceptable to bury your feelings within the depths of your being rather than actually asking for help?
MYTH: SEXUAL ASSAULT DOESN’T HAPPEN TO MEN
Every year, the U.S. Department of Justice documents more than 13,000 cases of men having been raped, according to the “Title IX and Sexual Misconduct Prevention” page on K-State’s Office of Institutional Equity’s website. Society has created expectations that men should be strong, men should be fit and men should be able to resist any kind of assault, including rape. “This myth, instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the ‘macho image,’ declares that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable,” according to the MaleSurvivor article “Male sexual victimization myths and facts.” With expectations like these, it is amazing to me that any cases of men being sexually assaulted have been reported.
Photo illustration by Emily Starkey “A man, just like a woman, can have his right to his body taken away from him and it happens more often than people might realize,” Christopher Anderson, executive director of MaleSurvivor, said. Nearly 1 in 6 American women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime, compared to the 1 in 33 American men having been the victim of the same acts, according to the Rape Crisis Center article. Although these numbers show a large difference, there are two things that need to be recognized. First, these numbers show that, even though it is a smaller ratio of men who have been raped, men are survivors of sexual assault. Two, these numbers do not reflect the male sexual assault cases that have gone unreported. “Men don’t talk about (the assault) for longer periods of time, however, we are starting to see this number come down,” Anderson said, later crediting better education for both children and law enforcement for this decrease. “Men can be sexually assaulted no matter their race, class, age, religion, sexual orientation, appearance or strength,” according to
the Office of Institutional Equity’s website, and it is time society starts recognizing that.
MYTH: SEXUAL ASSAULT IS THE VICTIM’S FAULT
People who have experienced sexual assault were not selected by their appearance; rather the accused assaulter looks for vulnerability and accessibility, according to the “Sexual Assault-Myths and Facts” page on Roger Williams University’s Health and Counseling website. Vulnerability and accessibility, two words that used to have very little meaning to me, now hold much more weight than before. “It is common for both men and women to freeze during a sexual assault, and in some cases drugs, alcohol or the presence of a weapon or the threat of other force or injury can prevent someone from fighting their assailant,” according to the Office of Institutional Equity’s website. Vulnerability and accessibility are two states of being forced upon someone during a sexual assault. Sexual assault is about exerting power and control over someone else, and once the accused assaulter is in that mindset, it is nearly impos-
“Ten to 15 years ago, people wouldn’t come report their assault because they wouldn’t be believed,” Gill said. In modern society, I can under-
Kaitlyn Cotton is a sophomore in mass communications. Please send comments to opinion@kstatecollegian.com.
K-State ashamed: A recent history of the failed quest for sportsmanship
TIMOTHY EVERSON the collegian
The Collegian poster, adorned with a purple hue of space surrounding the Starship Enterprise, was held by fans who arrived early enough to receive one. That poster stood as a symbol, a single cry of laughter that was seemingly just the beginning of what has become a laughingstock of overreach and overcorrection. A K-State student and his friends got in line nearly four hours before tipoff of the Manhattan half of the Sunflower Showdown. They waited patiently and took their seats in the front row right next to the band, their reward for hours of
waiting. The graduate student, who will remain nameless as he is a university employee, carried a sign in tow. A simple sign. A Jayhawk next to the Starship Enterprise that was shooting at the mascot of his school's hated rival. Pretty tame, as signs go. The game went on. Big 12 referees did Big 12 referee things. The student found himself upset, so he booed. It was not a capital crime. I'd say you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who has never booed at a sporting event. He shouted out to the refs, "What the heck are you watching?" Bramlage Coliseum event staff, stilted in their yellow jackets, leered over at the student and asked him to be quieter. To be clear, staff on K-State payroll went out of their way to quiet a K-State student during a game versus rival Kansas, arguably the biggest game of the season, not only in the scope but also in the hearts of many people who hang their K-State diplomas
on their wall as proudly as they wear their purple on game day. He did not say anything obscene and he was not overly disruptive. He was being a fan, the same as any other fan who attributed to the excellent atmosphere Saturday in Bramlage. Later in the game, he displayed his sign proudly. Now there was a real problem. K-State event staff laid it on the line very clearly: Either dump the sign or get out. The student left with six minutes to play in the game. Another fan shut down by the folks from Anderson Hall. It's a scary pattern that is starting to come about. It started with last year's court storming and the controversy regarding the administration's failure to properly protect the visiting team from stormers overshadowed by a manhunt for one student who was unable to control himself from "aggressively bumping" KU forward Jamari Traylor. Nathan Power was the scapegoat they needed.
Street Talk compiled by Miranda Snyder
JON CORMIER
He was forced to publicly apologize and even today, it's the chicken wing, as it's lovingly referred to, that people remember. Due to this incident, K-State students had to sign a "Sportmanship Pledge," which was done in the name of transparency. The pledge was the first of its kind in the Big 12. President Kirk Schulz and athletic director John Currie had started to get their point across. They would fix the problem known as the petulant children of their student population at K-State, hat in hand and with enough apologies to fill a gorge. Later that fall, the K-State marching band was opening up their Sudler season, a celebration of being named the best band in the country. Their halftime show was to feature the music of Star Wars and Star Trek, culminating in a formation featuring the Star Trek Enterprise battling a strange alien life form resembling a Jayhawk.
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The formation was unfortunately botched slightly and looked to people with a slightly perverted mind (so nearly everyone) like the Jayhawk was being violated — for lack of a better term — by the spaceship instead of attacked. The Internet, as it so often does, blew a gasket. The self-flagellation began in tremendous fashion as the administration, led by Schulz, instantly flipped the conversation from a messed-up formation, which was the actual issue, to an entirely unrelated issue of the band displaying another team's mascot and the apparent "rules" against that. In my opinion, an unnecessary apology was issued to Kansas fans, validating the fact that the band had done something purposefully wrong. Then, a self-imposed fine was paid in order to fight off the Big 12 compliance hoard that was never on the doorstep of Bill Snyder Family Stadium. It would only be just after the new year when K-State hosted and beat No. 1 Okla-
homa. Court storming had been banned by the university but not the Big 12, as multiple Big 12 teams have stormed the court this season. Heavy handed threats of prosecution of trespassing taken to the fullest extent were levied toward a student body over the speakers roughly three minutes before the Wildcats had completed the upset. The students took those threats as gospel, even though they shouldn't have, as the green-shirted "brute squad" would have been swallowed up by a full court storming and would have stayed in their seats. Meanwhile, the players and coaches, unaware of any such threats, went so far as to prepare for a possible court storm during practice.
To read more, visit www. kstatecollegian. com.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MYTHS YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND WHERE DID YOU HEAR THEM FROM?
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junior,
graduate masters student, modern languages
ISAAC FISHER
EMILY NOTTINGHAM
KAYLA PRESSWOOD
BAILEY REYNOLDS
“If a girl is wearing less clothing, she is asking for it. I hear it all the time in different media formats.”
“It only happens to women, and I’ve heard it from friends and other people.”
“Everyone says, ‘Don’t go to the frats unless you want to get raped.’”
“My mom told me not to wear short shorts on campus because she thinks I would basically get raped.”
“Only men can rape. I heard that from multiple sources, including the project that K-State did for sexual assault prevention.”
computer science
freshman, biological systems engineering
junior, interior design
junior, business management
tuesday, february 23, 2016
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Men’s basketball falls in final seconds to Longhorns TIMOTHY EVERSON the collegian
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Wildcat lead against No. 25 Texas was as close as a bucket not once but three times down the final five-minute stretch of the game. That final basket would not be found, however, as the WIldcats dropped their home matchup 70-71 to the Longhorns, who are 18-10 and 9-6 in the Big 12. It is the 10th game of the season that the Wildcats have lost by 10 or less and the fourth game they have lost by five or less. The Wildcats are now 15-13 overall and 4-11 in Big 12 play, and they are 1-11 in games versus ranked teams this season. Senior guard Justin Edwards led all players with a career-high 20 points while junior forward D.J. Johnson and junior forward Wesley Iwundu also put up double digits with 16 and 12 points, respectively. “My last college games are coming up,” Edwards said. “So I am just trying to leave it all out there.” The Wildcats trailed by as much as seven in the first half, with Texas shooting for a fairly high percentage early. For the first 13 minutes of the first half, Edwards and Johnson were K-State’s only scorers until two free throws by Iwundu cut Texas’ lead to two with 6:33 minutes to
Parker Robb | THE COLLEGIAN
Senior forward Justin Edwards knocks a shot out of the hands of Texas guard Javan Felix in the first half of the Wildcats’ 70-71 loss to the No. 25 Longhorns on Monday, inside Bramlage Coliseum. Edwards led the Cats with 20 points, eight rebounds, five assists and two blocks. The Wildcats barely came up short to another top-25 team and lost their fourth consecutive game to the Longhorns — the longest losing streak in the series’ history. play in the half. After several Longhorn shooting slumps, K-State battled its way back with 3:49 minutes left in the first half. After getting up by three, two straight Texas buckets put the Longhorns back in front by two be-
fore a layup by junior guard Carlbe Ervin II tied it back up with nine seconds to play. Texas had the last word of the half, though, as Longhorn Kendal Yancy hit a 3-pointer to end the half and give his team the lead.
After the Longhorns grabbed their largest lead of the game with eight at the midway point of the second half, K-State found some offensive consistency. The Wildcats got it within four points twice, but the Longhorns responded each time from behind the arc to keep their lead. Texas went 5-12 in the second half from 3-point range, a stat that would haunt K-State all the way to the end of the game. The Wildcats cut the lead to two and had Iwundu at the line with a chance to tie it. Iwundu went one for two, leaving the Texas lead at one. Two straight shots for the Longhorns extended their lead to five. Edwards responded with a bucket and two free throws to get the lead back down to one. Junior Isaiah Taylor, who led the Longhorns in scoring with 19, nailed a 3-pointer with 43 seconds to play, giving Texas a two-possession lead once again. “I know that when I have a oneon-one opportunity, a lot of teams load to the ball,” Taylor said. “So I just rose up and fortunately, it went in.” K-State wasted no time to score again as Iwundu laid in a quick layup, only wasting seven seconds off the clock. The Wildcats fouled Taylor on the ensuing possession and he hit
both of his free throws. Freshman guard Barry Brown hit his only 3-pointer of the night and only the third 3 for any Wildcat in the game to once again cut the lead to one. Taylor was brought to the line one last time, but he missed the first of his one-and-one opportunity as K-State dribbled down the court with 20 seconds to retake the lead and most likely the game. A well-contested 3-pointer from freshman forward Dean Wade fell short, as did the Wildcats as the clocked ticked to zero. “It was a great shot,” Weber said. “I mean, what do you say? No timeouts, (Brown) made a great pass. (Wade) is open, you have got them in a scramble. We had called a high ball screen and read it. Next time, (Wade) will make that shot and he will make a bunch of them before his career is over.” The loss was the Wildcats’ third straight at home. They have the week to rest up before heading to Ames, Iowa, to play No. 17 Iowa State on Saturday. “If anything we get a couple days off here,” Weber said. “They can get some mental therapy. They can get some physical therapy. They can get away from us and hopefully we can find a way to go to Iowa State. We’ve got three left ... maybe one of these times something will go our way and we’ll find a way to win.”
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tuesday, february 23,2016
RAPE | Student processes her sexual assault, its effects continued from page
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“Do you want to hang out?” he asked. “No,” I replied, jumping up and throwing on my clothes. “I need to find my sisters.” With that, I left the bedroom and ran right into a cop that was busting the party. I found my friends, and we quickly grabbed our belongings before fleeing out the front door. I woke up the next morning in my residence hall bed feeling confused and sick. I stared up at the ceiling, piecing together last night’s events. Panic started to set in. Was what happened last night sex? Or was it … Before I could finish the thought, my shrill ringtone pierced the heavy silence. My friends were calling to ask about my hangover and “hookup.” A hookup. Yes, I thought, that’s what it must have been. It was a drunk hookup that meant nothing. I threw out some details to make it seem like I hadn’t blacked out, that I hadn’t lost control, that I hadn’t been raped. My friends offered to find out more about the guy, but I assured them I didn’t need to know anything about him. All I wanted to do was forget that night ever happened and move on.
SHARING MY SECRET
I managed to detach from my rape for a while by clinging to that “hookup” mindset. Hookups fade about as quickly as they happen, and for a while I made sure that’s all I engaged with. Anything more would require intimacy,
I felt nauseated. My friend, noticing my paling face, asked if I was OK. I apologized, explaining that something had happened in that bedroom that I wasn’t ready to deal with yet. She nodded in understanding and didn’t mention it again. I’ll always be grateful for that first interaction. My friend had provided me with the support and space I needed to process in my own way. It took me three years to share my secret again, but unfortunately it was not as well-received. It was my senior year, and I was in a relationship with someone I saw a future with. We had been dating for about a year when I decided to tell him about that night. At this point, I was still holding on to the term “hookup” fairly tightly. I walked him through the chain of events from start to finish, feeling somewhat relieved by the end of it. That relief quickly dissipated, however, when he started pushing back. “Why didn’t you go to the police?” he asked. “Why didn’t you file charges?” I tried to explain that was never what I wanted; that night was nothing more than two drunk college students hooking up. The guy probably didn’t know what he did was wrong. It was my fault I blacked out. He pressed on, asking if that’s what I really thought happened that night. I started to cry, not ready for the imminent reality check. He said I needed to call it rape, that I needed to call it what it was. I submitted and mumbled
“Our society allows for so much by way of downplaying sexual assault. We’re allowed to be ignorant, to victim blame, to be bystanders, to attack without judgment.” and with intimacy would come honesty, both to my partner and to myself. So I lived in deliberate denial of my rape for about a year. Only rarely did unanswered questions creep into my mind, challenging the narrative I told myself and others. I slowly started to cut myself off from the small amount of people who knew the truth; without intending to, they had become reminders of that night for me. I couldn’t ignore reality for long, however, when I found myself back in that duplex one sunny afternoon my sophomore year. I was tagging along with some new friends as they ran errands, and one needed to swing by her place. When we pulled up to the front of her home, I paused. Something felt familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Once we got inside, I froze. The memories started flowing back, paralyzing me as I realized I was once again standing in the same living room I had been carried through to that same door in the corner.
that I was raped, feeling an overwhelming mixture of exhaustion and panic that stayed with me for years.
PROCESSING MY RAPE
At first, calling my rape a hookup was a relief. Doing so minimized this traumatic event into one that was normal, that wasn’t a big deal. And if it wasn’t a big deal, I didn’t have to think about it. But in the process of minimizing my rape, I minimized my self-worth. I stopped seeing myself as someone worthy of anything more than a drunken hookup. I shied away from anyone who appeared to care, instead flocking toward those who wouldn’t give a damn if I just got up and left one day. Because if anyone found out I was raped, that’s what I wanted to do: run away to a place where no one knew. Where I could start over. When I realized that I couldn’t run away from my rape, I tried to take responsibility for it. For years I was convinced that I had set myself up for
failure by getting drunk at that party. I told myself I was to blame because how could I fault that fellow student when he probably didn’t know I was incapable of giving consent? In retrospect, him needing to carry my debilitated body through the party was a pretty clear sign. When I took responsibility for my rape, I took on the guilt too. This guilt that I had let my loved ones down, that I had become a statistic, pulled me into a deep depression. There were days and weeks I couldn’t get out of bed; I only had enough energy to stare at the wall, wishing I could change the past. Then one day I started telling myself that “at least it wasn’t violent.” This silver-linings mantra led me to start rationalizing my rape and repudiating my reaction. I was being dramatic. Yes I was raped, but far worse has and will happen in this world — so I had no reason to wallow in self-pity. This mindset did me no good, though. It simply continued the pattern of ignoring the impact my rape was having on my well-being. Once I started to think about my future, I realized I didn’t want to stay chained down by my past. I didn’t want to stay trapped with this secret forever. So I decided to get help. I went to K-State Counseling Services and signed up for the four free sessions they offer. I began sharing my experience with those close to me, even working up the courage to tell my parents last winter break. For the first time in a long time, I’ve started to feel free. It can be difficult to recognize when someone is struggling with the aftermath of sexual assault. You can’t feel their loss of self, their guilt, their desolation. You can’t take away their pain either. No matter how much you try, you can’t change the fact that it happened. I’ve been processing my rape for about seven years now, and I’m not naive enough to think that writing this article will be the end of it. But for me, it’s another step forward that can hopefully help in someone else’s processing. Because whether you’re the survivor or not, coming to terms with sexual assault is never easy, especially when we live in a society that continues to mystify it.
IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS
What stupefied me for so long was that someone at the party saw what was going on, yet nothing clicked in their mind to say, “This isn’t right.” Why didn’t they intervene? What does that say about us as a community? As a society? Think about it: If your friend was trying to drive drunk, you would stop them, right? We all know that driving drunk is not only illegal, but it is also morally wrong. Some of us were taught how to handle this situation as early as middle school: You take their keys, you get them some food and you prep the couch for them to sleep on. From then on, you can rest easy knowing you saved not only your friend’s life, but the lives of countless others who would have
been affected by that terrible decision. Now change the scenario: Instead of trying to drive drunk, your friend was trying to have sex with someone who obviously couldn’t give consent (be it because of age, alcohol, drugs or anything else that could impair logical decision making). We all know that rape is not only illegal, but it is also morally wrong. But how do you stop your friend from making this terrible choice? Society has taught us how to stop our friends from driving drunk. What’s been neglected, however, is how to stop our friends from sexually assaulting someone when we have the chance. Those partygoers could have stopped that man from raping me, just like they could have stopped him from drunken driving. But maybe our culture didn’t prepare them to know that what they saw wasn’t OK, that they could have done something. What’s more, many people probably still don’t know what both nonviolent rape and true consent looks like. True, proactively talking about the forms of rape and consent is necessary if we want to better our understanding. Yet how can we if these topics are so often typecast in mainstream media as violent and obvious? In his November 2015 Verge article “On Jessica Jones, rape doesn’t need to be seen to be devastating,” Kwame Opam praises the Netflix series “Jessica Jones” for giving an honest depiction of how people cope with the trauma of rape. He goes a step further in his review, however, by calling out society’s collective ignorance on the subject. “It’s easy to identify the monstrous, predatory rapists, and to depict them on TV,” Opam said. “But when schools are creating consent classes because the topic is so poorly understood, the problem becomes all the more horrifying, not in spite of but because of its mundanity. Men needn’t be evil or superhuman in order to use their power to take advantage of women. They just have to live in a society that allows for it.” As it stands now, our society allows for so much by way of downplaying sexual assault. We’re allowed to be ignorant, to victim blame, to be bystanders, to attack without judgment. We’re allowed to shame those who speak out about their assault, to reject them as if their experience was an anomaly. I decided to share my story with you, however, because what happened to me is not uncommon. No, I didn’t get attacked on the way to my car at night and no, I wasn’t walking down a dark alley alone. But just because my rape doesn’t fit the mainstream idea of sexual assault doesn’t make it any less real. And just because talking about sexual assault can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. In fact, that’s all the more reason we should. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you are not alone. The SafeZone program can get you connected to the resources you need. Contact 785-532-6444 or safezone@k-state.edu.
RESOURCES | Local help is available continued from page
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"The Center shall, at all times and to the best of its ability, be responsive to the needs and concerns of the student body and general community of Kansas State University." 1105 Sunset Ave. 785-532-6544 or lafene@ksu. edu
THE CRISIS CENTER
Mission statement: "Serving victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault in Clay, Geary, Marshall, Pottawatomie and Riley Counties since 1979." 785-539-2785 (Manhattan) or 785-772-8835 (Junction City)
PAWNEE MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES
Mission statement: "The mission of Pawnee Mental Health Services is to provide comprehensive quality mental health and substance use treatment and recovery services to strengthen the wellness of our communities." 1558 Hayes Dr. 1-800-609-2002 (Emergencies) or 785-587-4315
KANSAS COALITION AGAINST SEXUAL AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Mission statement: "The purpose of the Coalition is the prevention and elimination of sexual and domestic violence through a statewide network of programs providing support and safety for all victims of sexual and domestic violence and stalking, with primary focus on women and their children; direct services; public awareness and education; advocacy for victims; comprehensive prevention; and, social change efforts." 634 SW Harrison, Topeka, Kansas 785-232-9784 or 1-800-799SAFE (Hotline)
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