EDUCATOR'S COLUMN

how do YOUR CHILDren grow? Ms. Alka Deshpande a professional in the field of Early Childhood Education shares her views on parenting.

One muggy afternoon when, by all reasonable logic, we should have been dozing through our lecture, Bob, our facilitator, came up with this quote: “We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” As he proceeded to explain this perplexing statement, I was experiencing what can only be described as a ‘eureka’ moment. That is it…clarity! So simple and yet so profound. As a parent and an educator, it felt like a whole barrowful of TETRIS bricks had suddenly fallen perfectly in place, in the smoothest possible way. If one were to carefully consider the above quote and ruminate over it, one would see that it makes complete sense. And why, while being the same, we are also different. All humans are a product of unique and individual influences, be it parenting, education, geographical locations, ethnicity, or a whole busload of other exposures, they have experienced all through their lives. Whether children are born and raised in the same family, even twins, we find each individual grows up with his or her own distinct personality, thought process and ideology. Of course, there may be some common influences of society or community, but what makes us all unique is the way in which each of us has processed and internalized our experiences. For example: when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, it was not uncommon for children to get a good ‘pasting’ from their parents, from time to time, as a part of the disciplining routine. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’. While spanking did manage to cower most children into submission, it also had a counter effect - sparking defiance. Fifty years later, we now have enough research and evidence to know that spanking, as a disciplining technique, is a definite no-no, and parents and teachers can be called to book for subjecting their wards to it. One of the strongest and most positive influences in my growing years was my Father. He was a person of quiet strength, like river water flowing over pebbles. He mentored us in his calm, gentle manner, introducing us to the wonder of myriad experiences and explorations, while making it seem perfectly routine and matter of fact. The enormity of what he had managed began to dawn on us (my sister and I) much later in life. When I had children, I watched and imbibed from him once again, the art of engaging children and allowing their innocent dreams and imaginations to take wing and soar unfettered in the sky. From him, I learnt that one of the best things we can do for our children is to accept them as individuals. They may be our cuddly, squishy, huggable little bundles of joy to begin with, but, trust me; they are going to grow out of that pretty soon. They come with their own future, destiny and path they have to walk. It’s up to us to accept this and help and assist them to equip themselves to walk that path. Khalil Gibran has conveyed this essence of parenting most eloquently in his poem ‘On Children’ from the collection 'The Prophet'

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you they belong not to you.” To nurture the young we need to have infinite patience and understanding: To not be judgmental, but be open, to listen, to humour and partake of childhood dreams, to understand the baffling and make sense of their wonderful nonsense…or not. Nonsense and absurdity can be truly refreshing. To empathize with their unschooled emotions that are mercurial and intense at the same time. To tell the same silly story a zillion times with equal enthusiasm and gusto. Look around you in wonder - there are a million things happening around us each day. Take time to be a quiet observer of the world humming around us. Engage in creative activities… and this does not necessarily mean ‘art and craft’ projects. Find something to create using your imagination, skills and available resources. Be sure to create, not instruct…gaffes or boo-boos are instrumental to creative thinking. It could be something as simple as making a jam sandwich, to learning the right way to tuck in a bed sheet, potting a plant, washing a vehicle, making a house of cards. The possibilities are endless, the process gives unlimited scope for planning, scrapping, remaking and, of course, jugaad!! My absolute favourite, though, I have to confess is what I call ‘nothing time’. Growing up in the pre-screen (no TV, tablets, cell phones, computers) we had a LOT of this, particularly in the long months of summer vacations. Boredom and having nothing to do, I find, is the greatest motivator for creative thinking. There are no rules, no compulsions, no goals and no end result to be achieved. Look back and reflect on all the innovative games, outrageous faradiddles, messy/ disastrous kitchen adventures and fun stuff that came out of the idle mind and devil’s workshop! We live in a world where we are encouraged to believe that Value education, personality development, ethical instruction and environmental consciousness- are attributes that can be imparted through instruction like classical dance or music. Nothing could be further from the truth. Developing respect, empathy, kindness, fairness, tolerance, loyalty, perseverance, determination, a sense of right and wrong and also grey areas between the two, a sense of fun and humour; happens as we live our lives with conviction and consciousness, day in and day out. W. Chan Kim, speaking of leadership skills in the parable of the fire and the water says “It is not fire, but water that envelopes all and is the well of life, so it is not the mighty and authoritative ruler, but rulers with humbleness and deep reaching inner strength who capture people’s hearts and are springs of prosperity to their states.” The same could well be said of raising a good human being.

'You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, So He loves also the bow that is stable.' -Khalil Gibran