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Personality Clash – A personality clash occurs when two people approach their work and ministry in such opposite ways that they invariably collide. For example, a thoughtful, reflective person will have difficulty working with an outspoken and domineering person. Although sometimes real, many excuses for not getting along with another person are too quickly blamed on personality clashes when other conflicts are often the cause.

Unjust Treatment – One feels that he/she has been treated unjustly when he/she perceives the needs of others are met adequately but his/hers are not. This may occur when one person receives a new computer and another does not or when one is passed up for a raise or promotion. One ministry area may get an increased budget while another ministry area gets no increase. A colleague may be given time off to attend a conference while another's request is denied. Situations such as these always cause conflict.

Competition – Competition results when two people seek a goal that cannot be shared. For example, the pastor resigns and a colleague is named as the administrator. Many situations allow only one person to "win." These situations are cause for conflict.

Resolving Conflict

Conflict must be resolved. Although many of us would prefer to ignore it, we must seek to resolve conflict if we are to move forward in a productive manner. We often postpone dealing with conflict to avoid approaching the situation in a spirit of anger; however, we frequently find that the anger resurfaces. Conflict is best handled within a reasonable amount of time. When we fail to deal with conflict in a timely manner, it often builds up and causes us to respond inappropriately at a later time. Unresolved conflict can be like having a splinter in your foot. If the splinter is not removed, the injury may heal on the surface but may cause more serious problems later on. Kilinski and Wottord offer the following approaches to resolving conflict:5

Ignoring – Ignoring a conflict and pretending that it doesn't exist is the easiest way to deal with conflict in the short run. However, by ignoring conflict, we may harbor resentment rather than dealing appropriately with the situation. Often we don't want to appear petty, so we choose to ignore the conflict. After considering the situation for several days, if we are still nursing resentment, then we are better off dealing with the conflict.

Telling a Third Party – Telling someone else is a typical reaction to conflict; however, rarely does our telling end with the first person. Telling a trusted person can be positive if it is for the purpose of seeking guidance and clarity. I often share conflict situations with a trusted mentor to see if I'm overreacting and if my actions and plan of action are appropriate. Beyond this step, you should not tell others about conflicts with other ministers, church members, or anyone else.

Confrontation – Confrontation is usually the best alternative. Confrontation is healthy for you and is biblical, but you must confront in appropriate ways. Confrontation should involve mutual respect. Confrontation may be individual or may involve a third party. In most cases, confrontation should be individual. A third party should be used only when individual confrontation is not successful, you are afraid of the reaction of the other person and feel that you must have a witness to authenticate your actions, or you have confronted the other person unsuccessfully in the past and there is a lack of mutual respect.

Effective listening is essential to confrontation, for first you must allow the other person to express himself/herself before you speak. When listening, seek to hear everything the other person is saying. Ask leading questions to keep him/her talking, and stop from time to time to summarize so that you are sure that you understand the message that is being communicated. When the other person has finished telling his/her side of the story, ask, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" It is fully appropriate to ask this question more than once to be sure that the other person has completed his/her side of the issue. During the conversation, attempt not only to hear but also to understand. Statements such as "I understand how you could feel that way" can go a long way toward establishing understanding. Seek to build trust throughout the conversation.

After you have heard the other person's side, you must express your views in non-accusing language. You must be honest in letting the other person know why you considered this situation worthy of confrontation. Statements such as, "I feel betrayed when . . . ," or "I feel misunderstood when . . ." are preferable to statements that are accusatory and cause the other person to become defensive.

Barriers to Effective Communication

Kilinski and Wottord offer the following list of barriers to communication:6

Tendency to Evaluate – When listening to others we are often tempted to evaluate their comments by judging their motives, stereotyping them in various ways, and making judgmental statements. Our efforts at conflict resolution will only be effective if we can resist the temptation to evaluate and, instead, truly listen.

Interpersonal Hostility – Often when we feel attacked, and someone shows hostility toward us, we react with hostility toward him/her. As hostility grows, the messages become less coherent and the situation may disintegrate further. As a result, little pertinent information is actually communicated.

Defensiveness – When we perceive that we are being attacked, most of us respond with defensive comments; thus the situation often worsens, and we may lose our position. When we are defensive, we show that we're not hearing the other person's view of the situation, and communication breaks down further. We often become defensive when we feel that we're about to lose face. We must avoid the tendency to always explain our viewpoint. Sometimes we simply must allow others to tell their stories.

Fear – We are often afraid of what the other person can do to us when we expose our vulnerabilities. Fear can come in many forms. A minister can be afraid of the pastor because he/she feels that the pastor can have him/her fired. A church member can fear a minister because of the super-human position that he/she assumes the minister holds. We can fear what the other person will say about us after the confrontation, and we can fear for our physical safety. All these situations are barriers to effective communication.

Approaches to Dealing with Conflict

Different sources offer various ways to deal with conflict. The following lists several of the most common:

Controlling – The controlling person has all the answers. He/she is here to announce the solution, not to go through a process. A person of this type may attempt to listen at first, but it is soon evident that he/she has already made up his/her mind.

Relinquishing/Accommodating – This person tends to give in and agrees to accept your ideas. He makes such statements as, "I'll try to do what you say," or "I'll go along with you on this one."

Withdrawal/Avoidance – This person will simply withdraw from the conversation and refuse to participate. He/she may make such statements as "I think we're wasting our time here."

Win/Lose – This person views every conflict as a contest. It is either win or lose, and there's no room for other alternatives.

Win a Few/Lose a Few – This person is willing to win, is also willing to lose, and is open to compromise. He/she is willing to give up some of his/her goals to achieve others. A person of this type usually values other relationships enough not to want to do anything to risk losing them. This person approaches conflict as a way to gain deeper understanding and solutions to problems. He/she assumes that mutually agreeable alternatives are yet to be discovered.

Win/Win – This is the best alternative. A person with a win/win attitude is determined to discover ways that each person can win. Win/win is different from compromise because each person is able to feel good about the result. Compromises are often viewed as watered-down solutions with which no one feels good. In contrast, a win/win situation allows all parties to be victorious. Being a win/win person requires great amounts of creativity and the ability to think in new ways.

Principles of Conflict Management

In his book Meeting the Moment, G. Douglas Lewis offers the following principles of conflict management.7

1) People manage conflicts better when they feel good about themselves. They are less defensive, able to see the perspective of the other person, and are less likely to see confrontation as a personal attack.

2) Effective communication is essential to conflict management. Good listening is at the heart of effective communication. It involves being able to express your views as your own perceptions and reflecting to the other person what you hear him/her saying. Reflective listening also assures the other person that you are engaging with him/her. Furthermore, you must communicate that your thoughts are simply perceptions and not absolute truths.

3) Conflict management involves examining assumptions. Often our assumptions do not reflect reality. In any conflict situation, everyone enters with assumptions, and some people will continue to believe that their ideas are all true. Unexamined assumptions are often a key factor in the failure to resolve conflict effectively. Assumptions can be made regarding a person's motivation of action, time frame, and other factors. When we hear another person's story, we should evaluate and adjust our assumptions and replace them with truth.

4) Ask yourself, "What am I trying to accomplish, and what is the other person trying to accomplish? What do we each want that has led to this conflict?" We must continually examine our motives and desired outcomes. Also, trying to understand what the other person values is critical to finding resolution. We sometimes discover that we actually don't desire the same outcomes and that win/win is easier than we thought. When probing for answers to these questions, avoid asking "why" questions. "Why" questions always put people on the defensive where as "what" questions give information.

5) Identify the central issue and pursue it. While this seems simple and logical, often in our rush to solve a problem, we don't discover the central issue. Many conflicts resurface because the core issue is left unresolved while peripheral issues receive attention.

6) Search for win/win solutions. Alternatives that allow everyone to achieve his/her goals are desired. When we approach a conflict with a win/win attitude, we are much more likely to achieve such a solution!

Conclusion

Dealing appropriately with conflict is a life-long pursuit. We should seek to learn all that we can about working with and understanding others. We should attempt to become secure people who are willing to work for win/win solutions. We should develop good listening skills that allow us to be effective communicators. We should also develop an approach to life that allows us to enter into conflict solutions with the understanding that conflict is a normal and potentially creative part of life. Ultimately, fulfillment in life is not in avoiding conflict and other stressful situations but in learning to deal with them in creative and affirming ways.

eveloping As a Ministry Team

Learning to work together as a team is the most important step in being an effective ministering unit within the local church. Many groups of ministers are comprised of several leaders who never unite to form a team. Sometimes the pastor does not provide effective leadership to guide team building, and other times one or more of the ministers refuse to work with the others.

Why is teamwork desirable? To use an athletic analogy, there can be no victory without concentrated teamwork. In other words, without teamwork we cannot expect to win. What is it that we want to win as a group of ministers? Victory for us will be in serving the ministries of our congregation effectively, empowering them for greater service in our world, and helping them grow as Christ's disciples. This is a daunting task and will require our best efforts.

What makes a group a team? In order for a group to become a team, there must be a reliance on each other, an interdependence, and an ability to work together for the common good. On a team, we all win or we all lose. If we're the third base player on a baseball team and the team loses a game, we don't declare ourselves a winner because we got everyone out on third base! Team members all subscribe to a mutual goal, and all positions must be covered to ensure success. We can't all be front liners or all be supportive players. In a game, someone has to make the points and others have to see that the infrastructure is in place for the points to be made! This requires cooperation.

We desire diversity in a team because we realize that we cannot do it all. We realize our finiteness and our need for others who can make up for our deficiencies. One of the greatest mistakes churches make is to choose a group of ministers that have too many similarities; therefore, they are less able to explore new ideas and have a broad perspective. Sometimes, when a team is too homogenous, it reflects a group of insecure people who are not willing to risk diversity. However, boundaries can limit the amount of diversity that can be tolerated. Usually, the problem doesn't lie in the amount of diversity that can be tolerated but in the differences in goals of the individuals.

The leader of such a team must be a person who can understand and appreciate the contributions of each team member. The job of the leader is to clear the obstacles in order for each team member to do his/her part. Furthermore, he/she must define goals and provide ongoing focus!

Short Term Teams – Some teams within the church ministerial staff are short-term groups or committees, i.e., a group to research a new idea or a team to plan and execute the church's 100th anniversary. These groups meet for a shorter period of time and plan for a relatively shorter-term project.

Long Term Teams – These groups include the regular staff-meeting group, ministry team, and other ongoing groups.