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A single minister should not be expected to work more hours, or work hours at inconvenient times, to accommodate married ministers. While all ministers should cooperate in trading off inconvenient responsibilities, this should be a choice, not an expectation.

Lack of Respect for Age and Experience

Sometimes single people are viewed as younger and less experienced. Marital status should have no bearing on assessment of ministry experience and wisdom.

Failure to Accept Single Status

Single adults should not be seen as incomplete people. They are complete units within themselves. Assumptions that all single people desire to be married are incorrect.

Managing Relationships

The life of the minister of music is an intricate web of work relationships and personal relationships over time. Family concerns have been addressed in the previous section, and Chapter 4: "Working with Church Staff" will include a discussion of relationships with the pastor and staff; however, many other relationships form a part of this network. Music ministers must invest time in maintaining relationships with music ministry colleagues, close friends, and mentors.

Relationship to God

The minister's relationship to God is the relationship from which all other relationships proceed. When this relationship is not nurtured, other relationships will be less effective. What determines a good relationship with God? Good communication, healthy worship, and a strong dependence are vital. In order for this relationship to be maintained, you must spend time with God, pray regularly, and develop other spiritual disciplines.

Relationship to Self

Without a healthy relationship with yourself, other relationships will nearly always suffer. This relationship involves self-respect, and self-respect is gained by bringing actions in line with expectations and values. When our actions are not congruent with our beliefs, we do not feel good about ourselves, and we have difficulty maintaining our self-respect. Maintaining respect for self is a process that requires continued evaluation, careful analysis, and honesty. Also important is good self-knowledge. Who are you and what are your skills, abilities, and gifts? Are you honest about those? Are you confident without appearing conceited? Have you cultivated the ability to work among your peers with a quiet confidence? A quiet confidence implies that you don't put yourself down or consider yourself of little value; neither do you mask your insecurities by being boastful and haughty.

Musicians often have difficulty developing a healthy view of self. As musical children we are encouraged to be perfectionists, and we soon realize that our performances will never measure up; however, our pursuit of perfection continues. Since much in music is competitive (guild, all-state, and scholarships), this pattern continues throughout childhood and adolescence. When we matriculate for college, we enter another competitive world; but the stakes are higher as we prepare to become a professional musician. Additionally, often we're the best in our high school or hometown only to discover in college that there are many people more talented than we. In any music school, students can readily size up each other according to "best singer," "best pianist," or best in other ways. Eventually, this process can deplete the self-esteem of musicians. In most other disciplines grades are confidential; however, since musicians constantly perform in public, skills are easily assessed and judged.

As we leave the ranks of college, this process can continue into the church, for we often invest our energy in having the best choir, best salary, best facilities, and strongest numerical growth. In order for us to be effective, we must reconcile the issues described above. We must learn to separate musical skill from self worth through God!

Also related to a healthy self-understanding is the ability to recognize our motives. Often we spend our time analyzing our actions when we should evaluate our motives. This process requires honesty; however, such evaluation is ultimately worthwhile.

The issues described above are closely related to our integrity and ethics. Integrity can be defined as the quality or state of being of sound moral principle, uprightness, honesty, and sincerity. Integrity is sometimes described as what we do when no one is watching and we assume no one will ever know. It is also a deep sense of rightness that drives our motives and actions and the peace of knowing we've done our best in decision making. It is personal and central to our core beliefs. Our integrity must be protected and nurtured.