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Never interrupt. Always listen to the very end. If you listen until the person has completed his/her story, then you will have shown respect and the person will probably immediately soften his/her position slightly. Often your first response might be one of clarity such as "What I'm hearing you say is that you think I'm unfair and don't care about the youth of our church." Attempt to quote him/her exactly. Often this approach will help him/her to see how hard his/her words have sounded, and he/she will begin to back away from his/her original position.

Don't attempt to reason with an irrational person. This will likely not work for they may only become more frustrated and angry. At this time, they do not want to hear logical arguments. You may simply ask questions of clarity or thank them for their input and ask them to leave. You can follow up with them at a later time.

Be gracious. Even though you may be trembling with anger, you must be gracious; otherwise, you'll regret your response, and that could be damaging for your ministry. Picture yourself as a person with incredible power to control the situation. Controlling the situation usually means controlling yourself.

Attempt to love difficult people. Loving them will not be easy now or in the future. It will require loving them through God's power. If possible, state your love for them.

Eventually, work at forgiveness. At the time, forgiveness may be too much to expect of yourself; however, this will be your ultimate goal.

Don't accept every criticism or be immune to it. Sometimes it is best to simply say, "I don't agree with your assessment of the situation, and I'll be happy to discuss it with you at a later time." Stick with your decision not to discuss it at this time. The angry person wants you to become angry in order to justify his/her anger. You must not allow this to happen.

Refuse to take everything personally. A person speaking out of anger is probably only telling a portion of the truth, if any. The person may be using you to express his/her frustrations in other areas of life. Realistically, you may have very little if anything to do with the current situation.

Choose battles carefully. It is easy to get pulled into a battle that you never bargained for. Be careful that you don't get sucked into something from which you can't easily escape.

After the confrontation has ended and a reasonable time has passed, begin to unravel the situation and seek to understand what has happened.

Seek to Understand

What is he/she facing personally? What else is going on in the person's life that might cause him/her to respond in this way? When people feel out of control in one area of their lives, they sometimes seek to gain control in some other area. Often they express their anger in inappropriate ways to inappropriate people.

Do you make them feel insecure? In most of the major confrontations I've had in my ministry and work, I've been perceived as threatening and have added to the person's insecurity. When I've looked carefully at the situation, I've realized that there were probably ways that I could have gone to greater lengths to assure the person that I was not a threat to what was important to them.

Are they jealous? Often conflicts can arise over jealousies. Sometimes jealousies relate directly to the person involved and sometimes they involve a person that is close to the attacker, such as a child, spouse, relative, or close friend.

Is the person a perfectionist? Extreme perfectionists are never pleased and will always be critical of others. In reality, they are taking out on you their displeasure with their own flaws. By exposing your flaws, they have temporarily justified their own flaws. True perfectionists see their own flaws as intolerable, and they may do anything to keep their flaws from being exposed.

Does the person have a rebellious spirit? Some people deal with unresolved rebellion resulting from situations in their past. They are inclined to take out their rebellion either on you or on some other authority figure.

What is his/her power structure? What is important for this person? How does he/she perceive power? Does this person have power in his/her home or work? Is church the one place where he/she feels that he/she can exercise power?

What is your power structure? Are you playing power games that cause others to resist? Have you pitted yourself against another person?

Picking up the Pieces

Eventually, we have to pick up the pieces and move on. When a major confrontation occurs, it can take us several days/weeks/ months/years to recover fully. However, you must recognize that all leaders face similar situations. Once you've been through several major confrontations, it is important to remember that your reactions are similar each time you face a similar situation.

You are discouraged. Often we are so discouraged that we want to abandon ministry altogether. Deep feelings of temporary depression and inability to sleep are normal feelings. Never make an important decision in a time such as this. During these times, you may feel as if life will never be better; but experience shows that circumstances will improve. I have tried to remember, "Never reverse a decision in the dark of night that you made in the light of day," i.e., do not reverse a well-informed, carefully considered decision during times of difficulty and discouragement. Daylight will always come and deeper insight and wiser perspectives will return.

You are distracted. During these times you are distracted from your ministry, family, and leisure. Nothing seems to bring you pleasure or escape. Again, these feelings are normal.

You can identify with others in crisis. Difficult situations in ministry help us to identify more closely with others who face rejection and disappointment. Ultimately, we become more caring people and are better ministers when we walk appropriately through dark times.

Return to your calling. When dark times of conflict arise, always return to your calling. Why did you become a minister? To whom were you called?

Pray through your anger. Even when angry, you can be honest with God. God will understand your anger even when it is directed at a person or situation.

Is there a deeper message here? Large and numerous, conflicts may be a sign for you to consider moving on. However, if this is a pattern for your ministry, you must get help before recreating the situation in a different setting.

Share your thoughts with someone you trust. In all major conflict situations, you should share your story with someone wise and receive his/her input. Often someone else can point out issues that you cannot see. In addition, you will be wise to journal during this time in order to analyze your ways of dealing with conflict. We can learn much about ourselves when we analyze how we deal with conflict.

Keep notes or notify someone. If the situation could be threatening to you personally or to your family, document the situation carefully and contact someone for help. This is particularly important in a situation where you may be accused of something that could damage your future ministry.

Be gracious. In all situations, attempt to be gracious. All people ultimately need grace. Offer grace; for we will all be on the receiving end at another time in our lives.

orking with Committees

Meetings are what committees are all about, and everyone knows that no one likes to go to a meeting! Why is it that people so dislike meetings? Perhaps people dislike meetings because they are often controlled by agendas that make no significant contribution to life and ministry. In reality, meetings are critical to the life of an organization because meetings provide the opportunity for vital face-to-face communication. Written and oral communication are excellent for passing along information; however, a face to face meeting allows a healthy interchange of ideas and the opportunity to observe voice inflection and body language. Sometimes meetings at church (even though they are filled with smart, articulate people) are less productive than meetings in work places. This may be because, in other settings, people meet with colleagues with whom they communicate on a regular basis. At a church meeting, the lines of communication, acceptance of styles of communication, and focus of ideas have to be established before the meeting can truly be productive. All of this takes time. Sometimes before a church committee begins to function well, it is restructured and the communication styles have to be relearned.

Kinds of Meetings

Meetings may be formal or informal, they may be planned ahead of time, or they may be impromptu. Furthermore, they may be particular or ongoing. A special meeting is called for a special purpose such as making a decision or handling a specific problem. An ongoing meeting is one that is scheduled on a regular basis where the agenda follows a routine format or continues from the previous meeting.