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Some churches have expectations for music ministry spouses that are similar to the responsibilities of the paid spouse; however, these expectations are rarely communicated initially. Just as we learn spousal expectations from our families of origin, churches usually develop expectations for their staff spouses from previous ministers and their families. While no church has the right to place expectations on the minister's spouse, realistically most churches do. Failure to acknowledge these expectations shows either a high level of naiveté or an intentional unwillingness to deal with this reality.

What could be deemed reasonable when considering spousal expectations? This answer is directly related to the congregation and their view of the minister and his/her family. As a rule, the minister's spouse might be expected to be involved according to the church's unwritten definition of a "good church member." This definition will vary widely from church to church. This doesn't mean that the minister's spouse should be involved in everything. A minister's spouse should choose to serve where he/she is personally fulfilled and challenged.

Another common issue affecting the minister's spouse is the tendency of some church members to tell the spouse what they actually want the minister to know. My wife has learned to tactfully remind church members that I will be happy to talk with them about the issue and that talking with her does not mean she'll tell me.

Closely related to this issue is the making of commitments for our spouse. Through experience, my wife and I have chosen not to speak for each other. For example, in staff meeting, when my wife is mentioned as a possible leader for a ministry, I do not volunteer her nor do I agree to contact her. I simply say, "You'll have to talk with Brenda about that; I can't speak for her." Similarly, when I'm mentioned as a good person to coordinate music for a ministry in which she is involved, she doesn't make a commitment for me. When either of us is invited to participate in activities that involve the other (or our family), we do not make a commitment without consulting each other. We always say, "We'll have to talk about that and get back with you." This allows us time to talk in private and to consider the larger picture of our involvement individually, as a couple, and as a family. Through this policy, we're better able to balance the demands on our lives.

Issues Involving Children

Inevitably, the children of the minister will be highly visible and will be carefully observed; however, the same is true for other professionals whose work is public (politicians, entertainers, and public servants). Because they are visible, expectations for minister's children are sometimes excessive. Added to this dilemma is the fact that often only one parent is available to care for the children at church since the other parent may be "on the job." Frequently, how you and your spouse deal with the discipline and deportment of your children will be public. This reality is undeniable! Accept it, and commit to give your best energies to being an effective parent and to raising respectable children. At times, all parents feel inadequate. This is not exclusive to ministers and their spouses.

Children of ministers are usually expected to be involved in church. Most ministers establish non-negotiable church activities in which they expect their children to be involved. These may include Sunday school, worship, choir, or some other activity. Once these expectations are met, additional involvement is a choice. Actually, these expectations are no different than non-ministry parents might have for their children. Sometimes parents who are involved in ministry are so afraid that their children will grow up disliking the church that they fail to have appropriate expectations for their children's involvement.

It is critical for parents to recognize the impact that their attitudes have on their children. Parents should help their children to develop healthy attitudes about God and the church by avoiding negative talk about the church and church members. In fact, people they are discussing negatively may be the "heroes of the faith" for their children. Because of parental attitudes, sometimes children of ministers grow up cynical about the church. Parents must intentionally share the joy of ministry with their children and avoid overstating the negative.

When Family Problems Arise

When problems arise in the minister's home, these issues are often complicated because of the minister's community status. When marital problems occur, ministry families are sometimes afraid to seek help from local counselors because of fear of a breech of confidentiality. While these fears can be realistic, the more important concern is the potential for a failed marriage. Most denominational offices offer support for the minister. If the minister does not pursue help from the denomination, then he/she must get help from someone that he/she trusts! However, discretion must be used in telling others within the congregation or community.

Similarly, when problems arise with children, the child's needs are always more important than the perceived need for the minister to protect his/her reputation. Many ministers fail to realize the forgiving nature of most people. Ministers' children are not immune to the problems that others face. Many congregations are more understanding and grace-giving than we think. Ministers must learn to trust their faith communities in times of crisis.