Volume 10 | Issue 2

BALL BEARINGS MAGAZINE

TYING THE KNOT

BEFORE

2O page 18

MARKETING THE MAKER page 24

THE DAY SHE STOPPED LISTENING page 28

WHAT’S NEWS

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CONTENTS 04

16

TRENDING TOPICS

When it comes to love and faith, what matters most is different for everyone.

09

WHAT IS LOVE?

12

LOVE & SUBSCRIBE

Members of the Ball State community share what love means to them.

More than half of Americans believe in soulmates. For Kaci and Ryan, they believe they’re each other’s “one.”

After a divorce, a Ball State professor decided to travel by herself for a year, seeking peace through meditation and self-care.

38

ROMANCE ON SCREEN

28

THE DAY SHE STOPPED LISTENING

40

THE EVOLVING ROMANTIC

20

When Cole and Peyton Spivey began dating in high school, they didn’t think the relationship would last. For a while, it didn’t. But then they started over with a bond based on faith and got married at 19 years old.

wedding dress courtesy of the vintage shoppe thrift & gift cover photo: stephanie amador and shannon mccloskey

An interfaith relationship isn’t for everyone, but some couples use their differences as a way to grow.

24

As young people stray away from organized churches, college religious groups look for new strategies to promote their services.

Like half of all Americans, WaTasha Barnes Griffin survived an abusive relationship. Now, she uses that experience to help others escape crisis.

PAGE 18

34

SAME VALUES, DIFFERENT GODS

MARKETING THE MAKER

TYING THE KNOT

BEFORE

SOLO JOURNEY

Ogunde Tremayne had trouble accepting himself and his sexuality. But then he found RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Romance and tradition go way back in a relationship all their own. But as technology and gender norms shift, even some of the strongest standards are gearing up for change.

LET T ER FROM THE

EDITOR

W

hen I was 4 years old, I met the boy I thought I was going to marry.

His name was Elijah. He was a teammate on my T-ball team. And honestly, that’s about all I remember. His family moved to Tennessee at the end of the summer, and I thought my heart was broken.

Then came my first boyfriend, at 13 years old. I had my first kiss with him under our school’s bleachers during a Friday night football game—something we had planned out a week in advance over late-night text messages. It lasted a whole two seconds, and our friends watched us, laughing and hollering.

Then at 16 years old came the person I first loved. For almost four years, I thought he was the one. He made me laugh harder than anyone else could. He taught me to let go, and he brought me out of my shell. But everyone makes mistakes, and he did something that made me never able to trust him again during my freshman year of college. I eventually broke up with him because I knew it wouldn’t last.

It’s been almost two years now. While I’ve been out on some dates since then, I vowed to myself when I ended that relationship that I was going to focus on me. I wanted to concentrate on school and prepare for my career. I wanted to spend time with my friends. I wanted to spend time with my family. And I wanted to have the independence of moving wherever I want after I graduate.

More and more people like me are putting their own wants and needs first, before even considering marriage.

EMILY SABENS Editor-in-Chief ecsabens@bsu.edu Twitter: @emilysabens Some, though, still choose to marry young—which is the focus for this semester’s cover story.

Our writers have looked at a lot of sides to love and faith. We learned what love means to individuals across a variety of religious backgrounds. We learned how media representations of love can affect us. We learned how someone can take their love for their church and spread it to others. We even learned whether there is such thing as a soulmate. And we learned what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, and why it can be so hard to leave.

I want to get married one day. I want to have my own family. But that day is not today, nor will it probably be anytime soon. And I’m happy with that. Until then, I’ll keep faith that the person I’m meant to love will enter my life when he’s meant to.

Ball Bearings | Ball State University | Muncie, Indiana | Spring 2019 Issue: April 18 | ballbearingsmag14@gmail.com

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EXECUTIVE

Editor-in-Chief Emily Sabens Executive Editor Katie Grieze Managing Editor Emily Cox Art Director Annelise Hanshaw Digital Design Director Hannah Patton

EDITORIAL

Senior Editors Riley Eubanks Taylor Hohn Samantha Kupiainen Taylor Meyers Samantha Nower Griffin Sciarra Staff Writers Morgan Gonsoski Robbie Moscato-Goodpaster Andrew Harp Kayla Jackson Rohith Rao Kamryn Tomlinson

PHOTO

Photo Editor Stephanie Amador Photographers Grace Hollars Shannon McCloskey Austin White

DESIGN

Designers Brandi Geister Alima Iscandari Tt Shinkan Emily Wright

ADVISER

Lisa Renze-Rhodes

artmartmuncie.com 409 N. Martin Ste. 2

//NEWS

TRENDING

TOPICS INFORMAL FAITH

While a Pew survey shows fewer people are going to traditional religious services, many find other ways to be spiritual.

F

story: andrew harp

or Tika Harlan, a junior general studies major, finding her spirituality was not a simple process.

The Christian church she attended while growing up in Mishawaka, Indiana, influenced her and provided a sense of community. But after the church switched pastors to someone who talked about beliefs Tika didn’t agree with, she realized the church might not be for her.

According to a 2014 survey by Pew Research Center, 36 percent of Americans said they attend religious services at least once a week or more.

Another Pew Research survey from 2017 found 37 percent of U.S. adults who attend religious services only a few times or less each year say they practice their faiths in other ways, which is the most common answer for not attending services. Those who rarely or never attend religious services also tend to be younger than those who do attend.

Elizabeth Agnew, an associate professor of religious studies at Ball State University, says a variety of factors have led to changes in religious

04 | ballbearingsmag.com

service attendance. For example, the internet has created virtual communities of people all around the world, so people can often find the support they would have looked for at church through virtual settings.

Younger generations are also moving away from institutional affiliations and traditional places of worship.

Agnew says stances on issues such as sexuality have caused some in younger generations to move away from white Christian doctrines into other religions that might better align with their views.

“I think people, through the diversity within our culture—and much more recently the internet— have become much more readily exposed to other religious traditions,” Agnew says.

Tika is now the secretary of the Society of Earth-Based Religions (SER), a non-practicing discussion group at Ball State that covers a variety of topics affecting spirituality.

Through the organization, Tika has met others who share similar experiences with organized religion.

Becca Christopher, SER treasurer

ANOTHER PEW RESEARCH SURVEY FROM 2017 FOUND

37%

ACCORDING TO A 2014 SURVEY

BY PEW RESEARCH CENTER,

OF U.S. ADULTS WHO ATTEND RELIGIOUS SERVICES ONLY A FEW TIMES OR LESS EACH YEAR SAY THEY PRACTICE THEIR FAITHS IN OTHER WAYS, WHICH IS THE MOST COMMON ANSWER FOR NOT ATTENDING SERVICES.

OF AMERICANS SAID THEY ATTEND RELIGIOUS SERVICES AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK OR MORE.

THOSE WHO RARELY OR NEVER ATTEND RELIGIOUS SERVICES ALSO TEND TO BE YOUNGER THAN THOSE WHO DO ATTEND.

36%

and sophomore animation major, grew up in Remington, Indiana. Becca had always wanted to have some kind of religious aspect in their life but felt their Christian upbringing in a small town didn’t reflect their own morality. Becca now practices paganism and considers themselves a spiritual person. While they believe some of the stereotypes against Christianity are unfair, they didn’t want to be associated with the religion. They also feel that “very organized religion” is cookie-cutter.

Becca says discovering SER made them realize the variety of options for religious practices, and they appreciate the spiritual community they’ve found.

“Maybe they don’t have the exact same view as you, but they’re going to be more tolerant than people you’ve had experience with in the past,” Becca says.

Tika and Becca both believe people who don’t attend religious services might want to connect with God on a more personal level, experiencing faith in their own ways.

“Religion and spirituality is a very personal thing,” Becca says. “It’s nice to share it with other people, but it’s also nice to have that personal connection to it.”

James Ramsey, SER members advocate and sophomore history and Japanese major, says

he feels the decline in attendance at religious services could result from branching out and learning about different religions.

“I think it’s just natural for people to want to find people like them, especially with something so deep and personal as your spirituality,” James says.

Among organizations that still align with traditional Christianity, some are trying out ways to appeal more to the community aspect individuals are often looking for.

Neil Kring is one of the pastors of The Revolution, a campus-focused community church in Muncie that holds Sunday morning services on Ball State’s campus.

Kring says The Revolution has also organized house churches throughout the week, where around 20 to 30 people gather for a casual service in someone’s home.

“The house churches serve a purpose of more focused, intimate connection,” Kring says. “It’s really hard to get to know 250 people. It’s a little bit easier to get to know 30 people.”

House churches are an example of finding meaning in a way that is driven more by individuals and communities, rather than by institutions, Agnew says.

“We all have needs for meaning,” she says.

“We all have needs for community.”

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//NEWS

WHAT MATTERS MOST

While a majority of Americans find the most meaning in life through family, other values can be influenced by political leaning.

A

story: kayla jackson

2017 report from Pew Research Center identified the top places where Americans find meaning in their lives.

At the top of the list was family, with 69 percent of Americans saying it was the most important.

Though religion was lower on the list, Pew Research found the people who did find meaning in religion said it was the single most important thing in their lives.

This belief is also correlated with political leanings, according to the study.

Conservative respondents

were twice as likely as liberal respondents to identify religion as meaningful, with 41 percent saying it was the most important source of meaning. Liberal respondents, on the other hand, were more likely to find meaning in things like social causes and creative activities.

Adam Bowen, an assistant teaching professor of philosophy at Ball State University, says religious people see that God has a will, and they can find fulfillment in that. They believe God has a plan for them.

Others find meaning by doing activities and service based on their faith, or engaging with people in the church.

Brian Steensland, a professor of sociology at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, says conservative Americans are typically more religious, in general showing higher levels of church attendance.

They also place more value on the role of religion in public life.

While some liberals are religious, they are more likely to find meaning in the arts and philosophy.

CONSERVATIVE RESPONDENTS WERE TWICE AS LIKELY AS LIBERAL RESPONDENTS TO IDENTIFY RELIGION AS MEANINGFUL,

41% SAYING IT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT SOURCE OF MEANING. 06 | ballbearingsmag.com

MEN AND #METOO

In the movement to raise awareness about harassment against women, many men have seen how they can play a part in preventing sexual violence. story: robbie moscato-goodpaster

J

D Arland says it didn’t take the #MeToo movement for him to start treating his romantic interests with respect. Now a sophomore at Purdue University, he was raised in a house where he learned feminist values early on through his mother’s stories about the oppressions she faced. Still, he can see how the movement has changed the ways some men interact with women.

Although the campaign picked up viral momentum on social media in 2017, the #MeToo movement was first founded in 2006 to help survivors of sexual violence—and particularly to help young women of color find ways to heal.

According to an October 2017 poll

by NBC News and The Wall Street Journal, 49 percent of men claimed that women’s stories had caused them to rethink their behavior around women. In addition, 77 percent of men said they are now more likely to speak out if they see a woman being treated poorly.

JD believes #MeToo has increased awareness of the daily struggles women face because of their gender.

Now, he is even more careful to respect the women around him, not only through his actions but also in his language, avoiding sexist jokes or remarks.

JD has also seen the #MeToo movement influence Greek life on his campus, noticing changes in the

behavior of his friends and Delta Upsilon fraternity brothers. His fraternity has hosted seminars on treating women with respect. He’s seen a rise in bystander intervention, which means the men from his chapter have been more likely to say something or try to help when they see potentially dangerous situations.

Cheri Ellefson, an assistant lecturer of women’s and gender studies at Ball State University, believes men should participate in the conversation about sexual violence instead of letting those issues go ignored. They should explicitly condemn sexual violence and harassment, not letting perpetrators off the hook.

Looking beyond individual behavior, Ellefson says the next step for society is to examine the social roles and expectations put on men and young boys from parents and teachers. For example, boys might grow up being told they aren’t supposed to show emotion, or that they need to be tough.

JD believes both women and men should be feminists. He says men need to hold other men accountable, using their privilege to spread the message of the #MeToo movement.

“It’s not a one-sided battle,” he says. “Both parties are responsible for making change happen, and I think that I’ve definitely observed guys encouraging other guys to act in a respectful way.”

ACCORDING TO AN OCTOBER 2017 POLL BY NBC NEWS AND THE WALL STREET JOURNAL,

49% OF MEN CLAIMED THAT WOMEN’S STORIES HAD CAUSED THEM TO RETHINK THEIR BEHAVIOR AROUND WOMEN. IN ADDITION,

77% OF MEN SAID THEY ARE NOW MORE LIKELY TO SPEAK OUT IF THEY SEE A WOMAN BEING TREATED POORLY.

07

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Q&A//

WHAT IS

LOVE?

Members of the Ball State community share what love means to them. story: rohith rao | photos: shannon mccloskey

The dichotomy of love—how it makes and breaks relationships, brings peace and occasionally causes war, feels amazing, yet hurts so much, gives meaning to so many, yet is inherently meaningless—is what makes it absurd. Asking people to try and define love fails to reach one universally agreed on definition.

But rather than seeking an objective definition of love, we’ve asked others what the word means to them, trying to find similarities in their answers.

With or without religious faith, people associate the word with deep sentiments. There is no one answer to the question of what love is, but Ball Bearings sat down with four individuals from diverse backgrounds to find out what it means to them.

Ball Bearings has edited statements for clarity.

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//Q&A

I

Robert Phillips is an assistant professor of anthropology at Ball State University. He also serves as director of religious life at Temple Beth El in Muncie.

think love is just the idea of caring deeply about somebody else. Not just about individuals, but about creation as a whole. It’s a deep caring.

For me, the definition of love comes from the Book of Leviticus. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” As a religious Jew, but also just as a Jewish person, I think that is the key to love in Judaism.

One of the big commandments within Judaism is this idea of elevating other people. Elevating them not only in terms of the mundane world, but also elevating our fellows spiritually. I think there’s a lot of love involved in that kind of process, in that idea of loving people regardless of whether you agree with them.

I know that in every religious tradition, there’s a lot of debate, and it’s not always cordial. People are very invested in their faith.

And so, I think part of that idea of love is to try to love your neighbor as yourself,

D

Liz Terlep is a senior public relations and economics major at Ball State, where they are also a member of the Society for Earth-Based Religions.

10 | ballbearingsmag.com

efining polytheism, according to Liz: “I’m polytheistic, but I follow something called the gem theory, which means I believe that the power at work in the universe—God, if you want to call it that—is so complex and massive, so multifaceted, that all religions from the world basically saw a part of that God. That was their interpretation of it, but they didn’t get the whole scope of it. So, I think all religions are basically correct unless one of their principles is that theirs is the only religion you can follow.”

I think there’s a certain amount of love that is chemical and somewhat involuntary.

But the largest and most meaningful part of it is that choice you make to stick with someone. I think you can take that choice back. You can find that it’s not a good fit.

But successful love doesn’t mean animal attraction so much as it means dedication and trying to make something work.

Because humans don’t perfectly mesh together. We just don’t. We are complex individuals, and love isn’t

and to put yourself in that other person’s position. I think the first time I ever really felt love—religious love—was at a pilgrimage site in India I used to go to often when I was younger. It’s one of those really profound places where you wait in line for 12 or 15 hours to get darshan, a prayer with offerings, of the icon of Balaji. And it’s incredible.

It’s hard to even put into words that kind of experience. I’m not a Hindu, but it’s that idea of being in front of the image of God, which is what Balaji is. For me, it was a very profound religious experience, even though it’s not my tradition.

Caring deeply about people doesn’t necessarily involve love. You can care deeply about the immigrant families at the border, but that doesn’t mean you love them. You can care a lot about something. Is love something you are willing to sacrifice for?

Are you willing to put your life on the line for somebody else? Is that love? Choosing the other above yourself ? supposed to be completely easy.

I have a lot of Gods and Goddesses that I follow who aren’t so strict with the idea of love in the way American culture is, where you can have your one true love. You get married, pop out babies, and not get divorced—otherwise, the love was never real.

I don’t believe you should hold on to someone for as long as possible until you’re both miserable and hate each other. A lot of that comes from my practice in seeing all these miserable characters in myths who just wanted something so badly, they couldn’t see when it was no longer good for them. I tend to let love come and go as it pleases. If it’s forced, then it’s not real.

When it comes to friends and family, I don’t think love is something that should be there just because that’s what’s expected, but because it feels right to both of you or you’re willing to work for it.

I would define love in a single phrase as perfect trust and connection that isn’t threatened by insecurity and deceit.

B

Taylor Penley is a senior communication studies major at Ball State who follows Christianity.

ecause my faith is central to my life, love to me is what God deemed it to be. God is love. He is kind and sacrificial. He pours out everything for us.

In loving others, I try to reflect the way God loves me.

Jesus gave His life for me, sacrificing Himself for others, being kind, and being a listener. I would also say love is a choice: Jesus chose to love us, and it’s not just a feeling. It’s a choice to love other people.

I believe God created us, and He created me. I chose to run from Him, like we all do, but He didn’t want me to stay separated from Him. My definition of love comes from the fact that God sent Jesus, His only son, to die on the cross so that I could have a relationship with Him. While I was still far from Him, He came and died for me, which is the greatest act of love.

I think even in human terms—if you love your friend so much that you would die for them—that’s a great extent. But I could

L

Anas Almassrahy is a Ball State graduate student studying urban and regional planning. He is also a member of the Muslim Student Association.

ove means a lot of things. It’s a big concept. One thing that comes to mind is responsibility, even though most people probably wouldn’t think of that right away.

Love also means mercy. It could mean family, for some. Love means connection, relationships, and commitment. To me, love also means peace.

Within Islam, the main thing love means to me is mercy. When I say “the Almighty,” I think of someone who’s loving. And when I see my own relationship with my mom, I’d say she loves me, has mercy on me, and is caring.

Coming from a big family and being one of seven siblings, love means establishing a

never live up to that because the love of Jesus is so perfect.

In middle school, I wasn’t treated very well by my friends, so I was taught to treat others poorly. For a really long time, I was not a very kind person, and I still struggle. That resulted in a lot of brokenness and darkness in my life. One day I looked in the mirror and was like, This is not who I am. This is not who God created me to be. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. But later, I realized Jesus was sitting right next to me through all of it, which was really sweet. At a certain point, I realized there was nothing I could do to make myself get enough love.

The affirmation of others was never enough.

That’s when I really decided to turn to the Lord, and that’s when my definition of love really started to form. I realized how He had seen me in my brokenness and called me out of it.

God is love. That is as simple but also as deep as it can get.

relationship with my siblings and parents.

I care about them. They care about me.

I grew up in Mecca, Saudi Arabia, and I saw people making their pilgrimages from thousands of miles away. When I was young, I would think, Why would people do this? I think of it as people trying to fulfill their religious duties. I see they are trying to seek mercy. The Almighty is merciful and loving. However, I see it from a point of view that people have got to work for it.

I see people coming from all destinations, and they’re all loving together by doing the same thing. This is how love was established in my mind.

Mercy and caring—that’s what love means to me.

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//COLUMN

&

LOVE SUBSCRIBE More than half of Americans believe in soulmates. For Kaci and Ryan, they believe they’re each other’s “one.” story: samantha kupiainen | photos: stephanie amador

he first time Ryan Klepacs saw his girlfriend, Initially, Ryan tried to keep their conversations Kaci Alvarez, he just stopped and admired the professional yet friendly, even as they sent messages warmth she radiated, with her thick-rimmed back and forth nearly every hour of every day glasses and her bold, red bangs. beginning that late December morning. Ryan Whoa… usually prefers keeping a more “flawless” image She’d sent him a Snapchat for the first time—a on his channel, worrying that if he lets people get simple selfie, on Dec. 29, 2017. Neither one quite too close, the luster of “Double” will diminish. But remembers what exact words were exchanged. They just Ryan quickly realized he was messaging Kaci far remember the way the other made them feel, and Ryan more than anyone else and talking about everything recalls the endearing dimples with her.

Kaci had from smiling so big Their relationship moved fast. in the selfie she’d sent over the

By Jan. 8, 2018, just 10 days messaging app. after the first Snapchat was Ryan, a YouTuber based in sent, the two would be officially Canada, was used to getting dating. Developing a relationship Snapchat messages from fans felt natural, and it didn’t take IT DIDN’T TAKE of his channel, where he goes long for the couple to believe LONG FOR THE by the name “Double.” His they’re soulmates.

COUPLE TO channel has more than 684,000 For Kaci, a sophomore subscribers and has almost 155 photojournalism major at Ball BELIEVE THEY’RE million channel views. Most of State University, she’d been SOULMATES. his videos are of him playing watching Ryan’s YouTube video games. channel for about four years He enjoys talking to his before reaching out to him. She fans and does it often. Over says she is “big into YouTubers” time, he’s learned to separate the public with and grew up watching channels such as PewDiePie, his personal life, mainly keeping conversations AmazingPhil, and Markiplier. In her eyes, Ryan with fans light and brief. There isn’t enough time was somewhat of a celebrity. Kaci liked his content for him to have in-depth conversations with all because it cheered her up when she was feeling of them. down, and she would watch the videos over and Then Kaci came along. over again.

13

Ryan Klepacs and Kaci Alvarez smile together in Ball State’s Art and Journalism Building Feb. 28 after being reunited over spring break. Kaci was a big fan of Ryan’s YouTube channel before the two started dating.

Kaci remembers being infatuated with Ryan’s soft and sweet smile and the way his brown-hazel eyes crinkle when he smiles, which now happens often when he’s around her. She liked how his hair stood up straight naturally, which she says suits him really well.

Most of all, she liked his personality—his sense of humor, and how much his videos made her laugh.

Over time, she knew Ryan was someone she wanted to talk to, maybe even get to know better. So she first messaged him that December day while he was streaming live on Twitch, asking if he wanted to start a Snapchat streak. When he replied, she felt giddy.

As she got to know him more through texting and Skype calls, she was attracted to his genuine personality.

For instance, at the start of the semester last spring, Kaci was in a tough class that was starting to stress her out. It had only been a week or so since she first messaged Ryan, but he called her and gave her a pep talk to calm her down from the breakdown that was about to happen.

The couple wouldn’t meet each other in person until Feb. 16, when Ryan drove down from Canada so the two could celebrate Valentine’s Day. They met up at Shafer Tower on Ball State’s campus. Kaci brought a friend with her, just in case. They rented a hotel room in downtown Muncie and watched High School Musical.

Friends of the couple feel the day they first met is when they officially started dating. For Ryan and Kaci, it’s the early January day when Ryan blurted out while on a Skype audio call, sounding surprised he’d even said it, Kaci…will you be my girlfriend?

Now, the two have been dating for a little over a year. Ryan tries to make the nearly seven-hour drive from Canada to Muncie for their anniversary on the 8th of each month.

It’s worth it for him to see his other half, his soulmate.

Kaci and Ryan believe they are soulmates because of how mature their relationship was from the start. Their conversations were realistic, and they thought it was uncanny

14 | ballbearingsmag.com

how much they had in common. They sacrifice so much for the other, mainly in the form of time.

Because of the long-distance relationship, they have to be more mature in planning their time together and communicating efficiently while apart.

Both had dated previously, but this time they had an indescribable feeling that this relationship was different: permanent.

The idea of soulmates originates in Plato’s Symposium, where the Greek philosopher discusses love. The myth goes that humans were originally beings with four legs, four arms, two heads, and two sets of genitalia—one male and one female.

Plato says the Greek god, Zeus, cut these so-called humans in half because of their disinterest in treasuring and honoring the gods. These two souls, man and woman, landed in two different bodies and would forever long for their other half, their soulmate, and be in pursuit of wholeness.

Plato writes, “There is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.”

For Kaci and Ryan, they bring each other their greatest joy.

In modern-day society, soulmates are sometimes seen as a missing piece to a puzzle—“the one” you’ve been looking for.

According to a Marist poll, 73 percent of Americans believe in soulmates. However, there is very little scientific evidence that soulmates exist.

In today’s society, people have come to believe that love is a feeling, or that it demands huge romantic gestures. But according to Kurt Smith, a counselor and writer for PsychCentral, love is a choice.

Diana Eskander, a love coach from Montreal, believes in soulmates. She defines them as individuals who can grow or create something together, such as a family, home, or project. According to Eskander, people can have two soulmates in their life, maybe more.

She says appreciation is at the core of strong relationships, such as one between

two soulmates. She refers to appreciation as “almost like a love language because it creates more love within a relationship.”

Behaviors of appreciation include putting another person’s needs before your own or doing something that can help a partner out. Specific ways to show appreciation are unique to each soulmate.

For Ryan and Kaci, the biggest way they show appreciation in their relationship is by giving each other their time.

In order to create a sense of normality while apart, the two will often have Skype pulled up while they’re at home. They sometimes even open Skype while they’re sleeping, so it’s like they’re lying with each other.

Though science might not back up the idea of soulmates, the concept is fairly accepted, as a majority of Americans believe in soulmates.

Eskander believes a way to know

if someone is your soulmate is if you recognize yourself in them, if they feel familiar even when you don’t know them yet.

Being with a soulmate feels like being home, Eskander believes, no matter where you are. It’s knowing you want to spend a significant amount of time with this person. A soulmate is someone you evolve or grow with.

For Kaci and Ryan, they both have the same vision for the future. For now, their plan is for Kaci to move to Canada to be with Ryan by September.

The photojournalism program she hopes to pursue there begins that month. From there, Kaci wants to eventually marry Ryan, have kids, and adopt plenty of dogs.

As for their initial Snapchat streak, it’s long gone. They lose it whenever they’re together because they’re more focused on each other than their phones.

15

//COLUMN

SOLO JOURNEY

T

The Hawaii night is pitch black as Cheri Ellefson makes the trek along a trail cutting into the jungle. The rest of Hawaii sleeps, and no lights are allowed on the island during the night. This is a pure place.

She’s in a group, but they don’t speak to one another during the hike to the temple. Polestar Gardens on the Big Island, a meditation retreat, is meant to be completely silent during meditation hours so participants can focus on their thoughts.

As the group hikes to the temple, where they will meditate until the sun comes up and the rest of Hawaii awakes, birds and frogs call to each other in the distance.

Propping herself against a wall, Cheri finds the most comfortable spot. She kneels, pressing her knees against the floor. Some other retreat members wear thick, noise-canceling headphones, but Cheri relishes in the natural noise of the rain forest. She thinks about everything causing her pain at the moment: her divorce, issues with her family, and coming out. These moments gave her

16 | ballbearingsmag.com

After a divorce, a Ball State professor decided to travel by herself for a year, seeking peace through meditation and self-care. story: taylor meyers | illustrations: emily sabens

clarity on who she wanted to become.

At the retreat, she focuses on her breathing. Without any meditation prompts, she lets thoughts race through her mind.

In 2013, right before Cheri wound up at the retreat in Hawaii, she went through a messy divorce with her former husband. According to a blog post she wrote in 2015, she had kissed another woman and started to question her sexuality. Suddenly, she didn’t want to be married to a man anymore. She didn’t quite know what she wanted.

She started her year of solo travel in Hawaii in January 2014, but it wasn’t a New Year’s resolution. She had just turned 30 and found herself questioning what she was doing with her life. She was also teaching online courses at the University of North Carolina and continued to do so while traveling.

Today, she lives in Muncie, where she teaches women’s and gender studies courses at Ball State University and co-owns Queer Chocolatier with her wife, Morgan.

Before leaving to see the world, she didn’t have a house or car. Her parents adopted her dog. All of her belongings went into storage, and she began hopping from one place to another.

“Once I got divorced, I wasn’t tied to anything or anybody,” Cheri says. “I really did want to get away.”

She went searching for a way to heal from the pain of the divorce, from the messy way she came out to her family, and from moments in her childhood she hadn’t confronted, like kissing the next door neighbor girl and feeling ashamed when her Pentecostal family found out.

A survey of 500 American female travelers from Booking.com in 2014 found that 72 percent of them were taking solo journeys.

Colin Johnson, an associate professor of gender studies at Indiana University, says more women started traveling alone after World War II. Many men had already experienced travel as soldiers, while women stayed home doing jobs men had to leave behind. At the end of the war, global tourism spiked, and Johnson says many women have been

enticed by opportunities for solo travel ever since.

Cheri traveled to 14 different places in the first 12 months.

After her month-long trip in Hawaii, she took a 17-hour flight to Bodhi Khaya, another meditation retreat in the countryside of South Africa. “I was sort of transitioning into a new identity, and, as cliche as it sounds, I did want to spend time on self-care,” Cheri says.

Bodhi Khaya is a small village surrounded by thick forests of rich, green trees and grass. There’s a garden of fresh vegetables and fruits to eat. The air is crisp and clean.

Inside, incenses burn in small bowls, sending up soft billows of smoke. Meditation cushions circle the room. The leader paces softly as the participants kneel.

Unlike the Hawaiian retreat, this one is completely structured, and the group is led into meditation with prompts and questions.

Why are you here?

What kind of transformation do you want to undergo?

What are you trying to deal with in your life?

Cheri thought she would answer these questions with moments that related to her divorce. Instead, she thought about her childhood. At that moment, far enough away from anyone who had known her as a child, her mind was still.

She let herself unpack the anger and hurt she’d built up.

Sometimes, she couldn’t make it through 15 minutes of meditation. She would get antsy and try to block the painful thoughts from coming forward.

Sometimes she would just sit and listen to the rain forest. But other times, she would let the tears stream down her cheeks.

For a long time, Cheri had felt like she couldn’t be herself. She wanted to love without shame. She wanted to face the Cheri Ellefson traveled to 14 different places in 12 months.

conflict between what she learned as a child and what she had been teaching in her women’s and gender studies classes.

Cheri traveled alone, but she wasn’t trying to alienate herself. Throughout her year of solo travel, she met a lot of people from different cultures.

She also blogged about her experiences and shared photos on her website, cheriellefson.com.

Her Instagram, @willteachfortravel, is a collage straight out of an adventurer’s photo book, with shots throughout the years taken in places like Alaska, Rome, and California.

Through her travels, Cheri feels like she got to know herself. During the summer of 2015, Cheri was back in Muncie and reconnected with Morgan, whom she had met during graduate school in 2010 at Ball State. The two got married in December 2015.

She has continued to travel since 2014, though it’s usually with people now and much more sporadically.

In 2016, Cheri went back to the place in Hawaii where she meditated during her first solo trip. But this time, she shared the space and what it meant to photo provided: cheri ellefson

her with her wife. Cheri loved her solo travel, but she says it’s refreshing to have someone with her.

When you’re alone, you can learn things you wouldn’t learn otherwise, meeting people who can expose you to a new culture. But when you’re with someone you love, you can share moments with them instead of showing them pictures later. Cheri loves both versions of travel equally.

7in10 About

female travelers have taken a trip by themselves

source: Booking.com

TYING THE KNOT

BEFORE 20 When Cole and Peyton Spivey began dating in high school, they didn’t think the relationship would last. For a while, it didn’t. But then they started over with a bond based on faith and got married at 19 years old. story: riley eubanks | photos: stephanie amador

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Peyton and Cole Spivey sit together on the kitchen floor in their home in Seymour, Indiana. They got married in their hometown’s church by Cole’s father at 19 years old. The two have gone through challenges in their marriage, but through their faith in God, they keep learning how to build a stronger relationship.

Peyton Spivey was 16 when she knew she wanted to marry Cole. While she says most high school girls envision themselves spending the rest of their lives with their boyfriends, Peyton was one of the less than two percent of people who end up marrying their high school sweethearts. Four years later, however, she had no idea they would have to navigate a breakup, find God, and move to Texas all before they even got engaged.

Peyton and Cole’s unconventional path to marriage consummated in a small church in Seymour, Indiana, where they both grew up. Cole’s father, Johnnie Spivey, who is also the pastor of their church, married them both when they were just 19 years old.

A marriage at 19 is an anomaly. Peyton is part of the 4 percent of women to be married by 19, according to a marriage calculator by FlowingData. Cole is even more of an outlier: Just 2 percent of men are married by the time they’re 19 years old.

The couple represents a fading tradition of getting married when young. In the past few decades, the average age of marriage has increased rapidly. In the 1970s, eight in 10 people were married by the time they were 30. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the general population today doesn’t reach that mark until they’re 45.

Nearly six in every 10 Millennials have never married, according to a 2018 report from Pew Research Center. This is a significant change from 1965, when the average person was hitched by 22 years old. One third of unmarried Millennials aren’t sure they ever want to get married.

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Peyton and Cole are some of the first They first hung out during a youth group members of Generation Z to get married. meeting at Cole’s church. Peyton, who grew up Time will tell if this generation will follow the Lutheran, was nervous not only to hang out same marriage trends of Millennials, who are with Cole for the first time but also because getting married less; Generation X, who tend she was going to a non-denominational to stay together; or the Baby Boomers, who church. have the highest divorce rate of any generation.

Peyton says Cole acted like “the stereotypical At the end of the day, however, marriage is pastor’s kid,” sitting in the back and acting like anything but quantitative. Cole and Peyton he was “too cool” for youth group. are taking the steps they feel are necessary to For Cole to go out with his future wife for strengthen their relationship with each other, the first time at a church was quite ironic due their community, and their faith to avoid to the fact that he says he hated church for the becoming one of the 46 percent of couples majority of his life. who get divorced from their high school Despite growing up in the church and sweethearts 10 years after getting married in attending service every Sunday, Cole says he their teens. resented organized religion and wanted to If they would’ve get away from the listened to the pressures of being a numbers, chances are seed of the pulpit, a they should’ve never problem he says a lot stayed together. But of pastor’s children YOU COULD TELL through growing experience.

IN THE WAY HE WAS in their faith and Though he admits maturing together, many children go TALKING HE WAS they found a way. against the grain as SO DIFFERENT...

Peyton was a they get older, Cole YOU COULD TELL junior, Cole a senior, has experienced that HE HAD A SHIFT IN at Seymour High rebelliousness tends HIS HEART. School when they to be multiplied for started dating. They preachers’ children, first started talking who often grow up after Cole saw in strict lifestyles, Peyton at a high following all of the school soccer game. rules of their parents, Rather than going the church, and the up to her in person, Bible. Of his four Cole got her number siblings, all of them from a friend and texted Peyton after the game. grew to resent the church at one point or You look really hot, texted Cole. We should another, he says. make out sometime.

Living in a small town where everybody “I thought he was super rude,” says Peyton, knows everybody, Peyton knew of Cole’s who responded to Cole by telling him to work bad reputation long before they met. Her on his approach with women and to never talk friends told her not to date him, but Peyton to her again. didn’t listen.

But Cole persisted, working on his flirting When they started dating, Cole was abusing skills and eventually scoring a date. drugs, particularly marijuana, which went

PEYTON SPIVEY

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against his father’s doctrine and Peyton’s wishes. Peyton says she constantly argued with Cole about his drug use.

Slowly, she broke through to him, and he started using less. That was until the summer before Cole went off to college at Ball State, when he began hanging out with his friends and doing drugs more than he was spending time with Peyton.

Their relationship on the rocks, Peyton says the only thing holding them together was the sex. They always had sex, something Peyton says they always felt guilty for. It was the offense that most directly went against Cole’s parents, whom they both admired and saw as role models.

What kept them together ended up being what broke them up after Cole’s parents found a condom in his pocket while doing laundry.

That prompted the worst night of Peyton’s

life, when Cole’s parents sat them down and confronted them about their sexual habits.

Peyton described the conversation as grueling, painful, and transformative. Both Cole and Peyton had a close relationship with his parents, but figuring out that the pair was having premarital sex was hard for them.

Cole’s dad was angry and didn’t say much, and neither did Cole, while Cole’s mom cried alongside Peyton.

Immediately after, Cole told Peyton it was time for a break. She was hesitant but ultimately agreed. Cole was set to go off to Ball State in a few weeks and, against Peyton and his family’s wishes, needed a fresh start.

Distancing himself further from faith and leaving his friends, family, and Peyton behind, Cole would delve deeper into drugs before undergoing the biggest transformation of his life.

SPIRITS ADRIFT Cole felt that God spoke to him in a crowded party near Riverside Avenue.

Cole, like everyone around him, was high.

He had a new set of friends at Ball State that used harder drugs than the common pot he was smoking back in Seymour.

During a wild party in the middle of his first semester, Cole began to smell all the “death” in the room. He says he was able to sense the spirits of everyone there, himself included, dying and being put to waste.

He thought about his future, which at that point had no clear destination. He thought about Peyton, whom he’d left behind in Seymour. He thought about his parents, who always supported him despite his rebellious tendencies and the growing distance between him and the church. Finally, he thought about

his own relationship with God and what he thought his purpose was.

Back in Seymour, Peyton was spending more and more time with Cole’s family, frequenting their house and growing closer with the family despite going months without speaking to Cole.

Cole’s parents could’ve easily cut off Peyton for both no longer being with their son as well as having premarital sex behind their backs, but they immediately came to Peyton with forgiveness after the breakup.

Peyton became particularly close with Cole’s mother, Carol. She began to see Carol as a role model and says she’s as close with Cole’s parents as she is with her own. She continued to attend church with them, and her faith grew to new heights.

Cole and Peyton began reconnecting around Thanksgiving. Cole explained how he was in

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the process of transforming into a better man and taking his relationship with God more seriously. They both agreed that Cole was not yet in a state where he could handle a romantic relationship, but they decided to see each other and communicate more often.

“You could tell in the way he was talking he was so different. His priorities were different,” says Peyton, who instantly saw a change in Cole. “You could tell he had a shift in his heart.”

In retrospect, Peyton is glad she and Cole weren’t dating while he was in his worst state. She isn’t sure she could’ve stayed with a man who was so detached from the values that were important to her as a Christian.

Shortly after that night at the party, Cole decided it was best to drop out and return to Seymour to escape what he describes as the dark season of life he was in at that time. Soon enough, he started dating Peyton again.

At the time, Cole still had no idea where his future was headed. He only knew that he wanted to work on himself and strengthen his relationship with God and Peyton.

CENTERED FAITH Peyton’s last semester of high school was different than most girls her age. She found herself slowly separating herself from her friend group. The obsession over prom and graduation and all the pageantry of leaving high school was unappealing to her. She was more focused on any opportunity she had to FaceTime with Cole, who was now more than 1,000 miles away in Dallas.

Shortly after returning to Seymour, Cole reconnected with some of his former youth leaders. They had moved to Texas to work in the youth ministry at Calvary Church Dallas. They made Cole an offer to come live with them in Dallas while he worked in the youth ministry there, rekindling his own faith.

The decision came with obvious risks: Cole would be hundreds of miles away from the most important spiritual figure in his life, his father. His faith was already in a fragile state, and any big decision could have had an irreversible effect on his relationship with God. In addition, Cole had just been reunited with the woman he loved. Though they had dated before, Cole and Peyton were essentially a new, stronger couple in their eyes. This time, faith was at the center of their relationship. Their love for each other was based on their love for God.

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photo provided: peyton spivey

In the end, Cole prayed about it. He was drawn to the idea of using his own testimony to inspire others, and he decided it was time to go. Objectively, Peyton thought it was crazy. Cole had just dropped out of college and returned home in the midst of the biggest transformation of his life. But they both agreed it was the best decision for Cole and that their relationship was strong enough to survive the distance test.

Peyton began applying to different colleges around the country. She dreamed of going to the University of Washington or Indiana University, but in her heart, she knew she really just wanted to be closer to Cole.

In a sort of long shot, Peyton applied to Dallas Baptist College. She knew without any financial assistance, she wouldn’t be able to go to school in a big city out of state, but her prayers were answered. She was accepted into Dallas Baptist and began receiving scholarships to attend the private college.

Cole returned to Seymour for Peyton’s high school graduation, a last hurrah at the place they met and a celebration of what was to come. They had survived the distance, which showed them they are stronger with faith.

TEXAS TANGO Peyton and Cole’s relationship was better than ever. Peyton was living in a college dorm just miles from her boyfriend, who lived with his fellow youth ministers. She helped with the youth ministry when she wasn’t in class.

They were hearing God clearer than ever before, and Cole wondered if it was time to take their relationship to the next level.

Cole didn’t know if it was the right time to propose—they had only been dating again for about a year. But he made his decision based on the advice of one of the youth ministers he was living with.

Well, dude, she moved to Texas for you. If that isn’t enough, I don’t know what is.

Cole thought about how Peyton had risked everything to come be with him in Dallas,

and he knew he needed to ask her to marry him.

Peyton and Cole were engaged in October of 2017. Just a year before, they were barely on speaking terms. After she said yes, Peyton and Cole began to wonder if Dallas was where they wanted to start the rest of their lives. They both had a great support system, a renewed purpose, and a great life in Dallas.

But in their hearts, they longed to be near their families in Seymour.

To come to this decision, Peyton and Cole fasted, a practice common in their church back in Seymour. During the fast, they cut off nearly all communication with each other and the outside world in order to pray and listen to God’s will. Ultimately, they both agreed God was leading them back home again to Indiana.

LED TO WED All the stressful decisions, time spent apart, and spiritual growth led to the greatest day of Peyton and Cole’s life: their wedding day.

They read their vows and agreed to marriage in the same church where they’d gone on their first date two and a half years before.

It was a quick engagement. They got married in April, six months after the proposal. Peyton never understood why people wait so long to marry. Of course, when your father-in-law-to-be is a pastor of the church you get married in, Peyton joked, it’s easier to get the date you want.

After the marriage, Peyton’s parents were in the process of trying to sell their old home.

They agreed to rent it out to the couple, who are now renovating it and working up enough credit to buy the house.

The house is much different from the one-bedroom apartment in Dallas they were expecting to live in when they first got engaged. Though they both say they’re blessed to be living in a house at such a young age, they knew they had to do a lot to make the home their own.

“It looked like the inside of a pumpkin,”

says Peyton, who dumped the maroon-yellow color scheme for a more contemporary gray.

“My mom says it was in 10 years ago, but I’m not sure it was ever in.”

Carol Hornbeck, a marriage and family therapist in Indianapolis and Minneapolis, who has worked with couples who got married before they were 20, says the maturity of a couple matters more than age. Plenty of 20-year-olds are ready to get married, she says, and other people are too immature to get married when they’re in their 30s.

Cole says his parents saw something in his relationship with Peyton that they didn’t see in each other back in high school. And even though he spent a lot of his life running from the church, the support from his father was always there.

Peyton now works full-time as a registered behavior technician at an autism center in Seymour. She also coaches gymnastics on the side. Cole works at home using mapping technology for electrical companies.

Cole and Peyton use the story of their relationship as a testimony for their youth group. They both say how, when they tried dating without having a strong relationship with God, their relationship failed.

They use this as an opportunity to tell their youth group to wait until marriage to have sex. They believe the sex is “better” and means more when you’ve committed to spending the rest of your life with someone. To them, sex is no longer a thing of guilt.

For now, they’re strengthening their marriage by taking classes at their church, and they’re establishing their lives in Seymour.

They both say they expect to have children within a few years, but that one advantage of getting married while young is that they have plenty of time to mature and figure everything out before they start preparing to extend their family.

Even though they both described themselves as being in a period of “rest,” they say God can lead them anywhere in the world, and they are always prepared to drop everything and go.

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As young people stray away from organized churches, college religious groups look for new strategies to promote their services. story: samantha nower | photo: austin white | illustration: annelise hanshaw

reia Sangster isn’t wearing a white shirt and a black tie. Clad in a Love PINK jacket, sweatpants, and boots, she holds only a deck of cards—not a Bible.

Getting up from her table in the busy L.A. Pittenger Student Center, she and a friend walk over to a girl who is sitting alone and looking at her phone.

Breia asks if she can sit down and have a conversation. It’ll only take five minutes.

The girl, Alia, agrees, and the conversation begins.

Alia’s a freshman telecommunications major, and it turns out she and Breia went to the same high school. They talk about who they might know, Alia pulling up a picture on her phone and Breia studying it.

Then Breia asks if they can have a different conversation, one that’s a different kind of getting to know you. She pulls out her deck of cards, using them as visual aids as she asks question after question.

“How do you evaluate the meaning and purpose of life?”

“What do you think Jesus really said and did?”

“How do you know these are the best ways to find your truth?”

Alia’s friend eventually joins her, and they both consider these questions. There’s nervous laughter at first, then silence, as they both think long and hard about their answers.

Breia isn’t uncomfortable. She waits for Alia’s responses and asks follow-up questions to everything she says. They begin to talk about spirituality, morals, human nature, and Alia’s point of view on all of it.

Alia thinks the human race is a broken one. She hopes in her life she will overcome all her struggles, and she hopes the same for her family. She wants to live for others, and she thinks the truth is relative.

All of that from a five-minute conversation.

Breia does this at least once a week. She’s scared every time, but she doesn’t let that stop her.

She always prays beforehand, asking God for one thing: courage. The courage to find the right person, and the courage to speak to them. So far, God hasn’t let her down. He helped her raise $3,000 in two weeks to go on a mission trip to Chicago.

He helped her walk up to a lawyer at her church and ask for an internship, which she then received. And every week, God helps her swallow her fear and ask a stranger to have an existential conversation at 1:30 in the afternoon.

Breia is a member of Impact, the primarily African-American division of a campus religious organization called Cru. She shares what they call Perspective Cards, an outreach tool used by Cru members, to start conversations with people about their beliefs concerning God and the world. She always has the cards with her. She never knows when she might need to use them.

Breia says outreach helps her connect to people, and seeing those connections formed is what motivates her to keep doing it.

There are 50 Perspective Cards, broken down into five categories: “Nature of God,” “Meaning and Purpose of Life,” “Human Nature,” “Jesus was,”

and “Sources of Spiritual Truth.” Each category has several options. “Players” choose the options that represent their perspectives, and then they explain their decisions. The conversation isn’t one-sided, though. After the cards are finished, Breia will use the same cards to share her own beliefs. At the end of the conversations, Cru members usually give the people they speak with a booklet called “Knowing God Personally,” or KGP, as Breia calls it.

Breia’s job involves navigating the complex system of religious marketing, a sensitive subject for many people. In a college setting, with so many organizations to choose from, campus religious groups and the people who market for them are trying to figure out new ways to promote their “brands” while still maintaining the authenticity of their faiths.

Brooke Mayer, a Cru intern at Ball State University, says she likes Cru’s outreach strategy of the cards because it involves allowing others to state what they believe before telling them what she believes. She, too, always has these cards handy. She keeps the Perspective cards in her purse, along with another set called Soularium cards.

The Soularium cards also help start conversations, Brooke says. These cards also come with a series of questions, which people answer using the images on the cards.

Brooke says she thinks the cards are effective because people want to feel listened to. They don’t want to just hear someone talk about why they’re Christian, and they don’t want someone to listen just enough that they can make their next point. They want to feel like a Christian is

25

actually listening to their side of the story.

This strategy is being used during a time when the teachings of Christianity are being heavily questioned. A 2014 Pew Research Center study reported religious “nones,” or those who choose not to identify with any religion, are rapidly growing. In the span of seven years, nones had seen an increase of more than 50 percent in the United States.

In a 2018 study, Pew Research found the biggest reason non-religious individuals say they choose not to identify with a religion is that they aren’t sure they believe religious teachings. The second reason is that they don’t agree with the political or social stances churches take.

Still, the majority of Americans seem to believe in God, according to a 2018 Gallup poll. While 87 percent still think God exists, 76 percent said religion does not have as much influence as it used to.

John Schmalzbauer, a Missouri State associate professor of religious studies, says young people have changing attitudes toward religion and might not like how structured or politicized it is. He says it’s important for religious organizations to be sensitive to how other students might react to marketing. Churches shouldn’t come across as too aggressive, deceptive, or manipulative with their marketing techniques.

Because of this, Schmalzbauer says churches can market much like secular businesses, but they need to be careful with how hard they are “selling” themselves.

Some people might feel as if churches are trying to force beliefs on them.

Schmalzbauer believes campus religious groups can use the strategy of tailoring their messages to specific niches. Cru has done this with several subcategories of the organization that cater to specific audiences—Impact, the division Breia is a part of, Greek Cru, directed at sorority and fraternity members, and Athletes in Action, Cru for student-athletes.

While Schmalzbauer thinks churches just need to be cautious in their marketing efforts, some people believe churches shouldn’t be allowed to market at all.

The 1994 paper “Can (Should) Religion be Marketed?” by Bruce Wrenn listed reasons why some religious leaders thought church marketing was unethical.

Some believed marketing was too expensive, manipulative, or intrusive.

Others worried marketing efforts could contradict church beliefs, especially if

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churches shape their messages to fit the lifestyles of potential members instead of the other way around.

The 2014 paper “Operationalizing Marketing in the Church” published in the Nigeria Journal of Business Administration acknowledges these issues but also argues the church is still in the service industry.

Things like weddings, baptisms, and funerals could all be considered services in the marketing world.

Marketing for nonprofits can be difficult because they don’t have specific “customers” or tangible products. To help with this, the paper offers a comprehensive marketing plan churches can stick to.

The basics of the plan involve using marketing to help the church make potential members realize a need, whether

YOU HAVE TO BE MORE CAUTIOUS...

YOU'RE HELD TO A DIFFERENT STANDARD.

COURTNEY BISHOP that be spiritual or physical, then show how the church can meet this need.

Effective marketing should also help churches raise money to accomplish their missions and boost membership.

Courtney Bishop, director of marketing for The Revolution, a campus Christian organization at Ball State, has experienced the challenges of balancing marketing with the sensitive nature of religion.

“In some ways, you have to be more cautious,” she says. “I think a little bit you’re held to a different standard.”

Bishop knows religion is a tough subject for many people. She says she is aware of the line she walks in her job between having to market a “brand” but still maintaining the authenticity of religion.

“I think we have to be careful in the way we communicate so that it’s not pushy or manipulative.”

Bishop understands her audience of college students, and she’s found the biggest thing they respond to is free items.

Things like handing out free coffee on cold

mornings or snow cones during the hot days of August fulfill an easy, immediate need of college students. That’s not all there is to it, though. Bishop says it’s important to use those immediate needs to open the doors to fill bigger ones. While waiting for their snow cones to be made, students can talk to someone about church and what it can do for them.

Bishop has seen outreach work for people. She thinks one of the best examples is Chris.

FREE SALVATION Chris Portillo joined The Revolution because of a free T-shirt. Wandering around campus during his first week as a Ball State freshman, Chris saw a group of people handing out snow cones to students. He asked them if they were a church. He’d been hoping to join one when he got to college. Pastor Carl Frost said they were.

And if you come to my service Sunday, I’ll give you a free T-shirt.

Right on, I love free T-shirts, Chris said.

That Sunday, Chris went to church. He got his T-shirt. He even won a Starbucks gift card.

“I was like, man, I definitely gotta stay here now,” he jokes.

Chris joined The Revolution because of a free T-shirt, but he stayed because he trusted God. That summer, before freshman year, God had spoken to Chris during a sermon for Young Life Camp, a Christian organization for high schoolers. He asked Chris to come back to Him. The sermon was about running, something Chris knew he’d been doing a lot of lately.

When Chris started high school, he joined Young Life to try and stay connected with God, but he soon found friends outside of the group. These new friends would smoke and drink and party, inviting Chris to come along, which is when the running began.

But that changed that summer. Chris was going to college soon, and he wouldn’t have those friends anymore. All he had was himself and his girlfriend, with whom he said he was in an unhealthy relationship. And he had that call from God to follow.

He kept going to The Revolution, and he grew close with the people there. He broke up with his girlfriend a

The Revolution meets Sundays, but church members are often found handing out free cups of coffee as outreach.

month after starting college, when The Revolution helped him realize what a good relationship should look like. It was hard, but he knew it was what he had to do. Christopher Glotzbach, a campus staff member, helped him adjust to his new life.

“It was just amazing to see the way he connected with people,” Chris says about Glotzbach. “He could talk to anybody and was fearless. And so, I wanted to be that, as well.”

LIFESAVERS Glotzbach helps run coffee at The Revolution, an outreach event every Tuesday morning. Normally, they hand out cups at the Scramble Light, but on this cold, foggy Tuesday, they are in the Letterman Building lobby.

“Free mediocre coffee and lukewarm hot chocolate!” Glotzbach calls to passing students. “But it’s free!”

It’s been a rough start to the day. They were supposed to start setting up the coffee station at 8 a.m. They started at 8:08. Bishop, the director of marketing, accidentally spilled coffee grounds into the big coffee urn, which meant Glotzbach had to dump it all out and refill it. He then forgot to push start, delaying the brewing process even further.

So now the coffee is, as Glotzbach calls it, “free water with a hint of coffee.”

But he’s not discouraged. In fact, he’s cheerful about the entire situation. Sitting with Bishop and another staff member, he greets tired student after tired student,

watching their faces light up as they smell the grounds brewing. He encourages them to come back later, saying they’ve had a difficult morning, but coffee will be ready soon enough.

Soon, students will be able to grab the tall white cups stacked up neatly in stands, grab a coffee jacket with The Revolution’s logo, social media, and meeting times, and pour themselves a steaming cup of coffee.

One student approaches the table, smiles, and grabs a cup.

“You guys are lifesavers.”

MORE OF YOU Chris needed a lifesaver. Sitting in the parking lot of the McDonald’s on McGalliard Road, he broke down crying and yelled at God. God, I can’t do this on my own anymore.

It was Chris’ sophomore year at Ball State, and even though things had been going well with The Revolution, he was battling serious depression. He felt like everything was falling apart around him, and he was considering suicide. He cried and yelled, asking God for answers, calling out for help.

A song came on the radio, and Chris felt like his life was saved.

“More of You” by Colton Dixon floated through Chris’ car speakers. He felt like God was speaking directly to him.

More of You. Less of me. Those lyrics stuck with Chris. He says God was asking Chris to trust Him, to let Him take control.

After that, Chris placed all of his trust in

God. He didn’t worry about the future, he just trusted that God would take care of it.

And according to Chris, God did.

Now far from the lost person he once was, Chris tries to change people’s lives the way his was changed.

In 2017, he graduated from Ball State, becoming the first person in his family to do so. He and his wife both got jobs in Indianapolis––she was a maternity nurse, and he worked for a supply chain doing logistics. But Chris says there was always just something about The Revolution that called him back. So he and his wife decided to move to Muncie in 2018 and join the staff as campus missionaries.

It was hard, especially since The Revolution staff members must raise money to fund their own salaries. Chris remembers having to break this news to his parents, who didn’t react well at first.

He was going to quit his steady job and have to live off the charity of others, but he wasn’t too worried.

More of You. Less of me.

Now Chris says after all these years, he is finally learning to accept himself. He isn’t mad at God anymore, and he tries to help others who feel disillusioned by the church.

He understands why people would feel unaccepted in religious communities. He knows what it can be like to feel like the church is full of hypocrites. But he thinks the goal of church is to recognize that everyone has flaws, and then try and get better as a community.

Chris says he knows the Bible makes it clear that Christianity accepts all people.

He knows he can’t prove this to everyone. He just hopes he can share his message, and he trusts God with the rest.

CONNECTION Breia packs up her cards and sits back down at her table. She had given Alia her phone number, in case she ever wanted to come to Bible study, and she hopes Alia will text her.

Breia, too, knows she can’t tell everyone the gospel. She just wants to have real conversations that get through to people.

She, like Chris and Brooke and Bishop, just wants to connect to someone. She checks her phone to see if Alia texted.

Alia did.

27

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WaTasha Barnes Griffin, CEO of YWCA Central Indiana, speaks with residents and employees of the women's shelter on Jan. 26. For 19 years, WaTasha has served her community and found ways to empower individuals by helping women and children in need.

THE DAY SHE

STOPPED LISTENING Like half of all Americans, WaTasha Barnes Griffin survived an abusive relationship. Now, she uses that experience to help others escape crisis. * Editor’s note: At the request of WaTasha Barnes Griffin, Ball Bearings agreed to change the name of her previous boyfriend for this story. Separately, the reporting for this piece was completed before WaTasha announced her candidacy for Muncie City Council. story: katie grieze | photos: grace hollars

he woman waited. With a duffel bag to her side and a rainbowcolored pillow in her lap, she waited in a lounge of the shelter she’d stayed at the night before. She was waiting to meet with someone from the other shelter, the one across the street, the one they told her was best for helping people who faced domestic abuse—people like her. She waited there because she was tired of waiting for things to change, for the chance to feel safe in her home, for it to be the last time he did it.

She was afraid he would find her, but she had waited long enough.

After leaving her partner the night before, she had gone to the police, who took her to YWCA Central Indiana. The Muncie-based shelter provides safe housing for women and children, including many who are fleeing domestic violence. But because the neighboring nonprofit, A Better Way, focuses on helping abuse survivors, the woman chose to seek long-term housing there.

Walking out of her office, WaTasha Barnes Griffin noticed the waiting woman.

Hi, I’m WaTasha, she said, walking up to her. I’m the CEO here at the YWCA. How are you doing?

I’m waiting to meet with someone from A Better Way, the woman replied.

Oh, I actually used to work there, WaTasha said. She told her more about the organization and its services, that it was a great place with great people. But she could see it wasn’t enough to calm the woman’s fear.

You know, WaTasha said, taking another route, I am a survivor of domestic violence, too.

THINGS WERE GREAT. AND THEN LITTLE

BY LITTLE, THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE. The woman’s eyes widened. Really?

Yeah, WaTasha answered. That’s how I know it will get better.

More than a third of women and a quarter of men in the United States have been raped, physically abused, or stalked by intimate partners at some point in their lives, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Even more Americans— nearly half—have experienced psychological aggression. On average, survivors try to leave these relationships seven times before staying away for good.

Jonel Thaller, an assistant professor of social work at Ball State University, says leaving an abusive partner can be confusing and time-consuming. Having a desire to leave doesn’t make it easy, and even coming to that decision can be a complicated process. According to The Hotline, some survivors who never learned what a healthy relationship should look like might believe abuse is normal. They might start blaming themselves or feel too ashamed to seek help. Others just feel too dependent on their relationships, mentally or financially, to consider walking away.

Plus, even while enduring abuse, a lot of survivors still care deeply about their partners. They love them. And when you love, you forgive, you hope, and you wait.

WaTasha first fell for Brandon* when she was a sophomore and he was a junior at Muncie Central High School.

He had that magnetic sort of charm: a charismatic football player in Timberland boots and Drakkar cologne.

30 | ballbearingsmag.com

He made WaTasha laugh. They both liked Aerosmith and LL Cool J. They bonded over root beer floats and the autobiography of Malcolm X. But it was his brown eyes that really got her: She thought they were beautiful.

“Things were great,” she says. “And then little by little, things started to change.”

About a month into their relationship, Brandon brought up WaTasha’s friend Travis, asking why she had been talking to him after school one day.

Travis? she said. We grew up together.

He’s my best friend.

Why do you have a guy as your best friend?

Brandon asked.

I don’t know, WaTasha said, surprised at the question. He just is mine.

For months, those concerns about Travis kept coming, dominating their conversations. Brandon always wanted to know where WaTasha was. If he called and she didn’t answer, he’d ask about it later. He always wanted to be with her, and she started to feel like she couldn’t spend time with anyone else.

Abuse is about control, Thaller says, which can stem from a fear of abandonment.

“They are looking for their partner to fill their every need,” she explained, “and they’ve gotten to a point where they’re demanding it.”

If a relationship limits a person’s power or freedom in any way, that should be a red flag. While Thaller says jealousy is normal, when one partner tries to restrict the other’s choices and who they spend time with, that’s probably abuse.

WaTasha saw the red flags, she says, but she ignored them.

One afternoon, Brandon was parked in his white Nissan, waiting to take WaTasha home from school. She doesn’t remember what took her so long to gather her things—she was probably talking with friends, she says—but when she came outside, Brandon was convinced she had been making plans with Travis.

As they drove away, Brandon didn’t let it go.

Why do you hang out with him? he asked, his voice growing strained. Do you not want to be with me anymore?

WaTasha pleaded with Brandon. She needed him to understand that Travis was just a friend. He shouted back, not accepting the answer.

Then, he slapped her in the face.

Don’t you yell at me! he screamed. Sitting stiff in the passenger seat, WaTasha didn’t know what to think. But she was scared, and she needed to get out. They were only a few blocks from her house, so she demanded he take her home. Brandon immediately apologized, saying he was sorry, that he loved her and just wanted to be with her. She stared out the window.

When she got out at the curb by her house, Brandon said he would call her later.

Don’t, WaTasha said. I’m done. She turned and walked inside.

After putting away her bags, she came out and looked at her mom. She didn’t cry—she just told her.

Brandon hit me.

What?

He hit me.

She explained what happened.

WaTasha, that’s…abuse, her mom said.

WaTasha’s parents called Brandon’s, and both families agreed the relationship would be over. For a few days, it was. But Brandon never stopped trying to talk with WaTasha, and one day during lunch, she gave in.

Brandon apologized again, saying he had been having a bad day.

He blamed the stress of sports and grades, said he loved her, and asked her to come back.

Okay, she said. Just promise me you won’t do it again.

WaTasha doesn’t remember exactly when the next hit happened, but it wasn’t a slap. Sometimes he would shove her.

Other times he’d grab her arm, or clench her face in his hand. Every time, she would find a way to justify it.

Brandon was always there. And if he wasn’t, he would call her. If she didn’t answer, he’d confront her about it later.

Even when things were good, WaTasha always wondered when the next argument would happen.

Thaller says people might only think of abuse in terms of physical violence, but the verbal and emotional attacks can be even more damaging. When someone you love controls your actions and belittles your choices, it can make you feel helpless.

Every time Brandon abused WaTasha, she decided she was done. But every time, he would come to her, crying, asking her to just listen. He’d say he was sorry, blame it on the stress, buy her cards, write her letters, or ask her to the movies. He once even apologized to her parents, who had filed police reports

and protective orders against him. And every time, WaTasha listened. She would remember how funny he was, and how much she loved telling him about the last book she read. She’d look into those brown eyes and fall in love again.

“I would just go back to the beginning,” she says.

According to a Counseling Resource article by psychologist Joseph M. Carver, when a person grows used to being abused, even small acts of apparent kindness can create positive feelings that strengthen the bond.

Survivors might start seeing things through the abuser’s perspective, predicting how their partner could respond in certain situations and making choices accordingly. But they can’t predict everything.

During one of the times WaTasha and Brandon were broken up, she was coming home late and parked across the street from her house. It was dark, so she didn’t see Brandon at first. But walking up the driveway, she stopped short: He was there, sitting alone on the bottom porch step. Three more steps separated him and her front door.

Where you been, Wo? That’s what he called her.

What the hell are you doing here? she asked, terrified.

TAKING STEPS TO LEAVE

Once someone decides to get out of an abusive relationship, actually leaving requires having a safety plan. The process looks different for everyone, but there are a few general steps to keep in mind: Try to anticipate all the ways the abusive partner could sabotage your attempts to leave, and plan accordingly. For example, abusive partners sometimes take away essential items such as shoes, warm clothes, or car keys. People trying to leave should either make sure their essentials are secure or have back-ups available.

If the abuser is someone you live with, start looking for another place to stay.

Make sure all your valuables and important documents are in a secure location where the abusive partner can’t access them.

Consider filing a protective order against the partner. However, these documents are just pieces of paper—not guaranteed safety.

Build up external support networks, possibly creating code words or other signs with friends and family. For example, asking a friend to go to dinner could be an agreed-on signal to call 911.

Be careful not to trap yourself in physical spaces. Always make sure you can get out.

Use online and local resources to find support and build a plan. Jonel Thaller recommends myPlan, an app she helped develop, as a guide for college-aged abuse survivors. Other digital options include The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) and loveisrespect.org. In Muncie, survivors can find emergency shelter at A Better Way or YWCA Central Indiana. Ball State students can also contact the Office of Victim Services (ovs@bsu.edu). source: Jonel Thaller WaTasha Barnes Griffin is a survivor of domestic violence from her ex-boyfriend.

She now serves as CEO of YWCA Central Indiana, where she helps other survivors get back on their feet.

31

I just want to talk to you!

You have got to go, she said.

Brandon stood and grabbed her shoulders hard, shaking her. Just listen to me! he pleaded. Why are you acting like I’m going to hurt you?

WaTasha tried to get past him, to get to those three steps. She threatened to scream but never did. Eventually, he just let go and left, down the drive and around the corner.

Heart racing, WaTasha climbed the steps and went inside. This time, she didn’t tell her parents—she just went straight to her first-floor bedroom and locked all the windows, hands shaking on the latches.

SOMETIMES, IT JUST FELT EASIER TO GO BACK.

WaTasha knew the relationship wasn’t healthy. She’d been raised to know that, taught to stand up for herself, told to be strong. But sometimes, it just felt easier to go back. If she was with him, she didn’t have to deal with his questions or worry that he’d find her. It was when she left that she had to watch her back.

An end to the relationship doesn’t mean an end to the danger, Thaller says. Abusive partners might continue to stalk or harass the person for a long, long time. Sometimes, the abuse could even get worse. Survivors have seen what their abusers are capable of, so when they’re scared of what could happen if they leave, many will find it easier to focus on the good times and believe things will get better on their own.

Thaller says it’s important to trust a survivor’s judgement of when it’s not safe to leave. Even if the person hasn’t taken clear actions to end the relationship, that doesn’t mean they aren’t preparing.

For example, they might be working to imagine life without their partner, planning solutions to the obstacles they know might get in their way. They

32 | ballbearingsmag.com

might be working beneath the surface to disconnect, to break that emotional bond.

WaTasha broke up with Brandon more than 10 times in their two-year relationship—more than 10 times that he’d follow her to the mall, show up at her house, or take the spark plugs out of her car while she was at work. They broke up so many times, WaTasha can’t remember why they’d split up the July before her senior year, while her parents were away, and she was home alone on a Friday afternoon.

Earlier that day, she’d warned her brother not to answer the phone or open the door.

Brandon is driving me nuts, she explained to him. You know how crazy he is. But her brother left to play basketball and didn’t lock the door behind him.

WaTasha was sitting in the living room when she heard the door open, and she thought her brother had come back.

Instead, it was Brandon who walked around the corner.

WaTasha jumped. How the hell did you get in my house? she yelled.

Brandon chuckled. The door was open.

She yelled at him to get out, threatening to call the police and running toward the phone. But Brandon blocked her, darting back to the kitchen and pulling the cord from the wall.

You are going to listen to me, he said, clutching the receiver in his hand, one way or the other.

WaTasha turned, going for the phone in the living room, but Brandon was too fast.

Then he stood in the hallway, using his football build to block WaTasha from the last two phones.

They screamed at each other for nearly an hour. You are gonna be with me! Brandon yelled. Listen to me! You are always going to be with me. You’re mine.

WaTasha cried, telling him to leave her alone. And when she looked into his eyes—those brown, beautiful eyes—she saw something was different this time.

She knew she had to get out.

“He didn’t push,” she says. “He didn’t shove. But he was saying all kinds of things, and I was scared.”

Eventually, Brandon needed to go to the bathroom, and he made WaTasha come with him so she wouldn’t run. But as soon as he unbuckled his jeans, she sprinted down the hall, out the front door, down those three steps, and to a video store across the street. She ran behind the counter.

Look, she told the workers, my ex-boyfriend is in my house, and he is acting crazy.

Before they could do anything, Brandon walked in.

Make him get out, she pleaded. Make him leave, or I’m gonna call the police.

Brandon tried to say WaTasha was lying, that he’d just come to her house to get his jacket. But when the workers told him to leave, he did.

The police came, made a report, and escorted WaTasha back to the house.

After making sure Brandon wasn’t there, they promised to stay nearby while she waited for her aunt to pick her up. This time, all the doors were locked, but it didn’t take long for Brandon to come back and start knocking on the windows.

WaTasha just ignored him and waited.

Her aunt came around 4:30 p.m., and they packed to leave. Brandon was still there, standing by the steps, and he followed the car to the bottom of the driveway.

That’s fine, you go with your aunt, he said, laughing. We’ll get back together.

No, we won’t, WaTasha said through the passenger window.

We will. We always do.

They drove away, and WaTasha said she was done with Brandon. You always say that, her aunt replied.

But this time, it was true. This time, she would prove them both wrong.

Brandon never stopped talking to WaTasha, but after that day, she stopped listening. She spent time with friends and stayed away from places he could find her. She started seeing another guy, for a while—it wasn’t serious, but it helped her move on.

Now, for more than 25 years, Brandon has always been there—confronting her at the grocery store, contacting her on social media, calling to say he would come to the church and stop her wedding. (He didn’t, and she’s been married 17 years.)

Today, as WaTasha helps others find their way out of crisis, it’s as more than a service provider. She hears their stories and connects, survivor to survivor, with their trauma and their fear. She knows how subtle abuse can be. She knows how hard it is to leave.

For the woman who’d been waiting in the lounge, hearing WaTasha’s story wasn’t a quick fix for the fear. She was still scared of her abuser, still not sure she would be safe.

But despite the weight of that fear, and of not knowing what would come next, WaTasha watched the woman leave with the strength of knowing she wasn’t alone.

BALL BEARINGS is Ball State University’s nationally award-winning, student-run magazine. We’re a team of writers, designers, photographers, videographers and social media specialists who work to create one print magazine per semester, along with multiple stories on our website, ballbearingsmag.com. We welcome everyone to the Ball Bearings staff, no matter what year you are in school or what your major is. Come see us in the UML in the Arts and Journalism Building, and find out how you can join our team!

INSTAGRAM: @ballbearingsmag TWITTER: @ballbearingsmag ballbearingsmag.com Read our exclusive web content at ballbearingsmag.com “Guiding Through Grief”

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By Taylor Smith

“In Love With the Eiffel Tower”

By Eli Brunsman

//COLUMN

SAME VALUES, DIFFERENT GODS

An interfaith relationship isn’t for everyone, but some couples use their differences as a way to grow. story: morgon gonsoski | photo: stephanie amador

Ryan and Steph have been together for more than four years. They got married in 2017, but their wedding was anything but traditional. Ryan identifies as Christian, and Steph identifies as a mix of Roma and Wiccan. But they both believe their love to be about more than religious faith.

Ryan and Steph Remington were never ones for conventionality.

The pair tied the knot March 26, 2017, but the act of marriage was about the only traditional aspect of the day.

The two were wed at Aw Yeah Comics in downtown Muncie by close friend Grant Butler, a man who sports a ponytail that goes “damn near down to his ass” and is covered in tattoos. They were announced through a speech laden with references to iconic romances such as Han Solo and Leia Organa of the Star Wars franchise, or Scott Summers and Jean Grey of Marvel Comics’ X-Men Universe.

The two were adamant there would be no mention of God in the ceremony, no religious traditions, though not for lack of faith.

Ryan is a lead teacher at The Table at Cana, a local bar ministry, and he preaches part-time. He religiously identifies as Christian. Steph is a local artist, depicting spiritual ideas in her work, and she practices crystal healing methods. She religiously identifies as a mixture of Wiccan and Roma. The couple has been together for about fourand-a-half years, and married for two.

Of couples married since 2010, nearly 40 percent were of different faiths, according to a 2015 study from Pew Research Center. Before the 1960s, only about 20 percent of married couples were interfaith.

From the perspective of Charlie Wiles, the executive director of the Center for Interfaith Cooperation, becoming interfaith is a way to open your eyes to the many ways religion plays into everyday life and how we work together in society.

In this definition, interfaith means more than a romantic relationship between people of different religious backgrounds. It becomes a way to live.

For some, becoming interfaith is a choice to not define their spirituality by one religion’s guidelines but by the deeper morals and ethics rooted in all religions. For others, it’s a lifestyle they fall into, an inevitability if they want to be with the one they love.

When Steph and Ryan met, he was atheist while she upheld her Roma/ Wiccan belief system. Over time, it was actually Steph’s down-to-earth kindness that led Ryan to his current faith.

“I began to see what Christ was getting at in the way Steph carries herself,” Ryan says. “The way she lives her life and the way she interacts with people—the grace, the passion, the mercy she just shows across the board—that has really bolstered my faith.”

When he realized the good in Steph, he realized the potential for good in others and was drawn to those who followed Christianity. He found his place at The Table at Cana, where he leads a group meeting at Muncie’s Guardian Brewing Company. There, they push values of inclusion, creativity, and conversation.

In Steph’s case, when she and Ryan met, she had negative views of Christianity based off her childhood experiences. She originally grew up in the French Roma faith, but her father introduced Evangelical Christianity in their household when she was an older child.

“I had a really hard time understanding Christianity,” Steph says. “I had the very stereotypical viewpoint of ‘God is a guy with a long white beard, staring down from the clouds, and hell is fiery place below us.’ It just seemed very odd. Going to church used to scare me.”

But in meeting Ryan, she was able to recognize the greater good behind the faith.

“Seeing how Ryan’s grown, and the people that we know here in Muncie, they’ve shown me more of what Christianity actually is,” Steph says.

“Ryan has definitely opened my eyes to the good of it.”

The couple recognizes their relationship was built on more than just their distinctive faiths.

“I love the person she is, not the thing she believes,” Ryan says. “I think that’s what’s most important.”

So long as deeper values are shared, interfaith unions are certainly feasible.

Even if two people follow different faith traditions, they might agree on matters like finances, life goals, career values, leisure interests, or political stances, and those things might bring them together even more than a shared religion would.

For Ryan, his relationship with Steph has given him confidence to hold onto his beliefs with a “less certain grip.”

35

//COLUMN Ryan and Steph Remington got married at Aw Yeah Comics in downtown Muncie.

They featured their favorite characters as cardboard cutouts. photo provided: ryan and steph remington

He has become okay with the uncertainty of his religion, instead holding onto his love for his wife and the good he sees reflected in her.

“I don’t look at it as ‘Well, she’s going to hell because she didn’t say a prayer,’” Ryan says. “I look more at the way she lives her life, and I’m constantly inspired by that to be better.”

I LOVE THE PERSON SHE IS, NOT THE THING SHE BELIEVES. I THINK THAT’S WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT.

36 | ballbearingsmag.com

Similarity of spouses’ values and personalities has been linked to a higher level of marital satisfaction, according to a 2010 graduate dissertation by Patricia A. Fishman of Northern Illinois University. The study also found that interfaith couples might be better at negotiating and decision-making, not in spite but in light of their religious differences.

At the Center for Interfaith Cooperation, groups meet to practice a more general spirituality while discussing the different aspects of the world’s religions. Wiles aims to create environments where people can discuss those differences and learn more about one another.

“Having humility is needed for authentic interfaith relationships to blossom,” Wiles says. “If you don’t have strong self-esteem, and you fear losing your own faith tradition by appreciating how other people experience the divine, then I would recommend pursuing other interests.”

Fisherman’s study also found that in interfaith marriages, differences in religious beliefs can sometimes cause higher amounts of strain in the relationship.

Interfaith relationships might also weaken religious communities, as one person might be pulled away from their own religious traditions and practices by their spouse, according to Naomi Schaefer Riley, author of 'Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage is Transforming America.

But some religious leaders are beginning to not only accept, but even encourage interfaith relationships.

In a 2011 article for InterfaithFamily, the Rev. Walter H. Cuenin considers the possibility that interfaith marriages open the door to a greater understanding of modern faith.

He believes there is no religion that holds the one true path to God, and when people of different traditions marry, they might embody a way toward greater religious unity.

“Learning about diverse religious traditions allows people to better understand their own faith journey,” Wiles says.

This is exactly how Ryan was able to develop a strong foundation in the Christian faith. After falling in love with Steph, he was no longer searching for certainty, but for a way to better understand the world and his place in it.

WE'LL GET YOU HIRED. Taylor Hohn Editorial Intern at San Francisco Magazine

Emily Sabens Intern at Eiteljorg Museum

Ball Bearings staff members secure paid and unpaid internships every year. Student media makes their rĂŠsumĂŠs stand out in a competitive job market.

To get involved, go to the Unified Media Lab in the Arts and Journalism building or email rjeubanks@bsu.edu.

Samantha Kupiainen Intern at Indiana Hospital Association

Emily Cox Pulliam Intern at The Martinsville Reporter-Times

Taylor Meyers Editorial Intern at Indianpolis Monthly

Katie Grieze Editorial Intern at Indianpolis Monthly

Stephanie Amador Intern at The Courier-Times

//COLUMN

ROMANCE

ON SCREEN Ogunde Tremayne had trouble accepting himself and his sexuality. But then he found RuPaul’s Drag Race. story: griffin sciarra

38 | ballbearingsmag.com

M

iddle school was a tough time for Ball State University sophomore Ogunde Tremayne. He had so many questions: How do you ask a guy out? How do you go on a date? What does being gay really mean?

He never saw LGBTQ relationships on TV, so he thought it must be wrong.

Or, maybe it wasn’t. He was through lying to himself and suppressing who he was, so he researched online. Then he found RuPaul’s Drag Race, a reality competition with weekly challenges to find a drag superstar.

Ogunde would sneak into his mom’s room and watch the show. But he had to be careful: There was a feature on the TVs in his house that could display what the other TVs were playing.

He’d watch the show whenever he could and record it when he couldn’t.

He was always scared his grandmother or uncle would find the recording of the show.

For the first time, he saw gay people like him on TV. There were gay men being artistic, and it was educational.

They would talk about safe sex and navigating the world as a member of the LGBTQ community. Through the show, Ogunde finally felt connected to his community.

According to the academic article “GLBTQ Cinema,” until the 1970s, queer characters were portrayed without explicitly showing their sexualities.

For example, gay men were shown as effeminate, while lesbians were represented as butchy. Because viewers might not have known someone who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, the cinematic representations could fuel further stereotypes, homophobia, or prejudice.

Ogunde says all he usually sees on TV is typical male and female gender roles.

Even in the gay community, he says, there is the idea of “who’s the man and who’s the woman” of the relationship.

He says the labeling is relentless,

and there is a stigma against acting “unmanly.” Ogunde says this puts emphasis on conforming when you should be true to yourself.

According to an article written by Omotayo Banjo in the Penn State McNair Journal, people constantly compare how they are treated to their perceptions of how they deserve to be treated. And the perceptions of what we deserve largely come from gender socialization, parents, and the media.

Sara Collas, an assistant teaching professor of sociology at Ball State who specializes in gender studies, says media often distort the perception of what people should want. Couples might be depicted as blissful on TV, while many real-life relationships end up failing.

She says the dominant media present couplehood as the primary goal, and people living content single lives are rarely portrayed.

Collas believes the idea that you are only complete if you’re in a relationship does a real disservice to people, saying it’s “brainwash” to think you can’t be happy alone. She believes self-love is the most important thing.

Ogunde knew a lot of his happiness relied on self-acceptance. He remembers telling himself at the end of every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, 'If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'

Around the same time, Ogunde discovered coming out videos on YouTube. Watching people come out to their parents, family members and friends and be accepted meant so much to him.

It was bittersweet, though, to watch others do what he’d only dreamt about.

Seeing someone have the courage to do that, and then post it online to help give the courage to others, was empowering for Ogunde.

It really made him want to come out, and in seventh grade, he did.

In a study published in Behaviour and Information Technology, researchers

identified reasons for LGBTQ members to reveal their sexual orientations.

These included improving relationships, improving mental health, and helping change society’s attitude. But the coming out videos fall into a fourth category—to support others going through the same thing.

Channels like YouTube and Logo TV, which became known for having gay characters and themes, helped Ogunde come to accept who he is.

Overall Diversity of Regular Characters on Primetime Broadcasting, 2018-19

9%

91% Straight

LGBTQ

source: WWAOTV 2018-19 Report

Number of LGBTQ Characters on Primetime Broadcast Networks from 2015 to 2018 source: WWAOTV

35

43

58

75

2015

2016

2017

2018

39

//COLUMN

THE EVOLVING

ROMANTIC Romance and tradition go way back in a relationship all their own. But as technology and gender norms shift, even some of the strongest standards are gearing up for change.

story: kamryn tomlinson | illustration: brandi geister

RINGS In the 1920s, “mangagement” rings hit the market and were an enormous fail. In fact, it wasn’t until the mid-1900s that most married men even wore wedding bands. But as American culture begins to turn away from traditional gender norms, some jewelers have tried again.

DATING

The engagement rings for men tend to be simpler than women’s rings, but a bit more decorated than a plain wedding band. While the trend hasn’t quite taken hold among straight couples, the LGBTQ community is driving a rise in sales as gay men buy rings for their fiances.

Online dating has become more popular and accepted over the years. source: Pew Research Center

of all U.S. adults say they have used online dating sites or apps

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of Americans who are in marriages or committed relationships say they met their significant others online

of 18 to 24-year-olds use online dating sites or apps

of online daters say they have gone on a date with someone they met through a dating site or app

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on the Easter Bunny

this year

Free candy bar with your BSU ID! Mon. - Fri. 9 a.m. - 6:30 p.m. • Sat. 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

6255 W. Kilgore Ave. • (765) 288-7300 • lowerycandies.com